Original subtitles

[Hoe/beats]

[ Gunshot]

-[Chiming] - [Starter] G0!

[Cheering]

[Cheering Continues]

- [Cheering Continues] - [Man] Come on, lsaacs!

Blast and buggeration!

Immigrant chappie's far too good.

I told you...

we should never have allowedjews into the university.

Or the country.

[ Cheering Continues ]

Not bad. Cedders! Fancy a snifter?

We should never have allowed shorts.

They should run as God intended

Bare cheeked. Stark naked.

[ Inhales] Buttocks all a tremble.

[Cheering]

I hope you'll be more fun when you meet my sister.

I said, I hopeyou'll be more fun when you meet my sister.

I said, I hopeyou'll be more fun when you meet my-

- Oh, hello. - You damn toff!

Edward Ivory. How do you do? Cedric Trilling, Hugh Damm-Toff.

Not one ofthe Hampshire Damm-Toffs by any chance?

As I was saying, I do hope you'll be more fun when you meet Emily.

She's a corking peach.

[Train Whistle Blows]

[Grunts]

[Sighs] Won't do.

[Bicycle Bells Ringing]

JM Humming]

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[MotorWhirring]

- [ Horse Whinnies ] - [Whistle Blows]

Ooh. [Groans]

[Sighs]

[fowMoosj

[Wheezing]

- Ah, Hudson Senior. Good man. - [Wheezing]

When mater and pater died, we had hundreds ofletters from fussy spinster aunts.

- Good clay to you, Master Edward. Your ticket, please, sir. - Go away.

The aunts all wanted to bring us up to be arrogant, emotionally stunted...

and completely out oftouch with the real world.

- But Aunt Agnes was the only one who was actually related. - [Hudson 5 enior C oughxng ]

Begging your pardon, Master Edward, but you should also have a ticket.

-L must insist. - I do so hate ordinary people.

You mustn't hate them. They have smaller brains.

Ah. Hudson 7

- [Clock Chiming] - Hudson !

Awful shame about your father.

Strokes are rare/y fatal.

I wonder what Cedric will be like.

Edward said that he's most handsome.

In which case, we must make a good impression.

- Rosie? - Yes, ma'am?

- You're fired. - Yes, ma'am.

Aunt Agnes, how could you? Now we have no one left to clean the house.

Ifyou don't find a husband quickly, you will soon be an old maid like me.

- But l'm only 22. - Why ever did you turn down that proposal from the vicar ?

What's his name? Mr. Tweeb.

His eyebrows are over twice the socially acceptable level of bushiness.

The man that I marry must be...

perfect in every way.

Hmm.

Watch out!

[Groans]

- Edward, could you please slow down? - Why?

Emily, this is my very dear friend,

Mr. Cedric Trilling.

How charming to meet you.

And this is Aunt Agnes, our guardian with the withering look.

I wasjust remarking how important it is for a young lady to be married by the age of22.

Hasn't the weather been pleasant?

Most certainly. The sky this morning was exactly as the poet Homer described.

"Da wn 's rosy- tipped fingers illuminating the heavens."

Mmm.

- A-And wasn't the rain yesterday dreadful ? - Most certairvy.

It was exactly as the poet Homer described.

"The sparkling droplets fell from the sl< y lil

from the swollen eyes ofthe daughter ofZeus.“

Daughter ofZeus? I expect she was married before she was 22.

R/ght-o, Cedders. Show you to your room.

Why must you always embarrass me?

A lady should never discuss the weather with a potential husband.

They ought to maintain an air of mystery for the wedding night.

Hurry up with those, Hudson. It's nearly time for tea.

And, Emily.

Do try to look prettier.

What's up, son?

- Some bloody fools in a car almost killed me! - Areyou all right P

Come sit by the fire.

I'll put some nice raw vegetables in boiling water forya.

Hmm.

Idiots were heading forlvory Hall.

Ivory Hall?

You haven't... dented the Rolls?

- Ooh ! - People like us...

are the scum ofthe Earth, and don't you ever forget it.

[Sighs] Come here, bunny.

Here at Ivory Hall, we have a few little traditions.

- The fewer and littler the better. - Yes.

Cucumber sandwiches pass always to the right, never to the left.

Lemon tea /s drunk only on Tuesdays and Thursdays, except in Lent

And you must never use your knife for buttering hot muffins,

unless you are a member of His Majesty's armed forces.

I trust you will endeavor not to forget them.

- I shall not forget them. I shall ignore them. - [ Bell Tinkling]

Emily, dear, do laugh at Mr. Trillingk del/ghtful witticism.

Certainly, the moment he makes one.

- [Tinkling] - Hudson!

[Groaning]

Mmm. These cucumber sandwiches are marvelous, are they not?

Hudson baked the loaf himself.

The cucumber ought to be more finely sliced,

and the texture ofthe bread is rather too rough.

- Is the tea toyour liking ? - It is exactly as the poet Homer described.

"Like the poisonous bro wn juice which flows from the giant lizard of he/l."

And what about the chair?

- Is the chair on which you are sitting satisfactory ? - Of course.

Perhaps it's made out ofthe wrong type ofwood.

Perhaps the upholstery is as the poet Homer described.

Do forgive my niece. She is somewhat nervous in the presence ofsuitors.

Oh, Aunt Agnes, I have no intention ofmarrying Mr. Trilling!

I confess, I do not like him in the slightest.

- Emily! - In fact, I hate him. He has no manners!

I should rather kill myself than marry him!

- I do hope l've not offended you in any way. - No, no, no.

- I shall write you a letter ofapology immediately. - It is I who is in the wrong.

- I shall depart for Cambridge straightaway. - You can'? g0 f

We can't play croquet with only three of us.

[Groaning]

- [Edward] Oh, Hudson! C roquet please. - Certainly, sir.

[AuntAgnes 's Voice] Today has gone splendid/y.

Emily feigns dislike,

but I sense a weakening on her part.

[Emi/ys Voice] His mustache resembles a pair of wet hedgehogs paws.

[Sighs]

Perhaps I was too hasty about the vicars eyebrows.

[Sighs]

[Cedrids Voice] There is something about her slim, elegant figure...

that rather reminds me of Edward

Hmm.

[ Edward 's Voice] Dear Diary, it is such fun to be back at Ivory Ha//.

lam very pleased to see my bears again,

and they are very pleased to see me.

[ Bear Makes Mechanical Sound]

Mighty-night, Tedders.

[Liquid Boiling]

[Man On Record] "Allowable Face Movements For Butlers, Part Three."

The upper lip must never tremble.

/t might be interpreted as human emotion, which is most unacceptable.

- M m - h m m . - When being insulted,

a hint ofa polite smile is customary.

- Teeth must never be re vealed - H m m.

Gums should be cleaned daily with seven parts sulfuric acid to one part water...

in order not to offend the noses ofemp/oy-

Where will you go?

Me nan has kindly invited me to London town...

to stay with her and be a prostitute.

You are indeed fortunate to have such an understanding family.

- Ifyou're ever passin', do pop in. - Hmph.

Like her and me mam and me sister,

I hope to bear many illegitimate children into abject poverty.

And you? Will you manage on your own?

Iam a Hudson.

And you never get bitter.

[Ringing]

Never!

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Liquid Boiling]

[Sighs]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[Chuckles]

Mmm.

I do wish you'd let me lend you a pair oftrunks.

[ Cedric ] / 'm quite happy like this.

S0, what do you think of m y sister ?

Shush! Someone may overhear us.

Cedders !

Ifyou insist on talking about this matter, I, for my part, insist we do it in Latin.

Um-

P/acetne tibi... mea soror ?

l/la habet coxennfices graci/es.

- She hasjackdaws that must be baked. - Slim hips.

Oh. [Chuckles] What else 7

Quoque i/la habet ocu/os bel/os.

What 7 She owns warlike swans?

N ot "olores be/icos. " Ocu/os bel/os.

Oh, eyes! Warlike eyes! No, beautiful eyes!

Beautiful eyes. She has beautiful eyes. And?

[Cedric] And” illa habet...

mammas bell/ores.

She has ghosts from Belgium?

Mammas, breasts! Bell/ores, rather pretty or interesting!

She has rather pretty or interesting breasts l

[ Edward ] And what do you think of her character ?

l/la quam frater duct/or est.

Something, something, something "surgeon."

Exactly.

[Yells]

- She going to do ? - I don't know.

- She's your sister. - [ Gasping]

- You've got to do something! - [Emily] Help!

Adiuvate l

Adiuvate l

Adiuvate l Adiuvate l

Adiuvate!

Adiuvate l

Festina 0 homo.

Festina l

Festina l

[Coughing]

[Gasping]

Thank you.

l__ I owe you my life.

But brave stranger, who are you 7

My name's George.

[Emily] George.

[Panting] You have a ripping set of... unmentionables.

Ugh! He's avillager.

How dareyou!

- Clear off, you horrid ruffian! - She could've drowned!

- Go back to your hovel! - Well said, Cedders.

-L saved herlife! - You did not save my life.

And it is impertinent, although typical ofyour obvious peasant upbringing, to thinkyou did.

/n fact, Cedric sa ved my life... by shouting so bra ve/y.

Hurrah!

I'm willing not to report this to a constable so long...

as you go away and never speak of it to anyone.

Shoo. [Sneezes]

Shoo!

[AuntAgnes] I cannot believe that you did not express your gratitude.

He was a peasant, and he had no clothes on.

T 've probabfl/ caught some awful drBease/kxst fiom beirvg x}? close contact with him.

[AuntAgnes] N0 clothes on at all ?

It was quite, quite horrid. Oh!

Ah, ah-

Ah-

- Nothing? - No.

- Mayl have more soup, please? - Certainly.

And, he was standing with his front to wards you ?

Yes, and I could see something...

dangling-

- [Clears Throat] - [ Edward ] I can vouch for that.

Although his dangling was nothing like mine. What about you, Cedders?

It was a working-class dangling. He didn't dangle with dignity.

[ Clearing Throat ]

Quite right, Hudson.

It's quite improper that a matter such as this should be discussed over dinner.

- [ Sneezes] - Send for the doctor.

Certainly, ma'am.

And how are we today?

Ill-

She has an awful cold. What treatment do you recommend, Doctor?

Please remove all your garments.

- Shall I go? - Well, the ointment is... rather smelly.

Yes, right.

- Hudson? - Sir?

[Mumbling] God Almighty.

Hurry UP-

- Thankyou. - Sir.

What is that you're reading?

Show me, show me.

It's the new E.M. Forster novel.

Oh, not another one! ls it amusing?

I find it difficult to identify with the characters,

but the locations are quite enchanting.

This steamy trifle is bya Miss Cartland.

[Grunting]

- / don 't have all day, Miss Emily. - I'm going as fast as I can.

[ Grunt/mg]

-l wonder ifl might have a word, ma'am. - Ofcourse, Hudson.

What is it?

How can I best put this?

My family has worked foryour family going back five generations now.

- Tradition is a fine, fine thing. - Indeed, ma'am.

Uh, how best to put this 7

Afteryears of devoted service, frankly...

- I'm getting a shade peed off. - Hudson !

You have dismissed, ma'am, all my senior under-butiers,

and myjunior over-butlers,

leaving me, ma'am, to run this entire estate.

- Hudson. - Don't "Hudson" me, ifl may be so bold.

- Your idiot family is quite barking mad. - Well!

Is this whyyou've been urinating in the soup again?

There will be worse to come, ma'am,

in the main course and the pudding...

ifl don't get a break ofsome sort.

What a capital idea! Edward !

- Hudson hasjust given me the most delightful idea. - The ointment-

I propose the best cure for Emily's awful cold is a trip to Italy.

- What about the ointment ? - Yes, please. A holiday will make me feel so much better.

She could die unless she gets this ointment!

-L shall make the arrangements at once! -[Groans]

What about the ointment?

Um, I've got a bit ofa snuffle.

- Good evening, dear lady. - Mr. Tweeb, good evening.

- May I venture to ask ifthere is any news ? - About what ?

My proposal... to your niece?

Oh, dear. Did I forget to tell you?

She said "no? She said your eyebrows are too bushy.

And anyway, she has a new admirer.

Good evening.

♪♪ [ Crowd Singing]

JMSinging Continues]

- ♪ Um-pah-pah ♪ - [ Crowd ] ,*And we g0 um-pah-pah,'

[Sniffs]

Ma'am.

I'm looking for the young man who rescued my niece.

I believe his name is George.

My niece drew this.

[Hushed Chattering]

- That'll be Eric's lad. - Where is this Eric?

Excuse me, good lady. Beggin' your pardon and everything, Your Ladyship.

I have a son, Your Extreme Daintiness,

whose name, if it please Your Worship,

is... George.

Is he also an imbecile?

[Hushed Chattering]

How dare you... touch a lady!

- But she was drowning, Dad. - So 7

Her in her "delicatest," whitest linen,

and you in your filthy peasant rags!

I don't believe so.

Oh! You were naked! Naked !

My son should not have been in the same county as your niece without his pants on.

- But she could've bloody died! - I beg you, dear, sweet lady.

Is there some way he can put right the terrible wrong...

he has done to you, yourfamily and the king?

Get up, for goodness sake.

There is indeed a way he can put right this dreadful wrong.

Thankyou, thankyou.

You shall accompany us on a trip to Italy as servant.

Servant? How bloody typical ofyour bloody class.

I 'm not going. I 'm staying here. My dad needs me.

Bollocks I do! A son ofmine servant...

to "holidaying" gent/efo/k.

lfon/y my dad cou/dfi/e lived to see this happy da y!

Of course, I understand ifyou would prefer to remain here for the rest ofyour life,

just you, your father and a hovel full ofrabbit entrails.

[Eric] Italy. Can you imagine ?

But why? Why him?

- Hudson can't go. - But why?

He has- He has a bladder problem.

- But why? - Because!

And one more "but why" from you, and we shan't go at all.

Aunt Agnes, I hate you, I hate you!

Aunt Agnes 7 Aunt Agnes !

Help.

Help _/

Oh, no.

Aunt Agnes! This is not at all what we were led to expect.

[Emily] Edward, let go. Why do you have to be such a baby?

- It's my room. Let go ofthe key. - Why do you need a view?

- You don't like sunshine. - You know why I get the room with a view!

[ A untAgnes ] What if Emily exchanges with me ?

Then I'll exchange with Edward so that Edward can exchange with Mr. Tweeb.

What a coincidence you 're staying here.

- It is a coincidence. Utterly... - [ George ] Damn!

coincidental.

We/l, then, Mr. Tweeb can exchange with--

Hellfire!

He can swap with us. We got a great view.

Back home, all the rooms have fantastic views.

Then kindly return there at once.

As I was saying, Mr. Tweeb can exchange with- Who's left?

- Me. - I am not sleeping in the stables.

Might I be allowed to suggest a solution? Edward can share my room.

Oh, yes.

And George can have Edward's room. There! See how simple it is.

[ George ] Sod/t!

I thinkwe'll manage without the gravy, George.

Isn't it all so beautiful, Aunt Agnes?

The city's such a dangerous place for an innocent, young Englishwoman.

Anything could happen. George.

L et's hope so. I thin/< I might run naked through the ancient ruins.

You will do no such thing!

- People passing by might see your private parts. - George.

Since we arrived in Italy,

those parts have become a source ofmuch pleasure,

and much... frustration.

Think of Cedric. He '// ne ver marry you.

There are plenty more fish in the Grand Canal.

According to my guidebook, ifwe turn left and then first right,

we should be standing directly in front ofthe Eiffel Tower.

[Clears Throat]

Emily!

Emily?

[Murmuring In Italian]

[Murmuring Continues]

Emily!

- Stop it! - But, Aunt Agnes, I'm thirsty.

They might get the wrong idea. They might think that-

Well, that you want to get married to them.

That's all right, then. You're desperate for me to get married.

Yes, but not to an Italian!

My feet are hurting.

- I've got blisters the size of Bognor. - [ Cedric ] Thafs nothing.

- My blisters are exactly as the poet Patalis described. - Do shut up!

- George 7 [George] What?

Ah! Lay the lawn, please, George.

Thankyou, George. Load it all up again.

- Aurev0ir. - [ Laughing]

[Snoring]

Cedric 7

JOh, Cedric;

JWs me;

Emily!

- Huh? What's going on? - Clear offor I'll hityou.

Ri ght-o.

It's really not proper foryou to be here.

- What would your aunt say? - Mr. Tri/ling you are most handsome.

I fear she would say no such thing.

- Edward ! - /'m a young virgin in Italy.

I want my sexual awakening, and I want it now.

[ Birds Chirp/mg]

"lfthe arousal techniques described in chapters one to 42 have all failed,

do not despair, help is at hand.

The English member can often be excited...

by'aural' stimulation.

Try the following words: [Clears Throat]

Ankle.

[Clears Throat] Navel.

Tongue. Cricket. Nanny.

Warm beer. The National Anthem.

Shakespeare. Earl Grey.

- Steak and kidney. Eton. Cam-J' - [ Gasps]

Eton.

Eton.

Eton, Eton.

- [ Edward ] Can I come in yet ? - No! Eton!

Eton, Eton, Eton, Eton, Eton.

- Please! - Oh, Edward, Edward, Edward! Ouch.

[Groans] Oh, really, Edward.

According to my guidebook, we must be on the lookout for elephants and rhinoceroses.

- Mr. Tweeb? - Yes, Miss Emily?

We're here!

Miss Emily, have you not noticed something different?

- Reverend, you trimmed your eyebrows. - Their length is now decent?

As decent a pair ofeyebrows as I've seen on a member ofthe clergy.

Well done.

Such unfortunate nasal hair.

Oh, look!

Ah, Mr.Trilling!

What could possibly compare to a simple picnic?

Dog bite? Tooth extraction? War?

Food always tastes nicer in the open air.

No, it always tastes exactly the same.

'Tis a beautiful clay, and we are in the middle ofa quite spectacular countryside.

- Why must you always criticize everything ? - lt's my hobby.

I thought, perhaps, you were compensating for some inadequacy.

[ F/y Buzzing ]

[Dishes C/anging]

Come forawalk.

I'm busy.

I'm going forawalk, and I want you to come with me.

Has it occurred--

p,“ [ Woman Sings /n lta/ian ]

p,“ [ Continues /n Italian]

p,“ [ Continues /n Italian]

- Kiss me. - No. just 'cause l'm employed as your servant...

doesn't give you the right to abuse me like a piece ofwood.

- Eton 7 - I had a sandwich.

Wha- No, I--

Steak and kidney?

Beg your pardon?

Oh, dear.

P,“ [ Singing Continues ]

p,“ [ Continues ]

The weather's very nice today.

P,“ [ Continues ]

Emily!

Come quick/y.

Mr. Trilling has achieved the most amazing erection.

Oh.

[Sniffs]

[ Door Opens ]

I want you to know what happened today must ne ver happen again.

I agree.

I don't blame you. You You're a member of the lower classes.

I said, I agree.

- Well, I despise you. - I despise you too.

I despise you more than you despise me.

[Sniffs, Sighs]

[Emily] And I despise you. Hmm.

0h, God, / despise you!

[Pant/mg] I despise you! 0h, God, ldesp/ke you!

- 0h, God! - Have faith, my child. Have faith.

Idesp/ke you. 0h, God! 0h, God!

- Have faith! Have faith! - 0h, God! 0h, God!

- Have faith! Have faith! Have faith! - Oh, God!

0h, yes! S weer jesus l

[Meaning]

- You were ripping last night. - Thanks very much.

Such... strong arms.

Aye.

That's the rabbit skinning forya.

- [ Exhales] - What do we do now, George ?

I don't know.

I've never really done this before.

Well,willyou do the right thing?

Ofcourse.

Emily. will you marry me?

Thankyou. I will consideryour proposal and reply to you by letter.

Now, bring me my breakfast.

[Emi/yk Voice] "Dear George, / am most frightful/y sorry,

but I must refuse your kind offer of marriage.

Yours sincere/y, Miss E. Ivory. "

[Georgek Voice ] "l cannot understand why you have rejected me.

Please, reconsider. George. "

[Emi/yk Voice] "l cannot possibly marry beneath m ystation. Emily."

[Georgek Voice] "Why not P"

[Emi/yk Voice] "Because l"

[ Georges Voice ] "Because what ? /s c/ass a barrier to true love ?

Did last night mean nothing to you P"

[Erick Voice] "Dearson, people /i/

And don 't you ever forget it. Fu// stop.

Your Dad Fu// stop. "

What's wrong with you, child 7

Nothing.

Well, then, stop looking like someone who'sjust lost her virginity.

[Laughs]

Whoa.

What 7

Boy, give me my ball back!

Mr. Tri/ling do amuse us with your rapier-like wit.

No.

[Laughing]

[Chattering In Italian]

P,“ [ Men Singing /n Italian]

p,“ [ Singing Continues ]

This lawn is awfully heavy. Isn't it Emily's turn?

I don't understand whyyou had to give the servant the day off.

I had no choice. He explained it all to me.

A servant has halfa clay off each fortnight, or a whole clay ifit's in a foreign country.

- Why did you agree to that ? - He said ifl didn't agree, he'd go on strike.

I'll horsewhip his backside.

- And sowill I! - lsaidit first.

[ A unt Agnes ] That looks /ike his backside to me.

I'll leave you two to fight it out. We're going back to the pens/one.

- Emily! - Please let me stay. l'll-

- I'll be safe with Edward. - Safe with Edward?

Have you lost your senses 7

And with the handsome Mr. Tri/ling

- ♪♪ [Instrumental] - [Chatter/mg]

- What color am I again 7 - Black.

My brother and Cedric are playing chess for the honor of horsewhipping your backside.

Black, eh? Hmm.

[ Shouting /n Italian, Glass Shattering ]

[Arguing In Italian]

What did he say?

"She's mine. I have her."

Then the other one said, "No, I want- I want to pierce or otherwise penetrate-J'

- Hurry up, old chap. - This is a Latin dictionary, not Italian.

I'm endeavoring to provide as accurate a translation as I can.

[ Arguing Continues ]

My sister's over there. You've got to help.

She might be pierced or otherwise penetrated.

It's my day off.

[Ticking]

- [ Sniffi n g ] - MuntAgnes] /t's getting very late.

- I do hope they're safe. - Can we do anything to help?

- No, thankyou. The British can look after themselves. - [ Scoffs] Yeah, right.

S0, she 's completely repulsed by all manner of facial hair ?

- Yes, I'm afraid she is. - [Clock Chiming]

[Shouting]

Aren't you going to rescue me?

Ow!

- I insist that you rescue me at once! - No! I'm too common.

- I never said you were common. - Then why won't you marry me?

Maybe I'm afraid to commit.

I come from a repressed background. l'm trying to come to terms with the real me,

and I don't even know who the real me is.

I have to learn to love myself!

- Hmm. - Well?

- [ Door Bangs Open] - What happened?

We had to leave Emily in the bar in the mid ofa really big fight.

As the poet Homersaid, "The blood ran thick...

like a river of rosy, dappled entrails.“

We must write to the British ambassador at once.

You may have cute accents, but you've no idea...

how to protect yourselves.

[Man] Lefs g0, hon.

Emily!

Thankyou, George.

I really can't abide these public displays ofaffection.

You know,

you are what we call a real "tightass"!

You're most kind.

This trip has been an awful mistake.

First I had my underwear stolen, and now this.

Italyis so foreign.

Look at the effect it has had on poor Mr. Tweeb.

[Groaning]

I propose we go somewhere more English.

The lawn, please, George.

[Chattering]

[Aunt Agnes] It is so kind ofyou to take us in.

Italy wrought havoc with Emi/yk delicate constitution.

We couldn't find a single pens/one in all ofDelhi.

Great Uncle Horace owns the biggest tea plantation in India.

It covers an area four times the size ofScot/and

It's prettier than Scotland. More interesting than Scotland.

And best ofall, there are no Scotsmen living here.

Of course, we mustn't outstay our welcome. We shall leave for England...

as soon as Emily's ability to hold her breakfast down improves.

Or tomorrow.

Edward !

- Stop it at once! - When in Rome-

Put it away.

India has driven many people absolute/y mad, including m yse/f

Yes. I'm sure Emily is feeling better already.

- Lefs be off - Dear/ady,

the presence ofa beautiful Englishwoman is rare in these parts.

You, too, have designs on my niece.

Aren 't you a little on the old side ?

I wasn't referring to your niece.

Oh!

Dear sweet lady,

how many thousands ofmen's hearts have you shattered 7

[Laughs] So many, dear boys.

Including our own king, when he was Prince ofWales.

Oh.

Good grief! He's white!

Aye, that's right, I'm white. So what?

All men are equal, and all women.

- The world is a changing place. - Ha! Balderdash!

One day, everybody will be paid the same amount ofmoney.

[Stammering] I won't have an English servant in my house!

Bad for morale! It may cause the whole empire to crumble.

- I have my rights. - Rights 7

This is not some namby-pamby suburb of London, sir.

This is the Raj!

Raj or not, he 's all we have.

We shan't stay where we're not welcome.

- [Frogs [making] - [ Monkeys Grunting]

[Monkey S creeching ]

[Gasps]

[Gasping]

[Screams]

Have you been drinking the water?

We were warned about Delhi belly.

I'm warning you about the Madras madness.

An all-consuming fever caused by the water.

[ Horace ] You become obsessed with sex.

- You see it everywhere you /oo/ - Oh !

- The xmagxhatxbn COHJLITGS up the wildest fantasies. - [ Gas ps ]

- You feel powerless. Your knees go weak. - One sip and all you--

I assure you I haven't touched the water.

Your eyes are like deep shimmering pools oftea.

Your thighs-- like strong, young tea plants.

Your breasts- Oh-

like beautiful, medium-size sacks of tea leaves.

- Your ankles are like-- - That's quite enough tea talk.

Two lumps ofsugar?

Ifl stay, George stays.

[Mumbling]

[Meaning]

Cedric 7

Huh?

Do you ever have strange feelings?

What sort ofstrange feelings?

Well,

sometimes ljust feel... strange.

I see.

I also have strange feelings.

Pleasant ones?

I'm afraid I cannot say whether they are pleasant or not.

Society does not allow it.

Isuggest you hide these feelings...

in the closet.

Spiffy.

Ifit be pleasing to you.

Iam bringing you a gin and tonic.

It's as easy as that.

Remember the lateral head oscillation.

That is fi/ghtfu/A/ important, yeah.

If you not be liking a gin and tonic,

I can be obtaining...

whatsoever other drink you may be preferring.

Vobble, vobble, vobble.

I feel terrible.

[Emily] / hate it here.

We all do. It's India.

♪♪ [ Continues]

The smells,

the heat, the dust.

This mosquito net. Oh, when can we leave?

Don't be hasty, child. Cedrids great-uncle has invited us to stay.

We must do whatever he wants.

- Whenever he wants. - Aunt Agnes.

However many times he wants.

Where are you, my darling 7

[ Horace ] Ah, there 's my filly.

A splendid day, what?

[ A gnes ] You lool< rather regal lil

Yeah. Yeah. You see that 7

I can see you've played this before.

[Chuckles]

Fetch !

[ Agnes ] You can 't possibly p/a y without a ball.

I'm pregnant.

Well?

Aren't you going to say anything?

Could we have our ball back, please? [Chuckles]

What are you going to do 7

- I suppose I'll have it put down. - Put down 7

For Cambridge.

- Oh, my Emily. - Edward, will you please get the ball ?

- Hey, nonny, nonny! - Oi! You, oink.

Put my sister down and give us our ball back.

“FT/nxd] - Oh! ' [ Giggling]

Now we can get married.

Can't we 7

I'm sorry. Shan't!

[ Slapping ]

[ Agnes ] Damn flies l

Damn flies l

- These damn flies! - [ Slapping ]

[ Horace Laughing]

- Oh, these damn flies! - Yeah! -[Slap]

What was that?

[Envelopes Rustling]

- Don 't stop. Where are you going ? - [ Door Opens ]

Time to spread the British Empire.

"Dear George.

No need for breakfast. Emily.“

" Dear Aunt Agnes,

lam with child after a most sord-“

"After a most sordid encounter in Rome.

Please tell no one. I am so sorry.

Emily.“

I'm going to be Uncle Edders.

"Dear Cedric,

good-bye forever.“

Emily!

[Workers Murmuring]

Emily!

Emily!

[ Woman Speaking, lnnfistinct]

[Speaking Indian]

I say, miss.

- [ Indian] -l say. Excuse me.

Miss, I said, "Excuse me."

[ Women Continues /n Indian]

[Chatter]

[ People Screaming ]

I'll have a pot of Earl Grey.

[Emily Narrating] Recent encounters had con vinced me...

that my privileged upbringing had /

how the other ha/f/ived

/'m determined to rectifi/ the situation immediate/y...

and learn to be more understanding.

- [Children Chattering] - Shoo! Shoo! Shoo! Don't touch that.

Please don 't touch that. Shoo l

Shoo! Who's in charge ofthese wretched animals?

Has anyone seen this girl?

Anyone ?

- Eh. - Has anyone seen th/k girl ?

Do you have something slightly less restrictive?

Uh, excuse me. Have you seen this girl?

Haveyou seen this girl?

Has anyone see this girl ?

[Whistles]

Don 't you whistle at me, you Indian subject.

Now, where on Earth is Cedric 7

ls that you, Cedders?

Quite remarkable. Well done.

Now, wejust need to find out the Indian for " Have you seen this girl?"

Ah.

How do you say, " Have you seen this girl?"

[Coughs] Edward, it's me.

"Edwardismee. Edwardismee." Got it.

Um, Edwardismee.

Edwardismee?

Edwardismee? Edwardismee?

- Edward,you fool, it's me! - Don't confuse me.

"Edwardismee” is more than a mouthful. Edwardismee?

[Speaking Indian]

Sorry, Cedders 7

Edward! Haveyou been taking hashish?

Cedric.

You rotter!

- Havel been taking what? - Hash/sh.

- Bless you. - [Man Yelling /n Indian]

Cedders 7

- They're still there, Cedders. - Never mind.

Maybe one ofthem knows where Emily is.

We will continue the search for the mother of my child...

as soon as I acquire more appropriate clothing.

JMCrowd Singing]

[EmilyThinking] Christ, this food is disgusting.

It's no wonder they're so thin.

According to the map, this mission thingys very, very close.

Do you make an effort to be stupid, or does it come naturally?

Are those the only two choices?

Shut up. Please, shut up. I'm begging you.

What's the matter?

What ifshe says no?

My God, Cedders, this is it. We've found it!

Cedders 7

Cedders !

- [ Gasps] - Mr. Twilling.

Uh, Miss Ivory.

Having carefully considered the advantages and disadvantages,

I feel it is my duty to ask you to become my wife...

so that no man may say a Trilling child might be a bastard.

You make it sound so romantic.

Perhaps I might try-

ls there a little boy's room?

Oh. Be my guest.

It's not much more than a hole in the ground.

0/1, for hea ven 's-

She's not over here, Cedders.

- [ Toilet Flushes] - So.

Willyou marry me or no?

I've made love to George.

- I thinkwe're on the wrong mission. - Edward.

- Hello, sis. - Your trollop sister's had carnal dalliances with George.

- It's true. - Emily, how could you?

- Well, I-- - Be that as it may.

We must wed for the sake ofour child.

And what pray ifl'm not pregnant?

- What? - You're really not with child?

Hurrah!

- Hey, nonny nonny. - [ Elephant Trumpets ]

~ Emily! " George!

[ Elephant Trumpets ]

This George is proving rather troublesome.

I was quite looking forward to the three of us living together.

I want the hand ofyour niece.

Emily must make her own decisions.

- [Screams] - So you wouldn't object?

- I don't give a monkey's. - [ Mumbling]

Stop!

I got them, but there's no name in them.

Oh, damn!

Damn! Damn! Damn!

[Horace Mumbling]

[Chatter]

Oh. gads!

[Chatter]

Save the lawn!

Fuck the lawn!

Save the plantation!

[Yelling In Indian]

Abso-bloody-lutely typical.

I mean, you lot always stick together, don't you? Don't you?

With your fancy ways and your-- your la-dee-da talk.

Yeah, well, I may be scum, butl am proud ofit.

I mean, you ma y thinl you control the whole bloody world“

with your empire, but let me te/l you this.

That l, George,

have every faith in the lndianjustice system.

[ Horace ] The British legal system...

is the greatest in the world.

In fact, there is no other legal system.

It is the very foundation...

ofcivi/iza tion itself

Prisoner, how do you plead?

Not guilty.

Let it be recorded that the condemned pleaded not guilty.

- "Condemned ?" You just said, "Condemned." - Objection !

- You're my lawyer! - Objection ! - Overruled.

Lunch !

Not you.

Thankyou.

Well, get on with it!

[L a wyer] You are Cedric Tri/ling ?

Cedric Lionel Trilling.

May I askyou what you observed on the night in question?

I saw a man carrying a lighted torch towards the plantation.

That man.

And, uh, how did you recognize the defendant... in the dark ?

He was walking with a commonefs gait.

Do you have anyone to corroborate this story?

Um.

L-l think so.

- You either are Edward Ivory, or you're not. - He is.

I saw, um-

"l saw a man carrying a lighted torch.

'Batmany.

And how did you know it to be the defendant?

He was walking with a Communisfs goat.

Right. Defense.

You are aunt to Miss Emily Ivory?

"Aunt” 7 She's more ofa mother to the girl.

This woman is a saint.

[ Horace ] She has devoted her who/e life...

to the upbringing of her niece and her idiot nephew.

Selflessly putting their health, their happiness...

above her own...

womanly desires and urges...

and needs.

I love this woman.

No further questions.

But, uh, I would /i/ to read th/3 /etter from his father,

which will serve as a character reference.

"lfit please YourWorship, my son is a scum."

Ten years plus two...

for ha ving pleaded not guilty,

making 13 years in all.

[Emi/yk Voice] Dearest George,

I ga ve you my heart and my hymen,

but I would rather marry Cedric than give birth outside of wedlock.

Although you and / cannot be together,

I will ensure your chi/d has the best possible upbringing.

I shall hand the baby over to your father.

No! Sell it to pirates.

Abandon it on a mountain. Let it be brought up by wolves. Anything.

Shall I pretend it is Cedrids, then?

Willyou not wait for me?

[Sniffles] Dear, dear George.

[Sniffles] I'm betrothed to poor, poor Cedric.

No. Poor, poor George.

I am betrothed to dear, dear Cedric.

No. Poor, dear George, I am betrothed to dear--

You don't love him! [Sobbing]

I may not love him, but he is presentable.

- So it's good-bye. - I hate saying good-bye.

- Au revoir. - Ciao.

- Shalom. - Shalom Ala/chem.

[ Door Opens, Closes ]

[Sighs]

P,“ [ Ceremonial ]

[ Birds Singing]

Ahh.

Hudson, we 're back l

I say, bring all thik stuff indoors, will you ?

There'll be sixpence init foryou. [Chuckles]

There'll be one extra for dinner!

J-'I Opera ]

Bloody fools.

P,“ [Opera Continues ]

Right. Come on.

- No, no, start undress- - Yes, ofcourse.

Start undoing those, but keep- No, keep-

p,“ [Opera Continues ]

Would you excuse me? Out, sir. Out!

Out! Out!

Out! Out! [Continues, indistinct]

[Screams]

P,“ [Opera Continues ]

- _~_~ [Opera Ends] - ♪♪ [Humming]

Are you looking forward to tomorrow then?

Rather. Haven't had a good bash since pater's funeral.

Uh, I wish that Cedric was more like you.

He's such a queer fellow, and you're always so gay.

Oh, I don't think we're so very different.

Cedric.

Darling.

Soon we'll be man and wife.

Or as the poet Homer said-

[Screaming]

- Emily. - [ whimpering]

Oh, Aunt Agnes, I had the worst nightmare.

- Shh. - [ Sobbing]

All right now. All right now.

And you'll wake the baby.

[Crying]

[Screaming]

Emily. what's the matter?

It's all right, darling. Now Aunt Agnes is here.

[Gasping]

- What? - I know this isn't real.

- What 7 - Don't worry. lt'sjust a dream.

[Muffled Screams ]

[Gasping]

Sorry, everyone.

Here, pretty bunny.

Come here, my beauty.

- Son ! - Dad.

Hmm.

There you go, Son.

- There's no pleasing some people. - Dad,just-

Don't " Dad" me!

The shame you brought on this household.

Arsonist. Convict. Escapee!

Consorter of people above your station.

Dad, I am going to marry Emily!

Young Miss Emily is to marry young Master Cedric.

- This very day. - She doesn't love him.

I know Emily, Dad She doesn 't love him.

What do you know about love, you working-class brute?

- Love knows no bounds. - "Love knows no bounds."

[Grunting]

I've never heard such claptrap.

[Mumbling]

I have sired a lunatic to be sure.

[Mumbling]

Just a little something for thejourney.

It's time, dear.

Oh, you look so lovely.

I'm so happyl could cry.

Oh, Aunt Agnes, just remember...

you're not losing a niece,

you're gaining a man who's...

awfully good at croquet.

And who can probably greet the wedding guests...

in Greek, Latin.

- Salve. - Delighted to meet you.

Ka/imera.

And hieroglyphics.

Salve.

- ♪♪ [ "l/I/il/iam Tell Overture "j - [ indistinct Shouting]

Come on, you little sod. I saved you.

Damn it! Blast!

Aah!

[Laughs] HaPPV-

On your way, Brooks.

Just look, bunny, please. just chew the bindings.

- Salve. - Good day.

Ka/imera.

Have you never been in love 7

Please!

Please.

[Gnawing]

Go on.

[Priest] /nto which ho/y estate these two persons present-

thik beautiful young woman with her /o ve/y complexion,

and this man with his unsightly facial hair- come now to bejoined.

Therefore, ifany man can showjust cause...

why they may not lawfully bejoined together,

let him now speak or else hereafter...

forever hold his peace.

For example, ifany man has proofthat one or other ofthese two persons...

is already married.

Or does anybody know whether one or other ofthem...

has any disgusting personal habits?

Or perhaps one ofthem...

has cavorted naked with the devil.

No? Well, then.

There's no rush.

Surely somebody has something to say.

We'rejust so happy to be here. It's so quaint.

- It'sjust like a fairy tale. It's-- - Anybody else?

You look a treat, love, but get on with it.

Stop! She doesn't love him!

Well, I don't know whether that's a good enough reason.

Right. Stand back, e veryone.

This man is an escaped convict.

No! Let him speak.

Ifshe marries that utter cod,

she'll regret it for the rest of her life.

Well, you think she '// marry you ?

A man without a family motto?

' Aye. _ You .7

You what 7 He what 7

-just aye! _ /__

l'l~~

You 7 You 7 What do you meanjust you?

I fearl must confess something.

Oh, out with it!

Edward and I bore false witness against George.

We did it, frankly, because we have these feelings.

These strange feelings.

We love each other!

[Speaking Italian]

/t's cal/ed progress, dearest.

Progress 7

Emily.

Will you marry me?

I've always said that the man that I marry...

must be perfect in every way.

[Priest] / 'm still a bachelor.

Yes, George.

Yes, I will marryyou.

Stop! You're too good for him, love!

You're all fine linen and lacy sweetness!

He'sjust a-

Get a move on, vicar. I'm going into labor.

[ Church Bel/s Telling Camera Shutter Clicks ]