Original subtitles

DAVID: ♪♪ I'm sitting at the Lunch Hut ♪♪

♪♪ I'm feeling on these nuts ♪♪

♪♪ Waiting on my buddy to order food for us ♪♪

‐I said‐‐ ‐Where's your friend,

the grumpy guy with the moustache?

Uh, you know, I don't know,

because I thought he was gonna be here,

but he is not.

Well, can I get you anything while you wait?

Oh, I have a question.

Can I use his money, even if he's not here yet?

Is that legal?

Well, you don't pay till the end,

so...yes.

♪♪ Awesome! ♪♪

Large coffee, egg salad sandwich,

disco fries, and double the order.

Okay. On it.

(upbeat music)

♪♪ ♪♪

(stomach growling)

(phone buzzing)

Dude, where are you?

I've eaten two egg salad sandwiches,

and I don't feel good.

I took my houseboat into lake patrol

for inspection, and it failed.

I don't care. You need to come

to the Lunch Hut and pay for these sandwiches.

No, I can't. I panicked, and I took off.

(laughs) Wait, hold on.

You're telling me you're, like, on the run

from the houseboat police?

Yes, I am, David,

on the run and out of gas.

(dramatic music)

♪♪ ♪♪

DAVID: Okay, that's it. that's everything

I could siphon out of the Fiero.

Ugh. Mouth tastes like gas again.

Copy that, David. Contact.

(engine sputtering)

Hey, I just noticed this for the first time,

but why doesn't your houseboat have a name?

Not every boat has a name.

Uh, every boat has to have a name.

You know what? I have a suggestion.

The USS "Moustache Ride."

‐No. ‐Ah, let me explain.

‐You have a moustache... ‐Uh‐huh.

And you ride on a boat...

‐You know, I got it. ‐And also,

it has a sexual connotation.

Oh, really, you finally got around to that part?

I get it, David. No.

Wait, isn't Richardsville back that way?

Yes, it is, but I'm not going back.

Oh, no, you've got to turn this boat around.

My mom is making famous meatloaf tonight,

and then Allie and I were talking

about hooking up later for some boning and moaning.

Where, at your parents' house, David?

On this houseboat...

‐What? ‐While you sleep.

‐What? ‐Dude, you live

on an open, unprotected boat.

You sleep with an eye mask... and earplugs...

and a crazy‐loud white noise machine

that makes ocean wave crashing sounds.

This was always gonna happen.

JOHN: You've heard my noise machine?

DAVID: And always has been happening.

JOHN: Oh, Jesus, David.

♪♪ I've been fucking on your houseboat ♪♪

♪♪ While you sleep ♪♪

(groans)

By the way, I want to say one thing.

I think it's really fucked up and sick

that you live on a lake, but you listen to the ocean.

You know what? A lot is fucked up right now.

Oh, my God. Take a breath.

Turn this houseboat around, bright‐eyes,

because I fully intend on having

a total eclipse of the cock on this houseboat tonight.

I can't turn around, David. If I turn around,

Richardsville Water and Sewer Authority

impounds the boat, and then I'm homeless.

How are they gonna impound this boat?

This boat looks terrific.

David, she's falling apart.

The battery bank is corroded, the bilge pump barely works,

and the head needs replacing.

Apparently, it's been pumping my feces

directly into the lake for a year.

Damn, you know a lot of boat vocab.

Plus, I still owe $9,000 on it,

so no, I'm not going back.

And that would be ridiculous.

Instead, I'm gonna go hide in the creek system.

Once I'm over the line in Pittsboro County,

I'm gonna find a fresh water source,

and‐‐and I'll trap nutria and‐‐and eat it.

I'm gonna live on this leaky metaphor

for my totally fucked, broken‐down life

until such time as I am no longer

figuratively underwater,

but actually underwater.

At least you're not being dramatic about it.

Why don't you just go back in the rowboat, David?

Oh, because I suck at tying knots.

Well, then, welcome to the jungle.

Whoo! Hell, yeah.

This is like Miami Vice, man.

Crockett and Tubbs. I'm a fiend for mojitos!

(loud bang)

(engine sputters)

Oh, fuck me.

(rock music)

♪♪ ♪♪

(sighs) I don't want to eat nutria.

♪♪ ♪♪

(surf breaking)

All right, better conserve the battery.

Thank you, Jesus.

So I don't get it.

How can you operate a houseboat

if you never learned to drive

and you don't have a driver's license?

No, I know how to drive,

and‐‐and I did have a driver's license.

‐Whoa. ‐I just‐‐it was revoked.

(laughs) What?

You never told me that.

Yeah, well, let's just say

it was a dark time.

Uh, I gotta hear about this dark time.

‐Come on. ‐It's personal, David.

‐I don't‐‐ ‐Yeah! It's time for...

Real Houseboat Confessions: After Dark.

No, I'm not going to.

You go first.

No, I'm not going to go at all.

Fine, I'll go first.

Okay, I've never told anybody this.

And you don't ever have to.

‐John... ‐Okay.

I'm actually banned for life

from Jeff's newsstand.

‐What? ‐For stealing dirty magazines.

Well, you and Aaron used to steal

dirty magazines all the time in seventh grade.

Remember? I busted you for it.

The mystery of the hijacked jugs.

Yeah, yeah, but this wasn't in seventh grade.

‐W‐when was it? ‐It was last year.

Last year? Why?

I never stopped stealing dirty magazines.

But David, you're a grown man,

and also, porn is free now.

‐Why would you steal it? ‐I know.

Because I'm addicted to stealing it.

‐Ugh. ‐It's the transgression.

Gives me a danger boner, is what my therapist calls it.

And I have this messed‐up relationship

to the sexuality and the forbidden

and all this stuff,

and if I smell scratch‐off tickets

while I'm stealing pornography,

it's just, like, the most exhilarating feeling.

And Jeff said if he ever saw me in his shop again,

he was gonna tell my parents at church,

and I don't want them to judge me.

‐(motor whirring) ‐Wait, you have a therapist?

Ooh, boat, boat, boat!

Look, there's a boat. We're saved.

‐We're saved. ‐Oh, shh, shh, shh.

David. David, David, get down, get down.

‐Wait, what are you doing? ‐It's the law, David.

(low jazz music)

♪♪ ♪♪

DAVID: Wait, hold on a sec.

♪♪ ♪♪

Oh, my God. Guess who it is, man.

‐JOHN: It's Heather Culbreth. ‐DAVID: Yeah!

It's your little detective friend

‐from back in the day. ‐Yeah, I know.

We solved a lot of mysteries together.

She was almost as brilliant a detective as I was.

We even made the paper once.

But then in ninth grade, she went to boarding school,

so we saw less and less of each other.

I admired her.

W‐wait, what is she doing

working for Dicktown Water And Sewer?

JOHN: That's the thing. I have no idea.

She came in while my houseboat was being inspected.

I saw her uniform. I took my boat and ran.

Wait, but she's your friend. You should've said hello.

No, no, I didn't want her to know I never left town.

You know in college,

we were both recruited by the FBI?

(snorts) What?

Yeah, of course.

She took the job and moved away.

I said no, stayed here,

bought a houseboat 'cause I thought

I'd be a cool private detective.

‐Worst decision I ever made. ‐Come on, man.

You don't want to work for the Man

doing a bunch of shady shit, getting health insurance

and pension like some square.

Ugh, David, look where I am.

I'm on top of a dying houseboat.

I'm ashamed. I'm broke.

I work for children.

Fuck yeah, you do, man,

and you got your best buddy right by your side.

You are crushing life.

You are a hero for these times, John.

JOHN: No, I am not.

Wait, let's get back to True Houseboat Confessions.

Why did you get your license taken away?

What? Oh, um...

The first time I saw The Matrix,

I got really excited, and I ate a bunch of ecstasy,

and I drove my car into an elementary school cafeteria.

I mean, it was nighttime. No one was hurt.

But that's where the mayor's kids went,

so they threw everything at me, took my license away.

My mom, as you know, is the chief of police,

so she kept it out of the papers.

She bent the rules for me,

even though I didn't deserve it.

So I don't have a license anymore.

Good night.

(melancholy music)

(birds singing)

(phone buzzing)

Oh, thank you, Lord, for a respite

from this madness.

(engine starting abortively)

Hey, John, get up here!

What? What is it?

I got cell service, dude. I called for help.

Oh, what? No.

Did you‐‐did you give away our location?

I‐‐calm down.

All I did was call a local marina.

‐And I called your dad. ‐What?

And good news:

Your dad is gonna float the cost

of getting the houseboat fixed.

Get it? A boat floats.

God damn it, David.

You know I don't take money from my dad.

Ugh.

Today, you take money from your dad.

Today, you took a lot of money from your dad.

You done did it.

(jazz music)

JOHN: You know what? This is nice.

I can make a new life here.

No way, man. This marina sucks.

No, that sign says they need someone

to make breakfast sandwiches at the marina store.

You can't run from the law, John.

You are the law, in a weird, minor way.

But I can't go back,

and I like making breakfast sandwiches.

‐I'm very good at it. ‐No, no.

Take it from me.

You don't want to have a place

you can't go back to.

HEATHER: Ha! There you are.

Ooh, busted!

What is up, Heather Culbreth?

Oh, my God.

Mr. Purefoy,

step away from Mr. Hunchman, please.

Uh, okay.

‐How did you find me? ‐Well...

I made some calls, looking

for a malfunctioning houseboat...

and then I called your dad.

Oh. Wowie‐zowie.

Hi, Hunch. I like the beard.

Heather, what‐‐ what are you doing here?

You know I always get my man.

No, I mean, why are you back in North Carolina?

What happened with the FBI?

Mm, let's just say I texted some uncensored opinions

of a particular U. S. president,

and those texts were unearthed

by a major news organization,

and then I was offered mandatory early retirement.

Oh, wow. I'm‐‐I'm sorry.

Heather, are you here to take away my houseboat,

or what?

Relax, Hunch.

This is Pittsboro County.

I don't have jurisdiction.

I just wanted to have a word.

Oh, okay. Cool.

You shouldn't have run, Hunch.

Nobody cares about a houseboat

unless it's on fire.

If you take her back and replace the head,

I promise there won't be any trouble.

Okay, understood.

Also, that was sweet.

What‐‐what‐‐ what was sweet?

Well, when I saw you at the inspection station...

‐You saw me there? ‐Uh, yeah, dude.

I pulled up your registration.

I saw what you named your boat.

Oh, no. You did.

Well, I painted it over

after a while.

‐Sorry. ‐Still on the record, though.

MAN: Culbreth, someone dumped a bunch of ceiling fans

in the reservoir. Go check it out.

Copy that. Okay, I gotta go.

See you around, Hunch.

Yeah, uh, good to, um‐‐ yeah, around, Heather.

(light detective music)

What happened? Are we arrested?

I'm not sure what happened,

but we're not arrested.

Awesome. And look, check it out.

♪♪ I got a dirty magazine ♪♪

Oh, no, David, no. These marina guys...

But I didn't steal it. I've grown.

‐I paid for it. ‐Okay.

Oh, but I did forget to pay for this beef jerky,

so I'll be right back.

The USS "Moustache Ride" sails again.

That's not her name.

♪♪ ♪♪

(bright clear tones)