All language subtitles for Stiff Upper Lips (1998)

[Hoe/beats]

[ Gunshot]

-[Chiming]
- [Starter] G0!

[Cheering]

[Cheering Continues]

- [Cheering Continues]
- [Man] Come on, lsaacs!

Blast and buggeration!

Immigrant chappie's
far too good.

I told you...

we should never have allowedjews
into the university.

Or the country.

[ Cheering Continues ]

Not bad. Cedders!
Fancy a snifter?

We should never
have allowed shorts.

They should run
as God intended

Bare cheeked.
Stark naked.

[ Inhales]
Buttocks all a tremble.

[Cheering]

I hope you'll be more fun
when you meet my sister.

I said, I hopeyou'll be more fun
when you meet my sister.

I said, I hopeyou'll be more fun
when you meet my-

- Oh, hello.
- You damn toff!

Edward Ivory. How do you do?
Cedric Trilling, Hugh Damm-Toff.

Not one ofthe Hampshire Damm-Toffs
by any chance?

As I was saying, I do hope you'll
be more fun when you meet Emily.

She's a corking peach.

[Train Whistle Blows]

[Grunts]

[Sighs]
Won't do.

[Bicycle Bells Ringing]

JM Humming]

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

[MotorWhirring]

- [ Horse Whinnies ]
- [Whistle Blows]

Ooh.
[Groans]

[Sighs]

[fowMoosj

[Wheezing]

- Ah, Hudson Senior. Good man.
- [Wheezing]

When mater and pater died, we had hundreds
ofletters from fussy spinster aunts.

- Good clay to you, Master Edward.
Your ticket, please, sir. - Go away.

The aunts all wanted to bring us up to
be arrogant, emotionally stunted...

and completely out oftouch
with the real world.

- But Aunt Agnes was the only one who was
actually related. - [Hudson 5 enior C oughxng ]

Begging your pardon, Master Edward,
but you should also have a ticket.

-L must insist.
- I do so hate ordinary people.

You mustn't hate them.
They have smaller brains.

Ah. Hudson 7

- [Clock Chiming]
- Hudson !

Awful shame
about your father.

Strokes are
rare/y fatal.

I wonder what
Cedric will be like.

Edward said
that he's most handsome.

In which case, we must make
a good impression.

- Rosie?
- Yes, ma'am?

- You're fired.
- Yes, ma'am.

Aunt Agnes, how could you? Now we
have no one left to clean the house.

Ifyou don't find a husband quickly,
you will soon be an old maid like me.

- But l'm only 22. - Why ever did you
turn down that proposal from the vicar ?

What's his name?
Mr. Tweeb.

His eyebrows are over twice the socially
acceptable level of bushiness.

The man that I marry
must be...

perfect in every way.

Hmm.

Watch out!

[Groans]

- Edward, could you please slow down?
- Why?

Emily, this is
my very dear friend,

Mr. Cedric Trilling.

How charming
to meet you.

And this is Aunt Agnes, our guardian
with the withering look.

I wasjust remarking how important it is for
a young lady to be married by the age of22.

Hasn't the weather
been pleasant?

Most certainly. The sky this morning
was exactly as the poet Homer described.

"Da wn 's rosy- tipped fingers
illuminating the heavens."

Mmm.

- A-And wasn't the rain yesterday
dreadful ? - Most certairvy.

It was exactly as
the poet Homer described.

"The sparkling droplets fell
from the sl< y lil

from the swollen eyes
ofthe daughter ofZeus.“

Daughter ofZeus? I expect
she was married before she was 22.

R/ght-o, Cedders.
Show you to your room.

Why must you always
embarrass me?

A lady should never discuss the weather
with a potential husband.

They ought to maintain an air
of mystery for the wedding night.

Hurry up with those, Hudson.
It's nearly time for tea.

And, Emily.

Do try to look prettier.

What's up, son?

- Some bloody fools in a car almost
killed me! - Areyou all right P

Come sit by the fire.

I'll put some nice raw vegetables
in boiling water forya.

Hmm.

Idiots were heading
forlvory Hall.

Ivory Hall?

You haven't...
dented the Rolls?

- Ooh !
- People like us...

are the scum ofthe Earth,
and don't you ever forget it.

[Sighs]
Come here, bunny.

Here at Ivory Hall,
we have a few little traditions.

- The fewer and littler the better.
- Yes.

Cucumber sandwiches pass always
to the right, never to the left.

Lemon tea /s drunk only on Tuesdays
and Thursdays, except in Lent

And you must never use your knife
for buttering hot muffins,

unless you are a member
of His Majesty's armed forces.

I trust you will endeavor
not to forget them.

- I shall not forget them. I shall
ignore them. - [ Bell Tinkling]

Emily, dear, do laugh
at Mr. Trillingk del/ghtful witticism.

Certainly,
the moment he makes one.

- [Tinkling]
- Hudson!

[Groaning]

Mmm. These cucumber sandwiches
are marvelous, are they not?

Hudson baked the loaf
himself.

The cucumber ought to be
more finely sliced,

and the texture ofthe bread
is rather too rough.

- Is the tea toyour liking ? - It is
exactly as the poet Homer described.

"Like the poisonous bro wn juice which
flows from the giant lizard of he/l."

And what about the chair?

- Is the chair on which you are
sitting satisfactory ? - Of course.

Perhaps it's made out
ofthe wrong type ofwood.

Perhaps the upholstery is as
the poet Homer described.

Do forgive my niece. She is somewhat
nervous in the presence ofsuitors.

Oh, Aunt Agnes, I have no intention
ofmarrying Mr. Trilling!

I confess, I do not
like him in the slightest.

- Emily!
- In fact, I hate him. He has no manners!

I should rather kill myself
than marry him!

- I do hope l've not offended
you in any way. - No, no, no.

- I shall write you a letter ofapology
immediately. - It is I who is in the wrong.

- I shall depart for Cambridge
straightaway. - You can'? g0 f

We can't play croquet
with only three of us.

[Groaning]

- [Edward] Oh, Hudson! C roquet please.
- Certainly, sir.

[AuntAgnes 's Voice]
Today has gone splendid/y.

Emily feigns dislike,

but I sense a weakening
on her part.

[Emi/ys Voice] His mustache
resembles a pair of wet hedgehogs paws.

[Sighs]

Perhaps I was too hasty
about the vicars eyebrows.

[Sighs]

[Cedrids Voice] There is something
about her slim, elegant figure...

that rather reminds me
of Edward

Hmm.

[ Edward 's Voice] Dear Diary, it is
such fun to be back at Ivory Ha//.

lam very pleased
to see my bears again,

and they are very pleased
to see me.

[ Bear Makes
Mechanical Sound]

Mighty-night, Tedders.

[Liquid Boiling]

[Man On Record] "Allowable Face
Movements For Butlers, Part Three."

The upper lip
must never tremble.

/t might be interpreted as human
emotion, which is most unacceptable.

- M m - h m m .
- When being insulted,

a hint ofa polite smile
is customary.

- Teeth must never be re vealed
- H m m.

Gums should be cleaned daily with seven
parts sulfuric acid to one part water...

in order not to offend
the noses ofemp/oy-

Where will you go?

Me nan has kindly invited me
to London town...

to stay with her
and be a prostitute.

You are indeed fortunate
to have such an understanding family.

- Ifyou're ever passin', do pop in.
- Hmph.

Like her and me mam
and me sister,

I hope to bear many illegitimate
children into abject poverty.

And you?
Will you manage on your own?

Iam a Hudson.

And you never get bitter.

[Ringing]

Never!

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Door Closes ]

[ Liquid Boiling]

[Sighs]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[Chuckles]

Mmm.

I do wish you'd let me
lend you a pair oftrunks.

[ Cedric ]
/ 'm quite happy like this.

S0, what do you think
of m y sister ?

Shush!
Someone may overhear us.

Cedders !

Ifyou insist on talking about this matter,
I, for my part, insist we do it in Latin.

Um-

P/acetne tibi...
mea soror ?

l/la habet
coxennfices graci/es.

- She hasjackdaws that must be baked.
- Slim hips.

Oh. [Chuckles]
What else 7

Quoque i/la habet
ocu/os bel/os.

What 7
She owns warlike swans?

N ot "olores be/icos. "
Ocu/os bel/os.

Oh, eyes! Warlike eyes!
No, beautiful eyes!

Beautiful eyes.
She has beautiful eyes. And?

[Cedric]
And” illa habet...

mammas bell/ores.

She has ghosts
from Belgium?

Mammas, breasts! Bell/ores,
rather pretty or interesting!

She has rather pretty
or interesting breasts l

[ Edward ] And what do you think
of her character ?

l/la quam frater
duct/or est.

Something, something,
something "surgeon."

Exactly.

[Yells]

- She <:an't swim ! What are we
going to do ? - I don't know.

- She's your sister.
- [ Gasping]

- You've got to do something!
- [Emily] Help!

Adiuvate l

Adiuvate l

Adiuvate l Adiuvate l

Adiuvate!

Adiuvate l

Festina 0 homo.

Festina l

Festina l

[Coughing]

[Gasping]

Thank you.

l__
I owe you my life.

But brave stranger,
who are you 7

My name's George.

[Emily]
George.

[Panting] You have a ripping set
of... unmentionables.

Ugh!
He's avillager.

How dareyou!

- Clear off, you horrid ruffian!
- She could've drowned!

- Go back to your hovel!
- Well said, Cedders.

-L saved herlife!
- You did not save my life.

And it is impertinent, although typical ofyour
obvious peasant upbringing, to thinkyou did.

/n fact, Cedric sa ved my life...
by shouting so bra ve/y.

Hurrah!

I'm willing not to report this
to a constable so long...

as you go away
and never speak of it to anyone.

Shoo.
[Sneezes]

Shoo!

[AuntAgnes] I cannot believe that
you did not express your gratitude.

He was a peasant,
and he had no clothes on.

T 've probabfl/ caught some awful drBease/kxst
fiom beirvg x}? close contact with him.

[AuntAgnes]
N0 clothes on at all ?

It was quite, quite horrid.
Oh!

Ah, ah-

Ah-

- Nothing?
- No.

- Mayl have more soup, please?
- Certainly.

And, he was standing
with his front to wards you ?

Yes, and I could see
something...

dangling-

- [Clears Throat]
- [ Edward ] I can vouch for that.

Although his dangling was nothing like
mine. What about you, Cedders?

It was a working-class dangling.
He didn't dangle with dignity.

[ Clearing Throat ]

Quite right, Hudson.

It's quite improper that a matter such
as this should be discussed over dinner.

- [ Sneezes]
- Send for the doctor.

Certainly, ma'am.

And how are we today?

Ill-

She has an awful cold. What treatment
do you recommend, Doctor?

Please remove
all your garments.

- Shall I go?
- Well, the ointment is... rather smelly.

Yes, right.

- Hudson?
- Sir?

[Mumbling]
God Almighty.

Hurry UP-

- Thankyou.
- Sir.

What is that
you're reading?

Show me, show me.

It's the new
E.M. Forster novel.

Oh, not another one!
ls it amusing?

I find it difficult to identify
with the characters,

but the locations
are quite enchanting.

This steamy trifle
is bya Miss Cartland.

[Grunting]

- / don 't have all day, Miss Emily.
- I'm going as fast as I can.

[ Grunt/mg]

-l wonder ifl might have a word, ma'am.
- Ofcourse, Hudson.

What is it?

How can I best
put this?

My family has worked foryour family
going back five generations now.

- Tradition is a fine, fine thing.
- Indeed, ma'am.

Uh, how best
to put this 7

Afteryears of devoted service,
frankly...

- I'm getting a shade peed off.
- Hudson !

You have dismissed, ma'am,
all my senior under-butiers,

and myjunior over-butlers,

leaving me, ma'am,
to run this entire estate.

- Hudson.
- Don't "Hudson" me, ifl may be so bold.

- Your idiot family is quite barking mad.
- Well!

Is this whyyou've been
urinating in the soup again?

There will be worse
to come, ma'am,

in the main course
and the pudding...

ifl don't get a break
ofsome sort.

What a capital idea!
Edward !

- Hudson hasjust given me the most
delightful idea. - The ointment-

I propose the best cure for Emily's
awful cold is a trip to Italy.

- What about the ointment ? - Yes, please. A
holiday will make me feel so much better.

She could die
unless she gets this ointment!

-L shall make the arrangements at once!
-[Groans]

What about the ointment?

Um, I've got
a bit ofa snuffle.

- Good evening, dear lady.
- Mr. Tweeb, good evening.

- May I venture to ask ifthere
is any news ? - About what ?

My proposal...
to your niece?

Oh, dear.
Did I forget to tell you?

She said "no? She said your eyebrows
are too bushy.

And anyway,
she has a new admirer.

Good evening.

♪♪ [ Crowd Singing]

JMSinging Continues]

- ♪ Um-pah-pah ♪
- [ Crowd ] ,*And we g0 um-pah-pah,'

[Sniffs]

Ma'am.

I'm looking for the young man
who rescued my niece.

I believe his name
is George.

My niece drew this.

[Hushed Chattering]

- That'll be Eric's lad.
- Where is this Eric?

Excuse me, good lady. Beggin' your
pardon and everything, Your Ladyship.

I have a son,
Your Extreme Daintiness,

whose name,
if it please Your Worship,

is... George.

Is he also
an imbecile?

[Hushed Chattering]

How dare you...
touch a lady!

- But she was drowning, Dad.
- So 7

Her in her "delicatest,"
whitest linen,

and you in your filthy
peasant rags!

I don't believe so.

Oh! You were naked!
Naked !

My son should not have been in the same
county as your niece without his pants on.

- But she could've bloody died!
- I beg you, dear, sweet lady.

Is there some way he can
put right the terrible wrong...

he has done to you,
yourfamily and the king?

Get up,
for goodness sake.

There is indeed a way he can
put right this dreadful wrong.

Thankyou, thankyou.

You shall accompany us
on a trip to Italy as servant.

Servant? How bloody typical
ofyour bloody class.

I 'm not going. I 'm staying here.
My dad needs me.

Bollocks I do!
A son ofmine servant...

to "holidaying"
gent/efo/k.

lfon/y my dad cou/dfi/e lived
to see this happy da y!

Of course, I understand ifyou would prefer
to remain here for the rest ofyour life,

just you, your father and a hovel
full ofrabbit entrails.

[Eric]
Italy. Can you imagine ?

But why? Why him?

- Hudson can't go.
- But why?

He has-
He has a bladder problem.

- But why?
- Because!

And one more "but why" from you,
and we shan't go at all.

Aunt Agnes,
I hate you, I hate you!

Aunt Agnes 7
Aunt Agnes !

Help.

Help _/

Oh, no.

Aunt Agnes! This is not at all
what we were led to expect.

[Emily] Edward, let go.
Why do you have to be such a baby?

- It's my room. Let go ofthe key.
- Why do you need a view?

- You don't like sunshine.
- You know why I get the room with a view!

[ A untAgnes ]
What if Emily exchanges with me ?

Then I'll exchange with Edward so that
Edward can exchange with Mr. Tweeb.

What a coincidence
you 're staying here.

- It is a coincidence. Utterly...
- [ George ] Damn!

coincidental.

We/l, then,
Mr. Tweeb can exchange with--

Hellfire!

He can swap with us.
We got a great view.

Back home, all the rooms
have fantastic views.

Then kindly return there
at once.

As I was saying, Mr. Tweeb
can exchange with- Who's left?

- Me.
- I am not sleeping in the stables.

Might I be allowed to suggest
a solution? Edward can share my room.

Oh, yes.

And George can have Edward's room.
There! See how simple it is.

[ George ]
Sod/t!

I thinkwe'll manage
without the gravy, George.

Isn't it all so beautiful,
Aunt Agnes?

The city's such a dangerous place
for an innocent, young Englishwoman.

Anything could happen.
George.

L et's hope so. I thin/< I might
run naked through the ancient ruins.

You will do
no such thing!

- People passing by might see
your private parts. - George.

Since we arrived
in Italy,

those parts have become
a source ofmuch pleasure,

and much... frustration.

Think of Cedric.
He '// ne ver marry you.

There are plenty more fish
in the Grand Canal.

According to my guidebook,
ifwe turn left and then first right,

we should be standing directly
in front ofthe Eiffel Tower.

[Clears Throat]

Emily!

Emily?

[Murmuring In Italian]

[Murmuring Continues]

Emily!

- Stop it!
- But, Aunt Agnes, I'm thirsty.

They might get the wrong idea.
They might think that-

Well, that you want
to get married to them.

That's all right, then. You're
desperate for me to get married.

Yes, but not
to an Italian!

My feet are hurting.

- I've got blisters the size of Bognor.
- [ Cedric ] Thafs nothing.

- My blisters are exactly as the poet
Patalis described. - Do shut up!

- George 7
[George] What?

Ah! Lay the lawn,
please, George.

Thankyou, George.
Load it all up again.

- Aurev0ir.
- [ Laughing]

[Snoring]

Cedric 7

JOh, Cedric;

JWs me;

Emily!

- Huh? What's going on?
- Clear offor I'll hityou.

Ri ght-o.

It's really not proper
foryou to be here.

- What would your aunt say?
- Mr. Tri/ling you are most handsome.

I fear she would say
no such thing.

- Edward !
- /'m a young virgin in Italy.

I want my sexual awakening,
and I want it now.

[ Birds Chirp/mg]

"lfthe arousal techniques described in
chapters one to 42 have all failed,

do not despair,
help is at hand.

The English member
can often be excited...

by'aural' stimulation.

Try the following words:
[Clears Throat]

Ankle.

[Clears Throat]
Navel.

Tongue. Cricket.
Nanny.

Warm beer.
The National Anthem.

Shakespeare.
Earl Grey.

- Steak and kidney. Eton. Cam-J'
- [ Gasps]

Eton.

Eton.

Eton, Eton.

- [ Edward ] Can I come in yet ?
- No! Eton!

Eton, Eton, Eton,
Eton, Eton.

- Please!
- Oh, Edward, Edward, Edward! Ouch.

[Groans]
Oh, really, Edward.

According to my guidebook, we must be on the
lookout for elephants and rhinoceroses.

- Mr. Tweeb?
- Yes, Miss Emily?

We're here!

Miss Emily, have you not noticed
something different?

- Reverend, you trimmed your eyebrows.
- Their length is now decent?

As decent a pair ofeyebrows as I've
seen on a member ofthe clergy.

Well done.

Such unfortunate
nasal hair.

Oh, look!

Ah, Mr.Trilling!

What could possibly compare
to a simple picnic?

Dog bite? Tooth extraction?
War?

Food always tastes nicer
in the open air.

No, it always tastes
exactly the same.

'Tis a beautiful clay, and we are in the
middle ofa quite spectacular countryside.

- Why must you always criticize
everything ? - lt's my hobby.

I thought, perhaps, you were
compensating for some inadequacy.

[ F/y Buzzing ]

[Dishes C/anging]

Come forawalk.

I'm busy.

I'm going forawalk,
and I want you to come with me.

Has it occurred--

p,“ [ Woman Sings
/n lta/ian ]

p,“ [ Continues /n Italian]

p,“ [ Continues /n Italian]

- Kiss me. - No. just 'cause l'm
employed as your servant...

doesn't give you the right
to abuse me like a piece ofwood.

- Eton 7
- I had a sandwich.

Wha- No, I--

Steak and kidney?

Beg your pardon?

Oh, dear.

P,“ [ Singing Continues ]

p,“ [ Continues ]

The weather's
very nice today.

P,“ [ Continues ]

Emily!

Come quick/y.

Mr. Trilling has achieved
the most amazing erection.

Oh.

[Sniffs]

[ Door Opens ]

I want you to know what happened
today must ne ver happen again.

I agree.

I don't blame you. You <:an't helpyourself.
You're a member of the lower classes.

I said, I agree.

- Well, I despise you.
- I despise you too.

I despise you more
than you despise me.

[Sniffs, Sighs]

[Emily]
And I despise you. Hmm.

0h, God,
/ despise you!

[Pant/mg] I despise you!
0h, God, ldesp/ke you!

- 0h, God!
- Have faith, my child. Have faith.

Idesp/ke you.
0h, God! 0h, God!

- Have faith! Have faith!
- 0h, God! 0h, God!

- Have faith! Have faith! Have faith!
- Oh, God!

0h, yes!
S weer jesus l

[Meaning]

- You were ripping last night.
- Thanks very much.

Such... strong arms.

Aye.

That's the rabbit skinning
forya.

- [ Exhales]
- What do we do now, George ?

I don't know.

I've never really
done this before.

Well,willyou do
the right thing?

Ofcourse.

Emily.
will you marry me?

Thankyou. I will consideryour
proposal and reply to you by letter.

Now,
bring me my breakfast.

[Emi/yk Voice] "Dear George,
/ am most frightful/y sorry,

but I must refuse your kind offer
of marriage.

Yours sincere/y,
Miss E. Ivory. "

[Georgek Voice ] "l cannot
understand why you have rejected me.

Please, reconsider.
George. "

[Emi/yk Voice] "l cannot possibly
marry beneath m ystation. Emily."

[Georgek Voice]
"Why not P"

[Emi/yk Voice]
"Because l"

[ Georges Voice ] "Because what ?
/s c/ass a barrier to true love ?

Did last night
mean nothing to you P"

[Erick Voice] "Dearson, people
/i/

And don 't you ever
forget it. Fu// stop.

Your Dad
Fu// stop. "

What's wrong with you,
child 7

Nothing.

Well, then, stop looking like someone
who'sjust lost her virginity.

[Laughs]

Whoa.

What 7

Boy, give me my ball back!

Mr. Tri/ling do amuse us
with your rapier-like wit.

No.

[Laughing]

[Chattering In Italian]

P,“ [ Men Singing
/n Italian]

p,“ [ Singing Continues ]

This lawn is awfully heavy.
Isn't it Emily's turn?

I don't understand whyyou had to
give the servant the day off.

I had no choice.
He explained it all to me.

A servant has halfa clay off each fortnight,
or a whole clay ifit's in a foreign country.

- Why did you agree to that ? - He said
ifl didn't agree, he'd go on strike.

I'll horsewhip
his backside.

- And sowill I!
- lsaidit first.

[ A unt Agnes ]
That looks /ike his backside to me.

I'll leave you two to fight it out.
We're going back to the pens/one.

- Emily!
- Please let me stay. l'll-

- I'll be safe with Edward.
- Safe with Edward?

Have you lost
your senses 7

And with the handsome
Mr. Tri/ling

- ♪♪ [Instrumental]
- [Chatter/mg]

- What color am I again 7
- Black.

My brother and Cedric are playing chess for
the honor of horsewhipping your backside.

Black, eh?
Hmm.

[ Shouting /n Italian,
Glass Shattering ]

[Arguing In Italian]

What did he say?

"She's mine. I have her."

Then the other one said, "No, I want- I
want to pierce or otherwise penetrate-J'

- Hurry up, old chap.
- This is a Latin dictionary, not Italian.

I'm endeavoring to provide as accurate
a translation as I can.

[ Arguing Continues ]

My sister's over there.
You've got to help.

She might be pierced
or otherwise penetrated.

It's my day off.

[Ticking]

- [ Sniffi n g ]
- MuntAgnes] /t's getting very late.

- I do hope they're safe.
- Can we do anything to help?

- No, thankyou. The British can look after
themselves. - [ Scoffs] Yeah, right.

S0, she 's completely repulsed
by all manner of facial hair ?

- Yes, I'm afraid she is.
- [Clock Chiming]

[Shouting]

Aren't you going to rescue me?

Ow!

- I insist that you rescue me at once!
- No! I'm too common.

- I never said you were common.
- Then why won't you marry me?

Maybe I'm afraid
to commit.

I come from a repressed background. l'm
trying to come to terms with the real me,

and I don't even know
who the real me is.

I have to learn
to love myself!

- Hmm.
- Well?

- [ Door Bangs Open]
- What happened?

We had to leave Emily in the bar
in the mid ofa really big fight.

As the poet Homersaid,
"The blood ran thick...

like a river
of rosy, dappled entrails.“

We must write
to the British ambassador at once.

You may have cute accents,
but you've no idea...

how to protect
yourselves.

[Man]
Lefs g0, hon.

Emily!

Thankyou, George.

I really can't abide
these public displays ofaffection.

You know,

you are what we call
a real "tightass"!

You're most kind.

This trip has been
an awful mistake.

First I had my underwear stolen,
and now this.

Italyis so foreign.

Look at the effect it has had
on poor Mr. Tweeb.

[Groaning]

I propose we go
somewhere more English.

The lawn, please, George.

[Chattering]

[Aunt Agnes]
It is so kind ofyou to take us in.

Italy wrought havoc with Emi/yk
delicate constitution.

We couldn't find a single pens/one
in all ofDelhi.

Great Uncle Horace owns
the biggest tea plantation in India.

It covers an area four times the size
ofScot/and

It's prettier than Scotland.
More interesting than Scotland.

And best ofall,
there are no Scotsmen living here.

Of course, we mustn't outstay our welcome.
We shall leave for England...

as soon as Emily's ability to hold
her breakfast down improves.

Or tomorrow.

Edward !

- Stop it at once!
- When in Rome-

Put it away.

India has driven many people
absolute/y mad, including m yse/f

Yes. I'm sure Emily
is feeling better already.

- Lefs be off
- Dear/ady,

the presence ofa beautiful Englishwoman
is rare in these parts.

You, too, have designs
on my niece.

Aren 't you a little
on the old side ?

I wasn't referring
to your niece.

Oh!

Dear sweet lady,

how many thousands ofmen's hearts
have you shattered 7

[Laughs]
So many, dear boys.

Including our own king,
when he was Prince ofWales.

Oh.

Good grief!
He's white!

Aye, that's right,
I'm white. So what?

All men are equal,
and all women.

- The world is a changing place.
- Ha! Balderdash!

One day, everybody will be paid
the same amount ofmoney.

[Stammering] I won't have
an English servant in my house!

Bad for morale! It may
cause the whole empire to crumble.

- I have my rights.
- Rights 7

This is not some namby-pamby suburb
of London, sir.

This is the Raj!

Raj or not,
he 's all we have.

We shan't stay
where we're not welcome.

- [Frogs [making]
- [ Monkeys Grunting]

[Monkey S creeching ]

[Gasps]

[Gasping]

[Screams]

Have you been
drinking the water?

We were warned
about Delhi belly.

I'm warning you
about the Madras madness.

An all-consuming fever
caused by the water.

[ Horace ]
You become obsessed with sex.

- You see it everywhere you /oo/<.
- Oh !

- The xmagxhatxbn COHJLITGS up the
wildest fantasies. - [ Gas ps ]

- You feel powerless. Your knees go weak.
- One sip and all you--

I assure you
I haven't touched the water.

Your eyes are like
deep shimmering pools oftea.

Your thighs--
like strong, young tea plants.

Your breasts-
Oh-

like beautiful, medium-size sacks
of tea leaves.

- Your ankles are like--
- That's quite enough tea talk.

Two lumps ofsugar?

Ifl stay, George stays.

[Mumbling]

[Meaning]

Cedric 7

Huh?

Do you ever have
strange feelings?

What sort
ofstrange feelings?

Well,

sometimes ljust feel...
strange.

I see.

I also have
strange feelings.

Pleasant ones?

I'm afraid I cannot say whether they
are pleasant or not.

Society does not
allow it.

Isuggest you hide
these feelings...

in the closet.

Spiffy.

Ifit be pleasing to you.

Iam bringing you
a gin and tonic.

It's as easy as that.

Remember the lateral head
oscillation.

That is fi/ghtfu/A/
important, yeah.

If you not be liking
a gin and tonic,

I can be obtaining...

whatsoever other drink
you may be preferring.

Vobble, vobble, vobble.

I feel terrible.

[Emily]
/ hate it here.

We all do.
It's India.

♪♪ [ Continues]

The smells,

the heat, the dust.

This mosquito net.
Oh, when can we leave?

Don't be hasty, child. Cedrids
great-uncle has invited us to stay.

We must do
whatever he wants.

- Whenever he wants.
- Aunt Agnes.

However many times
he wants.

Where are you,
my darling 7

[ Horace ]
Ah, there 's my filly.

A splendid day, what?

[ A gnes ]
You lool< rather regal lil

Yeah. Yeah.
You see that 7

I can see you've
played this before.

[Chuckles]

Fetch !

[ Agnes ]
You can 't possibly p/a y without a ball.

I'm pregnant.

Well?

Aren't you going
to say anything?

Could we have our ball back,
please? [Chuckles]

What are you
going to do 7

- I suppose I'll have it put down.
- Put down 7

For Cambridge.

- Oh, my Emily.
- Edward, will you please get the ball ?

- Hey, nonny, nonny!
- Oi! You, oink.

Put my sister down
and give us our ball back.

“FT/nxd] - Oh! ' [ Giggling]

Now we can get married.

Can't we 7

I'm sorry. Shan't!

[ Slapping ]

[ Agnes ]
Damn flies l

Damn flies l

- These damn flies!
- [ Slapping ]

[ Horace Laughing]

- Oh, these damn flies!
- Yeah! -[Slap]

What was that?

[Envelopes Rustling]

- Don 't stop. Where are you going ?
- [ Door Opens ]

Time to spread
the British Empire.

"Dear George.

No need for breakfast.
Emily.“

" Dear Aunt Agnes,

lam with child
after a most sord-“

"After a most sordid
encounter in Rome.

Please tell no one.
I am so sorry.

Emily.“

I'm going to be
Uncle Edders.

"Dear Cedric,

good-bye forever.“

Emily!

[Workers Murmuring]

Emily!

Emily!

[ Woman Speaking,
lnnfistinct]

[Speaking Indian]

I say, miss.

- [ Indian]
-l say. Excuse me.

Miss, I said,
"Excuse me."

[ Women Continues
/n Indian]

[Chatter]

[ People Screaming ]

I'll have a pot
of Earl Grey.

[Emily Narrating]
Recent encounters had con vinced me...

that my privileged upbringing
had /

how the other ha/f/ived

/'m determined to rectifi/
the situation immediate/y...

and learn to be
more understanding.

- [Children Chattering] - Shoo!
Shoo! Shoo! Don't touch that.

Please don 't touch that.
Shoo l

Shoo! Who's in charge
ofthese wretched animals?

Has anyone
seen this girl?

Anyone ?

- Eh.
- Has anyone seen th/k girl ?

Do you have something
slightly less restrictive?

Uh, excuse me.
Have you seen this girl?

Haveyou seen this girl?

Has anyone
see this girl ?

[Whistles]

Don 't you whistle at me,
you Indian subject.

Now, where on Earth
is Cedric 7

ls that you, Cedders?

Quite remarkable.
Well done.

Now, wejust need to find out the Indian
for " Have you seen this girl?"

Ah.

How do you say,
" Have you seen this girl?"

[Coughs]
Edward, it's me.

"Edwardismee. Edwardismee."
Got it.

Um, Edwardismee.

Edwardismee?

Edwardismee?
Edwardismee?

- Edward,you fool, it's me!
- Don't confuse me.

"Edwardismee” is more
than a mouthful. Edwardismee?

[Speaking Indian]

Sorry, Cedders 7

Edward!
Haveyou been taking hashish?

Cedric.

You rotter!

- Havel been taking what?
- Hash/sh.

- Bless you.
- [Man Yelling /n Indian]

Cedders 7

- They're still there, Cedders.
- Never mind.

Maybe one ofthem knows
where Emily is.

We will continue the search
for the mother of my child...

as soon as I acquire
more appropriate clothing.

JMCrowd Singing]

[EmilyThinking]
Christ, this food is disgusting.

It's no wonder
they're so thin.

According to the map, this
mission thingys very, very close.

Do you make an effort to be stupid,
or does it come naturally?

Are those
the only two choices?

Shut up. Please, shut up.
I'm begging you.

What's the matter?

What ifshe says no?

My God, Cedders, this is it.
We've found it!

Cedders 7

Cedders !

- [ Gasps]
- Mr. Twilling.

Uh, Miss Ivory.

Having carefully considered
the advantages and disadvantages,

I feel it is my duty to ask
you to become my wife...

so that no man may say
a Trilling child might be a bastard.

You make it sound
so romantic.

Perhaps I might try-

ls there
a little boy's room?

Oh. Be my guest.

It's not much more
than a hole in the ground.

0/1, for hea ven 's-

She's not over here,
Cedders.

- [ Toilet Flushes]
- So.

Willyou marry me
or no?

I've made love
to George.

- I thinkwe're on the wrong mission.
- Edward.

- Hello, sis. - Your trollop sister's
had carnal dalliances with George.

- It's true.
- Emily, how could you?

- Well, I--
- Be that as it may.

We must wed
for the sake ofour child.

And what pray
ifl'm not pregnant?

- What?
- You're really not with child?

Hurrah!

- Hey, nonny nonny.
- [ Elephant Trumpets ]

~ Emily!
" George!

[ Elephant Trumpets ]

This George is proving
rather troublesome.

I was quite looking forward
to the three of us living together.

I want the hand
ofyour niece.

Emily must make
her own decisions.

- [Screams]
- So you wouldn't object?

- I don't give a monkey's.
- [ Mumbling]

Stop!

I got them,
but there's no name in them.

Oh, damn!

Damn! Damn! Damn!

[Horace Mumbling]

[Chatter]

Oh. gads!

[Chatter]

Save the lawn!

Fuck the lawn!

Save the plantation!

[Yelling In Indian]

Abso-bloody-lutely
typical.

I mean, you lot always stick together,
don't you? Don't you?

With your fancy ways and your--
your la-dee-da talk.

Yeah, well, I may be scum,
butl am proud ofit.

I mean, you ma y thinl<
you control the whole bloody world“

with your empire,
but let me te/l you this.

That l, George,

have every faith
in the lndianjustice system.

[ Horace ]
The British legal system...

is the greatest
in the world.

In fact, there is
no other legal system.

It is the very foundation...

ofcivi/iza tion itself

Prisoner,
how do you plead?

Not guilty.

Let it be recorded
that the condemned pleaded not guilty.

- "Condemned ?" You just said, "Condemned."
- Objection !

- You're my lawyer!
- Objection ! - Overruled.

Lunch !

Not you.

Thankyou.

Well, get on with it!

[L a wyer]
You are Cedric Tri/ling ?

Cedric Lionel Trilling.

May I askyou what you observed
on the night in question?

I saw a man carrying a lighted torch
towards the plantation.

That man.

And, uh, how did you recognize
the defendant... in the dark ?

He was walking
with a commonefs gait.

Do you have anyone
to corroborate this story?

Um.

L-l think so.

- You either are Edward Ivory,
or you're not. - He is.

I saw, um-

"l saw a man carrying
a lighted torch.

'Batmany.

And how did you know it
to be the defendant?

He was walking
with a Communisfs goat.

Right. Defense.

You are aunt
to Miss Emily Ivory?

"Aunt” 7 She's more
ofa mother to the girl.

This woman is a saint.

[ Horace ]
She has devoted her who/e life...

to the upbringing of her niece
and her idiot nephew.

Selflessly putting
their health, their happiness...

above her own...

womanly desires
and urges...

and needs.

I love this woman.

No further questions.

But, uh, I would /i/

which will serve
as a character reference.

"lfit please YourWorship,
my son is a scum."

Ten years plus two...

for ha ving pleaded
not guilty,

making 13 years in all.

[Emi/yk Voice]
Dearest George,

I ga ve you my heart
and my hymen,

but I would rather marry Cedric
than give birth outside of wedlock.

Although you and /
cannot be together,

I will ensure your chi/d
has the best possible upbringing.

I shall hand the baby
over to your father.

No!
Sell it to pirates.

Abandon it on a mountain. Let it
be brought up by wolves. Anything.

Shall I pretend
it is Cedrids, then?

Willyou not wait
for me?

[Sniffles]
Dear, dear George.

[Sniffles]
I'm betrothed to poor, poor Cedric.

No.
Poor, poor George.

I am betrothed
to dear, dear Cedric.

No. Poor, dear George,
I am betrothed to dear--

You don't love him!
[Sobbing]

I may not love him,
but he is presentable.

- So it's good-bye.
- I hate saying good-bye.

- Au revoir.
- Ciao.

- Shalom.
- Shalom Ala/chem.

[ Door Opens,
Closes ]

[Sighs]

P,“ [ Ceremonial ]

[ Birds Singing]

Ahh.

Hudson, we 're back l

I say, bring all thik stuff
indoors, will you ?

There'll be sixpence
init foryou. [Chuckles]

There'll be one extra
for dinner!

J-'I Opera ]

Bloody fools.

P,“ [Opera Continues ]

Right. Come on.

- No, no, start undress-
- Yes, ofcourse.

Start undoing those,
but keep- No, keep-

p,“ [Opera Continues ]

Would you excuse me?
Out, sir. Out!

Out! Out!

Out! Out!
[Continues, indistinct]

[Screams]

P,“ [Opera Continues ]

- _~_~ [Opera Ends]
- ♪♪ [Humming]

Are you looking forward
to tomorrow then?

Rather. Haven't had a good bash
since pater's funeral.

Uh, I wish that Cedric
was more like you.

He's such a queer fellow,
and you're always so gay.

Oh, I don't think
we're so very different.

Cedric.

Darling.

Soon we'll be
man and wife.

Or as the poet
Homer said-

[Screaming]

- Emily.
- [ whimpering]

Oh, Aunt Agnes,
I had the worst nightmare.

- Shh.
- [ Sobbing]

All right now.
All right now.

And you'll wake
the baby.

[Crying]

[Screaming]

Emily.
what's the matter?

It's all right, darling.
Now Aunt Agnes is here.

[Gasping]

- What?
- I know this isn't real.

- What 7
- Don't worry. lt'sjust a dream.

[Muffled Screams ]

[Gasping]

Sorry, everyone.

Here, pretty bunny.

Come here, my beauty.

- Son !
- Dad.

Hmm.

There you go, Son.

- There's no pleasing some people.
- Dad,just-

Don't " Dad" me!

The shame you brought
on this household.

Arsonist. Convict.
Escapee!

Consorter of people
above your station.

Dad, I am going
to marry Emily!

Young Miss Emily is to marry
young Master Cedric.

- This very day.
- She doesn't love him.

I know Emily, Dad
She doesn 't love him.

What do you know about love,
you working-class brute?

- Love knows no bounds.
- "Love knows no bounds."

[Grunting]

I've never heard
such claptrap.

[Mumbling]

I have sired a lunatic
to be sure.

[Mumbling]

Just a little something
for thejourney.

It's time, dear.

Oh, you look so lovely.

I'm so happyl could cry.

Oh, Aunt Agnes,
just remember...

you're not losing
a niece,

you're gaining
a man who's...

awfully good
at croquet.

And who can probably
greet the wedding guests...

in Greek, Latin.

- Salve.
- Delighted to meet you.

Ka/imera.

And hieroglyphics.

Salve.

- ♪♪ [ "l/I/il/iam Tell Overture "j
- [ indistinct Shouting]

Come on, you little sod.
I saved you.

Damn it! Blast!

Aah!

[Laughs]
HaPPV-

On your way, Brooks.

Just look, bunny, please.
just chew the bindings.

- Salve.
- Good day.

Ka/imera.

Have you never
been in love 7

Please!

Please.

[Gnawing]

Go on.

[Priest] /nto which ho/y estate
these two persons present-

thik beautiful young woman
with her /o ve/y complexion,

and this man with his unsightly
facial hair- come now to bejoined.

Therefore, ifany man
can showjust cause...

why they may not lawfully
bejoined together,

let him now speak
or else hereafter...

forever hold his peace.

For example, ifany man has proofthat
one or other ofthese two persons...

is already married.

Or does anybody know
whether one or other ofthem...

has any disgusting
personal habits?

Or perhaps one ofthem...

has cavorted naked
with the devil.

No? Well, then.

There's no rush.

Surely somebody
has something to say.

We'rejust so happy to be here.
It's so quaint.

- It'sjust like a fairy tale. It's--
- Anybody else?

You look a treat, love,
but get on with it.

Stop!
She doesn't love him!

Well, I don't know whether
that's a good enough reason.

Right.
Stand back, e veryone.

This man
is an escaped convict.

No! Let him speak.

Ifshe marries
that utter cod,

she'll regret it
for the rest of her life.

Well, you think
she '// marry you ?

A man without
a family motto?

' Aye.
_ You .7

You what 7
He what 7

-just aye!
_ /__

l'l~~

You 7 You 7
What do you meanjust you?

I fearl must
confess something.

Oh, out with it!

Edward and I bore false witness
against George.

We did it, frankly,
because we have these feelings.

These strange feelings.

We love each other!

[Speaking Italian]

/t's cal/ed progress,
dearest.

Progress 7

Emily.

Will you marry me?

I've always said
that the man that I marry...

must be perfect
in every way.

[Priest]
/ 'm still a bachelor.

Yes, George.

Yes, I will marryyou.

Stop!
You're too good for him, love!

You're all fine linen
and lacy sweetness!

He'sjust a-

Get a move on, vicar.
I'm going into labor.

[ Church Bel/s Telling
Camera Shutter Clicks ]