Original subtitles

(ominous orchestral music)

- Oh, good morning, Uncle Martin.

You been working on the time machine all night?

- All night, Tim.

- Oh. (yawns)

Pardon me.

Did you visit any interesting places?

- Well, I went to Milan in the year 1450,

(audience laughs)

to consult with Leonardo da Vinci.

- Oh, yeah.

That's the guy that painted the Mona Lisa.

- And first developed the principles of human flight.

I got an answer from him to a question

that has been puzzling the experts for centuries.

- What was that?

- He was tickling her feet.

(audience laughs)

- (laughs)

You Martians and your sense of humor.

- Well at least I succeeded in waking you up.

(audience laughs)

Actually, Tim, the machine is stuck.

- Stuck?

- Yes.

The time, 1870.

The place, the state of Missouri,

and that wouldn't help me.

I want to go back to the time

and the place just before my crash occurred

so that I can see what went wrong.

- Well, good luck.

Say, Uncle Martin.

Next time you visit Leonardo, would you ask him

to remind you to plug in the coffee pot when you get back?

So that when your nephew wakes up,

he can have a nice, hot cup of coffee.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, don't, Tim!

(explosion)

(audience laughs)

- What happened?

- The short circuit in that coffee pot

reversed the directional beam.

Correct me if I'm wrong,

but aren't you two gentlemen from Missouri?

- That's right.

- How'd you know?

- And the year is 1870?

- It was a minute ago.

(audience laughs)

(spooky space music)

- I was afraid of that.

Tim, I want you to meet two very famous brothers,

Frank and Jesse James.

- Well how do you do?

I'm pleased to meet...

(audience laughs)

Did you say Jesse James?

(intense orchestral music)

- And that thing he's got in his hand is not a trumpet.

(audience laughs)

("My Favorite Martian Theme")

Now, Mr. James...

- Call me Jesse.

- Now, I realize I placed you and your brother

in a very embarrassing situation.

- Now how do you mean that, Mister?

- Well, you see, this is just not your world.

You've been dead for a very long time.

- I have?

- About 100 years.

- (laughs) I thought it'd be hotter...

(audience laughs)

That's a funny thing to call a nice place like this.

(audience laughs)

- No, this is the United States 100 years later.

But don't worry, I can take you right back

to where you belong.

Frank.

- You want me?

- Will you bring me that machine

that's sitting on the kitchen table?

- Uh, yes, sir.

(audience laughs)

- Frank's a good boy.

I promised Ma I'd look out for him.

Alright, Mister, you say you can get us back to Missouri.

- I certainly can just as soon

as Frank brings in that machine.

- That's bread stickin' outta there.

(audience laughs)

- Well you must've caught it at feedin' time.

(audience laughs)

- The blame thing has two mouths,

and it's tail was stuck in the wall.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, Mister.

How do you aim to get us back to Missouri on that?

- No, no, Jesse, that's the wrong machine.

- Oh, I know which machine you mean.

- I'm beginning to think I should've brought back Nero.

At least we could've had music while the toast burned.

(audience laughs)

- Alright, Mister, how does this thing work?

- Well, it's all set.

All I have to do is to have you and Frank stand

in front of it, push that switch down,

and you'll be back in Missouri in a flash.

- Hey.

This is handy as a pocket in a shirt.

(audience laughs)

Yeah.

There's just one trouble.

- What is that?

- We don't wanna go back.

- What?

- What?

- What?!

- But thank you kindly for showing us what not to do.

- But...

- Frank, step into the kitchen with me.

We got some confabbin' to do.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- You fellas keep comfortable, hear?

- Alright, Uncle Martin, do something.

Levitate the gun or the time machine.

- Tim, these men are experts.

I can't even wiggle my levitating finger.

(audience laughs)

Let's see if we can stand up.

(audience laughs)

(knocking at door)

- Yoohoo!

Anybody home?

- No, no, no!

- What on Earth!

(ominous music)

- Alright, lady, inside.

Come on over there.

And you fellas, come on back to the divan.

Let's move, come on.

- Okay, hippity hop.

Hippity hop!

- Martin?

Tim?

Is this a hold up?

- Well thus far, Lorelei, the exact nature

of the activity has not manifested itself;

however, you would be well advised not to make waves.

- Alright, y'all sit down.

I got somethin' I wanna tell you.

(sultry orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

- Pardon me, ma'am.

Did you know somebody's cut off

the whole bottom half of your skirt?

(audience laughs)

- That's the way they wear them now.

- Golly.

Where you put the hoops?

(audience laughs)

- Perhaps I should break it to you, Mrs. Brown.

These two gentlemen are Jesse James and his brother Frank.

- Oh, Jesse.

Frank.

(audience laughs)

Jesse James?!

- I'll explain it later.

- But I thought they were dead.

- I thought we were too.

(audience laughs)

- Unfortunately, they're very much alive.

- And mighty anxious to get back to work.

- We're gonna hold up Santa Fe again.

- Again?

- We tried it once, and things went wrong.

- It ain't often fellas get a second chance like this.

- You'll never get away with it.

- Gettin' away with it is going to be the easiest part,

what with this little fella here.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- What do you know about that?

- Well, don't you remember?

You showed us.

- Can I take her with me, Jesse?

- Sure.

She can help carry the money.

(audience laughs)

- Martin, you've got to stop them.

- Now, don't panic, Mrs. Brown, we'll do something.

- You ain't gonna do nothin'!

You ain't even gonna be able to find us!

We ain't gonna stop in Missouri in 1870.

- What are we gonna do, Jess?

- Frank, there's a heap of money

and gold and everything else to be taken

when you got all the history to do your robbin' in.

- You mean like that Confederate gold

they said they had down in Richmond.

- Oh, that's only a beginnin'.

From there, we go back a few more years

to the Colonies and old King George's tax collectors.

- Hey, yeah.

- And then...

Then there's that Midas fella.

(audience laughs)

- And Salmon!

- Solomon!

- Oh, Solomon.

They said he married rich.

- Yeah.

(audience laughs)

- But how is it possible to...

- It's possible, Mrs. Brown.

(audience laughs)

It's possible.

(car engine)

- They got Mrs. Brown.

- And her car.

And my time machine.

And they are about to lay their hands on a cool fortune

if we don't get out of here and stop them.

- Well how much time have we got?

- That depends.

One can never quite figure on women drivers,

and undoubtedly Lorelei is behind the wheel

as neither Frank nor Jesse can handle that horseless buggy.

(audience laughs)

- Any luck, Uncle Martin?

- I got the tip of my levitating finger

to where I can move it just a little.

Here.

Stand up behind me.

I'll see what I can do.

- Okay.

(dramatic orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

Is it working?

- Yes...

But...

- But what?

- Rotten shot.

(audience laughs)

- Now, Tim, turn around so I can get

at the knots on your hands.

(spooky space music)

(audience laughs)

Hurry up, Tim.

All history is at stake!

- Alright, now what do we do?

- Well you can begin by untying me!

- Oh.

(audience laughs)

(dramatic orchestral music)

(audience laughs)

How are we ever going to find them?

They've got an hour head start on us.

- Tim, I can possibly locate them

with my orbital sonarscope.

It's on the spaceship.

It sends out a pulsating signal

which rebounds off of the object it's set for

and tells me how close I am.

- Oh, yes, well, how can you set it specifically

for Mrs. Brown's car?

- It depends on certain chemical elements being present.

- Oh.

Well, let's see, her car is made

of steel, glass, aluminum, rubber, chrome.

- Well so is every other car on the road.

No, what I need is something unique in her particular car.

Tim, you were helping Lorelei unload

some groceries from the trunk yesterday.

What did she have in there?

- Well...

There was a jack.

- Everybody has one.

What else?

- Well, let's see...

There was an umbrella.

One driving glove.

Oh yeah, she had her nephew's skateboard.

Oh, also an album of old Rudy Vallee records.

(audience laughs)

- Tim, that's it.

- You mean your orbital sonarscope can get a fix on Rudy?

- No, no, no, the skateboard.

The ball bearings in skate wheels contain vanadium.

- But you will zero in on a half a million skateboards.

- But how many skateboards are locked

in a steel receptacle like a car trunk?

That closed air space will alter the vanadium signal

just enough to make it distinctive.

- Well, let's hurry or that train's gonna be

in for one big shock!

- And that's not all.

If they get loose in history with that time machine,

Mrs. Brown's picture will be in every post office

from the Confederacy to the Roman Empire!

(audience laughs)

(spooky space music)

- [Martin] Tim.

Tim O'Hara!

Do you read me?

- Uncle Martin, where are you?

- In the spaceship.

I'm transmitting on mental telepathy audio.

- Oh.

Oh, yeah, well I have the map.

Any luck so far?

- Yes.

I have a fix on the car.

It's exactly 57 miles southwest of where you are.

- Are you sure that's southwest?

- Right.

- Oh.

Well then it must've been an awfully wet trip

because that's 25 miles out

in the Pacific on Catalina Island.

(audience laughs)

- Sorry, Tim.

The cloud cover confused me momentarily;

however, there can't be too many skateboards

locked in auto trunks.

I'll try again and contact you.

(spooky space music)

- [Martin] Tim.

Oh Tim.

- Yes, Uncle Martin.

- I've just found them.

Just 11 miles due east of where you are.

- Well, let's see...

That'll be the town of Silver Spur.

Oh, incidentally, that's right on the Santa Fe.

- Good.

I'll be right down.

- Well you better hurry 'cause there's a train due

through that area in exactly one hour.

Yeah, I don't know what we're gonna do when we get there,

but we better get there.

We haven't got much time to waste.

Can you hear me?

(audience laughs)

- Loud and clear, Tim.

- Well then get down...

Uncle Martin, where did you come from?

(audience laughs)

- For Heaven's sake, Tim, let's not go into all that again.

- We off to Silver Spur?

- Wait a minute.

You hear that?

- What?

- Oh, I forgot.

Let me amplify it for you.

(sonar beeping)

- Well, I like the melody.

How do the lyrics go?

(audience laughs)

- Tim, those sounds mean there's

a railroad signal control unit in this area.

Maybe we can stop that train.

Come on, Tim. Let's go.

(determined orchestral music)

- Well, there's no one here.

- I don't mind that,

but they've been inconsiderate enough to lock the door.

(audience laughs)

- You know, Uncle Martin, you're handier

to have around than a bobby pin?

- Nevermind the compliments.

We have work to do.

- Alright, you two!

Stand right where you are!

- I think he's talking to you.

- Who are you?

- Railroad security patrol, that's who.

- Oh, well you're just the man we're looking for.

Two men are gonna hold up the train!

- Were going to hold up the train.

- Oh, they still are!

You see, it's the James boys.

There's Jesse and there's...

- No, no, no.

(audience laughs)

- No, no, no.

- Oh, so you're the James boys.

Well, this is a pleasure.

Oh, let me introduce myself.

I'm Marshal Dillon.

(audience laughs)

There you are, gentlemen.

I'll just go get my coat, and we'll be on our way.

- You know, techniques for tying people

haven't changed much in 90 years.

He trussed us up the same way the James boys did.

(audience laughs)

- Except for one thing.

My levitating finger is free!

- Oh, well untie me!

- No time for that.

Hang on!

(spooky space music)

(audience laughs)

- Hey!

Hey!

Hey, you crooks!

Come back here!

(audience laughs)

("I've Been Working On The Railroad")

- Do you realize that we've spent

so much time tied up today

I don't know how to act when I'm loose!

- Well you better figure it out.

We have less than 10 minutes to get back Mrs. Brown

and the time machine and send those James boys

packing off to Missouri.

(sneaky orchestral music)

- Well, I'm afraid it will be easier for the boys

to lose themselves in a Western town like this.

They'll look like all the rest of the inhabitants.

- Except for one thing.

There are no other inhabitants.

This is a ghost town.

(spooky orchestral music)

- A ghost town?

Well then the train won't be stopping here.

- Oh, when Jesse held up a train

it rarely had a scheduled stop.

- Well, you mean, you mean they held up a moving train?

- No, it was just that Jesse and his gang were so busy

setting up the road block, or dynamiting the track,

that they didn't have time to inform the railroad

so that they could print a new schedule.

(audience laughs)

- Holy smoke, Uncle Martin, then we've got...

Hey, look.

Well we know they're here.

- Mrs. Brown is still with them.

I'd recognize her driving anywhere.

(audience laughs)

- Hey!

Look!

She managed to leave a note.

Help.

Jail.

- Tim, they're holding her there.

- Well, let's go.

(ominous orchestral music)

I don't see her here.

Hey, look.

That looks like Frank's hat.

- I don't like this, Tim.

- Well, look, at least we have the dynamite.

Now all we have to do is hide it.

(cell door clinks)

What an idiot.

- Go ahead, Tim, kick the box.

It'll be empty.

- Sure is.

I'm on my way out to set the charge right now.

You know, them trains don't stop on their own.

- Thanks.

I've already had all that explained.

- Frank, you keep an eye on them.

- [Tim] Well what about Mrs. Brown?

- Thinkin' about that note.

We made her write it.

- You haven't done anything to her, have you?

- Well, mercy, no.

We gon' take her with us.

Gotta have something to show for this trip 'sides money.

(audience laughs)

You two just make yourselves comfortable there.

(ominous orchestral music)

- Uncle Martin, you've gotta get outta here now.

Why don't you just disappear?

- I've been trying.

But being tied up cut off my circulation,

and the lift valves in my antenna elevators are stuck.

(audience laughs)

- Well this is a great time for you to need a valve job.

(audience laughs)

Is there something you can do?

- There is a way I can get the lubricant circulating

and free the valves,

but Frank out there might think it was a little peculiar.

- You just go ahead and do it.

I'll take care of Frank.

(audience laughs)

- What's he doing that for?

- Frank, didn't you ever get so mad

that you had to go stand in a corner?

- Yeah, but I stood on my feet.

(audience laughs)

- Well that's the problem, you see.

He is so mad that he doesn't know which end is up.

(audience laughs)

- Oh.

You know what Jesse used to do

when he had to stand in the corner?

He'd beat his head on the wall!

Like this.

(audience laughs)

(spooky space music)

(audience laughs)

Don't you know that hurt like thunder?

I recall the time...

Hey!

Where'd he go?

Hey you get back here!

Where you hiding?

Hey!

Get back here!

(audience laughs)

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Uncle Martin, help me!

He's trying to get out!

- It's me, Tim!

Let me out!

(audience laughs)

Come on, Tim.

We have to find Mrs. Brown.

(gun shots)

- Hey, I thought you levitated Frank's gun.

- That's Jesse.

- Jesse?

But I thought Jesse was...

(gun shot)

(audience laughs)

Oh, I wish you Martians carried guns.

Even by himself, Jesse has the advantage.

- Yes, and he won't be by himself long.

No doubt Frank has already let himself out of that jail.

We'll just have to use their guns.

Tim, try to draw their fire.

- Are you crazy!

(gun shots)

- Excellent.

All I needed was something to record.

Alright, come and get us!

- Frank.

(gun shots)

(audience laughs)

- I hope you can keep playing those shots over and over.

- Yes, but we need something more lethal.

Duck into that saloon over there,

and see if you can find anything

that can possibly be of help.

- Okay.

Cover me.

(gun shots)

- We gotta do somethin', Jesse.

Them shots is gettin' mighty close.

That last one creased my hat.

(audience laughs)

- Frank, you don't even have a hat on.

- Oh, that's even closer.

(audience laughs)

(gun shots)

- Nothing at all?

- Well, not unless you want a bunch

of busted up old furniture

and a lot of old cowboy hats.

- The hats.

Get them and hurry.

That dynamite could go off at any minute.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Frank, I'll tell you what.

You sneak over to the bank.

Get behind them.

That way we can catch them in a crossfire.

- I got ya.

(gun shots)

(audience laughs)

(spooky space music)

- Jesse, look!

(gun shot)

(audience laughs)

- Alright, so there's three of 'em.

We've taken on more than that.

- Jesse, there is more than that.

Look!

(gun shots)

- Tim, do you notice anything peculiar?

- Yeah.

Yeah, they've stopped shooting.

Mrs. Brown!

Get down.

- Oh, it's alright, Martin.

They let me go.

They said you'll never catch them.

They're going back to Missouri.

- Well, thank goodness they didn't take you.

- Oh, it was close, but then Jesse reminded Frank

that he was a married man.

(audience laughs)

Martin, I don't understand.

Am I dreaming or something?

- Unfortunately, you're wide awake,

but there's no time to explain now.

You just stay here.

Tim, let's get the time machine.

(dramatic orchestral music)

- Well, they're gone alright.

- And the time machine looks undamaged.

- Don't touch that or you won't be undamaged long.

(audience laughs)

Tie 'em up, Frank.

- Oh, not again!

- Yep.

That dynamite we fixed over there is about

to go off any minute,

and we got us some train holdin' up to do.

(gun shot)

- Oh, Jesse.

Why did you do it?

- What?

Oh.

Oh!

Oh, Jesse!

- I, I didn't do it!

There must be somebody else shootin'!

(explosion)

(audience laughs)

- Uncle Martin, the dynamite.

Quick! We've gotta find it!

- Yeah, there's no time.

Look.

(train horn)

(audience laughs)

- Wow, that was quick thinking, but...

But I don't understand.

Why didn't the dynamite go off?

- Very simple.

For those few moments,

I turned the train back to the year 1866.

- Oh.

What difference does that make?

- Tim, my boy, if you had studied your history,

you would know that Alfred Nobel and I

did not invent dynamite until the year 1867.

(audience laughs)

- (sighs) Martin, those steaks were magnificent.

Simply gorgeous.

- I second the motion.

Yes, sir, you really put your brand on them steaks, pardner.

(audience laughs)

- (coughs) Please, Tim.

Let's let the sleeping dogies lie.

(audience laughs)

- I'm gonna get a little more

of that good coffee of yours, Tim.

- Boy, that mind clearing device

really worked on Mrs. Brown.

She doesn't remember a thing.

- With women I find it a little easier to clear the mind.

Messier but easier.

(audience laughs)

- (sighs) Oh, my.

Dinner by candlelight always reminds me of Jesse.

- Jesse?

- Jesse?!

- My cousin, Jesse.

Oh she just loved dinner by candlelight.

There you are.

More?

Well...

Now I'm gonna get my contribution, the dessert.

- Oh, may I help you?

- Oh, no thank you.

I can manage.

- Wow.

She had me scared there for a minute.

(gun shot)

(audience laughs)

I'm sorry, Tim.

That hiccup triggered my playback mechanism.

I've got to remember to erase those pistol shots.

- That's good thinking.

Well, you could put on some waltzes,

and Mrs. Brown and I could dance.

(waltz music)

("My Favorite Martian Theme")