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1
00:00:01,951 --> 00:00:06,285
Uh, extra sprouts and no mayo.
2
00:00:08,157 --> 00:00:09,624
Yeah.
3
00:00:09,725 --> 00:00:11,955
My name's Amy.
4
00:00:18,067 --> 00:00:19,125
She's cute.
5
00:00:19,234 --> 00:00:20,360
Yeah.
6
00:00:22,004 --> 00:00:23,130
Wow.
7
00:00:23,238 --> 00:00:27,038
Freedom Tower is, like,
really coming along, huh?
8
00:00:27,142 --> 00:00:29,474
God, I can't believe
it's been 12 years since 9/11.
9
00:00:29,578 --> 00:00:31,808
Oh, my God, I know.
It's bananas.
10
00:00:31,914 --> 00:00:33,074
Time really flies.
11
00:00:33,182 --> 00:00:35,207
I can't remember.
Do they take a long time here?
12
00:00:35,317 --> 00:00:36,909
No, they're usually
pretty quick.
13
00:00:37,019 --> 00:00:38,748
Okay.
14
00:00:38,854 --> 00:00:40,832
I was actually supposed
to be meeting my girlfriend
15
00:00:40,856 --> 00:00:42,448
at the World Trade Center
that day.
16
00:00:42,558 --> 00:00:44,458
I mean, I'm on,
like, Walker Street
17
00:00:44,560 --> 00:00:46,824
and I hear this crazy noise,
18
00:00:46,929 --> 00:00:48,807
but, like, I wasn't thinking
it was anything bad,
19
00:00:48,831 --> 00:00:50,389
but then I look up.
20
00:00:50,499 --> 00:00:51,509
I'm just kind of
freaking out right now
21
00:00:51,533 --> 00:00:53,125
that I want mayo, you know?
22
00:00:53,235 --> 00:00:55,795
I'm like, "Why did I act like
I didn't want it?"
23
00:00:55,904 --> 00:00:57,464
But I don't have to go
and talk to them.
24
00:00:57,539 --> 00:00:59,666
I am so present
and here with you right now.
25
00:00:59,775 --> 00:01:00,605
I can stay.
26
00:01:00,709 --> 00:01:02,006
Uh, well...
27
00:01:08,183 --> 00:01:09,673
Everything's cool.
28
00:01:09,785 --> 00:01:11,776
They're gonna put mayo on it.
Sorry.
29
00:01:11,887 --> 00:01:13,582
Okay, so what's going on
in the story?
30
00:01:13,689 --> 00:01:15,247
- What were you...
- Uh, the fireball.
31
00:01:15,357 --> 00:01:17,257
Ooh, right.
Keep going.
32
00:01:17,359 --> 00:01:20,328
Yeah, so for hours, I'm like,
calling my girlfriend and...
33
00:01:20,429 --> 00:01:22,590
- Right.
- I can't get through to her.
34
00:01:22,698 --> 00:01:24,427
Oh, my God, is that Dina Lohan?
35
00:01:24,533 --> 00:01:25,761
No, it's like a pile of cups.
36
00:01:27,736 --> 00:01:29,294
Sorry.
What's happening?
37
00:01:29,405 --> 00:01:30,997
Yeah, I'm calling
my girlfriend...
38
00:01:31,106 --> 00:01:32,300
- AMY: Right.
- And I can't...
39
00:01:32,408 --> 00:01:33,466
Like, I can't reach her,
40
00:01:33,575 --> 00:01:35,270
'cause all the cellphones
are jammed
41
00:01:35,377 --> 00:01:36,969
and everyone
is trying to call...
42
00:01:37,079 --> 00:01:38,478
Verizon.
It's Verizon, right?
43
00:01:38,580 --> 00:01:40,707
They cannot get it together.
44
00:01:40,816 --> 00:01:43,046
It's been like 130 years,
like...
45
00:01:43,152 --> 00:01:46,121
Like, help us out.
Help us make a call, right?
46
00:01:46,221 --> 00:01:49,054
Verizon, it's like,
run a business.
47
00:01:49,158 --> 00:01:50,284
Can we stand over there?
48
00:01:50,392 --> 00:01:51,970
I'm scared I'm not gonna hear
when they call my name,
49
00:01:51,994 --> 00:01:54,360
and I want to keep an eye
on my sandwich.
50
00:01:54,463 --> 00:01:55,657
Yeah, sure.
51
00:01:55,764 --> 00:01:57,629
[Music blaring]
52
00:01:57,733 --> 00:01:58,825
It's loud over here.
53
00:01:58,934 --> 00:02:01,061
You thought she was dead?
54
00:02:01,170 --> 00:02:03,229
Yeah, so, finally,
at like 8:00 p.m.,
55
00:02:03,338 --> 00:02:05,898
my girlfriend calls me,
but she's so hysterical
56
00:02:06,008 --> 00:02:07,752
I can barely understand
a word she's saying...
57
00:02:07,776 --> 00:02:08,820
Yeah, wait, speaking of that,
58
00:02:08,844 --> 00:02:10,622
can you just stop talking
for, like, one second?
59
00:02:10,646 --> 00:02:12,791
I'm trying to Shazam this song,
and it's like, not tagging,
60
00:02:12,815 --> 00:02:14,407
I think 'cause
you're talking to me.
61
00:02:14,516 --> 00:02:15,915
Yeah, I know it's Robin Thicke,
62
00:02:16,018 --> 00:02:17,815
but I don't know
what Robin Thicke.
63
00:02:17,920 --> 00:02:20,445
You know, just...
64
00:02:21,957 --> 00:02:24,255
Oh, it's Pink.
I'm an idiot.
65
00:02:24,359 --> 00:02:26,520
- WOMAN: Amy?
- Oh.
66
00:02:26,628 --> 00:02:28,562
Thank you.
67
00:02:28,664 --> 00:02:29,741
Anyway, so she made it out,
68
00:02:29,765 --> 00:02:32,077
but, like, as they were running,
they heard these loud noises
69
00:02:32,101 --> 00:02:33,432
and they realized
that it was a...
70
00:02:33,535 --> 00:02:34,559
Oh, my gosh!
71
00:02:34,670 --> 00:02:37,503
They didn't put mayo
on my sandwich.
72
00:02:37,606 --> 00:02:39,767
Why is my life the worst life?
73
00:02:39,875 --> 00:02:41,172
Do you want to take it back?
74
00:02:41,276 --> 00:02:43,506
No, I don't want them
to think I'm an asshole.
75
00:02:43,612 --> 00:02:45,603
God, I'm in the worst mood now.
Whatever!
76
00:02:45,714 --> 00:02:47,841
So, where were you on 9/11?
77
00:02:47,950 --> 00:02:50,646
I don't remember.
78
00:02:50,950 --> 00:02:58,950
Ripped By mstoll
79
00:03:00,462 --> 00:03:02,760
I still think I'm in my 20s.
I really do.
80
00:03:02,865 --> 00:03:04,924
At bars,
I still show my license.
81
00:03:05,033 --> 00:03:07,228
They're like,
"We can see your face.
82
00:03:07,336 --> 00:03:10,737
Just go in.
83
00:03:10,839 --> 00:03:15,208
Did you want us to know
you're not an organ donor?"
84
00:03:17,546 --> 00:03:19,605
What's the worst job
you've ever had?
85
00:03:19,715 --> 00:03:23,242
I worked at a yoga center
once, and my boss was a jerk.
86
00:03:23,352 --> 00:03:26,651
Like, he put me in an arm lock
once behind my back.
87
00:03:26,755 --> 00:03:28,655
I said,
"Could you not do that again?"
88
00:03:28,757 --> 00:03:31,055
And he said, "I won't show you
any more love."
89
00:03:31,160 --> 00:03:33,492
- Gee, that is abusive.
- True story.
90
00:03:33,595 --> 00:03:35,119
I was younger at the time.
91
00:03:35,230 --> 00:03:37,460
Now you'd be like, "Ah, how
about get the fuck off me?"
92
00:03:37,566 --> 00:03:39,329
What's the worst job
you ever had?
93
00:03:39,434 --> 00:03:42,130
I used to work
at Bed Bath & Beyond
94
00:03:42,237 --> 00:03:43,465
a long time ago.
95
00:03:43,572 --> 00:03:44,664
Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.
96
00:03:44,773 --> 00:03:46,172
Well, it was cool,
'cause I got...
97
00:03:46,275 --> 00:03:47,970
I learned how to fold towels
the right way,
98
00:03:48,076 --> 00:03:49,566
and I'm kind of anal
about that now.
99
00:03:49,678 --> 00:03:50,678
I bet you are.
100
00:03:55,250 --> 00:03:57,650
MAN: This is how we will provide
the vaccinations
101
00:03:57,753 --> 00:04:00,916
to all the underprivileged
children in the world.
102
00:04:04,393 --> 00:04:06,486
Incredible, Charles.
Really incredible.
103
00:04:06,595 --> 00:04:08,688
Well, before we vote
to approve funding
104
00:04:08,797 --> 00:04:09,923
for Charles' project,
105
00:04:10,032 --> 00:04:12,830
it's my honor to welcome
our newest board member,
106
00:04:12,935 --> 00:04:13,833
Amy Blackberry.
107
00:04:13,936 --> 00:04:16,336
Hey, guys.
I know you all think I'm here
108
00:04:16,438 --> 00:04:18,303
just 'cause my dad
owns this company
109
00:04:18,407 --> 00:04:20,466
and like a third of
all the phones on earth,
110
00:04:20,576 --> 00:04:21,372
but, honestly,
111
00:04:21,476 --> 00:04:23,603
I submitted for this job
under a fake name,
112
00:04:23,712 --> 00:04:26,340
just like Tori Spelling
on "90210."
113
00:04:26,448 --> 00:04:28,448
Well, regardless, we are
thrilled to have you here.
114
00:04:28,483 --> 00:04:29,483
Welcome to the team.
115
00:04:35,557 --> 00:04:36,455
Well, let's vote.
116
00:04:36,558 --> 00:04:39,152
Oh, you know what?
If I could just interject here.
117
00:04:39,261 --> 00:04:42,230
I actually had a different
plan I wanted considered
118
00:04:42,331 --> 00:04:43,662
for that same funding.
119
00:04:43,765 --> 00:04:45,824
I know my dad's
really behind it.
120
00:04:45,934 --> 00:04:48,801
I don't want that
to affect anybody's decision.
121
00:04:48,904 --> 00:04:49,962
It's just an FYI.
122
00:04:50,072 --> 00:04:51,316
Okay, Amy, yeah, go right ahead.
123
00:04:51,340 --> 00:04:52,068
Yeah?
124
00:04:52,174 --> 00:04:53,505
- MAN: Yeah.
- Okay, great.
125
00:04:53,609 --> 00:04:57,238
Um, I have two words
for you guys.
126
00:04:57,346 --> 00:05:00,179
Just two words.
127
00:05:00,282 --> 00:05:03,251
"Cat park."
128
00:05:03,352 --> 00:05:04,979
Huh?
129
00:05:05,087 --> 00:05:05,985
"Cat park."
130
00:05:06,088 --> 00:05:10,582
Raise your hand if you've
ever heard of a dog park.
131
00:05:11,793 --> 00:05:12,793
I know I have.
132
00:05:14,029 --> 00:05:17,965
And now raise your hand
if you've seen a cat park.
133
00:05:18,934 --> 00:05:21,869
Yeah, are you guys with me
right now?
134
00:05:21,970 --> 00:05:24,666
We build
the first-ever cat park,
135
00:05:24,773 --> 00:05:25,893
right here in our community.
136
00:05:25,941 --> 00:05:27,602
These are the ears.
137
00:05:27,709 --> 00:05:29,370
These are the eyes,
whiskers, nose.
138
00:05:29,478 --> 00:05:31,378
What's missing?
The mouth.
139
00:05:31,480 --> 00:05:32,606
Why is there no mouth?
140
00:05:32,714 --> 00:05:34,682
Because I'm speaking
for cat park.
141
00:05:36,151 --> 00:05:38,119
Pass it around.
Take a swig.
142
00:05:38,220 --> 00:05:39,931
Okay, some of you still have
some questions.
143
00:05:39,955 --> 00:05:42,321
That's fair.
Just watch this.
144
00:05:44,326 --> 00:05:45,691
♪ Cat park ♪
145
00:05:45,794 --> 00:05:48,024
♪ Cat park ♪
146
00:05:48,130 --> 00:05:51,998
♪ Cat park ♪
147
00:05:52,067 --> 00:05:53,500
♪ Cat park ♪
148
00:05:53,568 --> 00:05:55,968
♪ Cat park ♪
149
00:05:59,041 --> 00:06:00,565
♪ Cat park ♪
150
00:06:05,414 --> 00:06:07,314
♪ Cat park ♪
151
00:06:14,523 --> 00:06:16,081
I like that video.
152
00:06:16,191 --> 00:06:17,988
AMY: Cat park will serve
as a safe haven,
153
00:06:18,093 --> 00:06:22,223
not only for cats,
but for cat owners, too.
154
00:06:22,331 --> 00:06:23,559
Is this real?
155
00:06:23,665 --> 00:06:24,427
Are you real?
156
00:06:24,533 --> 00:06:25,557
Yes.
157
00:06:25,667 --> 00:06:27,828
Okay, I get it, "cat park."
158
00:06:27,936 --> 00:06:29,267
But why now?
159
00:06:29,371 --> 00:06:32,636
Why not meow?
160
00:06:32,741 --> 00:06:35,471
There will be a section
of cat park with a slide
161
00:06:35,577 --> 00:06:38,444
and you will
put the cat on the slide
162
00:06:38,547 --> 00:06:42,244
and you can watch that cat
slide down that slide.
163
00:06:45,287 --> 00:06:47,915
All right.
That kicks ass.
164
00:06:48,023 --> 00:06:48,853
I know you're all thinking,
165
00:06:48,957 --> 00:06:50,335
"Will babies be allowed
in this park?"
166
00:06:50,359 --> 00:06:52,520
No, they will be arrested
if they enter the park.
167
00:06:52,627 --> 00:06:54,754
This doesn't make any sense.
168
00:06:54,863 --> 00:06:56,353
Shut up, Charles.
169
00:06:56,465 --> 00:06:57,796
Yeah, Charles.
170
00:06:57,899 --> 00:07:00,129
Cat park.
It's simple.
171
00:07:00,235 --> 00:07:01,827
Well, I mean,
it's not that simple.
172
00:07:01,937 --> 00:07:03,529
No one's ever thought of it
before.
173
00:07:03,638 --> 00:07:04,502
I am the first one.
174
00:07:04,606 --> 00:07:06,437
Well, I don't think
we need to vote on this,
175
00:07:06,541 --> 00:07:07,701
but let's just do it for fun.
176
00:07:07,743 --> 00:07:13,079
All in favor of approving
Amy's cat park?
177
00:07:15,584 --> 00:07:17,552
We could have saved
millions of kids,
178
00:07:17,652 --> 00:07:20,120
but after seeing
that presentation,
179
00:07:20,222 --> 00:07:23,282
I don't want to save kids.
180
00:07:23,392 --> 00:07:25,519
I want to entertain cats.
181
00:07:25,627 --> 00:07:28,118
Welcome to cat park!
182
00:07:29,331 --> 00:07:31,697
Thank you for the standing
ovation, everybody.
183
00:07:31,800 --> 00:07:33,324
Standing O.
184
00:07:36,004 --> 00:07:37,562
Snowball?
185
00:07:37,672 --> 00:07:38,502
Rembrandt?
186
00:07:38,607 --> 00:07:40,234
Where's Lady Guinevere?
187
00:07:40,342 --> 00:07:42,139
Buddy?
Hey, Buddy?
188
00:07:42,244 --> 00:07:44,021
- Rembrandt, are you here?
- I've lost my cat!
189
00:07:44,045 --> 00:07:46,605
- Mittens, I can't find you!
- I can't find my cat!
190
00:07:47,949 --> 00:07:50,679
[Meowing]
191
00:08:08,336 --> 00:08:09,997
Are you a cat person
or a dog person?
192
00:08:10,105 --> 00:08:11,834
Walk me through it.
Where do you stand?
193
00:08:11,940 --> 00:08:13,430
We kind of grew up with a cat.
194
00:08:13,542 --> 00:08:15,407
What was his name?
Was it a girl or boy?
195
00:08:15,510 --> 00:08:19,276
Various names. Kitty, Bubs.
Talbot, officially.
196
00:08:19,381 --> 00:08:21,008
This cat sounds like
a real asshole,
197
00:08:21,116 --> 00:08:22,378
I'm gonna be honest with you.
198
00:08:29,357 --> 00:08:31,257
AMY: Thank you so much
for seeing me.
199
00:08:31,359 --> 00:08:34,192
Well, I can only tell you
what the spirits say through me,
200
00:08:34,296 --> 00:08:36,457
but is there someone
you'd like to speak to?
201
00:08:36,565 --> 00:08:40,763
Yes.
My grandma passed recently.
202
00:08:40,869 --> 00:08:43,702
I'd love to just talk to her
one more time.
203
00:08:43,805 --> 00:08:45,238
Well, let's see
if we can find her.
204
00:08:45,340 --> 00:08:46,705
Okay.
205
00:08:50,846 --> 00:08:52,711
WOMAN:
I'm seeing someone.
206
00:08:52,814 --> 00:08:56,250
It's a male who died recently.
207
00:08:56,351 --> 00:08:58,216
An uncle, a brother.
208
00:08:58,320 --> 00:08:59,947
Ricky, Roadie.
209
00:09:00,055 --> 00:09:02,455
Oh.
My Uncle Randy?
210
00:09:02,557 --> 00:09:04,115
Uncle Randy, yes.
211
00:09:04,226 --> 00:09:05,284
Oh, my God.
212
00:09:05,393 --> 00:09:08,226
What...
Does he see my grandma?
213
00:09:08,330 --> 00:09:11,094
He says she'll be here soon.
214
00:09:11,199 --> 00:09:13,429
He says he was
in the neighborhood
215
00:09:13,535 --> 00:09:16,561
and he's just gonna hang out
until she gets here.
216
00:09:16,671 --> 00:09:18,229
Okay, fine.
217
00:09:18,340 --> 00:09:21,673
WOMAN: Now he's telling me
you've really grown up.
218
00:09:21,776 --> 00:09:22,902
Okay.
219
00:09:23,011 --> 00:09:25,138
No, seriously, you look good.
220
00:09:25,247 --> 00:09:27,181
You look like a woman now.
221
00:09:27,282 --> 00:09:28,510
All right.
222
00:09:28,617 --> 00:09:31,518
He's showing me a trampoline,
223
00:09:31,620 --> 00:09:34,783
a little girl jumping
up and down on a trampoline
224
00:09:34,890 --> 00:09:37,290
and a man watching her
very closely,
225
00:09:37,392 --> 00:09:39,622
never taking his eyes
off of her.
226
00:09:39,728 --> 00:09:42,993
Right, yeah,
he used to get me a trampoline
227
00:09:43,098 --> 00:09:44,656
and a bathing suit...
228
00:09:44,766 --> 00:09:46,097
like, every year.
229
00:09:46,201 --> 00:09:48,260
He wants to know
if you still use it
230
00:09:48,370 --> 00:09:49,632
and if so at what times.
231
00:09:49,738 --> 00:09:51,763
I don't even know
where they are.
232
00:09:51,873 --> 00:09:53,807
- Is my grandma here?
- Yes.
233
00:09:53,909 --> 00:09:55,274
Oh, my God, Grandma,
is that you?
234
00:09:55,377 --> 00:09:57,208
No, it's still Randy.
235
00:09:57,312 --> 00:10:01,373
Now he's telling you to relax
and not to worry,
236
00:10:01,483 --> 00:10:03,474
and he's rubbing your shoulders.
237
00:10:03,585 --> 00:10:06,145
Oh, my God,
he's touching me right now?
238
00:10:06,254 --> 00:10:09,553
He says you have
a lot of tension.
239
00:10:09,658 --> 00:10:11,216
Two huge knots.
240
00:10:11,326 --> 00:10:12,486
Oh, gross.
241
00:10:12,594 --> 00:10:14,289
He wants to know,
242
00:10:14,396 --> 00:10:18,457
are you still friends
with that girl, Erin?
243
00:10:18,567 --> 00:10:19,329
Erin?
244
00:10:19,434 --> 00:10:20,526
Pigtails?
245
00:10:20,635 --> 00:10:22,694
Amazingly heavy sleeper?
246
00:10:22,804 --> 00:10:24,465
Oh, my God, I'm leaving.
247
00:10:24,573 --> 00:10:26,131
How much do I owe you?
248
00:10:26,241 --> 00:10:27,333
WOMAN:
Wait, wait!
249
00:10:27,442 --> 00:10:29,137
Your grandma's here.
250
00:10:29,244 --> 00:10:30,142
Grandma!
251
00:10:30,245 --> 00:10:34,477
She wants to know
if she can bum a cigarette.
252
00:10:38,486 --> 00:10:40,249
What a [bleep]
253
00:10:43,992 --> 00:10:46,859
People think 'cause I talk
about sex on stage,
254
00:10:46,962 --> 00:10:48,759
like, "Oh, I bet she's dirty."
255
00:10:48,863 --> 00:10:49,921
I suck. I'm lazy.
256
00:10:50,031 --> 00:10:51,726
My version of dirty talk...
257
00:10:51,833 --> 00:10:53,391
This is what it is, okay?
258
00:10:53,501 --> 00:10:56,834
When I do it, twice a year,
this is what it is.
259
00:10:56,938 --> 00:11:03,867
I whisper something I don't mean
with half-confidence,
260
00:11:03,979 --> 00:11:05,606
and the guy goes...
261
00:11:05,714 --> 00:11:09,514
"What?"
262
00:11:09,618 --> 00:11:14,453
And I go, "What?"
263
00:11:14,556 --> 00:11:15,818
That's it.
264
00:11:18,827 --> 00:11:21,227
ANNOUNCER:
You're married... Christian...
265
00:11:21,329 --> 00:11:24,196
and you're looking
for a meaningful relationship
266
00:11:24,299 --> 00:11:25,061
on the side.
267
00:11:25,166 --> 00:11:27,726
Now you can find
God's other match for you
268
00:11:27,836 --> 00:11:30,066
at AshleyMagdalene.Com.
269
00:11:30,171 --> 00:11:32,901
With my husband so busy running
a gay rehab center,
270
00:11:33,008 --> 00:11:35,272
it's important to me
to cheat with someone
271
00:11:35,377 --> 00:11:36,969
who shares my Christian values.
272
00:11:37,078 --> 00:11:38,807
ANNOUNCER:
It's easy and free.
273
00:11:38,913 --> 00:11:41,108
Start browsing millions
of profiles online
274
00:11:41,216 --> 00:11:43,480
at the leading site
for Christian cheating.
275
00:11:43,585 --> 00:11:47,646
♪ Catch me, Jesus, I'm falling ♪
276
00:11:47,756 --> 00:11:49,621
♪ Hear me, Jesus, I'm... ♪
277
00:11:49,724 --> 00:11:51,214
I'll be in town for a few days
278
00:11:51,326 --> 00:11:53,760
chairing a convention
on Faith, Flag, and Family
279
00:11:53,862 --> 00:11:56,990
and I'd like to meet a discreet
woman of strong moral character
280
00:11:57,098 --> 00:11:59,259
who will let me try it
in the butt.
281
00:11:59,367 --> 00:12:02,461
ANNOUNCER: Don't ask,
"What would Jesus do?"
282
00:12:02,570 --> 00:12:04,299
Ask, "Who would Jesus do?"
283
00:12:04,406 --> 00:12:06,840
Log on to
Ashley Magdalene today.
284
00:12:06,941 --> 00:12:09,808
I live in the woods
with my wife and nine children,
285
00:12:09,911 --> 00:12:13,108
and I just want to meet another
guy in my same situation.
286
00:12:13,214 --> 00:12:14,272
Nothing sexual.
287
00:12:14,382 --> 00:12:16,816
I just want to hang out
like dudes.
288
00:12:16,918 --> 00:12:18,977
Maybe measure each other's pigs.
289
00:12:19,087 --> 00:12:21,419
ANNOUNCER:
Ashley Magdalene.
290
00:12:21,523 --> 00:12:23,855
Find God's other match for you.
291
00:12:36,037 --> 00:12:37,334
Hey, you busy?
292
00:12:37,439 --> 00:12:39,270
Oh, no, I'm just browsing
new sources.
293
00:12:39,374 --> 00:12:41,035
Come in, come in, bitch.
What's up?
294
00:12:41,142 --> 00:12:45,101
Well, you know I'm just getting
over breast cancer, right?
295
00:12:45,213 --> 00:12:47,704
I know, I know.
God.
296
00:12:47,816 --> 00:12:50,284
Your cancer is like
all I think about.
297
00:12:50,385 --> 00:12:51,443
TIG:
Really?
298
00:12:51,553 --> 00:12:52,349
Pretty much.
299
00:12:52,454 --> 00:12:55,651
I bet you don't think about it
as much as I think about it.
300
00:12:55,757 --> 00:12:58,521
Well, I think about it
more than you'd think.
301
00:12:58,626 --> 00:13:01,322
Well, good, then
you'll probably be excited
302
00:13:01,429 --> 00:13:03,192
about the reason for my visit.
303
00:13:03,298 --> 00:13:06,392
There's a 5K breast cancer run
in a few weeks,
304
00:13:06,501 --> 00:13:08,230
and I'm trying to get people...
305
00:13:08,336 --> 00:13:10,497
Stop immediately.
306
00:13:10,605 --> 00:13:12,698
Sold.
Of course, I'm in.
307
00:13:12,807 --> 00:13:14,707
What's the maximum pledge?
308
00:13:14,809 --> 00:13:15,969
50, 100, what?
309
00:13:16,077 --> 00:13:18,841
There's actually
not a maximum pledge.
310
00:13:18,947 --> 00:13:20,073
Okay, okay, 25.
311
00:13:20,181 --> 00:13:22,342
That's really generous of you...
312
00:13:22,450 --> 00:13:23,678
Oh, it's nothing.
313
00:13:23,785 --> 00:13:27,243
But I was wanting to see
if you would be willing
314
00:13:27,355 --> 00:13:29,152
to run it with me.
315
00:13:29,257 --> 00:13:31,657
Run...
Like, how do you mean?
316
00:13:31,760 --> 00:13:33,557
You know, I mean,
you're a thing.
317
00:13:33,661 --> 00:13:36,858
People would be excited
to pay money for you to run.
318
00:13:36,965 --> 00:13:39,832
Yeah, I don't know
that I'm a thing, you know.
319
00:13:39,934 --> 00:13:43,563
I mean, I do get recognized
a lot, but...
320
00:13:43,671 --> 00:13:44,535
I mean, I don't know.
321
00:13:44,639 --> 00:13:46,266
Are other people
from the office, like,
322
00:13:46,374 --> 00:13:47,574
physically running this thing?
323
00:13:47,675 --> 00:13:48,675
Yes.
324
00:13:48,777 --> 00:13:50,176
Like who?
325
00:13:50,278 --> 00:13:53,008
- Gabe.
- Gay.
326
00:13:53,114 --> 00:13:54,547
- Grace.
- Lonely!
327
00:13:54,649 --> 00:13:55,081
Kurt.
328
00:13:55,183 --> 00:13:56,427
Oh, God, he was raised by people
329
00:13:56,451 --> 00:13:57,851
that weren't
his biological parents.
330
00:13:57,952 --> 00:13:59,749
Okay, okay.
That's awesome.
331
00:13:59,854 --> 00:14:02,186
The office is represented,
all right?
332
00:14:02,290 --> 00:14:04,121
The problem is with me, I can't.
333
00:14:04,225 --> 00:14:07,285
I can't run,
because I bulk up super fast.
334
00:14:07,395 --> 00:14:08,885
Just like thunder thighs.
335
00:14:08,997 --> 00:14:10,259
It's so embarrassing.
336
00:14:10,365 --> 00:14:13,766
Just, God, I really trust you.
That's why I'm telling you.
337
00:14:13,868 --> 00:14:17,599
Amy, the reason to run
is to help raise awareness.
338
00:14:17,705 --> 00:14:19,798
Awareness for what?
339
00:14:19,908 --> 00:14:20,908
Cancer?
340
00:14:21,009 --> 00:14:22,943
Like, I think people
have gotten the memo.
341
00:14:23,044 --> 00:14:24,443
Yeah, I got the memo.
342
00:14:24,546 --> 00:14:27,174
That's why I had
a double mastectomy.
343
00:14:29,884 --> 00:14:31,249
When is it again?
344
00:14:31,352 --> 00:14:32,478
TIG:
Next Saturday.
345
00:14:32,587 --> 00:14:35,488
Oh, balls!
You said Saturday, right?
346
00:14:35,590 --> 00:14:37,785
Oh, I can't. That is so...
God, timing.
347
00:14:37,892 --> 00:14:40,087
I have a Kentucky Derby party
that day,
348
00:14:40,195 --> 00:14:42,254
and trust me,
I would love to cancel,
349
00:14:42,363 --> 00:14:43,557
but I already bought a hat.
350
00:14:43,665 --> 00:14:45,997
And those aren't like hats
that you would wear
351
00:14:46,100 --> 00:14:47,158
at, like, you know...
352
00:14:47,268 --> 00:14:49,828
They're not,
like, all-purpose hats, so.
353
00:14:49,938 --> 00:14:51,462
Mm.
354
00:14:51,573 --> 00:14:54,770
- [Telephone rings]
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
355
00:14:54,876 --> 00:14:56,309
Hi. This is Amy.
356
00:14:56,411 --> 00:14:59,005
Oh, hi, Jeff Probst.
357
00:14:59,113 --> 00:15:02,276
Yeah, definitely, Saturday?
358
00:15:02,383 --> 00:15:04,103
Yes, I'll be there.
Of course I'll be there.
359
00:15:04,185 --> 00:15:06,346
Can I wear a hat?
360
00:15:06,454 --> 00:15:08,581
Jeff?
361
00:15:08,690 --> 00:15:10,783
Okay, you already know
who that was.
362
00:15:10,892 --> 00:15:11,620
Jeff Probst.
363
00:15:11,726 --> 00:15:13,591
So this is
totally gonna cheer you up.
364
00:15:13,695 --> 00:15:15,788
Okay, so Saturday,
P. Diddy is having, like,
365
00:15:15,897 --> 00:15:19,526
a dance-a-thon to raise money
for chinchillas.
366
00:15:19,634 --> 00:15:21,602
So they can be used
in coats again.
367
00:15:23,137 --> 00:15:24,297
Oh, God.
368
00:15:24,405 --> 00:15:25,531
But, look, I'm so sorry.
369
00:15:25,640 --> 00:15:27,631
Is there anything else
I can do for you?
370
00:15:27,742 --> 00:15:28,742
Like, anything else?
371
00:15:28,810 --> 00:15:30,801
I'm sorry
that my calendar is so booked.
372
00:15:30,912 --> 00:15:31,970
Actually, yeah.
373
00:15:32,080 --> 00:15:35,311
A bunch of friends
were gonna shave their heads
374
00:15:35,416 --> 00:15:37,111
for when I go through chemo.
375
00:15:37,218 --> 00:15:38,583
So...
376
00:15:40,788 --> 00:15:42,517
Okay.
That's great.
377
00:15:42,624 --> 00:15:44,649
I can't do that, obviously,
378
00:15:44,759 --> 00:15:47,193
'cause a lot of people's jobs
are dependent on me
379
00:15:47,295 --> 00:15:51,459
just kind of keeping this look,
you know?
380
00:15:51,566 --> 00:15:53,625
But I'll tell you
what I will do.
381
00:15:53,735 --> 00:15:59,173
I will continue to get rid of
all of my pubes.
382
00:15:59,274 --> 00:16:00,036
Mm.
383
00:16:00,141 --> 00:16:01,540
[Telephone rings]
384
00:16:01,643 --> 00:16:03,975
This is Amy.
385
00:16:04,078 --> 00:16:06,979
Hi, Nick Cannon.
386
00:16:07,081 --> 00:16:09,311
I actually know Nick.
Tell him I said hi.
387
00:16:09,417 --> 00:16:11,009
Oh, Nick, Tig says hi.
388
00:16:11,986 --> 00:16:13,578
Yeah, oh, my God, of course.
389
00:16:13,688 --> 00:16:15,815
Of course I'm doing her 5K,
yeah.
390
00:16:15,924 --> 00:16:18,188
I basically organized it.
I just...
391
00:16:21,162 --> 00:16:22,060
So, what do you do?
392
00:16:22,163 --> 00:16:23,255
I'm a registered nurse.
393
00:16:23,364 --> 00:16:25,093
Ooh, fancy pants.
394
00:16:25,199 --> 00:16:25,995
Yeah.
395
00:16:26,100 --> 00:16:27,431
Guess what I have.
396
00:16:27,535 --> 00:16:28,593
In terms of sickness?
397
00:16:28,703 --> 00:16:29,703
Yeah.
398
00:16:29,771 --> 00:16:31,762
Um, nymphomania?
399
00:16:31,873 --> 00:16:34,068
Oh, my gosh, I wish.
I'm...
400
00:16:34,175 --> 00:16:37,201
Seriously,
I just lay there like a log.
401
00:16:45,553 --> 00:16:48,044
So, Stefan, you are
a Bible studies camp counselor.
402
00:16:48,156 --> 00:16:49,453
Correct?
403
00:16:49,557 --> 00:16:52,117
You know, it's for,
like, you know, the youth,
404
00:16:52,226 --> 00:16:53,784
teaching them about the Bible.
405
00:16:53,895 --> 00:16:55,419
Some people call it Jesus camp.
406
00:16:55,530 --> 00:16:57,395
Is that a term
that you don't like?
407
00:16:57,498 --> 00:16:58,795
I don't have a problem with it.
408
00:16:58,900 --> 00:17:01,801
There's only
one bad kind of camp.
409
00:17:01,903 --> 00:17:03,063
- Fat camp?
- Concentration.
410
00:17:03,171 --> 00:17:04,536
Oh, you're right.
There are two.
411
00:17:04,639 --> 00:17:05,867
There are two.
You're right.
412
00:17:05,974 --> 00:17:09,705
What do you tell kids
at the camp about gay people?
413
00:17:09,811 --> 00:17:11,322
Like, if they're like,
"What's up with Ralph?"
414
00:17:11,346 --> 00:17:15,874
He's always...
He's always wearing those pants.
415
00:17:15,984 --> 00:17:20,944
Well, fortunately,
we haven't had any... gays,
416
00:17:21,055 --> 00:17:23,319
but, yeah, that's a sin.
417
00:17:23,424 --> 00:17:26,052
Wearing tight pants as a dude?
418
00:17:26,160 --> 00:17:28,253
I am...
I hear that.
419
00:17:28,363 --> 00:17:30,661
You know, I'll just let
the ministers know.
420
00:17:30,765 --> 00:17:32,232
Maybe don't let them know.
421
00:17:33,768 --> 00:17:36,236
What was your favorite plague
and then guess mine.
422
00:17:36,337 --> 00:17:37,497
I like the...
423
00:17:37,605 --> 00:17:39,937
Turning the water into blood.
424
00:17:40,041 --> 00:17:42,066
I like the Black Plague.
425
00:17:42,176 --> 00:17:43,302
STEFAN:
[Laughing]
426
00:17:43,411 --> 00:17:44,742
Yeah.
427
00:17:44,846 --> 00:17:45,846
Are you married?
428
00:17:45,947 --> 00:17:47,312
STEFAN:
No, no, no.
429
00:17:47,415 --> 00:17:48,814
Oh, my God, me neither.
430
00:17:48,916 --> 00:17:52,613
I'm half-Jewish.
431
00:17:52,720 --> 00:17:56,315
Like, my mom grew up Protestant,
and my dad is Jewish.
432
00:17:56,424 --> 00:17:59,882
Do you think
I am gonna go to hell?
433
00:18:04,265 --> 00:18:07,462
No. No.
434
00:18:07,568 --> 00:18:09,536
Since... I mean,
you do go to church, so...
435
00:18:09,637 --> 00:18:10,695
No, I don't.
436
00:18:10,805 --> 00:18:13,968
Well, Christ is the way
to heaven.
437
00:18:14,075 --> 00:18:16,669
Like, I've never prayed before.
438
00:18:16,778 --> 00:18:19,110
On planes, or if, like,
my sister is sick or something,
439
00:18:19,213 --> 00:18:20,612
I'll be like, you know.
440
00:18:20,715 --> 00:18:23,479
I don't believe in God
until I need him.
441
00:18:23,584 --> 00:18:25,051
Last night, I had a sex dream
442
00:18:25,153 --> 00:18:27,451
and I think it's 'cause
I'm so frustrated,
443
00:18:27,555 --> 00:18:28,915
like, I haven't had sex
in a while,
444
00:18:28,990 --> 00:18:30,100
and it was, like, with a girl.
445
00:18:30,124 --> 00:18:33,321
Like, that's not even something
that I am interested in doing,
446
00:18:33,428 --> 00:18:34,622
but it's not my fault.
447
00:18:34,729 --> 00:18:35,491
Is that a sin?
448
00:18:35,596 --> 00:18:36,893
- Well...
- 'Cause I did...
449
00:18:36,998 --> 00:18:39,057
I am not gonna
get pregnant from that dream.
450
00:18:39,167 --> 00:18:41,158
Because first of all,
it was a dream.
451
00:18:41,269 --> 00:18:42,702
Second of all, it was a girl.
452
00:18:42,804 --> 00:18:44,066
I wouldn't know.
453
00:18:44,172 --> 00:18:47,039
AMY:
I don't have to say Hail Marys?
454
00:18:47,141 --> 00:18:51,407
It's like the old saying,
"It was all a dream.
455
00:18:51,512 --> 00:18:54,072
I used
to read 'Word Up! ' magazine.
456
00:18:54,182 --> 00:18:57,549
Salt-N-Pepa and Heavy D
was in the..."
457
00:18:57,652 --> 00:18:59,882
- Limousine, yeah.
- AMY: Limousine.
458
00:18:59,987 --> 00:19:00,749
I-I...
459
00:19:00,855 --> 00:19:02,584
Like, do you ever sin?
460
00:19:02,690 --> 00:19:03,816
Oh, yeah.
461
00:19:03,925 --> 00:19:06,325
- I mean...
- Yeah.
462
00:19:06,427 --> 00:19:08,327
- Yeah, things...
- Things get out of hand.
463
00:19:08,429 --> 00:19:10,192
The weekend is
at the end of the week.
464
00:19:10,298 --> 00:19:12,323
When you picture Jesus,
465
00:19:12,433 --> 00:19:15,527
what do you think
he looked like?
466
00:19:15,636 --> 00:19:19,037
Skin like bronze,
hair like wool,
467
00:19:19,140 --> 00:19:20,698
eyes like fire.
468
00:19:20,808 --> 00:19:24,175
Jesus, that sounds...
That's terrifying.
469
00:19:24,278 --> 00:19:25,677
Well, that's one description.
470
00:19:25,780 --> 00:19:26,838
Like, when I picture God,
471
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:29,075
I picture the Cloud Sweeper
from the Care Bears.
472
00:19:29,183 --> 00:19:33,677
Have you ever been, like,
"What if this isn't real?"
473
00:19:36,991 --> 00:19:40,119
No.
You know, no, I haven't.
474
00:19:40,228 --> 00:19:41,752
What's up with Mary?
What do you think?
475
00:19:41,863 --> 00:19:43,763
Great woman.
476
00:19:43,865 --> 00:19:47,801
She risked her marriage,
you know, to have Christ,
477
00:19:47,902 --> 00:19:50,769
'cause Joseph
was kind of suspect.
478
00:19:50,872 --> 00:19:51,930
Wouldn't you be?
479
00:19:52,039 --> 00:19:52,801
Yeah, yeah.
480
00:19:52,907 --> 00:19:55,967
She's like, "I swear."
He's like, "Really, Mary?"
481
00:19:56,077 --> 00:19:58,136
- He had faith, right?
- Yeah, yeah.
482
00:19:58,246 --> 00:19:59,543
It's like the saying,
483
00:19:59,647 --> 00:20:03,879
"I guess it would be nice
if I could touch your body."
484
00:20:03,985 --> 00:20:06,647
That song is about faith.
485
00:20:10,591 --> 00:20:12,252
Dance party with Uncle Ronnie.
486
00:20:12,360 --> 00:20:13,588
Randy, Ronnie, Randy.
487
00:20:13,694 --> 00:20:14,592
What's my name?
488
00:20:14,695 --> 00:20:16,925
[Grunting]
489
00:20:17,031 --> 00:20:19,261
Uh, here's your change.
490
00:20:19,367 --> 00:20:20,561
I'm so lonely.
491
00:20:20,668 --> 00:20:22,379
Do you want to stare
into this crystal ball?
492
00:20:22,403 --> 00:20:25,839
We were gonna have sweet tea
and hamantaschen!
493
00:20:26,541 --> 00:20:29,408
Anything, just yell it out
and I'll...
494
00:20:29,510 --> 00:20:30,910
Just yell shit at me
and I'll do it.
495
00:20:36,284 --> 00:20:38,362
AMY: I know for your community,
'cause you're a lesbian,
496
00:20:38,386 --> 00:20:40,266
that you guys don't care
about things like that,
497
00:20:40,354 --> 00:20:42,754
like, how you look
or what you wear or anything.
498
00:20:42,857 --> 00:20:44,518
Uh, I actually have a boyfriend.
499
00:20:44,625 --> 00:20:45,785
That's great.
500
00:20:45,893 --> 00:20:46,985
[Laughing]
501
00:20:47,094 --> 00:20:49,187
Shit.
35214
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