Original subtitles

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

No. No, no, no. I didn't do this.

Oh, yeah? You are holding a cork gun in your hand.

You are under arrest, young lady.

That's ridiculous.

She's a college student. She doesn't have the energy to murder anyone.

-Pilts. -Oh. Ha, ha.

Sorry about this. I'll pay all your legal fees, though.

PAIGE: Now this is a story.

I hope he was dead before that corkscrew went in.

Yeah. He was like this when I got here.

He was already dead and then I saw that cork gun thing

and I thought I'd pick it up.

Cork gun? Hmm?

Cork to the eye and you're to blame. Belt gives cork a bad name.

-Is she trying to rap? ABIGAIL: Chief Bills.

I ask you to kindly wait to take Heidi to jail

until we interrogate Belt one more time.

-We? -I'm only trying to help.

And learn from your crime savant expertise.

Make it quick. Pilts, keep an eye on...

This one right here.

It's Heidi. For the 50th time.

-Take her to the interrogation room. -Which one? Did you have a favorite?

I don't care. Set up traffic cones.

Use your head sometimes.

Use my head? Wouldn't it be faster if I used my arms and hands?

Everybody, get out! This is a crime scene!

-Everybody out! -We're going.

GILBERT: I still think the bathroom was coolest.

CHIEF: Are you kidding me? ABIGAIL: Oh, my.

What the hell are you doing?

-Get-- Get out. -Just taking it in.

Fine.

Begone!

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

[GASPS]

Crab penii in a death grip.

[WOMAN SCREAMING AND CELL PHONE BUZZING]

Very funny ringtone, Heidi.

Now how did I manage to just order socks with my dogs' faces on them?

RICHARD: I didn't do it.

Let's stop the bullshit.

Belt, did you or did you not shoot Brent in the eye with your cork?

I would never hurt, let alone kill anyone using cork.

Cork is like God's fingertips in bottles of wine.

-It's obvious you love cork. -Yes.

You're a real cork hound. You have a relationship.

-A deep relationship with cork. -Yes.

Excuse me, chief.

We tried to bring your evidence to the car but the trunk was locked.

Goddamn it. Belt, don't you move.

You're sitting right there in your cork hole until I come back. And I mean it.

I mean it. Don't you move.

RICHARD: Okay. -I mean it.

I'm not going anywhere.

Mr. Belt, how angry were you at Julia?

I could never get too angry at her.

She was the only one who understood my passion for cork.

She understood that I needed it in my life.

I've always wanted to ask her on a date

but I sensed that she belonged with someone else.

Still, to go with her to a sports bar,

and brush her hair out of her eyes and just give her a little kiss, like a...

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

-Gilbert. -Yeah, Abigail?

The chief needs help loading evidence.

Oh, my. What is that perfume you're wearing?

DEET. My yard is full of ticks.

Tell you what, that would not repel me.

[GROANS]

All right.

Okay, this was-- I knew it.

Heidi, let's go solve a murder.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

HEIDI: A thousand likes?

Oh, my God. Sick.

Whoa.

[GRUNTS]

Heidi, what happened dear?

[HEIDI GROANS]

She hit me over the head.

-Are you okay? -Yeah.

But I will milk this for a couple of days.

Lanie, it's no use hiding.

Come on out. I know you killed Julia and Brent.

LANIE: Why would I do that?

Because you were in love with Brent and he was having an affair with Julia.

You killed them both out of jealousy, fueled by a broken heart.

You also texted Heidi on Brent's phone

in order to frame her for both of the murders.

Uhn-uhn.

You also stole a car in your 20's and sunk it in a lake,

but we don't have time to deal with that one today. Put a pin in it.

Okay.

I did it.

I killed them both.

She was my best friend and she knew I loved Brent.

But she banged him anyway.

She banged him and she BJ'd him and HJ'd him and...

She did the Tallahassee Hustle on him.

Oh, that one's nice.

They made each other squirt or whatever.

Which I don't even think is real.

It's just pee!

That's not true.

Come with us and we'll iron all this out in the police station.

Oh, no. The police will never know.

-Because you're not going anywhere. HEIDI: Oh.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

Think, Abigail.

How would you write yourself out of this one?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

ABIGAIL: Mrs. Mapleworth freezes as the barrel barrels towards her.

She's reminded of the summer she took a rodeo clown gymnastics intensive

at the age of 45 with her dental hygienist

with whom she shared a certain compatibility.

Come on, man!

[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHIMPERING]

-Ah. -Uhn!

[WHINING]

Yee-ha!

[HORSE NEIGHS]

No!

[BOTH GRUNT]

Looks like I just donked your kong.

[JUBILANT MUSIC PLAYING]

Aunt Abigail, it's coming right at you!

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[WOMAN SCREAMING RINGTONE PLAYING]

Oh, little... Ah!

Die, Mrs. Mapleworth.

[ABIGAIL GRUNTS]

Bring in a case of pinot too.

And you'll dust it for fingerprints and jammy notes.

Abigail, no!

Toddler drop!

[CORK POPS]

Hey!

Yeah, Pilts.

ABIGAIL: Well done, Gilbert.

I owe you an HJ.

A ham-jam sandwich?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Thank you, Gilbert, for saving my life.

Well, you're the light of my life.

[SIGHS]

I'm not doing anything.

Chief, you owe my niece an apology.

I meant no disrespect to you, Heidi.

You're forgiven, Chief Balls.

It's Bills.

Cute.

Oh, well, you sure got your front-page story didn't you, Wellingtont.

Yes, I did. How are your old lady farts?

You are an inch of garbage water, aren't you?

That's right.

[JAZZ MUSIC PLAYING]

You know that phone nearly costs us both our lives,

but I'm sure you've learned your lesson.

[WOMAN SCREAMING RINGTONE PLAYS]

ABIGAIL: "I promise to work on my phone addiction

and spend more face-to-face time with those who matter. Like you."

Oh...

I was very amused that you changed all the sounds on my phone

to blood-curdling screams.

Yeah, I thought you might like that because of all the murder stuff.

How many glasses of wine did we have?

I counted nine each. So we are walking home.

I'll say.

[LINE RINGING]

Oh...

Oh, my feet hurt.

[WOMAN SCREAMING]

I'm too tired and tipsy to solve any more murders tonight, people.

Hello?

Oh. I think somebody keeps dialing me with their rectum.

[RUSTLING]

Let's go inside and get under a blanket of cats and pusses.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING]

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]