Original subtitles

Oh, Joe, I'm so mixed up about everything.

Folks trying to stop us.

They've always tried to run my life.

Like when I wanted to go to a dance...

What's up?

That guy Bobby just texted me.

The one who wouldn't hook up with you

'cause he said you look like his mom?

No, no, no, no.

No, Bobby is the guy... I hooked up with him...

Well, we didn't really hook up 'cause I couldn't get him hard.

I thought his name was Graham.

No, that happened with him, too, but, no, no, no.

Bobby's the one I, like, really, really, really like.

- What should I do? - Just be yourself.

All right, love you.

Hello?

God, this is a good-looking crowd.

Wow, good job, you guys.

Oh, my God, don't clap for how hot you are.

Look at those chicks.

They're like, "We fucking brought it."

Uh... You did, though.

You know what I realized, though?

Like, we don't need to be trying so hard.

Like, look at you.

You obviously showered. You look gorgeous.

We don't need to do that. Guys are fucking gross.

If you saw a lineup

of, like, the grossest chick that a guy would fuck,

you would be blown away.

You probably stepped over her to get in this place tonight.

A lot of people have been telling me

I look like Jennifer Lawrence.

I don't see that.

Well, I know I'm taller than her.

Like, I'm not crazy.

Jim, what's your problem?

I just don't understand why you guys would take me here.

Because you love hot wings.

What are you talking about right now?

I do. They're fine.

It's just a guy doesn't want to come to O'Nutters

right after a breakup.

Why? 'Cause there are a couple of good-looking waiters here?

Hey, ladies. How we doing?

- Hey! - Hey. Great.

All right. Hey, uh, excuse me...

My nuts are down here.

Hey, I'm Amber. Welcome to O'Nutters.

- Thanks. - Thank you.

So who's been here before?

All right, so can I start anybody off

with a little pinot greege?

- I'll have one. - Yeah, me too.

- Can I have a beer? - Uh, sorry, broham, no beer.

But we do have Skinny Girl white zin spritzers.

And if you'd like, I can 86 the parasol,

throw in a lemon chunk for you.

I'll just have a pinot.

All right, three pinots for my three "pinoteers."

Hey, um...

Normally, I wouldn't risk getting in trouble,

but you guys seem super cool.

If I were you, I'd go for the pitcher,

save you a few bucks.

- All right. - Great tip. Thank you.

Let's do it.

You got it. No problem.

I'm being serious right now.

You guys are models, right?

- What? Shut up. - Oh, my God!

We all work at Payless.

Oh, my God. That's my favorite shoe store.

Get out.

But you guys should quit and become models.

I'll be right back with those pinots, guys.

- Thank you. - You got it.

Oh, my God!

That was so cool how he told us about the pitcher deal.

He did not have to do that.

You should get his number

and have him go out with us when he gets off work.

Oh, my God. Wake up.

He's just trying to get a bigger tip.

Jim, okay, I know that you're still bummed about Karen,

but please don't just dump your negativity on us.

At work it's one thing, you know?

All the shoes are around, the people.

But here, on our time, please get it together.

We have one hour for lunch.

We're here to have a great time, okay?

Listen, I don't mean to eavesdrop on you, broseph,

but you don't want to end up like Rupert over there.

Yeah, after his wife left him,

he went into a real deep depression.

Got pretty bad.

- He forgot how to live. - So sad.

Don't let that happen to you, man, okay?

- Thank you. - Yeah.

Hey, give me some nuts.

What?

Give him some nuts, Jim.

Go on, Jim.

There you go.

Little of this. Then a little of that.

Then you return the favor.

Touch 'em. Yeah, see?

- There you go, huh? Fun? - So cute. Yeah.

It feels good, Jim. It's fun, right?

- What did I just do? - It's good.

Go with it, Jim. Don't ruin this.

You know what, guys?

I think I have got just the cure for Señor Sad Sack over here.

The check?

Wet-nut contest!

♪ This isn't love ♪

♪ This is only karaoke ♪

♪ Rose petals on the floor soaked in sake ♪

♪ This isn't love ♪

♪ This is only karaoke ♪

♪ Rose petals on the floor soaked in sake ♪

♪ Let's blur the lines between right and wrong ♪

♪ When we hit this song ♪

♪ Let's blur the lines between right and wrong ♪

♪ When we hit this song ♪

♪ This isn't love ♪

♪ This is only karaoke ♪

♪ I'm not in love ♪

Jim, get up!

Get up!

♪ Let's blur the lines between right and wrong ♪

♪ When we hit this song ♪

♪ This isn't love ♪

♪ This is only karaoke ♪

Ye-e-e-ah!

♪ ... soaked in sake ♪

♪ Let's blur the lines between right and wrong ♪

Ye-e-e-ah!

Ye-e-e-ah!

Everybody wants their soul mate now.

You've got to have your soul mate.

Even my mom's still looking for her soul mate.

She's 64.

Her new boyfriend's 70.

I had to meet her 70-year-old boyfriend and make small talk.

This is what it sounded like.

"So, Michael, what wars were you in? Um..."

She's like, "Talk to him."

I'm like, "Can he hear me?"

He's not like young, spry, like, 70.

He's like "Schindler's List-y," like...

I'm half Jewish. I can half say that.

He really is.

They're, like, new. They're in love.

They're like... We're at a restaurant,

and she's, like, feeding him.

But it just looks like he needs that.

It's just like...

They're coming over 'cause they're concerned.

Ugh. She thinks they're so cute.

She thinks it's so adorable to be like,

"We're going steady. We're going steady."

I'm like, look at him walking to the bathroom.

Like, no one's going steady. He's like, "Aaah."

All of our friends had left us and we were both stuck there.

I mean, Napa Valley of all places.

But that's basically how Carlos and I met.

I am very happy to meet you.

Also I'm finished.

Oh, my God, Grandma, no! Carlos is not a busboy.

He's my boyfriend!

- I'm so sorry. - Amy, it's okay.

She grew up during a different time.

Tell him to start mowing the lawn by the pool

so it'll be quiet for my nap.

Look familiar?

Are you tired of your elderly relatives

thinking their blatant racism Is okay?

I don't know how to help my grandma!

There Is an answer.

Generations.

A revolutionary new facility

where we give your elderly loved ones

the politically correct social skills

to get along In the modern world.

This person is what?

- Drug mule. - A gardener?

No. Latino.

In our state-of-the-art facilities,

we use an obstacle course

to teach them fear-hiding techniques.

No!

We'll show them hard evidence defying stereotypes.

Okay, everybody, now watch very closely.

Somebody help him!

I'm perfectly fine!

Thank you for your concern.

He's so articulate.

That's not a compliment.

In our two-week Asian Intensive,

your loved one will first learn what words are "never-says."

Chinaman.

That's a never-say.

- Orient... - Never-say.

Here at Generations, through repetition, patience...

so much patience...

hand-holding, gentle cajoling, and coupon reinforcement,

we prove that you can teach an old dog new tricks.

Here's my new class now.

Bitch, I'm trying to help you.

I live in Chelsea.

You know that neighborhood in New York?

It's all gay guys. It's so painful.

I'm just, like, living in a sea of gorgeous gay men

that want nothing to do with me.

But they'll still chime in on my outfit.

Like, they'll be like, "Gross." I'm like, "What?!"

The other day, I really heard one of them be like, "HPV."

I was like, "Um...

Are you a psychic?

Some kind of a gay psychic?"

♪ Somebody's really pretty today ♪

♪ Somebody's really pretty today ♪

Ugh.

God.

Ooh! Ooh.

- Jess? - What's wrong?

Okay, Bobby just texted me.

He wants me to send him, like, a sexy picture.

- Oh, my God. Did you? - No, no.

I've been trying, and they're just, like, really bad.

Should I just send him that one where...

Remember I met Hillary Clinton at LaGuardia?

Should I send him that one?

You could like basically see my nipple.

They made me take it off Facebook,

so it's definitely not not sexual.

You're taking them yourself?

Yeah. Wait, what?

- Honey, let me call my guy. - Your guy?

Oh! That's Bobby again.

Okay, I'm calling Danny P. Right now.

Danny P?

- Hi, come on in. - Hi, thank you.

Cute place. Do you teach art to cats?

- Can I offer you something? - Offer me what?

Half a coconut water and the dirt from your Brita?

I think I'm actually good, lonelybones.

I'm kind of in a rush.

What do you got already? Let's see.

Ooh. Why the cactus?

T-That's not a... That's not a cactus.

Okay, we need the bush team on standby.

It looks like she's got a Hasidic rabbi

living in her underpants.

- No offense. - Okay.

We're just gonna clean you up. It'll take a second.

20 minutes.

Don't worry.

You're in good hands, okay? I've done everyone's.

I'm talking Blake Lively, Scarlett Jo,

George Lopez.

It was actually my idea to make Brett Favre's dick,

like, bright yellow.

- No! That was you? - That was me.

Let's get to it.

Did you wear that yesterday?

Yes!

Very good, but don't forget your duck mouth.

Don't forget that duck mouth.

Now you're in a boat.

You're in a boat because you're Pocahontas

and it's the New World!

Maybe less feathers.

Smile like you don't have Spanx on.

Yeah!

Lay back and look really alluring.

Well, actually, don't look dead.

You're pregnant! You're pregnant with gift cards!

Yeah!

Oh! Are you gonna shit your pants?

Oh, my God. Are you gonna shit your pants?

You're so comfy.

Too comfy. Too comfy.

Look, if you don't watch your fucking shadow,

I will remove it.

Here we go.

Yes!

You've got a secret, and only the pillow can know.

Wash yourself.

Wash your whole body and your armpits and under your boobs.

Amy! Oh, no! There's a spider in your hair!

There's a spider in your hair!

- No! - There's a spider in your hair!

Get it out! Yes!

We have our shot, that's a wrap.

You were amazing.

Yoko!

Unplug everything, we're gonna burn this rat's nest down.

You were so great.

I'd love to stay and chat, but I've got to run downtown.

I have to shoot Diane Keaton

bottomless with a turtleneck like an hour ago.

I'm sure you understand.

Oh, my God. I just don't know how to thank you.

Just get fucked.

Bonsoir.

Anybody ever ask you to send them sexy pictures?

I might be a victim.

Oh, shit. I'm definitely...

Whoever I send sexy pictures to, they're the victim.

What do they ask for?

We're trying to, like, get a general consensus

of, like, what kind of sexy pics guys ask for.

Um...

I guess ass and titties? I don't know.

Ass and titties. Ass, ass, and titties.

Has a guy ever asked you to send him a sexy pic?

Yes.

- Yeah. - Did you?

It takes like a hundred shots to get the right one.

You should just do what I do.

Only do it without your head in them.

- Yes, yes. - Right?

- What are you? - Pisces.

- No, I mean, what race? - Turkish.

Did you ever send a picture of your penis to anybody?

No.

That is such a yes! Oh, my gosh.

I caved in. It was too much peer pressure.

I had to do it.

Why, she was like, "Send me a picture

of your Turkish delight?"

Pretty much.

I've never sent a sexy picture of myself.

You've never sent somebody a picture

of your boobs or anything?

- No. God, no. Never. - What about your butthole?

You know, I don't think I've ever even seen my butthole.

You've never seen your butthole?

No.

Can I just tell you something? Don't look.

Have you ever... You and your boyfriend

ever send sext messages to each other?

Yes.

Has he ever sent you a picture of his dick?

- Yes. - Do you like it?

Uhh.

- Kristin, you are a stripper. - Yes.

And how long have you been doing that?

About two and a half years.

What was the first time you stripped like?

I went on stage

and I was, like, clinging to the pole,

awkwardly dancing.

Just awkward.

Well, how did you know...

Like, if I were to try to pole-dance,

I would not know the first thing to do.

It would probably look like I was vacuuming.

I personally always clean the pole down

before I go onstage.

Why don't they have somebody do that?

I don't know. They should.

It takes a little bit of the mystique out of it

to see a girl, like...

Right?

- Wiping the pole. - Like, cleaning it.

- Like it's an elliptical. - Right.

So how much do you feel like you have to manipulate guys?

Like, how much is that a part of it?

It's a huge part of it, actually.

Like, they want someone to give them attention and like them.

The best stripper who makes the most money,

how many guys do you think are out there in the world

in love with her?

Probably quite a few.

I would say pushing between 40 and 50.

Wow.

And how many did you have at the most?

Almost 20.

Like 20 guys that

probably almost thought you were like their girlfriend.

Yeah.

Like, they would bring you gifts and jewelry and flowers.

And one guy started crying in the champagne room

'cause he wanted me to, like, meet his mom.

I'm like, "No. No. That's where we draw the line."

- Yeah. - Yeah.

Um, does your boyfriend have a pencil beard?

No.

Does he wear a lot of, like,

collared shirts with a lot of stripes?

Yes. Yes.

What's the oldest guy you ever gave a lap dance to?

Um, I think he was like 97.

His sons brought him in for his birthday,

and they had to, like, wheel him in.

Yeah.

You gave a lap dance in the wheelchair?

It was so awkward. Yes.

Well, I didn't even want to do it,

but my manager was just like, "Follow me."

And I'm like "I know where is this going."

- To the wheelchair. - Yes, exactly.

He had a catheter attached to him.

Walk me through that.

So there's like a squishy little bag,

and I'm like, "Oh, my God. Is that really?"

And I'm sort of examining, I'm like, "Oh, no.

Yes, it is."

It was disgusting.

When people find out that you strip,

what's the first thing that they assume?

Um, they associate it with, like, prostitution

or, like, you're a whore or whatever,

but that's not the case.

You know what?

I really would bet anything

that I'm a bigger whore than you.

I would... I could give you a real run for your money.

Are you ever just, like, dancing for fun

and you feel like it's not fair

and people should be paying you?

Yeah, I was with a girl that I don't like

and we actually got stuck in an elevator.

The fire department had to come and get us out.

We had to, like, crawl, 'cause it was, like, unlevel,

and we had to, like, boost each other up.

Wow.

We're like fighting the whole time back and forth.

I'm just like, "Get the fuck away from me."

Like, yeah.

Yeah, I guess I don't see

how that relates to what I just asked you.

- Yeah, no. - Okay.

I just felt the need to share that story with everyone.

Well, no, I mean, that sounds like a tough night.

What's the most you've ever made in a shift?

I think it was like $2,800.

- Wow. - Yeah.

What's the least you ever made in a shift?

The least was about three.

- Three what? - Hundred.

You don't want to go and, like, take your clothes off

for like $300, so...

I have done it for free so many times.

I'm like, that sounds awesome.

I have had people pay me to put my clothes back on.

How do you commit to one person, though?

How do you say yes to one person?

Like, for me, as I get older, the sex that I'm into changes.

It does.

Like, I used to sleep with mostly Hispanic guys,

but now I just prefer consensual.

We've all been a little raped, okay?

Just a skosh. Just a hair.

Every girl I know has one night, usually in college,

and she's like, "Huh..."

"I think that was rape."

"Not totes consensh.

I, uh, don't remember yelling 'yes."'

And it's not all black and white.

There's a gray area of rape.

Like, you've been "graped." I can tell.

Grape happens. What do you want me to say?

All right, three pinots.

I guess that makes me the umpire.

One, two, three pinots, and I'm out.

All right, I guess that makes me Gepetto

and my three "Pinot-cchios"!

If I were you, I'd go with a pitcher.

I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.

All right, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Thanks, girl.

All my old pills that I spit are in there.