Original subtitles

(vacuum running)

- Alright Mrs. Brown, now think.

Concentrate.

- Well I'm trying to Tim, but I keep hearing

this terrible buzzing sound between my ears.

(audience laughing)

(flute note)

- Is that better Lorelei?

- Oh my, yes.

Why it's completely gone.

But how did you do that? (audience laughing)

- Oh it's a trade secret.

You were trying to remember what you did

with my letter.

- Oh yes, well, I do remember the postman

bringing it this morning.

But you weren't home.

- That's right.

It was from the Geophysical Research and Review News.

- Well I wouldn't know about that Martin,

I never read people's personal return addresses.

(audience laughing)

I wonder if I could've put it in my sewing basket.

I'll go look.

- Boy, that is the worst I've ever seen her.

- Yeah.

Apparently she's very excited about something.

I've observed that her attention span shortens

in an inverse ration to the degree of her enthusiasm.

- Hm.

Well I, I wouldn't really know

what to say about that except,

(grunting)

she imbursed alright.

She forgot to bake these brownies. (audience laughing)

Hey, Uncle Martin?

Hey.

Uncle Martin.

Are you hatching a plot, or are you breaking

in a new set of wrinkles? (audience laughing)

- Oh no, no.

I was considering taking a calculated risk.

- What kind of calculated risk?

- I have a supply of concentration pills in my space kit.

If I can induce Lorelei to take one,

then immediately mention the letter,

she will concentrate on that and remember immediately

where she put it.

- Well for Pete's sake, what are we waiting for?

- Ah.

If anything goes wrong on the timing,

she'll concentrate on whatever first catches her attention,

to the exclusion of all else.

- What could possibly go wrong,

with you right here, in complete control. Come on.

(flute music)

- What is this Martin?

- A simple little pill Lorelei,

which can calm your nerves, so you can concentrate.

- Oh.

Like an aspirin. (knocking)

Oh, someone's at the door, excuse me.

(upbeat music)

- You're not ready yet Lorelei?

- Oh, that's where it is.

Excuse me Bill.

(audience laughing)

I'll be right back.

I know now where I put the letter. (audience laughing)

- What was that all about?

- Well Uncle Martin just received a very important letter

and Mrs. Brown, can't remember where she put it.

- Oh really?

From a creditor no doubt. (audience laughing)

Threatening to sue?

- On the contrary Mr. Brennan.

I have been expecting a modest fee for some material

I submitted, to an Esoteric Periodical.

- Don't tell me.

Let me guess.

Horror Monster Comics Magazine. (audience laughing)

- No, but when you're through with your copy,

I should like to see it.

I understand there's an excellent likeness

of you on the cover. (audience laughing)

- I knew where it was all the time, Martin.

I just couldn't think of it.

- Thank you.

- The minute I saw Bill standing at the door, I remembered.

- Well maybe that's because he reminds

you of a reject, from the dead letter office.

(audience laughing)

- Oh no, silly.

Bill and I are going out this evening,

and I knew that you and Martin wouldn't be home

until this evening.

So I put the letter in my evening bag.

- Oh that makes sense.

I guess. (audience laughing)

- Oh.

They're gonna give Bill an Award of Merit

for being such a fine policeman tonight.

And I'll be so thrilled an excited,

maybe I better just keep this,

just in case.

Well that is, if you don't mind Martin.

- Mind?

Oh why should I mind?

(violin music)

- Well you look like you just lost your best pill.

- No, not my best.

But certainly my most dangerous,

if Lorelei happens to take it at the wrong moment.

(beeping)

(martian music)

(upbeat music)

(tranquil classy music)

- My goodness, I don't know when I've had

such a wonderful evening.

Oh imagine me.

A real honest to goodness honorary deputy police officer.

- (laughing)

- I think it was awfully sweet of your chief

to appoint us ladies as deputies.

- Only a small token of the esteem,

which we all hold American women with an ID.

- Uncle Martin,

I'd feel a lot better if you didn't try

to pull off this purse snatching bit,

in front of a hundred cops.

- I'm not purse snatching.

I'm merely trying to reclaim what is rightfully mine.

- What's the big hurry?

Can't you wait until there aren't so many witnesses?

- There won't be any witnesses.

And as I have already explained,

if Lorelei takes that pill at the inopportune moment,

it could well have dire consequences for all of us.

- Awarded to William Brennan, lieutenant of police,

from Meritorious Service above and beyond the call of duty.

Oh Bill, I am so proud and happy!

- Thank you Lorelei.

- Bill, it's all been so thrilling.

Your plaque and my badge and everything.

Well, I'm so excited, I don't, oh of course,

why didn't I think of that before!

- Think of what dear?

- Martin's pill, it's suppose to calm you down.

- Oh you got it.

Don't look now, but somebody punched a hole

in your concentration pill. (audience laughing)

- That is not my concentration pill.

It's a candy mint.

It must have the same specific gravity as the pill.

- Oh. (audience laughing)

But it's good though. (audience laughing)

(ominous music)

- I just remembered something.

- Oh?

(tongue smacking)

- Is something wrong?

- There most certainly is.

Where's your citation book?

- My citation book?

- That little pad you carry around

when you give tickets to people.

- We aren't required to carry them off duty.

But, ever since I was a little lad,

I have followed the boy scout motto, "Be prepared."

- Thank you. (audience laughing)

- Lorelei, that is police property,

you can't write on that.

- Oh yes I can.

I'm writing you a ticket. (audience laughing)

- You are writing me a ticket?

- That's right.

You parked your car in a bus zone

when we got here tonight.

I saw you, so don't try to deny it.

(audience laughing)

- How about that.

He's the boy scout, and she's doing the good turn.

(audience laughing)

- Don't laugh Tim.

This could be pure disaster.

- Oh, I don't see how.

I mean a little sullen concentration

never hurt anybody. (audience laughing)

Except detective Brennan.

- It isn't detective Brennan I'm worried about.

- There you are Bill.

Pay it in good health.

- Lorelei, you can't do that.

You absolutely no.

- Ah, ah, ah, never argue with a police officer Bill.

You told me that yourself.

Uh, one, two, three, four,

five, six, seven, eight, nine,

- What are you doing now? - 10.

Hmm?

Oh, you see that little sign over there?

It says it's illegal for more than 300 persons

to occupy the room at the same time.

If there are more than that,

we'll have to give everybody a ticket.

- Lorelei, even if that were true,

it isn't their responsibility.

- Ignorance of the law is no excuse.

(audience laughing)

Oh, I hope you brought an extra citation book,

we may need it. (audience laughing)

- You know uncle Martin,

I think she'd do it.

- Of course she would.

Her powers of concentration are now focused

exclusively on law enforcement.

And Tim, that is not

infrequently a very dangerous occupation.

(upbeat music)

(whistle blowing)

- Shame on you Tim.

A litter bug. (audience laughing)

Oh, well Mrs. Brown, I just got home.

I decided I wanted a piece of gum and.

What are you doing?

- Writing you a ticket for litter bugging.

It's against the law. (audience laughing)

- But Mrs. Brown, I just, I, I'll pick it up.

Look, see, there, there it is, I picked it up, see.

- Too late. (audience laughing)

- Now Mrs. Brown.

Mrs. Brown this isn't fair,

I mean I work hard all day and then I come home,

and I certainly don't expect.

What are you doing now?

- Writing you another ticket.

Your registration isn't in plain sight.

- Well it certainly is,

it's right there in the steering post.

- Yes, but you very negligently let it slide around,

so that it is no longer in plain sight.

Now the law clearly states,

that it should be in plain sight at all times.

There you are.

- Now Mrs. Brown, I think you've carried this

just a little bit too far.

I have no intention of standing here

while you write me. (whistle blowing)

What did I do now?

- My.

- What are you doing?

Why, why am I getting another ticket?

- You were resisting an arrest by an officer of the law.

Well, I uh, I am very terribly sorry, officer.

And it won't, it won't happen again.

- Well I should certainly hope not.

Why you could get in trouble. (audience laughing)

May I, may I go now, officer?

- Why of course Tim, don't let me stop you.

- Thank you very much.

(whistle blowing)

- Yoo hoo, Mr, you're jaywalking.

That's against the law.

(amusing upbeat music)

- Hello Martin.

Uncle Martin!

- I'm right behind you Tim. (audience laughing)

- Oh, oh there you are.

Well where were you, when I got these?

Three tickets.

Mrs. Brown gave me three tickets

right out of my own driveway!

- She's I know.

Lorelei has been spreading tickets the length

and breath of Maple Street all day long.

It's practically a disaster area.

(whistle blowing)

- Well do something.

Don't just stand there.

Do something.

- Well unfortunately, I can't.

The concentration pill is like Aspirin in one respect.

The effects wear off, eventually.

- Eventually.

How eventual, is eventually?

- In this case, I don't know.

- Oh, well that's great.

That is just great.

That is just Jim-Dandy.

How long do you think it's gonna be before the cops,

and I mean the real cops, come over here

to found out, why she is passing out phony tickets?

- Strictly speaking, they aren't phony.

- Well I don't care if they're phon--

Did, did, you say they're not, they're not phony?

(audience laughing)

Do, do you mean that they're real?

- Technically, yes.

Anyone can make a Citizen's arrest.

In effect, these constitute a Citizen's arrest.

- Do, do, do you, do you mean that, I, I might have to pay,

pay these? - Mhm, but don't worry about

it Tim.

Under the circumstances, I'm sure the Judge

will be lenient.

(whistle blowing)

(audience laughing)

My one big concern is Lorelei.

I don't want anything to happen to her.

- Well would you mind, being a little concerned about these?

Suppose the Judge decides not to be lenient.

We could be reduced to eating beans and hotdogs

for the rest of our natural lives. (audience laughing)

- How can you be concerned about food

at a time like this?

Lorelei went out this afternoon

and bought herself a Shortwave radio.

- Now you, are beginning to sound, like her.

What do beans and hotdogs have to do with Shortwave radio?

- She bought the radio to monitor police calls.

I'm just afraid that in her present zealous state,

she may answer one of them

and become involved in something really dangerous.

- Oh.

(whistle blowing)

If something happened to her, I'd never forgive myself.

(tranquil music)

(upbeat music)

Hello.

You're just going to bed?

Goodnight Tim.

- No uncle Martin, it's not goodnight.

It's good morning. (audience laughing)

- Morning?

So it is.

I must have dozed off.

- Well what are you doing sitting by the window?

- I was keeping an eye on Lorelei by mental telepathy.

She was tuned in on the police calls,

and I was afraid she'd go out on one.

- Well, she's probably asleep by now.

- No.

I'd better check.

Well I'll go heat the coffee.

- Tim.

She's gone.

She must have answered one of the police calls,

after I fell asleep.

- I wish I hadn't gotten up this morning.

But where did she go?

- I haven't the vaguest idea.

- Well you're a martian,

you're suppose to know those things.

- Tim, even a martian can't just pick up information

out of thin air.

- Well, you could try.

Couldn't you?

- Of course.

You're absolutely right.

- Yeah, well, what did I say? (audience laughing)

- I can try.

(ominous music)

It's going to require more concentration than I expected.

I better sit down.

(ominous music)

- What are you trying to do?

- As you know Tim,

sound is merely a physiological sensation

received by the ear.

It is caused by a vibrating source

and transmitted as a longitude and little pressure

wave motion through a material medium, such as air.

- Oh sure, everybody knows that. (audience laughing)

- Those sound waves are virtually indestructible.

Now if I can pinpoint the one's emitted

by the police radio, and recall them through

my audio sensory reactor, we may get a clue

as to Lorelei's present whereabouts.

- Yeah but uncle Martin,

those, those sound waves are thousands

of miles out in space by now.

- Which is precisely why I shall need absolute quiet.

Now I suggest you go and get dressed.

We may have to leave in a very big hurry.

- That's a good idea.

(ominous music)

(foreign language)

Uncle Martin.

What was that?

- I overshot the mark a little.

That was a shortwave broadcast of the 1964

Olympics, from Tokyo. (audience laughing)

If you'll excuse me,

I'll zero in on the police band. (audience laughing)

- [Radio Broadcast] Proceed to the corner

of fifth and Oak Streets, on a four, one, five.

Unit 38.

Code one please.

Unit 38, investigate a four five nine,

at two, seven, two seven, West Port Avenue.

Unit 12.

Attention unit 12.

Proceed to nearest call box for QT on code five.

Unit 12 acknowledge.

Code one.

Attention all units in vicinity of 24th

and Maple Parkway.

- 24th and Maple Parkway, that's just down the street.

- [Radio Broadcast] Repeat, all units, in vicinity

of 24th and Maple Parkway.

Officer's on scene, request assistance.

Armed and dangerous suspect, holding off officers in house.

Proceed with extreme caution.

Code six Charles.

Armed and dangerous.

- Hey, do you think Mrs. Brown is there?

- I'm sure of it.

That call was for all units in the vicinity.

And Lorelei definitely considers herself

an enforcement unit.

- Oh yeah.

A busy one. (audience laughing)

- And I'll get my hefty coat.

(suspenseful music)

- You're completely surrounded partner.

Come out with your hands up.

(suspenseful tone)

- Well this must be the place.

- I have every right to be here Bill.

I'm a police officer.

It says so right here on my badge.

- Lorelei the first duty of a good police officer

is to obey orders from a superior.

Now I am ordering you to leave this area immediately.

- Well, I don't think that's very nice for you to say.

Just because you're a lieutenant and I'm only a deputy,

I don't see how that makes you so superior.

- Lorelei, for my sake, go before the captain sees

you and breaks me down to a rookie.

- Oh, he wouldn't do that.

Why you're a fine police officer.

And if he doesn't believe it, you can show him your plaque.

(audience laughing)

- Think she'll listen to Philosphosidic there?

- I doubt it very much.

- Well maybe we'd better.

Martin?

Hey!

Uncle Martin!

Hey wait for me!

Where do you think you're going?

- That's what I'm suppose to say to you mister.

- What?

- Oh, oh, no I wasn't talking to you.

You see I am, I am a reporter for the Daily Sun.

- I'm sorry Lorelei, I must insist.

- Well what I can't understand, is why you don't

go in there and arrest that man?

He broke the law.

- Because he armed and dangerous.

- Oh, poo.

- [Captain] Brennan.

- Yes Captain?

- Who is that woman?

- Well she is a friend of mine Captain.

I would like you to meet (bell rings)

where is she?

- She went in that house, you idiot!

- In the?

Oh no.

Lorelei! (audience laughing)

Come here!

- Brennan come back here.

You wanna get killed?

Oh I'll have your badge for this.

You hear me Brennan?

I'll have your badge for this.

- [Martin] What is it?

- They both went in the house with the killer.

- [Martin] Just because I can't be seen,

doesn't mean I can't see.

- Yeah but what are you gonna do about it?

- [Martin] The only thing I can do.

Go in an rescue them.

- Wait a minute, I'll go with you.

Uncle Martin?

Hey. (audience laughing)

- What are you doing?

- Nothing sir, I was just leaving.

- Well do it.

- Yes sir.

(intense music)

- Not that way you idiot!

Not in there!

(ominous music)

- Uncle Martin?

(suspenseful music)

Uncle Martin?

(audience laughing)

- What do you think you're doing in here?

Don't you know there's a dangerous criminal in this house?

- Well it's no more dangerous,

that if my editor finds out that I was here,

and I didn't get a first hand account.

- Sh.

- Ah, don't, don't shoot sir.

I'm a friendly reporter.

- You're a what?

- A cowardly newspaper reporter. (audience laughing)

- What is this?

Next thing they'll be sendin up a caterer.

- Well I thought it might be,

interesting for my readers to, to find out

what it's like to be, to be trapped,

to be, to be fighting for your life.

- You mean you come up here to interview me,

while I shoot it out with the cops?

Hey, that might be a pretty good yawn at that.

You know I know something about Newspaper.

I was editor at the San Quentin Gazette for 10 to 20.

I got sprung early though.

You know the guy they got up there now

wouldn't know a good story from a hot rock.

- Well, maybe they'd be glad to give you

your old job back.

- Not if I could help it.

Now get on in there.

Keep them hands up.

Alright over there.

Come on, sit down.

Well let's see.

What we need is a good strong lead,

you know something with drama, with flare.

- Oh yes sir.

Well, how about, I spend the day in a dingy bedroom

with a desperate armed man.

- No, no no.

Now that's the one thing I demanded of my reporters

in the pen, honesty. (audience laughing)

This room ain't dingy.

It's a nice comfortable middle class place, right?

- Right, right.

Then uh, well, then uh, how about,

how about something like, today, I sat in a desperate

bedroom with a dingy armed man.

- Ah that's worse than the first one.

What you need is style and excitement in your lead.

Supposing we start off with something like this.

(whistle blowing)

- Mr. Carson, I am placing you under arrest.

(audience laughing)

My, just aren't you the clumsy one.

Now you just lie right there while I write you out a ticket.

(audience laughing)

(punching)

- Okay, there you go, go.

- Alright.

Son, it's all over.

You're covered.

Come on, up on your feet.

That's right, you can walk.

- You alight Lorelei?

- Oh yes, I'm ju--

Oh dear, I, I've forgotten which one of you boys

I wrote this for.

- I'll take that.

And this too if you don't mind.

- Oh well maybe you better.

I'm just so excited about everything that's happened,

well, I don't know what I'm doing.

Oh dear, do you suppose you uncle Martin

has any of those pills left?

- Oh I don't think so Mrs. Brown.

No that, that was the last one.

I hope. (audience laughing)

- I certainly could use one now.

- Coming Lorelei?

- What?

Oh yes.

Yes, of course.

(triumphant music)

- Uncle Martin.

Hey.

Uncle Martin, hey.

- Yes?

Did I miss anything?

- Did you miss?

What do you mean, did you miss anything?

- Why I was downstairs, I heard all this commotion

up here, and then I saw Brennan taking out Carson.

What happened?

- What ha--

Well what do you mean what happened?

Now you were right here when Carson flipped over.

Well you were.

Weren't ya?

- Was I?

- Oh come on uncle Martin.

You're putting me on.

- Would I do a thing like that to you?

(audience laughing)

- I hope so.

I sincerely hope so.

(upbeat music)

(typewriter tapping)

Hey uncle Martin?

You have any more of those concentration pills?

- What do you want one of those for?

- Well, I'm doing a followup on the Carson story,

and well, I guess there was just so much excitement,

I can't seem to remember everything.

- I have a better idea.

- [Carson On Radio broadcast] Now let's see,

what we need is a good strong lead, something

with drama and flare, you know.

- [Tim On Radio broadcast] Uh, yes, sir,

how about today, I sat in a dingy bedroom

with a desperate armed man whom.

Uncle Martin, hold on, not so fast.

- [Carson On Radio broadcast] No, no, no, no.

That's one thing

I always demanded

of my reporters

in the pen,

honesty. (audience laughing)

(upbeat music)