Original subtitles

(slow playful music)

- Bills, bills, bills.

When I go bankrupt, I wonder if they'll

let me charge it.

(audience laughs)

Uncle Martin,

what are you doing with the time machine?

- I'm going back in time, Tim, to the

exact moment that Brutus stabbed Julius Caesar.

According to that book, Caesar said,

"You also Brutus."

Now I believe he said,

"And you my son."

I'll only be gone two minutes.

- Listen, could you make that two and a half minutes?

You see, the egg timer's on the blink.

Or are you planning on having breakfast with Julius?

- The way Brutus plays with knives?

No thank you.

I'd rather take my chances with your cooking.

(zap)

- Bye.

(someone knocks on door)

- Mr. O'Hara? Mr. Timothy O'Hara?

- Mr. Walter Poppe. Attorney at Law.

Well, come on.

You can't be suing me already.

These bills aren't even delinquent yet.

- Mr. O'Hara, if you are the Tim O'Hara whose

grandfather's second cousin is Ralph O'Hara

married to Martha, then you're the sole

heir to Ralph's estate.

- Heir?

Estate?

Do you mean that I ...

Well Mr. Poppe, It's a pleasure meeting you.

It really is.

Why don't you come in and have a chair or

would you like a sandwich or something?

I'll send it out.

You must have come along to help

carry the money, right?

- Yuck.

(audience laughs)

- This gentleman is Mr. Clarence O'Hara.

I have reason to believe he is a distant

relative to yours.

- That didn't come out of my family.

- Well I don't exactly carry your picture in my

wallet either, friend.

- If you should prove not to be the proper

Timothy O'Hara, then Clarence would

inherit the estate.

- That's what's bugging him.

How do I prove I'm me?

I mean, how do I prove that I'm the

proper me?

Wait. (snaps fingers)

Wait a minute.

Wait just one second.

Now the family album is ... aha!

Now, let's see.

Right in here.

Aha! Here it is.

Ralph and married Martha'd in 1915.

I mean, uh,

Ralph and Martha married in 1915.

Son Frank O'Hara born in January 1920.

Registered to the county recorder January 15th 1920

at 11:50 am.

- It appears authentic.

- Well, there'll always be a place for you

at the Thanksgiving table.

- I'd rather starve.

- I'll bet you don't get invited out much, do ya?

(zap)

- I knew I was right.

Caesar ...

- Caesar?

You mean Uncle Martin?

That's my Uncle Martin.

He he was in the kitchen preparing a, uh,

Caesar salad.

A flaming Caesar salad.

- Uncle Martin.

I know for a fact Mr. Poppe, there is no

Martin O'Hara.

Uncle or otherwise in our family.

- What? No Uncle Martin?

(Tim laughs)

Your very funny, Clarence.

You oughta join me for lunch sometime.

- My father was county recorder for 28 years.

A most meticulous gentleman.

I demand a more thorough examination, Mr. Poppe before

any disposition is made of the estate.

- This does cloud the issue.

I'm afraid we'll have to investigate more

intensively before we can enter your claim Mr. O'Hara.

- But I already spent the money.

Practically.

- Sorry.

I'll be in touch.

Good day.

- I'll save you a drumstick.

- Uncle Martin?

I would have been a rich man if

- If it wouldn't have been for me.

(Beep beep beep)

(Beep beep beep)

(outer space music)

(beep beep beep)

(dramatic fantasy music)

(playful music)

- Why do you want to move out?

I mean there is absolutely no reason for you

to move out.

- Aw, Tim, but there are two reasons.

First, you shall gain your rightful inheritance.

Second, my going should for stall any serious

investigation, which could very well reveal

me to me a martian.

- Well, so what.

Why would they want to investigate you?

I mean, after all, it's my estate.

- Only if you prove that you have no Uncle Martin.

Now I've written a letter to Mr. Poppe explaining

that out of the kindness of your heart,

you took me in.

A stranger.

Alone and friendless in this cold world

of yours.

- Oh, come on.

Let's get off the hearts and flowers bit.

- Well it's only slightly removed from the facts.

(Tim sighs)

I appreciate your sentiment, Tim.

But you're only delaying the inevitable.

- Why is it inevitable.

Now will you just tell me that?

You are a martian.

We should be able to come up with something.

- I'm afraid not.

I'll never forget what you've done for me, Tim.

Perhaps we could communicate from time to time.

- Well.

Suppose.

Now just suppose.

That you went back in time like you did yesterday.

- Ohhh.

- No no wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Only this time, you go back

to the county recorder's office,

January 15th, 1920 to be exact.

Now that'll be the time that Ralph and Martha went in

to register Frank's name.

Well you'd be approximately his age by now anyhow.

So all you have to do is convince the family

to change Frank's name to Martin.

And then it'll be on the books forever.

- And on my conscience for a martian eternity.

Which is a lot longer than your local forever.

(audience laughs)

Let's see now,

shirts, socks.

Oh Tim, if you don't mind, I'd like to take that

extra tube of toothpaste.

- No, help yourself.

Say Martin.

- [Martin] Yeah?

- Have you mailed that letter to Mr. Poppe yet?

- [Martin] Not yet. Why?

- Oh nothing.

I uh, just had an idea that's all.

Uncle Martin?

- [Martin] Yeah?

- Don't do anything until I get back.

(zap)

- Until you get back?

Holy moon craters.

(zap)

(phone rings)

- County Recorder's office, Mr. O'Hara speaking.

No madame, we don't suggest names for new babies.

We only record them.

Well if you insist.

As a matter of fact, I don't like Reginald and Mervin.

How about a good substantial name like John?

- Hm, you're quite welcome Mrs. Dillinger.

(audience laughs)

- [Martin voiceover] Tim? Tim?

- Yeah Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin?

Where are you?

- [Martin voiceover] I'm at home in 1965.

Where are you?

- Well I'm right where I want to be in 1920.

How come we can hear each other?

- [Martin Voiceover] Through my decibel refractor.

Sound remains in the atmosphere forever.

Tim, come home at once.

- Oh come on, Uncle Martin.

My relatives are gonna be here any second and

name their son.

- [Martin voiceover] Don't argue.

Come back before we lose contact.

Any electrical disturbance could cause our

voices to ...

- Hey.

Your refractor's on the fritz.

- Whom are you talking to?

- Uh, I was talking to Fritz.

My dog.

My German Shepard Fritz.

He's about uh, about that tall.

And he looks like

(pants like a dog)

Hey!

Hey, you're Clarence's father, aren't you?

- I am nobody's father for the simple reason

I'm not married as yet.

- Oh. That's right.

I guess um.

Well, I guess I had you mistaken for somebody else.

- Where did all that smoke come from?

- Oh it's these cheap cigars I smoke.

- What cigars?

- Oh, they burn fast, don't they?

- Enjoy your condition Mr.

In a few days Prohibition goes into effect.

(audience laughs)

- Good morning, cousin Clarence.

- Really Ralph, I don't know why you and Martha

waited until right before lunch to register your son.

When I eat late, I get bilious.

What name have you selected?

- Martin!

Is a wonderful name.

- We're naming our son Frank.

After my father.

- Child's name Frank.

Father's name Ralph.

Mother's name Martha.

- She uh,

she doesn't make you wear it in public, huh?

- I beg your pardon?

- Your apron.

Surely you wear an apron when you scrub the floors,

do the dishes.

- I do not wear an apron because I do not scrub

the floors and I do not do the dishes.

I wear the pants in my family.

- Ah, come on.

Come off it.

The minute you walked in that door.

We all knew that she was the boss in the family.

I'll bet

she didn't even ask you if

she could name the baby after her father.

I'll bet

she told you.

- Well, matter of fact,

she didn't even do that.

- Well, there you are.

You see?

Now, uh, are you gonna stand for that?

- I've decided I don't like the name Frank.

- You don't like?

That's my father's name!

- Well, maybe that's what influenced me.

- Ralph!

How could you say a thing like that?

- Why don't you come back after lunch?

- There is no need to come back after lunch.

The child's name is Frank.

Put that down.

- Clarence, I forbid you to put Frank down on

that card.

- [Clarence] What name do you want?

- Put down Martin.

Martin is a good name.

Martin. Put that down.

- Mr.

Why don't you take your funny suit with

the narrow lapels and go sleep it off.

What name do you want?

- I don't care as long as it isn't Frank.

- I can't put all that down on the card, Ralph.

- Well then just put down Martin.

Martin O'Hara. Right there.

- Martin's good enough.

It's better than Frank.

- Well.

You can name him Martin if you like.

But I am going to call him Frank.

- Well, we'll just see about that.

He's my son and we're gonna call him

by his right name.

- Well, you heard what the man said.

Put down Martin.

(zap)

- Pardon me. Could you tell me what part of

Los Angeles this is?

- Cleveland.

- Cleveland?

But I ...

The Cleveland Express?

The Cleveland Herald?

May 7th, 1945?

But I don't want to be here!

I mean, I shouldn't be here.

I mean, uh

carry on.

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin?

Uncle Martin. Mayday. Mayday.

Oh come on in.

Help!

- [Martin voiceover] Tim, Tim is that you?

- Oh, Uncle Martin am I glad to hear your voice.

- [Martin voiceover] I'm on decibel refractor again and

the connection is very tenuous.

So don't waste time.

Where are you?

- Cleveland.

- [Martin voiceover] Cleveland?

- Yeah. I think I pushed the wrong button.

I'm in Cleveland.

And it's May 7th, 1945.

- [Martin voiceover] That's not too bad.

Now listen carefully.

- Hold it, hold it.

There's a truck coming.

(car engine revving)

- [Martin voiceover] Tim?

- Hold it.

Hold it just one second.

Uncle Martin?

I think I goofed.

- [Martin voiceover] I'm already aware of that.

- Oh? Well get an aware full of this.

Martin O'Hara, former public enemy number one,

escaped last night from the state penitentiary where

he was serving a life sentence for bank robbery and murder.

Police are frankly baffled, but pledged they will

never rest until he is brought to justice.

- [Martin voiceover] Tim, I'm a wanted man.

- Oh well, maybe they caught you later.

I mean Frank.

I mean that's what it's supposed to be but

I changed the name to Martin.

- [Martin voiceover] If they didn't, the police are

still looking for me.

- Well, back to the ole county recorder's office.

- [Martin voiceover] Tim? Now don't do anything uh uh uh ...

- Uncle Martin? Uncle Martin?

- Hey.

You gonna read the paper?

Give me the nickel.

- Oh, the nickel.

I'm sorry.

Well, I don't seem to have any.

Look look.

Why don't you take this watch.

Now that's a very unique watch.

It not only keeps the time, but the

year the month and the day.

It's a very good watch.

Keep it.

- Hey, it says 1960 ... - Yeah yeah, I know that.

- Well the watch works very well, except that

it's 20 years fast.

Oh, you use that for rain?

Boy, I hope I know what I'm doing.

The way things are going, I could end up in

the Chicago fire.

(zap)

(zap)

- If I give you a nickel, will you promise to

buy yourself a good cigar?

- Where's Ralph and Martha?

- They went home, an hour ago.

- An hour ago?

Oh oh.

I must have set the machine too far ahead.

No, maybe I didn't set it far enough.

You see, what I wanted to do, was be here

an hour ago.

- You were here an hour ago.

- That's not what I mean.

I wanted to be here an hour ago,

again.

You see when I was here before,

well, forget it.

It's very hard to explain.

- Oh don't bother to explain.

I know why you're here.

- You do?

- Of course.

Your a fraternity man.

And your initiation requires that you drive a

civil servant out of his mind in one day.

(audience laughs)

(zap)

- Hello, operator?

Get the me police.

I want to report a maniac.

With a nutty looking toy that makes smoke.

(zap)

- Uh uh uh.

(zap)

(Tim screams)

- Well, I must say,

you certainly have a strange hobby.

Naming other people's children for them,

then ripping up their registration cards.

- Well I shouldn't have interfered.

Suddenly, I realized I made a mistake and

I was very sorry.

Now haven't you ever done anything that you

felt sorry for?

- Yes.

I'm sorry I got up this morning.

- Well, I can't help you with your problem.

I have to go out and find Ralph and Martha.

They can't name that baby Martin.

Oh Ralph! Martha!

Clarence is having a little problem.

I was sort of wondering if you could come in and help?

Now, we all got a little excited a while ago, and

well, we lost our heads.

- I suggest you speak only for yourself.

- I suggest that we forget that the whole thing

ever happened.

Kiss, make up.

- Well, I don't mind making up.

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps I was a little overbearing, Ralph.

I should have consulted you.

- There.

Now isn't that better?

- Why don't you go elsewhere to make your trouble?

- Well, I guess I know when I'm not wanted.

I'll just go back where I came from.

I hope.

- Alright. Child's name?

- Roger.

Roger O'Hara.

- Roger?

What happened to Frank?

- I decided.

It would be more appropriate to name our first one

after Ralph's father.

Instead of mine.

- That's awfully sweet of you lovey pie.

- But you can't do that.

I mean, it's already entered in the family album as Frank.

Well I mean, it's going to be entered in

the family album

as Frank.

- Do you mind?

Do you?

Child's name Roger O'Hara.

- Well, as long as it's not Martin.

(violin music)

(zap)

- Uh uh uh.

(zap)

- Hello again.

You know, this thing must need a 10,000 year check up.

- I thought you'd left.

I'm happy that you didn't.

- You are?

- Of course!

It isn't often that I get to see lapels like this.

- Uh careful Clarence, you're bending the material.

- Young man, I've been watching you.

And you need help.

- Well yeah, I do need help Clarence, but

I'm afraid you can't help me.

- Perhaps not, but these two nice men in the blue

suits will take you to some nice men in white suits

and they'll help you.

- White suits?

Hey, hey what is this?

- Is this the guy you called about Mr. O'Hara?

- He's the one.

He's been running around ripping up registration cards and

he's been making smoke come out of this little doo jiggy.

- Clarence, don't touch that thing.

I'll never get back.

Uncle Martin will ...

Clarence, don't touch that.

Don't touch that.

- What is that thing?

- Well it's a time.

It's a time.

Bomb!

Time bomb!

And it's gonna go off any minute.

(zap)

- Well don't just stand there, go and

turn in a fire alarm.

Go on go on,

go go go.

Oh boy.

Here we go again.

(zap)

(coughing)

I wish I could figure out how to get you back

in the factory.

- [Policeman] Alright buster.

Get your hands up and hand over that box.

We're gonna soak it in water.

- You can't do that.

It'll rust.

Wait, wait a second fellas.

I'm gonna level with you.

This isn't a time bomb.

No.

It's my Uncle's time machine.

I'm here from another time.

- And that time machine belongs to your uncle?

And what century is he from, the 21st?

- (laughs) No no. He's uh,

would you believe he's from Mars?

- Sure.

- Alright.

Now wait a minute.

Wait a minute you guys.

Now I know, I know you don't believe me.

But I'm gonna prove it to you.

I am going to disappear!

- Then after you've disappeared,

will you come along quietly?

- You think I'm kidding, don't ya?

Alright, well you just watch this.

Ha ha ha ha.

So long 1920!

Ha ha.

So long.

1920.

- Okay, you disappeared.

Now you're coming along with us peacefully, right?

- Uh, one of you guys have a screwdriver?

(zap)

- Only a sick person could have seen what just happened.

And since it didn't happen, then obviously

none of us have seen it.

Am I correct gentleman?

- 100 percent, Mr. O'Hara.

I didn't see a thing.

- Me either.

(zap)

- Oh here.

You know something.

That thing can get a guy in a lot of trouble.

- I tried to warn you.

Not to meddle with the cosmic scheme, Tim.

- Yeah, well I ...

Roger!

- Roger?

Who's Roger?

- He's Frank.

Well, no, I mean.

He was Frank and then he became Martin.

And now, he's Roger.

Look here.

Yeah, here it is.

Ralph and Martha.

Married in 1915.

Son Roger O'Hara.

Born Jan ...

Roger? It says Roger!

It used to say Frank.

How come it says Roger?

- Apparently you meddled.

- Well now wait a minute.

Do you mean to tell me that all the records

are gonna say Roger instead of Frank?

- Don't try to figure it out Tim, it'll only

give you a headache.

- Well, speaking of Clarence.

I mean headaches.

- What are you doing?

- I am gonna call Mr. Poppe and tell him

that I am the wrong Tim O'Hara.

- The wrong?

But Tim, what about the estate?

What about the money?

- Now who need money?

I have credit cards.

(audience laughs)

(whimsical music)

(Tim whistles)

- There's a story in the paper about the

reading of the will, Tim.

- The will?

Oh the will!

Yeah, I'd forgotten about that.

- Clarence inherited 50,000 shares of stock.

- Who cares.

- Worth $4.

- $4?

Boy that's 4 times 50,000 shares.

That's $200,000.

- No no no.

$4.

Your ancestor invested in the company that

made buggy whips.

There doesn't seem to be too much of a demand for

buggy whips these days.

- Do you mean all Clarence inherited is $4?

- That's right.

(Tim laughs loudly)

- I am going to go back to 1920 and laugh right in

his grandfather's face.

- Oh no.

- Oh come on, Uncle Martin.

I won't be gone long.

- You're never getting close to that machine again without

my permission.

(dramatic fantasy music)