Original subtitles

LOVE LIFE

Our love lives can quite easily be reduced to data.

For instance,

by the time the average person ends up with the love of their life,

they will have been in seven relationships.

Of those, two are often long-term relationships,

while the rest are a mix of short-term flings, casual dating,

and one-night stands.

The average person will also fall in love two of those times

and have their heart broken twice as well.

Yet behind all of those numbers, there is always a much bigger story.

This is the story of Darby Carter.

Darby doesn't remember her parents ever being married.

They got divorced when she was four, and she spent her childhood

being shuttled back and forth between their new houses and new families.

- Coward. Won't even come to the door. - It's fine, Mom.

This made Darby feel like a permanent hotel guest,

one who couldn't stay past 12:00 checkout.

Hi, Larry.

As a result, Darby's adolescence

was marked by myriad misguided attempts at connection.

- You didn't have to walk me home. - But my house is just up there.

- I didn't know you lived up here. Bye. - Bye.

Darby had no idea where she was, and she was so nervous that

this young man would find out she'd been lying

that she took an anxiety poo in his family's yard.

When Darby moved to New York for university,

she imagined she'd become a cosmopolitan woman.

In reality, it was fun, but slightly empty.

Get the curtain.

Darby started to wonder if she'd ever reach the next level,

where you're really dating someone,

where you don't change your outfit just because you're seeing the person,

where you just wear what you're wearing because you are who you are.

And then she met Augie Jeong.

ONE AUGIE JEONG

All right, baby girl.

This is the hottest you have ever looked in your entire life.

- I'm serious. - These are your clothes.

What is it like to be an actual goddess ?

Oh, my God. I'm PMS-ing. It's been dark since 4:00 p.m. I'm in no mood, man.

Yeah, and I have a UTI, but it's Jim's birthday, so we gotta rally.

All I'm doing for his birthday is, like, karaoke and a blow job,

so they both have to be really good.

I would never miss Jim's birthday.

I would, however, make a polite appearance and then skip out early.

You are killing me. Once you leave,

it's just gonna be his work friends talking about Occupy Wall Street.

Hey, you ladies are looking good.

- We know, bro. - Eat shit, motherfucker.

And I was thinkin' 'bout myself Then there she was

In platform double suede. Yeah, there she was.

I think Jim wants to fuck that Zooey Deschanel wannabe.

Shut up. He's so in love with you.

No, I know he is, but I still think he wants to fuck her.

People can love people and still fuck other people.

- You done with the book ? - What ?

Did you pick a song yet ?

Okay, fuck this.

Sorry.

Hey, bitch. Excuse me. All right, titty boy.

- Yeah, I don't know. - No, no. We can look together.

- I'm Augie, by the way. - Darby.

- Furby ? - Darby.

Yeah, I know. I've gotten Furby before, at Starbucks a lot.

Right ? The names that I've gotten on my cups...

I smell sex and candy.

- Wow, Jim's girlfriend's on one, huh ? - Sara ?

Yeah, she can't handle her liquor, but she drinks every night anyway.

Cool. So she's an alcoholic.

No ! No.

I mean, she's, if we were older,

maybe, but right now, she's just, like, so fun.

Mama this surely is a dream.

I actually have a song up next, if you wanted to duet, perhaps ?

- You already picked one ? - Yeah. I just wanted to talk to you.

You cut me open and I keep bleeding. Oh, this part I know.

- Keep, keep bleeding love. - Happy birthday, Jim !

I keep bleeding. I keep, keep bleeding love.

- I mean, I know a little bit. - Keep bleeding.

Keep, keep bleeding.

- New York classic. - Oh, boy.

People just say things like "New York classic."

Well, this is me.

I'm glad I got you home safe. These mean streets.

I'm trying to think of something else to say.

Well, I should...

I should...

My other roommate, Mallory, like, literally lives in this alcove thing.

Yeah, so...I promise this isn't, like, a move,

but is it cool if we hang out in my room ?

Yeah.

I mean, they've been divorced for 20 years or something. So what about you ?

My parents were the complete opposite.

High school sweethearts that are somehow still in love.

That's nice.

But they're Satanists, so I guess it's not all good, right ?

- Balances out, you know ? - Yeah, that's fair.

Are you losing on purpose ? This is so pathetic.

Well, I mean, to be honest with you, I'm pretty sure you made this game up.

- Oh, I did not. How dare you ? - I don't know what I'm doing here.

- This is a very popular game. - Who's played this game before ?

I've explained this to lots of people, and nobody has ever critiqued me

as a teacher. They say it's so fun.

So I don't know. You're the first...

- I do want to hear about this game. - I'm gonna tell you.

- Oh, yes. I can... - Yeah, it's... Yeah.

- What ? - You're bony.

- What ? - I mean...

You have, like, a surprisingly slender, fit body.

Thank you.

Oh, no, don't, don't. I'm sweaty.

It's okay. I like it.

- Like, embarrassed. - Babe, you were good. It was good.

- Hey. - Oh, hey. Good morning, bud.

- Good morning. - Hey.

- Do you have coffee here ? - I could make another pot.

Oh, no, that's okay. I'll go out and grab some. Just gonna...

Oh, yeah, go for it. It's communal.

- Hey, morning. - Hi.

I had a lot of fun last night.

'Cause you had a good time. It was fine for me. Whatever.

Anyway, I have to..

I have to go play basketball with some buddies.

Yeah, I have to knit scarves with the other Army wives.

- Cool. Cool, cool, cool. Nice. - Yeah.

Do you want my number, or...

I'm just gonna leave it all up to chance, you know ?

I think I got a $5 bill. You seen "Serendipity ?"

That's a solid reference, man.

Okay.

Bye.

- Okay, seriously. - Okay, okay.

- Like, that's enough. - I'll leave, I'll leave.

All right, I'm leaving.

- See you, Jimbo. - See you at work, buddy.

- See you, Sara. - Bye.

- I'm sorry. - I'm sorry. What just happened ?

Excuse me.

Do I have a husband now ? Is he my husband ?

I just... Is that how that works ?

Yeah, well, I'm glad to see you're taking it slow.

I'm just excited. Be happy for me.

- Jim. - Come on, Jim. Please.

- So serious, Jim. - Please be happy for me.

- I can't think straight. - Help me, please.

All I can do is smell these bath salts that I got...

- Morning. - Oh, hey.

Darby. Thank God. I need a woman to look at these.

Which font do you like for the escort cards ? This one or this one ?

- The left one. - Yes. See ?

Told you, babe. Whatever one you want.

Oh, God, honey, have an opinion. It is your wedding too.

Okay. Speaking of which, Darby,

do you plan on bringing someone to the wedding ?

Not to pressure you or anything.

- Yeah. - New boyfriend ?

I don't know. Maybe.

Explains why you look like shit this morning.

Okay. All right. Let's leave her alone.

- See you at home. - Bye, Kate.

Darby, your first tour today is some assholes from Gawker.

Oh, fuck you. Gawker ? What do I like about this job ?

Maybe 'cause you get to say "fuck you" to your boss ?

Very true. All right.

Day 1

That whole day, Darby was buoyant. Who knew when she'd see Augie again,

but for now, she was walking on air,

alive with the glow of a new connection.

The next day, that glow began to wear off, and she hadn't heard from him,

so Darby went to great lengths to keep herself busy,

deciding it was time to color-code her book collection.

Hey.

Do you think I should do, like, an accent wall in here ?

- What kind of accent ? - I mean, just like...

- Australian ? - Oh, my God.

That's not helpful. You know what I'm going through.

- Darby, I'm an accent wall. - I hate you.

The third day was harder. Darby sunk into an awful apprehension.

Why hadn't Augie texted ? Was she boring ? Was her body weird ?

Darby's brain started doing mental gymnastics,

coming up with ways she could casually run into him.

Honestly, like, at this point, I'm kind of pissed.

I'm tempted to, like, just go to Politico and confront him.

Okay, Darby, look, I love you,

but do remember that's my place of work, okay ? So keep that in mind.

- No, please, do it. - Thank you. She thinks it's funny.

I would never. I would never ! Mostly. Maybe.

Are those dates ?

Okay, so date farmers are on strike in Mexico,

so technically, you guys are like scabs.

You know what, Jim ? We don't need that from you.

On the fourth day of radio silence, Darby buried herself in her work.

Very special tour, the butt tour !

- I'm tired. How long is this tour ? - It is two full hours. Get ready.

Fuckin' heels.

Okay. We're gonna start over here. This super cute muscular bronze butt.

This Greek bronze butt is very rare

because when Romans took over Greek dominions,

they knew how valuable the bronze was the sculptures were made of,

so they often melted them down to make armor and weapons,

and we're very fortunate that this sculpture's been preserved

so we can all enjoy its very... emotional, expressive clenched butt.

It looks like Spencer's dick.

Okay, guys, please. Don't touch the statues.

This is really against the rules.

As Darby watched this woman

climb a statue that had managed to survive centuries,

she couldn't help but marvel that someone chose this person.

And not just for a day, but for the rest of her life.

Darby couldn't even get a "Wazzup ?"

DAY 5

Around her, life continued as if somehow

there was anything more important than what she was going through.

By this point, she'd managed to pull her flat mates into it as she

carried on in the grand tradition of women waiting by the phone.

- It's your dad. - Good.

He wants to know "who sings the song... 'Wonderwall..."

- I'm sorry it wasn't Augie. - It's okay.

It was my dad. At least it wasn't my gym asking where I've been.

Oh, my God. Why am I spinning out ? All this sucks.

Why don't you just take the reins and text him ?

- Can I do that ? - No, you can't.

Look, I know it's fucked up, but you have to wait for him to hit you up.

I don't want to get into a political debate about it.

It's just the world right now.

Says the girl who made Jim read his high school diary out loud to you

like there are zero boundaries. Boundaries don't exist.

Yeah, 'cause I paid my dues. Look, you can play the crazy card down the road,

but right now, you gotta bear down.

No, no, no. No, no. That shit's so antiquated.

Why do you need a boyfriend right now ? Honestly, look what it's doing to you.

This isn't Jane Austen times. I'm sorry.

I think I'm just stressed because

I told my boss that I was bringing a plus-one to his wedding,

and now I think it would be super embarrassing to just not bring anyone.

I know what you're thinking, you little 0 to 60 freak.

Even as a favor. I could just be like, "Hey, as a friend, as a buddy..."

You cannot invite Augie to that wedding, right ?

Oh, my God. I'm obsessed with him, and it's so pathetic.

I'll just...

No way !

- Fine. - I'm gonna be totally chill.

I'm gonna be totally chill.

STRAND BOOKSTORE

- Haven't read any Jane Austen. - What ?

- I know, which was surp... - Deal-breaker. I can't do this.

- Oh, you too ? - I'm kidding.

Mallory was making fun of me, 'cause I don't...

Actually, there is one of these books that I've been looking for.

Why wouldn't we get ten romance novels ?

Okay, so if I had to tell you something unexpected about me.

Yeah. I'll give you $1,000.

That you wouldn't have guessed this was...

No, I'll give you $1,000 to tell me something that really shocks me.

I was just gonna tell you for free.

I was actually so into musical theater that my mom thought that I was gay.

She asked me if I had seen the movie "Milk," because she had rented it.

And she thought it was really important that we watch it together.

- That's so sweet. - Yeah.

- That's nice. - Yeah.

You know I, too, have done some musical theater.

- Get the fuck out. - Yeah, in high school.

One time... In "Cats", I know.

- You were in "Cats ?" - Yeah.

What ?

There were so many kids, and there weren't enough parts...

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So they did that thing where they made up a cat.

- But just for you, though. - Yeah.

It was something insane. It was like Carbucketty or something.

Oh, my God. It was so embarrassing.

Is it weird that I'm kind of turned on by you being an ensemble cat ?

You're such a jerk.

This is stupid. Do you want to go to my boss's wedding with me ?

What ? You don't have to.

No, yes, I do ! I do want to go ! I do want to go.

- Yes, absolutely. - Great.

- When is it ? - I don't know.

Okay, great.

Lin for the win !

This dude is unbelievable. I'm losing my mind.

- Holy shit ! - Yes ! Linsanity forever !

- He's on fire ! - Oh, Darbs, are you into sports now ?

I don't know. I'm trying to sound cool.

- You do sound cool. - Thank you.

- You're hustlin'. - I don't know.

- Yes. - This kid came out of fucking nowhere.

Tell me about it.

It was January when they met at karaoke,

and by February, they were acting like boyfriend and girlfriend.

Well, I'll let you in on a little secret.

- Please do. - These are fakes.

- What ? - Don't tell anybody.

They ignored all the usual rules about keeping things mysterious.

You guys are nasty !

- Nice. - That's gonna be the one. For sure.

- I love this table. - I want ten more beers.

Does anybody else want ten more beers ? Just me ?

For too long,

she'd merely watched these kinds of relationships from the outside,

and anything she knew about the way they felt was purely speculative.

But now she had some firsthand experience.

This is what it was really like to love someone.

Lin on the penetration, he got bottled up...

- What happened to our friend ? - He's just having an off night.

- Hey, Aug, we're gonna roll. - All right, man.

- Sorry, buddy. They'll bounce back. - Yeah, thanks for coming, man.

- See you, Sara. - Bye.

- I'm sorry, baby. - It's okay. Thank you.

Is this what it's like being a Knicks fan ?

Yeah, kind of. Hey...

- What's up ? - Never mind. It's cool. Nothing.

Hey, come on. Don't do that. Oh, my God.

No. I just...

I just don't want you to freak out, 'cause this timing really sucks, but...

Okay. Sorry.

- Bless you. - Thank you.

I just found out that Politico wants to send me out on the road

as an embed in a couple of weeks, and I'll be gone till November, so...

- Oh, wow. - Yeah.

Okay. I mean, well, if you're gonna be gone till November...

Well, no, 'cause if all goes well, then after that,

I'd be working out of the D.C. bureau, which would be like...

I'd be moving there.

Okay.

Is that, like, optional or...

I guess it is, but it's a pretty big opportunity for me, you know.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- No, of course. - Yeah.

What the fuck am I saying ? I'm gonna be on Obama's press bus and everything.

- It's my dream. - Dude, that's amazing.

- I mean, congratulations. - Oh, thank you. Thank you very much.

And look. If that makes you not want to hang out with me anymore,

I totally get it, because... this can't really go anywhere, you know ?

Yeah. I mean, it can't go anywhere, but we were just, like,

seeing if it was gonna go anywhere, so it's not a big deal.

Yeah, right. Yeah, exactly. I'm really glad we're on the same page about that.

I know it sounds corny, but I feel like it's my civic duty, in a way.

Can you imagine if Romney was fucking president ? The world would end.

But we should just, like, keep hanging out until you leave, right ?

- Are you sure ? - I mean, do you not want to ?

No, no, no, no, no, I definitely do. Of course I do.

- I really like you, Darby. A lot. - Great.

I just...

I've been through the whole long-distance thing before,

and I don't want either of us to get hurt or anything like that.

I don't think that's gonna happen.

Okay. So what...

Should I just bail ? Is that what we're saying ?

On your boss's wedding ? On Augie's last night ? No.

Baby, you are playing the long game. You keep your eyes on the prize.

When you talk about love, you turn into Coach Taylor. Really sweet.

Coach and Mrs. Coach are the model couple, in my eyes, so...

Okay, look. I will be your plus-one if you want to bail on Augie.

I will be there. I will do that. I am here for you.

Darby, you just go with the flow, okay ? Who knows what could happen ?

It could be a magical night, and then

you could be the first ever real-life person to chase someone to the airport.

What ?

That was a great buildup, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.

I've been watching a ton of Hugh Grant movies.

Okay.

And so Darby trudged on with a brave face, trying to make the best of it,

but beneath that façade was an unavoidable fact,

he was really leaving. This was really ending.

You look really great tonight.

Thank you. So do you. You look great.

Oh, thank you. I mean, it was between this or my tuxedo tee.

- Or my "ripped abs" tee. - Wow.

Or my Bulbasaur tee. You've seen that one ?

I didn't know you were such a novelty tee guy.

- Really big. I go to the club. - There's a club ?

See ? This is why you can't leave.

'Cause we have so much to learn about each other.

- There's a club ? I wanna know more ! - Yes, I said, yeah, I know.

Let's not think about it tonight.

Yeah. I kind of can't not think about it.

- Yeah. - So...

- Should we dance ? - Okay.

Make the most of our last night together.

Yeah.

I don't know if you're ready for this, though.

- I don't know him. - I have this philosophy of dance.

Does anybody have a whistle ?

After a few hours of alcohol consumption,

Darby and Augie found themselves at that point of the evening

when it's easy to say something you'll regret.

Is it possible to, like, overdose on frosting ?

'Cause I don't know why I'm doing this to myself. It's like I'm hazing myself.

Nobody's making me do this.

A "Post" headline, "Tour Guide Dies from Frosting/Open-Bar Combo."

- Wow. - What ?

No, I'm glad to know you think of me as a tour guide.

What ?

I'm sorry my career isn't as sexy as yours is right now.

Hey, hey. I was kidding.

- I'm kidding, right ? - Truth in every joke.

What are you doing right now ?

I'm having feelings. I'm sorry, like...

feelings that you are very good at not having.

I'm having feelings too.

I just don't want to process them at your boss's wedding.

Yes, that's fine. That's fine.

You're right. That's fine.

Darby, I love you.

You don't have to say that. You don't.

You're not gonna say you love me back ?

I do, but what's the point of, what's...

- Why does there have to be a point ? - Okay. I love you.

- Really ? - Yeah. You know I do.

- Awesome ! That's great ! - Yeah, it is great.

It's great. I love you. Bye forever.

Oh, come on. Stop. That is not fair.

You said long-distance doesn't work. So fuck it.

- Please don't put words into my mouth. - Is that not exactly what you said ?

Just because I'm leaving does not mean that we'll never see each other again.

We can Skype, right ? We can try and make it work.

- Oh, my God, we can Skype. - What are you doing ? Seriously ?

This is our last night together, and you're really gonna do this ?

- Write me letters from camp. -Seriously ? Come on.

- What do you say ? Do you want... - Okay. All right.

Yeah, we can Skype. We can Skype until you find somebody new,

'cause I know how things go on these tour buses.

What ? Do you think I'm going on the road with the fucking Stones ?

- No. - I work at Politico. This is...

I know. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said anything. Whatever.

Fucking hell.

You should be glad your leading man always be glad.

Sit by home and let me kiss your lovely lips.

Didn't I do it, baby ?

Didn't I do right ?

Why you wanna leave me, baby ?

I said didn't I treat you right ?

It's a mystery...

Can you help me ?

Thanks.

Augie, I'm sorry.

I know.

It's okay. We both drank too much.

I really do love you.

I really love you too.

Hey.

Told you the snow gets gross.

Yeah. Guess you were right.

By the way, I have some information that I think will change your life.

Carbucketty is a real cat.

What ? What do you mean ?

Well, let's just say I spent some time on the old "Cats" Wikipedia page

this morning, and Carbucketty, who is also sometimes known as Pouncival,

is very much a real character... And not at all made up for your production.

Oh, my God !

That's amazing ! I don't know why that makes me want to cry.

Carbucketty's real ! This is a game-changer.

- I just wanted you to know. - Thanks.

- I should go. - Yeah. Yeah, you should go.

Bye, Darby.

Bye, Augie.

After a relationship ends,

most people feel like they'll never meet anyone else, but they always do.

Darby doesn't know it yet, but her person is out there.

Maybe she's met them already, maybe she hasn't,

but they are alive in this city, and they are looking for her too.

Each step is moving It's moving me up

Moving It's moving me up.

Every step is moving me up.

It will all happen for her.

Just not the way she thinks it will.