Original subtitles

Niles Evelyn Caulder.

What the devil are you doing out? Don't you know there's a ripper about?

Yes, sir.

There's no one to fleece tonight anyway, you little tea leaf.

Go on. Get going home. Or by Christ, I'll have you.

Yes, sir.

Curious.

Are you the Ripper, sir?

Are you?

Okay, Papa.

You can open them now.

French toast.

- Did you make this? - Rita taught me.

That was very good of her.

It's about all I'm good for. Cooking lessons.

Taste it. Taste it!

Okay.

Mmm!

It's wonderful!

It's...

- It's really delicious! - - Do you really mean it, Papa?

I really do, darling.

- Good morning, Cliff. - - Something's wrong with my hand.

The fingers are all slow.

I'll look at it as soon as I finish my very special breakfast.

Too

fucking

slow.

Rita, Dorothy, would you give us a minute, please?

Come, Dorothy. Let's go water the plants.

How about when my 11-year-old daughter is in the room,

we take the swearing down a notch?

No problem.

Does she know sign language?

When you're ready to confront this anger, Cliff,

I'll be there for you.

Pretty sure I'm confronting my anger right now, Chief.

And it feels fucking good.

Till then, I suggest you go away

- and do some work on your own. - What the fuck's that supposed to mean?

You were an angry man long before you and I ever met.

An angry husband.

An angry father.

Hey, I was a great fucking father.

I was way better than you.

'Cause my kid didn't grow up to be a monster

who could destroy the entire world.

You call my daughter a "monster" again...

And you'll do what?

Huh? What more could you possibly do to me?

Hey, Jane, you wanna get the fuck out of here?

Fuck, yeah.

Sorry about that.

Let's go back and finish our special breakfast. Mmm?

Why does Cliff hate you so much?

Did you do something wrong?

I did.

I made a very bad mistake.

Lots of mistakes, actually.

Did you apologize?

Many times.

Some wounds can't be healed with pretty words.

This isn't something you need to worry about.

My dear heart,

it's a grown-up problem.

Are those...

Butterflies!

It can't be. Dorothy, no!

Please tell me this is a seasonal migration, and not something freaky.

Oh, God damn it.

What is it, Papa?

I've been invited to a dinner with the divine Red Jack.

"Formal attire preferred."

That looks like Larry's bandages.

This isn't an invitation.

It's a very polite ransom note.

This Red Jack person has Larry?

Why? Who is he?

I'll explain on the way.

Now, it's important you understand what we're up against.

"We"? Oh, no. I'll sit this one out.

- No, Larry needs you. - For Larry's sake.

Please, I will just make things worse.

I have the purple brains spattered on my shoes to prove it.

Red Jack is a merciless being

who feeds on the suffering of others.

I cannot do this alone.

I'm on the fence, and that's your sales pitch?

He lives in an extra dimensional palace

and drops down into our world to refill on fresh pain.

He's committed countless atrocities

under the guises of Jack the Ripper,

- the Monster of Florence... - Larry's in danger. I get it.

- Just please stop talking. - Right. Right.

- If we get separated... - Why would we get separated?

We won't. But if we do,

follow the butterflies.

Oh, God damn it.

Ready?

Oh, fuck! Fuck!

Fuck, fuck, fuck.

He actually had the nerve to tell me, me,

not to swear in front of hisdaughter. Can you believe that shit?

I can hardly believe it.

After he fucked my life in the asshole, and Clara's.

What about my little girl?

She grew up without her fucking father.

I mean, fuck!

Yeah, fuck.

This is what's gonna happen.

I give Clara the giraffe.

We hug it the fuck out. All is forgiven.

And her happiness is gonna fuck Niles Caulder in the fucking face.

Am I right?

Jane?

Jane?

Okay.

Awesome.

Best road dog ever.

Jane.

Thank you for coming.

You d-holes yanked me down here.

So, what gives?

Is this a fucking intervention?

Morning.

Hey.

Where is everyone?

Tuesday morning, nine o'clock, right?

E-mail went out last night. We switched to Wednesdays.

For real? Why didn't I get it?

Because I'm the one who sent it.

And you left me off?

Why?

Hey, whoa.

What's wrong?

We... We barely know each other.

- And? - No...

Now you know.

Wow.

You're beautiful.

Can I touch your chest?

Can you feel that?

Can you feel that?

What about that?

Not sure.

What the fuck is going on?

Help!

No. No, no. No.

Oh, God. No.

No, no. Oh, God.

No, no, no, no.

No!

You must be Larry. Welcome.

Larry Trainor. Rita Farr.

Though you probably recognize her.

Really, Niles.

Come on in, Larry.

There we are.

Now, I'm sorry, but I've lost contact

with a very important research vessel,

and now the search continues.

You'll be in Rita's very good hands,

and I've left something for you in your room.

I hope it'll make you feel more comfortable.

Niles tells me you were an exceptional pilot.

I know a little about flying.

I once played an aviatrix turned spy

in a picture called The Spy Who Could Fly.

So...

My room?

Oh, just up the stairs.

Chief agonized over every detail.

He wanted your room to feel as normal as possible

whilst still being radiation-proof.

He spent months developing a special film for the windows.

Sunlight is very important for one's mood, you know.

So is not being held captive by a shadowy government agency.

Well, you're here now.

What's this?

A gift from the Chief.

Those will contain the radiation.

You'll never have to wear that lousy suit again.

How can that be?

They're as thin as regular bandages.

Have a little faith in Niles

because he rarely explains himself.

But in all my time here, I've learned

there's a method to his madness,

and goodness in his heart.

He truly wants this to be a place where we can heal.

Now, go on. Get out of that suit.

I'm sure it's awfully heavy.

- Are you okay? - I'm fine.

I... I can put it back on.

No, no, no. Please.

This is your home, too.

You should feel comfortable here.

We have to remember, there's nothing to be worried about.

This is no different than any other time Papa's gone out into the world.

He always comes home.

Always.

And sometimes, if we're lucky,

he brings back presents.

- Ooh! - Yes!

"Ooh" indeed.

Now

what shall we do to pass the time?

We could do some drawing.

Or read a story.

Hide-and-go-seek, it is.

One bananana.

Two bananana.

As you guessed, this is an intervention.

Your face is an intervention.

Everyone's here because they care about you, Jane.

And would like to express their feelings

about your behavior.

And if I don't wanna listen?

Okay, let's get this bullshit over with.

"Dear Jane, my most favoritest things to do are to run and sing."

Uh, but when you take drugs,

I'm too sleepy to do either.

It's not fair that we all have to feel sleepy

"just 'cause you feel sad."

Run and sing?

That's all you do.

And the only shitty song you seem to know

is "Roar" by Katy Perry.

If you ask me, I did us all a favor.

Am I right, Driller?

I find the song empowering.

Makes me feel good about being a woman.

There's a larger point here, Jane.

When you use drugs,

you endanger Kay.

Because it dampens all of our abilities to protect her.

"Jane"

I made my peace with your reckless skin,

and haircare regimens long ago.

But what I'm mondo uncool with

is how your recent behavior affects me.

Like when you decided to take your walkabout in the Underground.

That basic robo bitch, Cliff,

"stopped me from marrying my Dougie."

I'm a great fucking father.

Better than that turd with the beard.

This is gonna be great.

This is a big mistake.

Huge. What was I thinking?

Fucking idiot! No!

No!

You're not a coward. You know who is?

Niles-shitting-Caulder. That's who.

Yes?

Hi, uh, you're, um...

Uh, I know you from Bump's wake.

Right, yeah, uh-huh.

Did one of the girls send you here as entertainment?

What? No.

I'm not a clown. I'm your father.

Excuse me?

Okay.

See, some batshit crazy scientist caused our car crash

so he could stick my brain in this piece of shit body.

He told me you were dead all this time.

Then I found out you weren't.

Now, here I am. Okay? We good?

How we do this? You, uh, wanna call me "Dad"?

Or call me "Daddy"? Or, uh...

Oh, shit!

Happy belated birthday?

I'm gonna be a grandpa?

This is amazing.

I'm gonna take that little fucker to RodentLand.

- I could teach him to drive. - I don't what your game is,

but I really don't think it's funny.

What? No.

My watch, I left it on the bar for you.

I won it at the Dallas Speedway back in '76.

I had to stick my hand up this giant alligator named Francis

to get it back.

I...

Can we...

This is really not a good time right now.

I'm expecting a house full of people.

I just drove a thousand miles to see you

and you can't talk to me for five goddamn minutes?

I'm sorry. I can't do this right now.

Fine. I'll fucking wait.

Do you mind if I ask?

Yeah.

Sorry.

So...

Am I the first person...

Girl, please.

I know you ain't trying to say this is my first time.

Okay, relax, Don Juan.

I'm asking if it's the first time since

all this.

Yeah.

I came close with this one girl, but.

I bounced.

But I'm glad I didn't repeat that mistake.

Well...

This was fun.

"Fun"?

I have to...

Come on. It was a little more than that.

Uh, not really.

- Roni? - Ugh.

Can you not ruin this with the whole, "I really like you,

"I think this could be something," conversation,

and just see it for what it is?

Two fucked up people that are trying to forget their shit.

I do really like you.

That'll change. It always does.

- I'm not like other guys. - Ooh.

I've never heard that before.

I'll prove it to you.

- Let me take you out tonight. - Mmm-mmm.

Look, we'll keep it chill.

Have you been to Tino's in Corktown?

They've got a cheesesteak that'll make you feel way better things than I can.

That's a low bar.

Look, just give me one shot.

One shot. That's all I'm asking.

If I say yes, will you get the hell out of my apartment?

See you at 8:00.

"Dear Jane..."

Because you decided to remain in a house with toxic people,

I haven't felt safe enough to do my drilling,

or my billing.

And May is our busiest month.

Those freak hoes that you live with

keep dragging you into trouble,

and every time, you go with them without thinking twice.

I still have nightmares about being inside

that gigantic, evangelical cockroach.

Do you ever think about how your decisions affect the rest of us?

Because it doesn't seem like you do.

"Warmest regards, Driller Bill."

Of course I'm going to fucking help them.

Why?

We're your family, Jane.

And Kay is your responsibility.

Not that other little girl that you think needs taking care of.

- Her name is Dorothy. - Okay.

Dorothy.

You're not saying you consider those people your family, too?

You know, this shit may be cut and dry for you ding-dongs.

But it's not for me.

Life...

Life up there, it's... it's messy,

and confusing.

A long time ago, I would have

bailed as soon as I found out what the Chief did to us.

But I think that those

annoying fuck-ups that I live with are my family.

They may be spineless,

and selfish.

But I know deep down, they all care about me.

Even the Chief.

Until he betrays us again.

Just fuck this pity party!

God...

God damn it, Niles. You said we wouldn't get separated.

It's fine. Everything's fine.

Dr. Caulder.

I am delighted you accepted my invitation.

Where's Larry?

The foul stench of compassion

pollutes the very air around you.

Ah, no matter.

My tutelage shall soon cleanse you of that quickly.

Tutelage? What is it you want from me?

After countless centuries, I'm afraid the pain of loneliness

has become somewhat of a bland potage of my daily consumption.

What I long for now is an equal.

Someone who

revels in harvesting the agony of others as much as I.

I am not your equal.

Of course you're not!

No.

But... by my guiding hand,

within a few short decades, we could perfect your prowess for pain.

I, your master,

and you, my singular apprentice.

- "Decades"? - Oh, yes, Dr. Caulder.

Eternal life.

I don't know what it is you think you see in me,

but you're wasting your time.

Oh, you made quite the impression all those years ago.

I saw something absolutely wondrous

in that little boy from the alley.

Was that before or after you murdered an innocent woman?

Oh, that's just it.

When you came up on that horrific abomination

in the alley, you did not run.

No, you weren't afraid.

You were fascinated.

Oh, I could feel the exhilaration

coursing through your veins.

A man that passionate will go to the greatest of lengths

to satisfy his curiosities.

- No matter the cost. - You're wrong.

Am I?

Tell me,

when you ruined the lives of that pathetic pack of simpletons,

what did their pain taste like?

Dust, and ash.

I did what I had to do to protect someone I love.

But I wouldn't expect a soulless parasite like you to understand that.

Very well.

If you will not be my charge...

You will be my chattel.

Ah! Oh, God.

Why are you doing this to me?

No! Oh, God!

No, please, God!, no!

I'm sorry! Please, stop!

Come in.

I look like Boris Karloff.

You look absolutely stunning.

And the turtleneck, very debonair.

Will you still talk to me if I give you radiation poisoning?

Ugh, pshaw.

If Niles says it's safe for you to walk around like this,

then you have to trust him.

I do.

Thank you.

I never got a chance to tell you what a big fan I am.

Oh?

Yeah, Sweet Desire is one of my favorite films.

When your husband abandons you, and you give that amazing speech

about how you're not worthy of love...

Chills, every time.

Would you believe they almost cast Deborah Kerr instead of me?

What a train wreck that would have been.

Yeah, your performances, they... they always had so much depth.

You were more than just a pretty face with a perfect smile.

And I always felt there was something underneath all that.

What?

Pain.

It was quiet, and it was very deep.

But I could tell it was there.

And I could tell you had to hide it from the world.

Well, I'm sure I don't know what you're talking about...

Forgive me, I don't mean to be too familiar. I just

I know how that feels. And I wanted to say

that watching you always made me feel a little less alone.

Oh, my God.

No, no, no. I'm sorry. This is just something that happens on occasion

when my condition flares up.

- Your condition? - Excuse me.

What the fucking fuck is this?

Are you aware this is private property you're currently trespassing on?

Trespassing?

Nah, this is my daughter's place.

- Your daughter Clara Steele? - Yes, thank you.

That's what I'm saying. How did...

God damn it!

That's just fucking great! She spends 30 years thinking her dear old dad's dead.

And when she find out he's not, she fucking calls the cops on him?

- Sir... - I deserve better than this shit. You know?

I was a good fucking dad! Wiped her ass, cleaned her puke,

bought her every Strawberry fucking Shortcake doll that she ever asked for,

and this is the thanks I get?

Listen, buddy, I get it.

My kid's a piece of work, too. But right now, she doesn't wanna talk.

So, cool off, and try again some other time, all right?

Oh, yeah? How's this for cooling off?

Sir, step away from the bus.

Fuck you! It's my fucking bus.

- Dude's a giant fucking robot. - Fuck!

- I mean, it is his fucking bus. - Damn it!

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!

I understand how difficult that must have been for you.

But try and receive our criticism in the spirit in which it was intended.

Oh, you mean the spirit of a feckless, ungrateful mob

of shit-eating losers?

Yeah, message received.

Don't fucking tell me how to do my job.

You seem to possess a very clear understanding of your mandate

within our little eco-system.

I think it's important that you articulate it.

I fucking survive

the tidal wave of bullshit that hits us every single fucking day.

I'm the one who deals with it.

When one of you loses their shit,

I'm the one who has to clean up their mess afterwards.

When we have to wake up, and do it all over again, and again, and again,

I'm the one who bounces back.

Who bounces back.

I'm the fucking one...

The fucking primary, not you

not any of those other stumblefucks.

Me.

If you'd like to continue to be "the one,"

as you put it,

then I suggest you step off that bus,

and never return to that house.

You're giving me an ultimatum.

I don't like that word.

Think of it as a performance improvement plan.

Listen, I screwed up. All right?

Is that what you fucking wanna hear?

I'll be more careful.

I won't touch that serum again. I... I won't go diving head first

into every weird dimensional portal that comes our way, all right?

This is not a negotiation, Jane.

Your true addiction is not the serum.

It's Niles Caulder, and your friends.

- Merely your enablers. - That's not true.

There is no half measure here, Jane.

Leave Niles, or lose your post as primary.

Ready or not, here I come!

I heard that.

Nice try, Danny.

You can't fool me.

Boo!

Oh, fudge!

A wretched soul, bruised with adversity, we bid be quiet when we hear it cry.

But were we burdened with like weight of pain,

as much, or more we should ourselves complain?

Do you know what it is to see with dull eyes?

What

are

you...

To speak with contrived voice?

No...

What is this?

To touch with dead hands.

Abject hopelessness with subtle hints

of despondent isolation?

Scrumptious.

Now you know.

No, no, no! Uh, no.

I'm sorry.

- I'm sorry, please get out! - Larry?

Oh, God.

Larry!

- Please, God, Rita, just go! - I don't know what to do!

Larry!

That's enough.

But it's never enough, Dr. Caulder.

Please stop, I beg you.

You... You don't plan these things, they just happen.

Darling, it just doesn't make sense.

I know. I know.

"I know. It doesn't."

Please.

I've seen steadier performances from a two-legged coatrack.

Hmm. I guess that's why she only got six Oscar nominations.

But never won.

It should've been me.

If it wasn't for my unfortunate

incident,

it would have been.

Niles told me he was helping other people with their own conditions.

I just never imagined anyone could have it as bad as me.

I'm sorry for how I reacted earlier.

It's quite all right.

I've gotten used to it.

You shouldn't have to get used to it.

Like you said, this is your home.

You should feel comfortable.

Oh, I'm comfortable.

However

I'm afraid I'm becoming a bit too comfortable

with the monster in the mirror.

Early signs of a lost cause.

I don't think that's true.

And if it is, then...

Let's be lost causes together.

Don't do this!

Larry, I'm coming!

Just go!

Oh, Dr. Caulder.

What high hopes I had for you.

Under my care, you could have blossomed.

Rita, no, no! Get out!

I won't leave you!

Please, God, Rita just don't do this!

Rita, just go.

You could have transformed into something truly exquisite.

Something divine.

Rita, just go.

I guess

I'm still just that boy in the alley.

This is incomparable pain, Dr. Niles.

Ah, the black fire works inside.

Ah, the dark comes on in wait.

And wind...

Oh, such a wind.

A roaring hurricane of wind.

Oh, my God.

Are these all his victims?

Which would have been us, too.

Couldn't just be easy, could it? No.

Couldn't just be, "Oh, hey, Dad.

I missed you. I can't believe you're still alive all this time!

Cool robot body. Come on in. Have a beer. We'll catch up."

Hey, you!

Party's inside, lady. Have a blast.

Hey, do me a favor and say hi to my grandkid for me. All right?

While you're at it, save me a piece of gender reveal cake.

My grandkid.

I can't believe I'm gonna have a grandkid.

I gonna fucking miss out on that, too.

I'm gonna miss everything. It's just not fucking fair.

Cliff.

It's not fair, Jane.

I know I wasn't the perfect dad, but I did the best I could.

And this, all this, it wasn't my fault.

You're right.

It wasn't.

But this...

This is.

Shit.

I completely fucked up, didn't I?

Yeah, dude.

We both did.

Listen, let's get out of here.

You coming?

Please be okay.

Don't cry, darling.

Oh...

Look what I did.

Am I bad a person?

No.

We all make mistakes.

The important thing to remember is they don't define who we are.

I said I was sorry.

But I don't think that made it any better.

Sometimes

when you make a very big mistake,

you have to do more than just apologize.

Like what?

You must try to fix it.

What if I can't?

I can never thank you enough.

You'll never have to.

I'm always here for you.

I know.

- That's the problem. - What do you mean?

Everywhere I go, everything I do,

anyone I get close to, it always ends in pain.

You should get as far away from me as you can.

I'm a lost cause.

I thought I was, too, once.

But then I met you.

Lost causes aren't lost if there's someone to fight for them.

Oh!

Hey!

Hey!

Let me out right now, you shitheads!

Let me out!