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1
00:00:00,125 --> 00:00:02,836
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
2
00:00:06,965 --> 00:00:09,968
-Welcome.
ABIGAIL: I can't tell you how excited I am
3
00:00:10,052 --> 00:00:13,889
that you're going to be able to enjoy
some authentic New Woodstream vino.
4
00:00:13,972 --> 00:00:17,059
-Hi, Abigail. Hi, Heidi.
ABIGAIL: Hello, Gilbert.
5
00:00:17,142 --> 00:00:19,019
-Are you working the party?
GILBERT: Yes.
6
00:00:19,102 --> 00:00:20,979
I'm actually working security.
7
00:00:21,063 --> 00:00:23,482
Last year, Martha Tweenis,
the church organist, came in here,
8
00:00:23,565 --> 00:00:26,026
got real drunk,
and started singing church hymns
9
00:00:26,109 --> 00:00:27,861
-but adding dirty words.
-Oh, dear.
10
00:00:27,945 --> 00:00:30,280
I had to escort her out of here,
but she did a toddler drop--
11
00:00:30,364 --> 00:00:31,365
Get to the point, Gilbert.
12
00:00:31,448 --> 00:00:34,159
-Enjoy the party, my queen.
-Thank you, Gilbert.
13
00:00:34,243 --> 00:00:35,369
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
14
00:00:35,452 --> 00:00:36,370
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
15
00:00:36,787 --> 00:00:38,121
[POP MUSIC PLAYS OVER CELL PHONE]
16
00:00:38,205 --> 00:00:39,456
Oh, stop it!
17
00:00:39,540 --> 00:00:42,459
Yeah, no, it's this new new cellphone,
I loaded all up.
18
00:00:42,543 --> 00:00:45,546
I don't know why you made me get
such a stupid device.
19
00:00:45,629 --> 00:00:48,549
Would you be a dear
and change the ring sound for me
20
00:00:48,632 --> 00:00:50,175
to something more appropriate?
21
00:00:50,259 --> 00:00:51,760
Yeah, yeah, yeah, I got you.
22
00:00:51,844 --> 00:00:54,555
Mapleworth on the cellular phone.
Who is it?
23
00:00:54,638 --> 00:00:56,431
Hey, it's Jerry, your agent.
24
00:00:56,515 --> 00:00:57,724
How is the book coming?
25
00:00:57,808 --> 00:01:00,310
Oh, it's going wonderfully.
26
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Can't you hear me typing?
27
00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:06,191
[MIMICKING TYPEWRITER]
28
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Sounds like you are cranking it out.
29
00:01:07,776 --> 00:01:10,654
Oh, yes, I'll have pages for you
by the end of the week.
30
00:01:10,737 --> 00:01:15,659
-Well, you are the best in the business.
-And you're the best of the Jerrys.
31
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:17,035
[GROANS]
32
00:01:17,119 --> 00:01:19,997
It's okay if need to go home
and work on your book, Aunt Abigail.
33
00:01:20,080 --> 00:01:22,416
Pigeon paste! You just moved here.
34
00:01:22,499 --> 00:01:24,168
Let's have a little fun.
35
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Oh, you're always a good time,
Aunt Abigail.
36
00:01:27,754 --> 00:01:30,215
But I'm pretty sure
this party's not gonna be fun.
37
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[PLAYS JAZZ]
38
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-Why?
-Just a little bit of juicy jazz.
39
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Yes.
40
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[CORK POPS THEN GLASS CLINKS]
41
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What a snooze fest. It's like
the '80s had sex with the bible.
42
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Well, New Woodstream has its share
of interesting characters.
43
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:49,902
Oh, chimp shit.
44
00:01:49,985 --> 00:01:54,156
Paige Wellington is here. She's the editor
of the town paper, The Biweekly Monthly,
45
00:01:54,239 --> 00:01:56,575
and she's a real know-it-all
pain in the pucker hole.
46
00:01:56,658 --> 00:01:59,369
-Paige!
-Mapleworth!
47
00:01:59,453 --> 00:02:01,747
What a beautiful polyester getup.
48
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:03,999
What lovely colorless neck balls.
49
00:02:04,082 --> 00:02:05,167
Nice wig.
50
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:07,336
I'm Heidi. I'm her niece.
51
00:02:07,419 --> 00:02:09,421
Cute. I'd leave this dumb party,
52
00:02:09,505 --> 00:02:12,508
but I'm doing a story
on Julia Squift's rollout of her new rosé.
53
00:02:12,591 --> 00:02:15,260
Oh, I'm sure it will be interesting.
She writes nonfiction.
54
00:02:15,344 --> 00:02:16,470
[SNORING]
55
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Oh, well...
56
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it's better than a book full of snotty,
made-up word garbage.
57
00:02:21,266 --> 00:02:22,851
My God, what is that smell?
58
00:02:22,935 --> 00:02:24,937
-It's horri-- Just-- Just acrid.
-Oh.
59
00:02:25,020 --> 00:02:27,814
It's making my eyes water. Oh. Paige...
60
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-Who raised you?
-I didn't do it.
61
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I didn't do it!
62
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Ripe.
63
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It was me and it was intentional.
64
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You might not be well.
65
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Oh, it's just a party trick.
66
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[SNORING]
67
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♪ What a friend we have in penis ♪
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♪ All the tip and shaft to share ♪
69
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Martha, you know you're not supposed
to be in here.
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Come on, let's go outside.
71
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:04,434
No! We are-- Well-- I'm not going.
We're all having a good time.
72
00:03:04,518 --> 00:03:08,355
♪ Nearer my butt to thee ♪
73
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-Martha...
-MARTHA: h, no.
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Gilbert, you are just mad because we went
on that G-damned date
75
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and you weren't feeling it.
76
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Well, get over it, Gilbert,
because all of this is not for you
77
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-according to you.
ABIGAIL: Gilbert!
78
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I didn't know you were seeing someone.
79
00:03:25,581 --> 00:03:29,334
Why don't you introduce us
to your lovely, spirited gal?
80
00:03:29,418 --> 00:03:31,086
I am not his "gal."
81
00:03:31,170 --> 00:03:33,505
I asked him out about 10 times,
82
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and finally I had to surprise-join him
at his booth at the Waffle Closet.
83
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And we were having a wonderful time,
until he noticed I was there.
84
00:03:42,347 --> 00:03:45,517
And I was like,
"Get off my jock, Gilbert."
85
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Sounds like she wants to
really funk your junk.
86
00:03:48,061 --> 00:03:49,813
ABIGAIL:
Gilbert, I'm thrilled for you.
87
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You deserve to be physically reciprocated.
88
00:03:52,524 --> 00:03:54,568
No. I-- We-- I-- We--
89
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-We didn't do anything.
-I mean, I did something later.
90
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I put my Spanx in his mailbox.
91
00:04:00,490 --> 00:04:03,243
-Oh, dear.
-Oh, Martha, Martha, Martha...
92
00:04:04,244 --> 00:04:07,664
If you care about me at all,
let's talk about this outside.
93
00:04:07,748 --> 00:04:09,208
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
94
00:04:11,293 --> 00:04:13,670
Oh, Martha, you know tongues
are for honeymoons.
95
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-Let's go.
-Goodbye!
96
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I don't wanna go.
I tricked you, I'm not gonna go.
97
00:04:19,635 --> 00:04:21,553
Toddler drop.
98
00:04:21,637 --> 00:04:24,973
♪ This little crotch of mine
I'm gonna let it shine ♪
99
00:04:25,057 --> 00:04:26,475
No. Close it.
100
00:04:26,558 --> 00:04:27,643
♪ Oh, this... ♪
101
00:04:30,604 --> 00:04:31,855
Hello, gals.
102
00:04:31,939 --> 00:04:34,775
Would you two like to try our best cab?
103
00:04:34,858 --> 00:04:37,778
No, thank you. I drove my own car here.
104
00:04:40,239 --> 00:04:43,492
-Oh. That is delicious.
-Oh, my turn.
105
00:04:46,328 --> 00:04:48,914
-There's a spit bucket right here.
-No, thank you. We're good.
106
00:04:50,249 --> 00:04:52,209
Oh, here's the rosé
107
00:04:52,292 --> 00:04:53,502
-Thanks for that.
-Thank you.
108
00:04:56,421 --> 00:05:01,093
I just want to thank you all
for coming to taste my new rosé.
109
00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:04,930
I so enjoyed making it.
110
00:05:05,389 --> 00:05:11,103
Mm. Oh, it starts with a hint
of peach skin on the lips
111
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:14,356
that turns into an explosion
of mouth feels,
112
00:05:14,439 --> 00:05:18,277
and then it chokes you into a deeply...
113
00:05:18,360 --> 00:05:20,737
satisfying finish.
114
00:05:21,530 --> 00:05:24,199
[MOANING]
115
00:05:25,951 --> 00:05:27,703
[MOANING CONTINUES]
116
00:05:33,041 --> 00:05:37,171
I also wanna thank my best friend,
Lanie Delabouche,
117
00:05:37,254 --> 00:05:39,423
who catered this whole event.
118
00:05:40,632 --> 00:05:44,261
But I would stay away
from the mini crab cakes.
119
00:05:44,344 --> 00:05:46,263
I bit into one, I bit a little crab dick.
120
00:05:48,557 --> 00:05:50,225
I'm kidding!
121
00:05:50,309 --> 00:05:53,896
I assure you there aren't any penises
in any of the food.
122
00:05:53,979 --> 00:05:55,147
Not yet anyway.
123
00:05:58,817 --> 00:06:01,653
Well, have fun everyone.
124
00:06:01,737 --> 00:06:04,198
[MOANING]
125
00:06:05,741 --> 00:06:07,242
-Julia. What was that?
-What?
126
00:06:07,326 --> 00:06:10,454
This wine's been a really bad boy.
127
00:06:10,537 --> 00:06:12,539
I'm going to spank it until it turns red.
128
00:06:14,041 --> 00:06:19,838
All this wine is really going through me
like a frat boy down a Slip 'N Slide.
129
00:06:19,922 --> 00:06:21,798
I probably won't make it to the bathroom.
130
00:06:21,882 --> 00:06:24,927
We'll see. I wouldn't put money on it.
131
00:06:25,010 --> 00:06:27,137
Pretty bad.
132
00:06:27,221 --> 00:06:29,181
-Should you just go?
-Yes, I should.
133
00:06:30,224 --> 00:06:31,600
-I urge you...
-What?!
134
00:06:31,683 --> 00:06:35,979
-...to use caution with me, Julia. Yes.
-Oh, to use caution, Richard?
135
00:06:36,063 --> 00:06:38,857
BOTH:
You're not gonna get away with this.
136
00:06:45,656 --> 00:06:48,951
-Oh. The food is, like, really good.
-Oh, yeah?
137
00:06:49,034 --> 00:06:51,870
Julia clearly doesn't like it.
138
00:06:51,954 --> 00:06:55,165
She didn't have to shame me like that
in front of everyone.
139
00:06:55,249 --> 00:06:57,709
You know, sometimes she can be such a...
140
00:06:59,044 --> 00:07:02,047
A giant red butthole!
141
00:07:02,130 --> 00:07:04,550
Glad that you're the one
handling all the food.
142
00:07:04,633 --> 00:07:05,592
Thank you.
143
00:07:06,593 --> 00:07:09,888
Oh, God. The cheese is sweating.
144
00:07:09,972 --> 00:07:13,350
I better go blot it
or I'll hear it from Julia.
145
00:07:14,309 --> 00:07:15,769
No!
146
00:07:17,771 --> 00:07:19,648
Heidi, have you seen Julia anywhere?
147
00:07:20,649 --> 00:07:21,567
No, I haven't.
148
00:07:21,650 --> 00:07:24,444
I wanted to congratulate her
on her new wine.
149
00:07:24,528 --> 00:07:27,072
I usually hate rosé,
but this one is awful.
150
00:07:27,155 --> 00:07:28,824
It is making me tipsy though.
151
00:07:28,907 --> 00:07:32,411
I might even want to deep-throat
some of those crab dicks.
152
00:07:33,745 --> 00:07:35,539
Boo-hoo-hoo.
153
00:07:35,622 --> 00:07:38,917
Stop complaining. You think I care?
154
00:07:39,001 --> 00:07:42,129
You're pathetic.
I'm gonna go back to my party.
155
00:07:44,214 --> 00:07:46,258
[SCREAMING]
156
00:07:51,930 --> 00:07:53,557
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
157
00:07:56,435 --> 00:07:58,312
Does somebody need help?
158
00:07:58,395 --> 00:08:00,189
Shh. I'm trying to figure that out.
159
00:08:00,272 --> 00:08:03,192
[SCREAMING CONTINUES]
160
00:08:03,275 --> 00:08:05,944
Sounds like me on the crapper.
161
00:08:06,028 --> 00:08:07,529
[SCREAMING CONTINUES IN DISTANCE]
162
00:08:07,613 --> 00:08:09,781
Oh, not funny now?
163
00:08:10,866 --> 00:08:12,743
I'm gonna go find my wife and kids.
164
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:15,829
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
165
00:08:19,416 --> 00:08:21,084
[GASPS]
166
00:08:21,168 --> 00:08:22,836
-Ah-ha.
-Oh.
167
00:08:23,337 --> 00:08:24,296
HEIDI:
That sucks.
168
00:08:24,880 --> 00:08:27,841
Looks like Julia ordered
a white wine squisher.
169
00:08:27,925 --> 00:08:29,009
Aunt Abigail.
170
00:08:29,092 --> 00:08:32,304
Sometimes, humor is the perfect poultice
for pain.
171
00:08:32,387 --> 00:08:34,681
Well, it's not a very...
172
00:08:34,765 --> 00:08:36,934
"flattering" way to die.
173
00:08:38,101 --> 00:08:40,938
She used to be a barrel of fun.
174
00:08:42,397 --> 00:08:44,691
-It is sad, though.
-So sad.
175
00:08:44,775 --> 00:08:46,443
Sorry, got to do this.
176
00:08:49,905 --> 00:08:53,909
[ALL SCREAMING]
13175
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