Original subtitles

[whinnies]

Hello. I'm Mister Ed.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

Carol will be furious with me

for missing this town hall meeting tonight.

What am I going to tell her?

Tell her the truth.

You had to go chasing all over town to find me.

Oh, fine.

Hold it down, Wilbur.

Fine. I tell her that, I'll be sleeping in the barn with you tonight.

That's swell. I'll teach you how to sleep standing up.

I did not marry Carol

so I could spend my nights with you.

Oh, all right.

I've got a problem with a filly.

You've got a problem with your wife.

Let's run away together.

Ed, I do not like your attitude.

There's one thing I demand from my horse,

and that is respect.

- Well-- - Never mind.

I'll talk to you later.

Go back to your stall.

Yes, master.

Honey, look who's here. [laughs]

Look, honey. I'm awfully sorry about missing that town meeting,

but you know what happened?

Ed suddenly disappeared.

I had to go running all over town looking for him.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking that I'm lying.

Well, you're wrong.

I'm telling the truth,

and I must say that after years of marriage,

I'm a little disappointed in your doubting me.

Oh, you don't think I was chasing Ed, huh?

Think I was chasing after some dizzy little blonde, huh?

Oh, boy, that's great.

That's great.

Yeah, I come home, calm, apologetic,

willing to sit down and discuss this

like a reasonable human being,

and what do I find?

Instead I'm in the middle of an argument

and I can't even get a word in edgewise.

No-- no, please, enough of this bickering.

I can't stand this bickering, dear.

I'm going to put Ed away right now,

and if you want me to sleep in the barn,

that's okay with me.

Okay.

[sighs] Just like a wife.

Got to get the last word in, huh?

Yakkity, yakkity, yakkity, yak.

Now, look, Ed. I am tired of playing games.

Why did you leave the barn today?

Well, there's a new horse in the neighborhood

called Midnight.

Yeah?

He's been stealing my fillies,

and I went over to kick him around a little.

And what happened?

Nothing. He's bigger than I am.

That big, huh?

Next to him I look like a poodle.

Hm, well, this horse Midnight,

is he new in the neighborhood?

Yeah, he belongs to Clint Eastwood,

that TV star who rides bareback.

Mr. Eastwood does not ride bareback.

Then why do they call his show Rawhide?

That's very good, very good.

So Midnight has been stealing your fillies, huh?

Yeah, they go for these tall, dark, handsome horses.

Blonds seem to be out of style.

Well, nothing we can do about it, Ed.

You've got to get Clint Eastwood

to move out of this neighborhood, Wilbur,

or I'll wind up an old bachelor.

Look, I'm not going to get Clint Eastwood to move anywhere.

[phone rings]

[Mister Ed] Don't answer that, Wilbur.

Why not?

We've got a party line now,

and two rings are for the other party.

A party-- since when?

Well, the phone company called

and asked if we'd mind sharing our line for a week,

and I said okay.

That's mighty big of you, Ed.

There's a shortage of circuits since the storm, Wilbur,

and I believe in helping a fellow human being

in a time of need.

You're also a snooper who loves to listen in on conversations.

[chuckles] Yeah, that, too.

Are you sure you didn't arrange this whole thing?

Oh, no, Wilbur, of course not.

Good night, Wilbur.

Good night, snooper.

Party line. [groans]

Well, so this is where you are.

Hi, Rog. Look, I'm awfully sorry

I missed that town hall meeting tonight,

but how did it go?

Oh, fine, fine.

We decided to put on a show

to help raise money for the new youth center,

and guess who was appointed

chairman of the entertainment committee.

It's you, huh?

- You. - Me?

I wasn't even there.

That's why you got the job. No one else volunteered.

Who suggested me?

Well--

Oh, don't tell me.

Somebody who has it in for me,

wants to see me breaking my back

over a thankless job, huh?

That's right. Your wife.

Carol?

She knows I'd never handle a job like this.

Relax, my boy. Relax. This is a very important job,

so they've appointed a co-chairman

to help you round up the entertainment.

Who's my cochairman?

Me.

I went out for a glass of water,

and when I returned,

%ó my dear wife had already put the knife in my back,

but we'll be able to put on some kind of a show.

All you have to do is write the play.

The play? What play?

Someone in the audience thought it would be a good idea

and suggested your name as the writer.

Oh, look, Rog, I'm an architect. I'm not a writer.

What nut suggested me?

Your wife.

I'm lucky they weren't looking for volunteers for the Foreign Legion.

If they were, you'd be on a camel now.

Oh, hey, Wilbur.

We'd better have that play by this weekend

if we're going to learn our parts in time.

We? Oh, Rog, we're not actors.

[sighs] Dare I ask who suggested us?

The charter members of Murder Incorporated--

our wives.

Wasn't even at the meeting.

Boy, you really got me into trouble.

I've only got a few days to write a play,

and-- and-- and--

and you're going to help me.

With what?

With the play.

Well, will you talk to Eastwood about getting rid of his horse?

Of course not.

How can I do that?

He'll be sorry.

Just wait till Eastwood finds out I'm his party line.

There will be one party less in his neighborhood.

- Hello? - Mule head.

Who is this?

[chuckles]

Good morning, Mr. Eastwood.

Hi, Katie.

Say, this scene's still giving me a little trouble.

- You mind cuing me again? - Oh, sure.

I memorized the lines this morning, Mr. Eastwood.

- Shoot. - Good.

You don't know what you're asking me, Little Rain Cloud.

I can't stay here with you.

Mr. Favor's depending on me.

But my people need you, too,

and I need you.

I need you like earth need rain

and flower need sun.

You'll forget me in time, Little Rain Cloud.

All it will do is just take a little time, honest.

Me never forget you.

If you stay here,

you be first white chief of tribe,

and I be proud to have you by my side.

Oh, Little Rain Cloud,

your people would never accept me,

and in time you'd hate me yourself.

[grunts]

Hm, that line isn't in the script.

I know.

Little Rain Cloud ad lib a little.

[phone rings]

Two rings. That's us.

Big White ch-- uh,

Mr. Eastwood's residence.

Yes.

Just a moment.

A Mr. Stanley Darrow.

Stanley Darrow?

- Some day-- - Hey, Katie--

Hello, Mr. Darrow?

Mr. Eastwood, the reason I'm calling,

we have a big feature coming up soon,

and I thought you might be interested in the staring role.

It's a great script.

Do you think you could get about six weeks off from your TV series?

Six weeks? Well, I could sure try and manage that, sir.

But you couldn't afford me, you cheap old windbag.

What did you say?

I didn't say anything.

Well, are you interested, Eastwood?

Yes, sir, I-- yes, I'm definitely interested, Mr. Darrow.

But if you ever show your ugly puss on the set,

I'll quit.

Who's on the other end of this line?

[chuckles]

What's the matter, Mr. Eastwood?

Some smart joker on that party line's giving me a hard time.

- I'm going to find out who it is. - [phone rings]

No, wait a minute. I'll get that.

Hello?

Darling? What's the matter?

Oh, hi, baby doll.

I'm just having a little bit of a problem here. That's all.

Well, don't be mad at me.

Sweetie, I miss you.

I miss you, too, sweet talker.

What time you want me to pick you up tonight?

Listen, little girl.

If you're smart, you'll cut this con artist off right now.

He's been promising to marry my daughter

for over a year.

Wha-- that's awful.

Look--

[laughs]

Ha ha ha!

I almost got carried away that time.

When I find out who that guy is,

I'm going to break his back.

Hello, give me the business offices, will you?

Honey, I'm trying to write the play, but it's pretty hard.

I'm sure Tennessee Williams didn't have to get his own breakfast.

Good morning, Carol. How's Wilbur?

Wilbur who?

Well.

I trust you had a good night's rest on the couch?

- Whose side are you on anyway? - Yours.

I always root for the underdog,

and I've never seen a dog who looked more under.

I'm going out to get some fresh air.

Play isn't coming very fast.

How far have you got?

First word of the title.

[doorbell rings]

Yeah?

- Are you Wilbur Post? - That's right.

How would you like a punch in the face?

The things they're selling door to door these days.

You must be making some mistake, fella. I don't know you.

Look, I'm the guy in your party line,

and don't tell me you didn't play that practical joke on me.

What practical joke?

Wait a minute.

Come to think of it,

his voice was a little deeper than yours.

What voice? Look, I don't even know who you are.

Say,

aren't you Clint Eastwood?

Yeah, that's right.

Who's voice is lower? What practical joke?

My wife and I watch you every week on Rawhide.

Oh, we think it's a wonderful show.

Well, thank you, sir.

My name is Roger Addison.

I believe you've met Wilbur Post?

Say, could I have your autograph?

My wife likes to save those things.

Sure.

[exhales] You were taking an awful chance there, fella.

I don't like practical jokes,

and I don't like people coming to my house

and pushing me around.

Please, Wilbur, if you want to cry, go outside.

There's evidently been some mistake.

Yeah? What would you say if I came over to your house

and started to rough you up?

Uh, well, I'd say that was trick photography.

Well put, partner.

Why don't you take your quick tongue out for a slow walk.

Mr. Post, some guy got on our party line

and caused me to loose a very big picture job,

lied to my girlfriend,

and I thought it was you,

but it evidently wasn't.

- Now, will you forgive me? - Uh, yeah, yeah.

Did you say that this fellow's voice was lower?

Yeah, very low.

You got any idea who that might be?

Uh, maybe, yeah.

Could be some character I know

who likes to horse around a lot.

Excuse me.

We can go downtown after lunch.

All right, sweetie.

Clint Eastwood. [gasps]

Oh, Addison, you doll, you got Mr. Eastwood for our show.

Well, not exactly, my dear.

You see, Mr. Eastwood is new in the neighborhood,

and he just dropped by to pay a social call.

Mr. Eastwood, may I present my wife Kay and Carol Post?

- How do you do, Mr. Eastwood. - Hi, Kay, how are you?

Oh, we watch you every week on television.

Oh, yes, I just love that one last week

where that wealthy woman from Texas

fell in love with you.

[Kay] Yes, she wore such stunning jewels.

Do you know where she bought them?

Do you suppose you could get us some tickets of your show being filmed?

Oh, that would be exciting.

I've never seen a television show being filmed before.

Ed, somebody got on Mr. Eastwood's party line

and made them lose a big job.

Any idea who that practical joker might be?

Duh-- Uh, maybe Addison?

Maybe Ed?

No, I vote for sourpuss Addison.

Uh-huh.

Well, this has all the earmarks of an inside job,

and you had the opportunity,

the motive, and the telephone.

Come on, Ed, admit it.

This is America.

You can't make a horse testify against himself.

On account of you, Carol isn't speaking to me.

I've got to finish writing a play in a couple of days

that I can't even start,

and just now Clint Eastwood roughed me up.

Please, holler, but don't hit.

You promise me that you will leave Mr. Eastwood alone.

Okay, I promise.

Good, I--

You don't mean it. You've got your hooves crossed.

Now say "I promise."

- I promise. - That's better.

Gee.

Let's see now.

Act 1, scene 1, page 1.

Stuck again.

[humming]

Oh.

Hee-ya!

[screams]

[crying]

What's going on in here? What happened?

Oh, that monster.

Monster?

Oh, no, I don't mean-- Look.

Come on, Katie, just take it easy.

Sit down, relax a minute.

I'll look around.

[knock on door]

Come in.

Hello, Mr. Post.

Oh, Mr. Eastwood, come in. Come in.

Mr. Post, I need your help.

Well, anything I can do to help a neighbor.

Won't you sit down?

Thanks.

Now, what seems to be the problem?

Horses.

[door bangs]

Horses, huh?

I don't have any trouble with horses.

I have other problems.

Oh, have you?

Like trying to write a play.

Look, Clint,

if I help you with your problem,

will you help me with mine?

Well, yeah if I can, but I came here to talk about a horse.

Having trouble with your horse, huh?

Who said anything about my horse?

You did.

I don't remember anything about--

Look here, Post.

Ever since I've moved into this neighborhood,

I've been having nothing but trouble,

and now to top it all off,

your horse has scared my housekeeper clean out of her wits.

In fact she's threatened to quit on me.

My horse scared her?

That's right, your horse.

Oh, no, you must be mistaken.

No, Mr. Ed would never do a thing like that.

I'm not mistaken.

I saw him. I followed him right over here.

I think he needs some discipline.

I've got a little experience with animals.

I could work with him a few days a week, help you train him.

- Discipline Ed? - Yeah.

Look, that's very kind of you,

but I don't want to impose.

No imposition at all.

Come on, boy.

I don't think I would try this today, Clint.

Why not? I can handle him.

Well, some days he acts a little different than he does other days.

I have a feeling that--

I'll ride him around the neighborhood,

work him out a little for you.

[grunts]

I told you he wouldn't learn anything.

About this play that we're doing for charity.

Oh, he'll learn.

You know, horses who act this way

are usually pretty smart.

In fact, you should have seen Midnight at first.

He's so well trained now, though,

the studio insisted on buying him from me,

They want to ship him off to Europe for a big picture.

Then you don't have any horse at your place, huh?

No. I'm getting another one tomorrow, though.

Pretty little filly, 2-year-old.

See? He likes you.

How about that?

Remember, Clint, you promised to help me with my problem

if I helped you with yours.

I thought I just did that.

Oh, you mean the little play you were writing?

Yeah, little is right.

The way it's going, it's only going to have two words-- "The End."

Tell me, Wilbur, are you a writer?

If I am, that typewriter can sue me for non-support.

I'll tell you what.

I have a little Western sketch at home

that I've been saving for a benefit performance.

Oh, is it written for four people?

No, nine,

but that's all right. It's a Western.

We can kill off five of them in the first few seconds.

Wonderful.

What's the story all about?

Well, you know, a typical Western--

boy finds horse, boy loses horse,

boy meets girl, boy still wants horse.

- Story of my marriage. - Hm?

My wife and I are always having a little tiff over my horse.

She hasn't spoken to me since last night.

You know, Wilbur, I think I might have an idea

on how you two can patch it up.

Oh, how?

Well, you just leave things to your new director.

New director.

Yeah. One thing we specialize in our business,

and that's happy endings.

[grunts]

You know I don't go for any gunplay in my saloon, Sheriff,

so I'd appreciate it if you'd wait for Black Bart outside.

Oh, I'm so afraid that Tex is going to be gunned down by Black Bart.

Carol...

do you really think I look my part?

Perfect, Kay.

You know, you've got great legs.

I didn't win Addison with my cooking.

But I still think you should be playing the part, Carol.

Oh, no, I can't play Wilbur's girlfriend.

How can I kiss a man when I'm not speaking to him?

I've been doing it for 20 years, sweetie.

Oh, Kay,

you know you and Roger are crazy about each other.

Yeah, but that's the only thing that's holding our marriage together.

[Clint Eastwood] Well.

Well.

Gee, you look terrific, Kay.

Thank you, Wilbur.

You look-- You look very beautiful in that outfit, Carol.

Thank you.

When do we start, Clint?

Right away, but we can't have a Western without our killer.

Where's Black Bart Addison? Isn't he dressed yet?

He was dressed hours ago.

When I left him, the killer was in the garden spraying his apples.

Addison, we're ready!

[Addison] Coming, Kay.

I reckon I don't have to tell you my name, Sheriff.

No. I hear you're the fastest spray gun in town.

All right, I hope we haven't forgotten anything from our last rehearsal.

Killer, I think you better wait in the kitchen until you hear your cue.

- Cue? - Cue.

Oh, yeah, sure.

Maybe I'll kill a roast beef sandwich while I'm waiting.

All right, places, everyone.

[Eastwood] All right, curtain.

Howdy, Miss Flossie.

Oh, Tex, you promised me you wouldn't come in here today.

You don't stand a chance against Black Bart.

Don't worry, missy ma'am.

I can take care of him.

[Eastwood] Hold it.

What did we do, something wrong?

No, Kay, it's just

that you're not the type to be playing

the Sheriff's girl.

I'm thinking of switching parts.

You mean you want me to play Flossie?

Carol, why don't you try Flossie's lines.

But-- But-- But I-- I-- I--

- Kay, you don't mind, do you? - Of course not, sweetie.

- Carol, come on just over here. - But, Clint, I can't.

- No, you can stand right over here. - I can't do it.

No problem.

- You ready, Sheriff? - Ready.

Okay, curtain.

Howdy, Miss Flossie.

Tex, you promised me you wouldn't come in today.

You don't stand a chance against Black Bart.

No.

No, Carol, you have to stand closer to him.

Hold him. Hold him, that's it.

Forget you're married. Pretend you love him.

Don't you worry about me, missy ma'am.

I can take care of him.

Come on, Carol, next line.

But I love you so much.

Now you kiss him.

Come on, Carol. Come on, kiss him.

Go ahead. Go ahead, kiss him.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to wipe out a gang of bugs on my apples.

Here's your lunch, Sheriff.

Oh, thanks, Flossie.

Oh, honey, the play went over great.

Everybody loved it,

and you were the hit of the evening.

Oh, no, you were the hit of the evening.

Oh, no, you were.

No, I don't want to sleep on that couch again tonight.

You were the hit of the evening.

Well, I've got some work to do.

[Mister Ed laughing]

What are you laughing at?

I met Clint Eastwood's filly last night.

I was the hit of the evening.

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And no one can talk to a horse, of course ♪

♪ That is, of course, unless the horse ♪

♪ Is the famous Mister Ed ♪

♪ Go right to the source and ask the horse ♪

♪ He'll give you the answer ♪

♪ That you'll endorse ♪

♪ He's always on a steady course ♪

♪ Talk to Mister Ed ♪

♪ People yakkity-yak a streak ♪

♪ And waste your time of day ♪

♪ But Mister Ed will never speak ♪

♪ Unless he has something to say ♪

♪ A horse is a horse, of course, of course ♪

♪ And this one will talk till his voice is hoarse ♪

♪ You never heard of a talking horse? ♪

♪ Well, listen to this ♪

[Mister Ed] ♪ I am Mister Ed ♪

Closed-Captioned By J.R. Media Services, Inc. Burbank, CA