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LOVE LIFE

Every 36 seconds, a marriage will end in divorce.

A married person typically spends about two years thinking about divorce

before going ahead with it

and will usually wait approximately three years to remarry,

if they do so at all.

In spite of these bleak statistics,

the overwhelming majority of couples continue on,

taking hopeful step after hopeful step down the aisle,

willing to gamble for love.

I think you do dishes.

I just think when I pull them out of the cupboard, there's shit on 'em.

Welcome back, Mr. and Mrs. Field.

I don't understand the point of the gum if you're still smoking.

This is the kind of shit I deal with at home.

And you see that? She just, like, rolled her eyes.

Don't talk about me like I'm not in the room, Bradley.

Is this better, Kate?

At least you're looking at me instead of your phone for fucking once.

Oh, please. You love your phone.

You take it with you every time you have to go take a shit.

Do you really have to say that in front of him?

- He shits just as much as we do. - Oh, my God.

Everybody shits, Kate.

Don't.

Don't you dare.

Oh, my God. Jot that fucking down. Write it down.

TWO BRADLEY FIELD

2013 A Year After Augie

Lately, Darby had been feeling stuck, longing to escape

the discomforts and uncertainties of her postgraduate existence.

To make matters worse, she was constantly faced with

a phenomenon she deemed "the impossible woman."

The impossible woman was impeccably dressed,

her skin remarkably un-sweaty, her handbag light,

as if all she required to glide glamorously through life

was a metro card and a tube of lipstick.

Darby, by comparison,

felt lost and claustrophobic in all areas of her life.

Hey, stranger. You look different.

- I'm digging the scruff. It's great. - You're sweating, like, a lot.

Yeah, I've been on a subway car with no AC,

and then I had to carry your shit for six more blocks.

Why didn't you just take a cab?

I'm not made of money, Mr. Monopoly man. God.

Sorry it took me, like, six months to drop this off.

Honestly, I was using your charger. I needed it.

Well, thanks for cleaning out the office.

- Yeah. - What's in here, anyway?

The aforementioned charger and an umbrella, yep,

and your "out to lunch" rock.

Great. I needed this.

Oh, and one of Kate's scarves, I think.

Oh, yeah. Well, have to get that back to her via post.

You know, with the divorce and everything.

- Wait. What? - Oh, yeah.

- When did that happen? - A few months ago.

We were together 11 years and married for one.

- Embarrassingly short marriage. - Oh, my God. That sucks. I'm so sorry.

No, it's fine. You know, wasn't meant to be. You know?

How 'bout you? Have you found "the one"?

No. Found some losers on Match. com. It's close.

What about that guy you brought to the wedding?

- Augie? - Yeah.

No. Augie moved to D.C.

Well, that sucks, 'cause you guys were really cute together.

You and Kate seemed really cute together.

Are you in a hurry? I mean, you want a drink or something?

- Yeah, sure. - Water? Uh, soda? Tequila?

- It's kind of early for tequila. - Wine, it is.

Wow. This is a real shithole.

Yeah, I'm squattin'.

Hey, you actually like art.

I thought you were just profiting off of the idiocy of millennial culture.

Actually, I've been collecting since college.

Since college? For real? Ugh, fuck. I'm behind.

You still taking photos?

Yeah. Yeah. This is... oh, thank you.

This is gorgeous. All this stuff. Oh, my God.

This couch is so soft. Is it weird that I'm just petting your couch?

No, not at all.

All you gotta do is schmooze some rich people for some investment capital,

and all this could be yours.

So did you land somewhere? I mean, I felt bad when we folded.

Yeah, I picked up some catering jobs,

and I run this iPad photo booth at these horrible parties.

Whatever. What about you?

I kind of feel bad about telling you this now.

When the museum shut us down, I got creative,

and I got this investor to turn my museum-touring concept into an app.

God, of course you did.

- Who did this one? - Oh, that one.

I bought off this guy that used to sit outside the East Broadway F stop.

I kind of love it.

Kate hated it. She called it "the thing that burns my retinas."

Well, yeah, I mean, but that's what makes it great. It's intense.

- Exactly. - Yeah.

You hungry? Want me to order a pie?

And at this point, I feel like I'm starting to sweat,

because I've been sitting in my suit for an hour,

so I head out to come down the stairs,

and at this point, I feel pretty good about myself.

No. What?

And I walk out, and she's at the bottom of the staircase

with my parents and my friends.

They're all getting ready and she just looks at me and she says,

"I'm not marrying whatever's on your face."

- What? - So I went back upstairs, and shaved.

No. That's tragic.

- I like the beard. - I don't know.

My family really loved her, you know, but...

I've just been avoiding them ever since the divorce.

Besides, I'm sure I wasn't perfect either.

Yeah, maybe.

Or maybe she's just, like, lame.

I want you to know something.

I'm not some creeper.

- I didn't have you picked out. - Me neither.

I always thought you were cute, though.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Are those bagels? - And that's not all.

Light and sweet... Not unlike myself.

So I don't have anything till 3:00 today. You?

I have work.

Come back after?

You're definitely divorced? Like, you're sure?

I'm not gonna come back

and Kate's gonna be, like, waiting for me with a butcher knife?

She'd use a gun.

And he could be with whoever he wanted. I mean, why me?

Are you really fishing for compliments right now?

But Mallory, his ex is, like, the hottest woman I've ever seen.

Great. She's his ex. He's with you now.

I wish my boss was fuckable. Come on.

We need more tiny tacos, Mr. Wojcik.

After her shift, Darby went to Century 21 and bought a new outfit

she couldn't afford, then went directly back to Bradley's.

And again the next night, and the night after that.

- Hey! Hi. - Oh, thank you.

Of course.

Okay, 9A.

- You're the best, Lenny. - Need a hand?

These two people who once spent every day together

in a brightly-lit office

were now spending every night entangled and panting in the darkness,

and their previous relationship as employer and employee

furthermore infused their sex with something practically transcendent.

Oh, fucking on the job, you dirty little slut!

Oh, fuck. Yeah. I'm a dirty, lazy slut.

I haven't finished any of my work.

I feel bad. If I don't like it, it was really expensive.

- Oh, please don't. - I don't know.

It looks like the pictures of smoker's lung they showed us in health class.

Come on, Darby, just try it.

- Salty? - Tastes overpriced.

- Hey, B. - Oh, my God. Lola.

- How you doing? - How are you?

- Well... - You look... Amazing. Congratulations.

Don't blow smoke up my ass. I know what I look like.

I can't believe I'm still out with clients.

You try talking to these fuckers sober. It's hell.

Do you want to sit down? I can just scooch over.

Oh, Darby, Lola. Lola, this is Darby, my girlfriend.

Oh, good for you.

- Kate didn't deserve him. - I agree.

Sure. What the hell? In my third trimester.

Yeah, okay.

Hi. Can I get a half glass? Something big and red.

Great, thanks. Actually, you know what? Just make it a full glass.

So Lola and I went to school together.

No, actually, I went to school.

Mr. Business here sold weed out of the computer lab.

- No student loan debt. - That's true.

I'm gonna hit the head. You guys... chat it out.

- So how do you know Bradley? - We used to work together.

Oh, are you a curator?

No. I wish. I was just a tour guide for the museum thing he used to do.

Oh, wow. Yeah. We invested in that.

Yeah. Should've stuck with real estate.

That's funny. So what do you do now?

Oh, bless.

I'm a photographer.

Me too.

- No way. Oh, my God. - Yeah.

What are you working on right now?

Well, trying to get out of editorial, mostly,

but you know how a favor can turn into a six-month project.

- Oh, my God. Totally. - Yeah.

What about you? What's your thing?

You know, just sort of, like, lifestyle stuff.

- Moment-capturing, that kind of thing. - Very cool.

Are you commissioning or working with a gallery?

- Not right now, but I'm looking. - Well, it is the Wild West these days.

Every millennial with an iPad thinks they're a fucking artist, you know?

Excuse me.

Hey. Seriously, though, have Bradley connect us, I'd love to see your stuff.

I could maybe hand off some gigs.

Oh, absolutely.

I gotta run. This little fucker's giving me some serious heartburn.

Oh, thank you.

- Always a pleasure to see you. - Nice seeing you.

- Hey, do you still smoke? - I do.

- You sure? - It's fine. Just a couple puffs.

Great meeting you. Can't wait to see your stuff.

See you, B.

- Isn't she great? - Yeah. She's gonna be a great mom.

Whoa. You're not, like, moving in with him already, are you?

What? No. No. I'm doing, like, a darkroom thing in here.

I'm taking this photography class,

'cause Bradley's photographer friend stressed me out.

She was like, "Let me see your stuff." Was like, "Bitch, I don't have stuff."

Kay, someone clearly found my Adderall.

No, no. I'm just having, like, a small-but-real life panic.

- Why? Because of Bradley's friend? - Yes. They're so successful.

And they have perfect skin, and they know about wine pairings.

Dude, you can't compare yourself to them.

I just feel like such a loser.

Do you seriously think they had it all figured out at our age?

No. They were probably, like, doing ludes.

They're not that old.

My mom always said ludes were her favorite drug.

I just want Bradley to know that

he's with a woman who knows what she wants,

and she's not afraid to go after it.

Sure. Totally. But like, you know, you don't have to perform for someone.

You should be loved for the little derp-de-derp that you are.

But maybe it's good. This is just, like, the kick in the ass that I need.

Cool. So my real question is, is this a single penne stuck to a sock?

No. That's private.

Derp.

And I tell you this because it's truth,

and truth is ugly.

But truth is also beautiful.

The only people who will make it as a artist are people who have passion.

Not passion like, "Oh, I love hamburger."

I'm talking about real passion.

Who among you would die for your art?

This apartment is amazing.

I can't believe he has his own washer and dryer.

Oh, my God.

You have to up your underwear game if you're gonna date this guy.

This is like some "Little Orphan Annie" shit, Darby.

Honestly, this place is a fucking palace.

If you fuck this up for us, I will kill you.

Yeah, it's, like, legit.

Hey, please don't spill cab on the sofa. Focus, please.

As if I would waste a drop of this.

Do you want me to pose for you? Not nude.

Well, unless you, like, frame my head out.

- And then you would do nude? - Yeah.

No, the assignment was "inner life." So...

- Ladies. - That's brilliant.

- Hi. - Oh, nice. You found the cab.

- We did. It's very nice. Thank you. - So amazing.

- You guys enjoy. - Thank you.

Oh, I got you more Nicorette. It's on the nightstand.

You're the most amazing woman ever.

Jim has never said that about me.

I'm pretty amazing. What can I say?

I'm the best girlfriend that's ever existed.

Boring.

Lacks insight.

Too much effort. How do I say,

sweaty.

Sweaty? Like, his face is sweaty?

You're trying too hard. Keep trying.

Sorry, keep trying, but I'm trying too...

Precisely.

This is something. Look how the light is directing the eye.

Beautiful.

Darby quietly withdrew from her photography class

and, little by little, stopped taking photos altogether.

It was so much easier to just drift away on the raft of Bradley's life.

Surprise!

Happy birthday!

I think he's really surprised.

Yes, this guy, who used to paint outside the East Broadway F stop.

Our joke is that, we call it "the thing that burns our retinas."

Oh, hello.

Do we have any more champers in the laundry room?

I think so, yeah.

Essentially this acidic varnish that will coat the canvas

so that will harden the shell.

They're still working on it. They're still running tests, but...

Hey, look at Bradley. Yeah.

- It's so cute. Oh, my God. - Yeah.

- You want to have a kid one day? - Slow down, Jimmy.

Wow, your body's just...

You look like a reptile trying to do a body roll.

- Stop. Ow! - Oh, shit.

- Hey. You good? - Lot of strobe lights at that party.

- Yeah. It was fun, though, right? - Yeah. Yeah, no. It was fun.

- My friends really love you, you know. - Yeah, no, they're really great.

- You okay? - Yeah.

Need somebody to keep me from shoving that bucket up that drummer's ass.

- You just need a massage, babe. - Maybe.

Let's just go get a drink somewhere before I piss myself. Come on.

Oh, my God, yes. Let's go somewhere we can dance.

No, sweetheart. You can't dance with your boot.

- Do not hold me down, Jim. - I'm just trying to look out for you.

Yeah? What do you say? Got another one in you?

I don't feel like wandering around just looking for a place to drink.

I'm sure there's somewhere close.

Hey, isn't that place with the picklebacks, like, around here?

Yes. Oh, my God.

You mean the place with those giant Styrofoam cups and those hot firemen.

I'll pee in a Styrofoam cup. Let's go. I'm 'bout to get a UTI. Come on!

Okay, I'm ready.

You have to see this place. It's insane.

They serve, like, all their drinks in this one Big Gulp size.

Wow. That sounds amazing. I think I'd rather sleep.

Okay, old man.

Hey. Come on. Came out to Brooklyn. Took your friends to dinner.

Cut me some slack. I'm tired.

All right, picklebacks. You guys coming?

- No, we're gonna sit this one out. - Please! Please!

Have fun. Bye.

- Mom and Dad, please? - Get out of here.

- No, I can't. Okay, yeah. - Bye.

- Would you just be little bit... - I'm...

You know you can go with your friends, right?

No, I want to stay with you.

And I don't want to, like, be in a weird fight.

- We're not in a weird fight. - Okay.

THREE MONTHS LATER

- Darby. - Thank you, Lenny.

Hey, baby.

Hey, what's wrong?

Oh, my God.

What's going on? What's wrong?

My dad... my dad died.

Oh, my God.

He just dropped dead. In the shower. Massive heart attack.

- Baby... - It's so crazy.

He's run three marathons.

He hasn't eaten red meat since high school.

You know, fuck, man.

I can't believe I wasted so much time not talking to him.

You know, just being angry over stupid bullshit.

Hey, listen. I'm sure he knew how much you loved him.

I don't know. I mean, I hope so.

Yeah.

Okay, it says, you're supposed to apply a new...

I know how to put on a nicotine patch.

I can't believe my dad's not gonna be in there when I walk in.

I mean, part of him will be. You know? His spirit will be in there.

Yeah. I don't really believe in that kind of shit, Darb.

No. I mean, me neither. I don't know. I was just trying to say something sweet.

Yeah, I know. I'm sorry.

I just don't need you to say anything right now.

Okay.

Thanks, babe.

Oh, Mom.

- How you doing? - All right.

Let me make you a plate.

Oh, Mom, I can't eat right now.

- I'm so sorry, Bradley. - Oh, Trish.

It's so awful. Uncle Joe was my favorite.

He loved you so much.

And we just have to be grateful,

because it's truly the most painless way for a person to leave this Earth.

A heart attack?

Well, at least it was quick.

Hi. I'm Darby.

Oh, Bucky. Buck.

- Trish. Bradley's cousin. - Of course.

Well, thank you for being here for my family.

I'm gonna see if anyone needs help in the kitchen.

Okay.

Oh, Sharon, do you want me to hand-dry these, or is air-drying them okay?

Oh, just throw them in the dishwasher, honey. They're from Target.

But can you put the lasagna out?

Yes. Of course.

Thank you.

- Don't put it down without a trivet. - A trivet?

- Aunt Sharon just restored this table. - Sorry, it's beautiful.

Is there anything else I can help with?

Don't think so. Why don't you take a break, get something to eat?

No, I like a job at a party.

It sort of makes things less awkward, even when the party's a funeral.

- Huh? - No, that came out wrong.

- No hug for your Uncle Rory? - Sorry?

Aren't you one of Harvey and Lorraine's triplets?

I'm Bradley's girlfriend.

- I didn't know he was dating a model. - Oh... my God.

- Oh, Kate, thanks so much for coming. - Hi. You okay?

- Katie. Oh, my baby girl. - I hope it's okay that I came.

What are you talking about? You never need an invitation.

It's okay. It's okay. Let it out. Joe loved you so much.

- I'm gonna get a glass of water. - Yeah. Of course.

Darby. Hello.

Hi. Hi, Kate.

I think the last time I saw you was at my wedding.

Yeah, that was a really beautiful evening.

I know this is incredibly awkward, but I just wanted to say,

I didn't think Bradley and I would end up dating.

Oh, honey, we're not gonna do that here, okay?

It was good to see you.

Hey, there you are.

How are you holding up? Do you need anything?

- How can I help? - No, no, I'm okay.

I'm just trying to hang in there for my mom.

You know? But it's nice to feel all the love in the room for him.

It's, like, an amazing turnout. And it's so good that Kate's here.

Yeah, my mom really loves her.

But I should probably get back in there.

Yeah.

I just want to say that...

losing a parent's the most devastating thing a person goes through,

and I don't know. I'm not saying that I can relate.

I'm not implying that I can, 'cause my parents are... alive.

Hey, listen.

I'm really glad you're here, but I should probably get back in there.

Yes.

You look so cute in your First Communion photo.

Hey, Darby? I really need to get back in there.

So...

- Okay. - Okay.

As many of you know,

we lost my father a few years before Bradley and I got married.

Joseph offered to walk me down the aisle.

So anyway, we're standing outside the sanctuary, and he's being so tender,

and he's telling me how beautiful I look in my wedding gown,

and then, just as the bridal chorus starts,

he adds, "Especially your tits."

Joseph was a tit man!

Sharon, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I had to share that story.

- Well, he was a tit man. - He was a tit man! Thank you.

Sadly, I never met Mr. Field.

No, I did, at your wedding! At your wedding.

I did. So I didn't really know him,

but I know he is a great guy,

because he made the most amazing son...

who is also a tit man.

Because the apple doesn't fall far from the tits.

To Mr. Field.

I'm sorry. I think I'm allergic to something in the lasagna.

- Bradley? - Yes, Mom?

- Everything okay in there? - Yeah, Mom, everything's great.

I'm sorry you had to leave early because of me.

It's fine. I can drive back up there tomorrow.

Think I made a good impression on your mom?

Please don't be mad at me, Bradley.

I'm not mad. My dad died.

- Hey. - Hey.

Thanks.

Okay, this strategy has paid off. Boom.

- Sara, go. - Can you just do my move for me?

No, I can't do your move. I just invaded your territory.

Jim, I literally don't give a single fuck.

Yeah, I really don't give a fuck either.

Wait, guys, am I the only person invested in this game?

Yes.

Hey.

Oh, uh, excuse me, ma'am, this is a private residence.

- Oh, my God. - Well, well, well.

I thought you were gone for good. We were gonna do an Amber alert.

Yeah, you owe us $4,000 in utilities.

I'm sorry. I will set up a payment plan.

- And you missed my birthday. - I'm sorry, Mal.

Yo, what is in this box?

Yeah. Bradley realized he was not ready to be in a relationship.

Also, I... I got really drunk at his dad's wake.

I threw up, like, lasagna and bourbon, and I think I made a toast.

- Okay. - It was really bad.

No. That is okay. I puked at Jim's cousin's bat mitzvah,

in the men's room. Next to the rabbi.

This all happened in front of his ex-wife.

Oh, okay. You win.

So no more free laundry. I had to give the key back.

Whatever. I mean, we have the machines around the corner.

Someone's been pissing in them lately, but you just have to check for puddles.

Yeah, okay. I don't know. We almost made it a year, you know?

Yeah. 11 months. That's really good.

- You get to round up. Good. - Okay. Come on, everybody in.

- We're sorry, Darby. - We love you.

Oh, thanks, guys.

I don't know her.

Another summer arrived, and the sting of her breakup with Bradley subsided.

With that, Darby was finally able to pull revelation from the wreckage.

Hey, Eugenia? Hi. It's Darby. I used to be in the photo class with you.

Listen. I was wondering if you would ever sell me that

"inner life" photo that you took.

I just think it's amazing, and I could give you, 50 bucks for it.

- 100. - I didn't know we were negotiating.

We are.

That's great. I will be honest. I could go to an ATM.

It was just a photo, and yet, it was the beginning of a much bigger life.

That's awesome. Did you take that?

No.