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1
00:00:00,125 --> 00:00:02,628
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:02,711 --> 00:00:05,297
No. No, no, no. I didn't do this.
3
00:00:05,380 --> 00:00:08,342
Oh, yeah? You are holding a cork gun
in your hand.
4
00:00:08,425 --> 00:00:10,219
You are under arrest, young lady.
5
00:00:10,302 --> 00:00:11,678
That's ridiculous.
6
00:00:11,762 --> 00:00:15,265
She's a college student. She doesn't have
the energy to murder anyone.
7
00:00:15,349 --> 00:00:16,975
-Pilts.
-Oh. Ha, ha.
8
00:00:18,143 --> 00:00:21,271
Sorry about this.
I'll pay all your legal fees, though.
9
00:00:21,355 --> 00:00:22,856
PAIGE:
Now this is a story.
10
00:00:22,940 --> 00:00:25,025
I hope he was dead
before that corkscrew went in.
11
00:00:25,108 --> 00:00:26,818
Yeah. He was like this when I got here.
12
00:00:26,902 --> 00:00:30,322
He was already dead
and then I saw that cork gun thing
13
00:00:30,405 --> 00:00:31,907
and I thought I'd pick it up.
14
00:00:31,990 --> 00:00:33,325
Cork gun? Hmm?
15
00:00:33,408 --> 00:00:38,455
Cork to the eye and you're to blame.
Belt gives cork a bad name.
16
00:00:38,539 --> 00:00:40,541
-Is she trying to rap?
ABIGAIL: Chief Bills.
17
00:00:40,624 --> 00:00:44,211
I ask you to kindly wait
to take Heidi to jail
18
00:00:44,294 --> 00:00:47,548
until we interrogate Belt one more time.
19
00:00:47,631 --> 00:00:50,175
-We?
-I'm only trying to help.
20
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:53,637
And learn from your crime savant
expertise.
21
00:00:53,720 --> 00:00:56,431
Make it quick. Pilts, keep an eye on...
22
00:00:58,058 --> 00:00:59,059
This one right here.
23
00:00:59,142 --> 00:01:04,231
It's Heidi. For the 50th time.
24
00:01:04,314 --> 00:01:07,317
-Take her to the interrogation room.
-Which one? Did you have a favorite?
25
00:01:07,401 --> 00:01:10,279
I don't care. Set up traffic cones.
26
00:01:10,362 --> 00:01:11,572
Use your head sometimes.
27
00:01:11,655 --> 00:01:15,617
Use my head? Wouldn't it be faster
if I used my arms and hands?
28
00:01:15,701 --> 00:01:17,703
Everybody, get out! This is a crime scene!
29
00:01:17,786 --> 00:01:18,704
-Everybody out!
-We're going.
30
00:01:18,787 --> 00:01:20,497
GILBERT:
I still think the bathroom was coolest.
31
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:22,165
CHIEF: Are you kidding me?
ABIGAIL: Oh, my.
32
00:01:22,249 --> 00:01:23,709
What the hell are you doing?
33
00:01:23,792 --> 00:01:25,252
-Get-- Get out.
-Just taking it in.
34
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,378
Fine.
35
00:01:26,461 --> 00:01:28,255
Begone!
36
00:01:28,338 --> 00:01:30,757
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
37
00:01:33,218 --> 00:01:34,720
[GASPS]
38
00:01:34,803 --> 00:01:36,889
Crab penii in a death grip.
39
00:01:37,264 --> 00:01:39,266
[WOMAN SCREAMING
AND CELL PHONE BUZZING]
40
00:01:41,185 --> 00:01:43,812
Very funny ringtone, Heidi.
41
00:01:45,689 --> 00:01:51,111
Now how did I manage to just order socks
with my dogs' faces on them?
42
00:01:51,195 --> 00:01:52,696
RICHARD:
I didn't do it.
43
00:01:52,779 --> 00:01:54,239
Let's stop the bullshit.
44
00:01:54,740 --> 00:01:59,828
Belt, did you or did you not shoot
Brent in the eye with your cork?
45
00:01:59,912 --> 00:02:03,624
I would never hurt,
let alone kill anyone using cork.
46
00:02:03,707 --> 00:02:08,086
Cork is like God's fingertips
in bottles of wine.
47
00:02:08,170 --> 00:02:10,172
-It's obvious you love cork.
-Yes.
48
00:02:10,255 --> 00:02:12,633
You're a real cork hound.
You have a relationship.
49
00:02:12,716 --> 00:02:14,801
-A deep relationship with cork.
-Yes.
50
00:02:15,844 --> 00:02:17,137
Excuse me, chief.
51
00:02:17,221 --> 00:02:20,265
We tried to bring your evidence to the car
but the trunk was locked.
52
00:02:20,349 --> 00:02:22,142
Goddamn it. Belt, don't you move.
53
00:02:22,226 --> 00:02:25,562
You're sitting right there in your cork
hole until I come back. And I mean it.
54
00:02:25,646 --> 00:02:27,523
I mean it. Don't you move.
55
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,149
RICHARD: Okay.
-I mean it.
56
00:02:29,233 --> 00:02:30,567
I'm not going anywhere.
57
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:34,321
Mr. Belt, how angry were you at Julia?
58
00:02:34,404 --> 00:02:36,532
I could never get too angry at her.
59
00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:39,493
She was the only one who understood
my passion for cork.
60
00:02:40,118 --> 00:02:42,162
She understood
that I needed it in my life.
61
00:02:43,163 --> 00:02:45,749
I've always wanted to ask her on a date
62
00:02:45,832 --> 00:02:48,585
but I sensed that she belonged
with someone else.
63
00:02:50,295 --> 00:02:53,715
Still, to go with her to a sports bar,
64
00:02:54,800 --> 00:02:58,595
and brush her hair out of her eyes
and just give her a little kiss, like a...
65
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,682
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
66
00:03:07,688 --> 00:03:09,231
-Gilbert.
-Yeah, Abigail?
67
00:03:09,314 --> 00:03:12,109
The chief needs help loading evidence.
68
00:03:12,192 --> 00:03:14,361
Oh, my.
What is that perfume you're wearing?
69
00:03:14,444 --> 00:03:17,489
DEET. My yard is full of ticks.
70
00:03:17,573 --> 00:03:20,951
Tell you what, that would not repel me.
71
00:03:21,034 --> 00:03:22,035
[GROANS]
72
00:03:22,119 --> 00:03:22,995
All right.
73
00:03:23,078 --> 00:03:25,372
Okay, this was-- I knew it.
74
00:03:25,455 --> 00:03:28,000
Heidi, let's go solve a murder.
75
00:03:28,750 --> 00:03:31,753
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
76
00:03:38,427 --> 00:03:40,262
HEIDI:
A thousand likes?
77
00:03:40,345 --> 00:03:42,764
Oh, my God. Sick.
78
00:03:42,848 --> 00:03:44,683
Whoa.
79
00:03:45,767 --> 00:03:47,311
[GRUNTS]
80
00:03:47,895 --> 00:03:49,271
Heidi, what happened dear?
81
00:03:49,354 --> 00:03:50,606
[HEIDI GROANS]
82
00:03:50,689 --> 00:03:52,733
She hit me over the head.
83
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,109
-Are you okay?
-Yeah.
84
00:03:54,193 --> 00:03:56,570
But I will milk this for a couple of days.
85
00:03:56,653 --> 00:03:59,281
Lanie, it's no use hiding.
86
00:03:59,364 --> 00:04:02,784
Come on out.
I know you killed Julia and Brent.
87
00:04:02,868 --> 00:04:04,286
LANIE:
Why would I do that?
88
00:04:04,369 --> 00:04:08,749
Because you were in love with Brent
and he was having an affair with Julia.
89
00:04:08,832 --> 00:04:12,669
You killed them both out of jealousy,
fueled by a broken heart.
90
00:04:12,753 --> 00:04:15,797
You also texted Heidi on Brent's phone
91
00:04:15,881 --> 00:04:18,300
in order to frame her
for both of the murders.
92
00:04:18,383 --> 00:04:19,218
Uhn-uhn.
93
00:04:19,301 --> 00:04:22,763
You also stole a car in your 20's
and sunk it in a lake,
94
00:04:22,846 --> 00:04:25,516
but we don't have time to deal
with that one today. Put a pin in it.
95
00:04:25,599 --> 00:04:27,017
Okay.
96
00:04:27,100 --> 00:04:28,101
I did it.
97
00:04:28,185 --> 00:04:29,603
I killed them both.
98
00:04:29,686 --> 00:04:33,190
She was my best friend
and she knew I loved Brent.
99
00:04:33,273 --> 00:04:35,108
But she banged him anyway.
100
00:04:35,192 --> 00:04:40,906
She banged him and she BJ'd him
and HJ'd him and...
101
00:04:40,989 --> 00:04:43,283
She did the Tallahassee Hustle on him.
102
00:04:43,367 --> 00:04:44,409
Oh, that one's nice.
103
00:04:44,493 --> 00:04:46,745
They made each other squirt or whatever.
104
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,539
Which I don't even think is real.
105
00:04:48,622 --> 00:04:50,165
It's just pee!
106
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:51,458
That's not true.
107
00:04:51,542 --> 00:04:56,171
Come with us and we'll iron all this out
in the police station.
108
00:04:56,255 --> 00:04:59,174
Oh, no. The police will never know.
109
00:04:59,258 --> 00:05:02,135
-Because you're not going anywhere.
HEIDI: Oh.
110
00:05:02,219 --> 00:05:05,305
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
111
00:05:06,765 --> 00:05:08,517
Think, Abigail.
112
00:05:08,600 --> 00:05:12,229
How would you write yourself
out of this one?
113
00:05:12,771 --> 00:05:14,314
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
114
00:05:14,398 --> 00:05:18,527
ABIGAIL: Mrs. Mapleworth freezes
as the barrel barrels towards her.
115
00:05:18,610 --> 00:05:23,115
She's reminded of the summer she took
a rodeo clown gymnastics intensive
116
00:05:23,198 --> 00:05:26,326
at the age of 45 with her dental hygienist
117
00:05:26,410 --> 00:05:29,246
with whom she shared
a certain compatibility.
118
00:05:38,172 --> 00:05:40,257
Come on, man!
119
00:05:40,340 --> 00:05:43,218
[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYING]
120
00:05:46,180 --> 00:05:47,472
[WHIMPERING]
121
00:05:48,765 --> 00:05:50,434
-Ah.
-Uhn!
122
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,230
[WHINING]
123
00:05:55,314 --> 00:05:56,815
Yee-ha!
124
00:05:56,899 --> 00:05:58,317
[HORSE NEIGHS]
125
00:05:58,400 --> 00:05:59,902
No!
126
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,869
[BOTH GRUNT]
127
00:06:08,952 --> 00:06:11,455
Looks like I just donked your kong.
128
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,248
[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYING]
129
00:06:13,332 --> 00:06:16,376
Aunt Abigail, it's coming right at you!
130
00:06:16,460 --> 00:06:18,962
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
131
00:06:19,588 --> 00:06:20,923
[WOMAN SCREAMING RINGTONE PLAYING]
132
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:22,341
Oh, little... Ah!
133
00:06:26,178 --> 00:06:27,721
Die, Mrs. Mapleworth.
134
00:06:28,138 --> 00:06:29,139
[ABIGAIL GRUNTS]
135
00:06:29,223 --> 00:06:31,225
Bring in a case of pinot too.
136
00:06:31,308 --> 00:06:34,186
And you'll dust it for fingerprints
and jammy notes.
137
00:06:34,269 --> 00:06:35,187
Abigail, no!
138
00:06:35,270 --> 00:06:37,147
Toddler drop!
139
00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:38,524
[CORK POPS]
140
00:06:42,444 --> 00:06:43,278
Hey!
141
00:06:43,362 --> 00:06:44,238
Yeah, Pilts.
142
00:06:44,321 --> 00:06:46,073
ABIGAIL:
Well done, Gilbert.
143
00:06:46,156 --> 00:06:47,950
I owe you an HJ.
144
00:06:48,033 --> 00:06:49,826
A ham-jam sandwich?
145
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,119
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
146
00:06:51,203 --> 00:06:53,622
Thank you, Gilbert, for saving my life.
147
00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:56,291
Well, you're the light of my life.
148
00:06:56,375 --> 00:06:57,626
[SIGHS]
149
00:06:58,210 --> 00:06:59,628
I'm not doing anything.
150
00:06:59,711 --> 00:07:02,881
Chief, you owe my niece an apology.
151
00:07:02,965 --> 00:07:06,176
I meant no disrespect to you, Heidi.
152
00:07:06,260 --> 00:07:07,928
You're forgiven, Chief Balls.
153
00:07:08,011 --> 00:07:10,013
It's Bills.
154
00:07:10,097 --> 00:07:11,473
Cute.
155
00:07:11,557 --> 00:07:15,185
Oh, well, you sure got your front-page
story didn't you, Wellingtont.
156
00:07:15,269 --> 00:07:17,813
Yes, I did. How are your old lady farts?
157
00:07:17,896 --> 00:07:20,357
You are an inch of garbage water,
aren't you?
158
00:07:20,440 --> 00:07:21,984
That's right.
159
00:07:22,067 --> 00:07:23,235
[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]
160
00:07:23,318 --> 00:07:26,530
You know that phone
nearly costs us both our lives,
161
00:07:26,613 --> 00:07:28,615
but I'm sure you've learned your lesson.
162
00:07:28,949 --> 00:07:31,201
[WOMAN SCREAMING RINGTONE PLAYS]
163
00:07:32,744 --> 00:07:35,163
ABIGAIL:
"I promise to work on my phone addiction
164
00:07:35,247 --> 00:07:39,251
and spend more face-to-face time
with those who matter. Like you."
165
00:07:39,334 --> 00:07:40,419
Oh...
166
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:44,298
I was very amused that you changed
all the sounds on my phone
167
00:07:44,381 --> 00:07:46,091
to blood-curdling screams.
168
00:07:46,175 --> 00:07:48,844
Yeah, I thought you might like that
because of all the murder stuff.
169
00:07:48,927 --> 00:07:51,430
How many glasses of wine did we have?
170
00:07:51,513 --> 00:07:55,559
I counted nine each.
So we are walking home.
171
00:07:55,642 --> 00:07:56,518
I'll say.
172
00:07:58,937 --> 00:08:00,939
[LINE RINGING]
173
00:08:02,608 --> 00:08:04,276
Oh...
174
00:08:04,359 --> 00:08:05,402
Oh, my feet hurt.
175
00:08:05,485 --> 00:08:06,445
[WOMAN SCREAMING]
176
00:08:08,155 --> 00:08:12,159
I'm too tired and tipsy to solve
any more murders tonight, people.
177
00:08:12,242 --> 00:08:13,076
Hello?
178
00:08:13,535 --> 00:08:16,872
Oh. I think somebody keeps dialing me
with their rectum.
179
00:08:16,955 --> 00:08:18,624
[RUSTLING]
180
00:08:21,752 --> 00:08:25,380
Let's go inside and get under a blanket
of cats and pusses.
181
00:08:25,464 --> 00:08:27,382
[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]
182
00:08:27,466 --> 00:08:29,009
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
13188
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