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1
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-[GUN COCKS]
-Watch out, Aunt Abigail!
2
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You really shouldn't just wander
into someone's backyard
3
00:00:05,881 --> 00:00:07,090
while they're pumpkin shooting.
4
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America's so weird.
5
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I'm sorry to intrude, Mrs. Canelli.
6
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It's ex-Mrs. Canelli.
My maiden name is Twat.
7
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Do you mind if I ask a few questions,
ex-Mrs. Twat-Canelli?
8
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I guess so. Shoot.
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[GUNSHOT]
10
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Is it safe to assume
that you and Mr. Canelli didn't get along?
11
00:00:28,529 --> 00:00:32,199
We used to. When we first met,
our love was like an inferno.
12
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We would hump each other
three, four, five times a night,
13
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and never in the same room.
14
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TMI.
15
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Too much intercourse.
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But then I found out
he had a gambling problem
17
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and was stealing money from me.
18
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And how much money did your husband take?
19
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He blew my life savings.
20
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Eighteen hundred dollars.
21
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As in one thousand eight hundred?
22
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That's a pretty shitty amount of money
to kill someone for.
23
00:00:59,393 --> 00:01:01,478
I was never much of a saver.
24
00:01:01,562 --> 00:01:05,315
I'm addicted to QVC
and buying men drinks...
25
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that I met through QVC.
26
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[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
27
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I like to shop online too.
28
00:01:14,783 --> 00:01:17,786
I'm obsessed with vintage fanny packs.
29
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But sometimes, we buy things...
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to fill a hole in our lives.
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I hated him with every bone in my body,
except my vagina.
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-My vagina bone loved him.
-Mmm.
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And now my sweet Benji is dead.
34
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So many mixed feelings
about that horrible and adorable prick.
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I thank you for your time, Mrs. Twat.
36
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[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
37
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HEIDI:
It's so sad, Ben Jr. losing his dad
38
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on the day of the grand opening
of their store.
39
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Yes, the burden
of their burgeoning butcher business
40
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now belongs to Ben Jr.
41
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HEIDI:
Hold on.
42
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Aunt Abigail, look at this.
43
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Good gravy!
44
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When you reverse-pinched it,
it made the picture bigger.
45
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No.
46
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What's in the picture?
47
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Heidi, thanks to you,
I think I know who the murderer is.
48
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I'm off to Canelli's.
You go get the police.
49
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[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
50
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Aha.
51
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The paint is still wet.
52
00:03:07,354 --> 00:03:09,064
Sorry, we're closed for the night.
53
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I really love
the way you display all your jars.
54
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It's very artful.
Did you take art in school?
55
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Because you're
a very talented sign painter too.
56
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I don't know what you mean.
57
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The "and son."
58
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It was a very interesting
and telling addition.
59
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Clearly, it was painted
after your father's death.
60
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No, it wasn't.
61
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All you ever wanted was
for your father to appreciate you.
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[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
63
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I could never do anything right
in his eyes.
64
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Why couldn't he just put "and son"
on the sign?
65
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I'm listening. Let it out.
66
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I accidentally dropped
the large pork butt on my dad's foot,
67
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and he called me a waste of sperm.
68
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I snapped.
69
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Oh, my God.
70
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I killed my dad.
71
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[BEN JR. SOBBING]
72
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Child, come here.
73
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Come here.
74
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Everything is going to be all right.
75
00:04:15,172 --> 00:04:16,965
[SHOCKING MUSIC PLAYING]
76
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BEN JR.:
I'm really sorry, Mrs. Mapleworth.
77
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You're, like, the only person
who was ever nice to me,
78
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but I am gonna have to kill you.
79
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I can't go to prison. I'm way too pretty.
80
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You think so?
81
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I'll be right back to cut you up.
82
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Think, Abigail.
83
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How would you write yourself
out of this one?
84
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[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
85
00:04:42,324 --> 00:04:47,829
Mrs. Mapleworth hangs from the meat hook,
waiting for the killer to return.
86
00:04:47,913 --> 00:04:52,251
She is reminded of a recent
zip-lining adventure to Costa Rica
87
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with her female travel companion,
with whom she shared expenses.
88
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Zipline!
89
00:05:04,638 --> 00:05:06,890
No!
90
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I like my faces tenderized.
91
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[ABIGAIL GRUNTING]
92
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Whatever you're doing isn't working.
93
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It's called zip line!
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[GRUNTS]
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[GROANING]
96
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-Whew.
-Are you okay?
97
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[ABIGAIL GASPS]
98
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[HEIDI YELLS]
99
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I am now. Oh, nice kick, Heidi.
100
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Oh, I'm not done.
101
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Now I'm done.
102
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-Oh, Abigail, oh!
-Thank God.
103
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-Here.
ABIGAIL: Oh, thank you. Thank you.
104
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[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYING]
105
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[BOTH MOANING]
106
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Let me down, Gilbert.
107
00:05:56,398 --> 00:05:58,775
You know I'm not a fan of the kickstand.
108
00:05:59,985 --> 00:06:01,486
I'll wait it out.
109
00:06:01,570 --> 00:06:04,823
What the hell's going on here?
I mean, I know what's going on here.
110
00:06:04,907 --> 00:06:08,619
I would love to hear your account,
so that I know that you are...
111
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:10,287
[COMICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
112
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Uh, you've been learning from me,
both you guys.
113
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Earlier today, my niece and I
were walking down Main Street,
114
00:06:16,752 --> 00:06:20,380
and we noticed the new butcher shop
by its sign.
115
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It said "Canelli's Whole Meats."
116
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This freezer's really cold.
117
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Yeah, remind me to call her
when I'm hanging photos
118
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because those things
could poke through plaster.
119
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-Let's cover you up.
-Ah!
120
00:06:32,309 --> 00:06:34,895
-Heh-heh.
-Thank you, dear.
121
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It is very chilly in here,
like a cucumber.
122
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BILLS: Mm-hm.
-Ah, yes. That's much better.
123
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Nope.
124
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Now they look like two jumbo marshmallows.
125
00:06:46,073 --> 00:06:50,744
Then my niece showed me a photo that
she had selfied on her portable phone.
126
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The "and son" was painted
after the murder.
127
00:06:54,414 --> 00:06:59,962
And it was then we knew
that Ben Jr. was, in fact, the murderer.
128
00:07:00,045 --> 00:07:03,423
Can I hear it
for the murder-solving ladies?
129
00:07:03,507 --> 00:07:05,425
-[ABIGAIL CHUCKLES]
-[WHISTLES]
130
00:07:05,509 --> 00:07:09,179
Hey, hey, hey, man.
Come on, be a little more professional.
131
00:07:09,263 --> 00:07:13,100
Okay, ladies, just for shits and giggles,
what would your next move be?
132
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Arrest Ben Jr.!
133
00:07:14,142 --> 00:07:15,602
Arrest Ben Jr.!
134
00:07:15,686 --> 00:07:18,897
Ben Jr., you are under arrest. Get up. Ah!
135
00:07:18,981 --> 00:07:22,276
Hold on to that meat
because the food in prison is terrible!
136
00:07:22,359 --> 00:07:26,113
I'm psyched. I love murder.
You're really cool, Aunt Abigail.
137
00:07:26,196 --> 00:07:27,197
I couldn't have done it
138
00:07:27,281 --> 00:07:31,285
without your need to chronicle
every detail of your life online.
139
00:07:31,368 --> 00:07:33,078
Oh. Heh-heh.
140
00:07:33,912 --> 00:07:35,706
Solved it!
141
00:07:37,875 --> 00:07:40,878
[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]
142
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[THUD]
143
00:07:49,595 --> 00:07:53,015
What in the squirrels?
144
00:07:53,098 --> 00:07:57,186
You didn't have to hurl it
like a football at my door, Jeremy!
145
00:07:57,269 --> 00:08:01,273
Why'd it take so long to deliver?
It's 11:30 at night.
146
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:05,235
It's like they're purposely
using terrible photos of me.
147
00:08:05,319 --> 00:08:06,403
That is hideous.
148
00:08:06,486 --> 00:08:09,489
[MYSTERIOUS MUSIC PLAYING]
149
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[VILLAINOUS LAUGHTER]
150
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[COUGHING]
151
00:08:22,628 --> 00:08:24,463
[LAUGHTER RESUMES]
11080
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