Original subtitles

(staticky)

- [James] They say

the day you record

your first comedy special

is a bit like your wedding day,

except you have to do it twice

and it's just you up there

and there are no,

there's no officiator,

and there's no vows,

and no flowers.

It's, it's I mean it's nothing,

I don't know.

No one says that.

Look guys I didn't

wanna do this,

but I just wanted

to get stuck in,

to the show.

Oh look a man's

offering me a Perrier,

but JR, the guy on

my right, your left,

he said I should open the

special with a sort of

behind the scenes video showing

how the artist prepares.

I said that was pretench.

He said saying

pretench was pretench.

I was tired and I think it

might have been stipulated,

I had to do it in the

contract, so here we go.

The artist ties his shoe laces.

That was a little

scene that we shot.

The artist eats

fruit from the rider,

that's a technical term for

all the stuff they leave

in the dressing room.

Gets groomed.

Not like that, but you

know hair and make up.

Drinks coffee.

Drinks more coffee.

Drink incredibly

too much coffee.

Panics and genuinely

considers doing a runner.

Employs Ranging Bull technique

to artificially

boost self esteem.

You're a funny guy.

Reads set.

Discards set.

Considers writing new set.

Visits stage.

- Thinks about Drew.

Who is Drew?

What makes him tick,

and why is he so in demand.

Wonders whether the

sign is big enough.

Questions whether size of

belly could be reduced in post.

Notices a lot of

pointing going on.

Tests out effectiveness

of pointing.

Enjoys pointing.

Resolves to point more often.

Marvels at all the people.

He never thought he'd

need so many people:

the people pressing buttons,

the people operating

cameras and lights,

the person outside

scaring the audience.

Is rendered incapable of

forming complete sentences.

But when I'm,

when we, can you?

Pretends to understand

technical jargon.

- Panics about trivial things.

Is left alone in the

dressing room for

an extended period of time.

Contacts agent to,

darn show called off.

Accepts this has all

been a terrible mistake.

Discovers fridge has Diet Coke,

performs cool cut away

shot for no reason.

Wonders if they really thought

he was gonna wear the jumper

with the big flower.

Generates distractions

to go with nerves.

(squirting)

Contemplates nature of the self.

Eats more fruit.

Remembers what the

cut away shot is for.

Is forced to make last

minute changes to material

to render it quote,

"less actively racist".

Expresses resentment for having

to do behind the scenes opener.

How long are you

going to be here for?

(staticky)

(upbeat music)

(audience cheering)

Hi everyone.

(audience clapping)

I spend an enormous amount

of time on the internet

doing stupid, stupid

things like reply to emails

that are not meant for me.

(audience laughing)

I do a lot of that.

I get a lot of emails

that are not meant,

different Veitch's,

different Veitch's.

I got an email that was

for Alan and Deb Veitch.

I have no idea who

these people are.

(audience laughing)

No idea.

But it was the--basically,

they were getting a,

they were getting a

swimming pool built,

and they've had

like an estimate.

And it was basically, it was

a guy called Lex Fischer.

Runs a company

called ReLex Pools

(audience laughing)

Let that sink in.

(audience laughing)

And the pool was 102 LF, and

I thought I'd give it a whirl.

I thought I'd just reply.

So I replied.

I said look what

does LF stand for?

And they got back to me

and they said LF stands

for linear feet.

Janice did not seem to

mind or notice the fact

that I was neither Alan nor Deb.

(audience laughing)

And I thought

that's interesting.

So she said,

"see attached plans".

Now guys these are the

plans they attached.

Now that's stub, see that's the,

their neighboring

house is there.

That's Alan and Debs house.

And the proposed swimming

pool on the top left.

And I wanna make one

thing very clear,

you should never reply to an

email that's not meant for you.

(audience laughing)

You shouldn't do it.

(audience laughing)

You should just let the

people know that they've made

a mistake and delete the email.

However,

(audience laughing)

looking at that,

I don't know about you,

but to me,

I just didn't think Alan and Deb

were gonna be happy with that.

(audience laughing)

Long term.

I said "Janice, I'm

gonna be frank."

(audience laughing)

"I'm unhappy with the

size of the pool."

(audience laughing)

She said, "Mr. Veitch,

it is not legal to build

on private property.

The pool is as large as it

can be without encroaching

on your neighbors property."

"Old Man McPherson?

(audience laughing)

He won't mind.

(audience laughing)

We're still skimping on

the size of the pool.

I don't want people to

come 'round and be like

'Where's the pool?'

Balls on the line Janice,

(audience laughing)

it needs to be larger."

(audience laughing)

"How much larger?"

Boom.

(audience laughing)

"That is not possible."

No shit Janice.

(audience laughing)

"We cannot build that

close to the property."

Well I took out the property.

(audience laughing)

I thought that she would

know that I was joking, right?

No, no, no, she said,

"Where will you live?"

(audience laughing)

I said, "Boom".

(audience laughing)

Guys I don't know why I do

some of the things that I do.

Well, I'm just not meant,

I don't think I'm meant

to be like an adult.

I always thought that

when I was growing up,

I always thought I'd realize

that I was suddenly an adult,

some sort of way.

I failed my first job interview.

This should tell you

something about me.

I failed my first job interview.

It was for a cashier

in a supermarket.

I failed, because, when they,

when they asked me

what's my weaknesses were,

I said organization

and punctuality.

(audience laughing)

And then when they asked

me what my strengths were,

I said Russian literature.

(audience laughing)

I just thought there would

be a way that you know

that you're a man.

You know what I mean. That

you know that you're like,

oh this is what adulthood

is and this is what,

oh okay I get it now,

and this is what I'm gonna do.

But thus the way you discover

you're a man is the way

I think everyone

discovers they're a man

which is like you're

walking down the street,

and then someone else is

walking down the street

with their child.

And they say to the

child, "Oh, mind the man."

And then you're like

oh, where's the,

I'm the man.

(audience reacting)

I am, uh, was thinking about

the fact that look everything

that I thought when I was

a child about adulthood,

is not come to fruition.

Everything I thought was

so simple as a child,

has become really

complicated and I was trying

to do this words and

I couldn't really,

so I did what I think

anyone would have done

in this situation.

I sent an email to

Kinder Surprise.

(audience laughing)

I said, "Guys, I'm having

some significant difficulty

putting together one

of your surprises."

It's really hard, and this

is coming from someone

with a masters

in mechanical..."

that is not true.

(audience laughing)

I should point that out. That's

a hundred percent not true.

They got back to me.

They said "Dear James,

thank you for email.

May I ask what difficulties

you are having?"

Said Stephanie on the

consumer relations team.

I said, "I've been

building the toy

for fifteen hours straight.

(audience laughing)

How do you expect children

to do this is beyond me!"

To put this in perspective,

I mean again,

(audience laughing)

that's a lie.

She said, "Our surprises

are designed to be assembled

by a child of three years."

I was not happy about that.

(audience laughing)

She said, "Normally all

our toys come with a set

of instructions.

Do you have those?"

And this is what I've

been waiting for.

I said, "Yes, actually

I can't help feeling

they could do with

being expanded.

See attached."

Now truth be told guys,

I did not have

those instructions.

I didn't even have

a Kinder Surprise.

(audience laughing)

But what I did have,

was two free days and I said,

as I think we've

already established,

a flair for Photoshop.

(audience laughing)

So remember to illustrate the

fact that I think that things

were so simple as a child,

have now become so

complex as an adult.

I sent them this.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

"Dear James,

I will send you vouchers

for a replacement."

(audience laughing)

- [Audience Member] Oh yes.

- Like I view my kind,

my life is material.

Everything I do I

just have fun with it.

I think, well,

here's an example.

It's get me into

trouble basically.

I went to the, I was invited

to the Melbourne

International Comedy Festival.

Really, really exciting

thing to be invited to.

And they invited me to it,

they sent me the plans of the

venue I was going to be at.

So they said look, that's

what it looks like,

that's the kind of layout,

that's the chairs, that's

the lighting rig, et cetera.

And I shouldn't of done this,

because this is a

professional engagement.

I don't know these

people, they don't know,

why do I do...?

There's something in me

that just makes me...

I don't know why.

I said "Guys, just

looking at the PDF,

I have one or two

fairly serious concerns.

Does this guy...

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

he thinks we can't

see him here but..."

(audience laughing)

When I went to the,

when I did the Melbourne

International Festival,

at the beginning, they have

this gala thing, big gala.

And what they do all

the comics come out

and they do five minutes of

stuff then you leave the stage.

All the comics, each one.

And then at the end of it,

what they do is they have

this big kind of thing

where they make all the

comedians come back on stage

and they play this really loud

music and they go, "Goodbye".

And they, like a

confetti cannon goes off.

The music comes on.

We're all meant to go like,

"Woo!"

But what's the point?

What is the point?

In anything, but

particularly in that?

(audience laughing)

What is the point?

And basically, I

just don't like...

Twice I tried to

hide in the bathroom,

and twice I've been caught.

And forced to go,

and this time they literally

pushed me on stage.

I did not know this

was filmed or aired.

You know what I mean?

I saw some of the,

but someone pointed

this out to me.

I only watched my bit.

I did not know this

had been filmed.

Someone pointed this out to me.

This is what happened.

See if you can spot

anything untoward.

- Now ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for

everybody you've seen tonight

as I welcome them

back on the stage!

(audience cheering)

Ladies and gentlemen thank

you so much, good night!

(audience laughing)

- They fucked me!

They completely fucked me.

Honestly that's the last thing

you saw before they adverts.

(audience laughing)

You know what that is?

- Good night!

(audience laughing)

I can't hide it.

I can't hide it.

I don't like tedium.

I don't like boring stuff,

and that's, what is the?

My life is 90% tedium.

Do you know what I mean?

I don't want to get

to the end of my life

and this is what I worry about.

I don't wanna get to

the end of my life

and discover I've been paying

attention to the wrong things.

I spent my life on too much TV,

but not things that are

genuinely important.

I recently, I discovered that

I'd spent the lion share of my--

and I'm old, I just moisturize.

(audience laughing)

I'd spent the lion share of my

life saying "my-zulled"

instead of mislead, when I

read it out, in a book.

I'd be like, oh, "my-zulled".

(audience laughing)

He was my-zulled. And a

friend said to me, he was like,

"Do you mean mislead?"

And I was like, "No."

(audience laughing)

You have been my-zulled.

(audience laughing)

I just worry that sort of

thing is gonna happen to me.

I'm gonna get to

the end of my life,

and realize I've been

doing something wrong

all the way through.

And the problem is,

there's so many things in

this world that we have

to pay attention to,

and it's hard enough to

discriminate the things

that are important and

the things that aren't

without companies

trying to pretend

that they're more

important than they are.

Here's a case in point.

I get my haircut in London at

a place called Headmasters.

(audience laughing)

Obviously.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

I can't, I just can't see.

(audience laughing)

Whenever I call up

to get my haircut,

I say, "Can I have an

appointment to cut my hair?"

And they say, "Well who do

you wanna cut your hair?"

And I say, "Preferably

someone who can."

(audience laughing)

And they say no, no, no James,

we have all these

different types of people.

We have like the Stylist,

the Senior Stylist, Designer,

Master Hair Designer, the Team,

what is the point in

like all these people?

They got a Master.

How am I supposed to know

that a Master Hair Designer

is not as good as

a Team designer,

or a Senior Consultant?

And what is, they've all got

their arbitrary price points

like how am I supposed to know

that a Master Hair Designer

is three pounds less

than a Team Designer?

What does that mean?

Also where'd you get

the stylist from?

Did you just drag

them off the street?

(audience laughing)

I thought they deserved

to be called out on this.

So I sent them an email.

(audience laughing)

I said, "Dear Headmasters,

I was pleased with

my recent haircut

until I saw my friend

Nige sporting his haircut.

I was devastated to

discover that despite

paying significantly

less than me,

Nige had come away with

a comparable haircut.

How do you account for this?"

(audience laughing)

They got in touch, they said,

"James, I'm really

sorry your appointment

left you less than satisfied.

What exactly were

you disappointed by?

Your feedback is really

important to us."

(audience laughing)

I said "Jennifer,

basically Nige always books

a Senior Stylist so I figured

by booking my appointment

with a Master Hair Consultant,

I was ensuring a

vastly better haircut.

But this was not the case.

Also I didn't get a biscuit

with my filter coffee

and he did."

(audience laughing)

I wanted to include

some kind of,

a picture, speaks,

says a thousand,

so I basically look we've

got the promise right?

And what I've done is

I've got all the kind of,

I don't think I'm

a normal comedian.

(audience laughing)

I mean I was looking at this

the other day and I was like

what the hell is that?

When did I make that?

Put yellow arrows and bits,

I don't even know

what formed that.

What am I doing?

Anyway, the promise,

I thought it resembled,

the reality,

much smaller margin

between Nige and I,

do you know what I mean?

So "James the class of stylist

is based on their experience.

I'm very sorry that

you feel Nige's haircut

is better than yours.

Your feedback is really

important to us."

(audience laughing)

And I said, "Oh,

I don't, Jennifer.

His haircut is definitely

worse than mine.

It's just that it's worse...

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

(audience laughing)

(James laughing)

I said "I was seen by a

Master Hair Consultant,

by my calculations,

I walked out of the salon

just 16.92% shy of the elusive

a hundred percent

perfect haircut.

Yet, despite being cut

by a Senior Stylist,

Nige's hair looks like

it could have been done

by a Team Designer.

(audience laughing)

If I didn't know

better Jennifer,

I'd suspect Headmaster's of

fabricating arbitrary job titles

to make haircuts seem more

important than they are.

Also, Nige got a

biscuit and I didn't."

(audience laughing)

I wanted to include

some stats guys,

'cause you can't

rely upon words,

so obviously that's where

obviously Nige should be.

(audience laughing)

That's where Nige actually is.

That's me, perilously

close to me.

And that's really what we,

that's what we all aspire to.

(audience laughing)

That's the hundred

percent perfect haircut.

So "James my manager

is asking what you mean

when you say 100%

perfect haircut?"

I was really glad

she asked me this,

'cause this gave

me the opportunity.

I just, I meant

something like, you know.

(audience laughing)

"Dear James, I'm delighted

to say that we can offer

a free cut and

style, 30 minutes!"

I was like "It's amazing right?"

It's what great, to

be honest obviously,

a question had been

left unresolved,

so I sent her a pie

chart explaining

exactly what had happened.

(audience laughing)

It's fairly self,

it's like.

"I will make sure

there is a biscuit."

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

The world filled

with distractions.

Even as something

as simple as walking

down the street, can be tough.

That's why I never

leave the house

without my Macintosh classic.

But I never leave the house,

but when I do,

I always have my Mac,

I just carry it

with me at all times

is what I'm saying.

Whenever a new

piece of technology

comes into the marketplace,

people are intimidated by it.

I'm not a teacher,

but as an early adulter,

I lead the way.

And I teach people,

so I am also a teacher.

But with an eight

megahertz processor,

I can pound out spreadsheets

like there's no tomorrow.

But there is a tomorrow,

and it's right after today.

And when the

workload gets heavy,

I bust out my ideal setup.

I'm James Veitch.

I take each day as it comes.

The computer does the hard work.

Portability's key,

whether it be writing report,

updating a spreadsheet,

or doing other business things.

With a Macintosh Classic,

I don't have to be

chained to my desk.

With just a few adjustments,

I can be anywhere.

(soft music)

James Veitch, Disruptor.

(staticky)

I think we need

more magic in the world.

That's why I don't like the TV.

I think we need to do more,

so I just do stupid thing,

again I don't know why.

I don't know if you saw

the thing with the ducks?

And the thing with the ducks,

I was basically harassing

my family, by essentially,

by putting more and

more ducks or different...

It's a long story.

(audience laughing)

But basically, I went

out into that bathroom.

I would also do something else.

Which if this gets

aired, she'll discover.

I went in there and

I picked up her,

I picked up her conditioner

in the bathroom.

And if that conditioner

was less than half full,

I would take it into my bedroom

where I bought the

same brand conditioner.

And I would kind of refill

it to like about 2/3 full.

And I would sort of,

I would cover my

tracks as best I could.

(audience laughing)

And then I would put it

back in the bathroom.

(audience laughing)

I did that for a

year and a half.

(audience laughing)

And I never mentioned it.

And she never

mentioned it to me.

(audience laughing)

My question is this,

what did she think

was happening?

(audience laughing)

'Cause she didn't have to

buy conditioner for a year.

(audience laughing)

And the thing is she

must have noticed right?

Because I did it

to her conditioner,

but I did not do

it to her shampoo.

(audience laughing)

Still never told her.

I do, I do, a lot of

companies hire me now

to go around, to go

to the companies,

and go around the world,

and kind of do these kind

of keynote

presentations for them.

Because I use slides,

I think they think

they're learning.

(audience laughing)

I don't know how to tell them.

Every time I do it,

I mean I get these faces,

got company solos coming,

I go around, and I do a bit

for them and their companies.

It's a, it's a bit, soulless.

Every time I do, I

lose a bit of my soul,

um, but I gain

a bit of a house.

(audience laughing)

So it seems fair enough.

Every time I do it,

I have to sign a speaker form.

It's always the same. It's

always the same sort of form.

It says James

Veitch is his name,

then it says Title,

and I don't have a title.

All right well what do I put,

but the other person who

had written President.

So I was like, well

fuck it, you know.

(audience laughing)

You could say anything.

You know what I mean?

You could just, I don't

anyone checks these things,

because I've been doing

it every single way,

Vice CEO of the Chairman

Board of Chairmen.

(audience laughing)

Event Manager.

I said 100% Professional

Businessman.

(audience laughing)

James Veitch,

Senorio Importanzio

(audience laughing)

Is that a thing?

It sounds like it should be.

I'm single.

(audience laughing)

- [Woman] Woo!

- Obviously, nah, nah.

So I've been doing

some dating websites.

So I was on this one. I

was on Guardian Soulmates,

but they kicked me off.

They kicked me off,

because they said, "We're

writing to let you know

that your Soulmates profile

picture breached our terms

and conditions and won't be

available to other users.

Please note the following.

Profile pictures should

not contain people

other than yourself.

And this I found is very odd,

because, well,

this is the picture that I

was trying to make my profile.

That's legitimately.

(audience laughing)

Shit you not.

I just don't think girls

are gonna be confused

(audience laughing)

by who they're going

on a date with.

I sent them an email.

I said, "Look mate I need,

please I love that picture."

Reinstate the picture.

The duck works wonders."

And they got back to me.

This guy called Steve

at Soulmates

said it's been approved.

And I was like amazing,

but I was really annoyed with

them for having giving me

the runaround, and

it was a bit silly,

so I sent them a letter

from the duck.

(audience laughing)

"Dear Steve it's come to my

attention that James Veitch

has been using my image

without my permission."

(audience laughing)

And then he wrote a lot more

and then he had to sign it,

and it was quite, obviously,

just like a more of (stomping).

Do you know what I mean?

And then that was sort

of in for a penny,

so then I made an actual

profile for the duck.

'Cause why not right?

Just so I see what happens.

Now, despite them saying

that that duck is a person,

it wouldn't allow me

just to put a picture

of a duck up there. I

couldn't get away with it.

It would pop up a lot of things,

saying your profile

picture has been rejected

which really annoyed me,

because they said a

duck was a person.

So I discovered what you can do.

Is you can put that picture in,

and then you wait a few weeks,

and then you swap it out

for one that's very similar.

Watch very carefully.

(audience laughing)

You wait a few more weeks,

you swap it out again.

(audience laughing)

Pretty soon guys, pretty soon,

you've just gone full duck.

(audience laughing)

Had to answer some

questions about me.

I said height, that was

the lowest they'd go.

Hair, obviously, and

obviously star sign, you know.

(audience laughing)

In my own words,

"I'm just a duck

standing in front of a girl,

(audience laughing)

asking her to feed

me some bread."

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

Fuck me.

That's get an approval.

Wait for this guys.

Who I'm looking for?

"Someone who fits the bill."

Drop mic legend.

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

Had to do some sort of,

had to do some pictures.

So I picked the sort of

pictures that people normally do

on their kind of

Soulmates profile.

You know all their

dating profile pictures,

so I was like, well okay,

first of all, this is so me.

(audience laughing)

and then I work out!

Serious face.

You have like self,

classic selfie.

So a girl messaged me.

Message said "How does

he create the picture?

He's got no arms."

I'm like, "That's

your issue with this?"

(audience laughing)

You just sent a

message to a duck.

(audience laughing)

History is important.

Obviously, and then

you got your "awe",

and then that's just

me, just messing,

you know what I mean?

(audience laughing)

I know they're geese, now.

(audience laughing)

This is what I anticipate.

It's all fun and games

until James gets hurt.

Within the first two

weeks, I shit you not,

221 messages.

(audience laughing)

(audience reacting)

So what I did was

prove categorically

that I was basically

less attractive than a duck.

(audience laughing)

You're not in control of how

people see you really, are you?

On the internet particularly.

You have no control over

the way people view you.

I know this,

because when I was messing

the scammers for ages.

For and I think they

must have done something

to my Google search thing,

because for ages people

pointed this out to me.

When you search for me,

it says James Veitch,

and then it said people

also searched for,

and I was like "Holy shit!"

(audience laughing)

I don't think he

was funny at all.

(audience laughing)

Now people say stuff about it.

You can't control this.

People say, this guy wrote,

"Unfunny joke,

long pause and stare at the

audience until they laugh,

how has this wanker

made a career of this?"

I said, "By doing

literally that."

(audience laughing)

This guy wrote, "Pretty creative

as far as comedians go."

But then this other

guy wrote beneath it,

"I kinda thought the opposite."

I was like,

I wrote, "I mean he's

basically a loser

with too much time

on his hands."

(audience laughing)

But then you're not

in even control,

you're not even in control,

some girl, some person

wrote beneath that.

"You don't know him

personally, you have no right"

(audience laughing)

I was genuinely confused.

"James Veitch looks

like an adorable bug."

I will take it.

(audience laughing)

"I don't know why,

but I think you look like a

young Stephen Hawking in a way."

How young?

(audience laughing)

"And he's hot.

If you're into that

kind of thing."

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

I can leave that pause

for so long.

(audience laughing)

'Cause everyone, and he's hot,

and I want everyone

to go "Yeah he is."

But instead you all

go like, "um-hum."

(audience laughing)

And the joke?

Now I'm doing all right.

Now if you search for me,

this is what happens.

Search for James Veitch,

it says related

James Veitch emails, hummus.

(audience laughing)

When it comes to

true portability,

it's hard to go wrong

with a Message Pad 130.

Whether it be crunching numbers

with on board calculator,

generating a virtual

business card,

or simply capturing

my whimsical ideas,

the Message Pad

130 has me covered.

Does your mind feel tangled up?

Ease the pressure by writing

down as much as you can.

It's called a brain dump,

and aided by Message Pad,

I've taken brain dumps all

over the London Underground.

Other people may choose

different devices.

Not everyone can take

the cutting edge.

But with storage for more

than 200 contact numbers,

I know I shan't

be alone for long.

James Veitch, Communicator.

(staticky)

You gotta be careful out there.

I was on Tinder,

and this girl called

Maurine messaged me.

She was really beautiful and

she said "Hey you around?"

And I was like, "Hello there."

In fact I actually, I

said, "Hello there."

(audience laughing)

And then she said,

"I just wanna say I

think you're very sexy."

And I was like ooh,

glad someone has noticed.

I said well "You ain't so

shabby yourself Maurine.

What do you do?

And she said, "I'm tired,

I've had such a long day."

And I said "Likewise.

Plans for the weekend?

It wouldn't have

escaped your attention,

I was bringing some quality

banter to the situation.

This was, this was.

(audience laughing)

And then she said, she said,

"I'm feeling a bit naughty."

(audience laughing)

I know.

(audience laughing)

That's exactly what I thought.

And I said, "Not

declaring income naughty

or naughty naughty?"

(audience laughing)

'Cause I know which one I am.

(audience laughing)

The income one,

it's the income one.

She said, "Do you like girls?"

(audience laughing)

I was like okay, I said, well

"I loved the first season."

(audience laughing)

(James giggles)

She said "Going to

change my clothes.

Want to watch?"

I was like, I

mean, "Not really."

(audience laughing)

Do you wanna watch me

de-scale the kettle?

What are we doing here?

Why?

Then she said, "I'm naked.

What are you wearing?"

And I was like well

okay, I'll play along.

I said "I'm wearing

chinos and an Apple Watch,

and not much else."

Unless you count my, you

know, all the other things.

(audience laughing)

And then she said,

it really escalated very,

'cause she said "Have you

ever made a girl cum?"

And I was like well,

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

"Almost certainly."

(audience laughing)

But I was beginning

to get a bit suspich.

'Cause she had not been

replying to any of my questions.

She'd just been like,

it seems she'd just

been sending a series

of predefined statements,

and I was beginning to think

that maybe she was like

a sex robot and not

in like a good way.

In a like way that she's just,

she's designed to get

me to click a link.

I click the link,

I go to some sort of sex site.

There are loads of beautiful

girls, that are naked.

I start going back to the site.

I become obsessed.

I make like a login.

I start spending a lot of

money on the site.

I get spiraled into debt.

I don't know, I've never

clicked the link,

but I thought maybe

I'd try something.

Have you ever heard

of the Turing Test?

Okay, if you haven't,

it's a test invented in 1930

by Benedict Cumberbatch

designed principally

(audience laughing)

to test whether

someone's a robot or not.

So I said, (James

vocalizing), gobbly goo.

And then she said

"click join2Watchcam."

I was like, "awe".

I said "Your feedback..."

(audience laughing)

(audience clapping)

Whenever I book an appointment

for the doctors online,

well first of all

I don't know if,

I do it, I love doing this.

I just treat it like a shop.

I just google the symptoms

for the medication I want.

(audience laughing)

And I get there, I

say "I have this."

And the doctor says, "Well

we have nothing for that."

And I say, "Well I think if you

check your computer thing

you'll discover that Valium

will be very effective.

(audience laughing)

Anyway I go to the doctors,

and whenever I go there,

they ask me to

confirm my booking.

And they ask me to enter my

reason for the appointment.

This bothers me,

because you know I'll

just tell the doctor,

like the good ole days.

I don't need to enter my reason,

become part of the stats

it's often a personal thing.

So I wrote "Concerned

I'm going to die."

(audience laughing)

And they didn't like that.

They wouldn't give

me the appointment.

So next time I wrote,

"Death is inevitable!"

(audience laughing)

I did get the appointment,

but this is not recommended,

because what that meant was I

had to spend like 20 minutes

explaining to the doctor

I was not depressed.

(audience laughing)

She was like "But you've

written, death is inevitable."

I said, "It is.

(audience laughing)

Did they not? They should

have told you this on day one.

(audience laughing)

This is a losing battle

you are fighting here."

(audience laughing)

And then because of

that interaction,

she was a bit flustered

and what she said

basically I think what she,

she really got

the wording wrong.

What she wanted to say was,

have you had suicidal thoughts?

But she really messed

up the wording,

'cause what she

actually said was,

"Have you considered suicide?"

(audience laughing)

I said, "I didn't even

know that was an option."

(audience laughing)

I can see three possible

treatments Mr. Veitch,

there is psychodynamic therapy,

there is of course medication,

or and I know this may

sound unconventional,

you could just end it all.

(audience laughing)

I went to see a

therapist a while ago,

and they gave me, I wanted

to just speak to a person,

but again they gave me

this form to fill in.

They said "You can't see

someone until you filled in

the Adult Intake

Assessment form."

And I was like "Can I not

just speak to someone,

and then I'll fill in the

form if I need therapy."

And they said, "No, no, you

have to fill in the form."

So I went to the waiting room,

and I filled in the Adult

Intake Assessment form.

The first question was,

"What do you consider to

be the top three stresses

in your life?"

And number one, right up there,

was obviously Adult

Intake Assessment forms.

(audience laughing)

Really, you know,

and then the second, of

course would be followed

by the formal

classification of ineffable

and principally

subjective thoughts,

for the purpose of generalized

psychometric analysis.

(audience laughing)

Airport security.

(audience laughing)

And then I went back

to the reception area

and I said, "Look, I

filled your form."

And she said, "No,

no turn the page."

And there was another one.

There was another one.

This one was a

multiple choice form,

and I was like "Can I not?"

They said, "No you have to

fill in that form as well."

I was like all right.

This was a multiple choice form,

and the first question

was "How often do you

misplace things at home?"

And I said "Often."

And then they said "How

often do you have difficulty

getting things in order?"

And I said well "rarely",

but then I realized I'd had

some difficulty and actually

got these in the wrong...

(audience laughing)

"How often do you make

careless mistakes when you have

to work on a boring

or difficult project?"

And I said absolutely "Never".

(audience laughing)

I was having a great time.

"How often do you find yourself

unable to make decisions?"

I spent a long time

thinking about this one.

(audience laughing)

I said, "Sometimes."

But then I realized

I don't know.

"When you're in a

conversation,

how often do you find yourself

finishing the sentences

of the..."

I was like "literally

all the time."

(audience laughing)

Got in to see the therapist.

It was great fun,

'cause you get to

answer all the fun ones

like she was saying to me,

she was just asking

me all of these...

She would say, "Do

you ever not listen

to the question

that was asked?"

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry what?"

Best question was the last one.

She said "I'm so sorry James,

I have to ask you this,

"Do you ever hear voices?"

And I went like this, I went,

(audience laughing)

"No."

(audience clapping)

You know in your passports,

you have like emergency contact.

That's a British passport,

but your American passport,

you'll have emergency

contacts in them.

Has anyone filled those in?

Has anyone filled

in the emergency?

Yeah who have you put in?

- [Woman] My dad.

- Your dad.

Anyone else? Yeah

who have you put in?

- [Woman] Mom and dad.

- It'd be cool if you

put in her dad.

(audience laughing)

It'd be really weird.

Anyone else?

One over here.

Who have you put in?

- [Woman] My sister.

- Your sister.

I just put Matthew McConaughey.

(audience laughing)

I don't know him.

He doesn't know me,

but I think if

there's an emergency,

he'll know what to do.

(audience laughing)

I was, I spelled

Beverly Hills wrong.

(audience laughing)

I apologize for that.

I carry this passport

everywhere I go.

Which means that if

something happens to me,

Matthew McConaughey

is gonna have to be

the one who relays the

information to my family.

(audience laughing)

Which means it's gonna be

double edge isn't really,

'cause my mom's gonna be

like well something terrible

happened to James,

but guess who told me?

(audience laughing)

I put him on everything.

I'm like I put him on

every, all the thing,

I just put him on all these

different, Matthew McConaughey.

Every time, I just put him.

Here's what I think

should happen.

I want everyone,

because who's not put anyone in

the emergency contact

in their passport?

Go home, pull it out,

put McConaughey in.

(audience laughing)

Guys if I get enough, if we

get enough people to do this,

we can change his entire career.

(audience laughing)

Wouldn't that be amazing?

We could change his entire...

If enough people do it,

imagine if I get like

40, 50 million people

to put Matthew McConaughey in

as the emergency contact.

Eventually, the passport people,

they'd just start printing it.

Yeah but if would

enough people do,

we may as well just

print it in there,

so you get McConaughey

and one more.

(audience laughing)

Someone filled in the

second emergency contact?

No?

I just put McConaughey in again.

(audience laughing)

I put his, use his Austin,

I found his actual

cell phone number.

I haven't called it, but I

think it's gonna be amazing

'cause they're gonna go like,

this is ridiculous we can't get

a hold of Matthew McConaughey,

who's next?

Keep trying.

(audience laughing)

So I got a few scams for you.

So basically the best scams,

the best ones to have fun

with are the ones that pretend

to come friends of yours,

because you can just say

anything you want to.

You can set traps.

I got one from my

friend Catherine,

or reporting to be from

her. It said, "Dear James,

Our journey has turned sour."

Classic Catherine.

(audience laughing)

"We misplaced our wallet,

passport, and cell phone.

I will indeed be grateful

if I can get a loan of

1,800 euro from you."

And I say, "Catherine

of course I can help?

Is everything okay?

How's Keith doing?"

(audience laughing)

So "James, I'm so

glad you replied back.

Are you heading?"

It was always Western Union.

I said, "Of course.

Don't worry!

How's Keith though?"

He said, "James, Keith

is fine. He's having now

with the British embassy to

get replacement passports."

So quick thinking.

"Please go to Western Union."

I said, "I'll pop along

first thing tomorrow."

I must say though,

Keith seems remarkably

capable...

(audience laughing)

I remember he could roll over,

he could woof for a treat,

now he's taking meetings

at the British embassy?"

(staticky)

Photography for me

is not just a job.

It's a way of life.

I mean it's not my job,

but it's also a way of life.

It's a way of

looking at the world,

and just seeing what's there,

and that's why I use my

QuickTake 100 for all my shots.

James Veitch, Photographer.

♪ To be so hallow ♪

♪ To be like nobody else love ♪

♪ That's how I love you more ♪

(clicking)

♪ Beyond the midnight ♪

♪ Beyond the words that

I thought were so wise ♪

♪ Beyond the reason why ♪

♪ No I don't have an answer ♪

♪ I only know I'm with you ♪

(staticky)

When I was replying

to scam emails,

I learned to spot all the

different types of scams

like you've all heard

of the Nigerian prince,

but you might not have heard

of the altruistic widow,

or the cash of gold a

soldier finds in a rock.

Those are equally

ubiquitous scams,

but the hardest ones for me

to deal with being single,

were the honey traps,

because beautiful girls would

email me out of the blue,

and they'd be like "I love you."

And I'd be like, "I genuinely

wish this would be the case."

(audience laughing)

And they were

really well written,

well three dimensional

characters.

Elena, oh she was amazing.

Elena said, "I am

a girl who loves

to give people

happiness always."

Which is amazing,

'cause that's exactly the sort

of girl I was looking for.

(audience laughing)

"My hobbies are reading novels,

jogging, listening to music,

cooking, listen to

music, TV and movies."

I said, "That's amazing,

my hobbies are playing

piano and guitar,

pining of girls, worrying

about climate change,

pining for girls, and the

poetry of John Keats."

(audience laughing)

She sent me a picture of her.

She was really beau--, look at

that, she's so beautiful.

That was genuinely. That was

the picture and I was like wow,

she's, I said that's "Amazing!"

Obviously.

(audience laughing)

Then she meant, she

said, "This is me,

and my passport."

I know, I was like, well okay

what do we, ya know...

What are we doing?

She said "All men look

on my visual aspect,

and I want somebody who

will look inside me."

Grow up.

(audience laughing)

(audience laughing)

I said, "I'm so sorry

you haven't found anyone

to look inside you yet."

(audience laughing)

Here's something

interesting right.

She's trying to scam me,

but I'm also kind of

trying to scam her.

I'm trying to pretend

to be the person

who I think she wants me to be.

Because basically I was

getting loads of material

out of this.

So I was like wanting

to keep it going,

and I thought who is

Elena's ideal mark?

Who does she wanna scam?

So I said this,

I said, "I've made

a lot of money,

but I don't have

anyone to spend it on.

It just sits in a Swiss

account earning interest.

How boring.

(audience laughing)

Don't go thinking I'm some

sort of business mogul,

I'm not.

I just made a few shrewd

investments along the way."

(audience laughing)

It's basically, it's basically,

the reason is

always so misguided,

because basically when I was

writing to all the scammers,

my desk was in my kitchen.

So they were like "What

should we invest in?"

I was like I don't

know, oh hummus.

That's why it's always

a toaster, and the kettle,

and the microwave.

But it's gotten a

bit out of hand.

One of these went a bit viral

and then someone

messaged me last year.

They screen shotted the chat

that they had with a scammer,

where they said to the scammer,

"What should we invest in?"

And the scammer said, "Hummus."

(audience laughing)

What the fuck is going on?

(audience laughing)

Maybe high priority,

guys potentially this same

show is going on in Nigeria,

just the other side of it.

(audience laughing)

"I wish I has someone to

share my life and wealth with.

Someone to keep me from those

bi-weekly money bonfires

I have in the garden

for tax purposes."

(audience laughing)

She said, "I believe you

are very attractive man.

(audience laughing)

I'm excited and my head

is like any big station

with a lot of voice!"

"How long...?"

She sent me a picture

of herself right.

This is another

picture she sent me.

She sent me a picture of her

holding a piece of paper,

and on that piece

of paper is written,

my email address,

which I've since

had to to redact,

because of all of you

mother fuckers sending me,

sending emails

saying "Hey KitKat,

how about some hummus?"

(audience laughing)

I can't cope with it anymore.

(audience laughing)

All right, it would seem that

that's proof that it's her.

That she's the one

sending the emails,

but no it's not.

What's happened basically

is it got probably a guy

who's taken a series of

pictures of a beautiful girl.

One of her in a shop, another of

her holding a passport for you,

of which I have not shown you,

and then one of her holding

up a blank piece of paper.

And then every time he

wants to scam someone,

he just uses Photoshop to

put their email address

on the piece of paper.

And that's when I

realized something.

I realized I have a copy

of Photoshop as well.

(audience laughing)

So I popped it in there,

and I sent her this.

I said, "Hi Elena, really

good to hear from you.

Using the piece of

paper to communicate.

Superb idea."

And I didn't hear

anything from her,

so I thought I'd just,

I was like okay well let's make.

(audience laughing)

And I didn't hear anything back,

so I went thermal nuclear,

and I sent her like,

"Ah...".

She is Russian, so

it makes sense even.

(audience laughing)

I've no real way of beginning

this apart from saying

that I think it was just

because I was bored.

But I put a flux capacitor

for sale on Craigslist.

(audience laughing)

Do you know,

it's from the "Back

to the Future" movies.

If you have one of these,

you can travel back

and forth in time.

(audience laughing)

And I put one up for sale.

I said, "I discovered I had

an extra one after a fuck-up

in the space time continuum

that now means I have two

of everything."

Now I put it up for

sale. This, this took a...

I do these things.

I just pop 'em out there,

and I just see if some,

and then eventually, basically,

I just waited to see if someone,

and eventually I did reply.

A guy called Joe Lawson

replied, he said,

"So I can use this to go

back to the future right?"

Question mark, question

mark, smiley face.

And I said, "You

certainly can, Joe!"

But crucially, I now

had Joe's email address.

(audience laughing)

Which is not a strong

position for him to be in.

(audience laughing)

Anyway, because it

was a flux capacitor,

because it was a time machine.

What I then did, is

I went to gmail.com

and I set up another

email address.

This time for

futurejoelawson@gmail.com.

(audience laughing)

Some of you can you see

the future of this bit.

(audience laughing)

I then sent Joe an email

from himself,

(audience laughing)

from the future.

(audience laughing)

"Dear Joe Lawson,

This is Future Joe Lawson.

I've come to warn you, do

not buy the flux capacitor."

Trust me on this,

it's a bad idea.

Yours sincerely,

Future Joe."

That's obviously not great news.

So I wanted to give

him a stock tip.

So I said obviously.

(audience clapping)

"Who is this?"

I said, "It's you, Joe.

30 years from now.

It's mostly the same.

Except now you're

big into hummus."

(audience laughing)

oh, (James laughing), ah.

"Enjoy those heady

days of abbrevs."

"Haha, okay.

You're the guy from Craigslist."

(audience laughing)

We got there in the end.

"Good one, but

you've gone too far."

(audience laughing)

I didn't think I

had gone too far.

So what I then did,

because it's a time

travel machine,

is I went to gmail.com again,

and I made another

email address.

This time for

futurefuturejoelawson.

I then sent Joe an email from

the future of the future,

copying in Future Joe Lawson.

(audience clapping)

"I am Future Future Joe Lawson."

This is what I fucking

love about my audience.

They love a good fun joke.

Do you know what I mean?

If you don't love

a good fun joke,

I don't wanna have

anything to do with you.

(audience laughing)

"I am from a future far

beyond Future Joe's.

I just wanted to

chime in and say

that you can safely

purchase the flux capacitor.

It all works out in the end.

Hummus still good."

(audience laughing)

But Future Joe, was not happy.

(audience laughing)

He replied to all.

(audience laughing)

"Why should Joe Lawson

and I, Future Joe Lawson,

trust you?"

(audience laughing)

Future Future Joe

was even less happy.

He said, "You are not

Future Joe Lawson.

You are both past Joe Lawson."

"Okay stop emailing me."

(audience laughing)

I'm gonna be very

honest with you.

I'd forgotten about him.

(audience laughing)

I was just having a great,

I was like oh shit,

he's still here.

You know what I mean.

I was having the greatest time.

"Please fuck off."

(audience laughing)

Future Future Joe was like well,

"Joseph, this probably isn't

super helpful to point out,

but you did just tell

yourself to fuck off."

I mean if you think about it

actually you know what I mean.

Like you know.

(audience laughing)

- He said "Joe,

I've had an idea.

I'm gonna use the Flux

Capacitor to go forward in time,

and workout whether a Future

Future Joe can be trusted."

"I'm at work."

(audience laughing)

I started so I

couldn't just stop.

Do you know what I mean?

Future Joe, "I did it Joe,

I've gone further

into the future,

but I can't see Future

Future Joe anywhere.

(gasps)

Holy shit, I just

realized something."

He said to that,

"I actually can't deal

with this right now."

(audience laughing)

"I am Future Future Joe Lawson."

It's a bit, I said, it's

a "bit of a head-fuck,

but there you go."

He said, "I'm blocking you."

So I had to get in quick,

I said 'Your feedback

is really important to me."

(audience laughing)

(audience cheering)

Bye everyone, thanks

so much for coming.

Take care.

(audience cheering)

(upbeat music)

(whooshing)

Can I get your fax number?

Just gonna make a

little note to myself,

like a to do list.

Speak to man on tube.

And now I've actually

done that 'cause you know,

so I can actually

take that one off.

I've seen beauty in the world.

When this guy moves, there'll

be beauty in the world.

The res, the res on this is

like nothing you've ever,

you've ever seen. So hang

on, I'll take one of me now.

Hang on, hold tight.

(clicking)

So I'll send that one to you,

but you just gotta give

me about half an hour.

Um, no I'll fax it.

(clicking)

Sorry just had to

capture that moment.

You can't miss these things.

Do you know what I mean?

Although to be fair, I'm

running out of space.

I've already used

up 16 kilobytes so.

It's not even working.

I don't know why we're.

(staticky)

(soft music)