Original subtitles

( Jeff Barry's "Hello Down There" playing )

JEFF BARRY: Doo-boo-doo da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo dah dah Dah dah *

Whoa, hello down there *

ALL: Wa-wa-wa-wa Wa-wa-wa *

Hello down there *

Wah wa-wa wah wa-wa *

Wah wa-wa wah wa-wa *

Wah wah wah *

Wah wah-wah *

Oh, hello down there *

La-n-da doo dee-ohh-dah *

Doo dee da-da *

( musical interlude )

( cool sax solo playing )

Da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo dah dah Dah dah *

Oh, hello down there *

FISH CHORUS: Wa-wa-wa-wa Wa-wa-wa *

Wa wa wah-wah *

Wah wa-wa wah wa-wa *

Wah wa-wa wah wa-wa *

Wah wah wah *

Wah wah wah *

Oh, hello down there *

( mellow horn and string interlude playing )

Dah dah dah *

Doo-boo-doo da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo dah dah Dah dah *

Oh, hello down there *

Hello down there *

( song ends )

( tense, suspenseful theme playing )

( theme ends )

We maintain normal atmospheric pressure in here

by a special mixture of oxygen and helium.

Never mind the scientific lecture, Miller.

Just what is this crazy project you've dragged me down here to see?

Mr. Hollister...

this project meets the most important challenge of the future.

Never mind the future.

Just give me the past.

An oyster's-- There she is.

Where?

Right there. Dead ahead.

HOLLISTER: Well, I see where is it, but what is it?

It looks like a-- A large onion.

That's what we call it. "The Green Onion."

Two hundred thousand dollars for an underwater onion?

It's a house.

A completely self-sufficient underwater house.

A house for what? Flounders?

Underwater living is coming, T.R. It has to.

At the present population growth, in the predictable future,

there'll be one human being for every square foot of land on Earth.

Can you imagine what that means?

This is your future living space, unless--

Well, people weren't meant to live underwater.

Or fly. Or go to the moon.

We can't continue to ignore 71 percent

of the Earth's surface, T.R., just because it's underwater.

Wait till you see the inside.

Take me back.

One more minute.

Of all the wild, impossible...

money-wasting schemes I've ever heard of,

this absolutely takes the cake.

(crackling) (yelling)

Don't, T.R.! Hey! Not in this artificial atmosphere!

(stammering)

(spits)

(stammers)

(groans)

(sighs)

It won't be long now, Mr. Miller.

HOLLISTER: Two hundred thousand dollars down the drain,

and all I wind up with is a cold in the head.

Fred Miller is still waiting to see you, Mr. Hollister.

Well, I don't want to see him. I'm afraid I might kill him.

( muffled growls )

T.R., the whole thing was merely an unfortunate accident.

The first accident was you, Briggs.

Putting that nincompoop Fred Miller in charge of research and development.

I'm not a nincompoop.

You are an unemployed nincompoop.

Our competitor's developing defense facilities,

undersea oil wells, while we are building $200,000 playhouses.

It's not a playhouse.

It's a practical home

for a typical American family to live in,

and I can prove it. How?

By having a family live in it for 30 days.

Ho-ho-ho. Oh, that's absolutely preposterous. Ridiculous.

T.R., we ought to at least test this project

before we write off all that money.

We could run an ad, interview families--

A-ads and interviews. A-are you insane?

Why, if news of this nutty project got out, our stock would drop 20 points.

But, T.R., we-- No buts. No buts.

I want this house destroyed. Dismantled immediately.

I want all the records burned at sea, if necessary.

T.R., I know a family that'll do it.

No one has to know a thing about it.

The only family we have to talk to.

What family? My family.

Your family?!

Why, your wife, Vivian, is afraid of water.

She's a-- She's a-- A-an aquaphobe.

(laughs) I can convince her.

Well, now wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You said a typical American family.

Your family is typical?

Why...

Why, yes, T.R.

They're extraordinarily typical.

can't make the rains to fall , no *

I can't climb a mountain tall No, no *

But I... *

Can love you *

Yes, I... *

Can love you *

I can't make the sun to shine No, no *

I can't stop the hands of time No, no *

But I... *

Ah, ah, ah, ah! ...can love you *

Yes, I... *

Can love you *

Nobody but me Can hold you tight *

Nobody but me Can treat you right *

Nobody but me Knows what to say *

I'm the only one Who knows the way *

Yeah, I... *

Can love you *

Yeah, I... *

Can love you *

Baby *

I can't make the sun to shine No, no *

I can't stop the hands of time No, no *

But I... *

Can love you *

Welcome home, Mr. Miller.

What? Welcome home!

...can love you *

Nobody but me Can hold you tight *

Hi, Viv.

Nobody but me Can treat you right *

Nobody but me Knows what to say *

Hey, Viv?

I'm the only one Who knows the way *

(buttons clicking)

Forty Nights in a Harem. That's a good title.

Hi, darling. Mmm-mwah! What did you say?

I said, Forty Nights in a Harem, that's--

Good commercial title, don't you think?

Hey, darling, why don't you go and relax a minute.

I wanna finish the seduction scene, okay?

I... *

Can love you *

Well, I... *

Can love you *

(song ends) (cheers)

Hi, Daddy.

Hello, kids. Hello, Harold. Hello, Marvin.

DRUMMER: Hello, Mr. Miller.

Lorrie, I think you found it. You've finally found it.

Don't you think so, Mr. Miller?

What are they looking for? The sound.

Yes, they found it.

No, man, not just any sound. The sound.

The sound that's gonna make us millionaires.

Well, Mr. Ashbury says our last number was really close.

Is Mr. Ashbury an ear specialist?

Nate Ashbury?

Why, he's the founder, chairman of the board

and president of Stentorian Records.

Stentorian? That means loud.

Right. Yeah. Yes, yes, yes.

And we're gonna take this new number down to him right now.

Isn't it kind of late? Well, not for Mr. Ashbury.

He's a boy millionaire. Works around the clock.

Come on, let's go. Bye, Daddy.

Come on, Marvin. Bye, Myrtle. Thanks a lot.

Bye, Myrtle. I got my fingers crossed.

Ciao.

(laughs): Hoo-hoo! I think they...

You got problems, Mr. Miller?

No.

(typewriter keys tapping)

You want a swig of my tonic?

No, thank you, Myrtle. I'm on the wagon.

Hmm.

(clicks tongue)

(typewriter dings)

Hey.

You're supposed to be relaxing.

Yeah. I am. Mm-hmm.

Problems? No.

Oh. Viv?

Hmm?

How's the writing coming along?

Oh, I really think it's going to sell.

It's all about a girl piano-tuner who works in a harem.

Girl piano-tuner, huh? Gee, that's brilliant.

Will you look at those children? Viv?

What, dear?

Listen, why don't you write a story about a family

that lives in an experimental house.

An experimental house?

One that you designed?

Right.

And I promised T.R. that...

this family would live in it for the next 30 days.

Without even...consulting us?

Gee whiz, I thought you'd love the idea.

T.R. insists that we have a family test it, so--

Test it?

The house has to be tested? Oh, no.

Is there something wrong with it? Is it gonna fall down?

No, the family has to be tested.

Their reactions to the modern conveniences,

the ultramodern comfort... Where is this house?

...the breathtaking beauty of the decor...

Where is this house?

...the push-button, labor-saving devices,

the beautiful, magnificent, ever-changing view...

Where is this house? ...the serenity,

the beauty, the charm--

Fred. Yes?

Where is this house?

Oh, it's about, uh, three miles off the coast.

An island?

And it's built on a foundation of solid rock,

about 90 feet--

About 90 feet, what?

Underwater.

Underwater?!

You must be out of your mind!

Oh, no, Captain Bligh.

You're not giving this girl the deep six.

(laughs): Honey, the house is watertight.

Well, I think you're tight. And not on water.

Have you ever known me to take a drink?

Or else you've been nipping on Myrtle's tonic.

You know I'm terrified of water. I can't even swim.

You don't have to swim. We'd get there in a submarine.

A submarine! Oh, that's marvelous. That's wonderful.

Honey, will you--? Don't you touch me.

How do you know you won't like it when you haven't even tried it?

I haven't tried cutting my wrists either,

because some strange instinct of self-survival says, "Drop the razor, Viv."

And right now, it's saying, "Drop dead, buster."

Don't you touch me. This-- This is pure hysteria.

You haven't given me one rational reason.

All right. I'll give you a rational reason.

I don't like the neighborhood. It's very exclusive.

Good. Then exclude me out.

Where are you going? I am going to my bedroom.

Now, just a minute. You mean our bedroom.

Well, that's where you're wrong. I mean my bedroom.

Viv...

honey...

baby...

Aw, come on.

And furthermore, I hate you.

Would-- Would you like a little more time to think it over?

(over speakers): Yeah, I... *

Can love you *

Yeah, I... *

Can love you *

Baby *

I... *

Can love you *

Well, I... *

Can love you *

( song ends )

Out of sight.

I think it is out of sight.

(band cheers)

Cool it!

Just wait one minute.

Let us see if it has turned on the brain machine.

Uh--

I would certainly advise that, Mr. Ashbury.

After all, my computer analyzed and selected your last ten hits.

Oh, doc, now you know that I flip

over every teensy tube in your gassy little think tank.

(whispers): Dr. Wells has a Ph.D. in computer analysis.

(whispers): Yeah, yeah, yeah.

(whispers): I think she's a ding-a-ling.

What seems to be the hang-up, doc?

Stuck.

Ooh!

(whirring, boinging)

What's it say? How important is that?

Is it gonna make it for us? What does it say?

This musical selection correlates

with a vibratory resonance index of .95.

Meaning?

Meaning .95 affirmative.

(band cheers)

Cool it!

Okay, doc, what's with the other five points?

Negative. That's a bummer.

Where does it say that? Right there.

( solemn, melancholy theme playing )

(chuckles)

(gently): Oh, I've just been atrocious, haven't I?

No, no. Not really. Ahhh...

I mean, this thing means a lot to you.

It means everything.

Oh, I've been a bad wife.

Even my job is at stake.

Bad, bad, bad.

My whole career, for that matter.

Unfeeling, selfish, thoughtless.

Your future, my future, the kids' future.

Even trifling things like Tommie's new surfboard.

Mmm, bad, bad, bad.

Viv? Hm?

Are you listening to me? Of course.

What was I talking about?

Tommie's surfboard.

Then you still won't do it, huh?

Do what?

Live in the underwater house.

But of course I will. That's what I've been trying to tell you.

You will, Viv?

Oh...

Darling...

I don't know if I can last the full 30 days but...

I'll try.

Then you're reconciled to the dan--

The inconvenience?

I'm reconciled to you.

(honks horn)

Mm-- Here are the kids. Shall we tell them?

Why not? They'll love it.

Underwater?!

Daddy, it's impossible.

I'll die!

We can't go away now, underwater or anywhere else.

We're just five index points from a hit record.

But, children, I explained how important it is to your father.

It's only for 30 days.

Harold can't wait 30 days.

Please, Daddy, don't ask us to walk out on Harold.

Where would he find two more Hang Ups?

Um...

Maybe Harold and his brother could come with us.

What? Down there?

(sternly): Fred, why not?

Yeah. Why not?

You can work on your song down there.

The acoustics are perfect. I don't know.

Well, why don't you go call Harold and find out.

All right.

I-I'll have to tell his parents

we're going on a trip or something.

This is supposed to be a secret.

All right, but if he breaks off the engagement, it's your fault.

Who says they're engaged? Don't worry about it.

Don't worry, Dad. Harold's father will let him go.

He's been threatening to send Harold to Alaska.

BOY (over phone): Hello. Harold?

How would you like to live with us in a new house for 30 days?

Thirty days?

That's right, Harold, 30 days.

Sure. I'd love to.

You will? Oh, that's wonderful.

Where is this new house?

Wh-where's the house?

Well, that's the one teensy-weensy little thing I didn't tell you.

And it's the best part of all, because of the acoustics.

And it's top-secret,

so don't breathe a word of it to your parents.

It's located three miles offshore

and about 90 feet underwater.

Underwater?!

( drum banging rhythmically )

( "Hello Down There" instrumental playing peacefully )

( song ends )

We're here, kids.

We're home.

(family cheering)

LORRIE: Wasn't it fun? VIV: Oh, I can't wait.

Okay.

(family conversing indistinctly)

I can't find-- Give me your hand.

Oh, thank you, dear.

LORRIE: Ooh!

I'm coming.

It's okay. Ow!

Wow! Wow.

That's too much. Come on, Marv. Wow.

LORRIE: Look at all the fish! I don't believe it.

It's like an aquarium.

Daddy, it's great!

Fred, darling, it's beautiful.

It's not only beautiful, it's functional.

We get our light, our power, everything from the ocean.

Oh, I'm so proud of you.

(animal squeaking) Oh! What's that?

FRED: Oh, that's the Duke and the Duchess.

Oh, it's cute.

They're a pair of dolphins that made friends with us

while we were building this place.

Oh, but, Daddy, are they gonna come back?

Oh, sure. Now you kids unload the sub.

Okay.

I'm going to show you the answer to a maiden's prayer.

What? A perfect kitchen.

(dings)

Behold, your refrigerator.

Flora and fauna of the sea.

Harvested or caught in your own front yard.

That's incredible.

Now, here's your garbage disposal.

Mm-hmm.

Be sure you incinerate before you eject.

Yes, sir. Very important.

Okay.

Your sink. Wonderful.

Push that button. This one?

(dings) Yeah.

What'll happen? Oh, look.

Your dishwasher.

I don't believe-- Behind you is your oven.

Here's your hot plate.

(ringing melodically)

D--? Did you really design all of this?

Mm-hmm.

I am truly impressed.

Recipe book. Baked kelp, broiled kelp,

fried kelp, deviled kelp, kelp.

Wonderful. Now here's your clothes washer.

And there's a special detergent in my lab right there.

Well, I'm sure everyone's starved,

so I'll see what I can--

I knew you'd love it. Oh!

Let me take this.

Oh, no, that's all right, darling. I'll--

I have to tell T.R. we've arrived.

Okay.

I hope Myrtle Ruth got-- Shhhh.

(whispers): I hope Myrtle Ruth got everything straight.

When's she coming in?

(whispers): Saturday at 12:00.

Groovy. That'll give us plenty of time.

Well, how's she gonna--? Shh, Marvin.

(whispers): How is she gonna know how to find us?

I told her to go three miles due north of the pier.

That's where Daddy says we are.

Oh.

( slow, silly theme playing )

You better not start anything with me, fatso.

There's a recipe in here for you too, you know.

Green Onion calling T.R.

Green Onion calling T.R.

HOLLISTER: Come in, Miller. T.R. here.

And, uh, speak discreetly.

This isn't a private channel, you know.

Will do, T.R. Just wanted to report that we arrived safely.

If you haven't any objections,

I'm sending a crew over for the large sub.

We'll, uh, leave you the little one.

That's okay with me.

Is Viv down there with you?

She sure is.

You're not much on research and development, Miller,

but if you talk Vivian into staying down there,

I ought to make you head of sales.

I'll bet you she doesn't last, uh...two days.

Is that so? Well, just name the stakes.

I already did.

Your job.

(cackling)

( cackling continues )

HOLLISTER: Wait a minute. What is this ridiculous-looking contraption

you're dragging into my office?

Well, this is a scale model, sir, of the H-O-D.

H-O-D. HOD. I can spell. But what does it mean?

Well, I named it after you, sir.

The "Hollister Ore Dredge."

Well, I like the title.

Is this one of Fred Miller's nutty ideas?

Uh, not at all, T.R.

Cheever here developed this on his own. Right, Mel?

Well, you know, Fred was so obsessed with that underwater house of his.

(laughs)

Permit me to demonstrate, sir. You see... Yeah.

...the HOD can move across the ocean bottom on these treads.

And each 24 hours, it will dredge in

and process 7 tons of sand and earth.

Sand?

Well, the raw materials are sucked through here and filtered, you see.

The slag is ejected back here,

and the valuable residue is retained.

Valuable residue?

Well, T.R., as you well know, on the ocean floor,

there are large quantities of gold, uranium,

magnesium and other precious metals.

Gold.

( cash register dings )

Uranium.

( cash register dings )

Magnesium. ( cash register dings )

Mel has already constructed the full-size model.

All we need is your okay to put it into operation.

Well, you have it. You have it. Is this a working model?

Working model? Oh, yes, sir. Well, would you like me to demonstrate?

By all means. My door and my mind are always open.

Gold. (HOD whirring)

Uranium.

Magne-- Ah! Ah!

Here, here, here!

Sucking the tie! Stop it!

WILL: ...like your own habits.

Here you go, Mom. Oh, thanks, honey.

Well, you have habits that are diurnal, back and forth--

Daddy, do you want anymore? No, thanks.

Yes, Dad. Kelp yourself.

Kelp?

(boys laughing)

See, Dad? It's kelp, see? So "kelp yourself."

Ya da da da da dah Ya da da da da dah *

Ya da da da da daa-aah *

What a brilliant son you have.

Daddy, as soon as I wash the dishes, can we work on our new song?

Go ahead, honey. I'll help Mother.

Thank you.

Hey, Harold, do you have an inspiration yet?

Not yet, but...

I'm working on it.

Look, Lorrie, why don't we do that number about the hippie

who tries to get work in a fruit stand--

Hey, look at the goldfish.

LORRIE: Oh, that's not a goldfish.

Well, it's gold, isn't it?

Forget it, Marvin, and concentrate on an idea, please.

Come on, what's wrong with that idea? I mean--

MARVIN: Tommie, that's not gonna work.

Every time we think of a song, you bring up that stupid thing.

LORRIE: It's terrible.

TOMMIE: He gets all hung up about bananas.

Cool it. I've got it. I've got it.

Listen, just follow the rhythm.

(plays smooth bass rhythm)

Groovy beat, huh?

HAROLD: Hmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm *

Hmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm * Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm *

Hey, little goldfish *

Where you goin' to? *

Little goldfish Let me swim along *

With you *

Pretty goldfish *

We could have A whale of a time *

Mm-mm *

Put your fin in mine *

Mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-mmm-mm-mm * (squawking)

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm *

The tide is in And it's gettin' dark out *

There might be a shark out *

Ooh ooh * Ooh ooh *

But don't worry I'll hold you tight *

The starfish will shine So bright *

And everything Will be all right *

Little goldfish Where you goin' to? *

Little goldfish Let me swim along with you *

Pretty goldfish, we could have A whale of a time *

Mm-mm *

Put your fin in mine *

Mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Where'd you learn to carry on like that?

Well, I... I watched the children.

Not enough.

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Little goldfish Where you goin' to? *

Little goldfish Let me swim along with you *

Pretty goldfish, we could have A whale of a time *

Mm-mm *

Put your fin in mine *

Mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mm Mm-mmm-mm-mm-mm *

Mmm-mm-hmm-mm-mmmmmmm *

That was great! Beautiful!

T.R. to HOD.

T.R. to HOD.

(tapping metal)

Come in, Cheever.

Come in, Cheever!

Uh, Cheever here, sir. Reporting from the HOD.

You got any gold yet?

Oh, Jonah and I were just setting up, sir.

Jonah? Yeah, my assistant.

I thought the name was a good omen, you know.

Three days in the belly of the whale and all that.

(chuckles)

Yeah, that's, uh, very amusing.

Look, Cheever, I'm counting on you and the HOD to make up

for the money that Miller's wasting on that idiotic house.

Oh, you can depend on me, sir.

You bring this off, Cheever, and I'll give you Miller's job.

Head of research.

Oh, thank you, sir.

Over and out. Roger. Out.

Jonah, did you hear that?

The boss is depending on me, and I'm depending on you.

Oh, you can count on me, sir.

(yells)

Oops.

( low-key jazz theme plays )

(alarm beeping, bell clanging)

What's that?

It's the alarm. We've sprung a leak.

The children?

Mom, what is it?! Lorrie!

(clamoring)

(Fred yells, others grow quiet)

We're taking on water.

Get the girls into the sub!

(clamoring)

Wait, where are you going?!

Come on, come on.

Come on. One at a time. One at a time.

(clamoring continues)

Help, help! Help me!

Get her out!

Everything will be all right.

Okay. I've got a knee in the head.

(barks softly)

FRED: False alarm!

False alarm! (beeping, clanging stop)

Everything's under control.

(in unison): Oh!

Hey, honey, you're all wet.

Oh, really? You been taking a little dip?

You'll laugh when you hear what happened.

A seal got into our shower and turned on the water.

A seal? Ha-ha-ha-ha.

The water overflowed on the floor and tripped the alarm system.

Well, come on, let's go see him.

Well, at least we know the alarm system survived the test.

Well, my nervous system didn't.

It's been stripped, ganglia by ganglia. Like gears.

Honey, I'm going to bed. Dry off and join me.

What?

(squeaking)

Oh, shut up.

(squeaking)

Breakfast is ready, Fred. (flippers clapping)

(barks)

Oh, no, Gladys, I'm not cooking your breakfast.

Go get your own.

Go on. (barks)

(kids chattering)

TOMMIE: Will you hurry up and finish your breakfast.

HAROLD: Oh, you're a pig.

Hey, Dad, can we go scuba diving today?

Yeah, I suppose so. Groovy. Can you come with us?

No, I have to go out and collect specimens from the sea bottom.

You kids wanna help me?

KIDS (in unison): No.

Uh, more coffee, Harold? Yes, please.

( upbeat, mellow theme playing )

(suction hissing)

Can I help you, Daddy?

I got it.

(barking)

Oh, Gladys, I can't play now.

I don't have time to play with you now.

Oh.

(barks)

Hi, Mom. Hi, hon.

(Gladys barks)

Hi, Gladys.

Oh, excuse me, Gladys.

Let's see.

Oh, there it is.

What's next, Mommy? Uh...boys' room.

Okay. Okay?

Mm-hm.

Mother, what are we gonna do about dinner tonight?

Is, um--? What?

What's Gladys looking at?

Oh...she thinks it's a TV set.

Maybe she's watching Mutiny on the Bounty.

(chuckles): Yeah.

(motor whirring)

Mr. Cheever. Uh-huh?

There's something you ought to know.

Yeah?

I don't know.

Somehow all the air got out of this thing.

"Somehow," huh? Yeah.

I guess I didn't have the bib on tight enough.

( grumbles )

Ow! Ooh!

We need that compressed air!

Now I suppose I'll just have to surface for it.

Or maybe...

I'll just borrow some from a neighbor.

(laughs)

Who?

Never mind.

( slow, playful theme playing )

Vacuum. Vacuum.

Funny-looking vacuum.

I guess this is it.

( suspenseful theme playing )

(squeaking)

(squawks)

(creaking)

(thud)

(creaking continues)

( air hissing, objects clattering )

(screams)

Oh! Oh!

Mommy, the house is tilt--!

(screams)

(screaming)

(alarm beeping, bell clanging)

(screaming)

(squeaking)

( action theme playing )

(squeaking)

(squeaking)

FRED: Give me a hand, kids.

MARVIN: Hey, Mr. Miller. Are we all right?

Yeah. Okay.

Everything gonna be okay? What happened, Daddy?

Somehow we lost pressure in pylon number three. I don't know how.

I reinflated it.

Here. Where's your mother?

She said she'd be in her bedroom.

Her bedroom?

Everything's under control.

You're not gonna need this anymore.

You're right. Because I'm going home.

Aw, Viv.

You know I made a commitment to T.R.

(mockingly): "But, Viv, you know I made a commitment to T.R."

Well, you had no right to commit me and the children.

But did you think of our welfare? Oh, no.

All you could think about was your precious project.

Oh, sweet-- Don't touch me.

Viv, sweetheart, you-- Don't you touch me.

Oh, what's the use?

Can't make you stay.

I'll just call T.R. and tell him the whole thing's a flop.

(exhales deeply)

Oh, all right, I'll stay.

Oh, Viv. But not for your sake.

For the sake of the future of our children. And don't touch me.

I love you. Stay out of the fun zone.

Sweet-- I said I'd stay, but no dividends.

Baby... You want me to act like a fish?

All right, I will. A cold fish.

Glub, glub.

Glub, glub, glub. Very funny.

Glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub, glub...

Don't do that. Glub, glub.

Oh, man. Man, I want you to blow every tube

in that crazy brain machine.

Turn it on, baby, and we all make the gig.

Come on, come on.

Myrtle Ruth is probably up there now. It's after noon.

Shh. Not so loud. Daddy's in the laboratory.

Shh.

Good luck, Tommie.

Good luck.

Here. All right.

In we go.

There.

Don't forget to breathe through the machine.

Right. Here.

You all set? Good luck.

( upbeat jazz theme playing )

(squeaks)

Hi, Myrtle Ruth.

You're right on time.

They must be putting LSD in this stuff.

(squawks)

Oh, hi! Oh, it's Tommie.

Oh, Tommie, am I glad to see you.

I thought that fish was, you know...

(laughs)

Myrtle Ruth... meet Duke.

I almost did already.

(laughs)

How's the family, Tommie?

Well, fine. Everybody's just great.

Oh, groovy. Ha.

(squeaks)

(laughs)

Where did you pick him up?

Oh, he's a music lover.

(chuckles)

Here...take this to Mr. Ashbury

right away.

But remember, you can't tell him where we are.

I dig.

(squeaks)

Ciao.

( upbeat jazz theme playing )

( kids playing Jeff Barry's "I Can Love You" )

KIDS: Yes, I can love you *

Yes, I can love you *

Baby *

I can love you *

Well, I can love you * Kids, please.

Kids, please. You're driving me out of my mind.

(song ends)

Why can't you play something nice for a change?

Like what, Daddy? I don't know. Something--

Something with some melody and heart to it.

Something your mother and I can relate to.

(plays four notes)

Just one more chance *

Remember that one, dear?

Just one more chance *

To prove it's you alone I care for *

( strumming )

Each night I say A little prayer for *

Just one more chance *

Just one more night *

To taste the kisses That enchant me *

I'd want no others If you'd grant me *

Just one more chance *

I've learned the meaning Of repentance *

Now you're the jury At my trial *

I know that I should Serve my sentence *

[BARKS]

Still I'm hoping all the while *

You'll give me *

Just one more word *

I said that I was glad To start out *

[CHIRPING]

But now I'm back To cry my heart out *

For just one more chance *

Oh, I've learned the meaning Of repentance *

Now you're the jury At my trial *

( bold, upbeat march theme plays )

(pinging)

(pinging melodically)

Hey, chief.

What is it? Look at that.

What is that?

You tell me.

Submarine?

Well, if it is, it ain't one of ours.

Now you're the jury At my trial *

I know that I should serve My sentence *

Still I'm hoping all the while *

(barking)

You'll give me *

Just one more word *

I said that I was glad To start out *

But now I'm back To cry my heart out *

For just one more chance *

(song ends)

(clapping)

Thank you, Gladys.

Really-- Really grabs you here, doesn't it?

Well, I'll say one thing, Mr. Miller.

It really turns me off.

Thank you, Marvin.

It's gone. Just like that.

So?

Well, whatever was making that sound must still be there.

Yeah, it stands to reason.

It must be some new gizmo.

One of them anti-sonar blanketing devices.

Well, has our side got anything like that?

No.

I better report this to the captain.

T.R., have you heard from Cheever lately?

Well, he called four days ago

and said the HOD was functioning perfectly.

I'm gonna call him and see how much gold he's collected.

(click)

T.R. to HOD.

(over speakers): T.R. to HOD.

Come in, Cheever!

Uh, Cheever here, sir.

How much gold have you collected?

Uh...

Uh...

Uh, we'll give you a full report in a day or two, sir.

Briggs is here with me.

He thinks you ought to have a bonus.

You know what I'm gonna do? No, no. What, sir?

I'm gonna cut off that piddling salary of yours

and give you 1 percent of all the gold that you dredge up.

Oh, that's just great, sir.

Keep up the good work, son. You're on my team.

Over and out.

Over and out.

You know, with all the sand we've been digging up,

maybe we can make a deal with a construction company.

(both laugh)

Shut up and get back to work!

(electricity zapping, crackling)

B-but, Mr. Cheever-- Mister-- Out, out, out.

Out! Out!

( playing groovy rock song )

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

You know you give me So much devotion *

That it keeps on comin' Like the waves on an ocean *

Say it, glub *

Love bubble *

Lovin' you so Ain't no trouble *

G-g-g-g-g-g-glub *

Love bubble *

Lovin' you so Ain't no trouble *

You keep on givin' me True affection *

And sendin' floods of love In my direction *

Say it, glub *

Glub, glub *

m-mmm-mm, glub *

ub, glub *

I'm so happy out here *

Driftin' on a sea of kisses Yeah *

I could live forever *

A life of lovin' Like the fishes *

That's what I say *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

G-g-g-g-g-g-glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Oh-ho-ho-ho *

( bold march theme plays )

(pinging melodically)

It's still there, captain.

Good. I just sent a destroyer to that area.

We'll have a triangulation in just a few minutes.

That's what I say *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

G-g-g-g-g-g-glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Oh-ho-ho-ho *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

G-g-g-g-g-g-glub *

Glub, glub *

(song ends)

It's gone.

(snaps fingers)

Just like that. But how?

That's what we want to know, captain.

CREWMAN: Report from the destroyer, sir.

They say something's blanking out their sonar signal.

They wanna know if our side has some kind of a--

Secret weapon.

Secret weapon? Yes, sir.

Of course we haven't. Well, somebody sure has.

Chief, get me Admiral Sheridan at the 6th Naval District Headquarters.

Aye, aye, sir. Secret weapon.

Yes, sir.

( slow, ominous theme playing)

(screaming)

What's wrong? Fred, a shark in that window.

And that one too. Over there.

MARVIN: Hey, we're surrounded.

VIV: Oh, Fred, I'm frightened.

Me too, Daddy.

Did someone expel some garbage without incinerating it?

I don't know, just make them go away.

Don't worry.

Harold.

(quietly): The main thing is not to frighten the girls. Just keep playing.

Like the orchestra was playing when the Titanic sunk. I dig.

Oh, what's that? It's a squeeze buoy.

Well, what's a squeeze buoy?

It contains a chemical that attracts sharks.

That's all we need. More sharks.

This floats to the surface and attracts them up there, away from the house.

(vapor hisses)

( tense, thrilling theme playing )

Hey, little goldfish *

Where you goin' to? *

Little goldfish Let me swim along with you *

Pretty goldfish *

We could have A whale of a time *

(barks)

Put your fin in mine *

Now watch the ports.

They'll all be lured up to...

The chemical is falling down around the house.

Well, what does that mean?

Oh!

(alarm wailing)

Help! Mommy!

Honey.

Oh! They're smashing the ports.

FRED: It's the chemical on the glass. It attracts them like blood.

Daddy!

Viv, Lorrie, Tommie, Marvin, into the sub!

Oh, no, Fred. What about you?

And Harold! Yeah!

There's only room for four. Harold, come with me.

Mommy, we have to go.

(all clamoring)

(vapor hisses)

What's the matter? What's the matter?

It won't work.

The circuits are blown.

(all screaming)

Daddy! Fred!

TOMMIE: Dad, he's jumping!

(guitar hits sour note)

Glass won't take much more of that.

Marvin! MARVIN: Harold.

HAROLD: Marvin, come here.

What do you want me to do?

Will you help me take this out?

It's gonna be all right. Fred?

What do you want now? Flippers.

Fred, you're not going in. I won't let you.

I have no choice, honey.

I have to release this far from the house

to draw off the sharks. No.

(squeaking) Look.

Duke's gonna escort me.

Fred, please, no.

(squeaking)

( tense theme plays )

(squeaks)

( theme becomes calm & joyous )

LORRIE: Oh, Daddy. Are you all right?

VIV: Oh, thank heavens.

Oh, darling.

FRED: There we go.

TOMMIE: Fantastic. VIV: Oh, darling.

MARVIN: You did it.

Thank heavens.

HAROLD: That's fantastic.

I'm so proud of you.

Beautiful.

(barking)

Well, it's all finished.

Oh, I thought you were finished.

I promise you never, never, never-- No more glub, glub.

(laughter)

.Little goldfish Where you goin' to? *

.Little goldfish Let me swim along with you *

Pretty goldfish *

.We could have A whale of a time *

Mmm-mmm-mm *

Put your fin in mine *

( singers humming melody )

(screams)

Doctor!

Oh, doctor. Doctor, you've been zonked.

Don't be alarmed, Mr. Ashbury. That was predictable.

And perhaps benign.

Will you speak English!

She means like mellow, gassy, neat.

Just as I suspected.

The correlation index of this musical number is 1.27.

1.27? Oh, doctor,

I think you have been smoking my bananas.

This number should outsell everything Stentorian Records ever published.

(laughs)(laughs)

1.27!

1.27.1.27.

Dig that? I dig that!

I shall be the first boy billionaire.

Ah...

Mildred... get me Merv Griffin.

Oh-hoo! At the Diplomat.

Mmm...

We shall make a million copies of the first record.

"Hey, Little Goldfish," with Harold and His Hang Ups.

Yeah, goldfish?

Sam and His Submarines.

How about, uh... The Green Onion?

(phone buzzes)

I don't know about that.

Merv? Yeah.

Hey, listen.

You know that gig you offered me on next Saturday's show?

I'll take it.

A new, positively guaranteed, computer-tested hit. Yeah.

Mm-mwah!

The Green Onion.

That's the name of the group. Yeah.

Ha-ha, can they make rehearsal? You know it.

Oh-ho.

Yeah, bye.

What a promo. Oh...what a promo!

Coast-to-coast debut on The Merv Griffin Show.

But, Mr. Ashbury, they can't. Can't what?

Can't make it. Make what?

Make-- Make-- Make the rehearsal.

Or be on the show either.

You have flipped.

They're, uh-- They're, uh...

out of town.

Out of town? Way out.

Where? I can't tell you.

Oooh!

Y-y-y-y-- Do something!

Me? What?

Torture her. Mr. Ashbury.

Mr. Ashbury, I think I can get a message to them.

A message? I hope.

A message. Well...

Yeah, if all you can do is get them a message,

get them a message. Get them a message.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Ah-ha! Ah-ha!

You'll hear from me! Good.

Ciao! Ciao!

But Mr. Ashbury... with so much at stake--

Silence.

Reilly.

Nate Ashbury.

Can you see the lobby from your office?

Yeah.

An old chick with a bilious green coat is on her way down.

Oh, and, Reilly?

Check the whereabouts of some cat called Fred Miller.

Works for some freak outfit called Underseas Development.

( cool rock song playing )

( song ends )

What's the subject doing, Philo?

Well...

looks to me like she--

Now wait, wait, wait. We don't want appearances, Philo.

We just want the facts. Yes, sir.

She's throwing something into the water.

Reilly to Ashbury.

Subject is now throwing something into the water.

Hello down there!

( "Hello Down There" instrumental playing lethargically )

(squeaks)

Hello down there!

(squeaking)

Hello there. Where's Tommie?

Why didn't you bring Tommie with you?

Could you take him a message?

I believe you could.

I believe you could.

Hey.

What, what?

This is amazing.

She's talking to a fish.

The subject is now talking to a fish.

A fish?

Let me see that.

Now, listen. No fooling around.

(laughs)

Bless your heart. Now listen to what I say.

Take it right down to Tommie. His whole career's at stake.

Are you gonna do it? Good boy.

It is a fish.

You take this right to Tommie, in The Green Onion.

Come on. Come on.

Ciao. Come on.

(laughs)

(wind howling)

A hurricane coming. That's all I needed.

How could you do this to me, Briggs?

I'm only reporting the storm, T.R. I didn't initiate it.

Excuses, excuses. That's all I hear.

Well, I'd better check on Cheever.

T.R. to HOD. T.R. to HOD.

Come in, Cheever.

Come in, Cheever!

Come in, Cheever!

(motor running, water pattering)

No answer. Better try Miller.

T.R. to Miller.

(over speakers): T.R. to Miller.

Go ahead, T.R.

You're over near Jawbone Reef, aren't you, Miller?

Yes. Why?

Well, uh, Cheever's been doing some underseas dredging for me,

and I can't seem to rouse him on the radio.

.I wonder if you could swim over there and, uh--

Why didn't I know about this dredge?

Well, because you've been .spending so much time on that silly house of yours.

.While you've been bankrupting the company,

.Cheever's been dredging up tons of gold.

That isn't all he's been doing.

Well, never mind that. Just check on him.

And when you get back, I want you to prepare your family to evacuate.

Evacuate? Why?

.Why? There's a hurricane coming, that's why.

Yeah, I know that.

I made some underwater tests this morning.

I was just about to go out to make some more. So what?

Nothing to worry about, honey. So what?

That hurricane will tear your house down.

I want your family up here where it's safe.

Fred.

Hold on just a minute, T. R.

Honey, there's nothing to worry about.

There's no danger down here. Believe me.

Fred, I'm terrified.

I mean, a hurricane down here. (laughs)

Nothing, dear. I'm scared.

Okay, honey. I'll get you out of here.

All right, T.R., you win. We'll evacuate.

Of course I win. Don't I always?

Now after the hurricane, I want that house torn down.

I mean, after all, .you didn't spend 30 days down there, did you?

( chuckles )

Er... No, Mr. Hollister.

We haven't stayed 30 days...

yet.

But we're going to.

.Mrs. Miller? Vivian?

.Don't you understand there's a hurricane?

So?

Who's afraid?

I mean, if my husband says we're safe, then we're safe.

So...goodbye, Mr. Hollister.

(click) Oh, Viv.

Oh. No old hurricane's gonna wreck my husband's career.

Honey, you're trembling.

But I'm bravely trembling.

( "Glub" playing )

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Hey, people, look at that.

Hey, it's Duke.

Hi, boy. Hi--

Hey, he brought something.

(Duke squeaking) TOMMIE: Thank you.

MARVIN: Hey, what do you got?

Let's see. Open it up. Look, it's a note.

A note? Yeah.

It's from Myrtle Ruth. Shh.

LORRIE: Where you going, Daddy?

I gotta see a man about a wrench.

Oh.

(whispers): What are we gonna do?

The Merv Griffin Show-- Shh.

(whispers): Groovy.

The chance of a lifetime and we're... Shh.

(whispers): ...stuck down here.

Bye, Daddy.

Do you suppose Myrtle Ruth told Mr. Ashbury where we are?

She'd never tell.

(crying): I'll never tell.

I'll never tell!

Never ain't forever, baby.

Okay, Reilly, show them in.

Mrs. Webster! Mr. Webster!

Myrtle Ruth, if you don't tell us where Harold and Marvin are,

we're going to the police.

Oh, Mr. Ashbury,

that's dirty pool.

That's show biz.

( taut, menacing theme playing )

(beeping)

( wind howling )

Hey, listen, chickie.

We can be back in, like, two hours.

But how do we know Mr. Griffin

will let us tape our part of the show?

Well, we can ask him, can't we? Shhh.

Oh, Mom won't hear us. She's in the bedroom.

Besides, I don't know if you can operate the submarine, Harold.

He's a real good motorcycle driver.

Right.

And like, what's the difference, except it has no wheels?

And this sub is even smaller than the one that Dad drove.

Which means it's easier.

All right.

I'll leave a note for Mom and Dad.

(beeping)

(grunts)

(wind howling)

(weary, noble theme playing)

( dreamy, peaceful rock song playing )

(bangs)

So far, so good, Harold.

This is the berries.

This is a-- Look out, Harold.

TOMMIE: Harold! Harold! LORRIE: What are you doing?!

Relax, relax.

What happened, Harold?

Watch out, watch out. Here we go again.

LORRIE: Everybody hold on!

Stop the shouting! Straighten it out, Harold!

I'm straightening!

( thrilling adventure theme playing )

(speaks indistinctly)

LORRIE: Look out for the reef! Look out!

Stop the shouting! You're gonna use up all the air!

Watch where you're going. I'm watching.

Harold, I think we better go up. I think we'll be safer there.

All right. Okay. Okay! Yeah.

I am completely surrounded by nincompoops!

You are the biggest nincompoop of all.

People bring me their troubles.

I am not responsible!

Oh? Well, I warn you, Mr. Hollister,

we are going to sue you for $100,000

for each hair harmed on my boys' heads.

And if there is one thing those teenyboppers

are loaded with, dad, it is hair.

This must be Fred Miller's fault.

Now I had no idea he took your kids down there.

Oh, come on now, Little Orphan Annie. Stop passing the buck.

We are laying this on you.

Uh, Briggs, do something!

Uh, Mrs. Webster,

I promise you we'll have your boys out of there,

and home safe and sound by dinnertime.

Well, can you get the sub down there in weather like this?

Yes, sir. Directly from the submarine pen, sir.

Well, arrange it! Do I have to do everything?!

Yes, sir. I mean, no, sir.

See what I mean? A complete nincompoop.

(chuckles) Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.

Now, you see... the worst half is over.

You mean there's a-- Another half?

Stentorian Records is suing you for $5 million.

Five million dollars? Mm-hmm.

Oh, uh...

plus the court costs. U-unless...

Unless-- Unless what?

Unless, uh, like, uh...

(gently): well, all of us can, uh...

make this scene together.

Oh, I...

I-I don't know what that means, but...

let's...do it.

Crazy, booby. What?

Get me Merv Griffin, sweetie.

( tense, menacing theme playing )

Harold!

TOMMIE: Yeah, let me see where we are.

MARVIN: Hold it steady, Harold. I'm trying.

(screaming)

Close it!

Take us back down! Okay, okay!

( bittersweet theme playing )

Tommie, see if there are any towels in the back.

Yeah, give me one too. All right.

Get wet, Harold?

Harold...we're heading for the bottom.

LORRIE: Do something. Pull it.

HAROLD: It's not working.

Harold, pull up. Pull the lever.

(machinery whirring awkwardly)

HAROLD: I don't know what's happening.

Just do-- There's nothing here.

Look out!

( adventure theme playing )

Harold.

Harold, look out for those reefs!

I can't--

( adventure theme fades out )

(rumbling intensifying)

We're on the bottom.

We've been zonked, friends.

Hello.

Hello.

(barks)

(murmurs indistinctly)

You're gonna be all right.

(groans)

Just a second now. Hold on.

Just a second, Mel. Okay.

Put your arm around me. Can you make it? I'm fine.

All right, here we go now. Easy does it.

VIV: Can anybody hear me? Hello. Somebody.

Somebody help me!

You're gonna be all right.

Can anybody hear me?

Can anybody hear me?

Honey, what's the matter? Help--

(panting): Oh, Fred, look.

I don't know... how to do that.

My God.

Oh, my God. These kids can't operate the submarine.

They'll be killed. Honey--

Well, the main thing is don't lose our heads.

No.

Calling the Coast Guard. Calling the Coast Guard.

Mayday. Mayday.

( dreamy, graceful theme playing )

Hey.

LORRIE: It's Duke and Duchess.

Go get Daddy.

Go get Daddy.

Lorrie, they can't hear you.

And even if they could, they wouldn't understand.

(squeaking)

They understand we're in trouble.

(squeaking)

(squeaking)

( warm, pleasant theme playing )

So they didn't understand, huh?

They understood. you. You mean--

They're gonna get us out of here. Go get father!

(moans)

(barking)

(smooch)

(smooch)

(smooch)

(barks)

Mayday.

Mayday.

It's no use.

Reception is impossible in this hurricane.

What are we gonna do?

Fred, what are you gonna do?

I'm gonna hunt for the kids.

(squeaks)

FRED: I think they found them.

Oh, do you really think so?

I hope so.

My flippers.

Darling, be careful. Mm-hmm.

Keep your fingers crossed, honey.

I will.

( "Hello Down There" instrumental playing ominously )

(drumming)

(both humming)

Hey, little goldfish Where you goin' to? *

Little goldfish Let me swim along with you *

Pretty goldfish *

We could have A whale of a time *

( bold march theme plays )

(pinging melodically)

Captain. Yes, admiral?

You will dispatch the second destroyer squadron immediately.

Aye, aye, sir.

(humming)

Hey, little goldfish Where you goin' to? *

Little goldfish Let me swim along with you *

Pretty goldfish *

We could have A whale of a time *

Mmm-mmm-mm *

Put your fin in mine *

(humming)

Hey!

Hey, look, it's Daddy.

We're saved! Yay!

Mr. Miller! Oh, Daddy, we're saved!

Sir. The signal just cut off, sir. Dead.

Thank you. CREWMAN: Sir.

The destroyer squadron reports that the signal just cut off.

Dead?

Dead.

Dead.

Gentlemen...

this is not to go beyond this room.

But I must inform you that our side does not possess

anti-sonar jamming gear

that would function in this manner.

Captain. Yes, admiral?

Get me the Pentagon.

Aye, aye, sir.

We're fine. Okay, okay.

TOMMIE: She's all right. LORRIE: Where did he go?

Where is he?

Where'd he go? I don't know. I can't see anything.

What's he doing? I don't know.

( merry, celebratory theme playing )

Oh, I can't wait to get home.

I'm not looking forward to explaining.

Well, I hope Mommy's not mad. I left a note.

I'll never get in another submarine as long as I live.

It doesn't matter. We're alive.

Hey, here we come. Here we come.

Oh, too late to worry about it now.

What? What? Yeah, we can.

(all talking at once)

Oh, Daddy wants us to-- Mouth it.

Daddy wants us to go up but...

LORRIE: What do we do? HAROLD: The lever.

Turn the lever? Pull something.

No. No, don't turn it. How about this?

Down.

Down. MARVIN: Yeah, yeah, yeah.

( "Hello Down There" instrumental plays slowly )

Fred! Oh!

Fred.

Oh... thank heavens.

Darling, here, give me that.

Mel, could you help me, please?

Yeah. Here we go.

Hon, don't step-- Put your foot there. Here.

Now take my hand. Come on. Take my hand.

All right, here we go. Oh, my darling. Are you all right?

Oh. What happened? Why?

What were you doing?

Marvin, why do you three--?

I can't believe that you even-- TOMMIE: We couldn't get up.

Why would you do something like that?

LORRIE: Daddy. Daddy, it's not his fault.

It seemed like ten years to me.

TOMMIE: I mean, it looks easy.

(all chattering at once)

MEL: Fred.

Fred. Fred. Fred?

I want to thank you for saving me.

I mean, some guys would've just left me there.

I have enough to be thankful for, Cheever,

without worrying about you being thankful.

Can I talk to you for a minute, Mr. Miller?

(all clamoring)

HAROLD: Mr. Miller. Not now, Harold.

Mr. Miller, it's very important.

What is it, Harold? The sub is sinking.

( slow, silly theme playing )

It's sunk.

Oh, I know you're upset about missing The Merv Griffin Show...

but, well, at least your song will be published.

I don't think so, Mommy.

I have a terrible feeling Mr. Ashbury will never speak to us again.

Ohhh...

(air hissing)

Well, ahoy!

Mr. Ashbury. Look who's here. Mr. Ashbury.

...get out of here. TOMMIE: Hey, how are you?

LORRIE: Mr. Ashbury. What happened?

What are you doing here?

TOMMIE: What are you doing here? How did you find us?

Now we'd have more room down there if that fellow would get a haircut, I think.

T.R.

I tell you, heads will roll.

HOLLISTER: This is the last time I go tourist.

How dare you shanghai those Webster kids.

Don't you realize I am being sued?

I didn't shanghai them. They came voluntarily.

And furthermore, let me tell you,

you ignored my orders to abandon this oversize fishing boat.

I find your conduct irresponsible and culpable,

Gassy. and--

And gassy. Gassy. Gassy. That's it.

Mrs. Miller. Myrtle Ruth.

It's so good to see you.

How is the book coming along?

Oh, I'm writing a story about an underwater wife. Naturally.

Oh, I'm proud of you.

Did you like the song? Were you really excited?

Now, now, now. Cool it. Cool it.

Oh-ho-ho, this pad is out of sight.

Yeah, I will buy it.

But I'm tearing this house down.

I just bought it.

You-- Fill in the amount, I will sign it later.

A new discotheque, underwater yet. You know, Mr. Miller,

you are almost as gassy a genius as I am.

Now, tell me, can you throw together a few more of these pads?

Say, in London, Paris, Rome, Stockholm?

Well, hold it. I haven't signed the bill of sale yet.

Okay, fellas. Over here, gang.

You can't come in here. Right over here.

Yow! Yeah, okay, kids.

Now we are going to tape your Merv Griffin gig right here.

Right here? Right here?

Now you know that is not the place for--

Who gave you permission to put my pad on national television?

NATE: Ohhh... now it is his pad.

Think of the publicity, Mr. Hollister.

Yes, while the hurricane raged above,

your Underseas house survived, undamaged.

By George, I'm a genius. Yes, sir, I'm a--

Cheever!

Oh, heh...

Hi, Mr. Hollister.

Cheever...

...where is my gold?

Your gold? Yes.

But, uh...

(dings)

Is that all of it?

Well...

except for my fillings, sir. (stammering)

MAN: Hey, could somebody help me out of this thing?

LORRIE: Hey, it's Merv Griffin!

In person, yet.

Merv, baby, where have you been?

Well, I had to get some makeup for the filming.

Come on, follow me. I want you to meet your host.

Uh, Mr. Griffith, I want to talk to you about a few things--

No autographs, daddio. Unhand the threads.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

I'm T.R. Hollister. I want to make sure that

you plug my underwater house on your television show.

What are you, some kind of freak?

Or an establishment cop-out trying to get us uptight?

What's this communist trying to say?

Well, it's just-- He just can't figure out whether you're crazy,

or if you're just a dull bore trying to give us a hard time.

Wait, I'm not a dull bore, Mr. Griffith. Fin.

What? Fin.

Fin, what does that mean? Huh?

Look. T.R., I am here to plug this marvelous group.

I am not here to dispense free plugs

for this fishy underwater pad of yours.

Fishy underwater pad! I'll have you know--

Oh, T.R., I'm putting you on.

Of course I'll give you a free plug for your house.

Oh, this boy is all heart. Yes, sir.

You're my favorite television star, Johnny.

Watch you every Sunday night. Love those drill teams.

I want you to meet the combo. This is The Green Onion.

Oh, yeah. Hi. How are you? Good to see you.

Everyone else back behind the camera.

That goes for you too. Wait a minute.

All right. I was investigating.

Here's the mike.

Yeah. Okay.

Oh, uh...

roll them.

Action.

Ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to present to you

a very special segment of our show from a very special place.

I'm in a house somewhere in the Atlantic Ocean, under 90 feet of water,

speaking to you from the very eye of Hurricane Hazel.

So now, you music lovers, fasten your seat belts.

For the first time anywhere, anyplace,

a brand-new rock group called The Green Onion.

And their manager, Nate Ashbury, tells me that he is stoned on these shouters.

That they're, uh, mellow yellow, turned on and groovy.

And the lead chick is so wigged out, she's out of sight.

Not only that, I hear they're very good.

So here they are, folks, The Green Onion and their latest creation, "Glub."

(playing "Glub")

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Glub *

(squeaking) Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

You know you give me So much devotion *

That it keeps on comin' Like the waves on an ocean *

Say it, glub *

Love bubble *

Lovin' you so Ain't no trouble *

Glub *

Love bubble *

Lovin' you so Ain't no trouble *

You keep on givin' me True affection *

And sendin' thoughts of love In my direction *

Say it, glub *

Glub, glub * Mmm-mmm-mm *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

And I'm happy out here *

Driftin' on a sea of kisses Yeah *

(squeaking)

I could live forever *

On a life of lovin' Like the fishes *

That's what I say *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

( bold march theme plays )

(pinging melodically) Yes, sir. Admiral?

The Pentagon, sir.

Mr. Secretary?

Oh, Mr. President.

Admiral Sheridan here, sir.

Yes, sir, we've just declared a yellow alert.

Sir, the entire fleet is steaming onto station.

Glub, glub * Mmm-mmm-mm *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

And I'm happy out here *

Driftin' on a sea of kisses Yeah *

I could live forever *

On a life of loving Like the fishes *

That's what I say *

Glub * (barking)

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Mmm-mmm-mm *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

You know you give me So much devotion *

That it keeps on comin' Like the waves on an ocean *

Say it, glub *

Glub, glub *

Mmm-mmm-mm *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

And I'm happy out here *

Driftin' on a sea of kisses Yeah *

I could live forever *

On a life of lovin' Like the fishes *

That's what I say *

Glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

G-g-g-g-g-g-glub *

Glub, glub *

I'm floatin' on a sea of love *

Oh-ho-ho-ho *

( bold march theme playing )

(alarms blaring)

(plane takes off)

( sweet, dreamy theme playing )

( bold march theme playing )

( dreamy theme and bold march playing simultaneously )

( Jeff Barry's "Hello Down There" playing )

JEFF BARRY: Doo-boo-doo da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo dah dah Dah dah *

Whoa, hello down there *

Hello, everybody It's me up here *

Fly up so high in the sky I might tell you why *

I'm in love *

Oh, hello down there *

There's just a cloud below me But I don't care *

I am free as a bird Have you heard the word? *

Seems absurd But I'm in love *

So hello down there *

To say she's incredible *

.Is understating The case, my friends *

You would say She is edible *

If you just saw her face, My friends *

Doo-boo doo-bop-bop-bop Bee-doo *

Da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo da da dah *

Doo-boo-doo dah dah Dah dah *

Whoa, hello down there *

( song ends )