Original subtitles

(gentle music)

- So, then she introduced me and I said,

"That's quite a coincidence, Mrs. Brown".

I said, "You have two nephews,

"both named George and both of them are psychologists".

I said, "I guess you must have more brains than names

"in your family".

Well, anyway, he didn't even crack a smile.

He just looked at me like I said something intelligent

and then he wrote a note on that little paddy

he carries with him all the time.

- The notepad is to the psychologist

what the X-ray is to the surgeon.

- Oh?

Well, he'd better not try operating on me.

I'll break his pencil.

(audience laughing)

(zap)

(audience laughing)

Hey, it's a good thing you had your duplicating machine out

because that was the last of the cornflakes.

- Now, how long is young George going to stay

at Lorelei's house?

- Oh, I don't know.

You ask him a question and then he answers, with a question.

(audience laughing)

Uncle Martin, that's a cornflake.

Not a fortune cookie.

- I was just checking the molecular structure.

I have to make some permanent spare parts for my spaceship.

- Out of cornflakes?

- Of course not.

Normally the duplicating machine

makes only temporary copies.

They fade after a few hours.

I've adapted it to turn up permanent duplications.

- Oh, that's a good idea, 'cause it would be rather awkward

to have your snazlefrich sort of

fade out half way back to Mars.

(audience laughing)

- Indeed it would.

If there were such a thing as a snazlefrich.

- Well, anyway, before she left, Mrs. Brown said that

nutty George is working on a paper or something like that

for the Institute of Advanced Psychological

or Psychiatric Research, something like that.

(zap)

(audience laughing)

(gentle music)

(beeping)

(upbeat playful music)

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I forgot my sunglasses.

- [Clone] I'll get them for you.

- I keep forgetting him in there too.

(audience laughing)

- I can't tell you how upset I am about this, Tim.

For your sake.

- Oh, come on, don't worry about it, Uncle Martin.

It could happen to anybody

who has a real, live Martian living in his house.

- I don't know how long this little expedition will take.

Some years ago the Martian Geological Earth Survey people

pinpointed an undiscovered deposit of NAB2B4O7.

Which showed traces of CUSO4 near Denver, Colorado.

- Do you mean that will fix things

so that I'll be single again?

- Well, whether it will erase a permanent copy

I can't guarantee.

- You mean, that there's a chance

that there gonna always be two of me?

- Yes.

And quite frankly, I don't know if the world

is ready for two Tim O'Haras.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, well, don't you mean, is more of a question of

whether the world deserves two of us?

(audience laughing)

- By the way, if my mission fails

you'll have another mouth to feed

and another body to cloth indefinitely.

And I'm already burdening your generosity

just by being here myself.

- Oh, you know that's not true.

- Sure, you know how we feel about you.

- Thank you.

I'm also aware that anytime you wanted to

you could recoup all this added expense

merely by exposing me as a Martian.

- We already made an agreement on that, remember?

- Yes, I know.

I'm merely stating it as a preface

to saying I was extremely fortunate

to make contact here on Earth

with a man who is as honorable as he is generous.

Goodbye, Tim.

- Goodbye, Uncle Martin, and good luck.

- Goodbye, Uncle Martin, and good luck.

- Goodbye, Tim.

(audience laughing)

- So, would you do me a favor?

- Sure.

- Would you mind turning around for a second?

I always wanted to see the back of my head.

Handsome, viral, debonair.

(phone ringing)

I'll get it.

Hello.

Sylvia, hon, how are you?

Hey, that must be telepathy.

I was just thinking about you.

The beach?

Oh, hon, I'd love to but I can't.

I'm afraid today is a labor day for old Tim O'Hara.

Hey, hon, just a minute.

I think I got an idea.

I loaned my car to an old buddy.

Now, do you think you could come by here and pick me up?

Yeah.

Right.

Well, looks like you got yourself a beach boy.

Okay.

Bye, hon.

Hi, old buddy.

- I got the picture already.

- Well, I thought we might just as well

take advantage of the situation.

Look, one day you're on, the next day, me.

Share the work, double the pleasure.

Tim, you're my kind of people.

- Yeah, and in my book you are the greatest.

(whistling)

- How about that?

A one man mutual admiration society.

(audience laughing)

(knock on door)

Oh, great suffer, it's nutty George.

Well.

- Good morning, Tim.

I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

I thought I heard you talking with someone.

- Talking with someone?

But it would be impossible for me to be talking.

There's no one here but us.

- Us?

- I.

Me.

Well, you can see for yourself.

- I was wondering if I could borrow your typewriter.

I have some notes to transcribe

and Aunt Lorelei doesn't seem to have one.

- Neither do I.

(audience laughing)

Well, how about that?

I guess I was thinking about

somebody else's typewriter I don't have.

Bye.

(audience laughing)

- Very interesting.

From a psychological point of you

I would very definitely say he has a problem.

(playful music)

I guess I was thinking about

somebody else's typewriter I don't have?

(audience laughing)

- Hey, hurry up, I don't want you to be late for work

'cause I have a job to keep.

(whistling)

(playful music)

- All set.

- Hey, what are you doing

with Uncle Martin's personality alternator?

You wanna be careful with that thing,

it can change your personality completely.

- Well, it was just lying around in the bedroom

and with old snoopy George in here

I thought it might be better to store it down at the garage.

- Good thinking.

But then again, why not?

You've got my brain.

Hey, running late.

- Okay, I'm on my way.

- Huh, well, there's something

even the man who has everything doesn't have.

(audience laughing)

(playful music)

- Now, let's see.

How would Uncle Martin work this thing?

(knock on door)

- Hi, George, what are you doing here?

- Oh, Tim.

Well, your typewriter ribbon broke

and I thought I--

What are you doing here?

I saw you drive off to work a few minutes ago.

- You saw me drive off to work a few minutes ago.

Of course I drove off to work a few minutes ago.

You see, I remembered that I forgot something

and so I stopped at the corner

and left my car at the gas station

and then I ran all the way back.

- Which should we take with us?

The tuna fish or the egg salad?

- Oh, which did you need for work?

The tuna, the egg salad or--

- George, Sylvia.

Sylvia, George.

- Hi.

- Hello.

- Well, I thought we were going to the beach.

- The beach?

I thought you said--

- I'm just gonna go to work.

Yes, I do my best work at the beach.

George, I don't want to rush you or anything

but I'm sure you understand.

- Bye.

(audience laughing)

(phone ringing)

- Hi.

Oh, hello, Mr. Benson.

What?

What do you mean?

What did I mean by what I did?

What did I do?

I came to work.

I took my paycheck.

And I left?

I left, of course I left.

Mr. Benson, you see, I remembered

that I'd forgotten something at home

and so I came here to pick it up.

10 minutes.

Yes, sir, I'll be back in 10 minutes.

- I thought we were going to the beach.

- The beach, yeah.

Well, you see hon, I'm gonna have to go downtown.

I'm sorry but--

Oh, my car, I gave it to him.

Hon, I'm gonna have to borrow yours.

- My car, but I--

- Oh, sweetheart, please.

Right now just trust me.

I need a little faith, I need a little hope.

And I think later on this afternoon

I'm gonna need a lot of charity.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, Tim.

- Not now, George, I don't have time.

(audience laughing)

- I thought you--

Say, weren't you just wearing different clothes?

- Different clothes?

Why, I guess I was.

I changed in the car.

- In the car?

You haven't been gone more than half a minute.

- Half a minute, huh?

Well, I have to get better than that.

You see, I'm starting to be a quick change artist.

Say, is that young lady still upstairs?

- Well, I guess so, you just left by yourself.

- Yes, yes, that's very observant of you, George.

I guess that's why you're such a good psychiatrist.

Bye, George.

- Where is Sylvia?

You--

- Home, getting dressed for this evening.

We've got a big date.

Oh, we had a wonderful time at the beach.

- Oh, is that so?

Would you mind telling me what the big idea is?

Taking my paycheck, taking my girl?

- Temper, temper.

After all you can't things from yourself.

I'm you and you're me.

- Oh, no, we're not, not anymore we aren't.

- Oh, well then you notice the difference

in our personality makeup, huh?

- You could say that again.

Hey, did you--

Did you use Uncle Martin's personality alternator?

- Quite an improvement, isn't it?

Oh, by the way, things are gonna be

considerably different around here from now on.

- Different?

- We, oh no, I mean, I have taken it upon myself

to write a story that you would never dare to write.

How it feels to live with a real, live Martian,

by Timothy J. O'Hara.

I think the J sort of adds a little dignity.

Don't you think so?

Bye.

- Oh, brother, what am I gonna do?

Uncle Martin, where are you?

- [Martin] On television.

- On television.

On television?

How did you get in there?

- I'm not in here, I'm 35 miles outside of Denver, Colorado.

I'm merely employing a Martian variation

of your closed circuit television system.

- Oh.

- I thought I'd better check in.

I've been getting some very disturbing vibrations.

- You think your vibrations are disturbed?

Take a look at me.

Do you know what that, that reasonable paxillin has done?

He has stolen my paycheck, stolen my girl

and now, he not only intends to take over tomorrow,

but he's also written a story entitled,

What It Is Like To Live With A Martian,

by Timothy J. O'Hara.

- You're joking.

- No, no, I'm not.

He added the middle initial.

(audience laughing)

- I meant about him writing about me.

Now what would make him want to do that?

It's not at all like you.

- That's the point, he is no longer exactly like me.

Except physically.

He used your personality alternator.

- This is serious.

I still haven't found NA2B4O7 yet.

You're going to have to keep him from turning in that story

until I get back.

- Oh, don't worry.

He won't get out of here tomorrow

if I have to knock him out.

- Which won't be easy.

Don't forget, for every muscle you have, he has a duplicate.

- Now, how do you like that?

Double crossed by my own muscles.

Who is going to believe you?

Now, will you just tell me that?

Who is going to believe

that you have a real, live Martian living in your house?

You're going to try and sell them a story like that,

they'll throw you right on your rear.

- I have actual photographs of the spaceship right here

and I have other pictures of various Martian inventions.

- Anybody can take pictures.

All you have to do is go to a dime store,

buy a little tiny toy spaceship, take a picture of it.

And that's what they're gonna say you did.

- Well, not when I actually give a demonstration

of Uncle Martin's molecular separator.

- The molecular separator?

- Yes, you see, I put it in my car.

Of course if I need final proof, there's you.

- Me?

What do you mean there's me?

- Well, I went into some detail in the article

about how our Martian had created you by duplicating me.

- Dupli--

You're the duplicate, I am the original.

- Try to prove it.

(playful music)

- Good morning, Tim.

- Hi, George.

What's on your mind?

- I was wondering when we could sit down

and have a nice long talk.

You did promise, you know.

- Did I?

Well, how about right now?

- Now?

- Yes.

Yeah, we can talk on the way downtown.

- Oh, good.

(playful music)

- Well, of all the dirty, low down tricks.

I can't get near him as long as he has George

and he knows it.

Uncle Martin.

Uncle Martin, will you tune me in?

Just tune me in.

I'm vibrating like crazy.

Uncle Martin, you've got to do something.

- Kindly stop pounding on me.

You're giving me a headache.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, I'm sorry.

But listen, he's gone down to See Hear Magazine.

He's even disloyal to the newspaper.

He's gonna tell them that he's me and that I'm him.

And he took George with him.

And he also took your molecular separator.

He's gonna use that as evidence.

Now you gotta do something.

Can't you immobilize him or something?

- Not from this distance.

And your Earth transport vehicles are so slow.

I don't know whether I can get there in time.

You'll just have to follow him and try to stall.

- Uncle Martin, if anybody sees the two of us together,

it's goodbye Charlie.

- I'm afraid it will also be, goodbye Uncle Martin.

(gentle music)

- Tim, I thought you were still in with Mr. Abernathy.

- Mister who?

- Mr. Abernathy, the publisher of the magazine.

- Oh, that Mr. Abernathy.

You mean, I'm in there with him now?

I mean, I was in there with him now?

I stepped out for a breather, George.

- You realize, young man,

that's a pretty fanciful tale you just told me.

Living all this time with a disguised Martian.

- [Clone] I can prove it.

- And this you say is a molecular separator.

- Don't touch.

First the money,

then I'll give you a convincing demonstration.

- Quite frankly, Mr. O'Hara, my instinct

is to have you thrown out as some sort of eccentric.

- Suit yourself.

I'll just go down the street to your competitor.

- All right, Mr. O'Hara, I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll have a cheque drawn in your favor.

You understand that I can stop payment on it

and have you arrested for fraud if this is a hoax.

- It's a deal.

- I'll have to speak to the dispersing officer personally

about that large a cheque.

I'll be back in a few minutes.

- [Clone] I'll be here.

- Look, George, I don't have any time now.

I have to figure out what to do about Mr. Abernathy.

- Here he comes now.

- Who?

- Mr. Abernathy.

- Mr. Abernathy.

- Well, I thought you were going to wait in my office.

- Your office.

Yes, sir, well, it was getting a little stuffy in there.

- Oh.

Well, I have your cheque.

- Cheque?

- Yes, you demanded payment in advance

before you demonstrated that machine that you showed me.

- I did?

Yes, I guess I did, didn't I?

10,000$?

- Oh, wasn't that the amount you asked for?

- Oh, yeah, I suppose it was.

Give a dollar, take a dollar.

Oh, well.

- What are you doing?

- Mr. Abernathy, I have a confession to make.

I'm afraid that I didn't exactly tell you the truth.

As a matter of fact, I made up that whole story.

You see, I thought maybe you might be in the market

for a good science fiction story.

- Science fi--

Why, you confounded young upstart.

You almost had me believe in that trash.

- Trash?

Well, it isn't necessarily trash.

It could happen you know.

Except of course it didn't.

(audience laughing)

- Get out of here.

And never show your face in my office again.

- Your office?

Oh, Mr. Abernathy, why don't you take the afternoon off?

Why don't you go golfing or go hunting.

Catch a fish or something.

- Tim, I'd like very much of you to meet Dr. Mayrleen.

- Later, George, later.

(audience laughing)

- Tim.

Tim, where did you go?

- That was quick.

- O'Hara, I told you

not to show your face in my office again.

- Who, me?

- Not a minute ago, up in the corridor

when you tore up my cheque.

- Tore up your che--

Oh, so he's here too, is he?

Now look, this is nothing more

than another Martian trick, Mr. Abernathy.

That wasn't me, that was my duplicate.

It's all right in here.

- I don't wanna hear any more about your Martian tricks.

You take your junk and get outta here.

- If I could produce my duplicate, would that convince you?

- How do I know it isn't your twin brother?

- With both of us having exactly the same fingerprints?

- Come on.

- Tim, how did you get down here?

- Where did you last see me, George?

- You went around that corner and just disappeared.

- Oh, I did?

Well, I guess he must have ducked in one of those doors.

I'll have a check.

- Since you've been gone, it's gotten worse and--

- Uncle Martin, how did you get here?

- Fortunately I wasn't too far

from the Air Defense Command Base at Colorado Springs.

I boarded one of their Los Angeles sound jets.

Invisibly of course.

- Oh, well, I am glad to see you.

Because he's been nothing but trouble ever since you left.

He's down here trying to sell a story about you.

- Me?

You're the one.

He's not me, I'm me.

- See what I mean?

Ever since he got ahold of your personality changer,

he has been planning to become the permanent me.

- Uncle Martin, don't listen to him.

I am the original.

- I think we'd better put a stop to this

before he gets out of hand.

- Uncle Martin, don't let--

Don't, don't!

(audience laughing)

- Well, apparently your duplicate was unaware

that when the machine is reversed

it's reversed all the way.

The back of the scope does the work.

- That was a close one.

- Not really.

- Do you mean that you knew all the time that I was me?

- In all honesty, I must confess the thought crossed my mind

that possible you were the fraud.

However, the moment that he reached for the machine

I knew better.

The real Tim O'Hara is too tender hearted

to ever destroy a living thing.

Even his own image.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Just call me chicken.

- Perhaps I should.

After all, as a very wise man once told me,

the chicken is not infrequently the true dove of peace.

- And I feel certain, Mr. O'Hara, that

Dr. Mayrleen and I can do wonders for Tim.

I have been observing him very carefully

and he exhibits every classical symptom

of the schizoid dual personality.

- Maybe it's just a passing phase.

- No, no, no, no.

This is the fallacy.

In these cases the situation invariably worsens.

- I was just thinking about soup.

(zap)

(audience laughing)

- I don't know how good a psychologist George may be,

but he's right about one thing.

The situation invariably worsens.

- Dr. Mayrleen.

(audience laughing)