Original subtitles

ABIGAIL: There's been a murder.

[dramatic music]

[bell dings]

- Abigail, you know I can't just let you barge into a crime scene.

- Gilbert, you know it's always helpful to have an extra set of eyes.

- Well, you do have a nice set. [laughs]

[clears throat] Of eyes.

I--wh--

what I mean is, you're a very observant woman.

I mean, you always notice when I lose an adult tooth.

- Let me take just a swift peek

and maybe I'll find something peculiar.

[gasps]

♪ ♪

Murder by ham!

- Chief of police here!

Oh.

You didn't tell me that Herlock Holmes was here.

- Chief of Police Bills.

- Mm. How'd she get in here?

- Through the front door?

- Not today, Gilbert.

No, not today, man.

You're about as sharp as a baked potato, man.

I know you got a theory. What happened here?

- Well, after solving 116 of your murders,

you'd think that I'd get a "Come on in."

- 116? Christ.

- It's our job as police officers,

Gilbert and I, to solve crimes.

It's your job as a writer to write your little stories

for lonely gals laying around eating chocolate.

The little round bonbons.

What are they called? The round bonbons.

You--and you got the little cherry inside.

- What, the maraschino cherry?

- Yeah, you bite it, and it's like the bonbon threw up in your mouth.

- Chief, my niece and I were here before the murder,

and we overheard some tidbits you may want to hear about.

- You are itching, about to burst, with the information.

Please. Huh?

I'd love to partake in that. How about you, Gilbert?

- Yeah. - Give it to us.

- It appears he was killed with ham--

- Ham! He was killed with ham.

- Approximately 15 minutes--

- 15 minutes ago! 15 minutes ago.

I was gonna say 15 minutes. You saw me, right?

But the spit got caught in my throat.

You didn't even pat my back to see if I was choking or not.

- There is definitely foul play-- - Foul play going on here!

There's so much foul play in this room, I can smell it.

Matter of fact, we gotta vent this room out

'cause some more foul play might happen.

- And if I was looking for a suspect,

I would check out the competing butcher.

He seems a little interested in what we're talking about.

- Hey, you're being pretty nosy right now for someone who's not guilty!

Puence, go get him! Get him!

Get him! Get him!

God damn it! Pull it, don't push it!

It's not a revolving door!

- Wow, Aunt Abigail, you're on a writing roll.

How's the novel coming along?

- Well, I haven't started it yet,

but I'm writing a diary entry about the nature of procrastination...

- Ha. - And very shortly,

I'm getting ready to almost start.

[keys clacking]

- I can't believe on my first day here, someone got murdered.

It's pretty cool.

- I mean, that's a normal afternoon in New Woodstream, dear.

[laughs]

But something isn't sitting quite right with me.

♪ ♪

[grunts]

Ah, there's where that went!

Well, now that I can think more clearly,

I don't think Andy Hapsburg is our murderer.

He wouldn't hurt a fly!

- Well, he's a butcher.

I've got an idea.

We should talk to the son.

Bet he knows all his dad's enemies.

- Now, Heidi, we must allow the police

to have enough time to do their jobs.

And that's enough time. Let's go.

- Yes.

- It was supposed to be our grand opening,

but it feels more like a bland opening.

I wanted to make him proud, and then he died.

- I'm so sorry. - Thanks.

I'm still gonna open today.

Dad would've wanted Canelli and Son to go on.

I owe him that.

The way he hated me was the way a father was supposed to hate his son.

- Ben Jr., I know this is a terrible time to ask, but--

- Who wanted to kill your dad?

- Easy, Heidi. [laughs]

His father just got murdered.

- Sorry. I had a generic Red Bull.

- That's all right. I'm riding on Adderall.

- What my niece meant to say was,

who do you think would want to murder your father?

- I have no idea who'd wanna ham my dad.

If I were you guys though, I'd talk to my mom.

She's-- - An asshole, we know.

- I was gonna say she's at home.

- My apologies. I misspoke.

- Well, thanks so much for the tip.

Um...

[solemn music]

Group shot.

♪ ♪

BILLS: Come on, Puence. Puence, come in.

- Puence here.

BILLS: I'm gonna come over there and sit next to you.

- Roger.

- [sighs]

What do we do here, Andy?

Oh, wow.

People saw you yelling at Canelli

before he was hammed.

- Billy, come on. You know I'm a yeller.

[yelling] It's how I deal with stress!

You know I would never hurt anyone.

[yelling] Except with my voice!

- You made me run today

in my standing slacks.

Oh, that makes me mad.

You know why?

'Cause my insurance does not cover chafing.

- I'm sorry.

I just got really nervous

when everyone turned around and looked at me

and Mrs. Mapleworth fingered me.

- The bottom line of this, Andy-- you're going to jail for murder.

[yelling] If you don't tell us

where the hell you were at 11:40!

- I got the perfect alibi.

[yelling] And the yelling thing is mine!

You came into my shop at 11:40.

- You know what? I was at your shop at 11:40.

- Yes.

- Yeah, I came in here...

I had a taste for bacon. I wanted some bacon.

- Right, remember?

You said you wanted to make some BLTs for lunch.

- Bacon, lettuce, and tomato. - BLT.

- I wanted to put it on wheat bread. - Mm-hmm.

- With a toothpick stuck in it like that.

- And then you got a phone call and you said, "Ope, I gotta go.

Someone's been murdered." - Yep, that's what happened.

- So am I free to go?

- Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, one more thing.

[dramatic music]

Now...

did I happen to leave that bacon on that counter?

That I purchased?

'Cause if I did, I wanna talk to you about getting a meat credit.

♪ ♪

- [whispering] I don't think so.

[sleuthing music]

- Must not be home.

[gunshot]

Was that a gunshot?

ABIGAIL: Something's amiss.

My Maple sense is tingling,

and not the sexy part.

Heidi, you wait here.

- No.

♪ ♪

- Now, when you're probing someone,

you have to go for the sweets before you get the deets.

[gun cocks] - Watch out, Aunt Abigail!

[dramatic musical flourish] [gunshot]