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1
00:01:46,000 --> 00:01:47,663
Hello?
2
00:01:49,572 --> 00:01:52,134
No. You got
the wrong number.
3
00:01:52,210 --> 00:01:54,200
Yeah, but ain't no
Thelma here, man.
4
00:03:00,756 --> 00:03:02,746
Jesus!
5
00:03:05,026 --> 00:03:07,517
I'm comin'!
6
00:03:15,272 --> 00:03:19,903
What? Man, there ain't no Thelma here!
7
00:04:08,800 --> 00:04:10,792
God.
8
00:05:03,796 --> 00:05:06,494
What?
9
00:05:06,567 --> 00:05:10,024
Ain't no fuckin' Thelma
here, man!
10
00:05:10,103 --> 00:05:13,437
Look, the bitch don't
live here! Fuck you too!
11
00:05:13,508 --> 00:05:16,706
Shit! Fuck!
12
00:05:27,792 --> 00:05:30,852
Hello. I'm Dr. Warren
G. Easterbrook,
13
00:05:30,928 --> 00:05:33,657
Chairman of the President's
Commission on Education,
14
00:05:33,730 --> 00:05:36,634
and I would like to talk to you
about an ever-growing problem...
15
00:05:36,702 --> 00:05:39,397
the short attention span
of today's youth.
16
00:05:39,471 --> 00:05:42,497
Weaned as they are on television,
young people today...
17
00:05:42,574 --> 00:05:44,635
can't seem to pay attention
for more than a few mo...
18
00:05:47,081 --> 00:05:50,711
Pethouse Video presents
an in-depth...
19
00:05:50,785 --> 00:05:53,412
up close and personal look...
20
00:05:53,488 --> 00:05:57,787
at Pethouse Plaything
Taryn Steele.
21
00:05:57,859 --> 00:06:01,488
Oh, so many neat things have
happened to me in my life...
22
00:06:01,563 --> 00:06:05,432
being named homecoming queen,
making the cheerleading squad.
23
00:06:05,501 --> 00:06:08,801
But the neatest thing ever was
when I was recently chosen...
24
00:06:08,872 --> 00:06:10,965
the Pethouse Plaything
of the Month.
25
00:06:12,409 --> 00:06:14,606
But being a Plaything
hasn't changed me.
26
00:06:14,680 --> 00:06:16,910
I'm still the same Taryn.
27
00:06:19,151 --> 00:06:23,383
When I was first chosen,
I was, like, really immature.
28
00:06:23,455 --> 00:06:26,083
But I've grown so much
since then.
29
00:06:26,158 --> 00:06:28,149
I can hardly believe it's me.
30
00:06:29,261 --> 00:06:32,926
I'm a beach person
and a night person.
31
00:06:33,000 --> 00:06:36,629
I really feel sorry for anyone
who doesn't live in California,
32
00:06:36,704 --> 00:06:39,901
'cause we've got it all...
the mountains, the sun.
33
00:06:39,974 --> 00:06:42,774
And, like, there's no humidity.
34
00:06:42,845 --> 00:06:45,279
It really blows me away.
35
00:06:45,348 --> 00:06:49,716
Here, out of the public eye,
I can just fade into the crowd.
36
00:06:49,784 --> 00:06:53,745
In New York, I get hassled all
the time. I don't understand it.
37
00:06:53,824 --> 00:06:57,988
Laguna offers me
peace and solitude...
38
00:06:58,061 --> 00:07:01,054
away from the pressure
ofbeing a Plaything.
39
00:07:01,132 --> 00:07:05,069
Here in Laguna,
I can just let my mind go blank.
40
00:07:08,707 --> 00:07:10,698
Art is my life.
41
00:07:15,347 --> 00:07:18,375
I love to browse
Laguna's art galleries,
42
00:07:18,452 --> 00:07:20,944
and my dream is to one day...
43
00:07:21,023 --> 00:07:24,652
have some of my things
hanging here.
44
00:07:24,726 --> 00:07:28,719
But my real strength
comes from my family...
45
00:07:28,797 --> 00:07:32,165
and my strong
religious upbringing.
46
00:07:32,235 --> 00:07:36,831
I'll always be grateful to my mom and
dad and the values they've given me,
47
00:07:36,906 --> 00:07:41,971
which help me take on
the awesome responsibilities...
48
00:07:42,047 --> 00:07:44,242
of Plaything of the Month.
49
00:08:00,802 --> 00:08:04,033
Selma, look at this reception.
50
00:08:07,008 --> 00:08:10,309
Beaver, did you bring home
a note from your teacher today?
51
00:08:10,380 --> 00:08:12,940
Oh, no, Dad. That's one of your
jokes I haven't heard before.
52
00:08:13,016 --> 00:08:16,746
Record warm temperatures
tomorrow. Unbelievable!
53
00:08:16,819 --> 00:08:18,879
Best investment
I ever made.
54
00:08:25,729 --> 00:08:29,963
You haven't been out
of this house in two weeks.
55
00:08:30,035 --> 00:08:32,731
Lows will warm up
just a bit.
56
00:08:32,804 --> 00:08:35,329
What the hell has happened
to my remote?
57
00:08:37,576 --> 00:08:40,239
Sunny skies
for the remainder of the day.
58
00:08:40,313 --> 00:08:42,282
Murray?
59
00:08:42,349 --> 00:08:45,216
Embedded in those clouds.
And here in the southern...
60
00:08:45,285 --> 00:08:47,276
Excuse me, sir.
We're on the air.
61
00:08:47,353 --> 00:08:49,915
Selma!
Get me out of here!
62
00:08:49,991 --> 00:08:51,982
I must've pressed
the wrong button.
63
00:08:52,060 --> 00:08:56,497
Murray, what are you
doing on the weather?
64
00:08:56,564 --> 00:09:01,593
I don't know. Press
something. Bring me back!
65
00:09:01,671 --> 00:09:04,105
Here!
66
00:09:04,173 --> 00:09:08,305
Swung on, and it's a high
fly ball to center field.
67
00:09:08,379 --> 00:09:12,578
Wait a minute!
There's a fan on the field!
68
00:09:12,651 --> 00:09:15,211
� Make me wanna stay
If this is it �
69
00:09:15,286 --> 00:09:19,724
� Doo wah � Now I'm trapped in
a rock video! Anything but this!
70
00:09:19,792 --> 00:09:24,127
� If this ain't love
you better let me go �
71
00:09:24,197 --> 00:09:26,188
- � If this is it �
- � Doo wah �
72
00:09:27,334 --> 00:09:30,133
Selma! Help me!
73
00:09:30,204 --> 00:09:32,604
� If this ain't love, baby �
Wait. Wait.
74
00:09:32,673 --> 00:09:36,201
Selma! I'm looking for the booklet.
75
00:09:39,748 --> 00:09:44,584
Oh, no. I'm in black and white.
76
00:09:44,654 --> 00:09:47,055
Where am I?
77
00:10:06,413 --> 00:10:10,349
This is what you get for
throwing out the directions.
78
00:10:10,417 --> 00:10:14,183
Help! Help me!
79
00:10:16,191 --> 00:10:19,126
Here you can leave me
for the night.
80
00:10:21,629 --> 00:10:24,121
You should be so lucky.
81
00:10:31,441 --> 00:10:36,243
Where am I?
82
00:10:36,313 --> 00:10:38,407
You're on
the Disney Channel.
83
00:10:38,483 --> 00:10:42,010
At least I know you won't
catch anything there.
84
00:10:42,087 --> 00:10:46,753
Fun is fun, Selma, but I
want to come home. I'm trying.
85
00:10:46,827 --> 00:10:50,785
500 million people
are watching via satellite...
86
00:10:50,863 --> 00:10:55,426
as the president and first lady
deplane for this historic Moscow visit.
87
00:10:55,502 --> 00:10:58,404
They look fit and rested.
Wait a minute.
88
00:10:58,473 --> 00:11:01,704
An unidentified man
has emerged from Air Force One.
89
00:11:01,776 --> 00:11:05,645
He seems, believe it or not, to
be clad only in his underwear.
90
00:11:05,714 --> 00:11:08,547
The Secret Service have grabbed
him. Where am I? I'm innocent!
91
00:11:08,617 --> 00:11:11,950
But who is he and how did he get on
board? I was only watching television!
92
00:11:12,021 --> 00:11:14,582
He appears to be deranged.
Help! Selma!
93
00:11:18,129 --> 00:11:20,120
I'm so proud of you, Brenda,
94
00:11:20,198 --> 00:11:22,860
getting through the delivery
without any anesthetic.
95
00:11:22,934 --> 00:11:25,870
Well, I had the best
Lamaze coach in the world.
96
00:11:25,938 --> 00:11:29,465
When do we get to see the baby?
It's been eight hours.
97
00:11:29,541 --> 00:11:32,340
Well, you remember the film
they showed us in class.
98
00:11:32,412 --> 00:11:36,042
There's all kinds of tests they
have to perform on a newborn child.
99
00:11:36,116 --> 00:11:38,550
So...
That's true.
100
00:11:38,619 --> 00:11:40,918
Ah!
There's my favorite couple.
101
00:11:40,989 --> 00:11:43,719
- Mr. And Mrs. Flanders.
- That's Landers.
102
00:11:43,792 --> 00:11:46,955
Right, right. Flanders
is uremic poisoning on 39.
103
00:11:47,964 --> 00:11:49,954
- So.
- Um...
104
00:11:50,031 --> 00:11:52,900
Nice stitch work,
if I say so myself.
105
00:11:52,970 --> 00:11:56,371
Doctor, we'd like to see our son. The
nurses keep giving us the runaround.
106
00:11:56,440 --> 00:11:58,806
I'd like nothing better than
to bring you both your son,
107
00:11:58,876 --> 00:12:00,867
but have you looked around
this hospital?
108
00:12:00,944 --> 00:12:02,936
There are sick people here.
109
00:12:03,014 --> 00:12:06,815
I just saw this old guy in the hallway
with these gnarly scabs all over his body.
110
00:12:06,886 --> 00:12:09,081
Gross me out!
111
00:12:09,154 --> 00:12:12,647
- I'm not about to expose your little Jeffrey...
- Nicholas.
112
00:12:12,726 --> 00:12:14,751
To that.
113
00:12:14,828 --> 00:12:17,853
I've got a solemn oath
to uphold here. Doctor,
114
00:12:17,930 --> 00:12:20,559
Brenda and I are both
Lamaze graduates,
115
00:12:20,634 --> 00:12:25,538
and we've never heard of
quarantining a healthy infant before.
116
00:12:25,606 --> 00:12:28,007
Ooh, Lamaze.
117
00:12:28,076 --> 00:12:32,012
Well, I forgot that you spent three
whole weekends sitting on a floor...
118
00:12:32,080 --> 00:12:33,911
learning how to breathe.
119
00:12:33,982 --> 00:12:36,884
I had to get by on a degree
from Harvard Medical School!
120
00:12:36,953 --> 00:12:41,686
Please, it's important to us to see
our child. You've heard of bonding.
121
00:12:41,758 --> 00:12:44,057
Uh...
Doctor.
122
00:12:44,128 --> 00:12:47,393
We'd like to spend a little
quality time with our son, please.
123
00:12:47,464 --> 00:12:51,299
A little quality time with your
son? That would be beautiful.
124
00:12:51,369 --> 00:12:55,465
You people.
125
00:12:55,540 --> 00:12:58,875
What's with that guy?
Mrs. Fernandez, front desk.
126
00:12:58,946 --> 00:13:02,643
He's supposed to be
the top man in his field.
127
00:13:02,716 --> 00:13:05,480
Well, when he brings in
little Jeffrey, we're going...
128
00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:07,816
Nicholas!
Here we go.
129
00:13:07,888 --> 00:13:10,255
- Here's the little tyke.
130
00:13:10,325 --> 00:13:12,954
Okay, that's enough
germs. Wait! Wait a minute.
131
00:13:13,029 --> 00:13:16,555
We haven't even seen him yet. Go ahead,
breathe all over him. I don't care.
132
00:13:20,704 --> 00:13:22,969
What is this, some kind
of sick practical joke?
133
00:13:23,040 --> 00:13:25,099
What are you talking about?
He's got your eyes.
134
00:13:25,176 --> 00:13:27,167
Take that hideous thing away.
135
00:13:27,244 --> 00:13:30,442
Come on. They all
look like this at first.
136
00:13:30,515 --> 00:13:36,351
You see, when the baby passes through the
birth canal, its head gets a little pointy.
137
00:13:36,421 --> 00:13:38,787
He should round out in
a couple days. Promise.
138
00:13:38,858 --> 00:13:42,294
That's not a baby.
That's a Mr. Potato Head.
139
00:13:42,362 --> 00:13:44,092
Harry, call
the hospital administrator.
140
00:13:44,164 --> 00:13:48,122
Hey! You're right.
This is a Mr. Potato Head.
141
00:13:49,603 --> 00:13:51,594
Gosh, they're so lifelike.
142
00:13:51,672 --> 00:13:54,267
Anybody could've made
this mistake.
143
00:13:54,342 --> 00:13:57,640
I'll be right back
with the real Nicholas.
144
00:13:57,711 --> 00:14:01,706
Harry, what are they doing to
us? Calm down, Brenda. Calm down.
145
00:14:01,784 --> 00:14:04,446
We don't want you to get
postpartum anxiety.
146
00:14:04,520 --> 00:14:08,982
Now, as soon as we get our son,
I'm going to report this quack.
147
00:14:09,060 --> 00:14:11,493
Thank God you took that
assertiveness training course.
148
00:14:13,797 --> 00:14:16,164
Here's the little tyke.
149
00:14:16,234 --> 00:14:19,398
You've been a naughty
little baby. Yes, you have.
150
00:14:19,471 --> 00:14:23,909
Playing peekaboo with Mommy and
Daddy. About time. Nick, it's your dad.
151
00:14:26,479 --> 00:14:29,676
He's got a strong, determined jaw
just like his old man there.
152
00:14:34,121 --> 00:14:37,317
- Great. Now you made him cry.
- I don't believe this.
153
00:14:45,301 --> 00:14:48,362
Is this okay? Would you
rather breast-feed him?
154
00:14:48,439 --> 00:14:51,067
Get away from me!
I'm gonna kill you!
155
00:14:51,141 --> 00:14:53,608
What kind of hospital is this?
156
00:14:53,676 --> 00:14:57,046
All right,
Mr. And Mrs. Lamaze!
157
00:14:57,116 --> 00:15:01,017
You see, due to a slight clerical error,
your son has been temporarily misplaced.
158
00:15:01,086 --> 00:15:04,887
- You lost our son?
- Did I say lost? I said misplaced!
159
00:15:04,957 --> 00:15:09,759
I'm suing you for... for malpractice,
negligence... you name it!
160
00:15:09,830 --> 00:15:14,563
Just jump all over me! What about
the nine kids I didn't lose this week?
161
00:15:14,634 --> 00:15:17,627
My baby! What have they
done with my baby?
162
00:15:17,705 --> 00:15:21,732
It was your fault. If you hadn't distracted me
with that video equipment in the delivery room,
163
00:15:21,809 --> 00:15:24,471
I might not have misplaced
your little brat!
164
00:15:24,545 --> 00:15:27,413
- Doctor. We found him.
- See?
165
00:15:27,483 --> 00:15:32,011
He was down the hall in
the laundry hamper. Oh!
166
00:15:32,087 --> 00:15:34,079
Oh, he's beautiful.
167
00:15:34,157 --> 00:15:37,525
I hope you're both
ashamed of yourselves.
168
00:15:37,595 --> 00:15:41,759
All this hysteria when he was safe
and sound not 20 feet from this room.
169
00:15:41,833 --> 00:15:46,429
Doctor, you're due in surgery
for that kidney transplant.
170
00:15:46,506 --> 00:15:48,497
Where's the donor organ?
171
00:15:48,574 --> 00:15:50,565
The donor organ?
172
00:15:52,311 --> 00:15:54,472
God, I had it with me when I
left the house this morning.
173
00:15:57,785 --> 00:16:01,846
Good morning and welcome
to Movies Till Sunrise.
174
00:16:01,922 --> 00:16:06,554
Our feature presentation is the
1954 science fiction classic,
175
00:16:06,629 --> 00:16:08,893
Amazon Women on the Moon,
176
00:16:08,964 --> 00:16:12,365
starring Laird Granger
and Greta Van Zandt,
177
00:16:12,434 --> 00:16:16,496
complete and uncut, with no
commercial interruptions.
178
00:16:16,573 --> 00:16:18,564
This used to be me.
179
00:16:18,642 --> 00:16:21,475
Old before my years,
ignored by women,
180
00:16:21,545 --> 00:16:23,536
passed over for promotions.
181
00:16:23,613 --> 00:16:26,048
But now all that has changed.
182
00:16:28,320 --> 00:16:31,016
Hi. I'm Sy Swerdlow,
183
00:16:31,089 --> 00:16:34,822
and I invented the patented process
known as "hair looming. "
184
00:16:34,895 --> 00:16:39,854
If you suffer from premature hair loss,
let our team of technicians...
185
00:16:39,933 --> 00:16:44,065
visit you in the privacy
of your home...
186
00:16:44,139 --> 00:16:46,801
so there will be
no embarrassment.
187
00:16:46,875 --> 00:16:49,399
You choose from our selection...
188
00:16:49,476 --> 00:16:52,811
of over 200 colors and styles.
189
00:16:52,882 --> 00:16:56,875
Then your head
will be carpeted...
190
00:16:56,953 --> 00:16:59,821
with 100% pure acrylic fiber,
191
00:16:59,890 --> 00:17:01,880
Completely natural-looking.
192
00:17:03,827 --> 00:17:06,023
You can sleep in it.
193
00:17:06,097 --> 00:17:08,395
You can shower in it.
194
00:17:11,135 --> 00:17:13,569
It changed my life,
195
00:17:15,208 --> 00:17:17,335
and it'll change yours.
196
00:17:17,409 --> 00:17:19,400
Call toll free...
197
00:17:19,478 --> 00:17:23,109
1- 800-GET-HAIR.
198
00:17:57,023 --> 00:18:00,584
Well, men, I've been studying
this map of the lunar surface,
199
00:18:00,660 --> 00:18:03,390
And I've chosen the dark side
as our landing site.
200
00:18:03,462 --> 00:18:08,800
- So, don't forget your space beams.
- Roger, Steve.
201
00:18:11,639 --> 00:18:15,438
Just think, Loony, in less than an
hour, we're gonna be on the moon.
202
00:18:15,510 --> 00:18:19,503
The first thing I'm gonna do is carve
me off a hunk of that green cheese.
203
00:18:19,580 --> 00:18:23,177
Now, Butch, you know one of
the purposes of this mission...
204
00:18:23,253 --> 00:18:25,983
is to dispel
some of those myths.
205
00:18:26,056 --> 00:18:28,616
Steve, I've got the president
on the electro-scan.
206
00:18:32,664 --> 00:18:35,723
Willikers!
207
00:18:35,800 --> 00:18:37,859
Come in,
men of Moon Rocket One.
208
00:18:37,935 --> 00:18:41,805
This is the president of the United
States calling from planet Earth.
209
00:18:43,910 --> 00:18:45,900
We read you, Mr. President.
210
00:18:45,978 --> 00:18:49,177
This is Steve Nelson,
commander, Moon Rocket One.
211
00:18:49,249 --> 00:18:53,777
Commander Nelson, this is a
proud day for all Americans,
212
00:18:53,854 --> 00:18:57,291
and this year of 1980 will
be remembered as the year...
213
00:18:57,359 --> 00:19:00,157
an American
first set foot on the moon.
214
00:19:00,228 --> 00:19:03,630
The governors
of all 48 states join me...
215
00:19:03,699 --> 00:19:05,894
in wishing Godspeed
to you...
216
00:19:05,968 --> 00:19:08,334
and your handpicked team
of scientists.
217
00:19:08,404 --> 00:19:10,465
That's us, Loony.
218
00:19:10,541 --> 00:19:13,668
Thank you, Mr. President. We're
proud to serve our country.
219
00:19:13,744 --> 00:19:15,735
Over and out.
220
00:19:17,248 --> 00:19:21,117
Blackie, neutralize
the electro-scan.
221
00:19:21,186 --> 00:19:23,915
Electro-scan
neutralized, sir.
222
00:19:23,988 --> 00:19:26,515
There she is,
dead ahead!
223
00:19:34,402 --> 00:19:37,370
It's awesome, isn't it?
224
00:19:37,437 --> 00:19:40,066
I've got big plans
for that piece of real estate.
225
00:19:40,141 --> 00:19:42,303
I'm going to sell
advertising space on that.
226
00:19:42,377 --> 00:19:45,710
Just picture this... the
world's biggest billboard.
227
00:19:45,781 --> 00:19:47,772
We'll make a bundle.
228
00:19:47,849 --> 00:19:50,411
Hold your horses, Blackie.
229
00:19:50,487 --> 00:19:53,751
This voyage is for
the betterment of mankind.
230
00:19:53,823 --> 00:19:56,485
Let's not any of us
forget that.
231
00:19:56,559 --> 00:19:58,552
Sure, chief.
232
00:20:08,942 --> 00:20:10,932
There goes my lunch.
233
00:20:13,080 --> 00:20:15,445
It's right up there
with my stomach.
234
00:20:15,514 --> 00:20:19,576
Prepare for moon landing.
235
00:20:19,653 --> 00:20:23,488
- Initiate rotation system.
- Rotation initiated.
236
00:20:24,425 --> 00:20:26,416
Reverse retros.
237
00:20:26,494 --> 00:20:28,487
Retros reversed.
238
00:20:35,538 --> 00:20:38,997
Steve, we're losing pressure
in the atom chamber.
239
00:20:39,076 --> 00:20:41,101
If it drops any more,
we're goners.
240
00:20:50,222 --> 00:20:52,248
Quick, Blackie,
switch to the emergency...
241
00:20:54,293 --> 00:20:58,891
� Tie a yellow ribbon
round the old oak tree �
242
00:20:58,967 --> 00:21:01,628
� It's been
three long years �
243
00:21:01,702 --> 00:21:04,330
� Do ya still want me �
244
00:21:04,404 --> 00:21:09,809
� If I don't see a ribbon
round the old oak tree �
245
00:21:09,878 --> 00:21:12,905
� I'll stay on the bus
forget about us �
246
00:21:12,982 --> 00:21:15,075
� Put the blame on me �
247
00:21:15,152 --> 00:21:17,143
Did you know
that every seven minutes,
248
00:21:17,220 --> 00:21:20,781
a black person is born
in this country without soul?
249
00:21:20,857 --> 00:21:23,451
Hello, I'm B.B. King.
250
00:21:23,527 --> 00:21:26,361
Won't you help Don Simmons
and the thousands of others...
251
00:21:26,430 --> 00:21:29,126
that suffer from
this tragic disorder?
252
00:21:29,200 --> 00:21:33,534
Its cruel symptoms can strike
anyone. Let's take a look.
253
00:21:33,604 --> 00:21:38,168
I think the Republican Party has done
one heck of a job. Don't you, June?
254
00:21:38,244 --> 00:21:42,305
I'll say, Ward. We Republicans
have turned this country around.
255
00:21:44,485 --> 00:21:47,386
Safety and good mileage
are the two things...
256
00:21:47,454 --> 00:21:50,287
I looked for
in a new car.
257
00:21:50,357 --> 00:21:53,725
That's why I bought
a Volvo station wagon.
258
00:21:53,795 --> 00:21:58,324
Hi. I'm president of the David
Hartman Fan Club here in Glendale.
259
00:21:58,401 --> 00:22:01,564
I've even met David Hartman
once. What a neat guy.
260
00:22:04,943 --> 00:22:08,139
� Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheree �
261
00:22:08,212 --> 00:22:11,841
� A sweep is as lucky
as lucky can be �
262
00:22:11,916 --> 00:22:15,114
� Chim-chimeny, chim-chimeny
chim-chim cheroo �
263
00:22:15,187 --> 00:22:18,554
� Good luck will rub off
when I shake hands with you �
264
00:22:18,624 --> 00:22:21,889
This is B.B. King saying
won't you please give...
265
00:22:21,961 --> 00:22:24,989
so that Don Simmons here
and so many others...
266
00:22:25,066 --> 00:22:27,431
can become useful members
of society.
267
00:22:27,500 --> 00:22:32,200
� Or blow me a kiss
and that's lucky too �
268
00:22:32,273 --> 00:22:34,469
Write to...
269
00:22:38,413 --> 00:22:40,405
Thank you.
270
00:22:44,787 --> 00:22:46,778
Be right there.
271
00:22:54,231 --> 00:22:56,223
Karen?
Hi.
272
00:22:56,301 --> 00:22:58,292
Hi. I'm Jerry Stone. Hi,
Jerry. Nice meeting you.
273
00:22:58,370 --> 00:23:00,804
I'm sorry. I'm running a little
bit late. Don't worry about it.
274
00:23:00,872 --> 00:23:02,864
You look nice.
Thank you.
275
00:23:04,411 --> 00:23:06,777
This is a great apartment.
Thanks.
276
00:23:15,089 --> 00:23:17,522
Uh, I hope you like sushi.
277
00:23:17,591 --> 00:23:21,085
I made reservations
at Tokyo Rose on Columbus.
278
00:23:21,163 --> 00:23:24,690
Great.
I hear it's terrific.
279
00:23:24,767 --> 00:23:27,259
Normally there's a waiting list,
but I know the maitre d'.
280
00:23:29,005 --> 00:23:31,030
You know,
I gotta tell you,
281
00:23:31,108 --> 00:23:34,009
I never go on blind dates,
but, uh,
282
00:23:34,078 --> 00:23:38,105
I just have a feeling
that this might be special.
283
00:23:39,550 --> 00:23:43,318
Jerry? Before we leave, do
me one small favor, will you?
284
00:23:43,389 --> 00:23:45,380
Sure. What?
285
00:23:45,457 --> 00:23:49,622
Would you mind showing me a credit
card and a valid driver's license?
286
00:23:49,696 --> 00:23:54,134
- You're kidding. Why?
- I'd like to run a "couple compatibility" check.
287
00:23:54,201 --> 00:23:57,830
What the heck is that?
288
00:23:57,905 --> 00:24:00,933
You know, Jerry, it's tough being
a single girl in the big city.
289
00:24:01,010 --> 00:24:03,240
You meet all kinds
of phonies and creeps.
290
00:24:03,312 --> 00:24:06,509
That's why this machine
comes in handy.
291
00:24:06,582 --> 00:24:10,781
I just enter your I.D., and the central
computer will tell me about your background.
292
00:24:10,854 --> 00:24:13,414
I don't want a bank loan.
I just want to take you out.
293
00:24:13,490 --> 00:24:17,551
I know, but I'd feel better
running a check. Two I.D.'s, please.
294
00:24:17,627 --> 00:24:20,598
You're serious.
295
00:24:20,666 --> 00:24:23,759
It'll just
take a minute.
296
00:24:23,835 --> 00:24:26,896
This is ridiculous, but, uh...
297
00:24:28,907 --> 00:24:30,899
Here's, uh...
Three-one-six.
298
00:24:30,977 --> 00:24:33,775
That's a cute picture.
MasterCard.
299
00:24:42,623 --> 00:24:44,649
I don't know how I ever got
along without one of these.
300
00:24:44,726 --> 00:24:46,717
Changed my life.
301
00:24:46,795 --> 00:24:48,787
Feel the same way
about my VCR.
302
00:24:48,865 --> 00:24:51,356
Ooh. Right now I'm taping
Sophie's Choice with Meryl Streep.
303
00:24:51,433 --> 00:24:55,030
- I love Meryl Streep.
- Oh, I am so into her.
304
00:24:56,873 --> 00:25:00,311
Here it comes now.
305
00:25:15,528 --> 00:25:19,261
All that about me? Geez.
They are very thorough.
306
00:25:21,169 --> 00:25:24,900
This is great!
- What? What?
307
00:25:29,510 --> 00:25:32,344
What do you got there?
308
00:25:38,121 --> 00:25:42,354
What's... What's uh-oh?
309
00:25:42,426 --> 00:25:44,416
Jerry,
310
00:25:47,566 --> 00:25:50,694
does the name Debbie Rothenberg
mean anything to you?
311
00:25:50,769 --> 00:25:54,638
Debbie Rothenberg.
312
00:25:54,707 --> 00:25:56,972
Oh, yeah. I think I went
out with her once or twice.
313
00:25:57,044 --> 00:26:00,774
You had sex with her on the second date,
and then you never called her again.
314
00:26:00,847 --> 00:26:04,477
- I hate when guys do that.
- It says all that?
315
00:26:04,551 --> 00:26:07,020
Does the phrase
"You're not only beautiful,
316
00:26:07,088 --> 00:26:10,489
but you're someone I feel I can
open up to" mean anything to you?
317
00:26:12,627 --> 00:26:15,653
I'm not surprised. You've used
that line on your last 16 dates.
318
00:26:15,730 --> 00:26:17,996
Look, this is ridiculous.
319
00:26:18,068 --> 00:26:21,401
Debbie... Uh, Karen,
I think...
320
00:26:21,470 --> 00:26:23,700
that we have something
very special here.
321
00:26:23,772 --> 00:26:27,175
You're not like the other women
you... "You meet in the city. "
322
00:26:27,246 --> 00:26:29,679
See what I mean?
323
00:26:29,747 --> 00:26:31,737
And, Jerry,
324
00:26:33,818 --> 00:26:36,846
I could never get serious about
someone who's selfish in bed.
325
00:26:36,923 --> 00:26:41,758
"Who's selfish in bed"? Well,
how would you describe a man...
326
00:26:41,828 --> 00:26:45,356
who satisfies his own needs and
rolls over and goes to sleep?
327
00:26:45,432 --> 00:26:47,991
- I never did that in my life!
- Eleven times!
328
00:26:48,068 --> 00:26:51,799
You want names and dates? No.
No, I do not! Look, hey, hold it.
329
00:26:51,872 --> 00:26:54,967
Anyway, that is just a small
fraction of the hundreds of times...
330
00:26:55,043 --> 00:26:57,035
I've been intimate
with women.
331
00:26:57,113 --> 00:26:59,478
We're exaggerating a little,
aren't we, Jerry?
332
00:27:01,350 --> 00:27:04,513
The record only shows
21 sexual intimacies.
333
00:27:06,423 --> 00:27:10,860
There you are. This doesn't jibe
with my figures. Okay, sweetie?
334
00:27:10,928 --> 00:27:14,866
Jerry, the statistics don't
paint the picture of a mature man.
335
00:27:14,934 --> 00:27:17,334
Twelve times, you ignored
your date at a party...
336
00:27:17,403 --> 00:27:19,871
to flirt with
a more attractive woman.
337
00:27:19,939 --> 00:27:24,877
169 times, you feigned interest when
a woman was talking about her career.
338
00:27:25,945 --> 00:27:29,314
On 17 occasions,
you lied to women,
339
00:27:29,383 --> 00:27:32,818
telling them you were really into
sushi and Meryl Streep movies.
340
00:27:33,988 --> 00:27:36,048
Make that 18 times.
341
00:27:37,725 --> 00:27:40,593
Where do they
get these figures?
342
00:27:40,662 --> 00:27:42,653
As you can see,
Jerry,
343
00:27:42,731 --> 00:27:45,258
it would be pointless
for you and I to go out.
344
00:27:45,336 --> 00:27:47,326
Oh, yeah?
345
00:27:47,403 --> 00:27:49,962
Well, I'm gonna get one of those
machines and see how well you come off!
346
00:27:50,039 --> 00:27:52,440
Okay?
Good night, Jerry.
347
00:27:52,509 --> 00:27:54,944
It's early yet. Maybe you
can still get lucky in a bar.
348
00:27:58,016 --> 00:28:00,007
Like you did
last Thursday.
349
00:28:02,888 --> 00:28:05,083
Hello, Beverly?
350
00:28:07,394 --> 00:28:10,760
This is Jerry Stone. We met
the other night at Dave's party.
351
00:28:15,969 --> 00:28:18,199
Listen, I know
it's last minute,
352
00:28:18,271 --> 00:28:21,503
but I wanna ask you,
are you free tonight?
353
00:28:23,746 --> 00:28:25,737
You are. Great.
354
00:28:25,814 --> 00:28:30,548
Listen, I can pick you up
in 10 minutes.
355
00:28:30,620 --> 00:28:33,351
Sure, okay.
356
00:28:33,424 --> 00:28:36,654
Oh, Jerry, um...
Yeah?
357
00:28:36,727 --> 00:28:40,219
Could you bring a major credit
card and a valid driver's license?
358
00:28:46,873 --> 00:28:51,435
Extraterrestrials.
Strange phenomena.
359
00:28:51,511 --> 00:28:54,913
Missing persons.
Lost continents.
360
00:28:54,982 --> 00:28:58,348
Myths and monsters.
361
00:28:58,418 --> 00:29:02,254
We examine these mysteries
to determine...
362
00:29:02,323 --> 00:29:05,292
are they bullshit or not?
363
00:29:11,034 --> 00:29:13,025
London's West End.
364
00:29:13,103 --> 00:29:16,664
Here, in the winter of 1888,
365
00:29:16,740 --> 00:29:20,176
a series of bizarre
and violent murders occurred,
366
00:29:20,243 --> 00:29:24,682
which remain unsolved
to this very day.
367
00:29:32,425 --> 00:29:34,757
Jack the Ripper.
368
00:29:34,828 --> 00:29:38,354
Was he a prosperous
London surgeon?
369
00:29:38,430 --> 00:29:41,334
Perhaps a member
of British royalty.
370
00:29:41,403 --> 00:29:45,599
Well, our Bullshit team
has unearthed...
371
00:29:45,672 --> 00:29:48,336
spectacular new evidence
which suggests...
372
00:29:49,911 --> 00:29:52,471
that Jack the Ripper
was, in fact,
373
00:29:53,849 --> 00:29:56,478
the Loch Ness Monster.
374
00:29:56,552 --> 00:29:59,749
Is it possible
that Nessie...
375
00:29:59,822 --> 00:30:04,658
murdered five streetwalkers
before returning to Loch Ness?
376
00:30:04,728 --> 00:30:06,753
Using undiscovered evidence,
377
00:30:06,830 --> 00:30:10,290
we've pieced together the events
leading up to the first murder.
378
00:30:10,369 --> 00:30:12,769
Although this is
a Bullshit reenactment,
379
00:30:12,838 --> 00:30:15,670
it may have happened
just this way.
380
00:30:15,740 --> 00:30:18,940
Hello, dearie. Show you
a good time for a quid.
381
00:30:19,013 --> 00:30:21,105
Throw the wife in for free.
Oh, gents.
382
00:30:21,181 --> 00:30:25,015
Don't you want a girl
to keep you warm tonight?
383
00:30:25,085 --> 00:30:29,716
Me mum told me there would
be nights like this.
384
00:30:29,791 --> 00:30:32,282
Oh, my!
385
00:30:32,360 --> 00:30:36,092
You are a big one,
now, aren't you?
386
00:30:36,165 --> 00:30:38,225
Come on, darlin'.
387
00:30:50,816 --> 00:30:54,479
Mind you, don't you be
steppin' on my feet now.
388
00:30:54,553 --> 00:30:58,456
Ooh!
389
00:30:58,524 --> 00:31:02,085
Aren't you in an hurry!
Now, will you be careful.
390
00:31:02,161 --> 00:31:04,790
Not so rough, da...
Wait a min...
391
00:31:10,370 --> 00:31:12,635
Is this the way
it happened?
392
00:31:12,707 --> 00:31:16,700
Was Jack the Ripper, in fact, a
60-foot sea serpent from Scotland?
393
00:31:18,180 --> 00:31:22,048
Did I take this job
for a quick buck?
394
00:31:22,117 --> 00:31:25,678
We may never know the answers
to these questions. Next week...
395
00:31:26,388 --> 00:31:29,018
Come on.
396
00:31:29,093 --> 00:31:31,856
To recap the three movies
that we reviewed this week...
397
00:31:31,928 --> 00:31:34,089
here on Critics Corner,
398
00:31:34,164 --> 00:31:36,657
Marc and I both gave
a big thumbs up...
399
00:31:36,735 --> 00:31:40,762
to the new Swedish film
directed by, uh, Olaf Svensen.
400
00:31:40,839 --> 00:31:45,368
Olaf Svensen, called
The Winter of my Despondency.
401
00:31:45,445 --> 00:31:49,314
- Haunting abstract symbolism.
- It's arty crap.
402
00:31:49,383 --> 00:31:52,284
Jonathan and I did split,
however...
403
00:31:52,353 --> 00:31:56,188
On the newest teenage romp
called Frat Slobs.
404
00:31:56,258 --> 00:31:58,385
Jonathan, I think,
thought it to be...
405
00:31:58,460 --> 00:32:01,453
a light,
frothy souffl�...
406
00:32:01,529 --> 00:32:04,293
sizzling with youthful
energy. That I did.
407
00:32:04,366 --> 00:32:08,031
On the other hand, I
thought it was pond scum.
408
00:32:08,105 --> 00:32:10,938
You're an albino.
What the hell do you know?
409
00:32:11,008 --> 00:32:12,999
We have a new feature we'd like
to introduce on Critics Corner...
410
00:32:13,076 --> 00:32:16,774
we hope you'll enjoy. We
call it "Real Life Reviews,"
411
00:32:16,848 --> 00:32:21,114
in which we critique the life of
an average person just like you.
412
00:32:21,185 --> 00:32:26,214
Jonathan will begin with a review
of the life of Harvey Putnik.
413
00:32:26,292 --> 00:32:29,091
No. Pitnik. Pitnik, of Skokie, Indiana.
414
00:32:29,162 --> 00:32:31,153
Illinois.
Illinois.
415
00:32:31,231 --> 00:32:34,429
Harvey Pitnik of Skokie, Illinois.
Bernice. Bernice, come here.
416
00:32:34,502 --> 00:32:36,493
They're talking about me
on the television.
417
00:32:36,570 --> 00:32:38,596
What?
Come here.
418
00:32:38,674 --> 00:32:41,938
Harvey Pitnik would seem
to have all the ingredients...
419
00:32:42,009 --> 00:32:44,376
For a successful life.
You'd think so.
420
00:32:44,446 --> 00:32:47,075
So why does he fail so
miserably? I don't know.
421
00:32:47,150 --> 00:32:49,414
I think the problem
is with Harvey himself.
422
00:32:49,485 --> 00:32:51,645
What the hell is this?
You're right. It is Harvey.
423
00:32:51,720 --> 00:32:53,586
Very good, Jonathan.
It is Harvey.
424
00:32:53,656 --> 00:32:56,524
So, we're supposed to care
about this Harvey Pitnik?
425
00:32:56,593 --> 00:33:02,362
Why? I mean, it takes him 30 years
to develop any character at all,
426
00:33:02,434 --> 00:33:04,869
and by the time he does,
who cares?
427
00:33:04,937 --> 00:33:08,167
They're crucifying me.
It's hardly worth the wait.
428
00:33:08,239 --> 00:33:11,175
He didn't like Gandhi either.
Let me show you.
429
00:33:11,243 --> 00:33:15,476
Here's a scene from last year as
Harvey is coming home from work.
430
00:33:23,993 --> 00:33:26,928
Oh. Hi, Scraps.
431
00:33:26,996 --> 00:33:29,055
Hi, Dad.
Hi, kids.
432
00:33:29,131 --> 00:33:31,827
How did they do this?
Hi, honey.
433
00:33:31,900 --> 00:33:34,028
Hi, dear.
Ooh. Potatoes.
434
00:33:34,104 --> 00:33:38,871
I didn't cons... I didn't
consent for this to be on TV.
435
00:33:38,942 --> 00:33:42,070
Dinner'll be ready
in five minutes. Okay.
436
00:33:50,489 --> 00:33:54,119
- Some exciting home life, huh?
- And it goes on like that,
437
00:33:54,193 --> 00:33:57,526
tediously,
day in and day out.
438
00:33:57,597 --> 00:33:59,588
Where's the love?
Where's the passion?
439
00:33:59,665 --> 00:34:04,229
Where's the examination
of one's own existence?
440
00:34:04,305 --> 00:34:07,399
This is a poor excuse
for a life.
441
00:34:07,475 --> 00:34:10,272
I give Harvey Pitnik
a... a big thumbs down.
442
00:34:10,344 --> 00:34:13,339
Thumbs down? I give
him a thumbs down too.
443
00:34:13,417 --> 00:34:16,874
But I didn't hate Harvey
quite as much as you, Jonathan.
444
00:34:16,952 --> 00:34:21,856
Oh, granted, his life was
a miserable waste of time,
445
00:34:21,925 --> 00:34:24,723
but I rather enjoyed
the Kafkaesque touches.
446
00:34:24,795 --> 00:34:28,425
Here's a loser trapped
in a dead-end job...
447
00:34:28,499 --> 00:34:30,991
and a...
a loveless marriage.
448
00:34:31,070 --> 00:34:35,098
How do they know that? Couldn't they
have done anything to make this man human?
449
00:34:35,175 --> 00:34:37,166
Think of the money it took
to bring him into the world.
450
00:34:37,243 --> 00:34:41,544
A ton! To feed him and to clothe
him and then to educate him.
451
00:34:41,615 --> 00:34:43,913
And after all that,
what have you got?
452
00:34:43,984 --> 00:34:46,885
- You've got a big bore!
- A dull clod!
453
00:34:46,954 --> 00:34:49,946
An empty suit.
And another thing,
454
00:34:50,024 --> 00:34:52,016
I was always one step ahead
of this guy's life.
455
00:34:52,094 --> 00:34:54,562
There just were no surprises!
No. Wait a minute.
456
00:34:54,629 --> 00:34:57,428
What about the ending of his
life? That came as a surprise.
457
00:34:57,500 --> 00:34:59,933
Ending?
I saw that coming a mile away!
458
00:35:00,002 --> 00:35:01,993
I didn't.
What ending?
459
00:35:02,071 --> 00:35:04,836
The high blood pressure. The
lack of exercise. True. Uh-huh.
460
00:35:04,908 --> 00:35:06,899
The bad diet.
Of course.
461
00:35:06,977 --> 00:35:12,245
By the time he finally has his heart
attack in front of the TV, big deal!
462
00:35:12,317 --> 00:35:15,219
Heart attack? Heart attack?
It's such a mundane way to go.
463
00:35:15,287 --> 00:35:18,221
What are they talking about? A
heart attack? I didn't have a...
464
00:35:18,289 --> 00:35:22,853
Wouldn't it have been more dramatic if,
say, he'd fallen down an elevator shaft?
465
00:35:22,929 --> 00:35:26,193
He should've died years earlier.
Maybe in a submarine accident.
466
00:35:26,265 --> 00:35:30,226
Harvey? Oh, my God!
Possibly a giant squid.
467
00:35:30,304 --> 00:35:33,205
Something to add a little science
fiction to it. I'm calling an ambulance.
468
00:35:33,274 --> 00:35:35,971
I'm calling an ambulance! A
tragic waste, but who cares?
469
00:35:36,044 --> 00:35:38,706
Oh, I see our time is up. We
want to thank you very much...
470
00:35:38,781 --> 00:35:40,840
for joining us
on Critics Corner.
471
00:35:40,917 --> 00:35:44,148
Hope you'll be back next week when we'll
have an aisle seat reserved just for you.
472
00:35:44,220 --> 00:35:46,211
Bye-bye.
473
00:35:46,289 --> 00:35:49,282
There's so many things he could've
done. He could've had a better haircut.
474
00:35:51,028 --> 00:35:54,327
We now return
to the 1957 film,
475
00:35:54,398 --> 00:35:56,389
Amazon Women
on the Moon,
476
00:35:56,467 --> 00:35:59,028
starring Bill Thomas
and Buzzy Clark.
477
00:35:59,104 --> 00:36:01,869
There will be no
further interruptions.
478
00:36:09,716 --> 00:36:11,707
Well, here we are
on the moon.
479
00:36:15,323 --> 00:36:17,314
This place gives me the willies.
480
00:36:17,392 --> 00:36:19,952
Think we'll run into
any moon men?
481
00:36:20,028 --> 00:36:22,497
Not intelligent life
as you and I know it, Butch.
482
00:36:22,565 --> 00:36:26,695
If there are any Martians, I'll bet
they speak the universal language...
483
00:36:26,769 --> 00:36:28,738
do-re-mi!
484
00:36:28,805 --> 00:36:32,036
You remember the space oath you
took at the academy, Blackie?
485
00:36:32,108 --> 00:36:35,839
"I will not exploit other worlds
for personal gain. "
486
00:36:35,912 --> 00:36:37,904
Look at that.
487
00:36:38,951 --> 00:36:42,409
Follow me, men.
Keep your eyes open.
488
00:36:42,487 --> 00:36:44,921
Selma!
489
00:37:30,042 --> 00:37:35,346
- Hey, dig that
crazy full moon.
490
00:37:35,416 --> 00:37:39,045
That's a full Earth, Butch.
Remember where we are.
491
00:37:39,120 --> 00:37:41,611
Zowie!
492
00:37:41,689 --> 00:37:44,123
This is only a hunch,
but...
493
00:37:44,191 --> 00:37:46,422
Steve! What are you doing?
You're committing suicide!
494
00:37:48,264 --> 00:37:51,562
Just as I thought.
495
00:37:51,633 --> 00:37:53,692
The moon has an atmosphere
similar to Earth's.
496
00:37:53,769 --> 00:37:55,762
Take off your helmets,
boys.
497
00:38:00,778 --> 00:38:02,769
Good old H20.
498
00:38:02,846 --> 00:38:05,146
Steve, fill me in.
How'd you figure it out?
499
00:38:05,217 --> 00:38:07,707
Seems like Loony
figured it out first.
500
00:38:11,957 --> 00:38:15,155
That's my Loony,
a regular Einstein.
501
00:38:17,297 --> 00:38:19,289
Look!
502
00:38:24,339 --> 00:38:28,207
Are your parties
dull and boring?
503
00:38:28,276 --> 00:38:31,041
Well, why not
liven them up...
504
00:38:31,113 --> 00:38:33,514
with the snack food
that's sweeping America.
505
00:38:33,582 --> 00:38:37,712
Mmm! Say, Mike, this is some great
pat�. It has such a unique flavor.
506
00:38:37,787 --> 00:38:42,691
It's more than just an
ordinary pat�, Bill. Watch.
507
00:38:42,760 --> 00:38:45,957
Whoa!
508
00:38:46,030 --> 00:38:49,329
What the... You know, I never
saw an appetizer do that before.
509
00:38:49,400 --> 00:38:51,766
Well, you never tried
Silly Pat� before!
510
00:38:51,836 --> 00:38:55,773
Not only is it fun at parties,
it's low in saturated fats.
511
00:38:55,841 --> 00:38:58,333
And look.
512
00:38:58,411 --> 00:39:02,040
- It picks up
your favorite comic strip!
513
00:39:02,115 --> 00:39:04,107
I'm eating Doonesbury.
514
00:39:05,185 --> 00:39:07,710
And I'm eating
Beetle Bailey.
515
00:39:07,788 --> 00:39:11,554
You'll never have
a dull, lifeless party again...
516
00:39:11,625 --> 00:39:13,618
with Silly Pat�.
517
00:39:15,431 --> 00:39:19,367
Available in all fine gourmet
shops and toy stores everywhere.
518
00:39:28,178 --> 00:39:30,170
It's time,
Mrs. Pitnik.
519
00:39:33,051 --> 00:39:35,042
Do I have to?
520
00:39:35,120 --> 00:39:37,611
Yeah. We need the room again at 4:00.
521
00:39:38,924 --> 00:39:41,860
Come on.
522
00:39:41,928 --> 00:39:45,126
I-Is Har-Harvey here?
523
00:39:45,199 --> 00:39:48,531
Yeah. He's in repose.
He looks great. Oh!
524
00:39:48,601 --> 00:39:52,369
Okay, let's move along.
That's right.
525
00:39:52,441 --> 00:39:56,002
Just relax, Mrs. Pitnik. You're
young. You'll... You'll meet someone.
526
00:39:56,077 --> 00:39:59,843
Send the kids to camp.
That's what I would do.
527
00:40:01,452 --> 00:40:03,545
Okay, family up front,
on the left.
528
00:40:05,888 --> 00:40:08,551
Well, I guess that's it.
529
00:40:21,841 --> 00:40:23,832
Everything's taken care of. Everything.
530
00:40:23,909 --> 00:40:26,377
And the buffet?
To die.
531
00:40:26,445 --> 00:40:29,573
Hey, Scooter.
Cute stuff.
532
00:40:31,252 --> 00:40:35,279
Ladies and gentlemen,
this is a wake.
533
00:40:35,356 --> 00:40:39,453
So let's have fun with it, huh?
Everybody, have a great time.
534
00:40:46,636 --> 00:40:48,627
Welcome to
the O'Leary Funeral Home,
535
00:40:48,705 --> 00:40:53,268
where many of the nation's top comedians
have gathered to roast our guest ofhonor,
536
00:40:53,344 --> 00:40:55,938
the late Harvey Pitnik!
537
00:40:56,947 --> 00:41:00,816
Please welcome...
Rip Taylor!
538
00:41:05,857 --> 00:41:08,827
Slappy White!
539
00:41:11,365 --> 00:41:13,730
Jackie Vernon!
540
00:41:15,735 --> 00:41:18,832
Henny Youngman!
541
00:41:20,508 --> 00:41:22,976
Charlie Callas!
542
00:41:26,582 --> 00:41:30,177
And our roast master...
Mr. Steve Allen!
543
00:41:36,293 --> 00:41:38,694
And here he is,
our man of the hour...
544
00:41:38,763 --> 00:41:41,789
Mr. Harvey Pitnik!
545
00:41:41,866 --> 00:41:45,893
There's Harvey!
546
00:41:53,179 --> 00:41:56,707
Thank you, ladies and mourners.
547
00:41:56,784 --> 00:41:59,151
That's all right, Harvey.
Don't get up.
548
00:42:02,356 --> 00:42:04,348
Anyway, be that as it may...
and I doubt if it was...
549
00:42:04,426 --> 00:42:08,921
tonight we are here to pay tribute
to a close, personal friend,
550
00:42:08,998 --> 00:42:12,900
Harvey Pupik... I'm sorry.
Uh, Pitnik. Harvey Pitnik.
551
00:42:12,970 --> 00:42:16,963
Harvey was a man, my friends,
who was the same in life...
552
00:42:17,040 --> 00:42:21,704
as he is in death... a stiff!
553
00:42:21,778 --> 00:42:26,112
But all seriousness aside, we are
going to lay two things to rest...
554
00:42:26,183 --> 00:42:30,451
Harvey Pitnik and the rumor
that Charlie Callas is funny.
555
00:42:30,522 --> 00:42:34,822
Ladies and gentlemen, a very
funny man, Charlie Callas.
556
00:42:37,831 --> 00:42:39,765
Thank you.
Thank you.
557
00:42:39,833 --> 00:42:42,631
Thank you. Harvey, keep it down!
558
00:42:46,375 --> 00:42:50,972
Today, ladies and gentlemen, we're here to
pay homage to the late Harvey Potemkin...
559
00:42:51,047 --> 00:42:54,015
Peshtabil... Poshbulv...
whatever.
560
00:42:54,082 --> 00:42:56,313
Who cares? Does it matter now?
No, no.
561
00:42:56,386 --> 00:43:01,688
And if Harvey were alive today,
he'd be a very sick man.
562
00:43:09,267 --> 00:43:12,498
We had... I'm sorry to make this announcement.
We had two disappointments tonight...
563
00:43:12,570 --> 00:43:16,872
Milton Berle could not make it
and Rip Taylor could.
564
00:43:16,943 --> 00:43:19,103
Ladies and gentlemen,
Rip Taylor. All right.
565
00:43:24,151 --> 00:43:27,349
- Thank you so much.
Thank you so much.
566
00:43:27,422 --> 00:43:29,391
Thank you.
Thank you so much, Steve.
567
00:43:29,458 --> 00:43:32,824
Charlie said, "Harvey,
keep it down. " Thank you.
568
00:43:32,894 --> 00:43:36,592
Oh, well, there goes that act.
569
00:43:36,665 --> 00:43:39,396
The president couldn't be here,
Harvey, so he sent a wire.
570
00:43:42,604 --> 00:43:45,167
Tell 'em. It's a...
Never mind.
571
00:43:45,243 --> 00:43:47,972
What's this, an audience or a
funeral? Now, pay attention, please.
572
00:43:48,045 --> 00:43:51,946
But I'm a little nervous because
Harvey was a personal friend of mine,
573
00:43:52,015 --> 00:43:55,680
and there's not a person in this
room that Harvey Pitnik did not touch.
574
00:43:55,754 --> 00:44:00,248
I must say, he touched me
for 40 bucks and Steve for 20.
575
00:44:00,325 --> 00:44:03,353
Folks, I don't dance.
This is it, you see.
576
00:44:06,132 --> 00:44:10,433
But I do feel for his widow,
Bernice. That was a romantic marriage.
577
00:44:10,504 --> 00:44:14,339
She learned everything about sex
from a manual.
578
00:44:14,409 --> 00:44:18,072
The "Manuel"
was their gardener.
579
00:44:18,146 --> 00:44:22,310
I'm sorry.
I better wrap it up now, folks.
580
00:44:22,383 --> 00:44:26,446
'Cause you know the old axiom in
show business... "get off quick. "
581
00:44:26,523 --> 00:44:28,491
Like Harvey
on his wedding night.
582
00:44:28,558 --> 00:44:33,327
- Could you die? I gotta go.
Good-bye. Thank you so much.
583
00:44:33,398 --> 00:44:36,366
Thank you folks. I'm thrilled to
be here tonight to pay tribute...
584
00:44:36,434 --> 00:44:38,368
to the late Harvey Pitnik.
585
00:44:38,436 --> 00:44:40,371
But enough about Harvey.
586
00:44:43,675 --> 00:44:46,371
Take my wife.
Please.
587
00:44:48,915 --> 00:44:52,909
Why do Jewish divorces cost
so much? They're worth it.
588
00:44:56,191 --> 00:44:59,785
Why do Jewish guys die before
their wives? They want to.
589
00:45:04,600 --> 00:45:06,591
And that's what
I think of you, Harvey.
590
00:45:13,844 --> 00:45:17,508
Thank you, Henny Youngman, for that
trip down memory lane. And now...
591
00:45:20,952 --> 00:45:25,583
But seriously. Henny, you were
never funnier... and it's a shame.
592
00:45:25,657 --> 00:45:30,095
But I was asked to say a
couple of words about Harvey.
593
00:45:30,162 --> 00:45:33,564
How about "ugly" and "cheap"?
594
00:45:33,633 --> 00:45:36,694
Harvey wrote his will
on his cock,
595
00:45:36,771 --> 00:45:39,967
and his lawyer said it would
not stand up in court.
596
00:45:45,646 --> 00:45:48,912
Okay, Mrs. Pitnik. You're on. What?
597
00:45:48,984 --> 00:45:51,250
You're on. Oh, no. Oh,
no. I really can't...
598
00:45:51,322 --> 00:45:55,349
You're the widow. You've got to give Harvey's
rebuttal. No, no, I can't go up there.
599
00:45:55,426 --> 00:45:58,987
- I can't do this.
- But in conclusion, I'd like to say, congratulations, Harvey.
600
00:45:59,063 --> 00:46:04,731
Rigor mortis is the closest you
ever come to a hard-on in 15 years.
601
00:46:04,804 --> 00:46:08,170
I thank you.
602
00:46:14,715 --> 00:46:17,240
Harvey himself is gonna
throw in his two cents...
603
00:46:17,317 --> 00:46:20,378
as soon as we take 'em
off his eyelids.
604
00:46:20,455 --> 00:46:23,253
I don't get it.
I don't get it.
605
00:46:23,324 --> 00:46:27,623
And now, for the rebuttal on behalf of our
guest of honor, his lovely widow, Bernice.
606
00:46:27,694 --> 00:46:30,666
And nothing's changed, Harvey. She's
still gonna be doing all the talking.
607
00:46:30,734 --> 00:46:32,667
Bernice Pitnik!
608
00:46:40,478 --> 00:46:42,469
Lovely woman.
609
00:46:47,184 --> 00:46:49,312
Thank you, Merv...
I mean, Steve.
610
00:46:49,388 --> 00:46:53,519
That's quite
all right.
611
00:46:53,593 --> 00:46:57,892
Now, well, I would like
to inject a serious note,
612
00:46:57,963 --> 00:47:00,957
as, uh, Henny Youngman
did earlier.
613
00:47:07,375 --> 00:47:09,809
I want to say to...
614
00:47:09,878 --> 00:47:14,178
Harvey, my late husband,
615
00:47:15,251 --> 00:47:17,344
as I look down at you,
616
00:47:17,421 --> 00:47:20,390
lying there motionless,
617
00:47:20,457 --> 00:47:22,892
I can only think
of one thing...
618
00:47:23,961 --> 00:47:26,259
our wedding night.
619
00:47:29,200 --> 00:47:32,466
I'll never forget my...
620
00:47:32,538 --> 00:47:36,701
my last moments with...
Harvey,
621
00:47:36,774 --> 00:47:40,337
As I... as I took him
into my arms...
622
00:47:40,413 --> 00:47:44,645
and I whispered those
three little words:
623
00:47:44,718 --> 00:47:47,518
"Sign the will. "
624
00:47:49,591 --> 00:47:52,150
Great.
But seriously,
625
00:47:52,226 --> 00:47:54,218
I'm glad to see
Slappy White here today.
626
00:47:54,296 --> 00:47:57,425
Now at least I know
my hubcaps are safe.
627
00:48:01,071 --> 00:48:03,266
And Rip Taylor,
is that a toupee,
628
00:48:03,340 --> 00:48:06,070
or did a beaver curl up
and die on your head?
629
00:48:10,081 --> 00:48:15,075
As I look at Henny Youngman today, I'm
not so sure we're burying the right guy.
630
00:48:19,925 --> 00:48:22,450
At last,
631
00:48:22,528 --> 00:48:25,930
the greatest album
oflove songs ever recorded.
632
00:48:25,999 --> 00:48:29,026
You'll want to share them
with someone special.
633
00:48:29,103 --> 00:48:33,699
� Why do birds suddenly appear �
634
00:48:33,775 --> 00:48:38,475
Sung by the man who turned a personal
affliction into a recording career,
635
00:48:38,547 --> 00:48:41,108
Don "No Soul"Simmons.
636
00:48:41,184 --> 00:48:43,811
� Just like me �
637
00:48:43,886 --> 00:48:46,515
� They long to be �
638
00:48:46,589 --> 00:48:49,457
� Close to you �
639
00:48:50,661 --> 00:48:53,323
� Why do stars �
640
00:48:53,397 --> 00:48:56,629
� Fall down from the sky �
641
00:48:56,701 --> 00:48:58,635
� Every time �
642
00:48:59,438 --> 00:49:01,497
� You walk by �
643
00:49:02,974 --> 00:49:05,739
� Just like me �
644
00:49:05,812 --> 00:49:08,280
� They long to be �
645
00:49:08,347 --> 00:49:11,181
� Close to you �
646
00:49:11,251 --> 00:49:15,018
� She'd been sitting there �
So curl up by the fireside...
647
00:49:15,090 --> 00:49:18,388
and listen to the non-threatening
music of this master showman.
648
00:49:19,562 --> 00:49:22,621
� And, honey, I miss you �
649
00:49:24,767 --> 00:49:27,259
� And I'm being good �
650
00:49:29,705 --> 00:49:32,173
� And I'd love
to be with you �
651
00:49:34,712 --> 00:49:37,272
� If only I could �
652
00:49:39,784 --> 00:49:42,219
� Say, has anybody seen �
653
00:49:42,287 --> 00:49:45,416
� My sweet Gypsy Rose �
654
00:49:45,492 --> 00:49:47,982
� Here's her picture
when she was �
655
00:49:48,060 --> 00:49:50,996
� My sweet Mary Jo �
Young lovers of any age...
656
00:49:51,064 --> 00:49:53,226
will cherish
this timeless collection...
657
00:49:53,300 --> 00:49:55,927
of the world's
most romantic ballads.
658
00:49:56,002 --> 00:49:58,028
And if you act now,
you'll get free...
659
00:49:58,105 --> 00:50:02,406
this bonus album:
Don Simmons Down & Funky.
660
00:50:06,849 --> 00:50:10,443
� Jeremiah was a bullfrog �
661
00:50:11,454 --> 00:50:14,788
� He was a good friend of mine �
662
00:50:14,858 --> 00:50:18,089
� I never understood
a single word he said �
663
00:50:18,162 --> 00:50:20,653
This two-record collection
is not available in any stores,
664
00:50:20,731 --> 00:50:22,667
so order now.
665
00:50:22,735 --> 00:50:26,170
� Yes, he always had
some mighty fine wine �
666
00:50:35,848 --> 00:50:40,013
By thunder!
She's a lovely sight, lads!
667
00:50:40,086 --> 00:50:44,684
And you can bet
your miserable lives...
668
00:50:44,760 --> 00:50:48,457
the cargo hold is filled
with precious booty.
669
00:50:48,530 --> 00:50:51,364
Let's take her, Cap'n.
Aye. Are you game, lads?
670
00:50:51,434 --> 00:50:52,867
Aye!
671
00:50:58,274 --> 00:51:01,609
Video pirates! Man the guns and
prepare to "defend boarders. "
672
00:51:01,679 --> 00:51:02,908
Fire!
673
00:51:09,120 --> 00:51:11,987
Cutlasses,
me hearties!
674
00:51:14,527 --> 00:51:16,495
Give them a bellyful
of steel.
675
00:51:32,648 --> 00:51:37,778
Ah. By gum, Captain! All the
latest home videos. In Beta and VHS!
676
00:51:37,852 --> 00:51:41,790
Aye! Some so current, they're
still in theatrical release.
677
00:51:41,858 --> 00:51:46,387
Help yourself, mates. A
chest full of video discs. No!
678
00:51:46,464 --> 00:51:48,659
What good are they? Can't record on 'em.
679
00:51:48,733 --> 00:51:51,328
They're not compatible
with my system.
680
00:51:51,403 --> 00:51:53,598
Captain! This one's locked.
681
00:51:53,672 --> 00:51:56,869
Stand back.
682
00:51:56,943 --> 00:52:00,344
Open 'er up.
683
00:52:03,484 --> 00:52:05,974
Gather around, me buckoes,
and feast your eyes on this.
684
00:52:06,052 --> 00:52:09,046
Make all the illegal copies
you want.
685
00:52:09,124 --> 00:52:11,058
Put it on.
Aye, aye, Captain.
686
00:52:15,297 --> 00:52:20,292
Ohhh, I'm so scared.
687
00:53:02,451 --> 00:53:06,582
I said I don't want to be
disturbed. Griffin, it's me, Trent.
688
00:53:06,656 --> 00:53:08,955
Trent, I've been
waiting for you.
689
00:53:09,026 --> 00:53:10,960
Come in.
690
00:53:11,028 --> 00:53:14,691
Ah, Griffin. I came as soon
as I received your cable.
691
00:53:17,436 --> 00:53:20,337
Good God, man,
what happened?
692
00:53:20,406 --> 00:53:23,136
I've done it, Trent. At
long last, I've done it.
693
00:53:23,209 --> 00:53:27,147
I finally duplicated my father's
formula for invisibility...
694
00:53:27,215 --> 00:53:30,945
after five years of injecting myself
with every chemical known to man.
695
00:53:31,017 --> 00:53:35,921
But Griffin, the invisibility formula
turned your father into a raving lunatic.
696
00:53:35,990 --> 00:53:38,892
That's where I've topped
the old man.
697
00:53:38,961 --> 00:53:41,452
I've been on the stuff
for over a week now,
698
00:53:41,530 --> 00:53:44,090
and I'm still
perfectly sane.
699
00:53:44,166 --> 00:53:46,567
Yes. I'll rule the world
with my secret.
700
00:53:46,636 --> 00:53:48,570
Yes. And I'll
need you, Trent.
701
00:53:48,638 --> 00:53:51,732
I must have
a visible partner.
702
00:53:51,808 --> 00:53:55,405
I can tell by your stunned expression
that you're pretty impressed.
703
00:54:00,085 --> 00:54:02,610
Look, Ma,
704
00:54:04,121 --> 00:54:06,489
no hands.
705
00:54:06,559 --> 00:54:10,188
I haven't come up with a reagent
to make myself visible again.
706
00:54:10,263 --> 00:54:12,663
But what's the rush?
I'm having a ball.
707
00:54:12,732 --> 00:54:15,032
Watch me closely.
708
00:54:18,439 --> 00:54:22,877
Ever see a shirt
make a phone call?
709
00:54:23,878 --> 00:54:26,404
Pretty scary, huh?
710
00:54:29,252 --> 00:54:31,243
Wait till
you see this.
711
00:54:33,423 --> 00:54:37,155
you don't have to go
all the way.
712
00:54:37,228 --> 00:54:40,789
Yes.
713
00:54:40,865 --> 00:54:43,265
Just listen for
the sound of my voice,
714
00:54:44,669 --> 00:54:47,504
and you'll know
where I am at all times.
715
00:54:47,574 --> 00:54:50,167
Come on. Let's have
some laughs! Griffin!
716
00:54:50,242 --> 00:54:55,238
Being invisible is the best!
717
00:55:04,960 --> 00:55:08,259
Hey! Here comes
the invisible man again.
718
00:55:12,234 --> 00:55:15,831
You, go and get some help.
I'll watch him here.
719
00:55:23,114 --> 00:55:25,606
Whee-ooh!
Whee-ooh!
720
00:55:27,752 --> 00:55:32,122
Oh, my. Now how did that
happen? Must be a ghost in 'ere.
721
00:55:32,191 --> 00:55:34,125
This is unreal.
722
00:55:35,228 --> 00:55:37,321
I'm terribly sorry.
723
00:55:51,413 --> 00:55:54,941
Now, now, now. What's all
this? Here he is, Officer.
724
00:55:55,018 --> 00:55:58,579
Take it easy with him.
He's not really dangerous.
725
00:55:58,655 --> 00:56:00,953
Come along
quietly then, guv.
726
00:56:01,024 --> 00:56:04,017
You'll have
to find me first.
727
00:56:04,995 --> 00:56:07,327
Come along.
728
00:56:07,398 --> 00:56:09,423
Let's cover this one up.
Come on.
729
00:56:09,500 --> 00:56:13,268
Wait. I'm invisible.
Don't touch me there.
730
00:56:16,374 --> 00:56:18,309
Selma!
731
00:56:29,357 --> 00:56:31,292
We now return to our feature...
732
00:56:31,360 --> 00:56:34,295
starring Greta Van Zandt
and Lyle Talbot.
733
00:56:34,363 --> 00:56:37,332
There will be
no further interruptions.
734
00:56:46,943 --> 00:56:50,506
This looks like the remains
of some ancient culture.
735
00:56:50,582 --> 00:56:54,848
Steve, I said some things back
there that I shouldn't have.
736
00:56:54,920 --> 00:56:57,946
Anyway, thanks for saving
me from that dinosaur.
737
00:56:58,023 --> 00:57:02,188
Forget it. Hey, would you
get a load of this joint?
738
00:57:05,299 --> 00:57:07,233
This throne is still warm.
739
00:57:14,676 --> 00:57:16,667
Where are you going?
740
00:57:16,745 --> 00:57:19,180
I forgot somethin'
back on the ship.
741
00:57:19,248 --> 00:57:21,342
What?
I forgot to stay there.
742
00:57:27,623 --> 00:57:31,584
We are experiencing technical
difficulties. Please stand by.
743
00:57:33,264 --> 00:57:35,198
We are experiencing techn...
744
00:57:40,706 --> 00:57:43,267
I demand that you set
us free, Queen Lara.
745
00:57:43,343 --> 00:57:46,334
We are on an official
mission from the planet Earth.
746
00:57:46,412 --> 00:57:48,347
Ha! "Planet Earth. "
747
00:57:48,415 --> 00:57:51,510
Is that what you call that
pitiful ball hanging in the sky?
748
00:57:51,586 --> 00:57:54,850
You wouldn't say that if you saw
Jane Russell or the Brooklyn Dodgers.
749
00:57:54,922 --> 00:57:56,856
Silence, swine,
750
00:57:56,924 --> 00:57:59,723
or you will suffer the
same fate as your friend.
751
00:57:59,795 --> 00:58:03,562
I intend to file a protest
in the death of Blackie!
752
00:58:03,633 --> 00:58:07,729
He dared to enter the sacred temple
and steal the precious moonstones.
753
00:58:07,804 --> 00:58:10,603
But feeding him to giant spiders
without the benefit of counsel...
754
00:58:10,674 --> 00:58:12,904
is not the way we do things
in America.
755
00:58:18,616 --> 00:58:20,709
Boy, I never thought
I'd be so miserable...
756
00:58:20,785 --> 00:58:22,720
surrounded by
beautiful dames.
757
00:58:22,788 --> 00:58:25,847
Cut the gags, Butch.
We're in enough trouble.
758
00:58:25,924 --> 00:58:29,589
What's she lookin' at? She acts
like she's never seen a man before.
759
00:58:29,663 --> 00:58:33,463
She hasn't.
Have you, Alpha Beta?
760
00:58:35,001 --> 00:58:37,061
No, my queen.
761
00:58:37,138 --> 00:58:39,232
What are men good for?
762
00:58:39,308 --> 00:58:41,798
Well, I'm pretty good in
the backseat of a Studebaker.
763
00:58:41,876 --> 00:58:43,969
Butch!
764
00:58:44,045 --> 00:58:48,278
Men are useless.
Back where I come from,
765
00:58:48,351 --> 00:58:50,979
no woman is complete
without a man.
766
00:58:52,354 --> 00:58:54,585
You see,
Commander Nelson,
767
00:58:54,657 --> 00:58:56,922
12,000 gamma-spans ago...
768
00:58:56,994 --> 00:58:59,462
"Gamma-spans"?
A moon unit of time,
769
00:58:59,530 --> 00:59:01,726
roughly equivalent
to your Earth year.
770
00:59:01,799 --> 00:59:06,134
Anyway, all men were banished from the
lunar surface because they couldn't...
771
00:59:07,105 --> 00:59:09,267
For 131 years,
772
00:59:09,342 --> 00:59:11,674
this great institution
has amassed...
773
00:59:11,744 --> 00:59:16,374
what many consider to be the finest
collection of art anywhere in the world.
774
00:59:16,450 --> 00:59:20,546
And now it can all be yours.
775
00:59:20,621 --> 00:59:24,148
We've lost our lease!
776
00:59:24,225 --> 00:59:26,456
That's right.
Everything must go.
777
00:59:26,529 --> 00:59:30,692
From the old masters of Europe to the
conceptual artists of today's SoHo.
778
00:59:30,765 --> 00:59:33,258
We're talking Rembrandts,
Botticellis,
779
00:59:33,336 --> 00:59:36,032
Gauguin, C�zanne,
Matisse, Renoir...
780
00:59:36,106 --> 00:59:39,166
and the chairman of the board,
781
00:59:39,242 --> 00:59:41,677
Leonardo da Vinci.
782
00:59:41,746 --> 00:59:43,872
This Egyptian sarcophagus...
783
00:59:43,947 --> 00:59:48,511
from the dynasty of Ramses II,
appraised at $14 million.
784
00:59:48,587 --> 00:59:51,351
Our price? $19.95.
785
00:59:51,423 --> 00:59:54,358
Buy now, and we'll toss in,
free of charge,
786
00:59:54,426 --> 00:59:57,727
the original
Declaration of Independence.
787
00:59:57,797 --> 01:00:00,960
Now you might expect to pay
millions for this document...
788
01:00:01,034 --> 01:00:03,003
that shaped a great nation.
789
01:00:03,070 --> 01:00:08,474
But it's yours free. This fine parchment
will enhance any den or playroom.
790
01:00:08,542 --> 01:00:11,479
And you can have some fun
with your friends...
791
01:00:11,547 --> 01:00:15,574
by adding your own name
along with the original signers.
792
01:00:15,651 --> 01:00:18,712
Remember,
the Cosmopolitan Museum of Art.
793
01:00:18,789 --> 01:00:22,451
Every Van Gogh must go.
794
01:00:24,127 --> 01:00:26,061
Hello, I'm Henry Silva.
795
01:00:26,129 --> 01:00:30,066
Ever since the ocean liner Titanic
sunk on her maiden voyage in 1912,
796
01:00:30,134 --> 01:00:32,932
people have asked,
"How did it happen?"
797
01:00:33,004 --> 01:00:36,236
Join me...
798
01:00:36,308 --> 01:00:38,242
as we dramatically recreate...
� Nearer �
799
01:00:38,310 --> 01:00:43,409
the sinking of the great ocean
liner Titanic. � My God, to thee �
800
01:00:44,819 --> 01:00:46,753
Bullshit or not?
801
01:00:46,821 --> 01:00:50,188
You be the judge,
here on this station.
802
01:00:50,258 --> 01:00:53,422
From the pen
of America's wealthiest author,
803
01:00:53,495 --> 01:00:55,986
Irving Sidney,
the man who gave us...
804
01:00:56,064 --> 01:00:58,829
The best-sellers, Irving
Sidney's The Naked Virgin...
805
01:00:58,902 --> 01:01:01,530
And Irving Sidney's
The Power and the Flesh,
806
01:01:01,604 --> 01:01:04,903
comes Irving Sidney's
sizzling new blockbuster...
807
01:01:04,974 --> 01:01:08,672
Hey, baby.
808
01:01:08,746 --> 01:01:10,680
Long time
no see, huh?
809
01:01:10,748 --> 01:01:13,617
There must be some mistake.
Come on. Who are ya kiddin'?
810
01:01:13,686 --> 01:01:15,880
It's me.
It's Bert.
811
01:01:15,954 --> 01:01:17,945
Look, I'm in town with
the textile convention,
812
01:01:18,023 --> 01:01:23,258
and I thought maybe we
could, uh, you know, party!
813
01:01:23,330 --> 01:01:25,264
I don't do that anymore.
Oh...
814
01:01:25,332 --> 01:01:29,133
You better get out of here
before you wake the president.
815
01:01:29,203 --> 01:01:32,798
When President Harrison Chandler
was married in the White House,
816
01:01:32,874 --> 01:01:35,104
it was the social event
of the decade.
817
01:01:35,176 --> 01:01:37,872
The courageous president...
818
01:01:37,946 --> 01:01:40,278
and his beautiful new bride.
819
01:01:40,348 --> 01:01:43,216
But she possessed a secret
that could shatter her dreams...
820
01:01:43,286 --> 01:01:46,153
and topple a government.
821
01:01:46,222 --> 01:01:49,521
I'll meet you in the
Lincoln Room in five minutes.
822
01:01:51,329 --> 01:01:53,321
She was forced to live a lie...
823
01:01:53,398 --> 01:01:56,332
when her sins
came back to haunt her.
824
01:01:56,400 --> 01:02:00,201
She was
"first lady of the evening. "
825
01:02:00,272 --> 01:02:03,969
Irving Sidney's
1st Lady of the Evening.
826
01:02:04,042 --> 01:02:09,037
A Magnet paperback in easy-to-read
type with no big words.
827
01:02:13,320 --> 01:02:17,814
� Birds suddenly appear �
828
01:02:17,891 --> 01:02:20,417
� Every time �
829
01:02:20,495 --> 01:02:23,728
Look, Violet, what do you say
we go park out by the lake?
830
01:02:23,799 --> 01:02:25,733
My glands are
out of control.
831
01:02:26,869 --> 01:02:30,705
Well, okay, Georgie,
but are you prepared?
832
01:02:30,775 --> 01:02:33,539
I've been preparing myself for 17 years.
833
01:02:33,611 --> 01:02:36,238
That's not what I meant.
834
01:02:36,313 --> 01:02:39,250
� Fall down from the sky �
Pull over to that drugstore.
835
01:02:45,724 --> 01:02:50,560
� On the day that you were
born the angels got together �
836
01:02:50,630 --> 01:02:56,125
� And decided to create a dream come true �
- Georgie.
837
01:02:56,202 --> 01:02:59,139
� So they sprinkled
moon dust in your hair �
838
01:02:59,207 --> 01:03:02,802
� And golden starlight �
- Make sure you ask for Titans.
839
01:03:02,878 --> 01:03:05,540
Those are the best.
840
01:03:05,614 --> 01:03:10,143
� That is why
all the boys �
841
01:03:13,557 --> 01:03:15,990
Hello, George.
How are ya?
842
01:03:16,059 --> 01:03:18,825
Uh, hi, Mr. Gower. I
- I didn't think you worked nights.
843
01:03:18,897 --> 01:03:22,127
My night man took sick.
What can I do for you?
844
01:03:22,199 --> 01:03:24,896
We're having a sale
on shaving cre...
845
01:03:24,970 --> 01:03:29,236
What am I saying? You're not old enough to
shave yet. I've been shaving since March.
846
01:03:29,308 --> 01:03:32,767
See? Hey, I'd better call your
mom right now and thank her...
847
01:03:32,846 --> 01:03:35,076
for the preserves she
brought over to our house...
848
01:03:35,148 --> 01:03:37,082
Not now! I mean...
849
01:03:37,150 --> 01:03:39,176
I mean, don't bother.
850
01:03:39,253 --> 01:03:41,915
I'll give her
the message for you.
851
01:03:41,989 --> 01:03:46,152
- I'll bet I know what you want.
- You do?
852
01:03:46,227 --> 01:03:51,189
Sure. I was young once. Licorice sticks.
853
01:03:51,267 --> 01:03:53,326
They came in
fresh this morning.
854
01:03:53,403 --> 01:03:56,600
Mr. Gower,
I'm 17 years old.
855
01:03:56,673 --> 01:03:59,404
Already?
Seems like only yesterday...
856
01:03:59,477 --> 01:04:02,001
your mom was in here
buying talc...
857
01:04:02,078 --> 01:04:04,377
to powder your
little bottom.
858
01:04:06,985 --> 01:04:09,010
look...
859
01:04:11,724 --> 01:04:14,659
Never mind. Thanks.
860
01:04:16,863 --> 01:04:20,823
� Follow you �
861
01:04:20,901 --> 01:04:23,734
� All around �
862
01:04:24,805 --> 01:04:26,934
� Just like me �
863
01:04:27,009 --> 01:04:29,534
� They long to be �
864
01:04:31,213 --> 01:04:33,407
Almost forgot
what I came in for.
865
01:04:33,482 --> 01:04:36,941
Tube of toothpaste
and a box of...
866
01:04:37,020 --> 01:04:39,215
Toothpaste and what?
867
01:04:39,289 --> 01:04:41,223
A box of...
Titans.
868
01:04:41,291 --> 01:04:43,260
You have to
speak up, George.
869
01:04:43,327 --> 01:04:45,989
Titans! I want a box
of Titan condoms!
870
01:04:46,063 --> 01:04:48,691
George!
871
01:04:51,136 --> 01:04:55,869
And to think
you were an altar boy.
872
01:05:10,824 --> 01:05:12,758
You did say "Titans"?
873
01:05:12,826 --> 01:05:15,853
Oh, only about four times.
874
01:05:15,931 --> 01:05:17,865
Thanks, Mr. Gower.
875
01:05:38,190 --> 01:05:40,124
What's goin' on?
George?
876
01:05:40,192 --> 01:05:42,456
Rupert King, president
of Titan Condoms.
877
01:05:42,528 --> 01:05:47,763
Congratulations, young man. You are
our one-billionth customer. Pictures.
878
01:05:49,737 --> 01:05:52,227
Thanks, but I really
gotta go. Not so fast, kid.
879
01:05:52,306 --> 01:05:54,798
We've been planning this for
months. It's really not necessary.
880
01:05:54,876 --> 01:05:58,778
Tell me, George, how long have you
been using our fine Titan products?
881
01:05:58,847 --> 01:06:01,578
Uh, you could say I never use
anything else. Great quote.
882
01:06:01,651 --> 01:06:05,109
Are you getting all of this? You're
not gonna use my name, are you?
883
01:06:05,188 --> 01:06:08,716
Modesty, I like it. You could give Titans
that wholesome image we're looking for.
884
01:06:08,792 --> 01:06:10,783
Do you know what
you're doing to me?
885
01:06:10,861 --> 01:06:13,092
The entire town's
gonna know about this.
886
01:06:13,164 --> 01:06:17,931
You'll be a household name, George,
just like Bip, our Titan mascot!
887
01:06:18,003 --> 01:06:20,699
Pictures. Pictures. Hi, folks.
Hi, George. Hi, everybody.
888
01:06:20,772 --> 01:06:23,264
Hey, George, will you
autograph a box for me?
889
01:06:23,343 --> 01:06:26,641
Get used to that, George.
890
01:06:26,712 --> 01:06:29,511
More good news, George.
891
01:06:29,583 --> 01:06:34,920
Even as we speak, your parents are racing here
to join you in your moment ofTitan triumph.
892
01:06:34,989 --> 01:06:38,219
My parents? Are you nuts? I'm
not even supposed to have the car.
893
01:06:38,292 --> 01:06:41,057
Make sure you airbrush out
the kid's acne, okay? George,
894
01:06:41,129 --> 01:06:46,626
as a token of our thanks, we'd like you
to have this lifetime supply ofTitans!
895
01:06:46,703 --> 01:06:49,638
- Thank you, Connie.
- All I wanted was one.
896
01:06:52,075 --> 01:06:54,066
- Violet!
- George, I can tell,
897
01:06:54,144 --> 01:06:56,705
you're as excited as we are,
as you begin this,
898
01:06:56,781 --> 01:06:59,908
your yearlong reign as
our Titan king! Yippee!
899
01:07:18,005 --> 01:07:23,103
And now the exciting
conclusion of the 1955 feature,
900
01:07:23,178 --> 01:07:27,047
Amazon Women of the Moon.
901
01:07:27,116 --> 01:07:30,209
There will be no further
commercial interruptions.
902
01:07:30,286 --> 01:07:32,277
Bullshit or not?
903
01:07:32,355 --> 01:07:34,290
Hey, cut the mush,
you two.
904
01:07:34,358 --> 01:07:37,350
This place is about to
blow sky high. Yes, look!
905
01:07:37,427 --> 01:07:40,556
Moogla, the mountain demon, is angry.
906
01:07:40,631 --> 01:07:43,430
Yeah, and that ain't just
heartburn. We haven't got much time.
907
01:07:43,502 --> 01:07:45,935
Let's go!
908
01:07:46,003 --> 01:07:48,403
Come on, Loony.
909
01:07:58,518 --> 01:08:01,283
There's the rocket.
Hurry! Come on, Alpha Beta.
910
01:08:01,355 --> 01:08:04,655
When we get back to Earth, I'm
gonna show you Ebbets Field.
911
01:08:25,517 --> 01:08:30,217
Oh, Steve,
save yourself.
912
01:08:30,289 --> 01:08:33,281
I wouldn't be able
to enjoy Earth without you.
913
01:08:53,382 --> 01:08:55,782
Fasten seat belts.
914
01:08:55,850 --> 01:09:01,348
I think we got about 12 seconds
before everything blows. Fire retros.
915
01:09:03,761 --> 01:09:06,958
She won't turn over!
916
01:09:14,739 --> 01:09:16,969
Listen to that sweet music.
917
01:10:03,429 --> 01:10:07,366
There goes the only home
I've ever known.
918
01:10:07,434 --> 01:10:11,735
You got a new home now, Lara,
With me on Earth.
919
01:10:17,813 --> 01:10:21,806
What are they doing, Butch?
Well, it's called smoochin', babe.
920
01:10:25,856 --> 01:10:28,586
Come here. I'll give ya
your first lesson.
921
01:10:36,167 --> 01:10:38,931
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
922
01:10:39,938 --> 01:10:42,270
Earth to Moon Rocket One.
923
01:10:42,341 --> 01:10:44,434
This is the President.
924
01:10:44,510 --> 01:10:47,572
Steve, I hope you have
things well in hand.
925
01:10:48,982 --> 01:10:50,973
I'll say.
926
01:11:02,229 --> 01:11:05,098
Whooping, Gunfire
927
01:11:12,609 --> 01:11:14,544
Yeah, you. Come here.
928
01:11:20,117 --> 01:11:22,449
Yeah?
Saturday night.
929
01:11:25,725 --> 01:11:28,353
- Yeah?
- Ain't got a date.
930
01:11:30,863 --> 01:11:34,197
- What's your name, kid?
- Ray.
931
01:12:16,416 --> 01:12:18,714
You must be Ray.
932
01:12:20,921 --> 01:12:22,856
I'm Sherrie.
933
01:12:26,060 --> 01:12:28,119
I heard you were
good-looking,
934
01:12:29,632 --> 01:12:32,658
but I had no idea.
935
01:12:32,735 --> 01:12:34,726
Come on in.
936
01:12:41,846 --> 01:12:43,781
As you can see,
I made dinner.
937
01:12:43,849 --> 01:12:49,809
Mmm, but I'm not hungry
just yet... for food.
938
01:12:49,886 --> 01:12:51,947
Do you know what I mean?
939
01:13:08,275 --> 01:13:10,938
Help me with my zipper, Ray?
940
01:13:13,248 --> 01:13:18,311
That's so much better.
941
01:13:18,387 --> 01:13:21,755
God, you're such a hunk, Ray.
942
01:13:24,261 --> 01:13:27,857
I want you.
And I want you now.
943
01:13:27,931 --> 01:13:29,865
Get over here, Ray.
944
01:13:32,370 --> 01:13:34,304
I'm waiting, Ray.
945
01:13:34,372 --> 01:13:37,102
Take me.
946
01:13:37,175 --> 01:13:41,011
I want you to make wild,
violent love to me.
947
01:13:49,191 --> 01:13:53,126
Oh, you're so good, Ray.
948
01:13:59,402 --> 01:14:02,735
You're the best, Ray.
Yeah, yeah.
949
01:14:02,806 --> 01:14:06,139
Ray, give it to me!
950
01:14:06,209 --> 01:14:09,442
Mmm, that's good, Ray.
951
01:14:09,514 --> 01:14:13,575
Yeah!
952
01:14:20,059 --> 01:14:23,517
- You dirty slut!
- Frankie, what are you doin' here?
953
01:14:23,596 --> 01:14:27,055
- I thought you were outta town!
- That's what I wanted you to think!
954
01:14:27,134 --> 01:14:32,573
- And I expected a little more from you, Ray.
- What, of me?
955
01:14:32,640 --> 01:14:36,770
- You think I care about a loser like Ray?
- Loser?
956
01:14:36,845 --> 01:14:39,815
- I did it to hurt you.
- You did it to hurt me?
957
01:14:39,882 --> 01:14:42,043
Well, your cheatin' days
are over, street meat!
958
01:14:42,117 --> 01:14:46,076
Frankie, what are you doin'with
that gun? I'm gonna teach you...
959
01:14:46,155 --> 01:14:48,751
and this little
know-nothing wimp a lesson!
960
01:14:48,826 --> 01:14:51,795
- That's what I'm doin' with the gun.
- No, Frankie!
961
01:14:51,863 --> 01:14:54,592
I love you!
I've always loved you.
962
01:14:54,664 --> 01:14:58,033
You think I enjoyed going to bed
with a worm like Ray? Shut up!
963
01:14:58,103 --> 01:15:00,731
- Worm?
- You're history, Sherrie.
964
01:15:07,615 --> 01:15:09,549
Satisfied, Ray? Hmm?
965
01:15:09,617 --> 01:15:11,881
Happy now, buddy?
966
01:15:11,952 --> 01:15:16,286
Well, you're gonna have to live with
that guilt for the rest of your life.
967
01:15:16,357 --> 01:15:18,484
And you know what else, Ray?
968
01:15:19,595 --> 01:15:21,756
You're gonna have to live
with this too.
969
01:15:21,831 --> 01:15:23,991
Freeze!
970
01:15:27,204 --> 01:15:29,468
You have the right
to remain silent.
971
01:15:29,539 --> 01:15:31,507
If you give up the right
to remain silent,
972
01:15:31,575 --> 01:15:34,476
anything you say can and will be
used against you in a court of law.
973
01:15:34,544 --> 01:15:38,242
You have the right to speak with an attorney and
have an attorney present at time of questioning.
974
01:15:38,416 --> 01:15:42,044
� I was at a dance �
975
01:15:43,022 --> 01:15:44,956
� When she caught my eye �
976
01:15:46,025 --> 01:15:47,959
� Standing all alone �
977
01:15:49,028 --> 01:15:52,020
� Looking sad and shy �
978
01:15:52,098 --> 01:15:54,031
� We began to dance �
979
01:15:55,169 --> 01:15:58,798
� Swayin' to and fro
whoa, whoa �
980
01:15:58,873 --> 01:16:03,037
� And soon I knew
I'd never let her go �
981
01:16:04,111 --> 01:16:07,173
� Blame it on the bossa nova �
982
01:16:07,250 --> 01:16:09,184
� With its magic spell �
983
01:16:10,252 --> 01:16:12,846
� Blame it on the bossa nova �
984
01:16:12,921 --> 01:16:14,857
� That she did so well �
985
01:16:16,226 --> 01:16:19,491
� Oh, it all began
with just one little dance �
986
01:16:19,563 --> 01:16:22,225
� But soon it ended up
a big romance �
987
01:16:22,299 --> 01:16:25,566
� Blame it on the bossa nova �
988
01:16:25,638 --> 01:16:28,162
� The dance of love �
989
01:16:28,239 --> 01:16:31,175
� Blame it on the bossa nova �
990
01:16:31,243 --> 01:16:33,177
� With its magic spell �
991
01:16:34,246 --> 01:16:36,807
� Blame it on the bossa nova �
992
01:16:36,883 --> 01:16:38,817
� That she did so well �
993
01:16:40,187 --> 01:16:43,453
� Oh, it all began
with just one little dance �
994
01:16:43,524 --> 01:16:46,084
� But soon it ended up
a big romance �
995
01:16:46,160 --> 01:16:49,494
� Blame it on the bossa nova �
996
01:16:49,565 --> 01:16:53,594
� The dance of love �
997
01:17:03,215 --> 01:17:05,205
Is there anybody out there?
998
01:17:08,320 --> 01:17:10,515
Would you please
do me a favor?
999
01:17:10,589 --> 01:17:15,460
Call Crazy Leo's and tell him the
TV set he sold me has a problem.
1000
01:17:15,529 --> 01:17:18,258
I'm still under warranty.
1001
01:17:18,331 --> 01:17:21,494
Hello? Hello?
1002
01:17:26,975 --> 01:17:28,908
Help me.
I'll never see Selma.
1003
01:17:28,977 --> 01:17:32,345
I'll never get back.
I'll never get back.
1004
01:17:32,415 --> 01:17:36,317
I'm finished. I'm finished.
I'll never get back.
1005
01:17:36,385 --> 01:17:38,946
I'm goin' out of my mind.
1006
01:18:03,717 --> 01:18:06,514
Mary Brown?
1007
01:18:06,586 --> 01:18:11,549
- Yes.
- Sit down, Mary Brown.
1008
01:18:16,598 --> 01:18:18,589
Thank you, Doctor.
1009
01:18:19,702 --> 01:18:23,696
Mary, I've been going
over your tests.
1010
01:18:23,774 --> 01:18:26,937
How did a nice girl
like you...
1011
01:18:27,010 --> 01:18:31,038
come to contract
a social disease?
1012
01:18:31,116 --> 01:18:33,881
Then my worst fears
are confirmed.
1013
01:18:33,952 --> 01:18:36,477
Oh, the shame of it!
1014
01:18:36,554 --> 01:18:41,323
Now, now.
You are unclean,
1015
01:18:42,696 --> 01:18:46,187
but there's always hope.
1016
01:18:48,067 --> 01:18:50,799
Tell me how
you went astray.
1017
01:18:50,872 --> 01:18:54,467
Tell me everything.
1018
01:18:55,576 --> 01:18:58,340
I won a...
beauty contest...
1019
01:18:58,412 --> 01:19:00,347
here in Iowa.
1020
01:19:00,415 --> 01:19:04,409
I thought I'd try my luck...
in New York.
1021
01:19:07,490 --> 01:19:09,550
It wasn't like
Iowa at all.
1022
01:19:09,627 --> 01:19:13,530
And then I met
a theatrical agent.
1023
01:19:13,598 --> 01:19:17,124
Gosh, that sure is different than
the sarsaparilla we have back home.
1024
01:19:17,201 --> 01:19:19,694
Well, we like a little more
"sass" in our "parilla. "
1025
01:19:19,772 --> 01:19:24,231
Now, Mary I didn't get you up
here to dish out a lot o' hooey.
1026
01:19:24,309 --> 01:19:27,107
Oh, that's all right.
I already had lunch.
1027
01:19:27,180 --> 01:19:30,412
You see, there's a social side
to this business we call "show. "
1028
01:19:30,484 --> 01:19:34,112
Now, uh, let me see your gams. What?
1029
01:19:37,592 --> 01:19:40,618
I was humiliated,
though oddly excited.
1030
01:19:41,931 --> 01:19:44,161
Well, he told me
he could spot fresh talent...
1031
01:19:44,233 --> 01:19:47,964
and sent me to see a colleague
of his named Dutch Monahan. �
1032
01:19:48,037 --> 01:19:51,031
It turned out to be
a wild party.
1033
01:19:53,678 --> 01:19:57,135
Here. Dunk your whiskers
in this, sister.
1034
01:19:57,214 --> 01:20:00,447
You guys sure like your
sarsaparilla in this town.
1035
01:20:00,519 --> 01:20:02,452
Get her.
1036
01:20:02,520 --> 01:20:05,888
Shut your trap,
or I'll bite your ears off.
1037
01:20:05,957 --> 01:20:09,224
Keep your hands off me,
ya big palooka.
1038
01:20:09,295 --> 01:20:12,389
That was my first exposure
to New York intellectuals.
1039
01:20:13,766 --> 01:20:17,670
Gee, whiz. My first
sophisticated, New York party.
1040
01:20:17,739 --> 01:20:20,229
Which one
is Cole Porter?
1041
01:20:22,377 --> 01:20:26,815
When you realized that your
body had been rendered impure,
1042
01:20:26,882 --> 01:20:29,681
what did you do?
1043
01:20:29,753 --> 01:20:32,846
I made another
foolish blunder.
1044
01:20:32,922 --> 01:20:35,858
I married my high school
sweetheart, Ken.
1045
01:20:35,926 --> 01:20:38,725
My shameful affliction
was exposed at last...
1046
01:20:38,796 --> 01:20:42,128
when Ken began showing symptoms
of the disease.
1047
01:20:42,199 --> 01:20:44,827
Good-bye, honey.
I'm going to work.
1048
01:20:44,901 --> 01:20:47,371
Good-bye.
1049
01:20:49,708 --> 01:20:53,645
Ken, what's wrong?
My eyes.
1050
01:20:53,713 --> 01:20:56,648
Had my sinful ways
caught up with me?
1051
01:20:56,716 --> 01:20:59,618
Had I inflicted Ken
with my secret shame?
1052
01:21:01,857 --> 01:21:04,825
Ken's vision began
to affect his work.
1053
01:21:04,892 --> 01:21:10,354
Mike! Sorry!
1054
01:21:12,034 --> 01:21:14,935
Ah, today's
reckless youth,
1055
01:21:15,003 --> 01:21:18,375
with your fast roadsters
and your rumble seats.
1056
01:21:19,443 --> 01:21:24,176
I want to show you something,
Mary Brown, for your own good.
1057
01:21:24,248 --> 01:21:28,242
Take a look at the germs
that have ravaged your system.
1058
01:21:36,028 --> 01:21:38,895
Come now with me
to the clinic.
1059
01:21:48,009 --> 01:21:52,139
What you are going to see here
is not pleasant.
1060
01:21:52,213 --> 01:21:56,276
I didn't realize we had such
specialized clinics here in Iowa.
1061
01:21:56,353 --> 01:22:00,915
When science is on the march,
nothing can stand in its way.
1062
01:22:06,197 --> 01:22:08,392
Who is that
pitiful creature?
1063
01:22:08,466 --> 01:22:11,903
Let's call him...
1064
01:22:11,969 --> 01:22:13,905
Pete Jones.
1065
01:22:13,972 --> 01:22:17,999
Pete's first troubles were with
smoking cigarettes and drinking beer.
1066
01:22:18,076 --> 01:22:20,409
Weren't they, Pete?
1067
01:22:20,480 --> 01:22:23,609
Get back! We don't have any cigarettes!
1068
01:22:23,684 --> 01:22:25,618
Sad, isn't it?
1069
01:22:25,686 --> 01:22:28,951
I've seen enough,
Doctor! I know you have.
1070
01:22:29,022 --> 01:22:30,956
But have you?
1071
01:22:31,024 --> 01:22:33,756
Resist temptation,
or you may end up...
1072
01:22:33,829 --> 01:22:37,424
like Pete...
and Mary...
1073
01:22:37,500 --> 01:22:40,559
and Ken.
85838
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