Original subtitles

- [Uncle Martin] Tim I don't know when I'll get that

spaceship in working order.

I must confess I'm discouraged.

- [Tim] Well, I didn't know you martians were subject

to human emotion.

- Well it's only because I've been here so long.

It's like becoming acclomated.

One of these days I'll probably catch

your common cold again.

- Good.

Well then maybe you'll be the one to find the cure for it.

(laughter)

- [Mrs. Lorelei Brown] Martin.

Tim.

What do you boys do in that garage all the time?

(laughter)

- Well you know Mrs. Brown science has never been

able to find a cure for the common cold.

- Yes, I know and I think it's just terrible.

- It is.

It is.

Well Uncle Martin is on the verge of

inventing the curable common cold.

- Oh you.

(laughter)

Oh, honestly Martin if you could just ever be serious

about those inventions of yours, I know Alvin could

make you both rich.

- Where is your brother this morning?

- Yes.

Where is the Howard Hughes of Elm street?

- He went to buy a car.

- A car?

- Where did he get the money?

- From me.

I loaned him $600 because he ...

(car horn)

(whimsical music)

- Oh yoo hoo Alvin.

(car horn)

- [Alvin] Hi.

(laughter)

(car door shutting)

- Oh.

- Holy toledo.

I think we've been underestimating this boy.

- My goodness Alvin.

I had no idea you could get such a lovely car for only $600.

- Oh well you can't.

I only rented it for the day.

The rest of the money went for this little baby.

We're gonna make a fortune, sis.

A fortune.

Hey fellas lend me a hand over here, will ya?

- Well, what is it?

- Shh.

We have to be careful if we're industrial spies.

Hey run and open that door will ya sis?

You wanna help me take this into the house fellas?

(laughter)

(comical music)

- There it is folks.

Wanamaker's widdle wife saver.

(laughter)

- Wanamaker's widdle what?

- It's a play on words Tim.

It's what we in the business world call a grabber.

(laughter)

- Oh.

That's a grabber.

(laughter)

- I have a feeling it will be by the throat.

(laughter)

- You name it.

Wanamaker's wife saver does it.

Sweeps,

vacuums,

washes the dishes,

cleans the drapes,

mows the lawn,

trims the hedges,

everything.

- Really?

Oh, isn't that marvelous?

- Can we have a demonstration?

- Well I'm afraid we're not quite ready for a demonstration,

Martin.

We still have a few bugs to iron out.

But that's where you come in.

You and your mechanical genius.

(laughter)

(crashing sound)

(laughter)

- All you gotta do is put it together and we'll make

a fortune.

(laughter)

- Uncle Martin?

The cure for the common cold is beginning to sound

like a very practical idea.

(laughter)

(space music)

(beeping)

(space music)

(beeping)

(space music)

(upbeat music)

(spacey music)

(click)

- Nothing short of a miracle could make this monster work.

(click)

(dramatic music)

- No.

I'm afraid Alvin has purchased a very large $500 lemon.

- Paid for with Mrs. Brown's cabby.

- Yeah.

And that's the disheartening part.

I'm certain he'll want more money from her to promote it.

And it's completely worthless.

(high pitched sound)

(laughter)

- Hey I have a great idea.

What we do is import a martian

to go with each one of these gadgets.

- Believe me.

That's the only way you'll ever get them on the market.

- Hey.

Would you just tell me one thing?

Where does Alvin come up with these jokers anyhow?

- Well now Alvin claims he was just walking down the street

and he got lucky when he ran into Dr. Dunlap.

- All right.

Why don't we go and see this Dr. Dunlap and tell him

that it wasn't Alvin's money in the first place ...

- Ahh, I'm afraid not.

The only way to deal with men of Dunlap's ilk

is to offer them payment in kind.

That is to say, in other words,

make them think they're getting something for nothing.

- Oh.

Well in that case why don't we ...

- Right this way Mr. Morgan.

Now we are temporarily using a steam engine to energize

our wife saver.

But my research staff has been working day and night

on an advanced model electronic energizer.

Oh there they are now.

My director of technical research and his chief assistant.

Our very capable men.

This is Mr. Morgan, gentlemen.

Vice President of York instrumentation incorporated.

A relatively new, but very progressive and

forward looking electronics firm.

- [ Mr. Morgan] How do you do?

- There it is Mr. Morgan.

The wonder of the age.

The housewives answer to drudgery.

- Oh I am so proud of Alvin.

He's so generous.

Imagine giving both of you such important jobs

when he isn't even in business yet.

(laughter)

Oh isn't it thrilling?

- Frankly, no Mrs. Brown.

By all rights it should be in the junkyard.

(laughter)

- Oh I can't believe it.

- I'm sorry Mrs. Brown.

But that's all it is, junk.

- Oh Alvin.

- Thank you very much Mr. Morgan.

Now what do we owe you for your time?

- Oh, nothing at all thank you.

- Well if you insist.

(laughter)

- Good day Mrs. Brown.

Gentlemen.

- Well Lorelei now you know.

It's hard to take, but better now than later.

- Beautiful.

Just beautiful.

(laughter)

- What's beautiful Alvin?

- That performance.

I bet he even fooled you.

Is Wanamaker's widdle wife saver worth anything?

- It's a pile of junk.

(laughter)

- See now I know we have something.

(laughter)

- But Alvin ...

- Don't you see sis?

Morgan tells us it's a pile of junk, right?

Now in a day or so he comes around and says Alvin

my company will buy that from you for 50 bucks.

For scrap.

- Sell.

(laughter)

- This little baby's got the greatest potential of anything

since the wheel.

It can do anything.

All it needs is a little fixin' up.

And you're the one who can do it.

- Weren't you listening to that man?

- You know I spent half my life giving people confidence

in their own abilities.

Martin all you need is faith.

Faith and no-how.

(laughter)

- Oh you can do it Martin I just know you can.

- Well Mrs. Brown knows you can.

Alvin knows you can.

But we don't know you can do we Uncle Martin?

(laughter)

- Perhaps we don't have to if we pursue your idea.

- My idea?

What idea was that?

- Well just before Mr. Morgan arrived

I distinctly heard you almost say

"why don't we sell the wife saver back to Dr. Dunlap?"

- You did?

I almost said that?

(laughter)

Well that's a great idea.

I didn't almost say how did I?

(laughter)

- Alvin says all it takes is faith and no-how.

You supply the faith and I'll handle the know-how.

(laughter)

(upbeat music)

- This is where Alvin said he found Dr. Dunlap?

(space music)

- Mind dyed rabbit?

(laughter)

- Mind dyed ... Oh I think you did find Dr. Dunlap.

Which direction is that coming from?

(upbeat music)

- [Dr. Dunlap) Psst. Hey Buddy.

I wonder if you gentlemen could assist me in a dilemma?

- What's your problem?

- Well it's these confiscatory taxes.

Let me show you something.

Look at that.

- Oh frankly sir we are after much larger game.

- Yes we're looking for a Dr. Dunlap.

We understand that he lives in this area?

- What's he done?

(laughter)

- I'm afraid he allowed himself to be victimized

by a fast talking swindler.

Poor fellow.

- Poor fellow?

(laughter)

- Oh yeah.

Well wouldn't you say that a person who allowed

a million dollars to just slip through his fingers

poor fellow?

- A million dollars?

(laughter)

- I'm afraid you're being a trifle optimistic TJ.

I don't believe you could reasonably expect to net

a million in the first year.

- Oh I think you'd come fairly close to it.

- Well, be that as it may this gentleman apparently

doesn't know Dr. Dunlap.

Come.

We'll have to look elsewhere.

- Wait.

I'm Dunlap.

Dr. Dunlap.

(laughter)

Here I can prove it.

Dr. Thaddeus Dunlap.

(musical notes)

- Excellent.

There may still be time.

Even Wanamaker hasn't realized yet

the full potential of the wife saver.

- Wanamaker?

You can't be talking about that box of junk I palmed ...

That he bought from me?

(laughter)

- Junk.

He calls it junk.

Ah the despair and frustration that must overcome

genius after years of toil and sweat and tears

when his masterpiece doesn't fully meet

his standards of perfection.

- Yes, yes.

And then to have some Alvin come lately take that

piece of junk,

mold it and shape it,

and turn it into something creative.

Turn it into a million dollars.

Oh that's heartbreaking.

(laughter)

It's really heartbreaking.

- Listen.

No little crook's gonna put anything over on me.

I'm gonna get that thing back if I have to pull

every dirty trick in the book.

By, by the way,

what's it do?

(laughter)

- I brought you some lunch Alvin.

And Martin and Tim are waiting to see you.

I told them I didn't know

whether or not I should disturb you.

- No, it's okay to disturb me for them sis

they're part of the firm.

- Oh Alvin you're so democratic.

(laughter)

- Yoo hoo. Martin, Tim.

You can come in now.

Oh you should see what Alvin's doing.

It's simply amazing.

- Oh, it's more than amazing.

The way he eats is spectacular.

(laughter)

- Oh no, Tim.

He's been working on slogans.

- Yeah.

I've got a few working ideas here.

I'll just consumer test these on you.

(laughter)

The wife saver that's a life saver.

(laughter)

Mother's magic merlin.

(laughter)

Well they're only working ideas.

I just thought I'd run them up the flagpole.

(laughter)

- Alvin, the fact of the matter is you'd better

put the flag at half mast.

(laughter)

Your wife saver is dead.

- What?

- Kaput.

Finished.

Nothing on earth can make it work.

- Or as Mr. Morgan said it's a pile of junk.

- Now let's not panic.

Now I know you're discouraged.

- No Alvin I've taken it completely apart and there

isn't a single piece that's good for anything.

- Oh dear and Alvin was counting on it so.

- However, I think we have someone to take it off our hands.

Dr. Dunlap.

- But why would he want to buy it back?

- Because he realizes he made a bad deal, that's why.

Well if he thinks he can come in here

after we've done all the ground work.

- Alvin.

It won't work.

Now you have a chance to sell it, take it.

- You fellows just don't understand business.

Now look, I'm not in this just to lose sis's money.

After all we don't need the write off.

(laughter)

- Yes, but there's much more to be made

in your other venture.

- Other venture?

- Advertising.

Those slogans.

The wife saver that's a life saver.

Mother's magic merlin.

(laughter)

Tim what do you think about this?

- Oh just incredible.

(laughter)

- Well I knew they were good for the wife saver,

but frankly I never thought about the bigger picture.

(laughter)

- Exactly.

This gadget is small potatoes.

So if you have a chance to get out and break even, grab it.

- Oh business is so exciting.

- You bet I will.

(laughter)

- Incidentally, if Dr. Dunlap offers you a mink stole

instead of cash, don't take it.

(laughter)

- You know Uncle Martin, you would think with all

the conveniences of modern science

they'd figure out a way of getting rid of ashes

without having to dump them in ...

Well how about that?

Ever since Alvin's arrival, even the trash can's

had it up to here.

(laughter)

- For the first and last time Tim,

Wanamaker's widdle wife saver may serve a useful purpose.

(siren noise)

- After you Tim.

(descencding sound)

(laughter)

(trumpet music)

- Hey look at that.

- Oh Martin.

Oh I knew you could do it.

Oh I'm so thrilled.

- What did I tell you Martin.

All it takes is a little faith and no-how.

You're a genius.

(laughter)

- Now Alvin, don't be modest.

If it hadn't been for you he'd have given up.

No you deserve a lot of the credit too.

(laughter)

- Well we all did our bit, some of us more than others.

But the important thing is that the wife saver works.

And just in time too.

- Alvin, what do you mean just in time?

- Oh I was just gonna bring it in to Dunlap.

- Do you mean that Dunlap is in the house?

- Of course.

He came over to buy back Alvin's wife saver.

- For a measly five hundred dollars.

(laughter)

Fat chance after seeing that.

- Come on sis.

Let's give the good doctor the bad news.

(laughs)

- And don't worry about more capital.

Now I'll be glad to refinance the house.

(laughter)

- Martin, you goofed.

- Yeah.

You must concede, however, that when a martian goofs

there's nothing measly about it.

(laughter)

It is invariably a monumental goof.

(laughter)

(upbeat music)

- But I don't understand this.

I'm giving you a chance to get your money back.

- Dunlap, I'm not in business to get my money back.

Anybody can do that.

We're planning on forming our own company and going into

immediate production.

- Now look Wanamaker.

If you were anybody else that kind of talk will get

the price up.

But I know you.

- I didn't know you two were friends.

- Lady I just met him a couple of days ago, but I know him.

Now look Wanamaker.

My offer's good only for 24 hours, so you'd better grab it.

- A measly 500 I'd be crazy.

I never sold anything except for a profit.

Why my firm Reckamana Enterprises Incorporated ...

- Your firm ha ha that'll be the day.

(laughter)

Remember 24 hours.

Buster.

(dramatic music)

(laughter)

- If Alvin refuses to sell except for a profit,

it looks as though Wanamaker enterprises will have to

become a reality.

- Do you mean that you're actually gonna manufacture those

useless monsters?

- No Tim.

The only thing we're going to manufacture is an illusion.

And a real tidy return on Mrs. Brown's investment.

(upbeat music)

- This is Reckamana Enterprises?

- Uh huh.

You'll be amazed what can be done with a

small investment and a little faith and no-how.

- Oh yeah?

How much of a small investment?

- Only 50 dollars.

I followed the example of our beloved chairman of the

board who rents his cars by the day.

(laughter)

- I hate to tell you, and I don't want to sound

like a spoil sport.

But 50 bucks is not a small investment to a newspaper

reporter.

- Don't worry about it Tim.

I expect to recover it within a very short time.

- Oh yeah.

Now you're beginning to sound like our beloved

chairman of the board.

(laughter)

(ghostly sounds)

Well what are you gonna do with all this stuff?

- The only way to impress a con man is to put up a

bigger front than he does.

(ghostly sounds)

- All right.

What's this?

- Your desk.

- My desk?

Uncle Martin you couldn't interest termites

in a desk like this.

(laughter)

- You're right.

The President of a prosperous electronics firm

should have an expensive looking desk.

A little revitalizing of its molecules.

(blowing)

(ghostly sounds)

(flash)

(laughter)

- Well that's more like it.

However it doesn't exactly fill up the room.

- That's precisely why I brought along

my duplicating machine.

(laughter)

(ghostly sounds)

- I'll say one thing.

It's a lot quicker than trading stamps.

(laughter)

- I think it's quite impressive.

And now that we have built a better mousetrap,

let us get in touch with the mouse.

(laughter)

- But Uncle Martin, don't you think that Dunlap is

going to get just a little bit suspicious when he

finds out that his buyers are his sellers?

- On Mars we have an old saying Tim.

What a Dunlap doesn't know, can't make him suspicious.

(ghostly sounds)

(laughter)

(comical music)

- Hey, that's pretty tricky.

But is it the real me?

- Well in the words of one of your famous entertainers,

you ain't seen nothin' yet.

(ghostly sound)

(laughter)

(knocking)

- You think that's him?

- I imagine that's the fly.

And Tim, stop being such a nervous spider.

(laughter)

Come in.

(comedic music)

Yes.

- Is this Reckamena Enterprises?

- If one is to believe the sign on the door.

- It can't be the one that that fella Alvin Wanamaker's

connected with?

- That fellow you refer to happens to be the chairman

of the board.

We're extremely busy.

Now do you have business here or did you just drop

in to ask foolish questions?

(laughter)

- No.

My card.

(laughter)

- Dr. Thaddeus Dunlap.

So.

- I've been negotiating with Mr. Wanamaker about taking

this gadget off his hands.

And I've come back to resume my negotiations.

- Mr. Wanamaker is not here just now.

You'll have to take this up with our President.

Mr. Costairs.

No, no, no, no, no.

Ha ha ha you stay right there sir.

(laughter)

(mumbling)

Sir.

Mr. Costairs this gentlemen is interested in

(clears throat)

to use his words taking this gadget off our hands.

- Really.

Well there's seems to be really a rash of that

sort of thing lately.

Hm.

Why only yesterday, some crackpot,

no offense,

but some crackpot offered Mr. Wanamaker

five hundred dollars.

(laughter)

- It gave us a good laugh around here.

- Oh yes.

And no mention of royalties.

Why any idiot knows, that the money to be made in business

is in the royalties.

(laugh)

- Oh may I inquire

(mumbles)

Dr. Dunlap whom do you represent?

- Well as a matter of fact at the moment

I only represent myself.

However, I have been approached by two members of

a very large firm who would take care of the

financial details.

- That wouldn't be Vioray products incorporated?

- I'm not at Liberty to say.

(laughter)

- If Vioray is interested ...

- Yes, I know, I know, I know.

Oh yes, yes.

Wouldn't want to run into them again, no.

Last time we almost lost our shirts.

(clears throat)

- Without betraying a confidence of course,

could you tell us if one of the representatives

was of a slight build,

smooth shaven and with red hair?

- Yes and the other one strikingly handsome?

(laughter)

- No.

I'm sorry gentlemen but my word is my bond.

However, if you wish to battle this out in the

march of trade,

I should be only too happy to take word back

to my associates at Via ...

(laughter)

my associates.

Period.

(laughter)

Good day.

(laughter)

- Just one moment.

We might, might be interested in hearing your offer.

- I thought you would.

Of course, before I make any commitment

I've got to see your product in actual operation.

- Of course.

Of course.

(laughter)

Now Mr. Munn would you please demonstrate the widdle wife

saver, the wife saver.

(clears throat)

- Certainly.

(upbeat music)

(ghostly sounds)

(laughter)

(ghostly sounds)

(upbeat racing music)

- I'm Wanamaker.

Does either Mr. O'Hara happen to be in?

- Alvin, it's me, Tim.

- Tim.

Then that's ...

- Uncle Martin, yes.

- How about that.

Hey what's with the disguises?

- Cool it would you Alvin?

Just don't ask any questions.

- Okay.

Boy you fellows sure have done a magnificent job here.

This is just the kind of office I always thought

I belonged in.

- But it's not really here.

Well I mean it's here all right, but it's, it's, it's

it's an illusion.

It's a mirage.

Well it's all a phony front with nothing behind it.

- Well it's a good thing I came along, because what I

brought with me is no mirage.

(laughter)

Gentlemen, we have another bidder.

Dr. Dunlap.

Meet Mr. Morgan from York Instrumentation.

- Nah I don't think Mr. Morgan would really be interested.

- Why not.

- Oh, I definitely agree.

Yes Dr. Dunlap should be the one we'd stick ...

Sell it to.

(laughter)

- Yes.

We have a prior obligation to the doctor.

- Prior obligation, Mr Morgan saw it first.

- Wanamaker, I must admit I was mistaken.

I don't know how you've done it,

but this thing works now and I want it for my company.

- Alvin baby, I got two customers who will take delivery

on it this afternoon.

I'll give you six hundred dollars cash and five percent.

- Seven hundred dollars and ten percent.

- That's what I like.

Competition the backbone of business.

- A thousand dollars cash and twelve and a half percent.

Take it or leave it.

- We'll take it.

(laughter)

- Not so fast.

I'll pay you eleven hundred dollars and fifteen percent.

- But a thousand dollars is all I got with me.

Give me an hour and I'll go higher and ...

(laughter)

twenty percent.

(laughter)

- What do we do Uncle Martin, we can't cheat Mr. Morgan?

- Don't worry Tim.

Just insist on cash.

(ghostly sounds)

(laughter)

- It's all yours Mr. Morgan.

Just as soon as you give Mr. Costairs your check.

Sorry Dunlap.

- Good.

Well that's funny.

I don't seem to have my checkbook with me.

(laugh)

I'll mail it to you.

- Oh, I am sorry.

But I must insist on cash on the spot.

- I think we've had just about enough of these shenanigans.

I bet a thousand dollars and I'm ready

to back it up with cash.

(dramatic riff)

- And the twenty percent?

- Cash.

(laughter)

- Well I'm sorry Mr. Morgan but I'll tell you what.

On my very next deal I'll let you in on the ground floor.

(laughter)

- Say, how about seven hundred and fifty cash and I got a

marvelous mink stole I'll throw in.

(laughter)

- Cash.

(upbeat music)

- Six hundred to sis for her original investment.

And fifty dollars to you for rent for the loft.

And say what about the rent for all those furnishings.

- Oh, no charge.

It was a gift.

(laughter)

- Yeah, it was a gift all right.

- All right.

Well then we have three hundred and fifty dollars profit.

To be divided among the four partners with more to come.

- Not Tim and I.

We weren't really partners.

- Well Uncle Martin I did ...

(laugh)

I was just joking.

(laughter)

Well Alvin you and Mrs. Brown you split the profits.

Uncle Martin and I got kicks out of this.

- Oh okay.

But you know one of the great joys of these deals of mine

is dividing up the profits among my partners and friends.

- Oh I just love it when your deals make money.

I remember the time when ...

well ...

Then there was the one that uh ...

(laughter)

Well this one made money.

Thanks to my little brother.

- Oh that's peanuts, sis.

Wait till those royalties start rolling in.

- Alvin, there won't be any royalties.

Tim and I were also Vioray Products Incorporated.

- You mean you weren't ...

You mean there isn't ...

You mean we gave away a fortune

for a lousy thousand dollars?

(laughter)

- Alvin the wife saver doesn't really work.

- What do you mean it doesn't work?

I saw it work.

Sis, give me back that six hundred.

Maybe we can still buy this thing back from Dunlap.

- Alvin, can't you understand?

- I better take this too.

(laughter)

Come on, sis.

We're gonna have to raise a lot more than this.

(upbeat music)

- Wow.

(laughter)

- We should have kept the wife saver and sold Alvin.

(laughter)

(upbeat music