Original subtitles

(thoughtful music)

(fluids bubbling)

- Hi Uncle Martin, I'm home.

Well will you just look at this mess!

- [Martin] Sorry Tim,

I'll have things ship shape in a minute.

(audience laughing)

- Oy.

Well, my insurance doesn't cover hit and run blackboards.

(audience laughing)

(suspenseful music)

Uncle Martin?

- In the flesh, Tim.

- Oh no!

What happened?

(beeping)

(beeping)

(cheerful music)

(cheerful music)

(crickets chirping)

But, but how did it happen?

And don't tell me it's because you worried a lot!

- Worry may age humans,

but it doesn't do a thing to Martians!

I have actually aged 400 Martian years.

However, it's only temporary.

- 400 years?

Is only temporary?

- I'll gradually return to my old,

I mean young self within 48 hours.

You know, I have been making a study of old age on Earth,

where the aging process is much faster than it is on Mars.

- Oh you can say that again.

But to really understand the problems of old age, Tim,

one must experience them.

Come here, Tim.

On Mars, we have a process for aging cheese.

Now I distilled some of the essence,

took it undiluted, and it aged me.

- Aged you?

- Of course, there could be some side effects.

- Yeah.

Like rigor mortis.

- Stop worrying Tim, I'm fine.

- Yeah, but I still don't understand!

Now you look like an old man, but your mind,

well it's as sharp as it ever was.

- A Martian's mind is alert, no matter how old he gets.

My great-grandfather passed away at the age of 2000.

And we didn't know it, because his brain

kept right on working for another 100 years!

(audience laughing)

You can drop me off if you like.

- Drop you off where, well where're we going?

- Well we're going over to the warehouse store on Avenue C,

I've taken a job as night watchman.

- What do you need a job for?

- So I can be independent.

The first thing I've learned since I've aged Tim,

is that older people don't want

to be a burden to their families.

And you're my family, Tim.

The only family I have on this planet.

- You're a grand old man, Uncle Martin.

(audience laughing)

(light piano music playing)

- [Radio Announcer] We interrupt

this program for a news flash.

The latest in a series of daring robberies

has just been executed.

The famed Raja Sapphire disappeared tonight

from the Alsworth Museum.

We will bring you further developments as they occur.

(mechanical whirring)

(crashing)

(dramatic music)

- Yoohoo!

Anybody there?

(audience laughing)

- Well ladies, I too am sorry

to meet under such unusual circumstances,

but there's a law against breaking and entering.

- We only want to pick up a little something, Mr Ohara.

- There's a law against that too.

(audience laughing)

- These are our things!

- Well then why didn't you come in through the front door?

- Well you see, the storage room is under Mr Filbert's name.

- He manages our estate, you know.

- And this is it.

When father died there wasn't much money left.

But there were all these lovely heirlooms.

And they belong to us!

- Only now, we feel so useless with nothing to do.

So we decided to go into business.

- Blowing up warehouses?

- Oh no!

We found just the perfect little spot for a tea room,

but we need the money for the lease and everything.

- Well.

Some of these things look quite valuable.

Why don't you ask Mr Filbert to sell some of them

and give you the money?

- Well we did!

- He was terribly nice.

But he said it was and unwise investment at our age.

- Well perhaps Mr Filbert feels

that you are not capable of running a business?

- It can't be any harder than blowing out a wall!

Matilda whipped up her own recipe, too!

Didn't you dear?

- One teaspoon of glycerin,

a half a cup of TNT,

and a quarter stick of dynamite.

- It works just fine!

See all we really want to do is to take one thing

so we can sell it and use the money to go into business.

- I'm afraid I can't allow that, ladies.

(telephone ringing)

Excuse me.

Watchman here.

Yes sir.

Oh, Mr Filbert, oh!

Oh yes sir.

The management informed me that you would be dropping by.

I'll release the door, and you can come right up, sir.

(buzzing)

Ah, ah, ah, ah hold it ladies!

- But Mr Filbert mustn't find us here!

- He warned us that elderly people

who get into trouble can be ruled incompetent!

- And put away!

Oh, please let us go, Mr Ohara!

- Well, you won't bump into him if you leave now.

Over there.

And face the wall.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(knocking)

Right away Mr Filbert!

- Ohara?

- Yes sir, yes siree.

Martin Ohara, that's me.

- Good evening Ohara.

I shall be calling from time to time in the evening.

I'm otherwise engaged during the day.

- Yes sir, yes sir anything you say sir, yes sir.

- Very good, very good.

So I can see we shall get along splendidly.

And now, if you'll excuse me.

(thoughtful music)

Beautiful.

Indubitably, one of Tralini's better pieces.

And a fitting receptacle of the Raja Sapphire.

- Are you finished?

- Yes, thank you.

Good night, Ohara.

(audience laughing)

- You can turn around now, ladies.

- We can't thank you enough, Mr Ohara!

If there's anything we can do.

- There is.

You can give up your life of crime.

And let someone help you who's equipped to do so.

- But we haven't anyone!

- It so happens, I'm rather close

to a very remarkable person.

He can be most persuasive.

Unfortunately, he's not quite himself at the moment.

- The poor dear is ill?

Perhaps you can make him some of your lovely chicken soup.

- Nevertheless, I promise you he'll see your Mr Filbert

and talk up a storm!

- But suppose Mr Filbert still says no!

- We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

Now, come along ladies.

I'm late for my rounds.

Come on.

Come on.

(mischievous music)

(audience laughing)

- Just in case the chicken soup doesn't work.

(audience laughing)

(bright music)

- Ah, here's Mr Filbert's office.

- Well what do you want me to do?

- Well I thought that if we both talk to him,

we might be able to persuade him

that the Harvey sisters would be better off

if they were doing something useful!

- Oh I don't know, I think busting into warehouses

is sort of a nice pastime!

Keeps em out of the pool hall.

(audience laughing)

(thoughtful music)

Something the matter?

- I don't know yet.

I'm getting vibrations.

(creaking)

- [Tim] What is that?

- It's me.

When you get to be 850 years old,

you tend to creak a little.

(audience laughing)

- [Filbert] Eight, nine, 5000.

- Sheez, ain't you gonna gimme

no more than that, Mr Filbert?

- Benny you are without a doubt the worst cut throat

it has ever been my misfortune to meet.

- Me?

I ain't never done nothing like that, Mr Filbert,

I'm strictly a high class jewel thief!

- I was referring to your merciless slaughter

of your mother tongue.

- Okay, if you say so, Mr Filbert.

But it's like this, I seen in the paper where they--

- Benny, you saw in the paper.

- Yeah, I seen it in the paper!

Where this here I kiked for ya is worth maybe 100 grand!

Look, I know where we can fence the rock for 50 G's, easy.

- As I have explained to you before Benny,

I am not interested in fencing the various items you,

acquire for me.

I prefer to keep them for my own personal enjoyment.

- Mr Filbert, you're some kind of a nut, you know that?

I mean you're some kind of a nut!

- I prefer not to discuss

my personal idiosyncrasies with you, of all people.

- I didn't mean nothin', Mr Filbert.

I just got a big mouth.

(audience laughing)

- I see you admire the Tolomy Dagger.

So called because it was used in the assassination

of Tolomy the Lesser.

He was stabbed with it, in the trachea.

Thereby rendering him unable to talk,

and causing him to expire slowly,

and in excruciating pain.

- Geez.

I bet that hurt.

(audience laughing)

- He's some kind of a nut!

(audience laughing)

(purposeful music)

- Boy if that's the case Uncle Martin,

we're onto something really...

- Ladies.

You promised you'd stop breaking and entering!

- Oh just this once Mr Ohara.

It was important!

- That must be the young man who's going to help us.

(audience laughing)

- Oh, oh yes, yes, yes.

Tim, these are the ladies that I told you about.

- I do hope you're feeling better.

I brought you some chicken soup!

- Thank you.

I think.

- What was so important that you had to come here?

- We're terribly embarrassed.

- Especially after you were so kind to us last night.

Go ahead, dear.

- Well, after hearing the news report on the radio,

it seems we have acquired a,

what did you call it, dear?

- A hot rock?

(audience laughing)

(thoughtful music)

- Excuse us, ladies.

I have a plan.

- Well, I hope it's not a 20 year one.

You know that's what we can get?

For being caught with that thing?

- Don't worry, I...

- Well what'd you do that for?

- I didn't.

I'm afraid this is one of the side effect I mentioned, Tim.

I'm slightly magnetized.

- Swell.

Dermination is one thing,

but that kind of stick-to-it-ivness,

we don't need right now!

- We'll just have to chance it.

Now listen, we phone Mr Filbert tonight

and tell him we're fronting for the Avenue C Mob.

- The Avenue C Mob?

- That's us.

We'll tell him we'll put the snatch on the sapphire,

but it's too hot to handle.

We'll ransom it back to him for $10,000.

- Well you think he'll fall for it?

- Of course!

He'll go to any lengths to recover it.

He has what amounts to a psychotic fixation

for precious gems of historical interest.

- Hey Uncle Martin, have you been

doing a little moonlighting as a psychiatrist?

(audience laughing)

- The first thing he'll do, is go to the warehouse

to make sure the sapphire is gone.

And that's where we nab him, red-handed.

- Well how are we gonna nab him red-handed,

when we have the Raja Sapphire?

- Simple, we give it back to him.

- Oh! (chuckles)

(audience laughing)

(playful music)

- Right on schedule.

- Mr Ohara, Matilda and I talked it over,

and we don't think you should come any further

into this caper.

It's much too dangerous!

- What?

What am I, a cream puff?

- Of course not!

It's just that, if we get caught, we are rather old.

- And if they give us life in prison,

it won't matter much!

- But you're young, you have your whole life ahead of you!

We don't wanna spoil it.

- Well I appreciate your concern, but.

Well I can't let you senior citizens take all the risk.

(door closes)

(suspenseful music)

- Someone's coming!

- Alright, now you ladies wait here.

I'll go see if that's Uncle Martin.

- Don't be frightened.

- Uncle Martin, is that you?

- Yes.

Everything's all set!

Filbert's in the storage room, checking the cabinet.

- Hey, hey, just a minute!

- Great gallopin' gallitus, Tim!

This is no way to treat a man of my advanced years!

- That's the point!

You've stopped advancing, you're retreating!

You're getting younger, see?

(audience laughing)

(purposeful music)

- Tim.

It wasn't supposed to happen for another 12 hours.

What went wrong?

- I don't know, maybe you ate the wrong kind of cheese.

- I can't stop to worry about it now.

And I certainly can't let Tessie and Matilda

see me like this!

- That's a coincidence, that's what I was gonna say!

- Tim.

You're going to have to carry the ball.

- Oh yeah?

- It's a $100,000 ball, so be careful.

- Yeah, well, you too.

We just remember one thing,

you have to intercept the pass to Filbert.

So don't drop the ball, because we could lose the ball game.

50 years to nothing.

(audience laughing)

- Come with me.

Here's where I want you to bring the ladies.

Tell them that they're to be lookouts.

That'll keep them out of harm, but still feeling useful.

- That's good thinking.

- The minute you hand Filbert the sapphire,

I'll take over, wrap him up in a nice, neat bundle.

Then you and the ladies turn him over to the police.

- Check.

- [Martin] I'll be right behind, every step of the way,

so don't worry.

(audience laughing)

- I'll be fearless!

(purposeful music)

Hmm, I'm still magnetized.

(audience laughing)

Alright, if you insist.

Come on, but just don't get in the way.

(audience laughing)

- But I don't understand, Tim?

- Where is Mr Ohara?

- Well you see what we intend to do ladies,

is to surround him.

Now the plan is, for you two to wait in here,

as reinforcements.

Come on ladies, Filbert's not gonna wait forever!

Come on!

- Alright. (shushing)

(thoughtful music)

- Alright Uncle Martin.

Let's go get em.

- Do you know what I think, Matilda?

- You think the same thing I do.

- That we're being left out of it.

- I think so, too.

I also think--

- We're not going to stand for it!

(audience laughing)

There's someone out there.

- Maybe it's the elder Mr Ohara?

- Oh no, no, it's a much younger man!

(audience laughing)

It must be one of Mr Filbert's accomplices!

- And poor Tim is out there alone with them!

That makes two against one!

- Let's do something Matilda!

(purposeful music)

Thank you.

(audience laughing)

- How did you do that?

- I don't know!

Maybe it ricocheted?

(audience laughing)

- Let's see what else we can do to help!

- Look Jim, that pea shooter isn't gonna do you any good!

I'm fearless!

I've got protection.

- If you don't mind, I'll hold onto it.

I get a terrible feeling of inadequacy without it.

- Well, suit yourself.

- And now, the Raja Sapphire, if you please.

- I am warning you, Filbert.

You'll be sorry.

- Don't do that, don't do that!

That's a priceless gem, not a toy!

- Okay, catch!

(audience laughing)

- Behold its pure, pristine beauty.

Enjoy it a moment, my friend.

Yours and mine are the last eyes

that will see it in this lifetime.

- Oh, I wouldn't count on that!

Okay Uncle Martin, he's all yours.

(chuckles)

Uncle Martin, come one.

Uncle Martin?

(audience laughing)

- What are you doing?

- I think a fearless man,

has just come a devout coward.

(audience laughing)

(door closes)

(laughs) I just became fearless again.

I would like you to meet the brains

behind the Avenue C Mob.

(audience laughing)

(thoughtful music)

- Where were you when I needed you?

(audience laughing)

Here's one trick I'll bet you can't do.

(audience laughing)

- [Tim] You don't really wanna do this.

This is inhuman!

- On the contrary, my dear friend.

I can't stand the sight of blood when I shoot someone.

Now, closed please.

Thank you.

Now get inside!

Put your hands up!

In case you're not familiar with the history of warfare,

it was bullets that made those tin suits obsolete.

(bell rings)

(audience laughing)

- Uncle Martin?

- No, no Tim.

I'm over here.

(audience laughing)

- Who's your friend?

- A nosy knight, and nevermind.

As soon as I'm gone, you can release the ladies,

and I'll meet you back at the apartment.

- Oh, well what'll I tell the police?

- Just what we planned, (sirens wailing)

the ladies came to you for help,

you suspected Filbert was a crook, you had no proof.

But being an intrepid newspaper man,

you laid a trap and he fell in it.

- Ah but, they'll call about ya Martin.

After all, you're, well you're a hero to them.

- I suppose I am, rather.

Well, you just tell them that like all heroes Tim,

I prefer anonymity, they'll accept that.

(knocking)

Ooh, the minions of the law are prompt!

(suspenseful music)

Okay, come on if you're coming.

(audience laughing)

- My uncle, the knight.

(energetic music)

Say, did you know there was a $500 reward

for Benny's capture, too?

- Well I don't imagine Tessie and Matilda

will have to sell any of their heirlooms now

to open the tea shop.

- Not with the reward money they got

for recovering the jewels.

They want me to share in it, but I said,

this was enough for me, I didn't need any money.

Sometimes I'm an awful liar.

- Be of good cheer, my boy.

At least I got my research finished,

and my conclusions drawn.

- Like what?

- That old age Tim, is a state of mind.

Martian or human, we stay young as long as

we continue to contribute to life.

It's not sad to acquire years and grow old, Tim.

It's only sad if the years aren't used.

(cheerful music)