Original subtitles

You're not going to believe this.

I'm coming out of my apartment this morning--

For the third time this week,

Some jackass has double-parked right in front of my car!

I keep trying to get the cops to do something,

But apparently I have to clip an old lady in a crosswalk

To get anyone to pay any attention to me.

I mean, can you believe that?

What did I tell you

About chewing gum in the office?

What?

It's not professional.

I don't let linda do it,

So you shouldn't do it either.

Come on, out with it.

Margaret, I... Ah-ah-ah-ah!

I need...

Ah-ah-ah-ah!

Margaret, that's nicotine gum.

I'm trying to quit smoking.

You know, if I don't have that stuff,

It's gonna be cold turkey, like last time.

Oh, please, god, chew.

Excuse me.

Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie. John, this little girl

Is selling tickets to raise money

For st. Steven's youth group.

Oh, good for you, good for you.

Who's up?

The tickets are for our pancake breakfast

That helps the st. Steven's youth group

Pay for a trip to washington, d.C.

Gosh, well, I'm all in favor

Of sending children as far away as possible,

But, uh, I'm a little busy right now,

So why don't you come back later,

Like when you're all grown up and I'm dead.

You're being rude.

"st. Steven's youth group

"gives young boys and girls at risk

"a sense of moral responsibility.

"in our own way, we are trying to build a better world

"and a brighter tomorrow.

Won't you contribute today, please?"

No.

John, how can you say no to that face?

The trick is not to look directly at her.

Oh, come on, marg...

All right, how much?

A booklet of tickets is only $20.

So, how many booklets would you like to buy today, sir?

How many?

Oh, yeah, nice try, slick.

I'll take one booklet

And only one.

Thank you.

You're welcome.

Oh, gee, I feel bad.

I only bought one ticket for one dollar.

You could buy just one?

( laughing )

Linda, you're late. I know.

I've been outside racking my brain,

Trying to figure a way to bring up my vacation days.

Vacation days?

Well, since you brought it up...

No, look, please, please, please.

Can't we just talk about this some other time,

Like when you're all grown up and I'm dead?

Mrs. Snyder, you're up.

Anyways, I've got two vacation days coming.

I'd like to roll those over

Along with any personal days and sick days

And take next summer off.

Are you talking about days when you're really sick

Or days when you just say you're sick?

Both.

You've got two vacation days coming

That you either have to use by the end of the month

Or you lose them.

Wow, I never thought I could lose a vacation.

Although I once lost

The month of November.

Course, I didn't really lose it.

I bought a calendar that was missing November.

But the christmas dinner I cooked

Fell right on thanksgiving,

So it was okay. Of course, I was

All by myself on new year's eve in times square,

But the ball was just...

Linda, I am growing old here.

Are you going to take the vacation days or not?

Any chance I could have a couple days off to think about it?

Oy!

Well, the trucks are out there again this morning.

My car is still blocked in.

And when I call to complain to the cops,

Do I get a real policeman?

No, no, no.

I get the answering machine, which cuts me off

After the first 15 minutes.

You know, becker, I can solve this for you.

Park your car on another street.

Oh, you know, I'd love to,

But as I may have mentioned, I can't move my car!

Uh, john, did you just get a cigarette?

I thought you quit smoking.

Oh.

That's right, I did.

Becker, if you quit smoking,

Why do you even keep the cigarettes in there?

They're in there for the next time he quits.

Hey, screw you.

As a matter of fact, I think I found

A way out of this cycle of dependency:

Nicotine gum.

Oh, yeah, there it is.

( sighs )

Hello, my old friend.

So, you want something to eat?

No, thank you. I'm-- ooh.

I'm, uh, on my way to a breakfast, a charity thing.

So you didn't come here to smoke

And you didn't come in here to eat.

What are you doing here?

I have no idea.

Well, there's another bad habit I'm gonna have to break.

See you, guys.

Excuse me.

Hi.

Uh, I'd like to make a reservation

For tomorrow at 1:00.

( laughing ) ( laughing )

That shouldn't be a problem, mister...?

Hutchinson. Clark hutchinson.

Reg, you sure you don't want to double-check

Your reservation book?

( laughing ) ( laughing )

Oh, jake, you've got something stuck in your teeth.

Oh, really?

Mm.

Never mind them.

It's just, most people don't make reservations.

Oh, sorry. It's just sort of a special occasion.

You see, my wife and I met here

Exactly three years ago tomorrow.

Really? Yeah.

I mean, we sort of think of this place as "our place."

If this is your place, what's your song?

"the wreck of the edmund fitzgerald"?

Clark: I'll never forget that day.

I was miserable, it was raining out,

I'd just lost my job, my car had been repossessed...

Yep, this would be the next stop.

Clark: So I ducked in here

To get some coffee,

And the most amazing-looking woman came over to my table.

You're so sweet.

Oh, not you, though.

I meant my wife claire.

Oh.

Ow.

( laughing )

Jake, your teeth. It's still there.

Ah, damn.

Anyway, I fell in love on the spot... With claire.

How nice for you. Yeah.

There's more.

Uh, right over there, I bought a newspaper

That had an ad for a job with an internet company.

Long story short, now I own it.

I tell you,

This is the luckiest diner in the world.

See you tomorrow.

You realize what just happened here, don't you?

Three years ago, that guy came in with all his bad luck

And left it here.

Then he took all my good luck,

Walked out the door with that bitch claire.

No wonder my life is crap.

So, what are you saying? That you were born

With only so much good luck and that guy stole it?

Do you have a better explanation?

No, no. Makes sense to me.

Damn right it does.

For three years, I've had nothing but bad luck.

Okay, how about now, reg? Still there?

Yes, jake, it's stuck forever.

Just like me.

Okay, bob, do I have something

In my teeth or not?

Jake, you never had anything in your teeth.

She was just jerking you around.

Might want to check your nose, though.

Hi. I'm mrs. Howarth. Can I help you?

Yeah, I'm here for the pancake breakfast.

Oh, great. Grab an apron and a spatula, 'cause we...

No, no, no, no, no. I'm here to eat.

Oh. Well, there must have been some misunderstanding.

The breakfast is for the children.

I know, I know. To send them all away somewhere.

But, uh, where do you want me to sit?

I'm sorry, perhaps I'm being unclear.

Although everyone donates for the breakfast,

The meal itself

Clearly...

Is only for the children to eat.

Yeah, look, I bought a book of tickets

For a pancake breakfast.

I'm at the pancake breakfast.

All I want--

And this may come as no surprise to you--

Are said pancakes.

Don't you feel you might be a little uncomfortable?

Lady, you don't know me. I'll be fine.

Well, sir, it's just that...

Look, you know something?

When I bought these tickets,

Nobody told me it was for kids. Ask her.

As a matter of fact,

That's the girl who sold them to me.

Hi, dr. Becker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She's sweet, isn't she?

Yeah, she looks sweet.

Well, I suppose that we could make

Some room for you at one of the tables.

Good. Where do you want me to sit?

Uh, sir? Gum?

Oh.

You snooze, you lose, kid.

Excuse me, boys and girls.

Okay, now that we've all cleaned our plates,

It's time to find out who the lucky winner is

Of this year's door prize, a beautiful new bicycle!

Kids: Whoa!

Now, in just a moment,

We want you all to check the bottoms of your plates,

And whoever finds a happy face sticker there

Will win the bicycle.

Okay, on the count of three. Ready?

One...

Ho! Got it right here!

Hey, margaret.

Linda, isn't this the first day of your vacation?

Uh-huh.

So, what are you doing here?

I was in the neighborhood,

Thought I'd drop by and see how you were doing.

So, how you doing?

Fine.

( phone ringing )

Oh, I'll get that.

Doctor's office. Can I help you?

Sure, I'll check on that and get right back to you.

I got to be honest, linda.

This is the last place I would expect to see you

On your day off.

Think about it, margaret.

If you're here working, where else could you see me?

Morning, margaret.

Oh, hey, did I get a call from the police

About that parking problem on my block?

'cause it's still going on.

No, no calls. Oh.

Uh, what are you doing with that?

Oh, oh.

I went to the pancake breakfast this morning.

John, that was supposed to be for the...

Oh, don't-don't you start, too.

Look, if they didn't want adults there,

They should've put that on the ticket.

Fine, but that still doesn't explain

What you're doing with a little kid's bike.

Oh, it's not a little kid's bike, this is my bike.

I won it fair and square, too.

I had the little happy face sticker

On the bottom of the plate.

I tell you something, margaret,

First time in my life, I'm a winner.

Yeah, nothing screams winner

Like a six-foot man on a two-foot bike.

Just please tell me you're not going to actually keep it.

No, no, of course I'm not going to keep it.

I'm going to sell it.

Hey, willy wonka,

Back off, that's mine!

Reggie: Ow!

I just cut my hand on the damn can opener.

You realize whose fault this is, don't you?

Well, I know better than to suggest it was yours.

Damn right it wasn't mine.

It's mr. Perfect's fault.

He took all my good luck.

You know, reg, you're obsessing about this.

I bet his "beautiful wife" is the size of a building

With a face like a horse.

Why would a building have a face like a horse?

Two separate things, bob.

Huge like a building, ugly like a horse.

"luckiest diner in the world."

Yeah, if you're ever lucky enough to leave it.

Bob loves big girls.

Hey, jake, I'm going to get some more nicotine gum.

Hey, there's only one pack.

Where's the rest?

You bought the rest.

Hey, don't screw around with me.

I have cravings, I need satisfaction.

Far east massage, two blocks over.

Ask for number three.

She's a big girl.

Come on, jake.

How's one pack supposed to get me through the night?

One pack is supposed to get you though the week.

Reggie: You realize you're just trading

One addiction for another?

It's not an addiction.

I just think they're cuddly.

I am not trading addictions, reg.

This is nicotine.

It's the exact same addiction.

Truth is

I'm-I'm happy I stopped smoking.

I mean, I feel better and my clothes don't stink.

And, you know, let's face it, it's a pretty disgusting habit.

See you, guys.

They make me sick.

Bob, what's the wife look like?

Jake, I don't know where to start.

I mean, face like an angel,

Incredible body, full pouty lips.

Another 60 pounds and bob could really go for her.

You know, I'll just bet mr. Clark hutchinson

Isn't half as rich as he pretends to be.

Bob saw his watch.

It's like a fake rolex, but real.

S-so what?

You know how these rich guys are.

All they really care about is business.

I bet you he doesn't even really love her.

Bob: What a kiss!

I mean, have you ever seen anything that romantic?

That's my kiss.

Bob: He just gave her

The most amazing bracelet I've ever seen!

That's my bracelet!

So she's beautiful. So they're rich.

You know what, there's more to life than that.

Hey, everybody, we're having a baby!

That's my baby!

That's it, get out!

What?

You heard me, out!

But we haven't had anything...

Haven't you taken enough from me?!

If I could...

Go on!

Go!

You know, it occurs to me

That you just sent the luckiest guy in the world out of here.

Now, wouldn't it have been smarter to keep him around here

So some of his good luck could rub off on us?

Oh, please.

Everyone knows luck doesn't go in that direction.

Yeah, jake, what were you thinking?

Reggie: Who am I kidding? As long as I'm stuck in this place,

I'm never gonna have a chance for anything better.

Excuse me, could I get some change?

Sure. What do you want, quarters?

Actually, that's a 50.

Oh, right.

You know, when I was modeling,

I used to meet guys all the time.

I think I have this version on cassette.

Mm-hmm.

Boy, these muffins look great.

Did you make them yourself?

Huh? Uh, no, they come three to a can.

You know, between work and school,

When am I supposed to have time for a life?

I just don't get how other people do it.

So, what time do you close up around here?

7:00. It's on the door.

I mean, it's just hopeless.

I'm gonna be stuck in this stupid diner

For the rest of my life.

You know, I'm kind of new around here.

I just moved my company from toronto.

Sure could use someone to show me around.

Chamber of commerce, three blocks that way.

Anyway...

Well, okay then, thanks for the change.

Whatever.

Uh, reg, you realize what just happened here, right?

Yeah, reg, I think you kind of blew it.

Oh, my god, you're right.

I could've sold that guy a muffin.

Good morning, margaret.

Appointments for today

Are all confirmed, files are on the desk.

I picked up doughnuts on the way in

And there's fresh coffee.

All right, I'm confused.

You spent all day here yesterday,

And now you're here again today.

Are you working or are you on vacation?

Vacation.

Did you ever think about just staying on vacation?

Why don't we talk about that when I get back.

Morning.

Morning, dr. Becker.

Wait a minute, what are you doing here?

She's on vacation.

I'm confused.

Yes, thank you!

Linda: Uh, dr. Becker,

A detective cross from the 44th precinct called.

He wants you to go down and talk to him after work today.

Oh, fantastic! The police are finally going to do something

About the parking problem on my street.

See, margaret, it does pay to complain.

It does pay to be a pain in the ass.

Then why aren't you a millionaire?

Yeah, come in.

Detective cross.

John becker.

Boy, I can't tell you how happy I am

We're going to finally fix this parking problem on my street.

Actually, this isn't about parking.

This is about an incident

That took place last night in your neighborhood

That we believe concerns you.

Really? Yeah.

Apparently, someone left a crime scene

After damaging a car.

Well, you know something,

Come to think of it, I think I did notice

An extra ding on my car this morning.

Good work.

This isn't about your car, dr. Becker.

This is about a car that was parked outside

An all-night convenience store last night

Over on kaden avenue.

You wouldn't know anything

About that, would you?

Me?

No, no, I was home all night.

Uh, there's no way I could've...

Oh, well, wait a sec.

Are-are you suggesting I had something to do with that?

Because that's absurd.

Look, I am, I am a respected member of this community.

I mean, you can ask, you can ask...

What's that?

Surveillance tape from the store parking lot.

Really?

You know, actually, come to think of it,

You know, I did pop out for a moment last night.

Yes, I did. I, uh...

I had to go get some nicotine gum.

Boy, I tell you, this stuff really reduces the old craving.

I'm proud to say that I've managed to stay

Clean and smoke-free for almost three whole days now.

Do you smoke, detective? Do-do you smoke?

Well, at least we know you're being completely honest.

( guilty laughter )

How can you tell that's even me?

You're wearing the exact same raincoat

You're wearing right now.

That doesn't prove anything.

I wear this coat every day.

You see there by the car, dr. Becker?

Do you recognize that little kid's bike?

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I did not steal that, if that's what you're implying.

You know, I won that bike fair and square at the pancake breakfast.

I had that little yellow sticker on the bottom...

I-I had to ride that bike to the store last night,

Because some idiot double-parked in front of

My car so I couldn't get out.

Which you people don't seem to give a rat's ass about!

I'll tell you something, I did not, I don't care what you say,

I did not damage anybody's car.

You know, it's customary to leave a note

When you scratch an unattended car.

Come to think of it, it's the law.

Oh, come on, I fell.

I mean, clearly I didn't know I scratched the car, I mean...

Well, that was sort of nice of me, don't you think?

Now, look at you throwing your cigarette down there.

That kind of looks like littering to me.

Gee, I'm looking real hard here, dr. Becker,

And I don't see you wearing a helmet, either.

So let's review, shall we?

So far, we've got you

For leaving the scene of an accident,

Littering, and not wearing a helmet.

Yeah, I am appalled, absolutely appalled!

I mean, big new york city police department.

You put all your resources together

And y-you caught the big criminal mastermind!

I mean, what else have you got on me?

Video footage of me at home in my underwear

Ripping the tag off my mattress?

I mean, is this why I pay my taxes?!

So you techno-wizards can get your little spy cameras

And your magnifying glasses and track down a litterbug?

Oh, come on, please!

You know what else pisses me off about you fellows...

Before you finish,

You might want to watch this.

What?

What am I looking at?

What?

Never mind.