All language subtitles for allo.allo.s06e01.dvdrip.xvid-nodlabs

'ALLO 'ALLO!

What a morning this has been.
My wife Edith

has just been going thrugh all
her songs with her new pianist.

He, by a strange coinceidence,
just happens to be the twin brother

of monsieur Leclerc, the old forger.

Ernest, for that is his name
was being visited by Roger in the nick,

Where he was serving a
rather long sentence

for driving a getaway car
without due care and attention.

Anyway, Roger decided to
swap places with his brother

because he was of the opinion that
the prison food was better

than that being served
here by my wife Edith.

So Ernest has now got his feet
well and truly under our table,

but it will only be a short while
before his brother was about the food.

What did i tell you?

So if you will bear with me,

those of you with good memories
may recall that a few months ago,

upon the orders of general
Von Klinkerhoffen, i was arrested,

put in front of a firing squad and shot.

Fortunately the colonel substituted
wooden bullets for the real ones.

Lieutenant Gruber, who was in
charge of the shooting party,

was unaware of this and still believes
that i am my own twin brother.

Lieutenant Gruber, you may
remember, is the one who fancies me.

He also fancied my twin brother...

Which is hardly surprising
because that was me as well.

Are you with me so far?

So in order to keep
up the illusion,

from time to time Edith and i
place flowers upon my grave.

Well, the grave that...
So there we are.

A fitting tribute to a fine
and much loved man...

Me.

Ah, Rene.
- Yvette, where is your hat?

Are you not going with
me to the cemetery?

No, i have an appointment
at the hairdresser's.

Rene, would you place for me
upon your grave this tribute?

The village expect it.

The willage would not expect that.

Ah, Rene.

Edith, you are not coming to pay respeccts
to my sacred memory in your curlers.

I am not coming at all.
- How quickly they forget.

I have not forgotten.

Then you have flowers for me.
You are hiding them behind your back.

I thought you could take for me this rhubarb.
The stalks are too floppy to make puddings,

but the leaves are quite pretty.

Edith, i will not be remembered
with floppy rhubarb.

Rene? - And i am not having
that on my grave either.

I was dusting. You are wanted in the
backroom by Michelle of the resistance.

Oh heck, why can she not
take her business elsewhere?

I'm glad i caught you in time.

We do not wish you to
go near the churchyard,

In case the Germans suspect
something is going on there.

What could be going on there?

Beneath the empty grave which is supposed
to contain the body of your dead twin brother,

We are building a communications center.

Six undertakers have been for the last
six weeks, day and night, excavating.

What is wrong with a radio in
the bedroom of my mother?

The Germans jam it.

We have a new plan of escape
for the British airmen.

We must able to contact England to
tell them when to put it into effect.

We need a bigger aerial to
give our signal more power.

It will be ready for testing within the
next 24 hours. When i give the word,

We will all go to the churchyard
and place on your grave flowers.

For this reason, you must not go today.

I do not think this rhubarb
will last until tomorrow.

Make a pie for your mother.

I must leave you in great hastle.
I am late for bomb practice.

I think they have started without you.

Rene, officer Crabtree is
coming across the square.

Well, he's not coming in my cafe again.

That Napoleon-French accent
of his will get us all shot.

Good moaning.

What a nice dew it is with the sin
showing and not a clot in the sky.

Yes, it is indeed a lovely dew.

Will you please pass off?

I have good nose.

The British navvy have a plin.

An aeroplin?

No, a rescue plin for the British earmen.

That is indeed good nose.
- Don't you start.

This is the plin...

When the time is root, the
will wick down the canal

to the ostuary, where they will
be pocked up by a submaroone.

Wait... What... We... How are they
supposed walk down the canal?

They are six feet tall,
the canal is eight feet deep.

They will drown.
- That is the clever bot.

On their hods, they will
carry an upturned tin both.

No, he has lost me.

I think he means a tin bath.

They have just practiced, and it wicks.

Hello!

If i had not seen it with my
own eyes, i would not believe it.

If you do not mind me saying, Herr Flick,

You will soon wear a hole in
our commandeered carpet.

I will continue pacing until i have
found an answer to my question.

If i knew the question
perhaps i could be of help.

Your single brain cell would be better
employed putting on the kettle.

Yes, Herr Flick.

Stop. I have got it.

May my single brain cell
ask what you have got?

The answer to question
that has vexed us

ever since we first occupied this town.

How do we pull the crumpet?

That is not the question that has
vexed us. - It has vexed me.

The question is this:

How do we discover who hides the British
airmen when they have been shot down?

Answer: We disguise ourselves as
British airmen who have been shot down.

I wish i had thought of that.
- You are too busy thinking about crumpet.

Question two: How do we
convince the resistance

that we are genuine British airmen?

We carry cricket bats

Good thinking...
But rather obvious!

No.

We wear British uniforms,

and we both jump out of a
captured British Wellington.

Are British Wellingtons
big enough?

I'm talking about a British
Wellington bomber.

The resistance will then take us
to their secret headquarters,

we will make a note of its
whereabouts and their identities,

and we will return with the
army to effect the capture.

Oh, a most ingenious plan, Herr Flick.
I cannot see it failing.

Then we have but one task...

To learn enough English to fool the French.

Fortunately, the Gestapo have provided
a comprehensive record library.

Here it is.
"Tibetan in three months."

"There will be big bombers over
the white cliffs of dover tomorrow.

Just you wait and see!"

Sung by Goering.

Ah, here's the one.

"How to fool the French that you
are English in one easy lesson."

Here is the English to fool
the French peasants.

Repeat after me.

Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa.

Fa fa fa fa fa fa fa.

Private Helga! You beautiful lady!
I kiss-a your hand.

What are you doing
with my typewriter?

I compose for you
the beautiful-a poem.

You listen good.

"Your wonderful smile
drives me out of my wits.

I love-a your eyes and your..."
- Captain Bertorelli!

"...and your other nice bits.

I got a surprise, and i
hope-a that it fits."

Captain Bertorelli!
- All-a the way from Italy.

The silk, a liberty bodice. See?

In it there is a lot of liberty.
- Helga!

I must go, the colonel wants me.
- We all want you.

Oh, captain.

You called, Colonel?
- I've been calling you for half an hour.

Where have you been?
- I've been with Herr Flick.

And what nastiness is he cooking up?

I have to report, he has
a most ingenious plan

to find out who is helping the
British airmen to escape.

Herr Flick and herr Von Smallhausen intend
to disguise themeselves as British airmen,

So that the resistance will pick them up
and take them to their secret hiding place.

I do not like the idea of the Gestapo
being successful where we have failed.

But, colonel, suppose the trail
should lead to the cafe and Rene.

If Rene's involved, it's entirely his own fault.
We've warned him often enough.

Could we not drop him a hint?

No, Gruber. I absolitely forbid
you to drop anything.

Colonelo, Rene is the
good man, huh?

He has the nice wife,
the nice serving girls,

What for you want to
drop him into the Whatsit?

Because if general Von Klinkerhoffen
finds out that we've tipped him off,

we could all be shot! - Could we
not make an anonymous call?

Lieutenant Gruber, that's-a the great idea.
You make him the anonymous call.

I would willingly do this, but i fear that
he would recognize the tone of my voice.

Quite right, Gruber.
I will make the call.

Put over the mouthpiece
the handkerhief,

like in the gangster movies
with-a the Humphrey Bogart.

How does Humphrey Bogart do it?

Listen, sweetheart,

Get out of town or you're gonna find
yourself wearing a concrete overcoat-a.

All right, i've got it.

It's ringing.

Cafe Rene, can i help you?

Listen, sweetheart,

Get out of town,
or you vill find yourself

vearing a concrete overcoat.

Colonel, do you wish
to order a table?

I think the Colonel must
be going round the twist.

He mentioned something
about a concrete overcoat.

Oh, he was probably referring
to your wife's pastry.

Oh, Rene, how i long for the
day when i can cook for you.

So do i, Yvette.

I promise there will always be
something hot on the table for you.

I can just imagine.
- Oh, Rene.

Hold me, crush the breath from
my body with your strong arms.

Kiss me so that the great surgin tide
of emotion drowns me in ecstasy.

Well, i suppose i could try.

Rene!

What are you doing with that girl?

You stupid woman.

Are you not aware that this girl has not
been to the dentist for three months?

Do you never check
the servants' teeth?

She has a great big bad
molar in the back there.

Oh, Rene, i am so sorry
i have let you down.

Can you forgive me? - Just this once,
but do not let it happen again.

Now off you go into the kitchen.
Bite on a clove of garlic for the pain.

I will book you into the dentist.
- Whoo!

Mama, what are you doing out of bed?

I am fed up with bed!

And loneliness.

And thin soup.

To think that once i was the most
talked-about woman in Paris.

Mama, we talk about you.

Yes, we say "what is the
old bat up to now?"

Well, it is all about to come to an end.

Oh, mama, do not say that.
You have years left.

Certainly months.

Monsieur Ernest Leclerc has
asked me to marry him,

And i intend to accept.
- Mama!

My god, he is a fast worker.
He's only been here 24 hours.

Ernest has rekindled the
dying embers of my love.

I am surprised he has any
wind left in his bellows.

Do not insult him!

He is clear of eye,
young at heart,

and, well...

The rest of him is
coming along quite well.

It is he, Leclerc.
- Ernest, oh-hhh!

Oh-hhh, Fannie!

Fannie, i have something for...

I have a ring for you, see?

Look how it sparkles in the light.

Oh, Ernest, it is a whopper.

But how could you afford such a ring?

You forget the trade i
was in when we met.

Was he a jeweler?
- He was a burglar.

Fannie, come with me to the town square,
and i will tell the world of our love!

Yes, off you go. Your wheelchair
and crutches are just outside.

Rene, do not worry. You are
not losing a mother-in-law,

You are gaining a father-in-law.

Oh my god.

Mama, when will the happy
event take place?

As soon as possible
after we are married.

What a stupid question.

General Von Klinkerhofen!

Heil Hitler!
- Heil Hitler!

I am most dissatisfied with the
way you're running this town.

You have not arrested
anybody in the resistance.

You have failed to find any
trace of any missing airmen.

It has now come to my attention that
there is curious activity in the churchyard.

Mounds of earth are appearing all over
the place, but nobody is being buried.

Gruber, arrest monsieur
Alfonse the undertaker,

and we will interrogate him.
- I have already arrested him,

But i am not satisfied with your
interrogation procedures.

I intend to remain here while you
question him. Let him be brought in.

Bring him in here!

Halt! You may dismiss.

Now then, Colonel, interrogate him.
- Go ahead, Gruber.

Ah. Uh...

Good morning.
- Do not say good morning!

Walk round him slowly,
looking at him closely.

Then stand behind him. This always
puts them in a state of anxiety.

What the general says is
quite correct. - Carry on.

What is your name?
- We know his name!

There are distinct guidelines in the
manual of interrogation. Use them.

Of course, general.

Ah, yes, in fact...

"Now listen to me carefully,
and understand this:

We know everything."

In that case, can i go?
- No, you may not go!

Ask him about the mounds of earth. - Of
course. What about the mounds of earth?

What mounds of earth?
- We ask the questions!

Look.
- Oh.

Where exactly did you see them,
general? - In the graveyard.

In the graveyard.

Why are little mounds of earth
appearing in the graveyard?

Could it perhaps be the moles?

That seems a perfectly
logical explanation.

Not to me.
You are up to something.

Six of your gravediggers have
been at work night and day,

but no one is getting buried.
How do you account for this?

Well, you see, general,
in the summertime

when business is slack,

we try to stock up for the winter.

That is the time when they pop off.

Are you satisfied with this
explanation, colonel?

Definitely not, general.
- Well, i am.

Be more careful in future.
- Yes, general.

Oh... My card.

24-hour service, i will bury
you swiftly and with style.

And if your garden should require attention,
i also do edge cutting and returfing.

Go away!
- Go away!

Keep an eye on the graveyard, i am
not satisfied with this explanation.

But, general, when i
said i was not satisfied,

you were very cross.

Colonel, sometimes you are
thick as two short fat planks.

Where have you been?
I have been waiting an hour.

Your operation must be canceled.

I've just been interrogated gy the
very nasty general with the piggy face.

Did you reveal anything?
- Nothing.

But they suspect something.

We will have to risk it. The airmen
are ready to make their rendezvous.

This evening we must use the radio

to alert England so that a submarine
can be sent. - Is it working?

This is our mechanical
aerials expert. - Oh, i see.

She would make anything work.
- Show him.

The slab.

The aerial.

Enough.
- Does it not go higher?

It rises to 20 feet above ground level,

but we must not risk that
the Germans could see it.

My god, what ingenuity.

What a remarkable mind you
must posses, mademoiselle.

The idea came to me
late at night in my bed.

Sometimes one does
get the best ideas there.

But they don't last long.

Where have you been? There
are customers to be served.

We need you behind the bar.

I have a message for
Rene from Michelle.

Rene, Michelle has
a message for you.

How unusual. - Michelle says
you are to go to your grave.

What?

The one where your twin brother is buried.
You will take these flowers,

And here is the message that you
are to send to England on the radio.

Why me? Why can you
not send the message?

Because you are the
hero of the resistance.

London will only
respond to your voice.

Michelle says the halo which operates
the opening of the slab, has gone wonky.

You will have to press the cherub's buzzer.

And where is the cherub's buzzer?

Here is a picture of the cherub,

The arrow points to his buzzer.

I hope the vicar is not
looking out of his window.

You must go at once. I will look
after the bar. And i will the cabaret.

Just look after the bar.

Ah, Helga. Shut the door.

Be sure that no one approaches.

I am calling Rene

in case he does not take
seriously the colonel's warning.

It is in all our interests that
he keeps clean his nose.

Hello, may i speak please to Rene?

Oh. Oh, dear.
Thank you.

He has gone to the churchyard to place
flowers on the grave of his brother.

The one you shot?
- I'm afraid so.

You will understand, Helga,

that i still feel most uncomfortable
about that matter.

I feel his presence, you know?

I wake at night seeing
him at the end of the bed.

He points his finger
at me and he says,

"J'accuse, J'accuse."

Who is this Jack Hughes?

I have no idea.

I feel that i too should
place flowers on his grave.

Unfortunately, i have no flowers,
and the shops will be shut.

I will commandeer some from
the grave of a peasants.

No, Helga, that would
not be appropriate.

We will steal some from
the colonel's garden.

Ah!
- Have we been seen?

No, the coast is clear.
Press the cherub's buzzer.

Quick, into the crypt.

Monsieur Rene, did on your
way, see a girl, very tall,

Mackintosh, bare legs,
little white socks,

long blonde hair, black
shoes with high heels?

Not that i recall, no.

In that case there is no one to operate
this very complicated machinery.

Oh, dear, what a pity. Let us go home.
- No, we will wait for her.

No no no. The message must be
delivered in 30 seconds from now.

Perhaps she will turn up.

Churchyards are very spooky,
are they not? - Yes.

There was a strange chill.

I feel the presence of Rene's
twin brother most strongly.

Let us quickly place
the flowers on his tomb,

and return to the
warmth of our quarters.

I think it is just over there.

Well, it is time. - She is
not here. We can go now.

Monsieur Rene, for the honor of France,

i must try to recall the
correct procedure.

Yes. Here. You keep
the microphone.

Now i will turn on the transmitter,

Madame Edith will
operate the switch.

Out of the way, Rene.

First the left.

There it is. I feel his presence
even more strongly.

Now the other one.

Oh! Oh! What is that?
Ah-hhh! Stop that!

Rene, forgive me.

You are forgiven, my son.

That was a terrible experience.

At least he hasn't
mentioned Jack Hughes.

Subtitle by EsToNiA1