Original subtitles

- Oh yoohoo, Tim!

Don't forget now.

You and Martin promised to attend

the Ladies Cooking Conversation

and Civil Defense League Buffet this afternoon.

We're having a four star general for lunch.

- Oh?

Baked, fried, or boiled?

(audience laughing)

- Oh Tim, really.

He's our guest not the main course.

- Well I just thought Mrs. Brown,

I've been chewed out by so many generals.

I thought I'd like to chew on one for a while.

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin, I'm home!

Uncle Martin?

(audience laughing)

You're--

- Spare me your power of description, Tim.

I'm fully aware my EWS is turning me on and off.

- Your EWS?

- My early warning system.

- You're kidding.

- Hardly.

A martian sense of humor is much too subtle

for us to resort to physical forms of comedy.

(audience laughing)

- Well look it,

you mean to tell me that you actually have

an early warning system built inside of you?

- Well now, what's so difficult to understand about that?

You earthlings have a much more primitive system

that functions along the same lines.

I believe you call it intuition.

Our sixth sense is naturally much more highly developed.

- Well I mean, I've heard of people popping off before

but this is ridiculous.

Sorry.

But listen, what do you think it is your EWS

is trying to warn you about?

I mean it couldn't be Mrs. Brown's general.

Could it?

Or maybe it's the Ladies of the Cooking Conversation

and Civil Defense League?

- I don't know.

The EWS simply makes me aware

that something drastic is about to happen.

(car honking)

(audience laughing)

- Hiya, sis!

How are ya?

(mumbles)

- Hey, Uncle Martin.

I wouldn't go down there right now.

In your present condition, that wouldn't be too wise.

- Don't worry, Tim.

I'm through popping.

Whatever I was being warned about

has just arrived.

(suspense music)

(beeping)

(beeping)

(quirky music)

(upbeat music)

(laughing)

- Oh Evan, my little brother.

It's so good to see you again.

- Oh now, now, sis.

Let's not have any tears.

This is a $200 suit.

Not one of those drip dry jobs.

- Oh, Alvin.

Martin, Tim, come on down.

I want you to meet my brother Alvin.

He's coming to spend a few days with me.

- We'll be right there Mrs. Brown.

A few days?

With all that luggage it'll take him

that long just to unpack.

(audience laughing)

- Martin, huh?

Well you must be the inventor

Lorelei is always writing to me about.

I'm glad we finally met.

You know, I got a feeling we can do

big things together O'Hara.

With the right idea, knowing how and where the market is--

- That'll be 8.75 mister.

Including the tip that I laid out for to the red cap

back at the airport.

- 8.75, right.

How about that?

I haven't got a dollar in cash on me.

I've been so busy I haven't had a chance to cash a check.

One of you fellas have a ten spot

until I can write out a check?

- Well, I--

- Thanks.

(audience laughing)

Here we are, there you go fella.

And for the meter, the rest is for you.

- [Cab Driver] Well thanks.

- Thank you very much.

Well now.

How about you fellas lending a hand with the luggage?

- Sure.

- Right, you grab those three.

Martin, you take the other three.

Lorelei.

(audience laughing)

- Tim, was it Will Rogers who said

he never met a man he didn't like?

- Mmhmm.

- Well, it's a (mumbles) he never met Alvin.

(audience laughing)

- Well I'm glad you asked gentlemen.

As a matter of fact-- - Now, now,

don't you monopolize the General, Alvin.

- Thank you, sis.

- I'm so glad you ladies could come.

You having a good time boys?

- Oh, it's great.

Thanks, Mrs. Brown. - Good.

- Well, I see Alvin wasting no time in cornering

the visiting brass.

I wonder what kind of line he's feeding him.

- I don't know Tim.

But when he's through talking, it wouldn't surprise me

if the general's discovered a new secret weapon.

- A new secret weapon?

- Mmhmm, Alvin.

Just point him at the enemy

and let him shoot off his big mouth.

(audience laughing)

(Alvin laughing loudly)

- Well I assume you have some important venture

brewing out here in Los Angeles, Mr. Wannamaker?

- Well now general, I'm afraid I am not at liberty

to discuss my plans at the present time.

All I can say is, it's big.

Really big.

Don't forget our meeting later, O'Hara.

- Isn't that the inventor

that Mrs. Brown introduced to us two before?

- Bright guy.

Very bright guy.

- Oh, so that's it.

You're involved with one of his inventions.

- Sshh.

- What is it?

Something for private industry or

something the government could use?

- Now, now, general we should not discuss

top secret projects at a Ladies Luncheon.

Pardon me.

I believe my sister's calling me.

(chuckles)

- That's strange.

I don't seem to recall any top secret project

involving an O'Hara.

- Unless it's locked in the Pentagon, sir.

This must really be big, sir.

- Well this is a fine (mumbles).

And we don't know anything about it.

You know Fred, we looked like a couple of nitwits

back in Washington when the lid gums off of this.

- Are you thinking the same thing I am, sir?

- Exactly.

We've got to cover ourselves and do it fast.

A few words to the press that we've been in

on this whole thing right from its inception should do it.

- Yes, sir.

- But Mr. Benson I've been on local news all week.

Now how can I possibly know

about any national hush hush project?

In the family?

My uncle?

Uncle Martin is heading up the project?

But but--

but Mr. Benson, I don't know of any.

The Express does?

An exclusive interview with General Rockland?

He's been in on it from the beginning?

Uncle Martin!

- Not only did Alvin coming spell trouble.

It's with a capital catastrophe.

- Yes, sir.

Yeah, I'm listening.

But--

the name of the project?

Jiminy.

No, no, no sir!

No, no, not Gemini.

I said, Jiminy.

J-I-M-I--

but Mr. Benson.

Yeah, you'd like an exclusive.

Yes, sir.

Well, I--

Hello?

Well, Uncle Martin, the Express

has a front page story on you.

- Mmhmm.

I know all about it, Tim.

- Well, what are you gonna do?

- Tim, why is it you always have the questions

and I have to supply the answers?

- Oh, come on Uncle Martin.

Invent something, anything!

Just so I can get my editor a story.

- Tim, one doesn't just invent things

off the top of his head.

Besides it has to be something of great importance.

If it's to be of any value to your country.

- Oh.

Alright.

How about a crooked scale

so they can finally balance the budget?

(audience laughing)

Uncle Martin, look.

If you don't invent something pretty soon,

anything at all, my writing career is going to be reduced

to signing the back of my unemployment checks.

- Well let's hope the consequences aren't greater than that.

- Oh brother.

I've been thinking so much about myself

and I completely forgot that you might be in the spot.

But Uncle Martin if Uncle Sam ever finds out--

- You'll be without your job and your Uncle Martin.

- Oh that--

that Alvin!

- Somebody mentioned my name?

- Oh Martin, isn't it wonderful?

I'm so proud of you and Alvin

getting involved in the government.

- Oh, they're involved alright.

- What part of the government

are you boys gonna be associated with?

- How does a federal penitentiary sound to you?

- Alvin, what in heavens name did you tell the general?

- I merely baited the hook.

The less they know, they more they want in.

- Into what?

- Well, any inventions your uncle's got laying around.

- Well, I just don't happen to have anything laying around.

- Well then, invent something.

Then we are off to the races.

- We?

- Well, I'm the one that got you started.

You're not gonna cut your partner out now are you?

- Well Martin, it was Alvin who got the ball rolling.

- Wannamaker, O'Hara, what in heavens name are you doing

standing around gabbing and wasting time for?

Every second you take off from completing Project Jiminy

can alter the balance of power in the world.

If it hasn't already.

- What are you gentlemen talking about?

- Take a look at this.

- Russia claims leading U.S. on Project Jiminy?

But that's impossible.

I mean, we don't have--

but there isn't any--

how could that be?

- Well, world politics makes strange bedfellows.

Or should I say, strange inventors.

- O'Hara.

- Yes? - Yes?

- Oh, I--

I believe that I'm the O'Hara you're looking for.

- Good.

I'm McArthy.

Department of Defense.

- That's just what we're gonna need is a good defense.

- O'Hara, we've been through our files,

we can't find the blessed thing on Project Jiminy.

However the important thing is that we have it.

- We have?

- We do have it, don't we?

You haven't sold us out?

- Oh, we haven't given it away.

Thanks heavens we haven't given anything away.

- Excellent.

Then you can be in Washington tomorrow

to report on the project and pick up your check.

- Check?

- The House Appropriations Committee

is meeting in special session tonight

to fix the amount for Project Jiminy.

I figure they'll come up with about 50 million.

- 50 million?

- To start.

- You're kidding.

- Well.

Perhaps a 100 million?

- A 100?

Uncle Martin?

- Mr. McArthy--

- Alright, O'Hara.

If it'll take a blank check to see that we have it first,

you'll get it.

Just be sure you're in my office in Washington

first thing tomorrow.

Good day, O'Hara.

- Good day.

- O'Hara.

(determined music)

- Saturn sainted ring.

I have a feeling Alvin spelled trouble.

- Oh, Martin.

Alvin had to leave with some gentlemen.

One of the men gave me this letter to give to you.

- Thank you, Lorelei.

- Well?

What is it?

His opinion to appear before

Congressional Investigating Committee?

- On the contrary,

Tim it's a note intonating a more drastic action by Crush.

- Crush?

You mean that outfit we got mixed up with once before?

- The same.

Crush.

An independent international organization

dedicated to no one but themselves.

And their purpose?

To take over the world.

- They've got Alvin?

- As you'll notice, Alvin is being held as hostage.

Until I deliver to Crush, all the plans of Project Jiminy.

- But Uncle Martin,

you don't have any plans to trade for Alvin.

- True.

However, even if I did, I would never allow myself

to be intimidated or blackmailed by Crush.

- Well I admire your courage

but we can't let Crush crush Alvin.

- I have no intention of letting Crush crush Alvin.

That is a pleasure I am reserving for myself.

- I never saw that before.

What is it?

- A martian's sentometer.

Now there's no time for long explanations

if we're to save Alvin.

- Yeah but how's that gonna help us?

- Tim, the letter from Crush instructs me to leave

the supposed plans at the gates to the Lakedale cemetery.

Even if I were to show up with phony plans,

there's no guarantee that an outfit like Crush

would keep their bargain and have Alvin with them.

- Now wait a minute.

That thing is going to help us locate

where they're holding Alvin?

- Yes.

Now if you'll run downstairs to Mrs. Brown's house

and fetch me one of Alvin's shoes.

- One of his shoes?

- Preferably one that he's worn for some time.

- Alright.

But that's the first time I've ever heard of using

a sole to catch a couple of heels.

- Very punny.

Very punny.

(audience laughing)

That does it.

- Do you mean to tell me that that mechanical bloodhound

sniffed out one shoe and knows exactly where he is?

- Naturally.

The process is comparatively simple.

The sensitivity of the smellophone

converts the individual scent into electrical impulses.

Broadcast them into the air

until it matches the same human scent and bounces back

like a sonar beam.

- Wow.

Well with one of those,

you'd never have to worry about getting stuck

with a mismatched pair of socks.

(audience laughing)

- Well, there it is.

- There is what?

- A telephone booth.

Crush headquarters.

I located them with my vibrational scanner.

- Oh come on, Uncle Martin.

I've heard a man having his office in a phone booth

but Crush is bigger than that.

- The booth is only the entrance to Crush headquarters.

Now hurry.

(suspense music)

(audience laughing)

- Now, to locate Alvin's exact whereabouts.

- Yeah.

(quirky music)

What are you doing?

You scared me! - Ssh, ssh.

- Ssh, ssh.

What are you doing?

- I'm merely setting up my intercerebral

telemonitoring system.

Now look into my glasses and tell me what you see.

- How about a couple of eyeballs?

And bloodshot too.

- Nonsense.

My telemonitoring system is in color.

Watch closely.

- Shades of coaxal cables.

Look at that reception.

And only an indoor antenna.

- Nevermind the editorial.

Just keep an eye on what's happening.

- Well, Mr. Wannamaker.

For your sake I hope Mr. O'Hara gets here soon

so that we can complete our little transaction.

- Oh yeah.

You fellas sure have a peculiar way at doin' business.

- I assure you, our ways and means are most effective.

Crush, my dear fellow, is an organization comprised

of the finest brain power and the most destructive weapons

known to mankind.

Observe.

(audience laughing)

The laser pistol which can cut through any object

regardless of it strength or thickness.

That along with many others

and Project Jiminy.

- Now look buddy, I know there's been a lot of talk

about that thing but-- - But.

If it isn't delivered to us by the prescribed time,

there'll be one less to talk about it.

(suspense music)

Yes?

- Boy is Alvin on the spot.

- Mmhmm.

And we'd better get to him before the spot is removed.

(sneaky music)

Just as I suspected.

There's an electric eye alarm

at the other end of the corridor.

- What are you gonna over one?

- I'll have to get our friends out of there

long enough for us to free Alvin.

- Hold on, wait a second.

(mumbles) we can get outta here.

Oh no, you don't.

Now you can disappear but me!

Me, they're gonna spot!

- Sorry.

I forget at times how limited earthlings can be.

- [Tim] Hey, what are you--

hey, hey!

Hey!

- There.

That should keep you out of trouble.

- [Tim] Yeah.

Unless there's some low flying eagles around.

Hurry up.

(alarm blaring)

- Quickly.

We have unwelcome visitors.

(sneaky music)

- Come on.

- Hey, Martin!

Hey, how did you guys get here?

- Nevermind the 20 questions.

Time is of the essence.

Alright, now come on.

For heavens sake, Alvin.

Come on! - Hey, wait a minute!

Take a look at what these guys have here.

With your know how O'Hara,

we can copy some of these things and make a fortune!

- Well, gentlemen.

You should have known better than to try to outsmart Crush.

What annoys me most is the lost time

and inconvenience you've caused me.

Now, Vincent and I must dispatch ourselves

to your residence to find the plans.

And we will.

If we have to take everything apart piece by piece.

- Uncle Martin, if they go to the house.

- They won't find any plans for Jiminy

but they will find my spaceship

and the rest of my martian equipment.

Not only is my identity at stake, Tim

but my equipment in the hands of Crush

could help them take over the world.

- What can you do?

- To alter one of my quotations,

the finger is mightier than the sword.

- As soon as I have your plans,

I'll be back to show you the plans I have.

For you.

- I'm afraid you're too late.

You've already been exposed to my hallucinary gas.

- Hallucinary gas?

- Your what?

- I have to have some excuse for what Alvin

and these gentlemen are about to experience.

I released from my wristwatch ejector moments ago.

It should take effect any moment.

- Don't show them how it works O'Hara.

If it's any good, they'll steal it.

- I'm sorry Alvin but you'll have to suffer through it

with them.

Only Tim and I took the antidote.

- Pay no attention to them.

It's a trick.

- On the contrary.

This is the trick.

- Hey!

Hey!

We're off the ground!

- I'm seeing things.

- Hallucination.

- Get us down or I'll shoot.

- But sir, it's all in your mind.

See.

- I don't believe it.

- Of course, it's all in the way you look at it.

(suspense music)

(squeals and yells)

- Oh listen, I'm sorry we have to run

but you fellas hang around if you like.

- Look at those guys.

In a phone booth!

Martin, where are we going now?

- Don't worry, Alvin.

The affects of the gas will wear off.

Now that you can breathe fresh air again.

- Wow.

- Well Uncle Martin, you saved the day.

- It's not today I'm worried about.

It's tomorrow.

(regal music)

- Uncle Martin, I don't understand.

What have you got in the box?

- You'll see just as soon as the Russian (mumbles) arrives.

- Whatever it is.

Letting the Russians in on it?

- Now you listen to me McArthy.

If you think that you can intimidate my country

with your Project Jiminy over our Project Jiminy--

- Nobody's intimidating anybody, Vladimir!

The whole is this O'Hara's idea.

I don't like it either but he's in charge of the project.

- Nevertheless, ours is better than yours.

- Is that so? - Da!

- We'll see about that.

Okay, O'Hara.

Show him.

- Are you sure that you want to let him see it?

- Tim, Project Jiminy is a project I intend to demonstrate

for the peace of the world.

Peace is not the sole property of any one nation

but all nations.

This, gentlemen, is what you have been fighting about.

- Well!

- It's an empty box.

- Da.

And besides, there is nothing in it.

- Exactly.

Nothing.

It's just what you gentlemen have been fighting about.

- Oh it's true.

Nations do have points of disagreement with other nations.

But most of the time the cold wars and threats

are based solely on accusations over nothing really.

If they'd only take the lid off the box.

Shall we go, Tim?

- He's crazy, no?

- Maybe.

Maybe not so crazy as we think.

- Now listen.

You fellas ought to see his hallucinary gas.

One whiff of it and things fly around the room.

People get caught up on walls.

I tell you--

- But he's crazy, yes.

- Da.

(audience laughing)

- [Both] Some people never learn.

(audience laughing)

(quirky music)