Original subtitles

(soft music)

- Hey (mumbles), I thought I'd stock up the freezer.

- By its barren interior, I was beginning to think

you had enrolled in a survival school.

- Hey, is something wrong with the TV set,

is it going to blink?

I mean after all it's practically new.

- Tim, it's not your television circuitry

that's in need of repair, it's mine.

- Hi.

Clete Baxter here,

with a reminder that this station will cover live

this evening the premiere of Chad Foster's new picture,

Kisses A Go-Go.

Immediately preceding the premiere activities,

we'll interview Mr. Foster right here on KBW TV,

your local news and music station.

- Speaking of which, I have to go down to the

TV studio and interview Chad Foster myself for the paper.

So I hope you don't mind a frozen dinner.

- Well, that depends.

Do you intend to defrost it or must I eat it

on the stick like a popsicle?

- Add Zap detergent to your wash, and you'll find

it leaves your clothes like sliced noodles.

I bought that.

- Hey, those were my noodles on television.

- I know, I must have developed a short-circuit

in my telesensory transmitters.

- Do you mean that we have our own closed circuit TV?

- I'm afraid it isn't very closed.

I'm also transmitting to all the sets between here

and the horizon.

- I hope you're awfully hungry tonight.

I think I've lost my appetite.

(whimsical music)

(beeping)

(whimsical music)

(upbeat piano music)

Hey, we're saved.

That's the regular show.

- Yeah, well don't congratulate yourself too soon, Tim.

It may be interrupted at any moment by circumstances

beyond their control, and mine too.

- Interrupted?

You don't mean you're gonna start transmitting again?

- Well I can't help it, Tim.

- My telesensory transmitters are somewhat like a lightbulb

with an intermittent short.

They go on and off at erratic intervals.

(static crackles)

- Hey Uncle Martin, turn off your head.

- Shh, sh-sh.

- [Tim] There; now you can't see anything.

- No, but every word you utter can be heard

from here to the horizon.

Now don't panic.

- It's too late.

I already did.

- Listen carefully.

First we switch hands.

No, no, no, no, no, not your hand.

My hand.

All right.

Now, in the third drawer on the desk is a pair of

carboloidal cort sight sunglasses.

Quietly now, hurry, go and get them for me.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Are these the ones?

- Sh, sh, sh, sh.

- Here.

(static crackles)

(upbeat piano music)

Can we talk now?

- Yes.

Because these carboloidal sunglasses inhibit the light rays

and sound waves just enough to make both unintelligible.

- Oh, I mean, oh, at least we can relax.

- No, we can't.

On the contrary.

We have to keep your date for an interview with Chad Foster.

- We have to keep my date?

Now look, this is supposed to be an exclusive interview

for the Daily Sun.

How exclusive is it gonna be in front of 30 million people?

- Well I have no intention of exposing you and Mr. Foster

to the prying eyes of the world.

I merely must have access to a deflection coil

from one of their television cameras

long enough to make a copy of it

with my duplicating machine.

- Oh, then your head won't be going on and off, huh?

- Yes, you could say it that way, yes.

- [Tim] What's that?

- It's a miniaturizer.

The coil will be too big to fit my antenna,

and I'll have to reduce it.

All right now, hurry Tim and get your coat,

because government people have highly effective means

of vectoring in on unauthorized transmitters.

If I should be broadcasting when they arrive,

I imagine they would have some pretty strong words

to say on the subject.

- Yeah, and I know what the words are gonna be.

You're under arrest.

- [Clete] Well Chad, good luck on your

forthcoming live hour special next week on KBW.

- It'll be fun hosting a variety show for the first time.

- We'll all watch it.

- Invite me back again, Clete.

- Any time, Chad.

- And now if you'll excuse me, I have to go change

for the premiere of Kisses A Go-Go.

- Chad Foster, folks.

One of the nicest guys in Hollywood.

And now one last word about the on again, off again

interference of our sound and picture transmission.

Now, authorities are convinced that someone is

purposefully jamming the air waves.

However, the authorized government agency has brought

all its directional finding equipment to bear on a signal,

and the situation should soon be under control.

Well that's 30 for now.

See you again at 10 for the late news.

- Listen, I think I better go get my interview.

You gonna be okay?

- Don't worry, Tim.

I know what I'm looking for.

(soft music)

- All right, but don't get caught, huh?

I mean these TV unions are pretty strong.

- You forget, Tim, I'm in TV myself.

- What's your rating?

(knocking)

- Hello, Tim O'Hara in the Los Angeles Sun?

- Oh yes, I'm Peggy Reynolds, Mr. Forester's secretary.

- Oh, well I'd say being a movie star definitely has

its fringe benefits.

- I'm also his fiance, we're gonna be married in a month.

- Well then I'd say that he has a marvelous

profit sharing plan.

- Chad, Tim O'Hara of the Los Angeles Sun is here.

- Hello Tim, it's nice to see you.

- Hi, same. - Come on in.

(whistles)

I don't wanna appear inhospitable, Tim,

but I have to change into a tux for the premiere.

- Oh listen, don't mind me.

I once interviewed an opera star right in the middle

of his traviata.

- Thank you.

- Now look, Chad, for starters.

You always seem to play the same kind of a role,

you know, suave, debonair, the playboy type,

kissing all those gorgeous girls.

- Well, it's a living. - A living?

If I had a job like that, I'd insist on overtime.

- Well don't forget, Tim, things aren't always

what they appear to be up there on that big screen.

- Ah.

(mischievous music)

(electronic whirring)

- Of course, I can't very well feel sorry for myself.

I mean, after all.

Is somebody out there?

- Oh no.

I mean yes.

Well, it's just a friend.

My uncle.

- Well, invite him in.

- Oh no, no, no, I couldn't do that, you see,

he, well he hasn't had his head fixed yet.

I mean, he's shy.

Yeah, that's it, he's celebrity shy.

He faints a lot.

- Oh well, nonsense.

If you don't ask him in, I will.

Hello there, I'm Chad Foster.

Tim tells me you're his uncle.

- Yes, Mark O'Hara, I'm delighted to meet you, Mr. Foster.

- Ah, please call me Chad, all my friends do.

- Well I should deem it an honor to be counted among them,

Chad.

- I thought you said he was celebrity shy.

- Well, he didn't say much when I introduced him to Lassie.

- Well, anyway, I'm glad you could come down with Tim.

Say, excuse me for staring, but those are very unusual

sunglasses.

I don't believe I've ever seen a pair like them before.

- Well that isn't surprising.

They're quite literally out of this world.

- They look like they'd be especially good for Palm Springs.

Can I see them?

- No.

I mean, well, bright lights bother my uncle's eyes,

you see, Chad, and with all these bright lights around.

I guess they're not very bright, huh?

Is your head fixed yet?

- No.

I have no idea, your electronics technology was so

archaic.

- Do you think it's safe to let Chad have the glasses?

- I hope so.

My teletransmitters have been inactive for some time now.

With luck, they should.

(static crackles)

- Yeah.

- Hey, these are the greatest sunglasses I ev--

(sighs)

- Chad?

Your shoulders fell off.

- Well there goes the old image.

- Listen, Chad, I mean, Mr., I'm sorry,

I didn't mean to.

- You're sorry?

You wanna see somebody sorry,

take a look at sorry Sam Finch.

- Sam Finch?

- That's my real name.

And I got the body to go along with it.

Look, when I go incognito, all I have to do is

take off the rug, the shoulders and the girdle,

and boy, am I incognito.

I mean, people don't just ignore me, they avoid me.

- Well Sam, I mean, Chad, I just hope you don't think

that this was deliberate just to get a story.

- Chad.

Chad, what happened?

- Oh now, now, there's nothing to be alarmed about,

sweetheart, we just had a little accident, that's all,

and I'm sure that these gentlemen aren't gonna

breathe a word about it to anybody.

- You don't have to, Chad.

You're on television.

30 million people just saw you.

- Television?

30 million?

You mean, oh boy.

I don't feel so good.

(soft music)

I'm finished, Peg.

I'm washed up.

I couldn't even be a subject on I've Got A Secret.

- Don't worry, darling, when we find out who sneaked

that hidden camera in here, we'll sue.

- Sue?

I'm the one they oughta sue for impersonating a man.

(whistles) Can you imagine how the studio's gonna take this?

Let's face it, honey, I'm on my way down

in my elevator shoes and there's no room for one more.

If you're smart, you can go sit out there in the audience

and laugh at the rest of them.

- Chad, I happen to be in love with you.

- With me?

Here, take me and go.

- Stop with the jokes.

- Honey, I'm busted, it's over, it's kaput.

And when the studio gets through with me in court,

I'll be so flat you can slip me under the door

of the unemployment office.

- You don't have to be a big star, Chad,

there are other ways of making a living.

- For me, are you kidding?

I was born and raised in show business.

I don't know anything else, what else can I do?

- You can find something.

You can, well, you can even be a shoe salesman

if you had to.

- Oh sure, I can just see myself on my knees with

my bald head shining up in some women's eyes.

Peggy, what am I gonna do?

- What are we gonna do?

It's a community property type problem.

- I've seen many a fallen star, Tim, but this is

the first one I've ever personally shot down.

- Evening out there.

Clete Baxter here with the news.

Another mystery telecast happened again this evening.

And though we're coming to you tonight in black and white,

if our color cameras had been functioning earlier,

you would have seen the reddest face in the history

of show business.

- Of course.

Why didn't I think of that?

- Think of it?

You caused it.

- Shh.

- Debonair man about the silver screen who was caught

with his shoulder pads down, his bald pate shining,

and his foundation garment showing for the biggest letdown

and the loudest horse laugh the public has had

since motion pictures were invented.

- That's it. - What's it?

- Horse laugh.

That's the key to the whole situation.

Tim, I'm going to change a sense of humor into

dollars and cents right before your very eyes.

- I hope you know what you're talking about.

I don't know what you're talking about.

- The solution to our problem.

The solution to Chad Foster's problem, all wrapped up

in one neat little package.

- With a big red label, cyanide.

- Not at all.

Come on, we've gotta get back to the studio.

- We can't go back to the studio.

- Of course we can, and don't look so glum.

To quote one of your own platitudes, it's always darkest

before the dawn.

- Sure it is.

That's usually the hour they shoot people.

(strange music)

What?

- We're in luck. - We're in luck?

I thought we were in trouble.

What are you doing?

- Chad is still in his dressing room hiding out

from the press, but he can't stay in there forever,

and we've got to be ready for him.

Aha.

- Would you mind breaking aha down into something

that a poor, miserable earth man can understand?

- My friend the newscaster Clete Baxter reminded me

of a color camera.

And I remember the deflection color was of

a totally new design.

Ah yes.

This will do splendidly.

- Well then your head will be okay.

I mean, you'll be turned off for good.

- Well, not for good.

But I'll have to make one final telecast.

However, it'll be controlled.

(sneezes)

- Chad, is that you?

Is someone over there?

- Tim, why does she have to come out now?

I haven't miniaturized the duplicate coil yet.

You divert her attention while I tidy up.

- Divert her?

Are you kidding?

Uncle Martin, you can't leave me here like this.

This is unfair.

I don't know what I'm gonna say.

(chuckles nervously) Hi there.

How are you?

- What are you doing here?

- Oh, I was supposed to divert, I mean,

I just wanted to apologize.

- Apologize, apologize for what?

What is it you wanna apologize for? (mumbles)

- Well, about Chad.

You see, well maybe I shouldn't have said apologize.

What I meant was, I'm just sorry, that's all.

You'll never believe how sorry.

- Maybe I would.

You were here when it happened, weren't you,

you and your uncle Martin, isn't it?

- Yes, yes, yes, and he's sorry too.

He is the sorriest.

Boy is he sorry.

- Where is he now?

- Well let's just say that he's around somewhere.

- It's quite a coincidence, isn't it, you and

your uncle both being around when it happened.

- Yes, yes, it is, it's quite a,

it's just one of those things.

- Well, if you'll excuse me, Mr. O'Hara,

there's something rather urgent that I wanna take care of.

- Hello (mumbles).

What is she thinking?

- She's thinking you're some kind of a nut.

- What else?

- She's gone to phone the authorities.

She's convinced you at least had something to do with

the hidden camera broadcast.

(electric whir)

There.

My telesensory transmitters are back to normal.

Come on, Tim, we don't have much time.

(triumphant music)

- The Wizard of Oz.

What is all this?

- The set for Captain Zero Zoo program.

It's a children's show.

- Oh, well what does all this have to do with Chad Foster?

- Well we are about to do another unauthorized

but necessary telecast, and I thought we might need

some necessary theatrical dressing, and this seems to be

the thing that would do it.

Ah, excellent.

Now, all I have to do is to remove the stuffing

temporarily and get inside.

- Would you mind telling me what you intend getting into

that thing for?

- Peggy has gone to fetch the federal investigators.

If she should manage to reach them and bring them here

before my telecast is finished, so am I.

Therefore, I want some sort of concealment.

- Oh, swell.

Well what kind of an outfit am I supposed to get into?

How about that jackass over there, I'm getting to feel like

one now anyhow.

- You have a more important mission to accomplish.

Chad is about to step out of his dressing room momentarily.

I want you to get him onto this set and get him to

talk about his toupee, his padded shoulders,

the image he literally built up.

- Oh, that's just great.

Look, haven't we done enough to hurt this guy already?

- Tim, please trust me, now just do as I ask.

Shh, here he comes.

- Chad, I mean, Mr. Foster.

- Oh no, I thought all you press guys left already.

- Well I just wanted to tell you how sorry I am

about everything that happened.

- Yeah, sure.

Thanks.

- Well now look, I thought maybe I could help you.

- Help me?

Buddy boy, right now the calvary and the U.S. Marines

to the rescue couldn't do me any good.

- Well all right, maybe you could help me.

Now I could really use a good follow up story.

- You're kidding?

You've got to be kidding.

Well, what difference does it make now?

I might as well milk the laugh even if the laugh's on me.

- Okay, that's great.

How about over here, I think the light's a little better.

Look, this seems like a really good spot.

- Fine.

(electronic whooshing)

- Oh, what are your plans for the future?

- Future, fella, I'm not too sure I even have a present.

- You must have some idea what you're gonna do.

- Well if it weren't for my beliefs, I'd kill myself,

but I'm a devout coward.

- Do you think you're gonna make another movie?

- Oh sure, if somebody wants to do Cinderella in reverse.

Then again, I'd be perfect for Beauty and the Beast.

(chuckles)

- How does it feel to lose the old image?

What I mean is--

- You mean going from the body beautiful

to the form frightful.

I'll tell ya, the truth is a relief.

My heart goes off to every woman ever had to wear a corset.

You feel like a salami tied in the middle.

Every time you eat something, you grow three inches taller.

- Speaking of height, how high were those shoes

that you used to wear?

- All I can tell you is, with the lifts they put

in those things, every time I put them on,

I got a nosebleed.

Those heels were so high, I never walked into a room,

I used to lean into it.

Okay.

So I got a high forehead.

I never liked wearing that rug anyway.

The only thing it ever did for me was to keep my head

from slipping off the pillow at night.

And the chest pads and the thigh pads and the shoulder pads.

But having a great physique is fine,

but for a skinny guy like me, I was carrying it around

all the time.

Listen, you wanna laugh?

The studio was gonna run me for Mr. America.

If they'd seen the real me, I coulda lost my citizenship.

Okay, so the truth is out.

From now on, at least when I got to bed at night,

half of me doesn't end up in the bed while the other half

goes in the drawer.

- It's just nice to know that you're not bitter

about all that's happened.

- Bitter?

Well to tell you the truth, I was at first.

But then I got to thinking it out, and it finally

dawned on me, it had to happen sooner or later.

If you're a phony, you're gonna get found out.

But no matter how little you got,

as long as you go with it, as long as it's legit,

you'll be all right if you do the best you can

with what you have.

- Well that sounds like good advice for everybody.

- Yeah.

Well, I gotta run.

You got your story and I got me.

I'm not much, I admit, but I'm all I've got.

- Chad.

Oh Chad.

- Now, now, Peggy, no tears.

Oh.

I'm not crying, Chad, we're laughing.

- Laughing?

- I've been watching you on the monitor.

- You mean I've been on the air again?

- The way things look for a long time to come,

the networks were just jammed with calls,

and a couple of which to start your own show.

- You're putting me on.

- I took two calls from the network brass myself

before I could get away.

Now, I've called your agent, and the...

- Uncle Martin, you're a genius.

How'd you figure all this out?

- Simple, really.

I knew Chad had a good sense of humor

and a wonderful ability to laugh at himself.

That kind of person, Tim, must always succeed.

(whimsical music)

- Good night, folks.

Good night, see you next week.

Goodnight, all.

- What, I miss it?

Oh, nuts.

I got tied up in traffic, I wanna see Chad's new show.

- That isn't really an insurmountable problem.

Turn off the TV.

- Turn off the TV?

- If you wanna see the show, turn off the television set.

- I don't know what you have in mind, Uncle Martin,

but I have never yet turned off a television set

to watch a show.

Except maybe to see the little white dot

fade off into the distance as you listen to

the Star Spangled Banner.

(electronic whirring)

- [Announcer] Tonight, ladies and gentlemen,

the Transcon Television Network is proud to present

the new Chad Foster show.

- How about that.

My Uncle the rerun.

Hey, there was a movie that I missed last night,

it's supposed to be a marvelous movie.

And then there was the (mumbles) show.

I didn't catch that, then we can get that.

And yeah, here's a serial that just started last week.

(whimsical music)