All language subtitles for Inside.Amy.Schumer.S02E02.HDTV.x264-DUKES-eng

Mom, my friends are here
and they're hungry.

What else is new?

Sure they're not
little kids anymore,

but they still want
a snack that's fun.

That's why they're not getting
regular old chicken fingers.

They're getting Finger Blasters!

Introducing Finger Blasters!

Blast your fingers into our unique
sauce containers, filled with honey,

tangy barbecue,
or salt and vinegar.

Finger blasting is the best.

Finger blasting
is the perfect thing

to hold them over until
they're ready to move onto

something more serious,
like dinner.

Try one finger at a time.

Yum!

Two fingers.

Mmm, okay!

And then, if everybody's cool
with it, work up to three!

No, two is good.

For now.

I'll take what I can get.

Finger blasting is fun with friends.

But if my friends aren't around,
I'll just finger blast myself!

"Noice"!

Don't be a food prude!

Surprise the crew by dipping
into two sauces at once.

Whoa.

That's a shocker.

Let's be real.

They're teens.

They're gonna be snacking.

I feel safe knowing
it's under my roof

rather than behind some
movie theater or in the woods.

So get a general sense

of what your kids are putting
in their bodies and help them-

Get Finger Blasters!

Finger Blasters,
from the makers of Circle Jerky.

A lot of the women's magazines
they're supposed to like

be confidence building,

but they really just scare
the (bleep) out of you

so you buy the products in them.

Like, they all will put Jessica Alba
or somebody like that on the cover

and she's super sexualized,

no matter what magazine,
her hair is soaking wet,

and her nipples
are hard and she's like,

making a (bleep) sucking face,
she's like...

And you're like, Good Housekeeping,
like what does this even...

But they're smart.

What they're doing is saying,
"Look at Jessica Alba.

"You don't look like that.
You're (bleep) disgusting.

"You're over 30, your pussy
is a pile of garbage.

But buy this lip gloss."

And you're like,
"Okay! Will this fix it?

Will this fix
my garbage pussy?"

Like, no!

They give you advice like,
"be Asian."

You're like, "I can't!"

I would love to be Asian.

I've tried.

And they give you these sex tips.

We did a scene
on our first season,

did you guys see
the sex tips scene, right?

It's always stuff like,

"What He's Not Telling You
He Wants."

And it's (bleep)
he doesn't want.

It's like, "tickle his taint
with your nose."

No!

Nope.

Sorry.

I'm surer busy, sorry.

Do it!

Surprise him.

"Wear his favorite tie
and fist him."

Are you sure?

- Here we go.
- Whoa.

Yeah, yeah.
No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Oh, no, no, no!

Oh!

Mission failed.

You suck.

- Oh, you're so close.
- That was close.

Okay, I want to try,
what do I need to know?

Yeah, yeah, okay, well,
just let me switch my character

'cause you will ruin my rating.

There we go.

Now, it's just like
"Call of Duty,"

except the gameplay
is way more realistic, so.

Oh, cool, I can be a girl.

Yeah.
Knock yourself out.

I'm gonna grab us beers.

Oh, she's cute.

Listen up, soldiers.

We've just received intel
that there are insurgents

hiding in that village.

Let's go.

Wait, why am I not moving?

You hang back, private.

What...

Wait, what...
What the (bleep), no.

No...

What are you doing hanging out in the
barracks all by yourself, lazy?

No, I... I think...

I think my character
was just raped.

No.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Yeah.

That's never happened to me,

you must have pressed
the wrong button.

That's not part of the game.

Ted, trust me, it happened.

No.

You were just assaulted
by a fellow soldier.

Do you wish to report?

- Yeah.
- Weird.

Uh-huh.
What is this?

You know what?

Let me go check
the message boards.

Yes, I wish to report it.

Are you sure?

Yes, I'm sure.

Did you know he has a family?

No.

Does that change your mind
about reporting?

No.

What?

Level 25 unlocked.

My God.

It's just like
a ton of paperwork.

Okay

This is great.

Have you seen this picture
of the big, fat Japanese baby?

You're supposed to be checking
the message boards.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

But you gotta see
that picture later.

Paperwork complete.

Welcome to the Pentagon, soldier.

Good luck!

Ooh, the Pentagon.

Watch out, they're
attacking your character.

There isn't even
anyone around me.

What were you wearing?

- Be a team player.
- Occupational hazard.

You got to go along
to get along.

Character
assassination complete.

Attention, soldier.

Your attacker was found guilty
in a military court.

Yes, finally, thank you.

But his commanding officer
chose to reject that decision,

so he is now back
on active duty.

What?! They can do that?

What the (bleep) is this game?

(bleep) your (bleep) stupid
military bull (bleep)!

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
language, language.

- Be a lady.
- This is insane.

Why would anyone
want to play this?

Look it.

I checked the message boards
and it doesn't say anything,

so obviously you did
something wrong.

It's probably best
you don't play, okay?

Here we go.

Why are you making that noise?

It helps.

Anyway, I've had that nightmare
every night since 1988.

You're so lucky your dad's dead.

You're telling me.

You guys, I didn't know
my food came with fries.

I am not eating them.

I have had fries
like three times this week.

I'm so bad.

You can afford it.

- No.
- Who cares?

I ate like, three cans
of Pringles yesterday.

Once you pop,
they're not joking.

I'm so bad.

Those are like air.

They're literally air.

You don't look fat at all.

No, I was cyberbullying my niece
on Instagram the other day,

and I literally
ate 15 mini muffins.

I'm so bad.

They're like pellets,
that's nothing.

Are they big muffins?

- No.
- No, they're mini.

Do you know what "mini" means?

It means smaller than big.

Yesterday,
after I knelt on my gerbil

to hear what sound
it would make,

I like, wasn't thinking.

I ate a ball of mozzarella
like it was a peach.

I'm so bad.

You always look great.

No, I think that's, like,
negative calories.

I'm seriously bad.

I can't get out of bed
without having a calzone.

The other morning, when that
woman walked off the GW bridge,

I didn't do
anything to help her.

It's because I was
chewing my calzone.

I'm so bad.

Are you serious?

You're a (bleep) saint.

I'm the bad one.

Two weeks ago
when I was having...

Well, there's no term

for how late term
of an abortion this was.

Anyhoo, I literally ate
an entire bucket of wings

and chased it with
a 16-ounce lobster.

I'm like, why am I
still eating for two?

I'm so bad.

Wait, I'm really ashamed
I just told you guys that I ate like that.

Do you think I'm a monster?

- No!
- No!

Seafood, it's good for you.

Yeah.

I'm sorry about your abortion.

I took that guy that
I'm dating to the restaurant

where he was molested
and he left crying

and guess who stayed and ate the
entire rest of his birthday cake?

Me.

I was like, that'll do, pig.

Oink, oink.
I'm so bad.

You're not bad.

You're stick thin.

Your thigh gap is, like,
the envy of every thigh gap.

Last Saturday, after I took
a smoke machine to the burn unit

to see how they'd react,

I ate so much General Tso's
they gave me his hat.

It looks insane on me.

I'm so bad.

Shut your dick off.

You look amazing in hats
and you know this.

My dad says I don't
look good in anything.

Can I offer anyone dessert?

Oh.

If I...

Like, just one bite?

Would you...

share something?

Four forks?

My face!

- I'm so bad!
- I'm so bad!

I'm so... I'm so bad.

I'll have the flan.

When you turn 30,
this really cool thing happens

where your metabolism goes,
"Later, bitch!"

And you go,
"Wait, don't I need you?"

And it goes, "It doesn't
matter, bye!"

And you're...

"What about all
the calories I'm eating?"

"Bye!"

And then you read articles,
they're like, "Embrace it."

You're like, "Okay, all right,

"okay, cool, I didn't know I could
get cellulite on my face, awesome!"

Keeps creeping lower, I'm like,
"Wow, what an adventure."

Being a woman is so rewarding.

All right, my deal,

follow the queen,
follow her all around.

All right, who's ready
for some wings?

Oh!
Come on, man.

Wow! Thanks, baby.

- There's a queen right there.
- You're the best, Mrs. H.

You guys are the best.

You rule, babe.

All right.

Dude, she is so great.

I am so lucky.

Speaking of lucky,

you know that girl I told
you about from my office?

Well, we went out for drinks

and then she took me back
to her place.

How was it?

Let's just say she's flexible.

Nice.

About butt stuff.

Nice, dude.

That takes me back,
takes me back.

A few weeks ago,

the kids were at
their Gran-gran's

and my wife was so down
to (bleep),

I mean, she's like,
practically begging me,

so I grab my wife's hair,

I bend her over
this credenza, right?

I'm like, so deep in (bleep),
I'm like, "Who's your husband

Who's your husband?"

- What's the matter with you, man?
- What?

That's your wife, man, okay?

That's not cool, okay?

We all went to college with her,
we're friends.

That's, like, sick.
Sick.

Oh, I thought we were all kind
of sharing some stories.

You're a degenerate, man.

All right, all right, anyway.

I had a little incident
with that waitress

over at Padigan's
the other night.

Oh, oh, hot Tracy?

Boom.

How did you do that?

She comes up to me
and she's like,

"Can you help me carry
this box into the office?"

Yeah, right?

What happened next?

I'll help you move your box.

Exactly, right?

So I go into the office
with her, next thing I know,

she's pulling on
my parking brake

like we're at the top
of Lombard Street.

Wow, wow, wow.

What about the tits?

As advertised.

Yes, yes!

It's always the best
when you don't expect it.

I remember there was
this girl in college,

and I totally thought she was
gonna put me on the friendzone, right.

Well, we're hanging
out, all of a sudden

top comes of, she's ridding me

I'm rock (bleep) like a hammer.

And I'm like,
"I wanna marry this woman!"

I can't believe it's been
14 years.

That is so gross, Rob,
why are you doing this?

Nobody tells wife stories.

What are you, a psychopath?

Come on, man, she cooks us
Christmas dinner every year.

She's Mrs. Christmas to us.

Hope you guys don't mind.

I used four different cheeses.

You shouldn't have.

- Babe.
- God bless you, H.

- All right, you guys good on beers?
- Yeah, we're great on beers.

- Okay.
- You rock, Amy!

These nachos are insane,
by the way.

You know what else is insane?

- Come on!
- We don't wanna hear it!

- Shut your mouth.
- Jesus!

Shut your face.

This is a story about a woman who I
am totally not married to, okay?

Go on.

- Okay, I'm listening.
- All right.

Thank you.

We just come out of H&R Block,

and she's all turned on
'cause we're gonna get,

like, a sick return.

And she can buy this purse

she's been talking about
forever, right?

And she wants to bang
right in the back

of our pre-owned Subaru.

What are you doing, Rob?

What are you doing?

We know it's your wife, Rob.

Its just...
I feel like vomiting right now.

H&R Block?

You guys, I have to be able
to share stories

about the woman I love, okay?

I can't help it
that she's my wife, okay?

She inspires me.

She is my world.

I just thought 'cause
you're my friends, I could...

I could share some of our
romantic things with you.

All right, all right, man,
all right, all right.

Who's ready for the finale?

- Oh, man.
- Chocolate chip cookies!

That could not have come sooner.

You're the best, Mrs. H.

All right, if nobody needs
anything else,

honey, I'm gonna head upstairs.

Start lubing up so you can blast

my dirt (bleep) with your thumb

while you lobster-hand me
in the (bleep), okay?

Seriously, I want you
to (bleep) that mud pit

'til I make a pig noise.

And then you can (bleep) on
my (bleep) while I call my mom.

Muah.

Okay. You guys are always
welcome here.

I guess I should eat up.

I gotta (bleep)
on those (bleep).

What's a sex story about your
wife that you told recently?

Well, probably that she just
wants sex more than I do,

and I feel really lame about that.

If it were up to your wife,

how many times a week
do you think you'd have sex?

Probably like four to five.

And what do you do?

One, two.

I wonder if she's
at home right now just...

- Probably with some other dude.
- Probably.

I gotta get going.

Yeah, like I would say
maybe head out.

This seems bad.

It's not amazing.

Why would PETA use this shot?

This wasn't even during
the photo shoot.

This was taken during
my peanut butter break.

You're the one who
wanted to post naked

and pretend it was
for a good cause

so you wouldn't look
like a whore even though

that's secretly why
everybody does it.

- Can you fix it?
- Of course.

It's my job.

What about doing some appearances
for Operation Smile?

What is that?

The organization that fixes
cleft palates.

No, I really don't want
to deal with paint.

Ugh.

Whoa, whoa, whoa whoa, wait.

What about pity (beep)
a prom loser?

Yes, that's it, right?

All the hot celebrities
are doing that now.

Yeah, I don't think
any of them are actually

having sex with the teenagers,

but I don't think that going
to prom is a terrible idea.

Did a student ask you?

No.

Not yet.

But I bet if I just Google it,
he's out there somewhere.

Yeah.

You just make sure
the press is there.

- Oh, I will.
- Okay.

- Will you bring this with you?
- Sure.

Unless you think it's okay.

I... I don't.

Okay

Prom.

God.

Ugh.

Who do we have here?

That's why if you're
watching this,

I really hope you agree
to come to prom with me.

I promise we'll have
a really great time.

Please say yes.

Love, Lucas.

You just got yourself
a prom date, buddy.

Wait, he's still in high school.

Well, I hope this kid's ready
eat (bleep) a ton of (bleep).

Wait here until
after the dance, Montgomery.

Yes, ma'am!

♪ My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're like
it's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ I can teach you,
but I have to charge ♪

♪ My milkshake brings
all the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're like
it's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ I can teach you ♪

Excuse me, ma'am, the Al-Anon
meeting is on Sunday.

No, you silly hooker,
I'm here for the prom!

L-L-L-L-Lucas!

Hi.

Hi, do I know you?

I'm your celebrity prom date.

I'm Amy Schumer.

Surprised?

I've never heard of you.

You know "When's lunch"?

Uh, this is my
girlfriend Madison.

Girlfriend?

What about your YouTube video?

Oh, you mean the one where
I asked Madison to prom?

Did you even watch
the whole thing?

Is anybody (bleep)
talking to you Madison?

This is none of your business.

You seriously need
to back off right now.

Excuse me, this is my business.

Oh, really?
You know what?

You're ruining the best night
of Lucas' short life, okay?

Whatever, Joy Behar.

What?

You get off!

This is... Ow!

Oh, my God, you killed him!

Let go!

My God!

I'm a cripple!

You give it back,
I brought that!

Out of my way!

These are the best years
of your lives

because you're (bleep) losers!

You think you could follow Tosh?

You can't!

Montgomery, I'm riding up front!

Whatever you say, Mrs. S!

Oh, my God.

My arms look so skinny.

They do.

They really do.

Who would you have brought
to prom if you could've?

Like, any celebrity.

I love Liz Phair,
which makes me sound super old.

No, not old.

Maybe not straight, but...

- So, Mandy, you're a sex columnist.
- Yep.

So when you come up with
sex tips, is there a formula?

Is it like, combine an object
with an action?

Well, I think that's
the old myth,

is that, like, you just
look around the room

and you say, like, well,

you put potato chips
in a cup and then...

- put your dick in it.
- Put your dick in there.

It's always like,
and throw the dick in there.

How many of your suggestions
have you actually used yourself?

I wrote something about
putting lipstick and like,

circling the parts that you
wanted attention to, you know?

Mine would just look like...
Like wax lips around my (bleep).

I've used, like, an Altoid for,

like, oral sex before,
and that actually is...

- That works?
- Mm-hmm.

You've never had somebody
do that with you though, right?

No, yeah, I don't really
like that that much.

A guy going down on you?

Not so much.

- Why?
- Do you?

Yeah.

It just feels very intimate.

Right.

It's the most intimate.

You don't like a guy
going down on you?

I mean, if they're good at it.

- They have to be short.
- But what's great about...

Like, short guys are really
good at oral sex.

- They are?
- That's, like, science.

You kind of go in the trenches
for your stories, I would say.

So what is the course
you're taking this week?

It's a form of meditation
that involves people rubbing

your (bleep) until you (bleep).

Now, I know that I feel like
we don't hang out enough.

You found
a male prostitute in Reno?

Oh, yeah, he was the first
legal male prostitute.

How big was his penis?

Tell me when to stop.

I don't know, I just tried to-

Maybe a little...

About...

Okay, okay, good for him.

I gave him, like,
a half-hearted hand job.

That's very sweet.

Like, who's giving out
these hand jobs?

'Cause, like...

I've had a guy
that really liked handies.

Yeah.

He was great, he was the hottest
guy I've ever been with.

Wow.

- So you were just like...
- I was like, whatever.

- Yeah.
- That's nice.

I seriously haven't given
a hand job to completion since,

like, elementary school.

Yeah, it's a little immature.

What's your job?

Hi!

Everyone hug the
person next to you.

Vaginal meshes.

What's a... What's a...

What's a vaginal mesh?

It's just, like, when your
vagina gets all messed up

and then we get a mesh
in there and fix it.

Damn!

My last egg just ran
for the hills.

No, thanks.

I'm Amy Schumer.

You know, "When's lunch?"

Okay, I've never heard of you.

This is my girlfriend Madison.

L-L-L-Lucas!

Hi!

Hi, do I know you?

I get you more than her!

Get away from us!

Let's go!

I'm okay.
I'm okay.

So easy.

Mmm, magic!