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1
00:00:09,009 --> 00:00:10,169
Well, that was fun.
2
00:00:11,277 --> 00:00:13,074
Amy, you all right?
3
00:00:14,214 --> 00:00:15,909
I don't know.
4
00:00:18,084 --> 00:00:18,982
What's up?
5
00:00:19,085 --> 00:00:20,985
I think I just thought
that I would be
6
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:23,419
more like the focal point?
7
00:00:23,523 --> 00:00:26,458
Huh.
Were you not the focal point?
8
00:00:26,559 --> 00:00:28,925
No.
No, definitely not.
9
00:00:29,029 --> 00:00:31,589
Like, I just... It never
even occurred to me
10
00:00:31,698 --> 00:00:34,929
that you would be
penetrating Phil.
11
00:00:37,170 --> 00:00:38,432
Did I do that?
12
00:00:38,538 --> 00:00:39,903
- For sure?
- Yes. Yes.
13
00:00:40,006 --> 00:00:41,584
I thought you felt comfortable
with Phil.
14
00:00:41,608 --> 00:00:43,508
I do.
I usually do.
15
00:00:43,610 --> 00:00:44,872
Phil...
16
00:00:44,978 --> 00:00:46,912
Look, you've been
our pharmacist how long?
17
00:00:47,013 --> 00:00:48,173
Three years? Okay?
18
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:49,839
We moved closer to another CVS.
19
00:00:49,949 --> 00:00:51,883
I said, "Let's stick with Phil,"
didn't I?
20
00:00:51,985 --> 00:00:53,111
- Okay?
- She did.
21
00:00:53,219 --> 00:00:56,154
Maybe I'm being oversensitive,
but, God, I don't think so.
22
00:00:56,256 --> 00:00:57,746
I don't think so.
23
00:00:59,726 --> 00:01:01,455
What's the problem, Amy?
24
00:01:01,561 --> 00:01:02,721
I had an orgasm.
25
00:01:02,829 --> 00:01:04,573
Probably the biggest one
I've ever had in my life.
26
00:01:04,597 --> 00:01:06,861
You, Phil?
27
00:01:06,966 --> 00:01:09,127
I didn't.
I didn't even come close.
28
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:10,532
Nobody touched me.
29
00:01:10,637 --> 00:01:12,195
I went to the bathroom
at one point.
30
00:01:12,305 --> 00:01:13,499
You guys didn't even realize.
31
00:01:13,606 --> 00:01:15,267
No, it's too late, Phil.
32
00:01:15,375 --> 00:01:16,775
I just wish
you hadn't been yelling,
33
00:01:16,843 --> 00:01:18,970
"This feels so right."
34
00:01:19,079 --> 00:01:22,207
Okay, how do you know
I wasn't talking about you?
35
00:01:23,950 --> 00:01:27,215
This feels so right
with you, Phil!
36
00:01:27,320 --> 00:01:30,483
Phil! Phil! Phil!
37
00:01:30,590 --> 00:01:31,682
Okay.
38
00:01:31,791 --> 00:01:34,225
I'm penetrating Phil!
39
00:01:44,003 --> 00:01:47,336
I'll tell you something...
Men are not good at planning.
40
00:01:47,407 --> 00:01:49,051
Can we just agree on that?
I have learned that.
41
00:01:49,075 --> 00:01:51,236
They are not good
at planning unless
42
00:01:51,344 --> 00:01:53,812
it's for a threesome, right?
43
00:01:53,913 --> 00:01:57,212
Then they become fucking
event planners.
44
00:01:57,317 --> 00:01:59,877
I'm like, "Why are you
wearing a headset
45
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:01,419
and holding a clipboard?
46
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,954
Is that the 'Braveheart'
soundtrack?
47
00:02:05,058 --> 00:02:06,184
I don't, uh..."
48
00:02:09,129 --> 00:02:10,926
Dylan, great job
49
00:02:11,030 --> 00:02:13,692
on the "30 Ways to Know You're
20 Pounds Overweight" article.
50
00:02:13,800 --> 00:02:16,166
I heard most girls were crying
by number seven.
51
00:02:16,269 --> 00:02:17,480
All right, next order of shizz,
52
00:02:17,504 --> 00:02:19,495
We're still 80 tips away
from being done
53
00:02:19,606 --> 00:02:21,039
with "500 Hottest Sex Tips."
54
00:02:21,141 --> 00:02:22,199
Start pitching.
55
00:02:22,308 --> 00:02:24,799
What if, while you're going down
on him, you take a feather,
56
00:02:24,911 --> 00:02:27,880
and you gently tickle
the space behind his balls?
57
00:02:27,981 --> 00:02:30,313
Hunter, it's sex tips
to drive him wild,
58
00:02:30,416 --> 00:02:31,747
not drive him mild.
59
00:02:34,220 --> 00:02:36,245
That's hilarious.
Did you guys hear what I said?
60
00:02:38,725 --> 00:02:40,090
Okay, write that down.
61
00:02:40,193 --> 00:02:41,570
Actually, just put it
right on the blog.
62
00:02:41,594 --> 00:02:43,105
I don't want people
to have to wait for that.
63
00:02:43,129 --> 00:02:44,357
Okay, Lenore, go.
64
00:02:44,464 --> 00:02:47,262
So you dress like a Boy Scout
but only from the bottom down,
65
00:02:47,367 --> 00:02:49,028
and then you sit on his knee
and queef.
66
00:02:49,135 --> 00:02:52,127
Interesting.
I like it. More.
67
00:02:52,238 --> 00:02:54,433
Take a 5-Hour Energy
and pour it inside your vagina
68
00:02:54,541 --> 00:02:55,633
right before you have sex.
69
00:02:55,742 --> 00:02:57,835
Where's your office?
I'm moving it closer to mine.
70
00:02:57,944 --> 00:02:58,968
Spin me around.
71
00:02:59,078 --> 00:03:00,568
What if you take a pumice stone
72
00:03:00,680 --> 00:03:04,377
and you hold it over
an open flame for like an hour
73
00:03:04,484 --> 00:03:07,783
and then you gently grate it
up and down his shaft?
74
00:03:07,887 --> 00:03:09,286
Wow. Love it.
75
00:03:09,389 --> 00:03:13,018
Okay, guys, we need 75 more.
And don't be lazy.
76
00:03:13,126 --> 00:03:14,889
So far the pumice stone's
my favorite.
77
00:03:14,994 --> 00:03:16,461
You put his penis
in a glory hole.
78
00:03:16,563 --> 00:03:17,689
You begin to stroke it.
79
00:03:17,797 --> 00:03:20,322
You take a mouthful of cum
from his three best friends
80
00:03:20,433 --> 00:03:22,765
and then you shoot it
in his face until he explodes?
81
00:03:22,869 --> 00:03:24,302
Hmm.
82
00:03:24,404 --> 00:03:25,644
What about a sawed-off shotgun?
83
00:03:25,738 --> 00:03:27,968
You could take it
and rub it up and down his neck
84
00:03:28,074 --> 00:03:29,074
till he's super hard.
85
00:03:29,108 --> 00:03:31,576
Okay.
86
00:03:31,644 --> 00:03:33,805
Okay.
87
00:03:33,880 --> 00:03:35,609
Okay.
88
00:03:39,452 --> 00:03:40,452
Bridget.
89
00:03:42,121 --> 00:03:44,021
You look like a sad emoticon.
90
00:03:44,123 --> 00:03:45,021
Give me something.
91
00:03:45,124 --> 00:03:47,354
Okay.
92
00:03:47,460 --> 00:03:50,395
Okay, how 'bout this?
93
00:03:50,496 --> 00:03:52,464
You fall in love
with a stockbroker,
94
00:03:52,565 --> 00:03:54,192
you know, because it
really seems like
95
00:03:54,300 --> 00:03:55,597
he wants to get married.
96
00:03:55,702 --> 00:03:57,932
And then you're together
at the Chipotle,
97
00:03:58,037 --> 00:04:00,232
and his friends from work
show up,
98
00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:02,501
and he pretends like
you're busing the table.
99
00:04:02,609 --> 00:04:03,769
So, what do you do?
100
00:04:03,876 --> 00:04:06,310
You pick up his basket.
You clear his table.
101
00:04:06,412 --> 00:04:07,310
You wipe it.
102
00:04:07,413 --> 00:04:09,293
And then you say,
"Can I get you anything else?"
103
00:04:09,349 --> 00:04:10,389
And you know what he says?
104
00:04:10,450 --> 00:04:12,714
He says, "Yeah, could you
freshen our drinks?"
105
00:04:12,819 --> 00:04:14,480
So you freshen
everybody's drinks.
106
00:04:14,587 --> 00:04:15,986
Then you go back
into the kitchen,
107
00:04:16,089 --> 00:04:18,319
you take somebody's card,
you clock out,
108
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:20,016
you go home,
and then what do you do?
109
00:04:20,126 --> 00:04:21,637
You pour yourself
a bottle of chardonnay
110
00:04:21,661 --> 00:04:23,322
and you sit on the toilet.
111
00:04:23,429 --> 00:04:25,641
And then you start playing
Words With Friends with Lenore.
112
00:04:25,665 --> 00:04:27,633
And then you just go
and you get into bed...
113
00:04:28,635 --> 00:04:29,635
and then he explodes?
114
00:04:29,736 --> 00:04:31,294
What's happening over here?
115
00:04:31,404 --> 00:04:32,648
What's happening in this sectsh?
116
00:04:32,672 --> 00:04:34,139
Bridget is going through
a breakup.
117
00:04:34,240 --> 00:04:35,720
You don't know
what I'm going through.
118
00:04:35,775 --> 00:04:38,175
Okay, she's a ticking time bomb.
119
00:04:38,278 --> 00:04:39,336
Somebody top her off.
120
00:04:39,445 --> 00:04:40,969
I'm not hearing sex tips.
121
00:04:41,080 --> 00:04:42,825
What, are we hanging out?
Are you guys my friends?
122
00:04:42,849 --> 00:04:44,043
- No.
- No.
123
00:04:44,150 --> 00:04:46,150
You wait till he finds out
his dad's been diagnosed
124
00:04:46,185 --> 00:04:47,083
with prostate cancer.
125
00:04:47,186 --> 00:04:49,677
Then, while he's crying,
you put one finger...
126
00:04:49,789 --> 00:04:53,156
two fingers up his butt
until he explodes?
127
00:04:53,259 --> 00:04:55,090
I have one.
128
00:04:55,194 --> 00:04:57,355
Make eye contact?
129
00:04:57,463 --> 00:04:58,521
You're a cunt.
Fan me.
130
00:04:58,631 --> 00:05:00,599
How about go to Trader Joe's
131
00:05:00,700 --> 00:05:02,565
and buy an Amy's
frozen Indian dinner.
132
00:05:02,669 --> 00:05:04,136
Then smear it
all over his genitals
133
00:05:04,237 --> 00:05:06,467
in slow circles clockwise
134
00:05:06,572 --> 00:05:08,005
and then counterclockwise.
135
00:05:08,107 --> 00:05:09,267
I tried that.
136
00:05:11,244 --> 00:05:13,769
And it works.
Okay?
137
00:05:13,880 --> 00:05:16,280
You're fired. That eye-contact
thing was ridic.
138
00:05:16,382 --> 00:05:17,110
Get out.
139
00:05:17,216 --> 00:05:19,776
Guys, this article
is gonna cause a baby boom.
140
00:05:19,886 --> 00:05:21,820
We're doing God's work.
141
00:05:23,323 --> 00:05:26,815
2,000 men are suing Glamo
magazine for emotional damages,
142
00:05:26,926 --> 00:05:28,291
claiming their sex tips
143
00:05:28,394 --> 00:05:30,294
are at least partially
responsible for the fact
144
00:05:30,396 --> 00:05:32,728
that they were bizarrely raped
by their girlfriends.
145
00:05:32,832 --> 00:05:34,152
We spoke
to one of the plaintiffs.
146
00:05:34,200 --> 00:05:35,944
I came here today
because I don't want anyone
147
00:05:35,968 --> 00:05:38,266
to ever have to go through
what I went through.
148
00:05:38,371 --> 00:05:40,091
I bet you guys didn't know
that you can, uh,
149
00:05:40,173 --> 00:05:42,573
fit a Hanukkah candle
in your pee hole.
150
00:05:42,675 --> 00:05:44,438
Well, guess what,
Glamo magazine.
151
00:05:44,544 --> 00:05:45,704
You can't!
152
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:48,144
Now I have to piss in a bag.
153
00:05:50,883 --> 00:05:51,975
What's your best sex tip?
154
00:05:52,085 --> 00:05:54,053
I'm Taurus, so I'm kind of
a sensual lover.
155
00:05:54,153 --> 00:05:55,745
So I'm, like, you know...
156
00:05:55,855 --> 00:05:57,914
I'm really passionate.
157
00:05:58,024 --> 00:06:00,788
Did you guys just hear that?
My underwear just fell off.
158
00:06:01,794 --> 00:06:04,388
Do you have any good sex tips?
159
00:06:04,497 --> 00:06:05,497
Biting.
160
00:06:05,565 --> 00:06:06,827
Biting is good.
161
00:06:06,933 --> 00:06:09,333
- Are you sure?
- Yeah.
162
00:06:09,435 --> 00:06:10,925
G-spot.
Very important.
163
00:06:11,037 --> 00:06:13,301
- Hook the fingers.
- You got to work the G-spot.
164
00:06:13,406 --> 00:06:15,050
- Like, "Come over here."
- It's important, yes.
165
00:06:15,074 --> 00:06:15,972
"I'll take the check,
166
00:06:16,075 --> 00:06:18,441
but I first want to order
something else first."
167
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:19,988
There are a lot of
workshops you can take.
168
00:06:20,012 --> 00:06:22,503
- I know, but I'm so lazy.
- Yeah.
169
00:06:22,615 --> 00:06:24,480
What's your best sex tip?
170
00:06:24,584 --> 00:06:27,075
I'd say flick your tongue
very quickly.
171
00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:31,452
If he's uncut and the skin
covers the tip of the penis,
172
00:06:31,557 --> 00:06:33,115
when he withdraws the penis
173
00:06:33,226 --> 00:06:36,024
he becomes very sensitive, so...
174
00:06:45,972 --> 00:06:48,998
You know, men fake orgasms.
Did you know that?
175
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,075
Did you know that?
176
00:06:50,143 --> 00:06:52,805
Probably not with you,
you gorgeous sunflower.
177
00:06:52,912 --> 00:06:54,937
But with this tulip...
178
00:06:55,047 --> 00:06:58,107
I'm sure everyone fucks you
to completion, but this...
179
00:06:59,652 --> 00:07:02,052
this petunia...
180
00:07:03,089 --> 00:07:06,183
A guy faking an orgasm.
It's so funny.
181
00:07:06,292 --> 00:07:09,420
I was dating this guy
and, uh, we were in New Orleans,
182
00:07:09,529 --> 00:07:10,655
and we were wasted.
183
00:07:10,763 --> 00:07:12,594
We were having sex,
and it was disgusting.
184
00:07:12,698 --> 00:07:15,792
It was just like two seals
batting at each other's...
185
00:07:15,902 --> 00:07:20,236
"Enh!"
Just drunken hams high-fiving.
186
00:07:20,339 --> 00:07:23,308
It was awful.
And, uh...
187
00:07:23,409 --> 00:07:27,607
And he was obviously done
with our shared experience
188
00:07:27,713 --> 00:07:29,180
'cause he faked an orgasm.
189
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:32,149
And like, men,
you're not allowed to fake it.
190
00:07:32,251 --> 00:07:33,343
You're not allowed.
191
00:07:33,453 --> 00:07:36,650
There's hard evidence
if it doesn't happen.
192
00:07:36,756 --> 00:07:38,849
I'm like,
"Oh, do you come magic now?
193
00:07:38,958 --> 00:07:41,324
Wow.
Where is it?"
194
00:07:41,427 --> 00:07:42,905
You can't. Especially if
it's your girlfriend.
195
00:07:42,929 --> 00:07:45,227
Like, we know
the noises you make.
196
00:07:45,331 --> 00:07:47,196
We don't know the faces you make
197
00:07:47,300 --> 00:07:50,997
because that's something
you look at once by accident.
198
00:07:54,841 --> 00:07:56,433
It's like looking into the sun.
199
00:07:56,542 --> 00:07:58,840
You're like, "Ow!
Never again."
200
00:08:01,814 --> 00:08:04,374
That is a one-time
kind of mistake.
201
00:08:04,484 --> 00:08:06,008
But we do...
We know your noises.
202
00:08:06,118 --> 00:08:08,086
So this guy,
we're having gross sex,
203
00:08:08,187 --> 00:08:11,179
and he lets out
this fake weird noise
204
00:08:11,290 --> 00:08:13,952
he's never made before, like,
205
00:08:14,060 --> 00:08:17,325
"Bluh-uh-uh-uh-uh!"
206
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:22,298
I'm like, "Is your dick haunted
all of a sudden?
207
00:08:22,401 --> 00:08:23,925
That's amazing."
208
00:08:27,273 --> 00:08:30,333
Welcome to "How Will
This Relationship End?"
209
00:08:30,443 --> 00:08:33,037
The dating game show
where two sexual women
210
00:08:33,145 --> 00:08:34,578
guess how their relationship
211
00:08:34,680 --> 00:08:37,410
with three eligible bachelors
might end.
212
00:08:37,517 --> 00:08:38,779
Let's meet our contestants.
213
00:08:38,885 --> 00:08:40,978
Amy, tell us a little bit
about yourself.
214
00:08:41,087 --> 00:08:44,488
Okay, um, well,
I'm... I'm 31 years old.
215
00:08:44,590 --> 00:08:47,616
I'm from Columbus, Ohio.
216
00:08:47,727 --> 00:08:49,888
And I enjoy repeating
the same mistakes
217
00:08:49,996 --> 00:08:52,089
over and over again
and never growing.
218
00:08:52,198 --> 00:08:53,597
Fun!
219
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:55,633
Larissa, I understand
you're from Indiana?
220
00:08:55,735 --> 00:08:56,633
That's right.
221
00:08:56,736 --> 00:08:58,863
And romantically
I do have a type,
222
00:08:58,971 --> 00:09:01,405
and that's anyone
who reminds me of my dad.
223
00:09:01,507 --> 00:09:03,407
Ho ho!
Papa, can you hear me?
224
00:09:04,977 --> 00:09:07,844
Okay, let's play.
Here's our first bachelor.
225
00:09:07,947 --> 00:09:09,107
Hi.
My name's Brent.
226
00:09:09,215 --> 00:09:10,455
I'm an accountant from Atlanta.
227
00:09:10,550 --> 00:09:14,111
So, Amy, how do you see
this relationship ending?
228
00:09:14,220 --> 00:09:17,781
Okay, uh, we'll go on
three terrible dates,
229
00:09:17,890 --> 00:09:21,656
and, uh, he'll make me order
appetizers as entrées.
230
00:09:21,761 --> 00:09:25,891
And even though
I'm mildly disgusted by him,
231
00:09:25,998 --> 00:09:27,910
it'll bother me that I never
hear from him again.
232
00:09:27,934 --> 00:09:29,663
I could believe that.
233
00:09:29,769 --> 00:09:30,667
Larissa.
234
00:09:30,770 --> 00:09:34,206
Uh, I think we'd probably
go out for about two months,
235
00:09:34,307 --> 00:09:37,470
and then I would discover
that he writes movie reviews
236
00:09:37,577 --> 00:09:39,340
for a white supremacist website.
237
00:09:39,445 --> 00:09:40,810
Let's see what Brent has to say.
238
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:42,642
My favorite movie
was "Lincoln."
239
00:09:42,748 --> 00:09:44,807
I thought Daniel Day-Lewis
was incredible
240
00:09:44,917 --> 00:09:46,043
as that war criminal.
241
00:09:46,152 --> 00:09:47,483
Perfect ending.
242
00:09:47,587 --> 00:09:49,384
- Larissa, you're on the board!
- Whoo!
243
00:09:49,488 --> 00:09:51,456
Let's meet our next bachelor.
244
00:09:51,557 --> 00:09:52,956
Hey.
My name Is Ryan.
245
00:09:53,059 --> 00:09:55,289
I'm from the Bronx,
and I work at Fill-A-Bear.
246
00:09:55,394 --> 00:09:57,658
A lot of people mishear
that as Build-a-Bear.
247
00:09:57,763 --> 00:09:59,492
But Fill-a-Bear is different.
248
00:09:59,599 --> 00:10:01,294
See, I empty out
old teddy bears,
249
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:04,699
and then I sell the carcasses
to Build-A-Bear.
250
00:10:04,804 --> 00:10:05,998
Larissa.
251
00:10:06,105 --> 00:10:08,437
Well, first of all, I will
fall in love with Brent
252
00:10:08,541 --> 00:10:09,735
because he looks like my dad,
253
00:10:09,842 --> 00:10:13,539
uh, which will cause me to turn
into a hoarder like my mother.
254
00:10:13,646 --> 00:10:16,114
10 seconds, Larissa.
255
00:10:16,215 --> 00:10:19,514
Oh, uh, and then, uh,
we'll have a huge fight one day
256
00:10:19,619 --> 00:10:21,196
when he throws out
one of my treasures...
257
00:10:21,220 --> 00:10:22,710
an umbrella that
says "Advil" on it...
258
00:10:22,822 --> 00:10:24,653
and then he walks
out of my life forever
259
00:10:24,757 --> 00:10:26,224
and I call my dad?
260
00:10:26,325 --> 00:10:27,519
Amy.
261
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:29,788
Okay, after dating
for about six months
262
00:10:29,895 --> 00:10:31,487
I accidentally get pregnant.
263
00:10:31,597 --> 00:10:33,827
And even though we're not
really together anymore,
264
00:10:33,933 --> 00:10:35,332
he won't let me get an abortion?
265
00:10:35,434 --> 00:10:36,662
Good answer.
266
00:10:37,770 --> 00:10:39,431
Well, let's see
what Ryan has to say.
267
00:10:39,538 --> 00:10:43,406
I would never pay child support.
But I'm strongly pro-life.
268
00:10:43,509 --> 00:10:44,509
Don't argue with me,
269
00:10:44,543 --> 00:10:46,807
'cause I'm not smart enough
to defend my position.
270
00:10:46,912 --> 00:10:47,912
Yankees rule!
271
00:10:47,980 --> 00:10:49,777
- Amy, you nailed it.
- Yes!
272
00:10:49,882 --> 00:10:52,942
Let's check out
our final bachelor.
273
00:10:53,052 --> 00:10:55,043
I work at the Apple Genius Bar.
274
00:10:55,154 --> 00:10:57,281
Amy, how do you see this ending?
275
00:10:57,390 --> 00:10:59,915
Okay, um, I think
I've got this one, Tom.
276
00:11:00,026 --> 00:11:02,187
Uh, we'll date for
about eight months,
277
00:11:02,294 --> 00:11:04,228
and then I'll open
a folder on his desktop
278
00:11:04,330 --> 00:11:05,354
labeled "football stuff"
279
00:11:05,464 --> 00:11:07,432
and find 400 photos
of Daniel Radcliffe.
280
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,000
Amy, I'm gonna stop you
right there.
281
00:11:09,101 --> 00:11:10,125
You're absolutely right!
282
00:11:10,236 --> 00:11:13,103
Yes, yes, yes!
It's happened a lot.
283
00:11:13,205 --> 00:11:14,433
I'm gay.
284
00:11:14,540 --> 00:11:17,532
Congratulations, Amy.
You win!
285
00:11:17,643 --> 00:11:19,133
Yes!
286
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:22,703
Join us next week
for another episode of "How..."
287
00:11:24,650 --> 00:11:26,811
Hey, Dad, it's me.
288
00:11:27,987 --> 00:11:31,218
Well, I lost,
just like you said I would.
289
00:11:32,992 --> 00:11:36,325
Yeah.
I can call you back later.
290
00:11:43,803 --> 00:11:47,398
And now
the epic finale of "Love Tub."
291
00:11:47,506 --> 00:11:49,167
The two remaining bachelorettes
292
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:52,472
prepare for their final date
with Ben.
293
00:11:52,578 --> 00:11:53,909
I just really wish
294
00:11:54,013 --> 00:11:56,379
that we didn't have to go on
this last date as a threesome.
295
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:58,643
There's enough of him
to go around.
296
00:11:58,751 --> 00:12:00,776
I just don't like to share Ben
with anyone.
297
00:12:00,886 --> 00:12:03,354
When I just said that, I mean,
I'm talking about his dick.
298
00:12:03,456 --> 00:12:04,548
Oh!
299
00:12:04,657 --> 00:12:07,023
It's like so... It's like,
Uh-ya-ya-ya-ya! Ding!
300
00:12:07,126 --> 00:12:09,321
Uh-ya-ya-ya-ya!
Ding!
301
00:12:09,428 --> 00:12:11,794
Like, corn... like eating
corn and a typewriter.
302
00:12:11,897 --> 00:12:13,831
You guys slept together already?
303
00:12:13,933 --> 00:12:15,867
No. No.
304
00:12:15,968 --> 00:12:16,866
No?
305
00:12:16,969 --> 00:12:19,437
I mean, yeah, like what do
you consider sleeping together?
306
00:12:19,538 --> 00:12:21,005
It's like, you know, who cares?
307
00:12:21,107 --> 00:12:24,474
I mean, isn't that what
this show is? Like, what...
308
00:12:24,577 --> 00:12:25,908
No.
309
00:12:33,786 --> 00:12:36,550
I just want to start off
our last night with a toast
310
00:12:36,655 --> 00:12:38,520
to the two most beautiful...
311
00:12:38,624 --> 00:12:40,936
You know what? I'm, like, not
in a champagne mood. I'm sorry.
312
00:12:40,960 --> 00:12:42,951
Like, can I just get
a cranberry vodka?
313
00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:45,189
I'm like more than flirting
with a yeast right now.
314
00:12:45,297 --> 00:12:48,198
When I pee, it's like somebody's
blowing glass down there.
315
00:12:48,300 --> 00:12:51,235
Thank you. Cool.
Coolio. You're the best.
316
00:12:51,337 --> 00:12:52,804
Okay, go.
You, you, you.
317
00:12:52,905 --> 00:12:55,032
Like, this is about you,
not this.
318
00:12:55,141 --> 00:12:58,304
To the two most beautiful,
classy women.
319
00:12:58,410 --> 00:12:59,707
I'm so thankful
320
00:12:59,812 --> 00:13:02,508
I've had the chance to go on
this journey with you both.
321
00:13:02,615 --> 00:13:04,014
- So, cheers.
- Cheers.
322
00:13:04,116 --> 00:13:05,606
Cheers, queers.
323
00:13:05,718 --> 00:13:07,515
Sorry!
Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry.
324
00:13:07,620 --> 00:13:10,418
Like, not totally my fault.
I'm sorry.
325
00:13:12,958 --> 00:13:16,155
They're like, "Whuuh!"
So...
326
00:13:16,262 --> 00:13:18,822
But, seriously, can I just
get one more of those, like...
327
00:13:18,931 --> 00:13:19,989
but, like, vodka.
328
00:13:20,099 --> 00:13:22,431
It's, like, we're all adults,
so...
329
00:13:22,535 --> 00:13:26,232
Tonight I have an incredibly
hard decision to make
330
00:13:26,338 --> 00:13:30,672
about who I want to escort
into the Love Tub.
331
00:13:30,776 --> 00:13:32,971
- So I...
- Like, when is it lice?
332
00:13:33,078 --> 00:13:34,568
Like, legwise.
333
00:13:34,680 --> 00:13:40,016
Oh, Amy, you have
an amazing spirit.
334
00:13:40,119 --> 00:13:42,679
I'd never even heard of the game
leaky submarine until I met you.
335
00:13:42,721 --> 00:13:44,245
Mm!
336
00:13:44,356 --> 00:13:47,416
- What's leaky submarine?
- He plugs all my holes.
337
00:13:47,526 --> 00:13:50,427
Yeah.
338
00:13:50,529 --> 00:13:51,894
I thought I'd ask you both
339
00:13:51,997 --> 00:13:53,760
about your dreams
for the future.
340
00:13:53,866 --> 00:13:55,663
My dream for the future is
341
00:13:55,768 --> 00:13:58,999
right now if somebody
brings us some curly fries.
342
00:13:59,104 --> 00:14:00,662
Right?
It's like, that'd be good.
343
00:14:00,773 --> 00:14:01,865
To soak up all the booze.
344
00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:02,872
We're just, like, drinking,
345
00:14:02,975 --> 00:14:04,738
and it's like...
Ugh! Perfect storm.
346
00:14:04,844 --> 00:14:08,507
Tiffany, if I ask you
to join me in the Love Tub,
347
00:14:08,614 --> 00:14:10,206
would you be willing
to move to Utah
348
00:14:10,316 --> 00:14:11,442
to start our lives together?
349
00:14:11,550 --> 00:14:13,780
Yes.
I grew up around horses.
350
00:14:13,886 --> 00:14:16,878
When I ride,
I feel like I'm flying.
351
00:14:16,989 --> 00:14:18,650
Amy...
352
00:14:25,664 --> 00:14:27,131
Moving on.
353
00:14:27,233 --> 00:14:29,531
Tiffany, what do you think
is the secret
354
00:14:29,635 --> 00:14:30,795
to a lasting relationship?
355
00:14:30,903 --> 00:14:33,633
My parents have been married
for over 40 years,
356
00:14:33,739 --> 00:14:35,832
and they taught me
that the key ingredients
357
00:14:35,941 --> 00:14:38,273
are trust and respect.
358
00:14:38,377 --> 00:14:39,708
That's so beautiful.
359
00:14:39,812 --> 00:14:40,812
What do you think, Amy?
360
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,074
Okay, well, I think I...
361
00:14:42,181 --> 00:14:44,513
m-maybe I might have told you
this at one point,
362
00:14:44,617 --> 00:14:49,486
but I dated this guy Ricky
for like
363
00:14:49,588 --> 00:14:51,146
Five months, okay?
364
00:14:51,257 --> 00:14:52,155
Real piece of shit.
365
00:14:52,258 --> 00:14:53,748
He was, like, my dealer,
366
00:14:53,859 --> 00:14:55,827
and then he wasn't,
and then he was.
367
00:14:55,928 --> 00:14:57,953
Da da-da da-da.
He made out with my sister.
368
00:14:58,063 --> 00:14:59,155
She's a slut.
369
00:14:59,265 --> 00:15:01,790
She would be, like,
amazing on this show.
370
00:15:01,901 --> 00:15:03,493
If they're doing the next one.
371
00:15:07,406 --> 00:15:08,873
Tiffany.
372
00:15:08,974 --> 00:15:09,974
Amy.
373
00:15:10,075 --> 00:15:12,202
I've never had to make
a harder choice.
374
00:15:12,311 --> 00:15:13,608
You are both...
375
00:15:13,712 --> 00:15:15,179
I'm sorry.
376
00:15:15,281 --> 00:15:17,875
Did we actually
order curly fries
377
00:15:17,983 --> 00:15:19,177
or, like, where do we stand
378
00:15:19,285 --> 00:15:20,685
with that whole situation
right now?
379
00:15:21,887 --> 00:15:23,184
Whew.
380
00:15:23,289 --> 00:15:24,688
Okay, they have the fries.
381
00:15:24,790 --> 00:15:26,401
They're just not bringing 'em
because we're filming.
382
00:15:26,425 --> 00:15:27,535
Like, no one cares.
It's fine.
383
00:15:27,559 --> 00:15:29,550
Like, it's fine? It's fine?
It's fine.
384
00:15:29,662 --> 00:15:31,527
I've made my decision.
385
00:15:41,573 --> 00:15:42,573
Tiffany...
386
00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,969
Would you please join me
in the Love Tub?
387
00:15:47,079 --> 00:15:49,240
Yes!
Yes!
388
00:15:49,348 --> 00:15:50,474
Yeah.
389
00:15:54,086 --> 00:15:55,485
Congratulations.
390
00:16:07,333 --> 00:16:09,324
Are we going to see Ben
right now?
391
00:16:09,435 --> 00:16:12,165
No, Ben's in the Love Tub
with Tiffany.
392
00:16:12,271 --> 00:16:13,704
He chose her.
393
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,569
Yeah, right, he chose her.
394
00:16:15,674 --> 00:16:19,974
He would never choose her.
She's a... She's a bitch.
395
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,603
She's dumb.
396
00:16:21,714 --> 00:16:22,772
She looks like...
397
00:16:22,881 --> 00:16:26,612
One time in this lighting,
I was like, "Eww!
398
00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:30,382
"Oh, Tiffany, you're... Eww!"
399
00:16:30,489 --> 00:16:33,117
Can somebody hold my hair?
400
00:16:35,928 --> 00:16:38,897
Okay, guys, I know I said
some bad things about you,
401
00:16:38,998 --> 00:16:41,466
but please hold my hair.
402
00:16:46,505 --> 00:16:47,505
I'm okay.
403
00:16:54,380 --> 00:16:57,406
Okay, I am superexcited.
You guys were amazing.
404
00:16:57,516 --> 00:17:01,748
I'm so proud to be bringing up
the final act.
405
00:17:01,854 --> 00:17:04,379
She's my good friend, and we are
on the road now together.
406
00:17:04,490 --> 00:17:05,684
We get to travel together.
407
00:17:05,791 --> 00:17:07,952
You know who she is.
408
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:09,322
She is incredible.
409
00:17:09,428 --> 00:17:11,896
My friend, my hero...
Bridget Everett.
410
00:17:15,601 --> 00:17:18,502
I know a lot of you
look up here,
411
00:17:18,604 --> 00:17:21,084
you say, "There's a woman that's
really got her shit together."
412
00:17:24,343 --> 00:17:26,072
I get it, you know?
413
00:17:26,178 --> 00:17:30,706
Great tits, nice trim ankles,
voice of an angel.
414
00:17:30,816 --> 00:17:32,943
But if I'm being honest,
you know,
415
00:17:33,052 --> 00:17:35,486
I got some problems.
416
00:17:36,755 --> 00:17:38,767
There was a time when I went
through what I'd like to call
417
00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:40,884
a transitional phase, you know?
418
00:17:40,993 --> 00:17:44,724
Back in the '80s,
my nipples came in.
419
00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:47,128
Not my titties, but my nipples.
420
00:17:48,634 --> 00:17:49,811
My brothers went around school,
421
00:17:49,835 --> 00:17:51,379
and they got everybody to
call me little nippy-titty,
422
00:17:51,403 --> 00:17:53,633
little nippy-titty,
little nippy-titty.
423
00:17:53,739 --> 00:17:57,971
My mom said, "What's wrong?"
I said, "Nothing."
424
00:17:58,077 --> 00:18:00,238
And then she sat down
next to me.
425
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:02,609
She put her hand down
the back of my pants.
426
00:18:02,714 --> 00:18:03,874
Not in a fucked-up way
427
00:18:03,982 --> 00:18:06,815
but just 'cause I got
real soft skin, you know?
428
00:18:06,919 --> 00:18:09,319
She said, "What's wrong?"
429
00:18:09,421 --> 00:18:11,433
I said, "Well, Brock and Brian
got everybody at school
430
00:18:11,457 --> 00:18:13,721
calling me little nippy-titty."
431
00:18:13,826 --> 00:18:15,293
You know what she said?
432
00:18:15,394 --> 00:18:17,362
You want to know what she said?
433
00:18:17,463 --> 00:18:24,460
♪ Ooh ooh-ooh-ooh,
don't you cry ♪
434
00:18:24,570 --> 00:18:26,003
And then she said,
"Come with me.
435
00:18:26,105 --> 00:18:28,335
Let's have a drink,
hit the track."
436
00:18:31,410 --> 00:18:35,039
She said, "Bridget..."
437
00:18:35,147 --> 00:18:37,411
She said, "Bridget,
you're a woman now.
438
00:18:37,516 --> 00:18:38,778
You got to stand tall
439
00:18:38,884 --> 00:18:40,395
and be proud
of what your mama gave you.
440
00:18:40,419 --> 00:18:43,081
Do you hear me?"
441
00:18:43,188 --> 00:18:45,850
♪ You got them
little nippy-titties ♪
442
00:18:45,958 --> 00:18:47,323
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
443
00:18:47,426 --> 00:18:49,656
♪ She got them
tube-sock titties ♪
444
00:18:49,761 --> 00:18:51,251
♪ She put 'em in the air ♪
445
00:18:51,363 --> 00:18:53,661
♪ I got these
beaver-tail titties ♪
446
00:18:53,765 --> 00:18:55,426
♪ I put 'em in the air ♪
447
00:18:55,534 --> 00:18:59,300
♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪
448
00:18:59,404 --> 00:19:01,929
♪ You got them
low-riding titties ♪
449
00:19:02,040 --> 00:19:03,473
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
450
00:19:03,575 --> 00:19:06,100
♪ You got them
Cracker Jack titties ♪
451
00:19:06,211 --> 00:19:07,473
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
452
00:19:07,579 --> 00:19:10,173
♪ You got them
rubber-ducky titties ♪
453
00:19:10,282 --> 00:19:11,681
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
454
00:19:11,783 --> 00:19:15,219
♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪
455
00:19:15,320 --> 00:19:18,380
♪ You got them fuck-me
little titties, yeah ♪
456
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:19,923
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
457
00:19:20,025 --> 00:19:22,550
♪ You got them
meatball titties, ow! ♪
458
00:19:22,661 --> 00:19:23,855
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
459
00:19:23,962 --> 00:19:26,294
♪ You got them
health-insurance titties ♪
460
00:19:26,398 --> 00:19:28,093
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
461
00:19:28,200 --> 00:19:31,795
♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪
462
00:19:31,904 --> 00:19:34,395
♪ And then
we bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
463
00:19:34,506 --> 00:19:36,371
♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
464
00:19:36,475 --> 00:19:38,409
♪ Bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
465
00:19:38,510 --> 00:19:39,909
♪ You bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
466
00:19:40,012 --> 00:19:42,606
♪ You got them
slingshot titties ♪
467
00:19:42,714 --> 00:19:44,011
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
468
00:19:44,116 --> 00:19:46,710
♪ You got them
big mama titties, unh! ♪
469
00:19:46,818 --> 00:19:48,080
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
470
00:19:48,187 --> 00:19:50,883
♪ You got them
slip-and-slide titties, ow! ♪
471
00:19:50,989 --> 00:19:52,286
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
472
00:19:52,391 --> 00:19:56,157
♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪
473
00:19:56,261 --> 00:19:58,923
♪ You got them
ugly-sweater titties ♪
474
00:19:59,031 --> 00:20:00,293
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
475
00:20:00,399 --> 00:20:02,959
♪ You got them
mama's girl titties ♪
476
00:20:03,068 --> 00:20:04,399
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
477
00:20:04,503 --> 00:20:07,063
♪ You got them Nurse Jackie
titties... I don't know ♪
478
00:20:07,172 --> 00:20:08,537
♪ Put 'em in the air ♪
479
00:20:08,640 --> 00:20:12,406
♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪
480
00:20:12,511 --> 00:20:14,945
♪ And then
we bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
481
00:20:15,047 --> 00:20:17,015
♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
482
00:20:17,082 --> 00:20:19,050
♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
483
00:20:19,117 --> 00:20:20,550
♪ We bounce, bounce, bounce ♪
484
00:20:20,652 --> 00:20:23,314
♪ You got them
triple-threat, peach-pit ♪
485
00:20:23,422 --> 00:20:25,413
♪ Jersey girl titties ♪
486
00:20:25,524 --> 00:20:29,358
♪ Wolfman Jack, caveman,
lumberjack titties ♪
487
00:20:29,461 --> 00:20:33,090
♪ Pussy eatin', fire hose,
slipshod titties ♪
488
00:20:33,198 --> 00:20:36,725
♪ Put 'em up, put 'em up,
put 'em up ♪
489
00:20:36,835 --> 00:20:38,393
♪ And then we bounce ♪
490
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:51,979
You guys, we did it!
491
00:20:52,084 --> 00:20:54,109
It's like Cancun.
Triplicate!
492
00:20:54,219 --> 00:20:56,710
- Oh!
- Just sit on my face.
493
00:20:58,257 --> 00:20:59,690
Cut.
494
00:21:05,330 --> 00:21:07,764
"Sweetie"?
That's my nickname.
495
00:21:07,866 --> 00:21:10,562
Okay, Phil, would you mind
leaving, please?
496
00:21:10,669 --> 00:21:12,261
Can... Please, can he leave,
please?
497
00:21:12,371 --> 00:21:15,135
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
498
00:21:15,240 --> 00:21:16,400
You're freaking out.
499
00:21:18,310 --> 00:21:20,278
Too many "heys."
36382
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