Original subtitles

Well, that was fun.

Amy, you all right?

I don't know.

What's up?

I think I just thought that I would be

more like the focal point?

Huh. Were you not the focal point?

No. No, definitely not.

Like, I just... It never even occurred to me

that you would be penetrating Phil.

Did I do that?

- For sure? - Yes. Yes.

I thought you felt comfortable with Phil.

I do. I usually do.

Phil...

Look, you've been our pharmacist how long?

Three years? Okay?

We moved closer to another CVS.

I said, "Let's stick with Phil," didn't I?

- Okay? - She did.

Maybe I'm being oversensitive, but, God, I don't think so.

I don't think so.

What's the problem, Amy?

I had an orgasm.

Probably the biggest one I've ever had in my life.

You, Phil?

I didn't. I didn't even come close.

Nobody touched me.

I went to the bathroom at one point.

You guys didn't even realize.

No, it's too late, Phil.

I just wish you hadn't been yelling,

"This feels so right."

Okay, how do you know I wasn't talking about you?

This feels so right with you, Phil!

Phil! Phil! Phil!

Okay.

I'm penetrating Phil!

I'll tell you something... Men are not good at planning.

Can we just agree on that? I have learned that.

They are not good at planning unless

it's for a threesome, right?

Then they become fucking event planners.

I'm like, "Why are you wearing a headset

and holding a clipboard?

Is that the 'Braveheart' soundtrack?

I don't, uh..."

Dylan, great job

on the "30 Ways to Know You're 20 Pounds Overweight" article.

I heard most girls were crying by number seven.

All right, next order of shizz,

We're still 80 tips away from being done

with "500 Hottest Sex Tips."

Start pitching.

What if, while you're going down on him, you take a feather,

and you gently tickle the space behind his balls?

Hunter, it's sex tips to drive him wild,

not drive him mild.

That's hilarious. Did you guys hear what I said?

Okay, write that down.

Actually, just put it right on the blog.

I don't want people to have to wait for that.

Okay, Lenore, go.

So you dress like a Boy Scout but only from the bottom down,

and then you sit on his knee and queef.

Interesting. I like it. More.

Take a 5-Hour Energy and pour it inside your vagina

right before you have sex.

Where's your office? I'm moving it closer to mine.

Spin me around.

What if you take a pumice stone

and you hold it over an open flame for like an hour

and then you gently grate it up and down his shaft?

Wow. Love it.

Okay, guys, we need 75 more. And don't be lazy.

So far the pumice stone's my favorite.

You put his penis in a glory hole.

You begin to stroke it.

You take a mouthful of cum from his three best friends

and then you shoot it in his face until he explodes?

Hmm.

What about a sawed-off shotgun?

You could take it and rub it up and down his neck

till he's super hard.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Bridget.

You look like a sad emoticon.

Give me something.

Okay.

Okay, how 'bout this?

You fall in love with a stockbroker,

you know, because it really seems like

he wants to get married.

And then you're together at the Chipotle,

and his friends from work show up,

and he pretends like you're busing the table.

So, what do you do?

You pick up his basket. You clear his table.

You wipe it.

And then you say, "Can I get you anything else?"

And you know what he says?

He says, "Yeah, could you freshen our drinks?"

So you freshen everybody's drinks.

Then you go back into the kitchen,

you take somebody's card, you clock out,

you go home, and then what do you do?

You pour yourself a bottle of chardonnay

and you sit on the toilet.

And then you start playing Words With Friends with Lenore.

And then you just go and you get into bed...

and then he explodes?

What's happening over here?

What's happening in this sectsh?

Bridget is going through a breakup.

You don't know what I'm going through.

Okay, she's a ticking time bomb.

Somebody top her off.

I'm not hearing sex tips.

What, are we hanging out? Are you guys my friends?

- No. - No.

You wait till he finds out his dad's been diagnosed

with prostate cancer.

Then, while he's crying, you put one finger...

two fingers up his butt until he explodes?

I have one.

Make eye contact?

You're a cunt. Fan me.

How about go to Trader Joe's

and buy an Amy's frozen Indian dinner.

Then smear it all over his genitals

in slow circles clockwise

and then counterclockwise.

I tried that.

And it works. Okay?

You're fired. That eye-contact thing was ridic.

Get out.

Guys, this article is gonna cause a baby boom.

We're doing God's work.

2,000 men are suing Glamo magazine for emotional damages,

claiming their sex tips

are at least partially responsible for the fact

that they were bizarrely raped by their girlfriends.

We spoke to one of the plaintiffs.

I came here today because I don't want anyone

to ever have to go through what I went through.

I bet you guys didn't know that you can, uh,

fit a Hanukkah candle in your pee hole.

Well, guess what, Glamo magazine.

You can't!

Now I have to piss in a bag.

What's your best sex tip?

I'm Taurus, so I'm kind of a sensual lover.

So I'm, like, you know...

I'm really passionate.

Did you guys just hear that? My underwear just fell off.

Do you have any good sex tips?

Biting.

Biting is good.

- Are you sure? - Yeah.

G-spot. Very important.

- Hook the fingers. - You got to work the G-spot.

- Like, "Come over here." - It's important, yes.

"I'll take the check,

but I first want to order something else first."

There are a lot of workshops you can take.

- I know, but I'm so lazy. - Yeah.

What's your best sex tip?

I'd say flick your tongue very quickly.

If he's uncut and the skin covers the tip of the penis,

when he withdraws the penis

he becomes very sensitive, so...

You know, men fake orgasms. Did you know that?

Did you know that?

Probably not with you, you gorgeous sunflower.

But with this tulip...

I'm sure everyone fucks you to completion, but this...

this petunia...

A guy faking an orgasm. It's so funny.

I was dating this guy and, uh, we were in New Orleans,

and we were wasted.

We were having sex, and it was disgusting.

It was just like two seals batting at each other's...

"Enh!" Just drunken hams high-fiving.

It was awful. And, uh...

And he was obviously done with our shared experience

'cause he faked an orgasm.

And like, men, you're not allowed to fake it.

You're not allowed.

There's hard evidence if it doesn't happen.

I'm like, "Oh, do you come magic now?

Wow. Where is it?"

You can't. Especially if it's your girlfriend.

Like, we know the noises you make.

We don't know the faces you make

because that's something you look at once by accident.

It's like looking into the sun.

You're like, "Ow! Never again."

That is a one-time kind of mistake.

But we do... We know your noises.

So this guy, we're having gross sex,

and he lets out this fake weird noise

he's never made before, like,

"Bluh-uh-uh-uh-uh!"

I'm like, "Is your dick haunted all of a sudden?

That's amazing."

Welcome to "How Will This Relationship End?"

The dating game show where two sexual women

guess how their relationship

with three eligible bachelors might end.

Let's meet our contestants.

Amy, tell us a little bit about yourself.

Okay, um, well, I'm... I'm 31 years old.

I'm from Columbus, Ohio.

And I enjoy repeating the same mistakes

over and over again and never growing.

Fun!

Larissa, I understand you're from Indiana?

That's right.

And romantically I do have a type,

and that's anyone who reminds me of my dad.

Ho ho! Papa, can you hear me?

Okay, let's play. Here's our first bachelor.

Hi. My name's Brent.

I'm an accountant from Atlanta.

So, Amy, how do you see this relationship ending?

Okay, uh, we'll go on three terrible dates,

and, uh, he'll make me order appetizers as entrées.

And even though I'm mildly disgusted by him,

it'll bother me that I never hear from him again.

I could believe that.

Larissa.

Uh, I think we'd probably go out for about two months,

and then I would discover that he writes movie reviews

for a white supremacist website.

Let's see what Brent has to say.

My favorite movie was "Lincoln."

I thought Daniel Day-Lewis was incredible

as that war criminal.

Perfect ending.

- Larissa, you're on the board! - Whoo!

Let's meet our next bachelor.

Hey. My name Is Ryan.

I'm from the Bronx, and I work at Fill-A-Bear.

A lot of people mishear that as Build-a-Bear.

But Fill-a-Bear is different.

See, I empty out old teddy bears,

and then I sell the carcasses to Build-A-Bear.

Larissa.

Well, first of all, I will fall in love with Brent

because he looks like my dad,

uh, which will cause me to turn into a hoarder like my mother.

10 seconds, Larissa.

Oh, uh, and then, uh, we'll have a huge fight one day

when he throws out one of my treasures...

an umbrella that says "Advil" on it...

and then he walks out of my life forever

and I call my dad?

Amy.

Okay, after dating for about six months

I accidentally get pregnant.

And even though we're not really together anymore,

he won't let me get an abortion?

Good answer.

Well, let's see what Ryan has to say.

I would never pay child support. But I'm strongly pro-life.

Don't argue with me,

'cause I'm not smart enough to defend my position.

Yankees rule!

- Amy, you nailed it. - Yes!

Let's check out our final bachelor.

I work at the Apple Genius Bar.

Amy, how do you see this ending?

Okay, um, I think I've got this one, Tom.

Uh, we'll date for about eight months,

and then I'll open a folder on his desktop

labeled "football stuff"

and find 400 photos of Daniel Radcliffe.

Amy, I'm gonna stop you right there.

You're absolutely right!

Yes, yes, yes! It's happened a lot.

I'm gay.

Congratulations, Amy. You win!

Yes!

Join us next week for another episode of "How..."

Hey, Dad, it's me.

Well, I lost, just like you said I would.

Yeah. I can call you back later.

And now the epic finale of "Love Tub."

The two remaining bachelorettes

prepare for their final date with Ben.

I just really wish

that we didn't have to go on this last date as a threesome.

There's enough of him to go around.

I just don't like to share Ben with anyone.

When I just said that, I mean, I'm talking about his dick.

Oh!

It's like so... It's like, Uh-ya-ya-ya-ya! Ding!

Uh-ya-ya-ya-ya! Ding!

Like, corn... like eating corn and a typewriter.

You guys slept together already?

No. No.

No?

I mean, yeah, like what do you consider sleeping together?

It's like, you know, who cares?

I mean, isn't that what this show is? Like, what...

No.

I just want to start off our last night with a toast

to the two most beautiful...

You know what? I'm, like, not in a champagne mood. I'm sorry.

Like, can I just get a cranberry vodka?

I'm like more than flirting with a yeast right now.

When I pee, it's like somebody's blowing glass down there.

Thank you. Cool. Coolio. You're the best.

Okay, go. You, you, you.

Like, this is about you, not this.

To the two most beautiful, classy women.

I'm so thankful

I've had the chance to go on this journey with you both.

- So, cheers. - Cheers.

Cheers, queers.

Sorry! Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.

Like, not totally my fault. I'm sorry.

They're like, "Whuuh!" So...

But, seriously, can I just get one more of those, like...

but, like, vodka.

It's, like, we're all adults, so...

Tonight I have an incredibly hard decision to make

about who I want to escort into the Love Tub.

- So I... - Like, when is it lice?

Like, legwise.

Oh, Amy, you have an amazing spirit.

I'd never even heard of the game leaky submarine until I met you.

Mm!

- What's leaky submarine? - He plugs all my holes.

Yeah.

I thought I'd ask you both

about your dreams for the future.

My dream for the future is

right now if somebody brings us some curly fries.

Right? It's like, that'd be good.

To soak up all the booze.

We're just, like, drinking,

and it's like... Ugh! Perfect storm.

Tiffany, if I ask you to join me in the Love Tub,

would you be willing to move to Utah

to start our lives together?

Yes. I grew up around horses.

When I ride, I feel like I'm flying.

Amy...

Moving on.

Tiffany, what do you think is the secret

to a lasting relationship?

My parents have been married for over 40 years,

and they taught me that the key ingredients

are trust and respect.

That's so beautiful.

What do you think, Amy?

Okay, well, I think I...

m-maybe I might have told you this at one point,

but I dated this guy Ricky for like

Five months, okay?

Real piece of shit.

He was, like, my dealer,

and then he wasn't, and then he was.

Da da-da da-da. He made out with my sister.

She's a slut.

She would be, like, amazing on this show.

If they're doing the next one.

Tiffany.

Amy.

I've never had to make a harder choice.

You are both...

I'm sorry.

Did we actually order curly fries

or, like, where do we stand

with that whole situation right now?

Whew.

Okay, they have the fries.

They're just not bringing 'em because we're filming.

Like, no one cares. It's fine.

Like, it's fine? It's fine? It's fine.

I've made my decision.

Tiffany...

Would you please join me in the Love Tub?

Yes! Yes!

Yeah.

Congratulations.

Are we going to see Ben right now?

No, Ben's in the Love Tub with Tiffany.

He chose her.

Yeah, right, he chose her.

He would never choose her. She's a... She's a bitch.

She's dumb.

She looks like...

One time in this lighting, I was like, "Eww!

"Oh, Tiffany, you're... Eww!"

Can somebody hold my hair?

Okay, guys, I know I said some bad things about you,

but please hold my hair.

I'm okay.

Okay, I am superexcited. You guys were amazing.

I'm so proud to be bringing up the final act.

She's my good friend, and we are on the road now together.

We get to travel together.

You know who she is.

She is incredible.

My friend, my hero... Bridget Everett.

I know a lot of you look up here,

you say, "There's a woman that's really got her shit together."

I get it, you know?

Great tits, nice trim ankles, voice of an angel.

But if I'm being honest, you know,

I got some problems.

There was a time when I went through what I'd like to call

a transitional phase, you know?

Back in the '80s, my nipples came in.

Not my titties, but my nipples.

My brothers went around school,

and they got everybody to call me little nippy-titty,

little nippy-titty, little nippy-titty.

My mom said, "What's wrong?" I said, "Nothing."

And then she sat down next to me.

She put her hand down the back of my pants.

Not in a fucked-up way

but just 'cause I got real soft skin, you know?

She said, "What's wrong?"

I said, "Well, Brock and Brian got everybody at school

calling me little nippy-titty."

You know what she said?

You want to know what she said?

♪ Ooh ooh-ooh-ooh, don't you cry ♪

And then she said, "Come with me.

Let's have a drink, hit the track."

She said, "Bridget..."

She said, "Bridget, you're a woman now.

You got to stand tall

and be proud of what your mama gave you.

Do you hear me?"

♪ You got them little nippy-titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ She got them tube-sock titties ♪

♪ She put 'em in the air ♪

♪ I got these beaver-tail titties ♪

♪ I put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them low-riding titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them Cracker Jack titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them rubber-ducky titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them fuck-me little titties, yeah ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them meatball titties, ow! ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them health-insurance titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ And then we bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You got them slingshot titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them big mama titties, unh! ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them slip-and-slide titties, ow! ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ You got them ugly-sweater titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them mama's girl titties ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ You got them Nurse Jackie titties... I don't know ♪

♪ Put 'em in the air ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ And then we bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪

♪ You got them triple-threat, peach-pit ♪

♪ Jersey girl titties ♪

♪ Wolfman Jack, caveman, lumberjack titties ♪

♪ Pussy eatin', fire hose, slipshod titties ♪

♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up, put 'em up ♪

♪ And then we bounce ♪

You guys, we did it!

It's like Cancun. Triplicate!

- Oh! - Just sit on my face.

Cut.

"Sweetie"? That's my nickname.

Okay, Phil, would you mind leaving, please?

Can... Please, can he leave, please?

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.

You're freaking out.

Too many "heys."