Original subtitles

(light music)

- Well, what do you think, Uncle Martin?

Hmm? Suave, debonair?

Sort of gives me that Charlie-success look, don't you think?

- Mhm, and at these prices,

you can easily wind up as Billy Bankruptcy.

- That is the way it is with Martians, too practical.

- Perhaps, but we Martians still believe necessity

to be the mother of invention.

Not the father of overextended charge accounts.

Now, shall we go?

- Hey, Uncle Martin,

now here is a necessity that I'm out of.

Aftershave lotion. Let's see Male Call, Smooth Sailing.

Hey look at this, Homme Fatale.

Well that sounds sort of

(purrs)

(audience laughs)

How's that?

Homme Fatale, the men's cologne that the women just love.

Well I wonder, it smells like money.

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin?

(dramatic music)

Uncle Martin what's the matter?

- (Martin) I'm afraid some of the chemical ingredients

in your Homme Fatale could also be fatal

to a Martian as well.

It's frozen my central control system, paralyzing me.

- How can I hear you but your mouth's not moving?

- (Martin) I've also got my shoes on

but I'm not walking either.

Now, get me out of here and home

so I can arrest this situation before it becomes permanent.

- Oh, brother.

(lively music)

- How come you're so light?

- (Martin) The process dehyrdrates and evaporates

all the water from the body.

- Oh.

- Sir?

Which way do you think you're going with that store dummy?

(audience laughs)

(slowing music)

(light music)

(beeping)

(My Favorite Martian theme song)

(energetic music)

- Look, fella, I was not trying to purloin anything.

As a matter of fact, he's not a dummy, not by a long shot.

No, he happens to be a mannequin.

- Mannequin shmanikan, this dummy is store property.

- Well I'm a customer, and I was interested in this suit,

and I wanted to see it in the light.

- We would've been most happy

to remove a similar suit from the rack to show you.

- But I wanted to see it on somebody!

- Please put down the dummy.

Well the suit it's displaying

has to be discontinued number anyway.

It's no longer in our stock.

Howard, over here!

Undress this dummy and replace the discontinued number

it's wearing with 235 the tweed, or 397 the black molay.

- Yes, sir, right away.

- Hold it, hold it. You can't do that.

- Can't do what?

- Undress him.

Out here in public with all these people walking around.

- Sir, need I remind you that this only a ...

- Please! Even a dummy has his modesty to think about.

(audience laughs)

- Are you sure you're feeling alright?

Remove the garment, Howard.

- Howard, don't touch that suit!

I want to buy it, and I don't want anybody putting

their cotton-picking hands on it.

Now, how much is it?

- Well, it used to be 87.50, I try to remember all the ...

- 87.50, and how much is the dummy?

- The dummy is not for sale.

I've already told you, the dummy is store property.

- Alright, and now the suit is my property.

And if you try to remove your property from my property,

well that is my property,

I will have you arrested for trespassing with my property.

That is the law.

(audience laughs)

- It's most irregular.

I shall have to consult my superior.

Howard, you go stand by the front door,

keep your eye out for that dummy and Mister ...

O'Hara, until I return.

- What am I gonna do, I can't get ya outta here.

- (Martin) So I've observed.

The only alternative is for you to get

my molecular revitalizing ray gun,

so I can defrost my central control system

and bring it back here.

You'll find it in the glove compartment of my spaceship.

Now, hurry!

- Wait a minute, what if that manager comes back?

And decides to remove you or remove that suit

while I'm gone?

- (Martin) I think we can handle that situation.

Face me towards the elevator he's about to go up in.

(dramatic music)

There should be a little power left in my fingertip

before my controls went off, here it goes.

(whooing noise)

There, getting him stuck between floors

should give you ample time.

Now, get moving or I never will!

(energetic music)

- I'm sorry but this suit is already sold.

(audience laughs)

(upbeat music)

Alright Uncle Martin.

I got it.

- And none too soon.

The store engineer's finally released the elevator.

Alright, Tim, point the ray gun at me

then move approximately four feet away and pull the trigger.

- You're sure you want me to?

- Tim, don't argue, hm?

Just move back and fire.

(dramatic music)

- Why don't you look where you're?

- Well, Tim, what are you doing here?

- Obviously he's holding up the store, Lorelei.

Better put your hands up, partner, he looks dangerous.

- Oh, Bill, don't be silly.

What are you doing with that gun in your hand?

(stutters)

- Toy! I bought it for one of my nephews.

- Come off it, O'Hara, admit the truth.

- Truth?

- You can't fool a trained deductive mind.

If you had bought that gun for your nephew,

it would be gift wrapped.

He obviously bought it for himself.

- Keep talking, Brennan,

because when you stop it sounds great.

- Oh, boys, now I wish you wouldn't argue, this is no place!

- Lorelei's right.

Now why don't you take your toy

and go out and play on the free way?

While we grownups continue with our shopping.

- Shopping! Oh you gonna shop here?

No, no, you don't shop here.

Listen, it's terrible here.

Why don't you go over to Lacie's, they have a great bargain.

- Do you mind? I happen to like this store.

In fact, I buy all my clothes here.

- Oh you do? No wonder that suit doesn't fit.

Now look, you see, see how it pinches?

- O'Hara ...

- Well it certainly does look pinched to me, dear.

- He's the one who's going to get himself pinched

if he doesn't let go of me.

(audience laughs)

- Honestly, I don't know why it is every time

you and Bill and Martin get together ...

By the way, where is your uncle?

- Oh, he's around, somewhere.

- Where?

- Oh, I'd say over in the toy department.

- Toy department? That's not the toy department.

- In space toys.

- Oh, the space toys.

- Yeah, try Notions, Notions looks good.

- Notions? Now where would that be.

What would he be doing in Notions?

- I dunno, I just have a notion he might be there.

I guess he just got stuck someplace.

- Oh well, that's a shame.

With you here, I thought surely I'd run into him too.

Ooh!

Oh, what a lovely fabric.

Oh, Bill, come over here and look at this fabric!

Oh, this is very attractive,

although I don't particularly care for the hat.

- If you don't like the hat, Mrs. Brown,

then you're not gonna like the suit,

because you see, this hat comes with the suit.

- It does?

- Yes, yes. You've heard of a suit having two pair of pants?

This suit has a hat.

- Oh, well maybe we can exchange the hat

for another pair of pants.

(audience laughs)

Oh, then again, that'd be silly.

After all, how could Bill possibly wear two pair of pants?

- What did you see, Lorelei?

- Oh, never mind Bill, it's not for you.

Even if you could've exchanged the hat,

you certainly don't have four legs.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. O'Hara!

Mr. O'Hara!

Mr. O'Hara.

My supervisor was in absolute accord with me.

The dummy is not ...

(dramatic music)

The dummy is not for sale.

Either you remove the suit or take back your check.

- You mean he wanted to buy the dummy?

Oh, oh, oh, O'Hara, I'm ashamed of you.

I mean, I could understand a growing boy

playing with toy guns, but with dolls.

(audience laughs)

- Well, Mr. O'Hara, do you want the suit or do you not?

- Well, I don't think you outta buy it.

You won't look good in a Homburg.

- A Homburg?

- The hat that goes with the suit

instead of the other pair of pants.

(audience laughs)

- Madam, I haven't the slightest idea

what you're talking about.

This hat belongs ...

- To my uncle! I'm giving it to him as a gift.

Yes, yes, yes, I'm giving him the hat and the suit,

and you leave it on the dummy until I wanna leave with it.

Alright, now take the check.

And why don't you go over and wait on that nice man?

(audience laughs)

- Strange, I just know I've met that dummy somewhere before.

(audience laughs)

- Oh well, I'll go and sit over there

and wait for you boys to finish with your shopping.

- Uncle Martin, what am I gonna do?

I can't get clear enough to get a shot at you.

- (Martin) You better find some way,

I can feel my control system tightening up.

Another thirty minutes or so,

and they'll be frozen so solid,

even the molecular revitalizer won't help me.

- Hey, Uncle Martin, look.

I think we're running into a little luck.

- (Martin) It's about time, we've run into everyone else.

(audience laughs)

- I didn't do nothing.

- Well of course you didn't, didn't, didn't.

But would you like to do something?

- Like what?

- Well, like, hm.

Well shooting that dummy over there.

- Okay.

- You see, he's Jesse James, the famous outlaw.

- Aw, he ain't Jesse James.

- Well you could pretend he's Jesse James, couldn't ya?

(audience laughs)

- But I can believe he's a Martian!

I hate Martians, they're all green inside!

(audience laughs)

- Okay, well then he's a Martian, okay.

Alright, now let's go get him.

(crescendo music)

- Alright, now take a bead on him.

And remember, he is a Martian who is ...

- All green inside.

- No, no no, he's not a Martian.

I know now where I've seen him before.

Tim, he looks exactly like your ...

- Alfred, how many times have I told you

not to wander away when I'm shopping?

Come on, Alfred.

- Look, Mrs. Brown.

(dramatic music)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, Mrs. Brown, that little boy.

She, she, that ray gun.

- Tim, in the name of Neptune, get a hold of yourself.

This is no time to panic.

- I happen to think it's a perfect time to panic.

You're frozen stiff, she's frozen stiff,

and that little boy is out there with that ray gun

and she ...

Can she hear us?

- No, she's frozen in the state of suspended animation.

- Well, that's just great.

I thought that ray gun was supposed to de-freeze people!

- Yes, but the molecular revitalizer ray

works in reverse on humans.

It's my own fault, I should've warned you.

However, we do have sixty minutes to undo the harm

that could befall Lorelei, and ten minutes for me.

- Sixty minutes, and ten minutes.

- Correction, 58 and eight.

You've already wasted two minutes here

falling apart at the seams.

Now get the revitalizer back and quickly.

That child could make this place look

like a wax museum in no time at all.

(audience laughs)

(buzzing)

- I've got you covered.

- In two seconds, I'm gonna have you covered

with the back of my hand if you don't stand still

and let me see if this shirt fits.

- Pardon me, but I believe your son has my gun.

- Has your what?

- My gun.

- He gave it to me, to shoot Martians with!

- Yes, yes, Martians, not Earthmen.

You see this is a demonstration model,

and we'll be selling it soon, and I'll have to have it back.

(audience laughs)

- Indian giver, Indian giver!

- Give the man back his gun, right now, this minute.

- Here, but from now on, I'm on the Martians' side,

even if they are all green inside.

(audience laughs)

- You almost saw an Earthman, all green outside.

(audience laughs)

- Mr. Kelsey, I don't know how this female dummy

got in the men's department.

- Well it's a cinch she didn't walk in here by herself.

Well don't just stand there, Howard!

Pick her up and take her back to women's wear.

Dummies.

(audience laughs)

- Okay, one the gun and I,

where's Mrs. Brown?

- She's in women's wear.

- Shopping?

- Displaying.

I'm afraid she too has been mistaken for a mannequin.

- Oh that's just great, now what are we gonna do?

- May I suggest we first release

one Martian for active service?

- What? Oh, oh, yeah okay.

(dramatic music)

(buzzing)

- Martin.

- Let's go, Tim, we haven't a moment to lose.

Not to mention a very dear landlady.

Tim, leave the correct amount for this aftershave cologne.

- No, no don't bother to wrap it here,

just keep the change, will ya?

You pick the strangest times to go shopping.

Homme Fatale, isn't that the stuff

that knocked you out in the first place?

- And in the second place,

the antidote needed to restore Lorelei.

Now can we head for the last place,

where Lorelei is, without further questions.

- Lorelei.

Lorelai?

Pardon me, young man, but have you seen

an attractive young woman, about five feet six,

blonde, blue eyes, wearing a two-piece, royal blue dress?

Wearing white gloves, carrying a black purse?

Well, have you?

- That sounds like the dummy I took over to women's wear.

- Dummy? Young man, I will thank you

to choose your words more carefully.

You happen to be speaking of someone

who is very near and dear to me.

Dummy.

- There she is.

Now, try to look nonchalant as you get close to her,

and give her a whiff of this Homme Fatale.

- Me?

- Well obviously I can't, because if I inhale some of it,

I might freeze my controls again.

- Uh oh, look!

- Lorelei? Lorelei?

- Oh, we need to run like Ford and these other hurricane.

- (Brennan) Lorelei.

- Now grab a hold of Lorelei,

and get her to some inconspicuous place.

I'll take care of Brennan

with a little delusionary illusion.

(dramatic music)

- (Brennan) Lorelei?

(music drops)

(audience laughs)

- For goodness sake, Lorelei why didn't you tell me?

- (Brennan) Beg your pardon.

(audience laughs)

You look just like someone I thought was ...

(bing)

There she is.

Lorelei, my dear.

- I am not your Lorelei,

and kindly remove your hand, you masher!

- Masher?

- Now, to put her back as she was.

(glass clanking)

- Don't go away, Mrs. Brown.

- May I help you?

- Yes, yes, I need some cologne.

- You do?

- Yes.

- Look, I know it's none of my business,

but what do you do, bathe in it?

- Look, look, look, sweetheart, I'm in somewhat of a hurry.

So can I just have one bottle of Homme Fatale,

and then some night you and I'll have dinner together

and I'll answer all of your questions,

and I have a few I'd like to ask too.

Now how about a bottle of Homme Fatale, huh?

- With pleasure, only we're fresh out of it.

- Oh, swell. What?

- Look, don't crack up about it.

You've still got enough on you to last you a month.

Even in a strong wind.

- Very funny, now would you just do me one favor?

Would you check the stock room?

Maybe they have some down there.

- Uh uh, not a drop,

lady just bought the last bottle of Homme Fatale

we had in the store.

- Lady? What lady, what'd she look like?

- Mister, I only keep a record of the sale,

not the customer.

She was a lady, with a little kid.

- A lady? With a little kid?

Does this lady happen to have

a black hat, blonde hair, blue top, green bottom?

- Yeah, that kinda sounds like her.

- Thanks.

- You should be ashamed of yourself

for accosting a woman in a public store!

Why, it's getting so women aren't safe anywhere any more.

If there were a policemen around, I ...

- Look, my dear lady ...

- I am not your dear lady!

And don't you dare get familiar with me,

you, you, you department store Romeo.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin.

- Oh Tim, it's too bad you finished so quickly,

because I was beginning to enjoy this.

- Yeah, well, I'm finished alright,

and so are you, and so is Mrs. Brown, and so is ...

- What happened?

- Well, I broke the bottle before I could give her a whiff.

And there's not another bottle of that cologne

in this entire store!

I've been searching all over for the lady who took ...

There she is!

Martin, you've gotta get that bottle.

- Tim, I can't levitate it away from her

in the middle of a department store.

- Oh come on, this is no time to play it safe.

Look, we got exactly seven minutes

before Mrs. Brown turns into a permanent dummy.

- I suppose you're right.

Well, let's see which package she has it in.

(Martian music)

(audience laughs)

(dramatic music)

- Help! Somebody, help!

I've been robbed!

Help! Help!

One of my packages is missing,

and it looks just like one that man over there is opening.

(audience laughs)

At least he was there a second ago, with that other man.

- He went that a-way, mom!

- We'll see about this.

- You sit down right over there!

- I hid her behind this drape.

- Alright, let's hope she's still there

and that we can revive her in time.

Now, you want out here and hold off Brennan

while I tend to Lorelei.

- Now, wait a minute, I thought you said you couldn't

expose yourself to the direct fumes from this cologne.

- Well, that's a chance I'll have to take.

I'll hold my nose and hope that

none of the fumes seep through.

(audience laughs)

- Oh no, he sure picked a fine place to hide her.

(audience laughs)

- He was one of them,

he was with the other man who had my package.

- O'Hara, I should've known you'd be mixed up in this.

- Well, I haven't the slightest idea

of what you're talking about.

- Oh you don't, don't you?

Don't think you can make a fool out of me O'Hara,

it's too late for that.

- I couldn't agree with you more.

- No, on, it's too dangerous.

(crescendo music)

- Where is that shoplifting uncle of yours?

- That way!

(dramatic music)

(audience laughs)

(audience laughs)

(wooing)

(light music)

(audience laughs)

- Come on, O'Hara, you might as well tell the truth.

Where did that uncle of yours go with this lady's package?

- Package?

You know, Brennan,

they outta invent a marksmanship medal for you.

For shooting off your mouth.

- What's going on here?

Oh, you again.

- One of my packages was stolen right from out of my arms!

Well, of all things, here it is.

- What?

- Bye.

- Sir, I would like to report this man.

He has insulted me, made accusations.

- And who are you, sir?

- I'm Lieutenant Brennan, police department.

I, I, I don't seem to have my identification on me.

- A detective, eh?

I'd say you look more like a shoplifter.

That's one of our suits you're wearing!

You are undoubtedly

trying to walk out of the store that way!

- What?

- While drawing attention to somebody else.

- Now see here, O'Hara, tell him who I am.

I'm no shoplifter.

- He's a masher, that's what he is.

He tried to accost me!

- I what?

- Mr. Calcy, there's a mannequin walking around the window!

- How, when, what?

- Lorelei!

- Lady, what were you doing in there?

- What else? Window shopping.

- Lorelei, I've been looking all over for you.

- You mean, that's the dummy you said you were looking for?

- Bill Brennan, how dare you refer to me as a dummy!

- I, I, I said no such thing, Lorelei.

I was merely asking if anyone had seen you ...

- Don't believe him, honey, he's a liar.

He tried to pick me up earlier!

- Bill!

- I did not try to pick you up, Madam.

I had just said that, she just looked like you.

As a matter of fact,

all the women seemed to have looked like you, and ...

- Oh, so I'm not only a dummy, am I?

I'm also so ordinary, I look like every other woman.

- Oh, no no, look, I didn't say that.

- Wait a minute, that suit hasn't been paid for!

(audience laughs)

- Tim, after all the years

that I've been visiting on your planet,

there's one thing that I don't understand.

- What's that?

- How can one Earthman like Brennan

keep getting into so much trouble?

(audience laughs)

- Oh, well I see you got your check back.

- Yeah, that poor floor manager was so happy

to get rid of me, I think with a little extra effort,

I could've turned a profit.

Well, should we go?

- Oh yoo hoo, Martin! Tim!

I just wanted you to know that Bill and I have made up.

In fact, he even bought me a little gift.

It's called Femme Fatal, isn't it divine?

I just love it.

Well, we've got to go. Bye, bye! See you at home!

- Femme Fatale? Pretty wild.

(music drops)

- Oh no.

- Oh yes, oh yes.

(upbeat music)