Original subtitles

HEY, ADAM, YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

I'M HAVING A VIEWING PARTY FOR TONIGHT'S

BIG LUNAR ECLIPSE.

YEP, ALL DUDES, NO GIRLS.

DEFINITELY A CHASE PARTY.

IT'S GONNA BE AWESOME.

I EVEN PREPARED AN OUT-OF-THIS-WORLD FEAST.

THESE ARE FREEZE-DRIED FOOD PELLETS

JUST LIKE THE ONES ASTRONAUTS EAT.

EACH CUBE CONTAINS AN ENTIRE MEAL.

THIS IS TURKEY, PEAS AND MASHED POTATOES.

WOW, CONGRATS, CHASE.

YOU ACTUALLY FOUND A WAY TO RUIN FOOD.

NO, I MADE IT BETTER.

OH, REALLY?

FOOD FIGHT!

SEE, THAT'S JUST LAME.

COME ON, GUYS, YOU'RE GONNA MISS THE LUNAR ECLIPSE.

I HAVEN'T BEEN THIS EXCITED SINCE THE METEOR SHOWER OF '98.

I THINK 98's THE LAST TIME I ACTUALLY TOOK A SHOWER.

- I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE THIS. - YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO.

IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

LET ME SEE, LET ME SEE.

MY TURN.

WOW! COOL!

WHAT AM I LOOKIN' AT?

ADAM, A LUNAR ECLIPSE IS A RARE AND BREATHTAKING EVENT.

THE MOON IS PASSING DIRECTLY BEHIND THE EARTH

BLOCKING THE LIGHT THAT NORMALLY ILLUMINATES IT.

WOW! NOTHING MORE EXCITING THAN A SLOW-MOVING SHADOW.

WATCHING A LUNAR ECLIPSE TAKES TIME AND PATIENCE.

WE'RE GONNA BE HERE ALL NIGHT.

OH, GREAT, SO IT'S LIKE A SLEEPOVER, MINUS THE FUN.

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING?

LOOKIN' AT THE LUNAR ECLIPSE.

OH, COOL! LET ME SEE.

OH, COME ON!

NOW THAT'S WORTH WATCHING.

Man: THE WORLD'S FIRST BIONIC SUPERHUMANS.

THEY'RE STRONGER THAN US.

FASTER, SMARTER.

THE NEXT GENERATION OF THE HUMAN RACE IS...

LIVING IN MY BASEMENT?

LEO DOOLEY'S VIDEO LOG OF THE LUNAR ECLIPSE.

I'M RECORDING TONIGHT'S EVENTS AS THEY HAPPEN

AND IN REAL TIME, NO EDITING,

NO FILTERS, AND NO SPECIAL EFFECTS.

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS.

HE'S AS OLD AS HE APPEARS.

( bones cracking )

HEY, WHAT ARE YOU FILMING?

THE BIZARRE EVENTS THAT HAPPEN DURING LUNAR ECLIPSES.

LAKES GO DRY, RIVERS TURN RED.

PEOPLE WON'T STOP TALKING.

LEO, PLEASE TELL ME YOU DON'T BUY INTO

ALL THAT LAME FOLKLORE.

IT'S NOT FOLKLORE, IT'S TRUE.

DURING THE LAST ECLIPSE,

I SAW A BIRD FLY BACKWARDS,

AND NO ONE BELIEVED ME.

IT'S NOT THAT WE DIDN'T BELIEVE YOU.

WE JUST DON'T CARE ABOUT THE THINGS YOU SAY.

LEO, AN ECLIPSE IS AN ASTRONOMICAL EVENT, OKAY?

IT'S NOT WITCHCRAFT, IT'S SCIENCE.

NOTHING BAD IS GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT.

AND I SPOKE TOO SOON.

QUICK, EVERYBODY HIDE.

GET DOWN, GET DOWN, GET DOWN, GET DOWN.

( thuds )

PRINCIPAL PERRY, WHAT'S WRONG?

IT MIGHT BE FASTER TO ASK HER WHAT'S RIGHT.

OKAY, I WAS UP ON MY NEIGHBOR'S ROOF

BORROWING THEIR SOLAR PANELS...

WHEN I SAW IT.

SAW WHAT?

THE SPACECRAFT.

THE ALIENS ARE USING THE LUNAR ECLIPSE

TO HIDE THEIR SPACESHIP AND INVADE EARTH.

YEAH, I READ ABOUT THIS IN LINE AT THE SUPERMARKET.

IT'S TRUE, ALIENS LIVE AMONG US.

OH, AND RYAN SEACREST HAS A GREAT MEATLOAF RECIPE.

THE SECRET-- CRACKERS.

YOU SEE? YOU SEE, I TOLD YOU.

WEIRD THINGS ARE GONNA HAPPEN TONIGHT.

FIRST, PRINCIPAL PERRY SEES A SPACESHIP,

AND THEN, ADAM CLAIMS TO HAVE READ SOMETHING.

LOOK, THERE ARE NO SUCH THINGS AS ALIENS.

OKAY? IT'S ALL MADE UP.

THERE'S A REASON IT'S CALLED SCIENCE FICTION.

HEY, I KNOW UFO's.

I SPENT A LOT OF NIGHTS SLEEPING ALONE IN THE DESERT,

AND NOT JUST BECAUSE MY FAMILY DUMPED ME THERE

AND DROVE OFF.

I DEFINITELY SAW A SPACESHIP TONIGHT.

JUST LIKE THE TIME YOU "DEFINITELY" SAW BIGFOOT,

AND IT WAS JUST YOUR TOES IN THE MIRROR?

IT WAS DARK.

SORRY.

LOOK, I KNOW WHAT I SAW, AND WHEN THE ALIENS INVADE,

I'LL BE SAFELY BARRICADED IN YOUR UNDERGROUND LAB.

WELL, ON THE BRIGHT SIDE, A GIRL ACTUALLY SHOWED UP

TO CHASE'S PARTY.

DON'T ANYBODY MOVE.

WHY NOT?

I WANNA REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE

BEFORE YOU GET RIPPED APART BY ALIENS.

DO YOU HAVE ANY REDEEMING QUALITIES?

IS HAVING VIOLENT MOOD SWINGS CONSIDERED REDEEMING?

I ASKED YOU A QUESTION!

OKAY, I'M GOING TO PUT THIS WHOLE ALIEN NONSENSE

TO REST ONCE AND FOR ALL WITH REAL SCIENCE.

THIS IS NASA's SATELLITE FEED

OF THE LUNAR ECLIPSE,

AND AS YOU MANIACS CAN SEE--

WAIT. SOMETHING JUST MOVED IN FRONT OF THE MOON.

LOOK, RIGHT THERE IN THE SHADOW.

HE'S RIGHT.

IT'S THE SPACESHIP.

LIKE AN INFECTED MOLE, I CAN SPOT 'EM A MILE AWAY,

OR A FOOT AWAY SINCE I GOT A CHUNK OF 'EM ON MY HANDS.

All: EWW!

I'M SURE THERE'S A SIMPLE EXPLANATION FOR THAT.

IT'S PROBABLY JUST SPACE DEBRIS.

NO, TRUST ME.

I WATCH A LOT OF ALIEN DOCUMENTARIES.

THIS IS THE FIRST PHASE OF THEIR PLAN.

WHAT PLAN? TALK.

AND LOOK RIGHT INTO THE LENS.

JUST DIRECT YOUR BREATH THAT WAY.

FIRST, THEY HOVER AND ANALYZE THE PLANET.

THEN, THEY INFECT SOMEONE AND USE THEIR BODY

AS A HOST TO MULTIPLY AND THEN--

THE MOVIE ENDS, AND EVERYBODY GOES HOME. GOOD NIGHT, CRAZY.

NO, LET HER FINISH.

AND THEN, THE INFECTED HUMAN

LAYS ALIEN EGGS, AND IN A FEW DAYS,

THEY TAKE OVER THE PLANET.

( gasping )

YOU CANNOT BE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY.

WHY ARE YOU GASPING?

I ENJOY A GOOD GASP. I'M A GASPER.

( loud rumbling )

WHAT WAS THAT?

MY STOMACH IS KILLING ME.

MUST'VE BEEN ALL THOSE ASTRONAUT PELLETS I ATE.

OR YOU WERE INFECTED BY AN ALIEN!

( gasping )

I WAS NOT INFECTED BY AN ALIEN.

HOW CAN YOU BE SURE?

YOU WERE GONE FOR 15 MINUTES.

AHA!

I WAS IN THE BATHROOM.

SHOULD I INVITE YOU NEXT TIME?

( rumbling )

I'M TELLING YOU.

IT'S ONLY A MATTER OF TIME BEFORE HIS STOMACH EXPLODES,

AND FIVE EGGS POP OUT.

SIX IF HE'S THE QUEEN.

SO YOU THINK THAT CHASE HERE IS JUST GONNA START

SQUIRTIN' OUT ALIEN SQUID BABIES?

I'M GONNA BE AN UNCLE.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT WHAT'S GOIN' ON IN THERE.

I'M GONNA NEED TWO CLAMPS, A ROLL OF PAPER TOWELS,

AND A MACHETE.

LEAVE ME ALONE.

I'M NOT GONNA HURT YOU.

I'M JUST GONNA SPLIT YOU OPEN

AND DESTROY THE ALIEN BABIES INSIDE YOU.

NO!

CHASE WAS NOT INFECTED BY AN ALIEN.

SETTLE DOWN, CAPTAIN KIRK.

HEY, I'VE BEEN AROUND ENOUGH TRUCK STOPS AT 3:00 A.M.

TO KNOW WHEN SOMETHING WEIRD'S GOIN' ON.

AND TRUST ME, THERE'S A BUNCH OF E.T.'s LIVING IN HIS LITTLE BOY GUTS.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S MORE SHOCKING--

PERRY THINKING CHASE IS AN ALIEN,

OR TWO BIONIC PEOPLE STRUGGLING TO SUBDUE HER.

WHAT IF CHASE REALLY DID GET TAKEN OVER BY ALIENS?

THEY'RE GONNA SAY, "TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER,"

BUT HE IS OUR LEADER. THIS IS SO CONFUSING.

STOP IT.

OKAY, YOU'RE BEING RIDICULOUS.

NO ONE IS AN ALIEN.

EVERYTHING'S FINE.

THEN WHY IS THAT GREEN STUFF

OOZING OUT OF HER EARS?

IT'S PROBABLY JUST ANOTHER EAR INFECTION

FROM THAT ROBUST LAKE BACTERIA.

EVERY SUNDAY, ME AND THE GALS GO

BARE-HAND TROUT WRANGLING.

EW. IT'S DRIPPING ALL OVER THE FLOOR.

I WANT TO LICK IT.

- PRINCIPAL PERRY. - UH-HUH.

I'M VERY CONCERNED ABOUT YOU...

MAKING A MESS IN MY HOUSE.

OUT. LET'S GO.

I'M FINE.

( demonic voice ) THIS PLANET IS OURS NOW!

THAT'S PROBABLY JUST THE BACTERIA TALKING.

EVERYBODY CALM DOWN.

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS ALIENS.

( loud roar )

( speaking alien language )

GOT A SCIENTIFIC EXPLANATION FOR THAT?

WELL, IT IS COLD AND FLU SEASON.

STILL THINK IT'S A COLD?

NO, I'M ON BOARD. SHE'S AN ALIEN.

MY SPAWN WILL WIPE OUT HUMANKIND!

HEY, WHY IS EVERYBODY STARING AT ME?

YOU HAVE A LITTLE SCHMUTZ ON YOUR...

EVERYWHERE.

OKAY, OBVIOUSLY,

PRINCIPAL PERRY HAS BEEN TAKEN OVER BY AN ALIEN.

SHE DOESN'T REALIZE THAT IT'S WRESTLING FOR CONTROL OF HER BODY.

WOW, THE ALIENS WANT HER?

MAN, HOW BAD ARE THINGS ON THAT PLANET?

I'M STARVIN'.

FEEL LIKE I'M EATIN' FOR SIX.

SHE'S EATING FOR SIX. SHE'S GONNA HAVE ALIEN BABIES. I DON'T WANNA SEE THAT.

DON'T MAKE ME SEE THAT.

UH, FAMILY MEETING.

THIS IS BAD. THIS IS REALLY, REALLY BAD.

WHAT DO WE DO?!

WELL, I GUESS WE CAN CHECK PANICKING OFF THE LIST!

OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, WE NEED TO SUBDUE PERRY

UNTIL WE CAN FIND A WAY TO GET THE ALIEN OUT.

( alien roaring )

OKAY, I'M PRETTY SURE THE ALIEN WANTS OUT OF HER, TOO.

IT CANNOT BE GOOD IN THERE.

ALIENS EXIST?

EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT THE UNIVERSE IS WRONG.

IF I CAN'T TRUST SCIENCE,

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT'S REAL ANYMORE.

AM I EVEN GOOD-LOOKING?

I'M A LITTLE BIT MORE CONCERNED ABOUT THE WAY SHE LOOKS!

ALL RIGHT, WE HAVE TO GET HER DOWN TO THE LAB

AND GET HER TRAPPED IN A CAPSULE.

MAYBE THEN WE CAN FIND A WAY TO SAVE HER.

WAIT. IF ALIENS AND PERRY

ARE WRESTLING FOR CONTROL OF HER BODY, MAYBE PERRY'LL WIN.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE SHE'S WINNING?

COME ON, GIRL, COME ON.

EH-EH-EH.

NO DESSERT PLATES TILL YOU FINISH YOUR DINNER PLATES.

OH, GOOD GIRL.

COME ON, ADAM, LEAD HER RIGHT INTO THE CAPSULE. KEEP GOING.

WE WATCH IN WONDER AS THE ALIEN DEVOURS

THE LAST OF MY MOTHER'S WEDDING CHINA.

HEY, WHY AM I EATIN' A PLATE?

WHAT'S GOIN' ON WITH MY SKIN?

IT'S CLEARIN' UP.

SHE'S BACK TO NORMAL PERRY. WHAT DO WE DO NOW?

YOU GOT ANYTHING, MR. DAVENPORT?

IT LICKED ME.

IT LICKED ME!

THEY SAY A CRISIS BRINGS OUT THE BEST IN PEOPLE.

THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE.

HEY, GUYS, IF PRINCIPAL PERRY THINKS THAT CHASE IS THE ALIEN,

WHY DON'T WE JUST USE HIM AS BAIT

TO TRAP HER IN ONE OF THE CAPSULES?

GREAT IDEA. QUICK, CHASE, ACT LIKE AN ALIEN.

WHAT? I DON'T KNOW HOW TO ACT LIKE AN ALIEN.

JUST TRY.

THAT'S A ZOMBIE.

THAT'S A VAMPIRE.

THAT'S YOU.

PRINCIPAL PERRY, YOU WERE RIGHT.

CHASE IS AN ALIEN.

HELP US GET HIM INTO HIS CAPSULE

SO THAT WE CAN DESTROY HIM.

GO, SHOO, SHOO!

ALL RIGHT, I'M IN MY CAPSULE.

READY TO BE INCINERATED.

GREAT. I'LL FINISH OFF CHASE, THEN WE'LL DEAL WITH THE ALIEN.

THE ON SWITCH IS IN THAT CAPSULE.

I'D PUSH IT, BUT LADIES FIRST.

- YOU. YOU PUSH IT. - OH!

WE GOT HER.

( demonic voice ) NOT SO FAST.

IT'S HOT IN HERE.

WHAT IS THAT?

OH, COME ON. HAVE YOU NOT FIGURED IT OUT YET?

THERE'S A PLATE-EATING ALIEN INSIDE YOU.

NO. GET IT OUT, GET IT OUT!

( demonic voice ) LEAVE IT IN, LEAVE IT IN.

( normal voice ) NO, NO, DON'T WORRY. I CAN FIGHT IT OFF.

WHEN YOU HAVE AS MANY DISEASES AS I HAVE,

YOU BUILD UP A LOT OF IMMUNITIES.

GUYS, WE'RE GETTING NOWHERE.

WHAT'S YOUR BRIGHT IDEA?

I DON'T KNOW. MAYBE IF I HER HER HARD ENOUGH,

THE ALIEN WILL POP RIGHT OUT.

DON'T YOU THINK THAT'S A LITTLE EXTREME?

( demonic voice ) MUST MULTIPLY AND CONQUER EARTH.

LARGE FOREHEAD GIRL GOES DOWN FIRST!

WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR? PUNCH HER.

IT'S STRONGER THAN ADAM. WE'RE ALL GONERS!

ANY OTHER BRIGHT IDEAS?

( roaring )

TELL YOU WHAT.

YOU GUYS DISCUSS, I'VE GOT A THING.

GUYS, WAIT!

MY COOKING SHOW'S ON.

I'LL RECORD IT.

WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE DO SOMETHING?

DADDY'S SCARED.

WOULD YOU QUIT BEING SUCH A BIG BABY?

ANY SIGN OF HER?

NO.

I THINK WE LOST HER.

GREAT. LET'S HOP IN THE CAR AND GET OUT OF HERE.

WE CAN'T.

IF THAT ALIEN GETS OUT IN THE GENERAL POPULATION,

THERE'S NO STOPPING HER. A LOT OF PEOPLE WILL DIE.

YEAH, BUT NONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WILL BE ME.

CHOWING DOWN ON ALL THOSE PLATES

MUST'VE REALLY TUCKERED HER OUT.

SHE'S SLEEPING.

NOW'S OUR CHANCE TO TRAP HER.

I HAVE AN IDEA.

I JUST WANNA GET ONE QUICK CLOSE-UP.

- NO! - STOP!

WHEN THE CREATURE IS AT REST,

- IT ALMOST SEEMS GENTLE. - ( snoring )

YO, BE CAREFUL.

SH! DON'T WAKE HER UP.

STOP HER. WE CAN'T LET HER ESCAPE.

I'M FILMING MY OWN DEMISE.

WE'RE WAITING.

OH, SO WE'RE ALL GOING.

LEO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU KNOW, JUST CHILLIN'.

HANGIN' OUT IN AN ALIEN WEB,

WAITING FOR THE ALIEN EGGS TO HATCH

AND EAT ME!

WHERE DID THOSE COME FROM?

WELL, IT WASN'T THE EASTER BUNNY.

THOSE THINGS ARE GONNA HATCH SOON,

AND WHEN THEY DO, I'M DINNER.

NO, DINNER WAS HOURS AGO.

TECHNICALLY, YOU'LL BE A MIDNIGHT SNACK.

WAIT! MAYBE WE CAN KEEP HER FROM MULTIPLYING.

ADAM, USE YOUR HEAT VISION TO TAKE OUT THE PODS.

( speaking alien language)

THE MOTHER SHIP MUST BE ABLE TO SENSE DANGER.

IT'S CALLING THE ALIEN HOME.

I'M FREE.

WOW! I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY TOOK PERRY.

SHE'S GONE FOREVER.

I'M SURE WE'LL MISS HER SOMEDAY.

HEY, LOOK. THEY LEFT A NOTE.

IT'S IN AN ALIEN LANGUAGE.

I'LL DO MY BEST TO TRANSLATE.

"IF THIS THING REPRESENTS HUMANKIND,

YOU CAN KEEP YOUR PLANET. WE'RE MOVING ON TO MARS."

WOW! THEY REALLY ARE A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE.

THEY REALLY ARE A HIGHER INTELLIGENCE.

THERE YOU GO.

BIONIC FAMILY VERSUS ALIEN PRINCIPAL.

- WHAT DO YOU THINK? - GREAT JOB, LEO.

THAT IS GUARANTEED TO WIN

THIS YEAR'S AMATEUR SCI-FI FILM FESTIVAL.

PERRY AS AN ALIEN, YES.

THREE BIONIC TEENS, I DON'T BUY IT.

YOU KNOW WHO REALLY NAILED IT, THOUGH?

MR. DAVENPORT.

I TOTALLY BELIEVED YOU WERE SCARED.

WELL, I AM QUITE THE ACTOR.

BUT IN REAL LIFE, IT'S GONNA TAKE A LOT MORE

THAN SOME ALIEN TO SCARE ME. OH!