Original subtitles

- Good morning, New Woodstream.

Let's have a day of it.

[light music]

♪ ♪

Good morning, Peter.

Saw your wife. She told me everything.

[cat meows]

[gasps] Well, who are you, sir?

I'm going to name you hungry for now.

And you can call me sucker.

Let's go. Come on in.

You're gonna love it.

Izzy, I have very exciting news.

Today I am going to start my first ever full-length novel.

No more procrastination.

Now you go lay down in your orthopedic bed.

Good darling.

And begin.

[phone rings]

Abigail Mapleworth. To whom am I speaking?

- Hey, it's Jerry, your agent. How's the novel coming?

- Jerry, I've written 64 murder mystery novellas.

I think I've got this.

I once wrote a Yelp review that was 20 pages long

about a restaurant that used balsamic that was not house-made, as claimed.

- Okay, well, I'll let you work your magic.

- There's nothing magic about murder, Jerry.

And you should also wear pants when you're in the office.

- How did you--

I hate when you do that.

- All right. For real this time, Abigail.

And begin.

[doorbell dings]

Oh, my goodness gracious. [dogs barking]

No bark! [barking stops]

[gasps] Heidi?

- Hi, Aunt Abigail. - Ohh, come in here!

Look at you!

Oh, you've grown into such a beautiful young gal.

I thought you were going to be a little mushroom like I am,

but your legs got in the game just in time.

- Mom and Dad said thanks so much for letting me stay here.

- Of course. - It was either this

or go home to Australia, you know, back in the marsupial pouch.

- Oh. [laughs] [dogs barking]

- Oh! - Oh, here are all the babies

from my marsupial pouch. - Hi! Ohh.

- Oh, and give her kisses. Oh, kisses!

So your parents tell me that you're going to be finishing college

at New Woodstream instead of Princeton.

- Uh, that reminds me. I've gotta go online

and register for classes. - Hm.

- Um, what's your Wi-Fi?

- It's Wireless Network.

- You should change that.

Uh, password? - Oh.

WXRT443MQ123four--

the four is spelled F-O-U-R--

and then an entire line of asterisks

that just look like a little blanket of snow.

- It's a strong password.

- And if you need anything at all, at any time, you just--

[rings bell]

Dingy-ding. And I'll be right in that bed right there.

- Wait, we're sleeping right next to each other?

- Mm. - Don't you have, like,

three other bedrooms? - I do.

There's one for the dogs, one for the cats,

and then the third one is where they all meet for parties.

[light music]

♪ ♪

As you can see, Heidi,

the town square is quite the bevy of activity.

This is my favorite shop All windchimes all the time,

and it's open till 11:00. - [chuckles]

I can't post any of these. Is it possible to have negative bars?

- Oh, there's a grand opening sign up there.

Something is exciting.

Let's check it out.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah, it says it's a hot spot. Let's go.

- Well, I mean, it hasn't opened.

That's pretty cocky to call themselves a hot spot. [chuckles]

- No, it's an Internet hot spot.

- Congrats on your big opening, jackass.

Maybe you can finally pay me back the money

you sucked from my savings, you prick.

I hope you die soon!

And if you don't, let me know, so I can kill you myself!

[screams]

- Sorry about that. That's my ex-wife.

She's an asshole.

So what do you think of the shop?

- It's very nice. I don't usually frequent meat markets.

- Oh, God damn it, Ben Jr.!

What are you doing now?

- Oh, I wanted to display my homemade dry rub.

- [mocking] Dry rub.

You know what I wanted? A daughter.

- You have Samantha.

- Yeah, but she's a shithead.

Now get that crap out of here!

Be better!

- Yes, sir.

- Come on. Move it!

God damn, that boy's got about as much common sense

as a bee in a camper toilet.

Just like his mom, the asshole from earlier. Hm.

- Um, excuse me, what's your Wi-Fi?

- Wireless Network.

Password is A1B2C3D4

and then that little squiggle that goes over Ns in Mexican words.

ABIGAIL: Okay.

- Canelli.

Get out of here, Andy Hapsberg.

- You get out of here, and by out of here,

I mean out of this town!

I've been the New Woodstream butcher since 1987.

- Well, we're all tired of your limp meats.

- You're gonna be closed and out of business in 30 days.

- Over my dead body.

- Well, I can arrange that!

- I'd like to see you try to kill me!

- Stop this nonsense.

You two are grown men.

I'm trying to show my young niece around the beauty of New Woodstream,

and you two are acting like ridiculous pussies

going at it hard in the alley.

- Wow.

- Now shake hands.

That's it. I believe in no time you two will be fast friends,

sharing grinder stories and comparing the size of your giblets

over a cold beer.

- That was surprisingly fun.

- Wait till you meet the women's crochet league.

Now those are some skilled hookers.

- That was for you, Heidi. - [laughs]

And finally, this is the western New Woodstream cemetery.

- Aunt Abigail, this is the fourth cemetery you've shown me.

- Well, the rest of them are closed on Mondays.

Now let's go have a luncheon.

- Who says luncheon?

- I just did. Did you not hear me?

And that's my favorite place to get sanitary napkins.

[police siren wailing]

Oh, Heidi.

I'm going to have to take off my tour guide hat for a moment

and exchange it for a mystery-solving tam.

Let's get to snooping.

- Okay, yeah.

- Gilbert, has there been a crime committed?

- Ouch, ah, hey, Abigail. [chuckles]

Not sure. I was just about to go check it out myself, but--

[siren wails] [laughs] Gol dang it.

This thing's on the fritz again.

[laughs] It's possessed.

Ohh. Okay.

[siren stops]

Oh, wait, Abigail. You know the drill.

You gotta let me go in first. Come on!

- Heidi, turn away, dear.

[dramatic music]

There's been a murder.