Original subtitles

Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,

and I'm proud to say that I'm a feminist.

That's why today I'm hosting my very own gang bang,

to prove that women are not objects.

Look, men, you are not penetrating our vaginas.

We are engulfing your penises.

[Clicks cheek] Think about it.

I want to thank the good people at Sea Spray

for providing all the cranberry juice

I'll be drinking throughout the day.

I'm just really proud to be here today,

like so many women who have come before me.

Sandra Day...

And Sotomayor...

You know, tons. Too... Too many to list.

Am I a hero?

Yeah, yeah. I'm probably a hero.

Do I think today will be a ton of fun?

I'm counting on it.

All right. All right.

Let's just get this started.

This is a couch from home.

They're very cool about bringing your own stuff into this space.

I can do this by myself,

I don't need a man to help me with this.

You think famous women from history...

You think Amelia Earhart says,

"Oh, hold on, I parked the plane...

Now I need help getting this couch out"?

Usually my roommate helps me when I pull this out,

but she had a test.

And she wasn't totally into me doing this.

Okay. History in the making.

This is good. This is comfortable.

This is gonna be fine.

Hold on.

Okay.

All right, gentlemen. Come on in.

[Bell dings]

Let's see who responded to the Craigslist ad.

Okay, okay.

Not what I was picturing, but okay.

There's more of you. Just... Just line...

Line keeps coming in.

You know what? You know what?

This is...

You look tired. You look tired.

I'm tired.

It's too hot in here.

You know?

Um, I'm feeling like maybe I could just...

You know, I mean, I still hate...

I hate that women are objectified.

I hate that.

But I'm feeling like I could do a little less...

a little less to prove that point.

I mean, you guys get that women are equal to men, right?

You get that, right?

I don't know. I guess.

Okay, then what are we doing here? [Laughs]

The gang bang is officially canceled.

Goodbye. Thank you.

So there's no gang bang today?

No. No. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.

No, it's... It's fine. It's cool.

Wait, okay. Excuse me. I'm sorry.

W-What do you mean, "It's cool"?

Well, I mean, I can't speak for everybody,

but I mean, as far as body types go,

I'm more into that girl Whitney from that show "Whitney."

You know, no offense.

No. No offense. Thanks for being honest.

You're cute, but you're no Whitney.

So you're saying that if... if I had stayed there,

you wouldn't have wanted to do it?

No, I mean, I would have done it,

but, like, my heart wouldn't have been that into it.

Have a good afternoon, ma'am.

"Ma'am"?

Wait, hold on. Hold on a second.

Everybody just chill out, okay?

That was a test.

Gang bang is rescheduled to right now.

We are still doing it. It's back on.

Gang bang on.

Everybody come fuck me.

Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me, fuck me.

Uh, slow down. We're not pieces of meat.

Don't you find it to be a little unfeminist

that you only want to have sex with me

because I'm not that into it?

Sounds like you want to be objectified, don't you think?

[Up-tempo classical music plays]

Ripped By mstoll

I don't know. Sometimes I think maybe I'm not that slutty.

There's a couple things about me

that make me think maybe I'm not.

I've never had anal.

That's... It's true. It's true.

And I'm not, like, against it.

I'm not like, "No, that's Jesus' hole!"

Or something weird.

[Laughter]

I'm not.

I don't have a philosophy against it, I just...

You know, I've never been like,

"I want something in there!"

You know? "Nnh!"

I don't do it 'cause guess what...

It seems like it hurts.

I also don't put my hand on the stove.

[Laughter]

[Indistinct conversations]

MAN: Ahh. Everybody happy?

- [Chuckling] Yeah? - WOMAN: I am.

MAN: That is good stuff.

- I am stuffed. - Me too.

This was such a good idea, coming to Supper & a Movie's.

I... I feel like I'm in Hollywood.

Yeah, but we're on vacation in New York.

Winning!

Hey, guys!

So is that a wrap or do we want to shoot a dessert scene?

Oh, we are so full. We're like the Klumps.

Okay, well, then, you know what time it is.

It's [Imitating fanfare]

- Movie trivia time! - No way!

- Yeah! What do you think? - No way!

You guys ready to play?

All right, here we go.

In the movie "Forrest Gump,"

when Jenny lets Forrest touch her,

what item of Jenny's roommates' does Forrest ejaculate on?

MAN: [Imitating Forrest Gump] I may not be a smart man,

but I know the answer.

[Laughs] Bathrobe, right?

- Yeah! - Splooge! [Laughs]

[Laughs] You nailed it!

Do you really think that that's an appropriate trivia question

to ask in front of children?

Oh, well, I know it was pretty hard, but, I mean, you got it.

Yeah, we did. [Laughs]

AMY: Okay, next question.

In the movie "Back to the Future," who is the mean bully?

I'll give you a hint.

He tries to rape Marty McFly's mom.

He's like, "You love me! You just don't know it yet!"

Yeah. Ohh, yeah.

Come on, honey. Kids, you remember.

He's trying to rape the mom, but the mom's all upset

'cause she's trying to sleep with her own son.

Okay, I don't want to hear about people raping moms.

Oh, I think you guys will remember.

It's like the hottest scene in that movie.

I don't actually see what's hot about that.

Oh, you should watch it again. It's great.

Oh! It's Biff. Our son's name is Biff. Duh!

What a cool name, buddy.

All right, cool. One more to go.

In the movie "Up,"

what objects lifted the house containing the old man

and the young Asian boy scout?

I know this one. Trick question...

The boy was not Asian, he was retarded!

[Conversations stop]

Balloons.

The answer is balloons.

I'll get your check.

[Conversations resume]

Um, you're bumming us out,

so I think it's best

if we go to Ground Zero by ourselves.

Jenny, Biff.

[Clears throat] Come on.

Sorry your wife is such a monster.

I'm leaving her.

I'm always here.

Favorite movie? "Matrix."

I'm gonna act out a movie.

You tell me what it's from, okay?

Okay.

I-I'm not sure what that is.

That was the pinball scene from "The Accused."

- Did you ever see "Precious"? - No. What is that?

It's like a romantic comedy.

I do watch chick flicks, though.

You do? You ever see "27 Dresses"?

I only made it to 15, then I started puking.

31.

I'm 31. My friends... It's a weird age.

Like, having their first wave of divorces right now.

It's a weird time.

What do you do first? You call your sluttiest friend.

Hi! That's me.

They call me 'cause they want to get a drink all of a sudden.

But, yeah, what do you say when someone's like,

"I'm getting a divorce"?

Like, is there... Like, what's the protocol?

I wish there was a card,

like a Hallmark card that said, like, um,

"I told you so, bitch."

- [Laughter] - Or...

Or something like, "What'd you expect?

You met him at a flip-cup tournament."

Do they have that?

Is there a Beanie Baby, you press its belly, it's like,

"Remember how smug you were at your wedding, you cunt?"

- One of those? - [Laughter]

"Hi!"

You're getting married!

This is such a huge deal.

I can't believe it's happening to me.

Neither can we. Psych! You're the best.

You guys are my best friends.

Okay, open your presents, bitch.

- Yay! - Yes, yes, yes.

- Viv! - [Laughs]

I use the same kind myself.

Let's just say it really knows what it's doing.

- Uhh! - Okay.

Me next, me next, me next!

This is called the Herminator and it's the same one I use.

It has an alarm clock and voice control.

It is the best.

No offense.

None taken.

Actually, speaking of the best, open mine.

- Oh. - Boom!

[Laughter]

Yeah, it's the Good Vibrations Sweet Sensations,

and this thing makes my eyes pop out of my head

and become my vagina.

[Laughs]

Um, I just found the battery life on those things

to be dog shit.

Um, actually, it's also a Boingo hotspot

and I know you travel a lot, so I'm just really considerate.

Well, you haven't opened my gift yet.

- Ohh! - Ohh!

It has GPS. You can download 5,000 songs on it.

Did I mention that you can link mine up to your Facebook page?

You know what? Mine also functions as a mezuzah,

for when you and Adam get a place.

Holy cow!

Oh, a mezuzah's just what Jewish people

hang outside their door to feel safe.

I know.

You guys are amazing friends.

Yeah, but, like, I'm your best friend,

and I just want you to know that I care about your vagina

more than I care about my own.

And that's like the most possible you can care,

if that makes sense.

It does make sense.

But I also care about your vagina a ton.

You know, sometimes too much, I wonder.

I do wonder that. You know, I just...

For me, I just really want your vagina

to be on the brink of exhaustion at all times.

[Woman laughs]

Carly, I haven't opened yours yet.

All the other gifts were so amazing, it's embarrassing.

Let's keep it light, Carly.

- Come on! - Okay.

Now, you know I don't make a lot of money

working at The Container Store.

We do know, Carly.

We know because you've said it a number of times.

There's nothing we can do about how much you get paid there.

So I kind of made you something.

- Ohh! - Ohh.

What is it?

It's also a vibrator.

That's us sophomore year at the Grand Canyon.

Oh, Carly, this is the best one.

Really?

This is my favorite one.

You guys, isn't this the best one?

It is... It is nice.

- Here, pass it around. - Colorful.

It took about nine hours from sketching it out

to its full realization.

Oh, no.

CARLY: Oh.

Well, I guess the glue's not dry.

I'm sure you can just stick it back on.

Some of the shells are still sandy.

Just be careful, I guess. Heh.

Would you ever get somebody a vibrator as a gift?

Yes! I think it's the best gift ever.

My birthday is coming up.

Do you own a vibrator?

I used to, but it broke in college.

- What about you? - Mine didn't break.

- Still in use. - [Laughter]

- Thank God. - Still rocking out.

Praise the Lord.

Why do we even have to go to this bridal shower?

They're gonna be divorced in two seconds.

Look, I think it'll mean a lot to your sister.

- Oh, gosh. - What?

Tig has cancer. Who?

One of the writers on my show.

Oh, my God. Amy, I'm so sorry.

You must be so overwhelmed right now.

No, we're not, like, close.

No, stop it, stop it. You're clearly in shock.

Here, give me this. Go home.

I'm gonna tell Kim what happened.

I'm sure she's gonna understand.

- Yeah. - Do it.

- Okay, I'm so sad. - Yeah.

It's a hard time.

[Elevator bell dings]

Amy, are you coming

to my one-woman burlesque show tonight?

It's the final performance.

Oh, is it?

No. No, I can't. Tig has cancer.

Oh, my God. I-I had no idea.

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, so I'm probably just gonna be, like, spoon-feeding her,

like, load the blankets on her, just...

God, I don't need to bore you

with the details of my life right now.

What life? I'm basically living like a saint.

Does she need anything?

- No. - Do you need anything?

Uh... Actually, you know what?

A cookie would be amazing.

Chocolate chip, obviously. Have them heated up.

Not too hot. That can really burn your mouth.

And I'm already dealing with enough with Tig.

Okay? Seriously, warm, not hot.

If it's too hot, you're gonna hear about it.

Okay, break a leg.

[Computer dings]

Hey, Ame. The network's here.

They wanted to go through some notes

about the Downsy nun sketch.

Oh, my God.

Amy? Are you crying?

What's wrong, babe?

This... This bag...

Is this about Tig?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

It's... It is totally about Tig.

I was up till like 5:00 a.m. Last night

just, like, reading to her

from the Indigo Girls' autobiography, and just...

Did they write that together or...

So I just... With so much on my plate right now,

I just don't feel like

I can deal with network notes, you know?

I know, I know. And here's the thing...

You're not going to because here's what we're gonna do.

I'm gonna go through these notes with the network.

Meanwhile, you go get a pedicure... on me.

- Don't even worry... - Thanks, Jessi.

Oh.

I guess we're just each other's heroes right now.

Yeah.

Hi.

Do you have the Indigo Girls' autobiography?

[Typing]

Looks like that is not a thing,

and it never will be.

Hey, is this the only staff pick you have?

Tig.

- Oh. - How are you?

Oh, well, aside from getting my tits ripped off...

- You know, I mean... - That's awful.

Do you know that book Amy's been reading to you from?

A book Amy's been reading to me from?

I haven't seen Amy in over a month.

What?

But then that's when she said to me,

"I may be the one with cancer,

but you're definitely the one going to heaven."

- Aww! - Aww!

- Who's going to heaven? - MAN: Hey, Tig!

- Hey! - Hey!

WOMAN: Tig, you look great!

Hey, what are you doing here?

Shouldn't you be in bed or something?

Look at you in your sad little wig.

It's actually my real hair, Amy.

What are you doing here?

I wanted to publicly thank you.

Now that I'm all better,

Amy has time to do anything for anyone.

Will you do all of our podcasts?

She'd love to.

And if anyone has a Web series,

she'd love to do all of those as well.

- Yes! - Yes!

All right!

I'm gonna be out of town next week.

Can you feed my cat?

She'd be honored.

My one-woman show got extended.

The New York Times called it, "A one-woman show in New York."

Amy, you love shows in New York.

I can't... I can't...

wait!

I can't wait.

Oh, I want to see that show.

I'm gonna go to my office. Can I just have my daily cookie?

- Yeah, there you go. - Thank you.

Oh, this is the perfect temperature for a cookie.

Thanks.

How many of you have podcasts?

We each have two.

Does anybody at work ever, like, ask you to donate to charity

or do charity work?

Yes. I donate clothes and everything.

Oh, yeah.

I do charity work, but I just consider

sleeping with short guys mine.

[Laughs]

So, Sonya, you are a dominatrix.

I am.

How did you get into it? How did you start being a dom?

Well, I saw an ad one day where it said, "Dominatrixes wanted."

And I don't know, but just a light went on

and I was like, "That sounds like fun!"

What's your outfit you wear?

I'll wear, like, a catsuit

or I'll wear, like, a latex minidress.

Isn't that hard to get on and off?

No, because what you do is you lube yourself first.

- With what? - With...

Can I say the brand name?

Yeah. They're probably a sponsor for this show.

[Laughs]

Do you have a signature thing?

Yeah, I like to do golden showers.

- You pee on them. - I pee on them, yes.

Okay. What if you don't have to go?

- I always have to go. - Really?

I mean, I drink lots of water, so I'm always ready to, like...

You're ready to go.

What are you into now?

I like to confuse and "conflummox."

Is that definitely a word?

"Conflummox"? Wendy Williams uses it.

Oh, well, then no.

[Laughter]

What is the weirdest thing a guy has ever said to you?

There are guys who want to go...

They're like, "Oh, I want you to take me out

and put a leash on my dick and take me to the mall

and then just run through my credit card,"

which, yeah, I'll run through your credit card if you want...

That sounds good. That part of it sounds good.

But I'm not gonna, like, lead you around for the public.

I've been to several malls this year,

and I've always been happy to not see a guy being led around

with a leash... by his dick.

And they always think somebody wants to see their dick.

Yeah, why do guys think

everybody wants to see their dick?

I have no clue.

What's just, like, the weirdest request you've ever had?

I had a guy who asked me to castrate him.

He wanted me to hang him by his sissy white neck

and cut his balls off.

- Actually cut off his balls? - Mm-hmm.

How did it make you feel when he asked you to do that?

I reasoned with him.

I'm like, "Why would you want me to do that?

So, now, if you have this fantasy,

and I cut them off and you have the urge again,

what are you gonna do then?

Because you've got no balls now."

Yeah, like it'll just have to be this one great time.

It's like that Daffy Duck where he does

that big production and then he blows up.

It's not exactly like that, but there...

- I do see the similarities. - Yeah.

Your family knows that you...

Everybody knows. Except my dad.

Hi, Dad. I'm a dominatrix.

My dad thinks I'm a clown.

[Laughing]

What's something that your clients have introduced you to

that you've incorporated into your own life?

Oh, a vibrator. Hands down.

- Really? - Oh, yes.

What kind of vibrator?

It's a Hitachi. It's that...

Wait, hold on. Does... Can I have a pen?

[Laughs]

Nobody's afraid of an orgasm on this set.

That's right.

What's the most a client ever gave?

Oh, you're trying to get me in trouble with the IRS.

Oh, no, I really don't think

that they're gonna watch this show.

- You'd be surprised. - Really?

The most expensive thing a client

has ever gotten me is a house.

I will shit on anyone in this room right now

for just a ranch in Florida.

[Laughing]

Oh, man, this is kind of disappointing.

This question is, "How many fingers am I holding up?"

But I just, like, read, "How many fingers..."

and I was like, "I've got this. I've got this."

[Laughter]

And I really did not mean to sound preachy about anal.

Like, I've just never... a penis.

Have I had fingers up there? Yes.

I've been worn like a glove. Trust me.

[Laughter]

Everybody fuck me.

Guys, can you hear me?

I'm saying everybody come fuck me.

You guys?

What about... No?

I can't see everybody in the back.

Are they willing to come fuck me?

Is anybody still willing to fuck me?

Okay?

Will you guys just watch and I'll fuck myself?

[Man speaks indistinctly]

[Laughter]

We know.

Okay? Nothing we can do about it.

And this is a party,

and it's not about your financial situation.

And I love you dearly, but I got to say that.

And it's not my fucking problem.

- [Laughing] Sorry. - [Laughter]