Original subtitles

-[GUN COCKS] -Watch out, Aunt Abigail!

You really shouldn't just wander into someone's backyard

while they're pumpkin shooting.

America's so weird.

I'm sorry to intrude, Mrs. Canelli.

It's ex-Mrs. Canelli. My maiden name is Twat.

Do you mind if I ask a few questions, ex-Mrs. Twat-Canelli?

I guess so. Shoot.

[GUNSHOT]

Is it safe to assume that you and Mr. Canelli didn't get along?

We used to. When we first met, our love was like an inferno.

We would hump each other three, four, five times a night,

and never in the same room.

TMI.

Too much intercourse.

But then I found out he had a gambling problem

and was stealing money from me.

And how much money did your husband take?

He blew my life savings.

Eighteen hundred dollars.

As in one thousand eight hundred?

That's a pretty shitty amount of money to kill someone for.

I was never much of a saver.

I'm addicted to QVC and buying men drinks...

that I met through QVC.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I like to shop online too.

I'm obsessed with vintage fanny packs.

But sometimes, we buy things...

to fill a hole in our lives.

I hated him with every bone in my body, except my vagina.

-My vagina bone loved him. -Mmm.

And now my sweet Benji is dead.

So many mixed feelings about that horrible and adorable prick.

I thank you for your time, Mrs. Twat.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

HEIDI: It's so sad, Ben Jr. losing his dad

on the day of the grand opening of their store.

Yes, the burden of their burgeoning butcher business

now belongs to Ben Jr.

HEIDI: Hold on.

Aunt Abigail, look at this.

Good gravy!

When you reverse-pinched it, it made the picture bigger.

No.

What's in the picture?

Heidi, thanks to you, I think I know who the murderer is.

I'm off to Canelli's. You go get the police.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

Aha.

The paint is still wet.

Sorry, we're closed for the night.

I really love the way you display all your jars.

It's very artful. Did you take art in school?

Because you're a very talented sign painter too.

I don't know what you mean.

The "and son."

It was a very interesting and telling addition.

Clearly, it was painted after your father's death.

No, it wasn't.

All you ever wanted was for your father to appreciate you.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

I could never do anything right in his eyes.

Why couldn't he just put "and son" on the sign?

I'm listening. Let it out.

I accidentally dropped the large pork butt on my dad's foot,

and he called me a waste of sperm.

I snapped.

Oh, my God.

I killed my dad.

[BEN JR. SOBBING]

Child, come here.

Come here.

Everything is going to be all right.

[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]

BEN JR.: I'm really sorry, Mrs. Mapleworth.

You're, like, the only person who was ever nice to me,

but I am gonna have to kill you.

I can't go to prison. I'm way too pretty.

You think so?

I'll be right back to cut you up.

Think, Abigail.

How would you write yourself out of this one?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

Mrs. Mapleworth hangs from the meat hook, waiting for the killer to return.

She is reminded of a recent zip-lining adventure to Costa Rica

with her female travel companion, with whom she shared expenses.

Zipline!

No!

I like my faces tenderized.

[ABIGAIL GRUNTING]

Whatever you're doing isn't working.

It's called zip line!

[GRUNTS]

[GROANING]

-Whew. -Are you okay?

[ABIGAIL GASPS]

[HEIDI YELLS]

I am now. Oh, nice kick, Heidi.

Oh, I'm not done.

Now I'm done.

-Oh, Abigail, oh! -Thank God.

-Here. ABIGAIL: Oh, thank you. Thank you.

[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]

[BOTH MOANING]

Let me down, Gilbert.

You know I'm not a fan of the kickstand.

I'll wait it out.

What the hell's going on here? I mean, I know what's going on here.

I would love to hear your account, so that I know that you are...

[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh, you've been learning from me, both you guys.

Earlier today, my niece and I were walking down Main Street,

and we noticed the new butcher shop by its sign.

It said "Canelli's Whole Meats."

This freezer's really cold.

Yeah, remind me to call her when I'm hanging photos

because those things could poke through plaster.

-Let's cover you up. -Ah!

-Heh-heh. -Thank you, dear.

It is very chilly in here, like a cucumber.

BILLS: Mm-hm. -Ah, yes. That's much better.

Nope.

Now they look like two jumbo marshmallows.

Then my niece showed me a photo that she had selfied on her portable phone.

The "and son" was painted after the murder.

And it was then we knew that Ben Jr. was, in fact, the murderer.

Can I hear it for the murder-solving ladies?

-[ABIGAIL CHUCKLES] -[WHISTLES]

Hey, hey, hey, man. Come on, be a little more professional.

Okay, ladies, just for shits and giggles, what would your next move be?

Arrest Ben Jr.!

Arrest Ben Jr.!

Ben Jr., you are under arrest. Get up. Ah!

Hold on to that meat because the food in prison is terrible!

I'm psyched. I love murder. You're really cool, Aunt Abigail.

I couldn't have done it

without your need to chronicle every detail of your life online.

Oh. Heh-heh.

Solved it!

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[THUD]

What in the squirrels?

You didn't have to hurl it like a football at my door, Jeremy!

Why'd it take so long to deliver? It's 11:30 at night.

It's like they're purposely using terrible photos of me.

That is hideous.

[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]

[VILLAINOUS LAUGHTER]

[COUGHING]

[LAUGHTER RESUMES]