All language subtitles for MOMOPO

Come on! Thank you!

Wow!

Thank you very much!

Wow. Perfect.

Thank you so much.

Okay, alright, I want to address
the elephant in the room

Straight off the bat, yes,

I am wearing a short
skirt on a raised stage.

[LAUGHTER]

I am fully aware that,
decisions were made.

I'm committed to it now.

So let's, you know... sorry

[LAUGHTER]

What happens here stays here.

I also, I also want
to address the fact

that I haven't shaved my
legs for the performance.

And I... yes very brave.

I am a hero

and I wish I could say
that that was like

some sort of cool like
articulation of my feminism

or something like that.

It is not that. It is
I'm just very lazy.

[LAUGHTER]

I forgot.

But I honestly do think, I
have a theory that most...

I think most acts
of radical feminism

were born out of laziness.

And do you know what I mean?

Yeah, I too would
rather burn my bra

than wash it by hand.

[LAUGHTER]

Like fucking Charlie Bucket's
mother or some shit.

[LAUGHTER]

Stirring old bra soup
with a wooden spoon.

[LAUGHTER]

I am not that.

So, welcome to the show.

Thank you for coming.

The show is called Horn Dog,
as you can see from the stage.

[LAUGHTER]

At this point if the show
wasn't called Horn Dog

I would have some questions,
you know what i mean?

I am fully that it's an
incredibly intense name

I think for a show that
is actually basically...

this show is about love.

So if you did come
tonight expecting

like, you know, like
a sexy sex show,

[LAUGHTER]

So sorry.

What you're about
to see is an hour

of sensitive comedy from
a 27 year old Pisces.

So, whoa!

Raunchy! Want some!

[LAUGHTER]

And when I said the
show about love

I don't want to freak you out.

That sounds pretty
heavy, very deep.

It is not a TED Talk, I can
promise you that much.

It's not one of those
fucking comedy shows

where it's like, oh,
there's a lesson

to be learned at the end of it.

I hate that kind of shit.

[LAUGHTER]

It's not the kind of
show where it's like

Oh, in 2009 I ran over a cat

and I learned about empathy.

Like it's not...

[LAUGHTER]

And when I say a cat, I
mean biological father.

And when I say empathy
I mean the patriarchy.

[LAUGHTER]

It's not that kind of show.

It's a show, it's a
silly show about love.

And it was actually inspired by

something that happened to me
a couple of years ago,

something big that
happened to me.

And that is that
I read this book

that changed my life
and a huge way.

It sounds very cheesy
but it's true.

And this book

essentially it was all about
how the meaning of life

ends up being the
things that you pay

attention to the most
in your life, right?

So the things you love the most,

and your entire life ends up
being the very meaning of it.

And I thought that was
an incredible thing

to kind of, you know,
do a comedy show about.

And obviously when I
do say I read a book,

what I do actually mean there
is I listened to a podcast

[LAUGHTER]

with a review of that book
because I am 27 years old.

I haven't read a book in four
fucking years, okay.

[LAUGHTER]

Four more years!
Four more years!

[LAUGHTER]

Books suck! [LAUGHTER]

Anyway, no? Okay.

How can I even read a book

when I can't even afford
a house to read it in?

[LAUGHTER]

Don't clap that.

I don't even know what
that means, right?

Anti-boomer humour
at the start there.

And also when I say I'm doing
a show about love, right,

I don't necessarily
mean romantic love.

I don't mean romantic love.

I feel like it's a difficult
thing to talk about, romantic
love,

especially when you're a
female comedian, I think.

Because I think a lot of people
when you're a woman,

your're a female comedian
talking about that

they just don't think
that you're...

They kind of get worried about
you a little bit, right,

Like I feel like real
pity when I talk about

anything remotely
emotional onstage.

It's the exact same form of pity

and you guys might know this.

It's the same sort of
pity I feel as a woman

when I eat alone
in a restaurant.

That is the [LAUGHTER] exact...

A few knowing laughs
[LAUGHTER] out there.

I went, oh, this is true.

I went to Palm Springs recently
on holiday, alone,

because obviously I am
doing well financially

but not well mentally,
okay? [LAUGHTER]

Swings in roundabouts, yeah?

And I will tell you this,

going into a restaurant or
asking for a table for one

and ordering a steak and martini

is a suicide note
in any language.

So [LAUGHTER]

I am not gonna be
talking about anything

remotely emotional tonight

because, I mean, like love
it doesn't necessarily

just mean romance.

It's such a broad
concept, right.

Like even the word love,

it's a word that operates
in different ways

depending on what context
you use it in, right.

Like for instance I'll
give you an example.

So, I could say, for
example, I could say that

I love spaghetti carbonara.

Yes, that is true, thank
you for the room, yeah.

But it doesn't mean I want to
make love to spaghetti
carbonara.

See the difference?
Clearly not.

That must be [LAUGHTER]
holy shit, wild night.

Okay. I'll give you
another example

of the use of the word love.

I could say that I love my
cat, yes, that is true.

It doesn't mean they want
to eat my cat, yeah?

[LAUGHTER]

See the difference with the
use of the word love there?

And the weirdest example
is that I don't

even like the actor
Armie Hammer,

but I want to fuck him and eat
him, yeah. [LAUGHTER]

He's so mysterious the
way he [UNCLEAR].

So, I knew that I had
to focus this show

on a very, very specific
type of love, a type of love

I think I've gravitated
towards my entire life

And that is that I am a very
obsessive person by nature,

and that is the approach
I take to love.

I fucking go hard or go home
[LAUGHTER] alright?

I have some style, and
I often use the word

to describe this
obsessive kind of love.

I use the word horny to
describe this type of love.

I don't know if anyone else
does that. Probably not.

Cause it is the wrong
use of that word, yeah?

[LAUGHTER]

But it's the only
word I could find

in the English language
that describes

this very specific type of
love, this obsessive love

that almost feels like it's
bursting out of your heart
sometimes.

It like compels you to
do like the wildest,

craziest things in
your life, right?

And it was the only
word I could find.

And so I was say this
to my friend, Jack,

about the show, I was like,

oh, I've got a show
called Horn Dog.

Horny's the only
word that describes

this particular type of
love I wanna talk about.

it's the best thing
on your heart,

and you do the wildest
craziest things.

And he was like, oh, yeah,
you mean passion?

[LAUGHTER]

AAnd I was like, what?

And he went, you mean
the word of passion?

And I was like, yes, I did.

[LAUGHTER]

So now I've got a
show called Horn Dog

cause I didn't go on
Thessaurus.com, yeah?

But I was still struggling
to find examples

of what I mean by this
horny type of love.

I feel like we're still
not on the same page

[LAUGHTER] with this concept.

And I didn't find
the perfect example

until I was back home.

I was back in Auckland, New
Zealand, where I'm originally
from.

And... oh, a few
of us, fantastic.

I was back home. Okay,
now I want to take care

to say the next bit in the
coolest way I possibly can.

I was attending a K-pop
convention [LAUGHTER], people.

Yes, a few ca fans of
K-pop in the crowd.

If you don't know what
K-pop is fucking sick,

it's Korean pop music.

It's so good, go on YouTube
tonight, treat yourself to it.

Fall down that
rabbit hole, yeah.

But what I saw at this
K-pop convention was

this dance floor that
was set up in the

middle of the event
space, right,

and right next to the dance
floor there was this kind of

little group of kind of
shy, really reserved

kind of quiet teenage girls,

not talking to each other at
all, really meek looking girls.

And as soon as the loudspeakers
started playing a K-pop song

that they recognised,
all of them,

without speaking to each other,

would stand up, get
onto the dance floor

and then perform these
amazingly well rehearsed,

meticulously choreographed dance
routines to these songs.

And when I saw that I was like,

this is what I'm fucking
talking about, okay?

[LAUGHTER]

This is horniness right
here, okay. [LAUGHTER]

This is girls putting
a hundred percent

into something that is
so not worth it, okay?

[LAUGHTER]

This is what I mean! Yes!

And obviously that was what
I was feeling in my heart

and in my head, clearly
what I didn't realise

was you're all virgins
[LAUGHTER] because...

I wanna add on I call
it like I see it.

Bit of a legend. And, also I
have the hindsight of knowing

that low self-esteem is actually
an asset to a teenage girl, yes?

Ooh, that didn't go down
well tonight, that's so

[LAUGHTER]

Would anyone disagree?

Is that a crazy thing to say?

I'll put it this way,
has anyone recently

met a teenager with
high self-esteem?

Has anyone done that? Yeah.

Because, yeah, it's fucked
up, yeah [LAUGHTER].

it's disgusting, yeah,
it's against my beliefs

and they're dangers
to their communities

and they need to be
stopped [LAUGHTER].

I will say this right
here on this stage,

the only two good things,

the only two good things
we got out of teens

with high self-esteem,
I'll say it right now,

are Malala Yousafzai
[LAUGHTER], okay,

and the Lizzie
McGuire film, okay?

[LAUGHTER]

And please don't clap for the
Lizzie McGuire film [LAUGHTER]

or for Malala Yousafzai.

I guess Greta Thunberg,
she's pretty good,

she's a good yeah,
she's a yeah we fa

we love Greta [CHEERING],
oh yeah, we love Greta.

We love calling Greta
just Greta' because

we're all very scared
to say her last name.

And so [LAUGHTER] love Greta
Thunberg, yeah. [LAUGHTER].

I love her, she's awesome.
She's obviously so great.

What I will say [LAUGHTER]...

is... it's very quiet at this
point in show [LAUGHTER]

Nothing bad. I honest .
I love her, obviously.

What I will say is that, and I
might sound old-fashioned.

But in my day we called a
nerd a nerd [LAUGHTER]

We called a nerd a
nerd, and it's fine.

You're a fucking little nerd,
okay? And that's okay.

You can be a nerd.
Greta is amazing,

but she strikes me as
the type of teenager

who knows a lot about wine,
you know [LAUGHTER].

That's that teenager, you know,

she like brings like a
natural wine to pre drinks

and you're like, hmm,
thanks Greta [LAUGHTER],

put it on the communal table,
this. Pretty cool, right?

I just fundamentally think that
teenagers should not have
personalities, is that crazy?

[LAUGHTER]

I just don't think you should
have you can have interests,
that's fine.

I loved Garfield [LAUGHTER]
as a kid, right?

I honestly think it's just
a red flag when parents

introduce their children

with like a very strong
personality identifier, like a
mum's like, this is Caitlyn.

Caitlyn, she's eight years
old, she's very outspoken.

[LAUGHTER]

She's very outspoken.

And she says that because
you're not allowed to

call your own daughter a cunt,
ou know what I mean?

[LAUGHTER]

You're not allowed.

It's not okay to use words, you
can have outspoken, you know.

But I just think children should
be basic, that's what they
should be. I was basic.

I was basic as fuck as a
teenager. I was a little basic
bitch.

I was proud of it little BB,
little BB. Little BB queen.
Little BB king.

Right, now, [LAUGHTER]

Now, what that was, was me
trying to appeal to two very
different sides of the crowd
there

and somehow missing both
[LAUGHTER] alright?

I was basic, though, and that's
fine, I mean, I it wasn't like

What's so weird is I feel like
there was an obsession with
girls not being basic

with girls trying to figure out,
young girls trying to figure out

who they were at a really,
really early age.

And my parents they tried
desperately to imbue me with a
sense of personality as a child.

And I knew this because my
mother, in the early 2000s

she almost exclusively only
dressed me in sassy slogan
t-shirts, right [LAUGHTER].

That is all she dressed me in,
and what I think she forgot

and I think a lot of the
designers of those shirts forgot
as well,

is that sometimes, sometimes,
a nine-year-old child

does not have the
confidence or the knowledge

to sort of back some of
those slogans up, right?

[LAUGHTER]

Most of them I didn't know
what the fuck they meant.

I had one, very simple,
very elegant, one word.

Glittery fog. One word,
it just said, fragile'.

[LAUGHTER]

What does it mean?

'Fragile'.

I had another one, I had another
one, it was very
confrontational.

It said another one said,
Don't bug me!' [LAUGHTER]

Don't bug me, man. Yeah.

But, guys, the crazy thing about
this one, right, was that
instead of the word bug'

[LAUGHTER]

they put a picture of a
bug, right? [LAUGHTER]

But they fucked up because
the bug they chose

out of any bug you could
choose, was a bee.

[LAUGHTER].

So, every day I had
nine-year-old boys coming up to
me and being like

Don't be you, who the fuck would
wanna be you, piece of shit?
[LAUGHTER]

And I was like, fair enough,
fair enough. Says it on the
t-shirt, right?

I had one I had another one
that my auntie got me, it was
very ahead of its time,

it said, um, uh,
Girls are human too'.

[LAUGHTER]

And this was incredible and so
ahead of its time I think
because this was the early
2000s.

It was years and years before
Taylor Swift had invented
feminism, you know what I mean?

[LAUGHTER]

It was really ahead of its time.

I still think that there's
something that we I've grown
up, I still think I kind of
withered, though,

I feel like we're sold all these
fucking bullshit slogans that
mean nothing.

I feel like there's a there's a
sense of self-esteem that I want
to

I want to see if you guys know
what I'm talking about here.

It's a type of self-esteem I
have started calling adult white
girl self-esteem, okay?

An inaudible hush has descended
upon the audience there
[LAUGHTER].

I feel like that's really my
target demo, uh [LAUGHTER].

Also, I think people get really
itchy when I say that sort of
stuff.

I've got to remind you I am half
white so I'm allowed to say
those sort of things, yeah
[LAUGHTER]

But I'm also half brown as
well, so I can laugh at you

[LAUGHTER] And it's a
gorgeous privilege there.

And what I'm talking about,
okay, I'll explain myself

adult white girl self-esteem
is the type of self-esteem

and self-belief that I
felt I feel like is is

it's a commodified sense, a
commercialised sense of
self-esteem and self-belief

largely sold to adult white
women, sometimes appropriating
other cultures along the way.

That's all I'm talking about
when I talk about adult white
girls self-esteem, okay?

And I will move on cause this
bit is not going well
[LAUGHTER].

I feel like I'm not I feel like
I always need to defend this
bit.

Okay, what I'll say
is, [LAUGHTER]

And before I say the next bit

I want to remind you that I say
it with nothing but love and
light in my heart.

[LAUGHTER]

So, if this applies to you,
do not take this personally.

But what I mean by this is that
for instance if you were over
the age of twenty-five years old

and you are still
buying notebooks

[LAUGHTER]

from Primeart, yeah, that say
shit on the front of them

like, 'I woke up like this'
[LAUGHTER] like hashtag
flawless, right,

I think what you actually might
be is inherently full of flaws,
yeah.

[LAUGHTER]

Do you know what I'm
talking about here?

These like fucking faux feminist
slogans that we're sold

like they don't even mean
anything, they're just words
next to each other at this point

and just be like, my other
unicorn's a feminist, like
[LAUGHTER] what does it mean?!

[LAUGHTER]

Self-care on
[UNCLEAR], like what?

What are you saying?

What are you actually saying?

I just wanna know, and I
promise I will move on.

But I will say this, who looks
at a fucking pencil case
[LAUGHTER] that says

you're amazeballs' on
it at a time of need

and is genuinely like,
[LAUGHTER] I really needed that
today.

[LAUGHTER]

Get help, seek
professional help instead.

I always feel so
mean saying that.

And I don't mean you can have
as much self-esteem as you want
but I just

I think there's a limit, I think
there's a limit, honestly,

And I think I've hit the limit,
I found the perfect level of
self-esteem

and that is that
as an adult woman,

and I think some of you might
possess this confidence
yourself.

I truly have the belief in
myself, I truly believe that

sometimes I can measure a length
between the two tips of my index
fingers

and then travel

[LAUGHTER]

with that measurement to
the other side of a room

and believe that it will
be at all accurate there?

That's all confidence
you ever need, right?

So, um, where was I?

Okay, I was at this K-pop
convention, right?

I was at the K-pop convention
obviously being hauled away

by security because of my
comments to these children,
yeah,

and as I was, I was like, Rose,
that is so fucking rich of you
to be yelling

that kind of shit out to those
girls because when you were
their age

you were exactly the
same as them, right?

You were always putting a
hundred percent into things that
were totally not worth it.

And also you were as much of a
fucking little virgin as any one
of those girls on that dance
floor [LAUGHTER], right,

because I did not realise to the
extent of which I was truly,
truly a virgin, right,

spiritually and physically,
right [LAUGHTER].

I didn't realise this until
very, very recently and that was
very recently

when I became obsessed, and I
think a lot of people in this
country did as well.

I got obsessed with Love Island.

[CHEERING]
Any fans?

Yes? Fans in the crowd?

I love it, it, I'm
fucking obsessed.

I want to go on it.
I want to go on it.

Ooh, and thank you for
your support there.

[LAUGHTER]

That was absolutely damning
there [LAUGHTER], fuck you.

I think I'd be amazing on Love
Island, I honestly, I would be
so good.

But for me, just like ideally
like a few little tweaks to the
format just to like suit my
personality.

So, okay, alright,
hear me out, I will.

Okay, so instead of like a villa
in Spain, like they all go to
like South Africa or whatever,

we get to go to like a very old
mansion in the countryside.

And then instead of wearing like
misguided like crop tops and
like all the crop tops

and like, you know, little
bikinis, we get to wear like
full sweaters to cover

the mic packs, and [LAUGHTER]
instead of going there to find
love, we're all there to solve

we're all there to solve
a murder. [LAUGHTER]

And saying it out loud now, I do
think I'm just describing Cluedo
there. [LAUGHTER]

I just wanna buy Cluedo, this
is a side note, and I will

I will just briefly mention
this, I could always tell as a
teenager which one of my

friends was the most sexually
active by which one of them
chose Miss Scarlet [LAUGHTER]

as their character, it'd be like
Cluedo, so every time a friend
would choose her, I'd

I'd be like, the girl's
touched a dick, like

[LAUGHTER]

Man respect, man respect.

And I'd be like, Mrs White
for me then [LAUGHTER]

I've never touched a dick myself
[UNCLEAR] out of that.

But so we got obsessed with
Love Island in our household and
what we did was we figured

out our love statistics
of our life time.

So, I figured out people, I
figured out from the beginning

all the way from zero,
all the way to the end.

Now, I had kissed nine people in
my entire life and I thought
that was actually an entirely

average amount until I asked one
other person, okay, [LAUGHTER]
turns out that's pretty

fucking low, right, especially
considering the fact that I had
literally never rejected

anyone in my life,
right, [LAUGHTER], ever.

I run a very open home policy
when it comes to that sort of
stuff.

Come on in, choose one, choose
all, it's all fine, it's fine.

And it's crazy, I kissed nine
men in my life, right, and I
honestly think

that subconsciously there I am
holding out at single digits
with men because I think

once I hit double digits it does
mean that I am definitely
straight

and I am not ready
for that [LAUGHTER].

Not my future, not my president,
yeah, that's a horrible thing to
sign up for, right,

because it's the worst
of all of them.

[LAUGHTER]

If that makes sense, right?

It's the worst sexuality
gender combination.

I know it's very un-PC
to rank them, right?

[LAUGHTER]

But it is at the bottom, it's,
it's worse than being a straight
man

if you actually think
about it, right?

Yeah, I said it [LAUGHTER].

But what it means is that given
all of the options in the world

for any sexual
partner we desire,

we still went with fucking
dudes, like what is going
through my mind?

What kind of poor
decision-making skills

does that reflect upon our
community, especially at a time
like this?

Holy shit! [LAUGHTER]

Tough time to be a straight
woman, I'll say that much
[LAUGHTER].

Oh my God.

So, I've got a lot of straight
male friends, yeah, because I am
an ally [LAUGHTER].

And they say, they're like,
Rose, it's a tough time to be a
decent man.

Yeah, do you know, yeah, you
know what's a little bit harder,
is trying to be

a straight woman at
a time like this

given what we know about
you now, okay, [LAUGHTER].

And the only accurate way I've
come to describing what that
truly feels like,

to be a straight woman at times
like these, is it almost feels
like trying to recommend

a restaurant that has given you
food poisoning eight times, okay
[LAUGHTER].

That's truly what it feels like,
you tell your friends to go,
you're like, no, no, no

just go, just go, don't go
online, don't read the reviews,
don't read that,

Don't go on Yelp, that's fine,
that's fine, not all
restaurants, yeah, not all
restaurants, yeah?

They're good, they're
really good, trust me.

And I but I still love men, I
love to kiss them, [LAUGHTER] I

I do, and I don't
even think it's...

I don't even think it's
necessarily the fact that I like
men,

I think it's the type of men
I traditionally go for.

An it's a very specific type, I
don't know if you ha yeah, I
think you have them

in the UK, we definitely have
them in New Zealand, total
fucking nightmares.

Do you have [LAUGHTER] that
strain up here as well?

And it's my type on paper, my T
on P, I go towards that
[LAUGHTER].

And, I don't know, I'm just so
easily forgiving of men, and
also on the flip side,

I'm so easily impressed by men
as well, that is my problem.

Oh my God, if a man can show a
moderate level of skill in
literally anything,

fucking sign me up,
[LAUGHTER] honest to God.

I feel like a man if I see like
a man leaf-blowing, [LAUGHTER]
if the man like knows like the
right

oil that has like a low smoke
point to cook a steak, what,
what...

If a man can fold a fitted
bedsheet [LAUGHTER] bellissimo,
yeah.

I genuinely think that men with
this shit together could be
quite a popular porn category.

That would be [LAUGHTER] insane.

I met a guy the other day
who could drive a boat.

I'm sorry, what? [LAUGHTER]

What the fuck are
you talking about?

That is the coolest thing ever.

It was like, I tell you what,
his name was Calum, let's call
Calum [LAUGHTER]

But his name might not
be Calum [LAUGHTER].

And he shit.

Shit.

And he was I don't want to say
ugly, that's a very, that's a
very

[LAUGHTER] that's a
very strong word.

It's hard to describe
what he looked like.

Do you know that do you know
that bit in an apricot that goes
in? [LAUGHTER]

Do you know that little bit,
that little divot, that little ?

That times two were
his eye sockets, okay.

[LAUGHTER] Little wrap-around
pair of Dirty Dogs covering that
shit up.

His face was symmetrical but
in a bad way, yeah [LAUGHTER].

So, he wasn't like my type but
by the end of that hour long
boat ride

I wanted to fuck Calum,
okay [LAUGHTER].

Because if he can drive one it's
the sexiest thing I could ima

Can anyone drive a boat
in the crowd tonight?

Okay [LAUGHTER].

Classy.

That's fucking bullshit cause
there's like three hundred
people in here.

I'm waiting for the day where I
ask that and I just see like a
captain in the crowd

slowly take off his own hat
[LAUGHTER], put it under his
seat.

I want no part of this, you
dirty girl [LAUGHTER].

He'd be right to.

I'd be after him, right, because
if you can drive a boat

I don't care what you look like,
I don't care who you are.

You can have kidnapped me,
you could have kidnapped me

and you're driving me to the
middle of a lake to dump my body

if you're driving the boat I'm
still gonna get some vibes
going.

You know what I mean?

[LAUGHTER] Like

I'd be like, so, do you own the
boat or is it like a shared
thing with friends or...?

I love it, love these cushions,
vinyl, wipe down easy, that's
great, that's great.

[LAUGHTER] That's what you do.

Do you have a Bluetooth
speaker or ?

It's horrible, like I'm a flu

I'm a floos [LAUGHTER].

No one said that word for
twenty years [LAUGHTER].

But it's the most accurate
description, I'm such a floos.

I've got such an obsessive
energy when it comes to guys I
think.

And I don't know
where it comes from.

But I can pinpoint when these
feelings started I think, and I
feel like all these obsessive

feelings about guys and even
just obsessive feelings in
general I can pinpoint

those started around the ages of
like ten or eleven for me.

And I was writing the show,
obviously the penny dropped,
obviously that coincides with

another huge moment in my life,
which was for me the beginning
of puberty, right.

So obviously there was a
connection between these
obsessive feelings and, you know

starting that journey of
discovering one's sexuality,
right?

So, I want to do this thing.

I think you guys will be up for
it, I want to take us back in
time.

I want to take us on a little
time travel trip, if that is
okay with you guys?

I'm gonna take you back to the
ancient year of 2005, okay.

We've got a few visual aids
here for you [LAUGHTER].

And also we've got some audio
kind of, to kind of key you back
into 2005, alright?

[MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHTER]
2005, are we there?

Are we there?

Alright.

2005, the OC makes its broadcast
premiere on New Zealand
television

the very same year I get my
first period, coincidence?

Hell no! [LAUGHTER]

I got my first period at a
school camp, of all places, I
remember my friend

Sophie Smith was standing
outside the toilet cubicle when
it happened, I started crying

and she started laughing because
she thought I was doing a
hilarious gag.

So, not only a big day for me
where I became a woman, but also
a crack-up entertainer.

Uh, [LAUGHTER] first gag, right.

And it was such an interesting
time to kind of start this
journey because 2005

it was the era of which I can
only accurately describe to you
guys

as the era of the
early 2000s Internet.

Does anyone remember the
early 2000s Internet?

Yes, a murmur of
recognition there.

Oh my God, do you remember it
was fucking crazy, okay
[LAUGHTER].

It was entirely
unsupervised, wasn't it?

Our parents didn't know what the
fuck we were up to on the
internet.

It was like the wild, wild
west out there [LAUGHTER]

We could do whatever
the fuck we wanted to

as long as our parents didn't
need to use the phone,
[LAUGHTER] it was okay then.

It was nuts.

I thought it was a mad shit,
I invented the dark web.

I invented the dark
web [LAUGHTER],

That was me, it was an accident,
I started a guild on Neopets
[LAUGHTER]

and then everybody
just kept joining.

I was like, oh, this is the dark
web now, that's [LAUGHTER]

And when I was a teenager, I
think deeper into the 2000s it
was an even more specific,

period of time where I think
technologically two generations

were very much
overlapping each other.

So, for a brief moment in the
2000s, I don't know if anyone
remembers this

there was one year where we all
owned mobile phones, yeah.

But we all still owned
digital cameras as well.

[LAUGHTER]

Do you remember that one year?

I was all over that shit as
well, I was all over it.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

Kercha!

Yes!

So, that was me.

I was, a horny teenager with
access to the early unsupervised
Internet

The world was my oyster.

The only problem was that boys
did not like me [LAUGHTER].

I really had to sing that to get
the pain of the statement,
right.

And, it's true, boys
just did not like me.

I was into

I was very unpopular with boys.

I think it was because
of a number of reasons.

I had curly hair, I had curly
hair as a teenager, still do
[LAUGHTER]

But it was a problem because I
think at the time in the 2000s
like sleek

really straight hair was kind of
the fashion, and it really it
kind of makes me happy

because I think now curly hair
is having a real resurgence.

Everyone's very positive about
curly hair, it's fantastic.

Yeah, it's fantastic.
[CHEERING]

But okay, that might come from
someone who has curly hair
themselves, right?

[LAUGHTER] I wanna know, I still
feel like, as a curly-haired
person in this era,

I feel like there's an air of
condescension behind some of the
compliments you get for your
curly hair.

There always is, because
it always comes from

someone who does not possess
curly hair themselves, okay.

So it'd always be like a
middle-aged woman who's like,
Rose, oh, my God, I lo

I love your curls, I love
your curls [LAUGHTER].

Ooh, they look gorgeous and you
know what you are so brave, you
are so brave.

It takes guts to do what you do.

Yeah, and I'm like, it takes
guts to do what?

And they're like, you
know, argh! [LAUGHTER]

Argh, be ugly.

Uh, [LAUGHTER] you go,
you go, girlfriend.

And I think it was the curly
hair, it was also like as a
teenager

I so I had flat feet as a
teenager, it was that, it was
that

and nothing to do with my
personality, okay [LAUGHTER].

I have genetically flat feet as
well, I don't know if anyone
else has that.

It's horrible.

I've had that since birth.

But that wasn't something my
parents cared to fill me in on,
right?

I had to find out that I have
completely flat feet at school,

getting out of the
school swimming pool,

walking to the girls changing
rooms and just hearing one girls
scream

whose footprints are
those?! [LAUGHTER]

So that was chill, that
was chill as hell, right.

What?

I will say this, I had a really,
as a teenager I had a really bad
case

of resting bitchface
as a teenage girl,

and I wasn't even using that
term as an adult because
obviously it's a horrible term

because it's inherently
gendered, right, people only
describe women as having

resting bitchface because people
only describe women as being
bitches.

Nobody describes a
man as being a bitch

no matter how hard I try to get
that off the ground, okay
[LAUGHTER].

Call a man a bitch tonight
alright, start some shit.

But it's rooted in this fucked
up expectation that women should
always be

smiling and laughing and looking
approachable to men.

But for men, the exact opposite
is true because resting
bitchface, that's your default
face, fellas.

I hate to tell you,
right [LAUGHTER].

But and I hate the double
standard of that, but part of
me, honestly part of me deep
down

is kind of okay with it because
I do prefer it to the
alternative because I think we
can

all agree that there is nothing
more terrifying than a man who
is constantly smiling, okay,
fellas.

[LAUGHTER] Far more
disconcerting.

When I see a man who's always
smiling I get the same feeling
in the pit of my stomach

I feel when I see a dolphin
smile [LAUGHTER], I don't know
if anyone else has seen one.

Has anyone seen a
dolphin smile recently?

It's fucking terrifying, okay.

I don't trust anything
where you can see

all of its teeth at the same
time when it smiles, right, it's
horrible.

[MUSIC PLAYS] It's

I mean, that took four hours to
edit [LAUGHTER], worth it?

No.

Sweet, that's what I thought it
was, the curly hair and the flat
feet

and the resting bitchface, that
meant that didn't have a
boyfriend as a teenager.

That was until my friends from
school came and saw this show
and they were like, Rose,

I don't know if it was like the
curly hair or the flat feet, I
think it was the

fact that you brought a leather
briefcase to school [LAUGHTER]
every day for four years.

And I was like, I don't see
the connection there, like

[LAUGHTER]

I had one ace up my sleeve
though, with boys, impressing
boys as a teenage girl

and that was when I was a big
movie fan, I was a big film nerd
as a teenage girl

and I'll tell you this for free,
what is so true is that teenage
boys

are fucking thick as
shit, right [LAUGHTER].

And they are so easily impressed
by any teenage girl who knows
literally anything about any

film ever made, or like any like
album ever created, because
they're, they're dumbasses

and they almost think that you
grew up in like an alternate
universe where you

didn't ingest all the same
fucking pop culture that they
did, like as a teenage girl.

So I'd always have the same boys
all the time, they'd always come
up to me

and be like, wait, wait, Rose,
are you are you telling me
you've Memento?

[LAUGHTER]

Did you get it?

Did you get it, though?

Did you get it?

And the problem is it was the
only attention I ever got from
boys

I fucking lapped that shit up.

I'd be like, yeah, I have, I
guess I'm not like other girls.

[LAUGHTER].

Just so bad, right.

That is a real tip to any young
girls out there, always say that

youre not like other girls,
because other girls are pieces
of shit,

and it's healthy to foster a
sense of distrust within your
community, okay.

[LAUGHTER]

A Cosmo tip for you there.

The raunchiest thing I ever got
literally online, I will tell
you this, is,

this is entirely true, when
I was fourteen years old,

I got kicked off a friend's
Ferdinand message board

[LAUGHTER]

Do you remember Franz
Ferdinand? Yes?

[LAUGHTER] Okay.

I got kicked a friend's
Ferdinand message board because
in the forum I posted a post

saying that I wanted to marry
the lead singer, Alex Kapranos,

and the moderator
kicked me off because

he said it was inappropriate
talk for the forum.

Oooh! [LAUGHTER]

Oh, how I wish I could show that
moderator what the Internet has
become.

[LAUGHTER]

I can watch porn in a library
[LAUGHTER], and I do!

No, that's a joke, the
wi-fi's very weak.

Uh [LAUGHTER] and I that's
actually something I wish, so as
a teenager

I actually never watched porn,
like right, I never touched the
stuff.

You'd think that would be the
first thing horny teenager with
access to the Internet

would run towards, but I never
did, and part of me regrets that
in a way because I feel like...

I feel like if I had I think I
would have had a chance of like,
like maybe like

masturbating at an
earlier age, right.

And that's it's always, all
hap it's all coming out now,
that's

[LAUGHTER]

But what I mean is that I so I
didn't masturbate till I was
eighteen years old

Yeah, you're right to
gasp, but [LAUGHTER] .

Eightee eighteen!

Eighteen years old!

Legal age.

Legal age, [LAUGHTER] yeah.

I respect myself.

Eighteen.

The closest thing I ever got to
it was a fucking accident, okay.

That sounds more sinister
than the story. [LAUGHTER]

It was an accident, and I
remember it so clearly

because it was when I
was thirteen years old.

I was walking into my bedroom
and I wasn't looking where I was
going.

[LAUGHTER]

And I bumped into a set of
drawers that were at exact
crotch height.

And I remember bumping into
them softly, walking away.

And just being like, why did
that feel so fucking good,
right?

[LAUGHTER] I did
a spin, I think

I think I'm gonna sha
moan as well, it was crazy.

But it's like as a kid I didn't
understand what the connection
was between those feelings

and what had happened,
right, because I think

I think teenage girls in my
generation or maybe where I grew
up

we were never explicitly
taught how to masturbate,

or even encouraged how to ma
like, you know,

to masturbate or to
explore that, right.

Like that was a big word to get
around it, I think there was
always vague words

like just explore, just explore,
just explore, girls.

Just it's fucking
vague, isn't it?

Just explore your bodies, girls,
just explore, explore your
bodies, like, you know

with old lantern, you know, like
[LAUGHTER] with an old stick and
a hat,

Yeah. You're in the
unknown, right?

I've been exploring this
cavernous pussy for twenty years
[LAUGHTER]

Still haven't found
my own clitoris.

Marco? [LAUGHTER]

And also when it comes
to that stuff, I don't

I'm so bad at it.

I am so bad at it.

I do

I like I, this is tec

I know what to do technically,
yes, [LAUGHTER] don't give me
that, right.

I technically know what to do,
but my problem is that I get so
easily distracted

when I'm on my way to doing it,
that is my main problem.

I'll just be like, so like yes,
let's do it, tonight's the
night, whoa.

It's on.

I'm not saying anything,
if you wanna [LAUGHTER]

Look in the mirror, it's gonna
happen, [LAUGHTER] alright.

And I'll be on my way to doing
it, and then suddenly just like
a random thought

will just pop into my
head, so I'll be re

I'll be there, ready, about to
do it and then suddenly I'll
just be like

what ever happened
to Keane? [LAUGHTER]

Remember Keane?

Then I'll start
googling Keane, right.

Then I'll start seeing when
their summer tour dates are and
shit.

Then I'll try and go
back to having a wank.

Do you know how hard
it is to have a wank

when you're still
thinking about Keane?

It's incredibly hard.

[MUSIC PLAYS] [LAUGHTER]

Also, I know that's not
how you do it [LAUGHTER].

Just a light tap, yeah, light
tap over denim, you know, no,
I'm done [LAUGHTER].

That's good for me, right.

A light tap over denim.

So, I guess what I'm trying to
say is that I think there is
just a fundamental difference

when it came to horniness as a
teenage girl compared to being a
teenage boy, right?

I just think it was just
inherently different, I think if
you happen to have

a thing, yeah, and it's there
and it is jutting out and is
[LAUGHTER].

and you do stuff to it
and the stuff escapes

I have had sex before, I do
wanna just reiterate that.

But that is a more
straightforward solve to
feelings of horniness, right.

But I feel like with girls
sometimes it's like a lot more
complicated.

It's like emotionally
complex horniness, right.

Like, like for instance when I
was a teenage girl and I had a
crush on a teenage boy

I didn't imagine what
his dick looked like.

I made a fucking collage, you
know what I mean [LAUGHTER],
like okay,

what are these feelings, right?

Okay, so I got to the age of
eighteen years old and I finally
achieved what I think I'd been

yearning for all throughout my
teenage years was that I finally
got a boyfriend, yes,

ooh, yes, urgh.

Thanks, oh, do not whoop
just yet, okay [LAUGHTER].

Cause what that started,
unbeknownst to me,

was this almost this domino
effect of back-to-back

long-term relationships with
not many gaps in between,

between the ages of
eighteen to twenty-five.

I told you I fucking go
hard or I go home, yeah.

Another true thing about me is
that out of the last five people
I have kissed,

I have then entered
relationships with four of those
people

cause I am not smart [LAUGHTER].

And that's what I do,
I just throw myself

head first into these situations
into relationships,

and my friends they think they
know me better than me.

They're like, Rose, you know
what your problem is, what your
problem is,

is that you're scared of being
alone, it's cause you're scared
of being alone.

And what's very interesting is
that it's actually not that.

What it actually is, is it's
actually something different

that I can't quite
pinpoint right now.

But there is something there,
and maybe I'll explore that
another day

in another show, but it is
actually quite personal, so
don't

stop asking questions
about it. [LAUGHTER]

That's obviously a joke.

I am obviously self-aware enough
to know, you know what it is.

But sometimes it's hard to put
into examples that are quite
relatable to people.

So I will, I'll give it a go,
what I'm trying to

I guess what I'm trying to say
is, do you know that feeling
when you

love someone so much, but you
know that you can't be with that
person

but you know that that love for
that person can't just disappear

it can't just like
evaporate from your body.

It has to exist within your body
for the rest of your life,
almost like in a crystallized
form

at the bottom of your stomach,
it's almost like You put a
Horcrux in that person

and that person's put a Horcrux
in you, and you live the rest of
your life knowing that

you're gonna love that person in
a really deep, important way,
unlike anyone else

you'll ever love in your life,
but will just live inside you
for the rest your life

and never go away.

Do you know what
I'm ? [LAUGHTER]

Is that relatable?

I did try and turn that into a
meme, but that didn't really
imply [LAUGHTER] that's

is that not relatable?

We are selling our t-shirts and
tote bags as well, so I
don't [LAUGHTER] is that

am I gonna lose money on that?

Is that not relatable?

Okay.

[LAUGHTER]

That's fine.

I think maybe this, okay, maybe
this isn't relatable, but I
think

this is what it is for me, and
it might relate to someone

but I think that what my
thing is, is that I'm more

I am more in love with the idea
of being in love more than the
reality of it.

That is it.

I am more in love with the
concept of being in love, rather
than the reality of it.

It's the same approach I
take to baths [LAUGHTER].

And you know what I mean by
that, like the idea of a bath
it's fucking incredible.

But the reality of a bath is
that you are hot [LAUGHTER] and
you're wet

and you're alone with
your thoughts, okay.

[LAUGHTER].

And that is literal
hell to me, right.

I go into a set of negative
meditation when I get to a a
therapist is like

that just sounds like
mild depression.

And I was like potato,
potato [LAUGHTER].

Same deal.

All about MD, a little
house MD [LAUGHTER].

Mild depresso.

I go to my therapist a lot and
it's so funny cause most of the
things I talk

to her about are usually
about relationships

cause I think that's what stems
most of my anxieties and stuff.

And she says the same thing to
me every time, every single
time.

She's like, Rose, Ro, what your
pro what your problem is, is
that

you're obsessed with things that
have happened in the past

and things that might
happen in the future.

But you're never
just in the moment.

That's you're never just
living in the moment.

So, all you've gotta do, all
you've gotta do, all you've
gotta do is you've gotta do

you live in the moment, you've
gotta live in the moment, Rose.

And every time I hear that I'm
like, that's incredible advice,
thank you so much for that.

What sage, wise advise.

And then another part of me,
very deep down, thinks, how am I
paying you

sixty fucking British pounds
[LAUGHTER] to tell me

something I could buy on the
front of a fucking notebook from
Prime Art?

Fucking live in
the moment, girl.

Like what?

[APPLAUSE] So what, man?

You don't need to clap,
you don't need to clap.

But it's true you're a fucking
medical professional.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

And she's like so wrong
about so many things.

She also said, after last
long-term relationship I got out
of

all of the feelings of like
euphoria and all these happy
feelings

I was describing to her she
would actually technically
describe

that as mania [LAUGHTER] and I
was like, I don't know what
you're talking about,

I feel amazing! [LAUGHTER]

So, I got rid of her.

Cause she just didn't she
wasn't on my wavelength, but she
was right

about one thing, and I will
give her this, and that she

I do, I do obsess over things
that haven't necessarily
happened yet,

I do obsess about scenarios
that haven't happened yet

because I like to prepare
for the worst, right.

And I do have this
recurring fantasy about,

it's like an awesome
scenario to like workshop

if anyone is interested.

It's the scenario of me finding
out that my ex-boyfriend is
seeing someone new.

that is like it's delicious,
you should try it.

It's because I wa

I practice it because when that
happens, I want to be fucking
glamorous as hell

when it happens
[LAUGHTER], right.

I want to be like Katharine
Hepburn when that bombshell
drops,

and I've thought about it to
like the smallest detail.

Like it's crazy.

Like ideally, I'll show you,
I'll just show you.

Ideally when it happens, I'll
be holding something, right.

Like I'll be like doing the
dishes or doing like a little
bit...

like ittle bit of
chores or something.

And so, as soon as the person,
like my friend tells me that my
ex-boyfriend

is seeing someone new, this is
exactly how I'll react.

I have practiced this, okay.

Eliza? [LAUGHTER]

What a lovely name. [LAUGHTER]

I must send a telegram.

You know what I
mean? [LAUGHTER]

It's just

[APPLAUSE] It's just
don't clap that, don't.

Don't clap it because it's
actually not okay, right.

You're enablers if you
clap, right, that's

cause that's not normal
behaviour and it never happens.

You can't plan how
that's gonna happen.

It always happens in the
worst possible situation.

It always happens on your
fucking on a bus on the way to
West London.

You're about to get your hair
cut and you cry all the way

through the haircut and you
have to pretend

you're allergic to a hairdryer,
okay [LAUGHTER].

That's how it happens.

Is that example too
specific? [LAUGHTER]

And my friends tell me, they're
like, Rose, Ro, you are

twenty-seven years old, you have
to have the emotional maturity

to let someone move
on with their life.

And I say, sorry, sorry, are you
you are talking to a woman who
has no fewer

than three full pint glasses of
old water on her nightstand at
any given moment,

you think I possess the maturity
to let someone move on with
their lives?

And especially at a time like
this, at a time like this where
I think if the Internet was

something that actively helped
us as teenagers like discover
our sexualities and all that,

it's something that actively
like hinders us as adults to get
over someone,

to like fall out of
love with someone.

Like if it

I am

I'm fine by the way [LAUGHTER],
you're really crazy.

But has anyone, I'll ask this,
has anyone in the room had to go
through a breakup

in the age of Facebook
memories? [LAUGHTER]

Why would you wanna do that?

Because I

I

I'll tell you this much, when
you're going through a break-up,
Facebook memories is essentially

an abusive friendship, yeah
[LAUGHTER], cause it's the
equivalent of someone coming
over

to your house and being like,
hey, here you go, is that oh my
God, I made you a

photo album of you and your
boyfriend's trip to America
three years ago.

Why are you crying? [LAUGHTER]

Are you okay, girl?

Are you

Oh my oh, you broke
up years ago?

Oh, how could I not know that
since I had access to almost all
of your personal information?

[LAUGHTER]

In fact, fuck you, Facebook, I
don't see how they can't figure
that out.

I don't see how Facebook can
read into my messages and see
when I might be freaking

out to my friends that I might
be pregnant and then target
Clear Blue pregnancy tests

to me the next hour.

But they can't figure out I
fucking broke up with someone
years ago.

I just wanna say, where is
the algorithm for that?

And its anything, it's ev so
every time, it's everything,
it's everything, all

my apps, all my apps got
a clue, clue [LAUGHTER].

My period

I've got a period tracking app,
has anyone, uh, got a period
tracking app?

Anyone?

Yes?

Yes, oh, fuck it, everyone
should have a period tracking
app, it's great.

Use it as a calendar, I don't
know, [LAUGHTER] very sad advent
calendar, right.

[LAUGHTER]

I love my period tracking app,
but I have two problems with it

and the first problem is, and I
will say it, I say this with
love

but sometimes when I'm
updating my period tracking app,

I almost feel like I'm writing
some sort of entry into a
wartime journal.

[LAUGHTER].

Because you know what the
language you have to use with
it?

You'd just be like,
day five. [LAUGHTER]

Still bleeding [LAUGHTER].

I miss my wife so much,
right. [LAUGHTER]

That's what it feels like, but
the second problem I have

and this is true, this has been
proven, your period tracking app

is selling information to your
Instagram account.

So at the height of my menstrual
cycle every month, I am
advertised the same fucking pair

of dungarees I could never pull
off [LAUGHTER], like what is it
that stirs that?

That is someone preying on me at
my most emotionally vulnerable
and it's everything's

bovine! [LAUGHTER]

You know it's bovine
when it feels like,

oh, it's like the top songs of
like a certain year, so be like,
oh, top songs of 2016 or

whatever, and then all those
songs, they remind you of
ex-boyfriends, so you have to
rename

the playlists to something like
crying', [LAUGHTER] but then
you realise that your

profile is public, so all your
friends can see it, so you have
to rename it to something

more inconspicuous like
summer anthems'. [LAUGHTER]

Put palm trees on the side.

Netflix! [LAUGHTER]

Oh my God, do you know when you
like log into Netflix and you're
like, your ex-boyfriend

is still logged into it so
you're like, I'll have a look at
what he's watching.

And so you go in and you see
that he's half way through the
new series of Stranger Things

and you're like, oh, that's so
weird because that was sort of
our thing.

And so what you do is you watch
you six episodes in one night so
you can catch up where he is

so you can like watch at the
same time as him, at the same
pace, even though he's

not talking to you. [LAUGHTER]

So you feel like you're sharing

[LAUGHTER]

That's too specific. [LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHTER]

Well, that's the
show, um [LAUGHTER]

So I think are there any there
aren't any more slides are
there?

Are there any more slides?

Sorry, I'm here.

Yeah.

Thank you for coming, um,
[LAUGHTER] usually that bit
like, is like an ending where
everyone's

like, oh, you're like great,
it's so relatable, and like

[LAUGHTER]

and then we like end on like a
high [LAUGHTER], but no, that's,
yeah, cool.

[LAUGHTER]

So, it's like an it's like
anticlimactic, so [LAUGHTER]

I guess oh, I guess if there
were a lesson to be learned
[LAUGHTER]

and there really is a new word

is that maybe sometimes you put
a hundred percent into something

and it doesn't work out,
it doesn't work out [LAUGHTER].

But that doesn't mean it wasn't
worth it, that's not what I
mean.

Like I don't want that to be the
message of the show, like maybe
I was, maybe was wrong

at the start of the

I think maybe I was wrong in the
sense that I feel like it's not
actually what

it's not actually what you love,
it's actually how you love, you
know, it's like actually

what kind of person you are and
how you express that love.

And you can't that's like
that's what has meaning to it.

And I feel like you can't you
can't change that, you can't
change your personality.

You can't change the fact that
you're twenty-seven years old,
you're [UNCLEAR]

So why would you want it?

Why would you want it?

Why would you want it?

I'm fine. [LAUGHTER]

Why would you want to hold back,
though, from one of those things
that you

feel like is one of the most
awesome parts of your
personality, cause you throw
yourself

fully into something, because
like why would you hold back
from doing that at a time like

thi we're gonna we're gonna
fu we are gonna fucking die in
two years.

Do you know what I mean?

Like I heard that on a podcast,
right, so, I know why would you
hold back from

loving someone with
all of your heart?

Cause I think like love is like
a high-risk, high-reward
situation,

isn't it?

And the more you put in, the
more you stand to get out, you
have to risk something.

And even if you're going through
the most awful, like horrible
form of heartbreak

at any point in time all that
means is that at some point you
had the most incredible,

like amazing form of love as
well, and surely there's meaning
in that.

And I just think that putting a
hundred percent into something
will always be worth it.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE & CHEERING]

Oh my God!

Thank you! Thanks guys.