Original subtitles

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com

You can spin it, as quick as you can,

and then you can see all the different colors like that.

It's really clever.

You didn't borrow my memory stick did you?

It's got a picture of a vagina on it.

Printed on the actual pic or as a JPEG?

Both.

And it's yours?

The stick belongs to me but it's not my vagina.

What does it look like?

My vagina?

Sorry, do you think terrorists

just sit around chatting all day?

Get back to work.

I bet some of them do.

You'd go mad otherwise wouldn't you?

Suicidal.

[DRAMATIC MUSIC]

[EXPLOSION]

Do you want a biscuit or anything Tula?

- Mary, do you want a biscuit? - No.

They give you migraines?

Okay, right, I need a full update from all of you.

As you heard just now, we have Jerry Bernstein

from the NSA arriving shortly.

Oh my God, Jerry Bernstein's gonna be working with us?

And he is going to be our NSA liaison.

If you must speak to the Americans

you'll now go through him.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Absolutely not, I'm a huge, huge fan.

He and I had a lot of email back and forth on 9/11.

He's a terrorist?

No, Whitehall created the position

as part of our shared intelligence initiative.

Aside from providing a link to American resources

I'm told he has a wealth of experience.

Should I book Pizza Express in that case?

I suspect he'll be too jet-lagged.

I don't mind.

Sorry, so will he be here long then?

Yes, providing he plays by the rules.

["SHARP DRESSED MAN" BY ZZ TOP]

All right mate, excuse me.

Mary, where are we with last week's cryptanalysis?

Can you stop doing that please?

Sorry the pages are a bit ripped, it was my cat.

I'm worried he might have caught Huntington's disease.

- You're born with Huntington's disease. - No I wasn't.

It does not matter.

No, I've heard it's really serious.

Tuva, did you manage to hack the Scorpio server?

All the names and IP addresses,

plus recordings of their voicemails.

That's really good, Tuva.

Some of this is incredibly filthy.

Thank you.

Oh I love that kind of stuff.

I can't take it.

- You know you're not meant to eat it... - Latest systems update.

Joseph, go.

Now? Okay.

So all our main systems seem to be running absolutely fine.

We've still got a fair bit of chatter

to analyze from yesterday morning,

about 25% of that left to do.

Also, I did end up stumbling across

Matthew McConaughey's browsing history.

Why is GSHQ's center for cyber security

looking at Matthew McConaughey's browsing history?

I suspected just a glitch in the system,

but I just thought I'd follow it up just in case.

Do you not want to know what he's been looking at?

Is it in the interest of national security?

Not really no, it's lawn mowers, mainly. Big ones.

Ooh.

Also we just lost our primary drone

over the Iranian border.

Jesus Christ.

I know, and to add insult to injury

the level three printer's stopped working.

Oh no.

[PHONES CHIMING]

Ooh, database breach.

Bank of England.

[CHRISTINE] I've really gotta change that.

How do you get yours to just beep?

[TUVA] It's just set on beep.

[JOSEPH] I think this must be Elaine.

She walked down the aisle today.

Sorry, sorry, sorry.

Quick as you like.

♪ Aserejé ja deje tejebe tude jebere ♪

♪ Sebiunouba majabi an de bugui an de buididipí ♪

♪ Aserejé ja deje tejebe tude jebere ♪

♪ Sebiunouba majabi an de bugui an de buididipí ♪

♪ Aserejé ja ♪

Can you grab my luggage or do I need to do that too?

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello? Oh yeah, yeah yeah yeah.

No I'll come down. Yes!

Jerry's here.

Jerry's here.

Hey, Jerry.

Hi.

Joseph Harries.

So great to finally meet you.

Hey.

Sorry, do we know each other?

Oh yeah I'm the one who used to send the NSA,

all the weekly cyber memos.

No way, I thought that was spam.

No, it was me.

Right, what was your name again?

Joseph Harries.

Right, John, do you mind me asking,

do you have dwarfism in your family?

I don't think, no.

- Okay, well you should check. - Okay.

- Can you give me a hand? - Yes, absolutely.

Right, here we go, we're just up on the third floor.

Oh, oh no, don't use the wheels.

It's quite an expensive case. Can you carry it in?

I won't be long.

Yeah, okay.

Oh my God.

[FEMALE] Hello?

Hi, mom!

Evelyn.

Evelyn!

[PHONE RINGS]

Hello?

Yeah did you want me?

Yes, can you come up please?

Oh my God.

- What? - Could you not hear me shouting?

- I was on the phone. - Yes, to me!

Get me a full background check on Jerry Bernstein,

I need to see his file.

It's classified.

If only there were an institution that cracked codes

to access classified information.

So where's that?

Okay, shall we go through?

Oh hey Jerry, sorry, they've just told us

- to wait here for a sec. - Why?

It's just a security thing, won't be long.

What, because you're...

Oh no, it's not that, it's just they need to

check inside the case.

Because they think it's yours?

No, no, standard procedure, this happens all the time.

Right, because you're...

Evelyn's here and that's where I sit,

and I'm just over there.

And Jerry, this is Chris Cranfield,

Director of cybersecurity at GCHQ.

- Ah! - No way.

I was expecting a guy.

Jerry Bernstein, NSA.

Do you prefer Chris or Christopher?

It's Christine actually.

Right. These are for you and the team.

[JOSEPH] Oh lovely.

So, what have we got going down?

You wanna give me like a two word summary of where we're at?

No.

Why don't you just settle in, we can catch up later.

Joseph, will you show Jerry to his office?

[JOSEPH] Yeah sure. Hold the phone.

So what OS are we using here?

Is this Lysander 4.4?

4.5.

Nice.

This is Tuva Olson.

Used to be one of Europe's most notorious hackers.

Still am.

That was a joke.

Man I love humor.

- Jerry Bernstein, NSA. - Bernstein?

Is that Jewish?

Wouldn't you like to know.

Flirt.

Mary, come over and say hello to Jerry.

Quickly.

God, what happened?

Nothing.

What do you mean?

This is Mary Needham, one of GCHQ's finest.

Finest what?

Cryptanalysts.

Mary was one of the first female professors

to be nominated for a Nobel Prize.

Wow. Did you win?

No, and I earned up getting cystitis on the day, sadly.

I think it was all the stress.

Great story.

Can we get the air-con turned on?

It feels about 74 degrees and I find my team

works best at 71.

- Yeah I can do that... - [CHRISTINE] No!

Sit down please, Joseph.

Yeah I need you to take notes. Please stay.

All right everyone, listen up.

I am now your best possible resource.

I'm here for you, so I want you to use me,

exploit me, punish me.

I wanna feel as if I've been uploaded

into each and every one of you.

Even you guys.

What are you doing?

I'm just welcoming everyone.

Can we get them to stop?

No, we're in the middle of something,

Bank of England, no American liaison required, sadly.

Okay, listen, I just wanna say,

I'm really excited about this.

I think we can learn a lot from each other.

Especially from me.

It'll be a pleasure collaborating

with one of our oldest and closest allies.

Welcome to the GCHQ.

Thank you.

Back to work everyone.

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

[CHRISTINE] Good morning.

Hey, do you like the plants?

You know they'll die in three days.

Oh no it's fine, I sprayed them with glue

so they're kind of mummified.

By the way, where are HR based?

I really need to get hold of my pass.

Fourth floor, but most of them are on school holidays.

They're still at school?

[SIGHS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Two secs.

Hey Jerry, you all right?

Yeah, do you know what this stain is?

I can't hear you through the glass.

[JERRY] Do you know what this stain is?

I can't hear you 'cause of the glass.

Yeah.

Sorry, sorry Jerry.

I couldn't hear 'cause of the glass.

That's fine. What is this stain?

Um, oh gosh, well this used to be Elaine's old office.

It could be anything really.

What, she die in here?

No, she's on maternity leave, so could just be that.

Oh God.

You know what, let's just...

Yeah let's do that.

Hey, can you hook me up with my pass?

I really need the men's room.

Well that's HR but it takes up to about a week

for them to respond, so.

No, I gotta go before then.

Oh it's fine, I can buzz you through.

- Now? - Yeah, go go.

Nice opportunity to show you around.

Are you staying somewhere locally in Cheltenham?

Yeah the Citrus Hotel.

Oh lovely, I went to a couple of wakes there.

The food is stunning.

Very quickly, so this is one of our designated quiet rooms,

just because some of the stuff we see on the web

can be quite full on.

And can I pee in here?

Um, no, not really, no.

I sometimes do.

You forget how big this place is don't you?

Sorry, they must have changed the door code.

This way.

What's this thing?

Okay not far Jerry, here we go.

So...

Do it again, swipe again.

Swipe it again!

Okay okay okay.

Oh crikey, it's fine, it's fine.

Let me just type this in onto here.

Jerry, can you just, sorry,

can you just read me from the fourth...

From the what?

- From the fourth? - The four.

There's no four. You mean the one?

The four, oh the one.

The one is one, nine, two, seven.

- Okay, that should be it. - [DING]

There you go.

[BUZZER]

[GROANS]

I'm so sorry. Come on.

We have a something just in case,

it doesn't always work.

Why didn't you do that to begin with?

Because I've been eating crisps

and it doesn't always work.

- Back up, back up. - [BUZZER]

Give me your thumb.

What's wrong, you have very small...

Ow. Okay there you go.

- Okay. - Okay fine.

Oh for crying out loud.

Let me just do the, I'll do the retina thing, it's fine.

[JERRY] Come on man, you're killing me.

Why is that doing like that?

Hang on, hang on.

So I've got a lazy eye so sometimes if I...

Can you lift... [BUZZER]

Thank you.

Go, go!

This way, go go go go.

[SCREAMS]

[CLEARS THROAT]

Yeah, USA.

'Cause his eyes are quite close together

and I know he has a cousin who was involved

with some kind of atrocity.

[CHRISTINE] What's?

Oh sorry Chris, I am gonna delete that.

I don't care. I just want hard copies of the Bank of England report.

Yeah it's just the printer's still not working,

- so I can't... - [EVELYN] Jerry's file.

Shh.

What's this?

Well I couldn't get access to view his internal file

so I just like made a front cover.

Here I am.

Found my way back.

Hey Jerry.

Hey, Chris, I worked out what the problem is here.

The problem is morale.

Right, thank you.

So firstly, you really need to put some music on.

'Cause everyone in here currently looks so...

Do you have Alexa here?

Alexa, play NSA nasty mix two.

Alexa?

Alexa?

Secondly, we need to fundraise and build us a gym.

Yes!

Get the endorphins pumping.

Thirdly, is there any way we can make it

so I can see the sun?

Okay, let me stop you just there.

Firstly, I am not your PA,

I am GCHQ's director of cybersecurity.

Grand papa built the bouncing bomb.

Mother posed as a triple agent during the Cold War,

while father came up with an idea called the Internet.

So forgive me if I'm not into

office plants and natural light.

Secondly, this isn't the NSA.

You are here strictly to liaise.

We don't workout, we don't listen to playlists,

we fight cyber crime, terrorism and sex trafficking.

Thirdly, this is my department, these are my staff,

and whilst it's a pleasure collaborating with

one of our oldest and closest allies,

I will not have my authority undermined

simply because some privileged fool from Whitehall

thinks that the US can fight cyber crime better than we can.

Do you mind if I get on?

Sorry, it looks like you've stopped talking.

My ears are still fucked from the flight,

was that important?

[UPBEAT MUSIC]

Are you really gonna take that from her?

Huh? Huh?

You little bitch.

Evelyn.

I'm delivering our findings on the Bank of England.

Have the car meet me out front.

Okay don't forget you've got a Bank of England meeting.

Do you want me to arrange a car?

Come on buddy, you got this.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Yeah?

Jerry, I'm so sorry about what Chris said earlier,

you must be feeling awful.

Do you know how long I've been at the NSA?

I'd say 50 years?

25 years. Sit down.

Oh, sure.

Do you know the level of experience you get

- from working at the NSA 25 years? - Nope.

I basically know everything.

Okay?

I've overseen terrorist plots, cyber attacks,

- assassination attempts. - Against you?

Just remain quiet a sec.

Yeah.

I predicted 9/11, Afghanistan, 7/7.

And when you say predicted.

You mean could I have stopped those things from happening?

- [JERRY] Yeah. - I think so.

- Wow. - But was anyone willing to listen?

No.

It's always the same old bullshit.

Slow down Jerry, analyze.

There's no evidence.

[JERRY] Yes.

Whatever happened to good old fashioned American hunch?

See this is exactly what we're missing here.

So did you have a hunch about 9/11?

Yeah, just this huge fucking hunch.

And then another big hunch moments later.

Oh, so you've seen a lot of action then.

Have I seen action?

You know what, look at this.

Oh you're gonna love this.

Come here, come here.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- Look at that. - Oh my God.

Touch it.

- Oh no I don't... - Touch it!

Touch it.

44 caliber, went clean through.

Wow.

It looks exactly like the lipoma scar that I got

from when I had a little thing removed.

Like the same shape and everything that.

Well it's not.

That's the same shape actually 'cause they do it...

No it's no, it's not.

It's a bullet thing.

- Is there an exit wound? - No.

- Can I... - No.

That part healed fine.

You can't even tell.

So what are you doing here then?

- Is it like a sabbatical position? - Yeah kind of.

Man, you guys.

You have no idea how lucky you are to have me.

Oh, tell me about it.

I mean literally this is the best thing

that ever happened to me.

I mean I could've ended up in Paris, Milan, New York,

- but I chose London. - Cheltenham.

Cheltenham.

But there's no point in me being here

unless I can make a difference.

I agree with that.

I mean sure, I could liaise the ass out of this place

if I want to, but I wanna raise morale.

I wanna raise morale so high people can barely move.

You know what I mean?

I think, yes.

I want people having to go home from work

because morale is so high.

Well everyone's gonna love that.

But I'm gonna need your help, buddy.

Honestly, whatever you need Jerry, just name it.

Treat me like your PA.

I thought you were my PA.

All right now gather up guys.

Come on come on come on.

Circle up, circle up.

You know what, you too.

You're part of the team, drop that shit.

In fact everyone, everyone, stand,

come gather round, this is important.

That's it.

Hustle, hustle.

- Back up. - Sorry.

Good. Oh, look at that, we did a circle.

Terrific. Okay.

One of the first things that struck me

when I arrived here was just how uninspired everyone looks.

Don't get me wrong, individually you all look...

amazing.

But there's still this sense that I've wandered

onto an abandoned farm.

Does that resonate?

So what I'd like to propose as a starting point

are some team building exercises.

- I'd love to. - Yeah.

Yeah? Yeah?

- Yes. - Can I get a yes Jerry?

[ALL] Yes Jerry.

All right, we'll work on that.

Hands out of the pockets.

Let's get ready. Ready?

[ALL] Yes.

Jerry says raise your right arm.

Put it down.

You're all out.

- You're all out. - [PEOPLE GROANING]

Okay, everyone take one step to their right.

Good.

Jerry says take one step to your left.

- Yeah I fucked you there didn't I? - [MARY] Yes.

Yeah it's called listening.

When I clap my hands everyone fall, fall!

That's a start.

Okay everyone up, everyone up.

Anyone hurt?

That's okay.

It's about trust.

At the count of three I want everyone to undress.

Undress!

I'm kidding, stop that.

Have more respect for yourself.

So continue what you're doing,

exploring each other's faces and bodies,

and what I wanna do now is just go around

and talk about when you last had sex.

It's just a nice way to get to know each other

and to open up.

Plus, it's what we do at the NSA every day.

- Have sex? - Sometimes.

What about you buddy?

Oh gosh, well it depends what you mean really.

You've never heard of sex?

Oh no I've heard of sex, sure,

I just, you know.

Sorry, where are you?

[JERRY] Mary, do you want to start?

Oh gosh, ooh.

It's been a while, sorry.

No I could tell, I can smell your pheromones.

Thank you.

I bet you're filthy though.

No.

I love how you deny it, that's hot.

Tuva.

10:15 this morning.

Weren't you in at eight?

- Yeah. - [CHRISTINE] What the hell's going on?

Chris, great, jump in.

We're just doing some team building here.

No, get back to work everybody.

This is ridiculous.

No honestly, Chrissy, I wouldn't be doing this

unless I thought it was absolutely essential.

Plus, look how much fun everyone's having.

We're not here to have fun.

This is GCHQ.

Do you think Alan Turing had fun?

Okay, back to work everybody.

No, not yet.

Listen, I get it, you didn't choose to have some

dashing American fuck fox in your prissy British hen house.

I didn't want that either, but I'm sure we can make it work.

Come on, at least have a jellybean.

Absolutely not.

Aren't we meant to be collaborating?

- Huh team? - [ALL] Yes Jerry!

Do you really want your staff to see you like this?

[ALL] Jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean,

jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean,

jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean,

jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean, jelly bean,

- jelly bean... - All right!

Yes!

[CLAPPING]

And Jerry says fall.

[JOSEPH] Jerry's got the printer working again!

[CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

See, this is why they sent me here.

Good night.

Night.

♪ Hurray hurray hurray ♪

♪ Misery's on the way ♪

♪ There are bad times just around the corner ♪

♪ There are dark clouds hurtling through the sky ♪

♪ It's as clear as crystal ♪

♪ From Bridlington to Bristol ♪

♪ That we can't save democracy and we don't much care ♪

♪ We better all learn the lyrics of the old Red Flag ♪

♪ But wait till we drop down dead ♪

Sync & corrections by Costa Dax www.addic7ed.com