Original subtitles

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Hillston pitch is in 20 minutes.

Both feet in today, okay, Miles?

You're welcome.

Hillston.

I don't have anything. Just... I need a little more time.

I just need a couple of days.

Just to nail it.

Just a... Just...

Just a couple...

Dan.

You've been a pleasant surprise lately.

You need more time, too?

Ooh.

No, ma'am.

Oh. Thanks, Miles.

Be a pal, pass these out.

Pal, take one, pass it down.

There we go.

Hillston...

- wants us to... - Uh...

... refresh their brand image.

But how about we refresh their...

reality?

Ooh!

Yeah!

It's Dan's party!

Yeah, Jerry.

Hey.

What happened to you, man?

I mean, you used to hide behind interns,

but now you're... you're so you.

I don't know, one day I just decided

to start looking people in the eye and tell 'em,

"Hey,

we're gonna be friends."

And so, now you can just magically sell Pool

on something as ridiculous as those glasses?

Oculi are the balls, dude.

Okay, okay. Hey, hey. You... you really wanna know my secret?

- No. - I went to...

a spa.

Your secret is you paid for a handjob?

No. No, no, no, no. Not that kind, okay? Um...

It was like this cleanse...

full mind,

body, soul.

You have to be recommended by a previous client,

and it's highly exclusive.

Mm. So, how'd you get in?

I know people.

And it is coin, I'm not shitting you.

But ever since then,

I am on fire.

So why are you telling me?

- When one succeeds, we all succeed. - Oh, come... Bullshit.

Okay, look, I get a 10% referral fee.

Plus...

to be honest with you,

I'm not exactly worried about the competition.

Oh.

Ow.

Was that the credenza?

No, it's all right.

I'll be up in a minute.

Hello?

Good morning, Mr. Elliott. This is South Hill Fertility Center

calling to confirm your appointment for today.

All right.

Hi, Hugh.

Let me guess, Mr. Elliott. Another reschedule?

Honey.

We're never gonna be able to make a baby

if you won't keep your first appointment. It's like...

birds and the bees stuff.

It's...

It's so expensive, you know.

Well, then, what else have we been saving for?

I mean... And, you know, your work will pick up.

You know, a sperm analysis is nothing to be ashamed of.

God, could we just...

Let's just talk about it later, all right? I don't...

Let's not ruin a nice morning.

Yeah, I wouldn't want to ruin this nice morning we're having.

Don't know how many more of these nice mornings I can take.

Honey, um...

What?

Where do we keep the light bulbs again?

Uh, I don't know. The laundry room maybe?

Right.

Top Happy.

Uh, yeah. Hi. I'd, uh, like to make an appointment, please?

Fifty thousand dollar.

One-seven-three-zero highway 27,

across from a Curves.

I'm gonna kill Dan.

God, what am I doing?

First time?

Uh-huh.

You?

Six.

Hello?

Hello?

Welcome to Top Happy Spa.

Oh, God.

Cucumber water?

- Was that Tom Brady outside? - Sorry...

client confidentiality is our number-one priority.

You were referred by... ?

Dan Grannam. I work with him.

Ah, yes.

Did he tell you about Top Happy, the process?

No, not really.

Life.

Am I right?

Yeah. What?

The path of life

brings us many troubles:

sadness, fear,

humiliation,

pain,

short telomeres,

bad DNA,

old body, old chemical,

bad life.

Our exclusive process:

rebuild your DNA better than ever.

A better you.

The best you can be.

Okay?

Okay.

That's what I want.

Um, excuse me?

Is there a reason I'm wearing a diaper?

Is this gonna take long?

Just calibrating the equipment.

What are you doing?

Aah.

Aah... Aah!

Aah.

What's that?

What is this?

Make you more comfortable.

I feel like I'm...

- Okay. - Aromatherapy thing, I think?

What?

What is...

What's that?

What?

Everything okay?

Huh?

Is it okay?

A unicorn.

Huh?

What kind of farm doesn't have a clothesline?

Miles?

What are you doing, you dumb shit?

Let's see if this thing worked.

Hi.

I'm Miles.

And we're gonna be friends.

What time do you have to be at work in the morning?

I don't know, the usual.

Do you want any water from the fridge? I need to hydrate.

No, it's okay, I'm just trying to sleep.

Miles, is that the credenza?

Are you okay? Do I need to come down?

No, no, it's fine.

I'm putting this down.

Okay?

It's okay.

It's okay.

- What are you? - I don't want any trouble.

I don't know what's happening.

I would just like you to leave my house, please.

You leave this house.

In fact, what are you even doing here?

I live here.

I live here. I live here!

- Take it easy. Take it easy. - What's happening?

- What's happening? - No.

That's what I'd like to know.

That's what I'd like to know.

- That's what I'd like to know. - The only thing I know

is that I was upstairs with my wife.

Hold on. Your wife?

And now I'm being attacked by someone who looks like me...

in a diaper.

Well, all I know...

is that I went to a spa.

I woke up in a grave...

and then, I walked barefoot

for six hours

to...

find whatever the fuck you are upstairs with my wife.

I woke up in a spa,

but then I went to work,

came home,

and now this.

The spa.

Let's go.

You might want to put on some clothes.

- Yeah. - You can borrow

some of mine in the laundry room.

There are shoes by the front door.

I know.

I'm just gonna leave Kate a note.

Okay.

Okay, tell me this.

Four years old, co-op, pre-K.

I'm drinking lemonade, waiting for my mom to pick me up. What happened?

Huh? Uh-huh. See?

A bee stung me on the eyebrow.

It felt like a hot needle.

Seventh grade.

Lake Valley overnight, seven minutes in heaven.

I couldn't undo the bra strap of...

- Oh, uh... - She told the whole school about it.

I know, I know. I know she did. What, um...

Uh...

Hair color?

- Blonde. - Right. Yeah, yeah. Um...

- First initial. - E.

First initial last name.

E... Oh, God.

- Yeah. See, not so easy, is it? - Okay. No, no, I... I know it. It's um...

- It's, uh, Ellen. - Ellen. Ellen.

- Ellen, uh... Ellen, um... - What?

- Hall something, right? - Halter?

Halter. Halter.

- Halther. - Ellen Halther.

Ellen Halther.

Yeah. Always looked at you like she hated you.

God, I know. She had that uptight preppy thing going on, right?

- Yeah. - Ellen Halther.

- Yes. - When was the last time you...

- thought of... - Yeah. Yeah.

Come on.

If you're that desperate, I'll give you a tug job.

- Fuck off. - Sir...

please.

Uh-oh.

Mr. Elliott.

Mr. Elliott.

This is a new process.

Very difficult.

People are not ready for this.

Reproductive cloning is still illegal in 187 countries.

- Cloning? - Ultrarapid cloning

plus micro-synaptic memory transfer.

Wait a minute. You...

You cloned me?

There you go. You hit the nail right on the head.

Well, what were you planning on doing with the original me?

- The me-me. - In a better society,

we wouldn't have to do it this way.

- What way? - Ideally we grind then dissolve in acid solution,

but we had maintenance problems.

The difficulties of getting parts from Korea, you wouldn't believe.

So, for now, we bury the de-activees in the state forest.

Upside, no entry fees.

- Pretty good deal. - I'm sorry.

- You... tried to murder me. - Please.

We are very upset about this.

You are the first to survive the deactivation.

Bad gas.

Hold up. Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey!

You... You were just gonna kill me?

No. We'd harvest your organ first.

Kidding.

Better check your liver, right?

So true.

Laughter is the spice of life.

So, you are kidding?

Harvesting organ, yes.

Cloning, murder, no.

We offer our sincere apologies.

Well, I'm sorry, but you know what?

Somehow that seems a little insufficient.

I mean, at the minimum...

the minimum,

I should get a refund.

- Sorry, no refunds. Corporate policy. - Hey!

Are you gonna add anything to this, huh? Are you just gonna sit there?

This isn't real, right? I mean, this is some kind of trick.

No.

So, who's the clone?

You.

All right, little detail you might have noticed.

There's two of us, but there is one home, there's one car, one life.

So, what do you suggest we do?

Okay, here's what we can do.

Ten percent discount.

- That's it? - No, there's more.

Twenty percent, if you refer new customer.

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