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00:00:02,434 --> 00:00:04,129
Hi, I'm Amy Schumer,
2
00:00:04,236 --> 00:00:06,602
and I'm proud to say
that I'm a feminist.
3
00:00:06,705 --> 00:00:09,640
That's why today I'm hosting
my very own gang bang,
4
00:00:09,742 --> 00:00:11,972
to prove that women
are not objects.
5
00:00:12,077 --> 00:00:15,274
Look, men, you are not
penetrating our vaginas.
6
00:00:15,381 --> 00:00:19,283
We are engulfing your penises.
7
00:00:19,385 --> 00:00:21,410
[Clicks cheek]
Think about it.
8
00:00:21,520 --> 00:00:23,681
I want to thank
the good people at Sea Spray
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00:00:23,789 --> 00:00:25,757
for providing
all the cranberry juice
10
00:00:25,858 --> 00:00:27,621
I'll be drinking
throughout the day.
11
00:00:27,726 --> 00:00:30,092
I'm just really proud
to be here today,
12
00:00:30,195 --> 00:00:33,756
like so many women
who have come before me.
13
00:00:33,866 --> 00:00:35,458
Sandra Day...
14
00:00:36,635 --> 00:00:39,365
And Sotomayor...
15
00:00:39,471 --> 00:00:42,099
You know, tons.
Too... Too many to list.
16
00:00:42,207 --> 00:00:43,504
Am I a hero?
17
00:00:43,609 --> 00:00:46,100
Yeah, yeah.
I'm probably a hero.
18
00:00:46,211 --> 00:00:48,611
Do I think today
will be a ton of fun?
19
00:00:48,714 --> 00:00:50,181
I'm counting on it.
20
00:00:50,282 --> 00:00:53,445
All right.
All right.
21
00:00:53,552 --> 00:00:55,645
Let's just get this started.
22
00:00:55,754 --> 00:00:58,279
This is a couch from home.
23
00:00:58,390 --> 00:01:01,826
They're very cool about bringing
your own stuff into this space.
24
00:01:01,927 --> 00:01:03,554
I can do this by myself,
25
00:01:03,662 --> 00:01:05,391
I don't need a man
to help me with this.
26
00:01:05,497 --> 00:01:07,328
You think famous women
from history...
27
00:01:07,433 --> 00:01:08,695
You think Amelia Earhart says,
28
00:01:08,801 --> 00:01:10,792
"Oh, hold on,
I parked the plane...
29
00:01:10,903 --> 00:01:13,337
Now I need help
getting this couch out"?
30
00:01:13,439 --> 00:01:15,964
Usually my roommate helps me
when I pull this out,
31
00:01:16,075 --> 00:01:18,976
but she had a test.
32
00:01:19,078 --> 00:01:21,239
And she wasn't
totally into me doing this.
33
00:01:21,346 --> 00:01:24,144
Okay.
History in the making.
34
00:01:24,249 --> 00:01:25,876
This is good.
This is comfortable.
35
00:01:25,984 --> 00:01:27,645
This is gonna be fine.
36
00:01:29,188 --> 00:01:30,519
Hold on.
37
00:01:31,723 --> 00:01:32,951
Okay.
38
00:01:33,058 --> 00:01:35,151
All right, gentlemen.
Come on in.
39
00:01:35,260 --> 00:01:36,158
[Bell dings]
40
00:01:36,261 --> 00:01:39,196
Let's see who responded
to the Craigslist ad.
41
00:01:41,533 --> 00:01:42,898
Okay, okay.
42
00:01:44,503 --> 00:01:47,233
Not what I was picturing,
but okay.
43
00:01:49,842 --> 00:01:53,369
There's more of you.
Just... Just line...
44
00:01:53,479 --> 00:01:55,208
Line keeps coming in.
45
00:01:56,782 --> 00:01:59,376
You know what?
You know what?
46
00:01:59,485 --> 00:02:00,611
This is...
47
00:02:00,719 --> 00:02:02,687
You look tired.
You look tired.
48
00:02:02,788 --> 00:02:04,688
I'm tired.
49
00:02:04,790 --> 00:02:06,052
It's too hot in here.
50
00:02:06,158 --> 00:02:07,887
You know?
51
00:02:07,993 --> 00:02:11,053
Um, I'm feeling like maybe
I could just...
52
00:02:11,163 --> 00:02:12,824
You know,
I mean, I still hate...
53
00:02:12,931 --> 00:02:15,491
I hate that women
are objectified.
54
00:02:15,601 --> 00:02:16,932
I hate that.
55
00:02:17,035 --> 00:02:19,401
But I'm feeling like
I could do a little less...
56
00:02:19,505 --> 00:02:21,166
a little less
to prove that point.
57
00:02:21,273 --> 00:02:23,867
I mean, you guys get that
women are equal to men, right?
58
00:02:23,976 --> 00:02:25,341
You get that, right?
59
00:02:25,444 --> 00:02:26,706
I don't know.
I guess.
60
00:02:26,812 --> 00:02:29,508
Okay, then what are
we doing here? [Laughs]
61
00:02:29,615 --> 00:02:31,446
The gang bang
is officially canceled.
62
00:02:31,550 --> 00:02:34,417
Goodbye.
Thank you.
63
00:02:34,520 --> 00:02:36,511
So there's no gang bang today?
64
00:02:36,622 --> 00:02:39,022
No. No.
I'm so sorry. I'm sorry.
65
00:02:39,124 --> 00:02:42,116
No, it's...
It's fine. It's cool.
66
00:02:44,329 --> 00:02:46,194
Wait, okay.
Excuse me. I'm sorry.
67
00:02:46,298 --> 00:02:48,357
W-What do you mean, "It's cool"?
68
00:02:48,467 --> 00:02:49,944
Well, I mean,
I can't speak for everybody,
69
00:02:49,968 --> 00:02:51,279
but I mean,
as far as body types go,
70
00:02:51,303 --> 00:02:53,771
I'm more into that girl Whitney
from that show "Whitney."
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00:02:53,872 --> 00:02:55,203
You know, no offense.
72
00:02:55,307 --> 00:02:57,571
No. No offense.
Thanks for being honest.
73
00:02:57,676 --> 00:03:00,804
You're cute,
but you're no Whitney.
74
00:03:00,913 --> 00:03:04,076
So you're saying that
if... if I had stayed there,
75
00:03:04,183 --> 00:03:05,741
you wouldn't have wanted
to do it?
76
00:03:05,851 --> 00:03:07,250
No, I mean,
I would have done it,
77
00:03:07,352 --> 00:03:10,583
but, like, my heart wouldn't
have been that into it.
78
00:03:10,689 --> 00:03:11,883
Have a good afternoon, ma'am.
79
00:03:11,990 --> 00:03:12,888
"Ma'am"?
80
00:03:12,991 --> 00:03:15,221
Wait, hold on.
Hold on a second.
81
00:03:15,327 --> 00:03:17,557
Everybody just chill out, okay?
82
00:03:17,663 --> 00:03:19,062
That was a test.
83
00:03:19,164 --> 00:03:22,156
Gang bang is rescheduled
to right now.
84
00:03:22,267 --> 00:03:25,395
We are still doing it.
It's back on.
85
00:03:25,504 --> 00:03:26,596
Gang bang on.
86
00:03:26,705 --> 00:03:28,730
Everybody come fuck me.
87
00:03:28,840 --> 00:03:31,001
Fuck me, fuck me, fuck me,
fuck me, fuck me.
88
00:03:31,109 --> 00:03:33,475
Uh, slow down.
We're not pieces of meat.
89
00:03:33,579 --> 00:03:35,342
Don't you find it to be
a little unfeminist
90
00:03:35,447 --> 00:03:36,891
that you only want to
have sex with me
91
00:03:36,915 --> 00:03:38,473
because I'm not that into it?
92
00:03:38,584 --> 00:03:40,950
Sounds like you want to be
objectified, don't you think?
93
00:03:46,758 --> 00:03:48,555
[Up-tempo classical music plays]
94
00:03:51,000 --> 00:03:59,000
Ripped By mstoll
95
00:04:05,877 --> 00:04:08,607
I don't know. Sometimes I think
maybe I'm not that slutty.
96
00:04:08,714 --> 00:04:09,994
There's a couple things about me
97
00:04:10,048 --> 00:04:11,192
that make me think
maybe I'm not.
98
00:04:11,216 --> 00:04:13,377
I've never had anal.
99
00:04:13,485 --> 00:04:15,282
That's... It's true.
It's true.
100
00:04:15,387 --> 00:04:16,786
And I'm not, like, against it.
101
00:04:16,888 --> 00:04:18,446
I'm not like,
"No, that's Jesus' hole!"
102
00:04:18,557 --> 00:04:19,854
Or something weird.
103
00:04:19,958 --> 00:04:21,949
[Laughter]
104
00:04:22,060 --> 00:04:24,221
I'm not.
105
00:04:24,329 --> 00:04:26,957
I don't have a philosophy
against it, I just...
106
00:04:27,065 --> 00:04:28,276
You know, I've never been like,
107
00:04:28,300 --> 00:04:29,699
"I want something in there!"
108
00:04:29,801 --> 00:04:31,063
You know? "Nnh!"
109
00:04:31,169 --> 00:04:33,330
I don't do it
'cause guess what...
110
00:04:33,438 --> 00:04:34,666
It seems like it hurts.
111
00:04:34,773 --> 00:04:37,037
I also don't put
my hand on the stove.
112
00:04:37,142 --> 00:04:39,303
[Laughter]
113
00:04:42,247 --> 00:04:43,287
[Indistinct conversations]
114
00:04:43,348 --> 00:04:44,815
MAN: Ahh.
Everybody happy?
115
00:04:44,916 --> 00:04:46,160
- [Chuckling] Yeah?
- WOMAN: I am.
116
00:04:46,184 --> 00:04:48,209
MAN:
That is good stuff.
117
00:04:48,320 --> 00:04:51,187
- I am stuffed.
- Me too.
118
00:04:51,290 --> 00:04:54,054
This was such a good idea,
coming to Supper & a Movie's.
119
00:04:54,159 --> 00:04:56,218
I... I feel like
I'm in Hollywood.
120
00:04:56,328 --> 00:04:59,229
Yeah, but we're on vacation
in New York.
121
00:04:59,331 --> 00:05:00,662
Winning!
122
00:05:00,766 --> 00:05:01,858
Hey, guys!
123
00:05:01,967 --> 00:05:05,266
So is that a wrap or do we want
to shoot a dessert scene?
124
00:05:05,370 --> 00:05:08,362
Oh, we are so full.
We're like the Klumps.
125
00:05:08,473 --> 00:05:10,532
Okay, well, then,
you know what time it is.
126
00:05:10,642 --> 00:05:12,234
It's [Imitating fanfare]
127
00:05:12,344 --> 00:05:14,676
- Movie trivia time!
- No way!
128
00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,157
- Yeah! What do you think?
- No way!
129
00:05:16,181 --> 00:05:17,409
You guys ready to play?
130
00:05:17,516 --> 00:05:19,040
All right, here we go.
131
00:05:19,151 --> 00:05:21,415
In the movie "Forrest Gump,"
132
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:23,351
when Jenny lets Forrest
touch her,
133
00:05:23,455 --> 00:05:29,416
what item of Jenny's roommates'
does Forrest ejaculate on?
134
00:05:29,528 --> 00:05:31,688
MAN: [Imitating Forrest Gump]
I may not be a smart man,
135
00:05:31,730 --> 00:05:33,459
but I know the answer.
136
00:05:33,565 --> 00:05:35,465
[Laughs]
Bathrobe, right?
137
00:05:35,567 --> 00:05:38,229
- Yeah!
- Splooge! [Laughs]
138
00:05:38,337 --> 00:05:40,396
[Laughs]
You nailed it!
139
00:05:40,505 --> 00:05:42,650
Do you really think that that's
an appropriate trivia question
140
00:05:42,674 --> 00:05:43,718
to ask in front of children?
141
00:05:43,742 --> 00:05:46,142
Oh, well, I know it was pretty
hard, but, I mean, you got it.
142
00:05:46,178 --> 00:05:47,645
Yeah, we did.
[Laughs]
143
00:05:47,746 --> 00:05:48,974
AMY:
Okay, next question.
144
00:05:49,081 --> 00:05:52,812
In the movie "Back to the
Future," who is the mean bully?
145
00:05:52,918 --> 00:05:54,317
I'll give you a hint.
146
00:05:54,419 --> 00:05:56,387
He tries to rape
Marty McFly's mom.
147
00:05:56,488 --> 00:05:58,752
He's like, "You love me!
You just don't know it yet!"
148
00:05:58,857 --> 00:05:59,857
Yeah. Ohh, yeah.
149
00:05:59,891 --> 00:06:01,552
Come on, honey.
Kids, you remember.
150
00:06:01,660 --> 00:06:03,719
He's trying to rape the mom,
but the mom's all upset
151
00:06:03,829 --> 00:06:05,629
'cause she's trying
to sleep with her own son.
152
00:06:05,731 --> 00:06:07,408
Okay, I don't want to hear
about people raping moms.
153
00:06:07,432 --> 00:06:08,676
Oh, I think you guys
will remember.
154
00:06:08,700 --> 00:06:10,211
It's like the hottest scene
in that movie.
155
00:06:10,235 --> 00:06:11,646
I don't actually see
what's hot about that.
156
00:06:11,670 --> 00:06:13,181
Oh, you should watch it again.
It's great.
157
00:06:13,205 --> 00:06:16,572
Oh! It's Biff.
Our son's name is Biff. Duh!
158
00:06:16,675 --> 00:06:17,835
What a cool name, buddy.
159
00:06:17,943 --> 00:06:20,411
All right, cool.
One more to go.
160
00:06:20,512 --> 00:06:22,639
In the movie "Up,"
161
00:06:22,748 --> 00:06:26,616
what objects lifted the house
containing the old man
162
00:06:26,718 --> 00:06:29,312
and the young Asian boy scout?
163
00:06:29,421 --> 00:06:31,821
I know this one.
Trick question...
164
00:06:31,923 --> 00:06:35,950
The boy was not Asian,
he was retarded!
165
00:06:36,061 --> 00:06:37,221
[Conversations stop]
166
00:06:47,439 --> 00:06:49,031
Balloons.
167
00:06:50,876 --> 00:06:52,468
The answer is balloons.
168
00:06:52,577 --> 00:06:54,477
I'll get your check.
169
00:06:54,579 --> 00:06:56,171
[Conversations resume]
170
00:06:56,281 --> 00:06:59,717
Um, you're bumming us out,
171
00:06:59,818 --> 00:07:01,945
so I think it's best
172
00:07:02,053 --> 00:07:06,046
if we go to Ground Zero
by ourselves.
173
00:07:06,158 --> 00:07:08,251
Jenny, Biff.
174
00:07:10,061 --> 00:07:12,393
[Clears throat]
Come on.
175
00:07:15,467 --> 00:07:17,526
Sorry your wife
is such a monster.
176
00:07:17,636 --> 00:07:19,001
I'm leaving her.
177
00:07:19,104 --> 00:07:21,470
I'm always here.
178
00:07:24,443 --> 00:07:25,910
Favorite movie?
"Matrix."
179
00:07:26,011 --> 00:07:27,051
I'm gonna act out a movie.
180
00:07:27,112 --> 00:07:28,636
You tell me
what it's from, okay?
181
00:07:28,747 --> 00:07:29,839
Okay.
182
00:07:33,585 --> 00:07:34,984
I-I'm not sure what that is.
183
00:07:35,086 --> 00:07:37,077
That was the pinball scene
from "The Accused."
184
00:07:37,189 --> 00:07:39,987
- Did you ever see "Precious"?
- No. What is that?
185
00:07:40,091 --> 00:07:42,389
It's like a romantic comedy.
186
00:07:42,494 --> 00:07:44,189
I do watch chick flicks, though.
187
00:07:44,296 --> 00:07:47,060
You do?
You ever see "27 Dresses"?
188
00:07:47,165 --> 00:07:50,794
I only made it to 15,
then I started puking.
189
00:07:57,776 --> 00:07:59,505
31.
190
00:07:59,611 --> 00:08:02,512
I'm 31.
My friends... It's a weird age.
191
00:08:02,614 --> 00:08:05,242
Like, having their first wave
of divorces right now.
192
00:08:05,350 --> 00:08:06,749
It's a weird time.
193
00:08:06,852 --> 00:08:10,219
What do you do first?
You call your sluttiest friend.
194
00:08:10,322 --> 00:08:12,586
Hi! That's me.
195
00:08:12,691 --> 00:08:15,091
They call me 'cause they want
to get a drink all of a sudden.
196
00:08:15,160 --> 00:08:17,390
But, yeah, what do you say
when someone's like,
197
00:08:17,496 --> 00:08:18,554
"I'm getting a divorce"?
198
00:08:18,663 --> 00:08:20,563
Like, is there...
Like, what's the protocol?
199
00:08:20,665 --> 00:08:21,665
I wish there was a card,
200
00:08:21,733 --> 00:08:24,896
like a Hallmark card
that said, like, um,
201
00:08:25,003 --> 00:08:26,368
"I told you so, bitch."
202
00:08:26,471 --> 00:08:27,938
- [Laughter]
- Or...
203
00:08:28,039 --> 00:08:30,439
Or something like,
"What'd you expect?
204
00:08:30,542 --> 00:08:31,953
You met him
at a flip-cup tournament."
205
00:08:31,977 --> 00:08:33,808
Do they have that?
206
00:08:35,046 --> 00:08:37,310
Is there a Beanie Baby,
you press its belly, it's like,
207
00:08:37,415 --> 00:08:39,393
"Remember how smug you were
at your wedding, you cunt?"
208
00:08:39,417 --> 00:08:41,044
- One of those?
- [Laughter]
209
00:08:41,152 --> 00:08:42,551
"Hi!"
210
00:08:46,825 --> 00:08:49,225
You're getting married!
211
00:08:49,327 --> 00:08:50,794
This is such a huge deal.
212
00:08:50,896 --> 00:08:52,420
I can't believe
it's happening to me.
213
00:08:52,531 --> 00:08:55,159
Neither can we.
Psych! You're the best.
214
00:08:55,267 --> 00:08:57,462
You guys are my best friends.
215
00:08:57,569 --> 00:08:59,230
Okay, open your presents, bitch.
216
00:08:59,337 --> 00:09:01,328
- Yay!
- Yes, yes, yes.
217
00:09:03,041 --> 00:09:04,406
- Viv!
- [Laughs]
218
00:09:04,509 --> 00:09:06,272
I use the same kind myself.
219
00:09:06,378 --> 00:09:08,676
Let's just say
it really knows what it's doing.
220
00:09:08,780 --> 00:09:10,975
- Uhh!
- Okay.
221
00:09:11,082 --> 00:09:13,073
Me next, me next, me next!
222
00:09:15,353 --> 00:09:18,254
This is called the Herminator
and it's the same one I use.
223
00:09:18,356 --> 00:09:21,450
It has an alarm clock
and voice control.
224
00:09:21,560 --> 00:09:23,187
It is the best.
225
00:09:23,295 --> 00:09:24,421
No offense.
226
00:09:24,529 --> 00:09:25,529
None taken.
227
00:09:25,630 --> 00:09:29,088
Actually, speaking of the best,
open mine.
228
00:09:30,869 --> 00:09:31,961
- Oh.
- Boom!
229
00:09:32,070 --> 00:09:33,435
[Laughter]
230
00:09:33,538 --> 00:09:36,473
Yeah, it's the Good Vibrations
Sweet Sensations,
231
00:09:36,575 --> 00:09:39,373
and this thing makes my eyes
pop out of my head
232
00:09:39,477 --> 00:09:41,604
and become my vagina.
233
00:09:41,713 --> 00:09:42,611
[Laughs]
234
00:09:42,714 --> 00:09:45,376
Um, I just found
the battery life on those things
235
00:09:45,483 --> 00:09:46,643
to be dog shit.
236
00:09:46,751 --> 00:09:49,948
Um, actually,
it's also a Boingo hotspot
237
00:09:50,055 --> 00:09:53,024
and I know you travel a lot,
so I'm just really considerate.
238
00:09:53,124 --> 00:09:56,287
Well, you haven't opened
my gift yet.
239
00:09:58,096 --> 00:09:58,824
- Ohh!
- Ohh!
240
00:09:58,930 --> 00:10:02,024
It has GPS. You can
download 5,000 songs on it.
241
00:10:02,133 --> 00:10:04,693
Did I mention that you can link
mine up to your Facebook page?
242
00:10:04,803 --> 00:10:07,237
You know what? Mine also
functions as a mezuzah,
243
00:10:07,339 --> 00:10:08,806
for when you and Adam
get a place.
244
00:10:08,907 --> 00:10:09,999
Holy cow!
245
00:10:10,108 --> 00:10:11,700
Oh, a mezuzah's just
what Jewish people
246
00:10:11,810 --> 00:10:13,903
hang outside their door
to feel safe.
247
00:10:14,012 --> 00:10:14,910
I know.
248
00:10:15,013 --> 00:10:17,072
You guys are amazing friends.
249
00:10:17,182 --> 00:10:19,878
Yeah, but, like,
I'm your best friend,
250
00:10:19,985 --> 00:10:23,352
and I just want you to know
that I care about your vagina
251
00:10:23,455 --> 00:10:25,355
more than I care about my own.
252
00:10:25,457 --> 00:10:28,654
And that's like the most
possible you can care,
253
00:10:28,760 --> 00:10:29,920
if that makes sense.
254
00:10:30,028 --> 00:10:31,086
It does make sense.
255
00:10:31,196 --> 00:10:33,426
But I also care about
your vagina a ton.
256
00:10:33,531 --> 00:10:36,091
You know, sometimes too much,
I wonder.
257
00:10:36,201 --> 00:10:38,101
I do wonder that.
You know, I just...
258
00:10:38,203 --> 00:10:40,103
For me, I just really want
your vagina
259
00:10:40,205 --> 00:10:42,105
to be on the brink of exhaustion
at all times.
260
00:10:42,207 --> 00:10:43,572
[Woman laughs]
261
00:10:43,675 --> 00:10:45,233
Carly, I haven't
opened yours yet.
262
00:10:45,343 --> 00:10:48,244
All the other gifts were
so amazing, it's embarrassing.
263
00:10:48,346 --> 00:10:49,813
Let's keep it light, Carly.
264
00:10:50,949 --> 00:10:52,610
- Come on!
- Okay.
265
00:10:54,152 --> 00:10:55,752
Now, you know
I don't make a lot of money
266
00:10:55,820 --> 00:10:57,060
working at The Container Store.
267
00:10:57,155 --> 00:10:58,554
We do know, Carly.
268
00:10:58,657 --> 00:11:01,922
We know because you've said it
a number of times.
269
00:11:02,027 --> 00:11:04,894
There's nothing we can do about
how much you get paid there.
270
00:11:06,197 --> 00:11:07,630
So I kind of made you something.
271
00:11:07,732 --> 00:11:10,064
- Ohh!
- Ohh.
272
00:11:12,804 --> 00:11:14,271
What is it?
273
00:11:14,372 --> 00:11:15,896
It's also a vibrator.
274
00:11:16,007 --> 00:11:19,465
That's us sophomore year
at the Grand Canyon.
275
00:11:19,577 --> 00:11:21,738
Oh, Carly, this is the best one.
276
00:11:21,846 --> 00:11:23,143
Really?
277
00:11:23,248 --> 00:11:25,113
This is my favorite one.
278
00:11:25,216 --> 00:11:27,616
You guys,
isn't this the best one?
279
00:11:27,719 --> 00:11:29,914
It is... It is nice.
280
00:11:30,021 --> 00:11:31,716
- Here, pass it around.
- Colorful.
281
00:11:31,823 --> 00:11:34,383
It took about nine hours
from sketching it out
282
00:11:34,492 --> 00:11:35,823
to its full realization.
283
00:11:35,927 --> 00:11:37,224
Oh, no.
284
00:11:37,328 --> 00:11:38,795
CARLY: Oh.
285
00:11:38,897 --> 00:11:40,330
Well, I guess
the glue's not dry.
286
00:11:40,432 --> 00:11:42,457
I'm sure you can
just stick it back on.
287
00:11:42,567 --> 00:11:43,966
Some of the shells
are still sandy.
288
00:11:44,069 --> 00:11:46,401
Just be careful, I guess.
Heh.
289
00:11:49,340 --> 00:11:51,808
Would you ever get somebody
a vibrator as a gift?
290
00:11:51,910 --> 00:11:53,810
Yes! I think
it's the best gift ever.
291
00:11:53,912 --> 00:11:55,345
My birthday is coming up.
292
00:11:55,447 --> 00:11:57,244
Do you own a vibrator?
293
00:11:57,348 --> 00:11:59,976
I used to,
but it broke in college.
294
00:12:00,085 --> 00:12:01,677
- What about you?
- Mine didn't break.
295
00:12:01,786 --> 00:12:03,310
- Still in use.
- [Laughter]
296
00:12:03,421 --> 00:12:04,786
- Thank God.
- Still rocking out.
297
00:12:04,889 --> 00:12:06,151
Praise the Lord.
298
00:12:13,965 --> 00:12:15,776
Why do we even have to go
to this bridal shower?
299
00:12:15,800 --> 00:12:17,631
They're gonna be divorced
in two seconds.
300
00:12:17,736 --> 00:12:19,761
Look, I think it'll mean
a lot to your sister.
301
00:12:19,871 --> 00:12:21,930
- Oh, gosh.
- What?
302
00:12:22,040 --> 00:12:24,372
Tig has cancer.
Who?
303
00:12:24,476 --> 00:12:26,273
One of the writers on my show.
304
00:12:26,377 --> 00:12:28,709
Oh, my God.
Amy, I'm so sorry.
305
00:12:28,813 --> 00:12:30,440
You must be so overwhelmed
right now.
306
00:12:30,548 --> 00:12:32,345
No, we're not, like, close.
307
00:12:32,450 --> 00:12:35,385
No, stop it, stop it.
You're clearly in shock.
308
00:12:35,487 --> 00:12:37,785
Here, give me this.
Go home.
309
00:12:37,889 --> 00:12:39,169
I'm gonna tell Kim
what happened.
310
00:12:39,224 --> 00:12:41,021
I'm sure she's gonna understand.
311
00:12:41,126 --> 00:12:42,024
- Yeah.
- Do it.
312
00:12:42,127 --> 00:12:43,856
- Okay, I'm so sad.
- Yeah.
313
00:12:43,962 --> 00:12:45,896
It's a hard time.
314
00:12:50,301 --> 00:12:51,928
[Elevator bell dings]
315
00:12:54,839 --> 00:12:56,500
Amy, are you coming
316
00:12:56,608 --> 00:12:58,508
to my one-woman
burlesque show tonight?
317
00:12:58,610 --> 00:13:00,009
It's the final performance.
318
00:13:00,111 --> 00:13:01,908
Oh, is it?
319
00:13:02,013 --> 00:13:04,573
No. No, I can't.
Tig has cancer.
320
00:13:04,682 --> 00:13:06,707
Oh, my God.
I-I had no idea.
321
00:13:06,818 --> 00:13:07,546
Mm-hmm.
322
00:13:07,652 --> 00:13:10,246
Yeah, so I'm probably just gonna
be, like, spoon-feeding her,
323
00:13:10,355 --> 00:13:12,585
like, load the blankets on her,
just...
324
00:13:12,690 --> 00:13:14,157
God, I don't need to bore you
325
00:13:14,259 --> 00:13:15,851
with the details
of my life right now.
326
00:13:15,960 --> 00:13:18,986
What life? I'm basically living
like a saint.
327
00:13:19,097 --> 00:13:20,257
Does she need anything?
328
00:13:20,365 --> 00:13:22,833
- No.
- Do you need anything?
329
00:13:22,934 --> 00:13:24,424
Uh...
Actually, you know what?
330
00:13:24,536 --> 00:13:26,060
A cookie would be amazing.
331
00:13:26,171 --> 00:13:28,503
Chocolate chip, obviously.
Have them heated up.
332
00:13:28,606 --> 00:13:30,437
Not too hot.
That can really burn your mouth.
333
00:13:30,542 --> 00:13:32,153
And I'm already dealing
with enough with Tig.
334
00:13:32,177 --> 00:13:33,940
Okay?
Seriously, warm, not hot.
335
00:13:34,045 --> 00:13:35,756
If it's too hot,
you're gonna hear about it.
336
00:13:35,780 --> 00:13:36,940
Okay, break a leg.
337
00:13:39,884 --> 00:13:40,884
[Computer dings]
338
00:13:46,057 --> 00:13:47,684
Hey, Ame.
The network's here.
339
00:13:47,792 --> 00:13:49,555
They wanted to go
through some notes
340
00:13:49,661 --> 00:13:52,528
about the Downsy nun sketch.
341
00:13:52,630 --> 00:13:53,528
Oh, my God.
342
00:13:53,631 --> 00:13:56,862
Amy?
Are you crying?
343
00:13:56,968 --> 00:13:57,968
What's wrong, babe?
344
00:13:58,002 --> 00:14:00,835
This... This bag...
345
00:14:02,040 --> 00:14:03,632
Is this about Tig?
346
00:14:05,910 --> 00:14:06,808
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
347
00:14:06,911 --> 00:14:10,312
It's... It is totally
about Tig.
348
00:14:10,415 --> 00:14:12,144
I was up till like 5:00 a.m.
Last night
349
00:14:12,250 --> 00:14:14,582
just, like, reading to her
350
00:14:14,686 --> 00:14:19,714
from the Indigo Girls'
autobiography, and just...
351
00:14:19,824 --> 00:14:21,068
Did they write
that together or...
352
00:14:21,092 --> 00:14:23,390
So I just... With so much
on my plate right now,
353
00:14:23,494 --> 00:14:24,392
I just don't feel like
354
00:14:24,495 --> 00:14:26,156
I can deal with network notes,
you know?
355
00:14:26,264 --> 00:14:28,289
I know, I know.
And here's the thing...
356
00:14:28,399 --> 00:14:31,425
You're not going to because
here's what we're gonna do.
357
00:14:31,536 --> 00:14:33,347
I'm gonna go through
these notes with the network.
358
00:14:33,371 --> 00:14:36,101
Meanwhile, you go get
a pedicure... on me.
359
00:14:36,207 --> 00:14:37,551
- Don't even worry...
- Thanks, Jessi.
360
00:14:37,575 --> 00:14:38,974
Oh.
361
00:14:39,077 --> 00:14:41,671
I guess we're just each
other's heroes right now.
362
00:14:42,881 --> 00:14:44,109
Yeah.
363
00:14:54,025 --> 00:14:55,322
Hi.
364
00:14:55,426 --> 00:14:58,452
Do you have the
Indigo Girls' autobiography?
365
00:14:58,563 --> 00:14:59,689
[Typing]
366
00:14:59,797 --> 00:15:02,493
Looks like that is not a thing,
367
00:15:02,600 --> 00:15:05,194
and it never will be.
368
00:15:06,104 --> 00:15:09,699
Hey, is this the only
staff pick you have?
369
00:15:09,807 --> 00:15:10,705
Tig.
370
00:15:10,808 --> 00:15:12,435
- Oh.
- How are you?
371
00:15:12,543 --> 00:15:15,808
Oh, well, aside from
getting my tits ripped off...
372
00:15:15,914 --> 00:15:18,109
- You know, I mean...
- That's awful.
373
00:15:18,216 --> 00:15:21,708
Do you know that book
Amy's been reading to you from?
374
00:15:21,819 --> 00:15:24,219
A book Amy's been
reading to me from?
375
00:15:24,322 --> 00:15:26,313
I haven't seen Amy
in over a month.
376
00:15:26,424 --> 00:15:27,550
What?
377
00:15:27,659 --> 00:15:30,059
But then that's
when she said to me,
378
00:15:30,161 --> 00:15:31,560
"I may be the one with cancer,
379
00:15:31,663 --> 00:15:34,393
but you're definitely
the one going to heaven."
380
00:15:34,499 --> 00:15:36,330
- Aww!
- Aww!
381
00:15:36,434 --> 00:15:38,231
- Who's going to heaven?
- MAN: Hey, Tig!
382
00:15:38,336 --> 00:15:39,064
- Hey!
- Hey!
383
00:15:39,170 --> 00:15:40,398
WOMAN:
Tig, you look great!
384
00:15:40,505 --> 00:15:42,166
Hey, what are you doing here?
385
00:15:42,273 --> 00:15:45,037
Shouldn't you be in bed
or something?
386
00:15:45,143 --> 00:15:47,475
Look at you
in your sad little wig.
387
00:15:47,578 --> 00:15:49,205
It's actually my real hair, Amy.
388
00:15:49,314 --> 00:15:50,838
What are you doing here?
389
00:15:50,949 --> 00:15:52,746
I wanted to publicly thank you.
390
00:15:52,850 --> 00:15:54,010
Now that I'm all better,
391
00:15:54,118 --> 00:15:57,144
Amy has time to do anything
for anyone.
392
00:15:57,255 --> 00:15:59,348
Will you do all of our podcasts?
393
00:15:59,457 --> 00:16:00,651
She'd love to.
394
00:16:00,758 --> 00:16:03,420
And if anyone has a Web series,
395
00:16:03,528 --> 00:16:05,086
she'd love to do
all of those as well.
396
00:16:05,196 --> 00:16:06,196
- Yes!
- Yes!
397
00:16:06,264 --> 00:16:07,264
All right!
398
00:16:07,298 --> 00:16:08,890
I'm gonna be
out of town next week.
399
00:16:09,000 --> 00:16:09,898
Can you feed my cat?
400
00:16:10,001 --> 00:16:11,093
She'd be honored.
401
00:16:11,202 --> 00:16:13,864
My one-woman show got extended.
402
00:16:13,972 --> 00:16:18,033
The New York Times called it,
"A one-woman show in New York."
403
00:16:18,142 --> 00:16:20,838
Amy, you love shows in New York.
404
00:16:24,716 --> 00:16:27,150
I can't... I can't...
405
00:16:28,820 --> 00:16:30,014
wait!
406
00:16:30,121 --> 00:16:32,089
I can't wait.
407
00:16:32,190 --> 00:16:34,124
Oh, I want to see that show.
408
00:16:34,225 --> 00:16:36,591
I'm gonna go to my office.
Can I just have my daily cookie?
409
00:16:36,694 --> 00:16:39,026
- Yeah, there you go.
- Thank you.
410
00:16:39,130 --> 00:16:41,758
Oh, this is the perfect
temperature for a cookie.
411
00:16:41,866 --> 00:16:42,958
Thanks.
412
00:16:49,741 --> 00:16:51,470
How many of you have podcasts?
413
00:16:53,044 --> 00:16:54,875
We each have two.
414
00:17:01,652 --> 00:17:04,314
Does anybody at work ever, like,
ask you to donate to charity
415
00:17:04,422 --> 00:17:05,446
or do charity work?
416
00:17:05,556 --> 00:17:07,421
Yes. I donate clothes
and everything.
417
00:17:07,525 --> 00:17:08,549
Oh, yeah.
418
00:17:08,659 --> 00:17:10,752
I do charity work,
but I just consider
419
00:17:10,862 --> 00:17:12,420
sleeping with short guys mine.
420
00:17:12,530 --> 00:17:14,589
[Laughs]
421
00:17:24,108 --> 00:17:26,008
So, Sonya, you are a dominatrix.
422
00:17:26,110 --> 00:17:27,008
I am.
423
00:17:27,111 --> 00:17:29,636
How did you get into it?
How did you start being a dom?
424
00:17:29,747 --> 00:17:33,774
Well, I saw an ad one day where
it said, "Dominatrixes wanted."
425
00:17:33,885 --> 00:17:35,525
And I don't know,
but just a light went on
426
00:17:35,586 --> 00:17:37,918
and I was like,
"That sounds like fun!"
427
00:17:38,022 --> 00:17:39,250
What's your outfit you wear?
428
00:17:39,357 --> 00:17:40,756
I'll wear, like, a catsuit
429
00:17:40,858 --> 00:17:43,019
or I'll wear, like,
a latex minidress.
430
00:17:43,127 --> 00:17:45,527
Isn't that hard
to get on and off?
431
00:17:45,630 --> 00:17:48,360
No, because what you do
is you lube yourself first.
432
00:17:48,466 --> 00:17:49,660
- With what?
- With...
433
00:17:49,767 --> 00:17:51,029
Can I say the brand name?
434
00:17:51,135 --> 00:17:53,660
Yeah. They're probably
a sponsor for this show.
435
00:17:53,771 --> 00:17:55,671
[Laughs]
436
00:17:55,773 --> 00:17:57,365
Do you have a signature thing?
437
00:17:57,475 --> 00:17:59,500
Yeah, I like to do
golden showers.
438
00:17:59,610 --> 00:18:01,202
- You pee on them.
- I pee on them, yes.
439
00:18:01,312 --> 00:18:02,779
Okay. What if you don't
have to go?
440
00:18:02,880 --> 00:18:04,711
- I always have to go.
- Really?
441
00:18:04,816 --> 00:18:07,341
I mean, I drink lots of water,
so I'm always ready to, like...
442
00:18:07,452 --> 00:18:08,510
You're ready to go.
443
00:18:08,619 --> 00:18:09,619
What are you into now?
444
00:18:09,654 --> 00:18:12,020
I like to confuse
and "conflummox."
445
00:18:12,123 --> 00:18:13,163
Is that definitely a word?
446
00:18:13,224 --> 00:18:15,886
"Conflummox"?
Wendy Williams uses it.
447
00:18:15,993 --> 00:18:18,120
Oh, well, then no.
448
00:18:18,229 --> 00:18:19,229
[Laughter]
449
00:18:19,297 --> 00:18:22,858
What is the weirdest thing
a guy has ever said to you?
450
00:18:22,967 --> 00:18:24,332
There are guys who want to go...
451
00:18:24,435 --> 00:18:26,335
They're like, "Oh, I want you
to take me out
452
00:18:26,437 --> 00:18:29,133
and put a leash on my dick
and take me to the mall
453
00:18:29,240 --> 00:18:30,880
and then just run through
my credit card,"
454
00:18:30,942 --> 00:18:33,120
which, yeah, I'll run through
your credit card if you want...
455
00:18:33,144 --> 00:18:34,721
That sounds good.
That part of it sounds good.
456
00:18:34,745 --> 00:18:37,043
But I'm not gonna, like, lead
you around for the public.
457
00:18:37,148 --> 00:18:39,048
I've been to several malls
this year,
458
00:18:39,150 --> 00:18:41,516
and I've always been happy to
not see a guy being led around
459
00:18:41,619 --> 00:18:42,916
with a leash... by his dick.
460
00:18:43,020 --> 00:18:45,386
And they always think somebody
wants to see their dick.
461
00:18:45,490 --> 00:18:46,514
Yeah, why do guys think
462
00:18:46,624 --> 00:18:47,835
everybody wants to see
their dick?
463
00:18:47,859 --> 00:18:48,917
I have no clue.
464
00:18:49,026 --> 00:18:52,189
What's just, like, the weirdest
request you've ever had?
465
00:18:52,296 --> 00:18:55,163
I had a guy who asked me
to castrate him.
466
00:18:55,266 --> 00:18:58,599
He wanted me to hang him
by his sissy white neck
467
00:18:58,703 --> 00:19:00,398
and cut his balls off.
468
00:19:00,505 --> 00:19:03,338
- Actually cut off his balls?
- Mm-hmm.
469
00:19:03,441 --> 00:19:05,932
How did it make you feel
when he asked you to do that?
470
00:19:06,043 --> 00:19:06,941
I reasoned with him.
471
00:19:07,044 --> 00:19:08,755
I'm like, "Why would you
want me to do that?
472
00:19:08,779 --> 00:19:11,009
So, now, if you have
this fantasy,
473
00:19:11,115 --> 00:19:13,049
and I cut them off
and you have the urge again,
474
00:19:13,151 --> 00:19:14,379
what are you gonna do then?
475
00:19:14,485 --> 00:19:15,782
Because you've got
no balls now."
476
00:19:15,887 --> 00:19:18,583
Yeah, like it'll just have
to be this one great time.
477
00:19:18,689 --> 00:19:20,384
It's like that Daffy Duck
where he does
478
00:19:20,491 --> 00:19:22,789
that big production
and then he blows up.
479
00:19:22,894 --> 00:19:24,862
It's not exactly like that,
but there...
480
00:19:24,962 --> 00:19:26,362
- I do see the similarities.
- Yeah.
481
00:19:26,397 --> 00:19:27,955
Your family knows that you...
482
00:19:28,065 --> 00:19:30,033
Everybody knows.
Except my dad.
483
00:19:30,134 --> 00:19:32,534
Hi, Dad.
I'm a dominatrix.
484
00:19:32,637 --> 00:19:34,229
My dad thinks I'm a clown.
485
00:19:34,338 --> 00:19:36,898
[Laughing]
486
00:19:37,008 --> 00:19:39,219
What's something that your
clients have introduced you to
487
00:19:39,243 --> 00:19:40,787
that you've incorporated
into your own life?
488
00:19:40,811 --> 00:19:42,642
Oh, a vibrator.
Hands down.
489
00:19:42,747 --> 00:19:43,907
- Really?
- Oh, yes.
490
00:19:44,015 --> 00:19:45,107
What kind of vibrator?
491
00:19:45,216 --> 00:19:46,740
It's a Hitachi.
It's that...
492
00:19:46,851 --> 00:19:49,149
Wait, hold on.
Does... Can I have a pen?
493
00:19:49,253 --> 00:19:50,253
[Laughs]
494
00:19:50,354 --> 00:19:52,049
Nobody's afraid of an orgasm
on this set.
495
00:19:52,156 --> 00:19:53,885
That's right.
496
00:19:53,991 --> 00:19:56,118
What's the most
a client ever gave?
497
00:19:56,227 --> 00:19:58,787
Oh, you're trying to get me
in trouble with the IRS.
498
00:19:58,896 --> 00:20:00,591
Oh, no, I really don't think
499
00:20:00,698 --> 00:20:02,222
that they're gonna watch
this show.
500
00:20:02,333 --> 00:20:03,595
- You'd be surprised.
- Really?
501
00:20:03,701 --> 00:20:05,430
The most expensive thing
a client
502
00:20:05,536 --> 00:20:07,231
has ever gotten me is a house.
503
00:20:08,606 --> 00:20:11,404
I will shit on anyone
in this room right now
504
00:20:11,509 --> 00:20:13,067
for just a ranch in Florida.
505
00:20:13,177 --> 00:20:15,168
[Laughing]
506
00:20:18,216 --> 00:20:19,843
Oh, man, this is
kind of disappointing.
507
00:20:19,951 --> 00:20:22,078
This question is, "How many
fingers am I holding up?"
508
00:20:22,186 --> 00:20:23,946
But I just, like, read,
"How many fingers..."
509
00:20:23,988 --> 00:20:26,081
and I was like, "I've got this.
I've got this."
510
00:20:26,190 --> 00:20:28,454
[Laughter]
511
00:20:28,559 --> 00:20:31,460
And I really did not mean
to sound preachy about anal.
512
00:20:31,562 --> 00:20:33,621
Like, I've just never...
a penis.
513
00:20:33,731 --> 00:20:35,596
Have I had fingers up there?
Yes.
514
00:20:35,700 --> 00:20:37,668
I've been worn like a glove.
Trust me.
515
00:20:37,768 --> 00:20:38,768
[Laughter]
516
00:20:41,772 --> 00:20:43,296
Everybody fuck me.
517
00:20:43,407 --> 00:20:44,499
Guys, can you hear me?
518
00:20:44,609 --> 00:20:46,668
I'm saying
everybody come fuck me.
519
00:20:46,777 --> 00:20:47,675
You guys?
520
00:20:47,778 --> 00:20:48,802
What about... No?
521
00:20:48,913 --> 00:20:50,278
I can't see everybody
in the back.
522
00:20:50,381 --> 00:20:52,042
Are they willing
to come fuck me?
523
00:20:52,149 --> 00:20:53,946
Is anybody still willing
to fuck me?
524
00:20:54,051 --> 00:20:55,211
Okay?
525
00:20:55,319 --> 00:20:57,119
Will you guys just watch
and I'll fuck myself?
526
00:20:57,154 --> 00:20:58,178
[Man speaks indistinctly]
527
00:20:58,289 --> 00:21:01,224
[Laughter]
528
00:21:06,931 --> 00:21:07,829
We know.
529
00:21:07,932 --> 00:21:10,298
Okay?
Nothing we can do about it.
530
00:21:10,401 --> 00:21:12,335
And this is a party,
531
00:21:12,436 --> 00:21:15,530
and it's not about
your financial situation.
532
00:21:15,640 --> 00:21:17,631
And I love you dearly,
but I got to say that.
533
00:21:17,742 --> 00:21:19,801
And it's not my fucking problem.
534
00:21:19,910 --> 00:21:21,844
- [Laughing] Sorry.
- [Laughter]
38436
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