Original subtitles

Hey! You're home early.

They let us out of work 'cause there was a shooting.

Why are you all sweaty?

I was just... I was working out.

Yeah? Is there something you want to tell me?

You're beautiful.

Anything else? Anything on your mind?

Nope, nope. Why?

Because what are these, Kevin?

[Bells jingling]

- I don't know. What are those? - They look like clown panties.

Why are there clown panties crumpled up in our hallway?

Are those not yours?

No, they're not mine.

Do they look like the hypoallergenic brand

my doctor recommended?

No!

They look like they belong to a clown.

- A slut, whore clown! - [Bells jingling]

Okay, you know, I... I think I know what that is.

I did our laundry

at that new laundromat up the street... Big Top Laundry.

A lot of local clowns go there, so...

Hey, I'm glad I worked this out, huh?

No. Uh, who's Sparkles?

- Hmm? - Sparkles?

I went through your phone last night.

Here, let's take a look.

"You up?

I need you.

Honk-honk."

That's the type of shit you text to a clown!

- Oh! - You are fucking!

Oh, my God, I was just texting a friend from work!

I can't believe you took my phone!

You work with someone at Deloitte & Touche

named Sparkles?

Yes! Sparkles Biederman!

He's been there for years. He's Dutch.

"Your ass is tighter than a balloon giraffe."

You would text that to a man you work with

at a financial consulting firm?

It's industry jargon. It's not in your wheelhouse.

You know what? This is stupid.

Let's just look at the security footage from last night.

- How about that? - Oh, my God!

You are being so crazy right now!

[Laughter]

[Sobbing] What the fuck is that, Kevin?

[Bells jingling]

[Laughter]

Okay.

You got me.

It was supposed to be a surprise for our anniversary.

Our anniversary?

It's tomorrow.

You forgot, didn't you?

[Exhales sharply] [Laughing] Oh, my God.

I totally forgot.

I'm such a stupid, dumb bitch.

I know how you like balloon animals,

so I paid these clowns to fill your closet up with them.

[Sighs]

Surprise.

I'm so sorry.

Why do you put up with me?

Because you're hot.

Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry.

[Sighs] I just... I get so scared of losing you.

- I know, I know, I know, I know. - [Bells jingling]

Ripped By mstoll

Women. We're lucky, aren't we?

'Cause, women, we can have

multiple orgasms, I've read.

[Laughter]

And I swear, that's not me trashing guys.

Like, it's not easy to give me an orgasm.

It's not fun.

It's... I have to have the focus

of an Olympic hopeful on a balance beam.

[Breathing heavily]

And I get distracted.

If the temperature changes,

I'm like, "I lost it. I lost it."

[Laughter]

But women, like, sometimes we have to fake orgasms, right?

And that's not us being disrespectful to men.

That's just... That's our way of saying to you,

you know, "Wrap it up."

Right?

[Laughter]

That's your Oscar play-off, end-your-speech music.

We're saying, "I love you. I'm glad we did this.

But 'Storage Wars' is on in a minute.

[Laughter]

Get out of me."

WOMAN: Thank you so much for doing this.

Oh, no, it's an honor.

I can't believe I'm someone's Make-A-Wish.

His name's Jason. He's nine.

He's gonna die, like, yesterday.

Oh, my God.

You'll be fine.

[Monitor beeping]

- Hi. - Hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

Welcome. He's right over here.

Okay.

Hey, Jason. I'm Amy.

Um, I brought this for you.

Oh. Your headshot.

Okay.

Uh, I just want you to know that you're...

you're really special, and, um...

and everything's gonna be fine.

Well, I'm realizing that I bit off

a little bit more than I could chew.

It was an honor meeting you.

Oh, whoa. Where do you think you're going?

- I was gonna go get my car. - Don't you know why you're here?

I thought I was just supposed to come and meet... meet Jason.

Did I do something wrong?

Roast me!

Roast you?

It was our son's last wish

to be roasted by a professional comedian.

Okay.

Yeah, I don't feel comfortable making fun of your son.

You think I give a bitch queef what you are comfortable with?!

Okay. Okay, okay.

Okay.

Um, nice be...

W-Why don't you get some more tubes in your nose, weirdo?

- [Chuckles] - Is that even a joke?

Okay, uh...

Where's the rest of your hair?

Is it, uh, at the hair parade where there's no hair?

Enough with the softballs. Please!

Okay. This is really hard.

- Hey-hey! Hey, little man. - Hi.

- How you feeling? - Terrible.

Well, at least you feel the way you look.

[Laughter]

Am I right? Am I right?

No, I'm just joking. I'm just joking.

You're dark and handsome.

If it's dark, you're handsome.

[Laughter]

- Okay, I got to go. - That's good?

- [Laughs] - [Laughs]

LOL. Amy, take notes.

Those... Those were hack one-liners

from the Internet.

- What? - The Internet.

You know, the thing you won't be on in three weeks.

- Wow. Amy. - Hey.

That's not the direction we're going in?

MAN: No.

He's ready for a laugh but, you know,

could you please make sure it's funny?

Yeah! Put some kind of twist on it.

Has he been there the whole time?

WOMAN: Knock, knock.

Lisa Lampanelli! My first choice.

It would either be me or the Grim Reaper.

- [Laughter] - Oh! That's good.

We heard that you booked a Toyota commercial,

you weren't available, I...

Well, that explains why Amy Schumer's here.

The girl's a miracle worker with her comedy.

If she's funny, it's a miracle.

[Laughter]

- MAN: That's terrific! - Beat it!

MAN: Yeah, beat it.

Hey, wait a minute. Who's dying here first?

This guy or this guy?

[Laughter]

Excuse me. Are you Amy Schumer?

- Yeah. - You have HPV.

We've been trying to reach you for seven years.

I know.

If you could have one wish, what would it be?

You're granted one wish.

Uh...

Is it for a sea of drunken, aging-poorly Irishmen

to come up behind you?

[Stammering]

- Yep. - Yep.

- [Laughter] - Well, today's your lucky day!

If you had one wish, what would it be?

I would like Green Lantern's powers.

What could he do?

Anything he imagines, he can project out his ring.

Oh, okay.

I thought he just, like, could marry Blake Lively

and have a movie nobody saw.

AMY: Thank you for coming over.

I've never seen him this depressed.

You know, I think it hits men especially hard

when they're unemployed.

Yeah, but even worse than that is the new therapy that he's on.

- Hey, Mark. - Oh, hey, Colleen.

You need help? You want me to get you something?

No, I don't need help. I'm not five.

- Where's my lucky glass? - It's next to the books.

I'm at the books.

I see it right in front of you.

Oh, I got it. It was at the books.

- Why is he skipping? - That's the therapy.

The doctor told him to skip

as a way to trick himself into feeling happier.

Yeah, you know, I think I saw something about this

on that show "The Doctors."

I only saw a little bit because the show's unwatchable.

Hey, babe, I'm sorry I, like, was curt with you,

but I'm feeling a little better.

I think this is starting to work.

- I'm starting to, like, feel it. - Great. That's great, babe.

I'm gonna go upstairs and watch some of my karate movies.

Okay.

MARK: Bye, Colleen.

Oh ho! He got it.

- Whew! - Close.

That guy's got my number today, huh?

Yeah. Why don't you try running?

Here.

- He's fast like a cheetah. - Babe. Babe!

I'll get that later.

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no! - Yes.

Nothing's too good for my princess.

Now, you eat up.

[Whispering] Stop skipping.

Babe, I feel like lately

things have been a little off with us.

Mainly you.

Mainly me?

So I, um, talked to my psychiatrist,

and he wrote you this prescription.

Don't be mad.

AMY: "The Electric Slide"?

MARK: ♪ You can do it ♪

Look, are you gonna stop skipping anytime soon?

I don't know.

Are you ever gonna try the Electric Slide?

No.

Why can't you be happy for me?

Look, I don't think I can do this anymore.

Oh, my God! I got it. I'll get it.

AMY: No, Mark, it's too dangerous!

[Video-game beeping]

GIRL: Whoo! Oh, yeah!

Come on, man! Whoo!

You the man!

Thank you! Bye.

[Man groaning]

Oh, my gosh!

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- I love you! - I love you. I'm so sorry.

No, I love you. I'm sorry.

I've been such a jerk. I love you.

I'm gonna throw out all my Aerosmith T-shirts and...

No, I've never liked those shirts, but I support you.

You never have to talk to my mother again.

I already found a way to kind of stop talking to her.

- I love you so much. - I love you too.

I'm sorry to interrupt, folks.

That was the bravest goddamn thing

I have ever seen in my goddamn life.

God damn.

Call me?

We could use a guy like you on the force.

Screw it.

You got the job.

[Gasps] Oh, my gosh!

This is the best day of my life.

Our life.

[Mid-tempo synthesized music plays]

MARK: Hey, you learned the Electric Slide.

AMY: Uh, wait, it's gonna take me a second.

You can just...

- MARK: Come back? - Yeah, let's head it back.

MARK: Oop.

Maybe we should just take a cab.

Yeah, do you mind if we take a cab? I'm just so tired.

- I'm into this. I'm just tired. - No, it's a good idea.

- Are you dating anybody? - Yes, I am.

Does he have any annoying habits?

Um...

Kind of everything, but I like him.

[Laughs]

I don't like it when girls say they're sarcastic.

It just means they're not funny.

You're just gonna make stupid comments about things

and think that's enough.

Are you talking to me right now?

I haven't done anything I'm supposed to do

as a 30-year-old.

Like, I was the last one to know

that it wasn't cool to drink like a homeless person anymore.

'Cause when you're younger, that's how you drink.

You drink, like, 40s in paper bags at bus stops.

[People cheering]

Right? Some people still do it.

You run from the cops. You pee behind Dumpsters.

I remember more than once being like,

"I just found these beers in the bushes.

Let's drink 'em!"

And no one was like, "Ew! You're a vagrant."

They were like, "We're gonna remember tonight forever!"

[Laughter]

It's just gross.

In your 20s, if you black out from drinking, you're fun.

You're a fun girl, right?

In your 30s, you're not-invited girl.

That's what happens.

Oh, hi. I'm here to audition for Forgettable Girl Number Three.

- Oh. - Amy.

Why don't you have a seat?

There are some people here who love you a whole lot.

They called me because they think you have a problem.

We think you're addicted

to buying rounds of stuff for people.

Shut up, you piece of shit!

AMY: A month ago, I was a normal girl

who liked watching Wendy Williams

and sitting alone In public parks.

But addiction can come Into anyone's life at any time.

This Is a dramatic reenactment of my story.

WOMAN: It's so weird. I'm like a different size at every store.

At Zara, I'm a beast.

But at J. Crew, I'm like a supermodel.

Yeah, I'm a nine across the board.

Like, it doesn't matter where I go.

I was used to my friends Ignoring me

and getting my name wrong most of the time.

[Chanting] Tonia! Tonia! Tonia! Tonia! Tonia! Tonia!

- Put it on the card. - MAN: Thank you.

What can I get for you ladies?

Uh...

Y-You know what? Round of drinks on me.

- Wow! - All right!

- Whoo! - Whoo!

[Chanting] Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy! Amy!

That was the moment my whole life changed.

Guys, we are so "Sex and the City" right now.

I'm Carrie. You're Samantha.

- Ahh! - You're Charlotte.

And... Who's Miranda?

Obviously me.

Oh, what about the bathroom attendant?

She looks like a lawyer.

- Nailed it! - Yeah!

Know what time it is?

It's "a round of drinks on me o'clock," bitches.

[Women cheering]

[Chanting] Amy! Amy!

My addiction had taken hold of me.

It was like a drug.

And also I was doing drugs.

Uh, babe, you're spending way too much money at the bars.

It's crazy.

Promise me you'll get it under control.

Absolutely.

But I couldn't get It under control.

I also cheated on him, like, a ton.

No matter where I went, my addiction followed.

Hi. Um, will Plan B also get rid of my UTI?

Round of pills! On me!

[All cheering]

Amy. Why don't you have a seat?

There are some people here who love you a whole lot.

And they called me because they think you have a problem.

- MAN: Oh, my God. - WOMAN: Amy.

[Sobbing]

Oh, my God, what do you want?

What are you buying?!

I'll buy you whatever you want!

- Round on me! - Uh...

Round on me!

Hey! Hey.

It's over. It's over.

It was over.

[Coin clinks]

Well, it's been, uh...

It's been 90 days since I came here,

um, to the center.

Hi. I'm doing a thing.

And I feel amazing.

I feel like myself again.

Hi.

All right. I'll see you at the event.

Um, everybody's so cool here

And... Oh, I know I look a little bit different.

Um, I tried doing my hair in a new way.

Uh...

I've just been... just doing "me" work and just...

Just really focusing on my poetry

and channeling all my energy into that.

[Sighs] Here it goes.

"Rounds and rounds

and rounds we go.

Where will this stop?

Now I know.

Who are you? Who am I?

Who is that? Who is that?"

[Slow piano music plays]

So, Aidan, you are how old?

Six years old.

60 years old?

Six!

Guess how old I am.

45?

Close.

What's your favorite TV show?

"Pokémon" and "The Amazing World of Gumball."

Did you ever see "Homeland"?

No.

What about the show "Girls"?

Mommy does say it's not appropriate for me

because I'm... because I'm too young for it.

Mom's smart.

So do you have any brothers and sisters?

Um...

You don't have to answer.

Are they in the witness protection?

Uh-huh.

Just blink once if you have a sister.

Blink twice if you have a brother.

Okay. I got it.

Um, do you have a girlfriend?

Well, my... Well, my cousin... Actually a brother and a cousin.

You know, it's not a good idea to, um, date cousins.

Why?

Can you just trust me on this one?

Okay.

Uh, what do you think the best thing is about being a kid?

That you can have kids.

No! I mean toy... I mean toys.

Toys. That's... I'm glad you changed it.

Um, have you ever heard of the NuvaRing?

No.

Okay, good.

Uh, what's your favorite thing to eat?

Chinese food and rice and shrimp.

Do you trust Chinese people?

Yeah. Me too.

Um, can you please describe

what you think the tooth fairy looks like?

I think she have, uh, wings and she can fly

and be quiet to take people's tooths

and give them money.

And I think she got white skin.

Why?

Because I just watched a movie of a tooth fairy.

Some of them are black.

Are you comfortable with that?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah, I feel okay about it.

Um, what annoys you?

Grown-ups telling me what to do.

You got to question the Man. Do you know what I'm saying?

No.

Okay. Um...

Do you think you're better than me?

Yes.

You may be right.

I think you're great.

I can't believe I've been avoiding

having one of you for so long.

Pbbt! [Laughs]

[Laughs]

My friends... It's a weird age.

Like, they're living normal lives.

They... They're doing it. They're really in their 30s.

They all have gotten married.

They all keep their kids every time now.

[Laughter]

Oh, sorry,

"I always carry it to term," judgmental audience.

- Um... - [Laughter]

No.

I'm like, "You're not even gonna think about it?

I don't even know you anymore."

And, look, I'm not crazy.

I just think you should consider, you know,

terminating the pregnancy if it was rape or incest

or with a redhead.

Like, the unforgivables, you know?

The unacceptables.

Do you have any questions for me?

Are you putting this on TV?

Uh-huh.

People will see me on TV! Yay! I am a TV actor!

[Laughs]

Get in here. Don't be shy.

MAN: There's still a tiny bit.

MAN #2: It's over your booby.

- I know. I'm trying to... - Where?

- [Laughter] - Where is it?

I'm trying to be a professional here.

- Well... - WOMAN: Stop it.

No one appreciates that here.