Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

- What's the matter?

- Why, does it show that much?

- Well you look about as dismal as a bloodhound

with a head cold. (audience laughing)

- I've been reduced to writing the obituary column.

- What happened?

I'd read your mind, but my hands are full.

(audience laughing)

- Well I missed out on the biggest news story

of the year.

I was having lunch with Lulubelle,

and right across the street,

there was a two million dollar jewel robbery.

The entire Baudelaire collection.

By the time we got over there,

every reporter in town was there.

- But did you hear the police sirens?

- I was having lunch with Lulubelle.

- Lulubelle must be some girl.

- Yeah, wanna see her picture?

- Uh, never mind, Tim, I think I get the picture.

(audience laughing)

- Well if only I could have that lunch hour

to live over again.

Hey, Uncle Martin? I can.

Your time machine.

- My CCTBS?

It's too risky to be used on frivolous things.

- Frivolous?

Look, we're talking about my bread and butter.

The only step below obituaries,

is the unemployment line. (audience laughing)

Anyway, I don't wanna go back in history.

I just want to go back to noon time.

- I don't think so.

It's too dangerous for Earthlings

to know what's going to happen next.

- Well now how could it possibly hurt me

to know what's gonna happen next?

I've been watching TV re-runs for years.

(audience laughing)

(beeping)

(slow, ominous music)

(beeping)

(upbeat music)

(upbeat music)

You'll never regret this, Uncle Martin.

- I already do.

- Listen, this is going to be the scoop of the year.

I can see it now.

I was an eyewitness to a two million dollar

jewel robbery, an exclusive account by Tim O'Hara.

That's gonna make the front page, the story and picture.

See, I even brought my camera.

- Present century, this year, this day, but what time?

- I wonder what kind of a bonus there'll be?

A thousand? 500?

- Tim, please, not while I'm setting the time.

I almost sent you back to 1500 BC.

(audience laughing)

12:20.

Are you ready?

- I will never forget you for this, Uncle Martin.

- Oh, I'm glad you reminded me.

I must attach this cerebration electron memory shield,

so you won't forget why you were sent back.

- For this one thing, I could be set for life.

Hi there.

Oh excuse me, I...

Keep a sharp eye. (audience laughing)

- May I assist you, sir?

- Oh yes, yes.

I was interested in the Baudelaire collection.

- Oh certainly, sir, if you will kindly

step in this direction.

Indeed a dazzling array of precious gems.

Are you familiar with the history of the collection, sir?

- No, no I'm not.

But I have a very good idea as to its future.

(audience laughing) - Indeed.

- Wow, what a haul.

- I beg your pardon?

- Well what I mean is, this all must be worth

an awful lot of money.

- Indeed it is, in excess of two

and one half million dollars.

- Two and a half million dollars?

Wow.

That's a lot of loot. (audience laughing)

Has anyone ever held this place up before?

(audience laughing)

- Before?

- Well, maybe I shouldn't have said that.

You see, what I meant was...

Oh.

Oh, well you see this is a camera.

I was gonna take pictures of...

I think, maybe I better wait outside.

(audience laughing)

(slow, tense music)

- Well nice of you have it all open and waiting.

- I don't know them.

- Be a good fella and empty those into here.

(audience laughing)

(tense music) (people exclaiming)

(tense music)

- Hey, my picture.

- I got one, I got one.

- Where?

- This is the look out man.

- I heard him.

He said this would set him up for life.

- What?

No, I'm a newspaper man.

Look, I can prove it, I'll show you my press card.

Let me just show you my press--

- I knew it.

- Anyone know if they have a newspaper

that they publish in San Quentin?

You're very strong.

But Detective Brennan, me?

A jewel thief?

Well that's ridiculous.

I mean...

That's even laughable.

- This is a very serious charge, O'Hara, grand theft.

- Well you know I'm not a crook.

I mean, what would I do with the jewels?

Half the time, I don't even wear a tie tack.

(audience laughing)

- I want you to tell me the whole story

because believe me, I want to help you.

- Well I'd be glad to, because I know--

- Starting with what you were doing

hanging around the scene of the crime.

- Oh, well that's easy.

You see, I already got a picture of--

Oh, no, no, I mean I went over to...

I just happened to go by because...

I think you're right, I need help.

Listen, why don't you talk to Uncle Martin,

because this is all so confusing and

if you won't listen to me, perhaps you'll listen to him.

- Why? What does he know?

- Oh, nothing.

I mean he knows a lot about a lot of things--

- Tim, I thought this didn't sound like you?

- What do you mean by that?

- It was that fagan.

That fagan you live with who forced you into it, wasn't it?

- Huh?

- Home all day, no visible means of support.

- [Tim] But--

- Oh, I should've recognized that devious mind at work,

twisting you, bending you to his evil ends.

- Uncle Martin?

- Now I want you to tell old Bill the real truth.

After all, to believe that story of yours,

wouldn't I have to be pretty stupid?

- (chuckling) I refuse to answer that,

on the grounds that it might antagonize a police officer.

(audience laughing)

I told them who the crooks were,

all you have to do is catch 'em.

If anybody wants to.

- Oh yes, the real crooks as you call them.

You gave us an excellent description.

These the men?

- [Tim] Yeah, I'd know them anywhere.

- Roger the Rake and Slippery Sam,

two of the most notorious jewel thieves on three continents.

- Well, that's that.

- Beautiful planning.

Unfortunately your Uncle Martin should've

been a little more thorough.

- What do you mean by that?

- Roger the Rake and Slippery Sam

are presently serving prison sentences

for breaking and entering.

- They're in jail? (audience laughing)

- For the last 362 days and the next four more.

So you see, they couldn't have robbed

Lorraine Jewelers today.

- Uncle Martin.

- How did you get in here?

Under arrest, I hope.

- I'd hate to disappoint you,

but I'm here on my nephew's behalf

as an amicus curiae, friend of the court.

- Take a tip, O'Hara.

I think you're going to be needing the friend,

because right now I have a pretty good idea

who's the real mastermind behind this caper.

- Careful, Brennan, or you may end up getting sued.

- May I ask on what grounds?

- Impersonating a detective. (audience laughing)

Now, if you'll excuse me, I should like to avail

myself of the legal right to confer privately

with my nephew.

- Don't think you're making a fool of me, O'Hara.

- Why should I?

When you have such a perfect do it yourself kit.

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin, Brennan says the

two crooks that I saw are still in jail.

Now if they are, how could they possibly--

- I don't know, yet.

But let's make certain that they are the men

you saw robbing Lorraine's.

- Well now how are gonna do that?

- But putting the futuroid camera in reverse,

making it a pasteroid camera,

so we can take a picture of the actual robbery.

- Oh, I see.

Sort of an on the spot picture.

Taken off the spot.

- Now, just stay where you are for a moment.

Now...

- [Tim] I was right.

This proves it.

- To us.

Unfortunately, we can't show this picture to the police.

- Well we've gotta show them something

to get me out of here.

- I know.

We can get you out, temporarily at least,

by posting bail.

- Oh, can't you come up with something

just a little bit more permanent than that?

- In due time.

First I have to do something that would absolutely

delight Lieutenant Brennan if he ever found out.

- What?

Go back to Mars? (audience laughing)

- No, become a jail bird. (audience laughing)

(slow, ominous music)

(rattling) (audience laughing)

Hey, screws.

Ain't no tin can jail gonna hold Soupy Stanley.

Crummy screws.

Fake screws!

What are you looking for? The parole board?

- Cameras.

You gotta be makin' a 1935 movie.

(audience laughing) (rattling)

- Must you? (audience laughing)

- What?

- I said, must you?

- You a trustee?

- Of course not.

- You sure talk like a trustee.

(audience laughing)

- Now if you don't mind, I'd like

to listen to the radio.

- Hey Mac, how's about you and me bustin'

out of this no good crummy tin can, huh?

- No thanks, killer.

We'll be gettin' outta here in three days, anyway.

Through the front door.

- In three days?

No kiddin', eh?

Hey, you wanna knock off a vault?

I know a beautiful, overstuffed vault,

just beggin' to blow.

Now, I'll...

- No thank you. Shh!

(audience laughing)

- You sure you ain't a trustee?

- [Radio] And on the crime front, the police

have no further trace of the missing jewel thieves

who escaped with a record two million in gems yesterday.

It is thought that they may be over the boarder by now.

- Ha ha, the think we went over the bo--

Excuse me .

- [Radio] Stocks showed a steady gain today.

(bell ringing)

(upbeat music)

- Three more days of this kinda eats,

then it's oysters Rockefeller.

(hitting) Excuse me.

(upbeat music)

(buzzing)

(phone dial clicking) (audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Hello?

Oh hi there Lulubelle.

- Lulubelle?

I take it there's someone in the room

and you can't talk.

- That's what I like about you Lulubelle,

you sure know how to take it. (audience laughing)

- No matter, I'll do the talking.

Our two suspects managed a perfect alibi

by escaping through a loose cement block

in the cell floor, robbed Lorraine's,

hid the jewelry, and got back before they were discovered.

To exonerate you, we've got to let Brennan

catch them with the loot red handed.

And I intend to set that up tonight.

- But Lulubelle, don't you think your two friends

are sort of locked into the idea of staying home?

- That's my problem.

To get them to want to escape again.

- Well I call that a break (laughing).

- They'll be heading for Sherman Woods,

so at 10 PM, I want you to be waiting

a quarter of a mile up the west road inside the woods.

Brennan of course will be tailing you.

Just be sure you don't lose that

overblown parking meter reader.

- Now, now, Lulubelle (laughing)

flattery will get you nowhere.

- I guess you two would like to be alone.

You and Lulubelle.

(upbeat music)

- Listen, Lulubelle, I mean Uncle Martin.

Our friend is gone, and believe me,

he has no idea he's being used.

No, I completely pulled the wool over his eyes.

Oh now come on, Uncle Martin.

Have you forgotten that theater arts

was one of my majors at UCLA? (audience laughing)

- I'm positive the suspect will be rendezvousing

with his accomplice tonight.

And guess who's gonna be right on his tail?

He suspect that I suspect?

Captain, how could he?

Did you forget that theater arts

was one of my majors at Yale? (audience laughing)

(slow music)

- Don't shoot, Roger did it.

What, what's the idea?

- That's what I wanna know.

How's a guy gonna get any rest around here

with you shootin' your mouth off all night long?

- He was talking in his sleep?

- Yeah, like a stool pigeon in the DA's office.

Some kind of jazz about gettin' away

with a million bucks in gems and burying it.

(laughing) I'll say one thing,

you sure got big budget dreams.

- Yes, well why don't you just go on back to bed?

Sam won't be talking in his sleep anymore tonight.

Isn't that right, Sam? (audience laughing)

- Excuse me. (audience laughing)

- I hope so.

If there's one thing that keeps me awake,

it's a good robbery story.

(slow music)

- My dear Sam, do you realize you nearly spilled everything?

- How'd I know I was a sleep talker?

- We've gotta figure out some way to get him transferred

to another cell tomorrow.

- Maybe we could tell 'em he talks in his sleep.

(audience laughing)

- But tonight you've got to stay awake,

and I'm going to stay awake to make sure you do.

Now, lie back and start snoring.

Under no condition, fall asleep.

(audience laughing)

(snoring) (audience laughing)

(buzzing)

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

(buzzing) (tense music)

- Huh? What? What happened?

- I'll tell you what, you fell asleep.

And he found the tunnel, you must've done some more talking.

- You think I told him where we hid the loot?

- I think you'd better start carrying a silencer.

For your mouth. (audience laughing)

Let's hope we're lucky enough to get there

before our room mate.

Move, hurry.

- [Sam] Hey, Roger, it's dark down here.

(slow, tense music)

- [Roger] One, two, three, four, five.

Here.

Sam. (audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin?

Hey, Uncle Martin?

(buzzing) - Shh.

Where's Brennan?

Or did you forget this little melodrama

is for his benefit?

- No, he should be right now there.

I drove slowly enough to get pinched for double parking.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- Car 341, Lieutenant Brennan.

Have followed suspect to Sherman Woods.

Barricade Highway 56 and close in.

I am certain he's about to lead us to stolen jewelry.

As you know, captain.

- [Captain] Yeah, you majored in criminal psychology

at Dartmouth? (audience laughing)

- Over and out.

It was at Duke.

(audience laughing)

(upbeat music)

- That bird brain Brennan.

As usual, he's off on the wrong trail.

- After all the times we told him to get lost, he picks now.

(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

(audience laughing)

- If only Brennan's legs moved as fast as his mouth.

Your camera, it's our only chance.

Now, Tim, now.

(slow, tense music)

- Well we beat Soupy Stanley. - Yeah.

- Come on, let's go.

- Got it.

Now to write my acceptance speech for the Pulitzer Prize.

(audience laughing)

- May I remind you that you're still out on bail?

Or to put it another way, we're not out of the woods yet.

- Oh come on, Uncle Martin.

What freak thing could possibly louse us up now?

(slow, tense music)

- Don't make a move, I've got you covered.

Well, if it isn't the happiness boys of Maple Park.

Caught you red handed, didn't I?

- The law.

- Bury it, quickly.

If we're caught with this, we'll get life.

- Well if you'd just use your eyes,

with their magnificent 2020 vision,

and look in here.

- And give you a chance to pull a fast one?

O'Hara, what kind of an idiot do you think I am?

- I'd be delighted to give you a detailed breakdown,

if I had the time. (audience laughing)

For now, will you just take out word for it

that the real thieves are right in here?

- O'Hara, I wouldn't take your word

it was raining if I was standing in a cloud burst.

(audience laughing) (buzzing)

(audience laughing)

- Hurry up.

You're slower than your own brain.

- All set.

(buzzing) (tense music)

(audience laughing)

- What did you mean all set?

Are you crazy?

- I just got through burying it.

- You call that burying it?

Lucky you didn't become a mortician.

(audience laughing)

Now it's buried.

(slow, tense music) (audience laughing)

- You see that?

- I hope not.

- You think maybe we could've buried it on a bed spring?

(audience laughing)

(buzzing)

Gopher?

- I don't care what it is.

- I ain't stayin' to find out.

- This is impossible.

- Hey, this stuff ain't human.

I mean, it is human.

Hey, Roger, what do I mean?

- Give 'em up, give 'em up there.

- Please, take us back to jail.

- We confess everything.

Can't fight evidence like this.

- Lock 'em up boys.

Be sure and collect all that jewelry first.

I wonder what happened to Brennan.

- Well, it's good bye to the gray society.

(audience laughing)

- Congratulations, Brennan.

Those two cons confessed to the whole schmear.

You sure had the right hunch

about the two guys that were behind this whole thing.

- I did?

I mean, yes, didn't I. (audience laughing)

Oh, captain, this is O'Hara.

He's a reporter on The Daily Sun.

- Oh, of course, O'Hara.

Always glad to have the press on hand.

Be sure to spell the name right.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Brennan, it's distressing to see

how incompetent certain of our defenders

of law and order really are.

- Yes, yes.

I'd say that we have a valid claim for false arrest.

- False arrest?

O'Hara, uh, Martin, to him.

I know we've had little differences

in the past, but underneath--

(upbeat music)

- Good afternoon, Tim.

Or was that a bad choice of an adjective?

- You're looking at a Pulitzer Prize loser.

(audience laughing)

- Don't tell me your films didn't come out.

- Well if you must know, they didn't even go in.

- You couldn't have forgotten to put film in the camera.

- Wanna bet? (audience laughing)

- Tim, what am I going to do with you?

- That's just what my editor said.

I'm back in obituaries. (audience laughing)

- Then after all this, you ended up

exactly where you started?

Don't you believe now that you can't change your history?

- Yeah.

But, I'm a good reporter.

It's just that, I don't see--

Oh yes, I do.

- Yes you do, what?

- Uncle Martin, look.

If you could send me back in time, again, to yesterday,

I could load the film now.

And then I'd be--

- Yes?

You'd be what?

- Back in obituaries. (audience laughing)

(upbeat music)