Original subtitles

Alright, Bill, see ya.

Later, buddy.Have a great weekend.

What?

Have a great week--

Wait, hold on. It's -- It's Friday?

Yeeeeeah.

[ Chuckles ]

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

This can't be.

But...why not?

You don't have kids.

When there's no school...

there's no childcare.

Bummer.

You don't understand!

The weekend is worse than the week!

Is someone filming this?! Human resources?!

Ken!

No, no, please, just give me more work!

Aah! I want to stay here!

The weekend is worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

Bill, Bill! Bill!Eh? Ah! Uh! Ah!

Bill! Oh!

Oh, man, I just had a nightmare it was the weekend.

It isSaturday.

[ Groans ]

So, I didn't scream at my office?

I don't know.

We'll find out Monday, I guess.

[ Grunts ] [ Groans ]

God.

[ Sighs ]

Remember how weekends used to be?

Sleep till noon.

Yeah, take off on my motorcycle.

Poop alone.

Well, all that's gone.

Now it's just kid stuff and family obligations.

Mm.

Ooh, and this weekend,

Emily has her first homework assignment.

Come on. Emily has homework now?

Just for the next 12 years.

[ Chuckles ] Happy Saturday.

Ohh.

Hey.

The kids are still asleep. So...

Mm. You want to have nervous, silent sex while we stare at the door?

[ Both chanting "Pancakes!" ]

♪♪♪

We want waffles.

And we're off.

Mmm. Toothpaste and coffee.

The working man's peppermint latte.

What's the damage today, Jo?

[ Sighs ] We've got two kids' birthday parties.

Actual friends, fake school friends,

family, or people we hate?

Combo move.

Lulu's friend and my brother Benicio's kid.

Do we have to go to the Benicio thing?

Do you know how annoying he'll be if we don't go?

As annoying as if we do go?

And we have a funeral.

Oh, God!

Your family constantly dies.

Who is it this time?

My cousin Luis. The guy with all the turtles.

Enh. They were tortoises.

Well, whatever they were, he died,

and they ate his toes.

Hey. I hope you do that to me.

[ Chuckles ]

At least both birthdays are at Party Pizza,

so, you know, we won't be stuck in the car with the kids.

Oh, thank God.

Oh. Wait.

No. Sorry.

They're at two different Party Pizzas --

40 miles apart?!

What the...

Aren't weekends relaxing?

Ugh. Boy, do I need it.

[ Laughs ]

Why? What'd you do all week?

Bought pantyhose,

saw the dentist,

mailed a letter.

I don't know how I got it all done.

[ Slurps ]

Ahh.

Ooh, that's good joe.

[ Slurps ]

Ahhhhh.

Tell you what -- let's just drive aimlessly

until that first party starts. Yeah.

Oh, look. They're opening our gift.

I grabbed something Lulu never opened on herbirthday.

It's the perfect crime.

Aw, look!

"To Lulu. Happy Birthday.

Love, Daphne."

Since you already hate us,

we're gonna take a pizza for the car.

♪♪♪

[ Noisemaker honking ]

Thank you.

I mean, what are we doing with our lives, huh?

We work all week so we can do all this?

Yes.

You wanted to have kids.

Uh, no, I didn't. Youdid.

Well, I guess there's been a huge miscommunication.

Come on, babe, why do we have to go to allyour family events?

Because otherwise, we're not a family.

We're just a bunch of people in the same city

with the same nose.

All I wanted to do today was watch the U. Colorado game.

You can do that.

Jo, we made one promise.

To never lie to each other, okay?

Please do not violate that sacred covenant now,

or we...have nothing.

[ Chuckles ]

What if this weekend,

we each got to do one small thing for ourselves?

Totally depends. What's yours?

I'd like to get my nails done.

My feet look like a Johnny Depp necklace.

Deal. Game today. Nails on Sunday.

Whoo-hoo!

[ Noisemaker honks ]

Okay, Benicio is depressing,

so don't encourage it for your own amusement.

Ah, come on. That's the only joy I can get out of the guy.

I've met him, like, 300 times. He never remembers who I am.

Nine siblings, and you're the only one

who showed for my son's birthday.

Typical.

Benicio, I-I'm sure Chuy just has our other brothers

helping out at Luis' funeral.

You know how he is.[ Scoffs ]

Oh, I know how he is.

You know Chuy stole my life, right?

Yes. No. How?

September 10, 2001.

Oh, boy.

I spot Brie Gonzalez at the school dance,

and I turn to my brother Chuy, and I say, "Dibs."

The next thing you know, they're married and have kids,

like I never had dibs.

That's crazy.

I should be living in his house with his family,

and he should be the one

whose air mattress exploded last night.

You can't call dibs on a person.

I think you can, you know?

I-I'm on your side.

It may be Luis' funeral, but it is Chuy who's dead to me.

Forever.

My sister's so rude.

I'm Benicio, by the way.

I'm...also Benicio.

[ Organ music plays ]

You're the only family who showed.

[ Sighs ] Well, of course.

I show up to everything. [ Scoffs ]

Where are the other brothers?

I don't know. We just saw Benicio at his kid's birthday.

Hey, Benicio isn't still talking about dibs, is he?

[ Chuckling ] Yeah, he was.

You know how he is.

Uh, yeah. I know how he is.

Well, time to go crush this funeral.

The game starts in an hour.

Don't worry, babe. We'll sit in the back.

If it goes too long, we'll sneak out. Okay, okay.

Bill! Jo!

There's seats up front! Get over here!

Look at this whole row! Come with me!

Okay, look, Chuy barely knew Luis.

This'll be 10 minutes, tops. Okay.

First, I'd like to thank the tortoise community

for your incredible support.

What can you say about Luis?

Nothing.

Good.

But what can I say about Luis?

A whole buttload of stuff.

Bad.

Luis loved baseball.

He watched every Rockies game.

162 a year!

In his honor,

we will now take 162 moments of silence.

One...

Game starts in five minutes.

Oh, just start recording it.

Two...

101...

Why did Luis love tortoises?

Who cares?

They're so slow,

and everyone hates when things go slow.

Yeah, amen.

What's the rush? Hmm?

Everyone's in a hurry to get somewhere

better than where they are.

And all these things that we rush past...

...well, that's life.

Slow down!

Enjoy your life!

Live.

Like.

A.

Tortoise.

[ Voice breaking ] He always gets me at the end.

Thank you, Denver! Good night!

Okay, look, I-I got to get out of here

before someone tells me the score.

I'll just see you at the car, okay? Okay.

♪♪♪

Bill, did you see the game?!

No, Mo-- Shh, shh, shh. I recorded it.

Wait, where is it?[ Beeping ]

Oh, it asked if I wanted to record it,

but I didn't see any reason, 'cause I was already watching it.

[ Cheering]Announcer: And there you have it!

The greatest comeback victory in Colorado history!

I feel bad for anyone who missed it!

Please don't touch the remote. I'm recording something.

♪♪♪

It's worse than the week! It's worse than the week!

It's worse than the week!

Bill! Eh! Ah! Ah!

Oh, no.

I just had a nightmare it's --

It isSunday.

The kids are still asleep, so...

Oh.

[ Both chanting "Waffles!" ]

♪♪♪

Let me guess. You want pancakes?

No. Cereal.

[ Sighs ]

So, JoJo, Sunday plans. What do you got?

Uh, there's...

...nothing.

No parties, nothing with my family.

Oh, my God.

I have dreamed of this day for so long.

I know.

Now that it's here, I have no idea what to do with it.

Ooh, I have an idea --

nothing.

Just relax.

Oh, yes. Right?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just stay home and relax.

Oh, my gosh. That actually sounds amazing.

[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Bell dinging ]

Bang! Bang! Bang! Whap! Bang!

Ahhhh!

We got to get out of here.

What can we do?

And don't say...

or they will make us do it.

A movie?

Movie! We're going to a movie!

Oopsie doodle.

Fine, we'll take you to a movie,

but then you have to do your homework tonight.

Yay! I'll get my jacket!

Okay, look, babe, after the movie,

I'll take the kids to the food court,

and you can get your nails done.

And then a bottle of wine and oblivion.

Can't wait for that.

I literally can't wait for that.

I'm gonna make that happen right now.

Okay, you get the car, I'll get the kids, okay?

Kids! Come on! Let's go!

Emily: I can't find my jacket!

Emily's jacket.

You left it at the funeral yesterday.

Thank you, but we -- we really got to go.

Oh, I'll be brief. Please, come in.

[ Door closes ]

I-I can't stop thinking about what God said yesterday.

When He spoke through me at Luis' funeral.

Chuy, we're really in a hurry.

Well, when God and I said that

everyone is in way too much of a hurry...

Okay, yeah, but we actually arein a hurry, okay?

[ Doorbell rings ]

Lulu's jacket.

You left it at Jose's party.

Thank you, Beni.

Uh, kids, we got to get out of here!

That's okay. I've got a minute.

Brother.

Once upon a time.

I see what you did, Jo.

You left one jacket at the funeral and the other at...

At Jose's party, knowing we would each feel compelled

to return the jacket...

And settle the feud

between us. Between us.

Right. Yeah.

'Cause we're not just two stressed-out people

with kids leaving crap everywhere we go.

This ends right here, right now.

Hey, do you guys maybe want to do this at a Starbucks?

'Cause...

Hey, aren't you worried?

No. I hope they kill each other.

Alright, we made it, with three minutes to spare.

Ha! For once, our family didn't blow up our lives.

Uh-oh.

What?

[ Scoffs ]

My God.

I mean, we can't wake them.

No way.

They'll turn into demons.

Bye, movie.

Bye, $50.

You know, I swear, they're messing with us.

[ Scoffs ]

Another weekend disaster.

Ohh. No, come on, babe.

Look, I missed my game,

but you can still go get your nails done.

I can't leave you alone.

You have to.

I can't.

Eh...

I'm already dead. It's too late for me.

But you can still live.

Go. Get your nails done.

What if they wake up?

They will.

Now...go, before theydo.

[ Strained ] Remember me!

They're closed.

Oh.

♪♪♪

[ Sighs ] God.

What are we about to walk into here?

[ Both sobbing ]

Damn it. Everyone's still alive.

The feud that has destroyed this family

is at last resolved.

We finally realized what the problem was.

Great. What was it?

You.

What are you talking about?

Jo, you stoked the flames of this feud.

You pitted us against each other,

like a demon puppet-master.

That's insane.

Is it, Jo?

Yesterday, when I asked you if Chuy was mad at me,

you said, "You know how he is."

And when I asked you if Benicio was mad at me,

you said, "You know how he is."

So?

How am I, Jo?

And how am I?

Like this!

Well, we disagree.

You'rethe one who is.

And who continues to be "is."

Me? [ Scoffs ]

I am the one who holds this whole family together.

Listen, guys, we're the only ones

who go to every party and funeral.

I mean, Jo is the glue of your family.

And you actually think I'm the problem?

Yes, that's what we just said.

[ Chuckles ]

Sure.

Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

1,000 burpees.

Children's Benadryl and vermouth.

Chuy Marco Alejandro Rodriguez,

I release the dibs.

Benicio Alejandro Marco Rodriguez,

I thank you.

We're brothers again.

And, Sandy, you are a miracle worker.

W-What did she do?

I told them you can't call dibs on a person.

Well, I think you can.

Let's all go out and celebrate!

Oh! I'm buying, boys.[ Laughs ]

Okay, we'd love to, but we can't.

We got the kids.

Too bad! Come on, fellas.

You know, you really got to learn to enjoy the weekend, man.

By the way, I'm Benicio.

Well, we did it.

Another weekend in the books.

No, we didn't do it.

Emily's homework, remember?

Unbelievable.

Every time we feel like we're done, we're not done.

Emily, let's go.

Why can't I just play with Play-Doh?

It's in the name.

Because you can't just do whatever you want every second, sweetie.

Youdo whatever youwant.

[ Scoffs ]

What?!

Your dad wanted to watch the game.

I wanted to get my nails done.

We didn't get to do anything we wanted to do this weekend.

Well, I want ice cream.

No. Do your homework.

I'll do it if you give me ice cream.

No ice cream!

Okay? Go! Do your homework! Now!

You're so mean! I hate you, Mom!

[ Sighs ]

Wow, that was an emotional hit job.

Alright.

Look, she doesn't hate you.

I know, but still.

Gosh.

Why are, like, the simplest things so hard?

Yeah, I can't wait until they're out of the house.

We can just sit here, drinking naked.

Imagine doing whatever we want again.

I would watch every game.

The whole game.

Any sport. I don't care.

I would just sleep.

Ooh. Me, too. I change my answer.

That's a good one.

I can't believe we've sacrificed all our freedom

just to get screamed at.

Babe, you know who I'm almost jealous of?

Hmm? Luis.

He watched every game, and then he died.

Death is sleep.

Yeah, but only like eight people showed up to his funeral.

I don't know. Maybe Chuy was right.

You know, maybe we should just...

try to enjoy this time and slow down.

Hey. You know what?

I bet 30 years from now,

we'd kill to have a weekend like this.

[ Chuckles ]

Dude, I'm so tired.

Like, I literally don't care about anything.

Do you?

Nope.

Emily?

Let's have some ice cream!

Ohh. Mm.

I'm sorry, Mommy. I love you.

It's just that I get mad when I don't get what I want.

I know, pumpkin.

Me, too.

Yeah, me, too.

Oop.

I'll do my homework.

Okay.

[ Sighs ]

What lesson did we just teach?

Who cares? Tomorrow, she's the school's problem again.

♪♪♪

"My Weekend, by Emily Ryan.

I went to two parties and ate six pieces of cake."

"My uncles fought in my living room.

Plus, my parents don't work on weekends,

so I got to spend two whole days with them.

I have the best family."

Ohhhhh!

You see? She has no idea we're completely inept.

Mm.

What are you doing?

Making the kids' lunches.

Why?

It's Monday.

It's a holiday weekend.

Boy, do I need it.

[ Slurps ]

Ahhhhh.

Excuse me.

[ Slurps ]

Ahhhhhhh.

Jo: Aaaaaaaaaaah!

Uh-oh.

♪♪♪

Yeah!

♪♪♪