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1
00:00:06,907 --> 00:00:08,407
(mellow music)
2
00:00:08,474 --> 00:00:10,184
JOHN: Uh, I'll havea half order of toast, please.
3
00:00:10,243 --> 00:00:11,953
"A half order
of toast."
4
00:00:12,012 --> 00:00:13,182
‐Correct.
‐Sure.
5
00:00:13,246 --> 00:00:14,716
‐And I'll get you some coffee.
‐Nope.
6
00:00:14,781 --> 00:00:15,921
No coffee.
Thank you very much.
7
00:00:15,982 --> 00:00:17,922
♪♪ ♪♪
8
00:00:17,984 --> 00:00:19,754
Whoa, sneaking in
coffee now, huh?
9
00:00:19,820 --> 00:00:20,890
I know.
10
00:00:20,954 --> 00:00:22,024
We haven't had a case
in two weeks,
11
00:00:22,088 --> 00:00:23,058
‐and I'm totally broke.
‐I know. Me too.
12
00:00:23,123 --> 00:00:24,223
‐It's so liberating.
‐Oh, yeah.
13
00:00:24,290 --> 00:00:26,260
Spoken like a man
who lives with his parents.
14
00:00:26,326 --> 00:00:28,026
No, no, seriously.
Being broke,
15
00:00:28,094 --> 00:00:30,804
it makes that next paycheck
all the sweeter.
16
00:00:30,864 --> 00:00:32,534
Oh, by the way, David...
(slurps)
17
00:00:32,599 --> 00:00:33,969
I can't pay you,
because I'm broke.
18
00:00:34,034 --> 00:00:35,144
God damn it.
19
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:36,401
Yeah, I had to sell
my refrigerator
20
00:00:36,469 --> 00:00:37,869
just to buy my asthma inhaler
this month.
21
00:00:37,938 --> 00:00:39,608
Wait, what?
That's insane!
22
00:00:39,673 --> 00:00:42,013
What about all the ham
I left in that refrigerator?
23
00:00:42,075 --> 00:00:43,605
Well, David,
your ham is warm now.
24
00:00:43,677 --> 00:00:44,477
Unacceptable!
25
00:00:44,545 --> 00:00:46,005
That's my fucking personal ham
26
00:00:46,079 --> 00:00:47,609
for when I come over
to visit you.
27
00:00:47,681 --> 00:00:48,681
You need to ask him
for a loan.
28
00:00:48,749 --> 00:00:49,779
No, I am not going
to ask him for a loan.
29
00:00:49,850 --> 00:00:51,050
No excuses!
30
00:00:51,117 --> 00:00:52,317
That's where I draw the line,
David.
31
00:00:52,385 --> 00:00:54,345
Here's your half order
of toast.
32
00:00:54,420 --> 00:00:56,620
(whispering)
I brought you a lot of jelly,
33
00:00:56,690 --> 00:00:58,830
because I know
you're struggling.
34
00:01:04,665 --> 00:01:05,895
(soft groan)
35
00:01:05,966 --> 00:01:07,626
Okay, let's go ask him.
36
00:01:07,701 --> 00:01:10,041
TUCKER: You want a loan?(chuckles)
37
00:01:10,103 --> 00:01:11,373
That's not happening.
38
00:01:11,437 --> 00:01:13,037
Tucker, you need
to help us out, man.
39
00:01:13,106 --> 00:01:14,066
I know you have money.
40
00:01:14,140 --> 00:01:15,080
You live in this
big house.
41
00:01:15,141 --> 00:01:16,141
You have all this fancy shit.
42
00:01:16,209 --> 00:01:17,139
Plus, your name is Tucker.
43
00:01:17,210 --> 00:01:19,180
Do you know
what N‐O spells?
44
00:01:19,245 --> 00:01:20,305
‐Yes.
‐TUCKER: Wrong.
45
00:01:20,380 --> 00:01:21,950
‐It spells "no."
‐DAVID: Fuck my life.
46
00:01:22,015 --> 00:01:24,115
Come on, David, he just
got you with that last week.
47
00:01:24,184 --> 00:01:25,594
It's nothing personal,
detectives.
48
00:01:25,652 --> 00:01:27,752
All my cash is tied up
in catering
49
00:01:27,821 --> 00:01:29,121
for my croquet tournament.
50
00:01:29,189 --> 00:01:30,159
Wait, whoa‐‐
croquet tournament?
51
00:01:30,223 --> 00:01:31,533
‐When?
‐Saturday.
52
00:01:31,592 --> 00:01:34,392
‐I've partnered with SCKR.
‐(John gasps) SCKR?
53
00:01:34,460 --> 00:01:35,960
The internetseersucker suit company
54
00:01:36,029 --> 00:01:37,359
that cuts out the middle man
and bought their own
55
00:01:37,430 --> 00:01:38,830
seersucker suit factory
in Germany?
56
00:01:38,899 --> 00:01:40,699
Yah.
I'm a brand ambassador.
57
00:01:40,767 --> 00:01:43,697
I provide SCKR with beautiful
teens to play croquet.
58
00:01:43,770 --> 00:01:45,510
‐(gagging)
‐SCKR provides the wardrobe.
59
00:01:45,572 --> 00:01:47,842
I blast the photos
across my platforms.
60
00:01:47,908 --> 00:01:50,208
SCKR puts up
a thousand‐dollar first prize
61
00:01:50,276 --> 00:01:51,676
and a little money
for my trouble.
62
00:01:51,745 --> 00:01:53,845
It's all about looking good
and having fun.
63
00:01:53,914 --> 00:01:55,924
Everything you're saying
sounds really dumb.
64
00:01:55,982 --> 00:01:58,282
Wait a minute, Tucker, did you
say a thousand‐dollar prize?
65
00:01:58,351 --> 00:02:01,151
I did...and now
I regret saying that.
66
00:02:01,221 --> 00:02:03,521
(laughing)
My problems are solved,
67
00:02:03,590 --> 00:02:05,690
because I'm going to win
that croquet tournament.
68
00:02:05,759 --> 00:02:07,659
Tucker, your fancy friends
are about to become
69
00:02:07,728 --> 00:02:09,798
victims of FOBOCM.
70
00:02:09,863 --> 00:02:11,233
Which is...
71
00:02:11,297 --> 00:02:14,837
"Full‐on, balls‐out
croquet murder."
72
00:02:14,901 --> 00:02:17,841
(dramatic music)
73
00:02:17,904 --> 00:02:19,214
♪♪ ♪♪
74
00:02:19,272 --> 00:02:20,942
(car horn honks)
75
00:02:21,007 --> 00:02:22,277
Let's go, John!
76
00:02:22,342 --> 00:02:23,782
The sooner you win
this stupid tournament,
77
00:02:23,844 --> 00:02:25,314
the sooner you can buy
a new fridge, and then we‐‐
78
00:02:25,378 --> 00:02:27,878
‐(laughing) Oh, my god.
‐Huh?
79
00:02:27,948 --> 00:02:28,918
DAVID: What happened?
80
00:02:28,982 --> 00:02:30,582
I got this suit 20 years ago.
81
00:02:30,651 --> 00:02:32,491
I've been waiting for
the right moment to deploy it.
82
00:02:32,553 --> 00:02:35,023
Oh, my God, you deployed
the shit out of that.
83
00:02:35,088 --> 00:02:36,218
You look insane.
84
00:02:36,289 --> 00:02:37,389
Yeah, it's my secret weapon.
85
00:02:37,457 --> 00:02:40,057
It is a really tight suit,
86
00:02:40,126 --> 00:02:43,256
and when were you gonna tell me
about your robotic penis?
87
00:02:43,329 --> 00:02:44,669
David, that's my inhaler.
88
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:46,401
Took me 20 minutes
just to get it into the pocket.
89
00:02:46,466 --> 00:02:47,626
‐Oh.
‐(coughs)
90
00:02:47,701 --> 00:02:49,641
I do think these pants
might be a little tight.
91
00:02:49,703 --> 00:02:51,243
Damn, son.
92
00:02:51,304 --> 00:02:53,244
Let's ride.
93
00:02:53,306 --> 00:02:55,736
Uh, actually, can you put on
my seat belt for me?
94
00:02:55,809 --> 00:02:57,339
I can't move my arms.
95
00:02:58,679 --> 00:03:01,049
I can't believe you're excited
about playing croquet.
96
00:03:01,114 --> 00:03:02,824
Have you ever even played
this dumb game before?
97
00:03:02,883 --> 00:03:04,083
Mm, David, of course.
98
00:03:04,150 --> 00:03:05,950
When I was young, I played
with people all over the world.
99
00:03:06,019 --> 00:03:07,289
Wait.
How'd you do that?
100
00:03:07,353 --> 00:03:09,393
JOHN:Croquet by mail...
101
00:03:09,455 --> 00:03:11,485
DAVID: (whispering)Oh, fuck.
102
00:03:11,558 --> 00:03:13,428
JOHN: Allowed meto master strategy
103
00:03:13,493 --> 00:03:15,963
without the physical risksof an actual game.
104
00:03:16,029 --> 00:03:17,759
It was a rush like no other,
105
00:03:17,831 --> 00:03:20,071
for the asthmatic child,at least.
106
00:03:20,634 --> 00:03:21,904
DAVID:Croquet by mail.
107
00:03:21,968 --> 00:03:23,398
That is hardcore.
108
00:03:23,469 --> 00:03:27,269
When it comes to croquet,
I'm fucking hardcore as shit.
109
00:03:27,340 --> 00:03:30,840
(upbeat jazzy music)
110
00:03:30,911 --> 00:03:33,781
JOHN: Well, well, well,look at these pathetic losers.
111
00:03:33,847 --> 00:03:35,617
Uh, are you kidding?
This is amazing.
112
00:03:35,682 --> 00:03:36,622
‐JOHN: What?
‐DAVID: This is like
113
00:03:36,683 --> 00:03:37,853
that book we read
in high school
114
00:03:37,918 --> 00:03:39,688
about the guy
everyone thinks is so great.
115
00:03:39,753 --> 00:03:41,493
‐Oh, really? Which book?
‐"The Greatest Guy"
116
00:03:41,555 --> 00:03:43,355
by F‐This Fitzgerald
or something.
117
00:03:43,423 --> 00:03:44,493
All right.
I'll ignore that.
118
00:03:44,558 --> 00:03:45,958
Listen up, everyone.
119
00:03:46,026 --> 00:03:48,226
My name is John Hunchman.
120
00:03:48,294 --> 00:03:51,164
I came here to smash balls
and make money,
121
00:03:51,231 --> 00:03:53,901
and I'm all out of money.
122
00:03:53,967 --> 00:03:55,537
(laughs)
Nice outfit.
123
00:03:55,602 --> 00:03:58,972
He looks like a gummy bear
going to Sunday school.
124
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,579
He looks like if Mark Twain
lived in a basement
125
00:04:01,642 --> 00:04:03,282
with a freezer
full of human heads.
126
00:04:03,343 --> 00:04:05,253
‐Brutal.
‐Okay, I can hear you.
127
00:04:05,311 --> 00:04:08,251
He looks like
if a riverboat captain
128
00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:11,354
and a Double Stuf Oreo
had a baby.
129
00:04:11,417 --> 00:04:12,387
‐Ooh.
‐Keep it coming.
130
00:04:12,452 --> 00:04:13,752
Every insult
makes me stronger.
131
00:04:13,820 --> 00:04:16,190
Looking like
"Brideshead Regurgitated."
132
00:04:16,256 --> 00:04:17,216
(snorts)
Oh, my God.
133
00:04:17,290 --> 00:04:18,360
All right.
You know what?
134
00:04:18,424 --> 00:04:19,694
That's‐‐that's actually
a good reference.
135
00:04:19,760 --> 00:04:21,390
He looks like
a bag of mustaches
136
00:04:21,461 --> 00:04:23,461
trying to sneak
into the Kentucky Derby.
137
00:04:23,530 --> 00:04:25,200
‐(laughing)
‐Okay.
138
00:04:25,265 --> 00:04:26,665
Enough meaningless nonsense.
139
00:04:26,733 --> 00:04:28,203
Let's play croquet.
Where's Tucker?
140
00:04:28,268 --> 00:04:30,668
Rise and grind, bitches.
141
00:04:30,737 --> 00:04:31,867
BOTH: Wow.
142
00:04:31,938 --> 00:04:34,468
JOHN: SCKR really does send
quality seersucker suits
143
00:04:34,541 --> 00:04:35,711
straight to your door.
144
00:04:35,776 --> 00:04:40,106
Remember, no matter
who wins or loses,
145
00:04:40,180 --> 00:04:44,350
this is all about looking good
and having fun.
146
00:04:44,417 --> 00:04:46,387
Right, but there's still
a thousand‐dollar prize.
147
00:04:46,452 --> 00:04:47,492
‐Correct?
‐(sighs)
148
00:04:47,554 --> 00:04:48,964
That's correct.
149
00:04:49,022 --> 00:04:50,492
Now, everyone remember,
150
00:04:50,557 --> 00:04:53,557
the official hashtag
is #sucklife.
151
00:04:53,627 --> 00:04:55,897
And that's paid out
immediately, the prize?
152
00:04:55,962 --> 00:04:56,962
Sure.
153
00:04:57,030 --> 00:04:58,060
And you should promote that
154
00:04:58,131 --> 00:04:59,301
across all your‐‐
155
00:04:59,365 --> 00:05:01,395
‐In cash?
‐Cash, check, Bitcoin.
156
00:05:01,467 --> 00:05:03,997
Whatever,
but you gotta win first.
157
00:05:04,070 --> 00:05:05,870
‐Okay. Got it covered.
‐All right, champ.
158
00:05:05,939 --> 00:05:07,239
Good luck.
You call me when it's over.
159
00:05:07,307 --> 00:05:08,537
We'll hit the Fridge Pit.
160
00:05:08,609 --> 00:05:09,879
We'll get you a fresh,shiny fridge.
161
00:05:09,943 --> 00:05:11,343
ANNOUNCER:Fridge Pit!
162
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:12,581
Whoa, whoa, David,
you can't leave.
163
00:05:12,646 --> 00:05:13,906
(sputters)
Croquet's lame.
164
00:05:13,980 --> 00:05:15,880
I'm gonna go read magazines
at the gas station.
165
00:05:15,949 --> 00:05:17,879
No, no, it's‐‐it's‐‐
it's two‐person teams, David.
166
00:05:17,951 --> 00:05:20,021
‐I‐‐I need you.
‐DAVID: Ugh. Really?
167
00:05:20,086 --> 00:05:21,556
‐You need me?
‐Uh‐‐
168
00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,122
Do it for the ham.
169
00:05:23,189 --> 00:05:24,389
‐Fine.
‐Yes!
170
00:05:24,457 --> 00:05:26,457
Okay, but if this isn't fun,
I'm gonna be pissed.
171
00:05:26,527 --> 00:05:28,227
Put us on the board,
Tucker!
172
00:05:28,294 --> 00:05:29,704
Fine.
What's your team name?
173
00:05:29,763 --> 00:05:32,573
Uh, how 'bout "Best Buddies
Ball Bonkers LLC"‐‐
174
00:05:32,633 --> 00:05:35,473
‐Weak...
‐Oh, my God.
175
00:05:35,536 --> 00:05:37,496
Our team name is
176
00:05:37,571 --> 00:05:40,371
"Your Face Is
My Slaughterhouse."
177
00:05:41,407 --> 00:05:44,407
Oh...kay.
178
00:05:45,311 --> 00:05:46,381
MAN: Round one!
179
00:05:46,446 --> 00:05:48,676
(rock music)
180
00:05:48,749 --> 00:05:49,419
Boom!
181
00:05:49,482 --> 00:05:50,522
We win.
182
00:05:50,584 --> 00:05:52,194
In your face, Toby!
183
00:05:52,252 --> 00:05:53,452
All right,
chill out, man.
184
00:05:53,520 --> 00:05:55,720
‐It's just a game.
‐"Just a game."
185
00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,759
The catchphrase of losers.
186
00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:59,364
Who's next?
How 'bout you two?
187
00:05:59,425 --> 00:06:00,555
Who, us?
188
00:06:00,627 --> 00:06:02,327
We won the tournament
last year.
189
00:06:02,395 --> 00:06:03,295
We get a buy.
190
00:06:03,363 --> 00:06:06,133
Oh, well, wowee.
191
00:06:06,199 --> 00:06:07,369
What's up with him?
192
00:06:07,433 --> 00:06:09,443
This is supposed to be about
looking good and having fun.
193
00:06:09,503 --> 00:06:10,673
Dude, I don't know.
194
00:06:10,737 --> 00:06:12,037
‐I've never seen him like this.
‐Come on.
195
00:06:12,105 --> 00:06:12,865
Come on.
You want some?
196
00:06:12,939 --> 00:06:14,539
You want some, right?
Come on.
197
00:06:14,608 --> 00:06:16,078
Which one of you is gonna
take a piece of this?
198
00:06:16,142 --> 00:06:20,312
He looks like a toll booth
having a panic attack.
199
00:06:20,380 --> 00:06:22,280
MAN: Round two!
200
00:06:22,348 --> 00:06:24,148
Come on, Britney!
201
00:06:24,217 --> 00:06:25,547
You got this, Brit!
202
00:06:25,619 --> 00:06:28,119
(camera shutter snapping)
203
00:06:28,188 --> 00:06:29,318
(coughs)
Missed the ball.
204
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:31,059
‐(coughing)
‐Oh, shoot.
205
00:06:31,124 --> 00:06:32,234
My turn.
206
00:06:32,292 --> 00:06:33,562
♪♪ ♪♪
207
00:06:33,627 --> 00:06:35,527
‐Aw, man.
‐Lesson here, Britney:
208
00:06:35,596 --> 00:06:38,196
you come at the king,
you best not miss.
209
00:06:38,264 --> 00:06:39,234
♪♪ ♪♪
210
00:06:39,299 --> 00:06:40,399
JOHN: Ha!
211
00:06:40,466 --> 00:06:41,866
Why are you being
such a little bitch?
212
00:06:41,935 --> 00:06:43,565
(blabbering)
213
00:06:43,637 --> 00:06:45,337
This is a croquet tournament,
okay?
214
00:06:45,405 --> 00:06:46,735
It's not a cuddle puddle.
215
00:06:47,473 --> 00:06:48,413
‐Dude.
‐What?
216
00:06:48,474 --> 00:06:49,514
You're acting insane.
217
00:06:49,576 --> 00:06:50,636
This is supposed to be fun.
218
00:06:50,711 --> 00:06:54,821
I literally can't afford
to have fun, okay?
219
00:06:54,881 --> 00:06:56,581
Now get out of my way.
You're blocking my shot.
220
00:06:56,650 --> 00:07:02,790
♪♪ ♪♪
221
00:07:02,856 --> 00:07:05,326
Mm...mm.
222
00:07:05,391 --> 00:07:06,831
Yes!
223
00:07:06,893 --> 00:07:08,603
ALL: Boo!
224
00:07:08,662 --> 00:07:11,402
♪♪ ♪♪
225
00:07:11,464 --> 00:07:13,304
MAN: Round three!
226
00:07:13,366 --> 00:07:14,426
(sighs)
Stupid game.
227
00:07:14,501 --> 00:07:15,401
Whoa, David,
what are you doing?
228
00:07:15,468 --> 00:07:16,538
‐What?
‐Not the red ball.
229
00:07:16,603 --> 00:07:17,603
Green ball's a cleaner shot.
230
00:07:17,671 --> 00:07:18,711
The green ball's
too far away.
231
00:07:18,772 --> 00:07:19,772
No, it's not.
It's perfect.
232
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,740
Listen.
Do you need me or not?
233
00:07:21,808 --> 00:07:23,578
‐(groans)
‐Let me play my game.
234
00:07:23,644 --> 00:07:25,254
‐Fine.
‐Step back two steps.
235
00:07:25,311 --> 00:07:26,451
Goddamn.
236
00:07:26,513 --> 00:07:27,953
Breathing down my neck
over here.
237
00:07:29,282 --> 00:07:30,282
Shit.
238
00:07:30,350 --> 00:07:31,850
Oh, god damn it, David!
239
00:07:31,918 --> 00:07:32,648
Whatever!
240
00:07:32,719 --> 00:07:33,789
I told you, David.
241
00:07:33,854 --> 00:07:34,894
Now I have to clean up
your mess.
242
00:07:34,955 --> 00:07:36,985
Oh, okay, fine.
I'm sorry.
243
00:07:37,057 --> 00:07:39,227
I'm so sorry I messed up
your master plan.
244
00:07:39,292 --> 00:07:40,192
I'm gonna go get a drink.
245
00:07:40,260 --> 00:07:41,860
You're mine now.
246
00:07:43,496 --> 00:07:44,766
‐Ah! Ouch!
‐Shit!
247
00:07:44,831 --> 00:07:46,831
Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch.
Finger cramp.
248
00:07:46,900 --> 00:07:48,740
‐ALL: Boo!
‐What was that?
249
00:07:48,802 --> 00:07:50,872
Oh, I guess
it's a false alarm.
250
00:07:50,937 --> 00:07:54,267
Tucker, the weird, fat,
old man isn't playing fair.
251
00:07:54,340 --> 00:07:56,180
Reign it in, Detective.
252
00:07:56,242 --> 00:08:00,652
We're trying to document
a fun seersucker lifestyle.
253
00:08:00,714 --> 00:08:03,054
Not your menopausal
breakdown.
254
00:08:03,116 --> 00:08:05,646
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just get the prize money ready.
255
00:08:05,719 --> 00:08:07,849
MAN: Match point!
256
00:08:07,921 --> 00:08:10,661
It all comes down to this.
257
00:08:10,724 --> 00:08:12,734
The final wicket.
258
00:08:12,793 --> 00:08:16,463
This is why we love croquet.
259
00:08:16,530 --> 00:08:19,900
Who's looking good
and having fun?
260
00:08:19,966 --> 00:08:20,896
‐(all cheering)
‐Oh, Jesus.
261
00:08:20,967 --> 00:08:22,437
Enough about looking good.
262
00:08:22,503 --> 00:08:24,643
(camera shutter snapping)
263
00:08:24,705 --> 00:08:26,565
Out of my way, "Grey Gardens."
264
00:08:26,640 --> 00:08:30,510
(grunting)
Asthma attack!
265
00:08:30,577 --> 00:08:32,607
Tucker,
this weird, old man
266
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:34,479
is doing another
fake medical emergency.
267
00:08:34,548 --> 00:08:35,948
Oh, shit.
No, no.
268
00:08:36,016 --> 00:08:37,716
He's having an asthma attack.
He's‐‐it's real.
269
00:08:37,784 --> 00:08:38,794
Where's your inhaler?
270
00:08:38,852 --> 00:08:39,792
Can't get it out
of my pocket.
271
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,723
Damn, these pants
are so tight.
272
00:08:41,788 --> 00:08:43,318
Does anyone have an inhaler?
273
00:08:43,389 --> 00:08:44,589
Anyone?
274
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:45,788
I know he's been a dick
all afternoon.
275
00:08:45,859 --> 00:08:46,929
Doesn't mean he should die.
276
00:08:46,993 --> 00:08:48,703
Fine.
Here you go.
277
00:08:48,762 --> 00:08:50,902
‐Thank you.
‐(gasping)
278
00:08:50,964 --> 00:08:52,604
This inhaler...
(wheezes)
279
00:08:52,666 --> 00:08:54,026
It's beautiful.
280
00:08:54,100 --> 00:08:55,540
Come on, Colonel.
281
00:08:55,602 --> 00:08:57,472
Suck life!
282
00:08:57,538 --> 00:09:01,368
Suck life.
Suck life.
283
00:09:01,441 --> 00:09:04,581
ALL: Suck life!
Suck life!
284
00:09:04,645 --> 00:09:05,875
Suck life!
285
00:09:05,946 --> 00:09:07,906
This is not what I planned,
286
00:09:07,981 --> 00:09:11,991
but thank you for this
incredible spectacle.
287
00:09:12,052 --> 00:09:14,492
ALL: Suck life!
Suck life!
288
00:09:14,555 --> 00:09:17,915
Now there, and zoom...
and match.
289
00:09:17,991 --> 00:09:19,391
See? I definitely would've
won that on paper.
290
00:09:19,459 --> 00:09:20,889
You know what?
291
00:09:20,961 --> 00:09:22,361
No one gives a shit about what
happens on a piece of paper.
292
00:09:22,428 --> 00:09:23,428
What‐‐what is your problem?
293
00:09:23,496 --> 00:09:24,996
Dude, are you not even
gonna thank me?
294
00:09:25,065 --> 00:09:26,525
For helping me
lose the match?
295
00:09:26,600 --> 00:09:28,570
For saving your life,
asshole.
296
00:09:28,635 --> 00:09:30,295
Technically, the inhaler
saved my life.
297
00:09:30,370 --> 00:09:32,870
Admit it; you literally
cannot live without me,
298
00:09:32,939 --> 00:09:34,709
because real life
is not on paper.
299
00:09:34,775 --> 00:09:36,405
Will you stop waving
that ham in my face?
300
00:09:36,476 --> 00:09:38,306
John, this is the talking ham.
301
00:09:38,378 --> 00:09:39,848
Whoever holds the ham can talk.
302
00:09:39,913 --> 00:09:41,653
Now, you listen to me,
damn it.
303
00:09:41,715 --> 00:09:42,645
‐(phone chimes)
‐Whoa.
304
00:09:42,716 --> 00:09:43,746
‐What?
‐Tucker.
305
00:09:43,817 --> 00:09:45,787
He just sent me $500.
306
00:09:45,852 --> 00:09:47,592
According to him,
it turns out,
307
00:09:47,654 --> 00:09:49,794
"Young people
playing lawn games..."
308
00:09:49,856 --> 00:09:50,716
JOHN AND TUCKER:With a belligerent,
309
00:09:50,791 --> 00:09:52,631
lonely, old man...
310
00:09:52,693 --> 00:09:55,633
TUCKER: Speaks to millennials'yearning for weird dads
311
00:09:55,696 --> 00:09:57,956
who aren't their actual dads.
312
00:09:58,031 --> 00:09:59,701
Good work, Detective.
313
00:09:59,766 --> 00:10:01,566
Huh.
I'm a brand ambassador.
314
00:10:01,635 --> 00:10:03,295
Goddamn, you're selfish.
315
00:10:03,369 --> 00:10:04,609
We're both brand ambassadors.
316
00:10:04,671 --> 00:10:06,471
‐(phone chimes)
‐Oh.
317
00:10:06,540 --> 00:10:09,380
Uh, did you just order me
five honey‐baked hams?
318
00:10:09,442 --> 00:10:12,482
Well, I don't want you to die
from eating that rotten ham,
319
00:10:12,546 --> 00:10:14,406
and you have a point.
320
00:10:14,480 --> 00:10:15,520
Here we go.
321
00:10:15,582 --> 00:10:16,822
I couldn't have lost
without you.
322
00:10:16,883 --> 00:10:17,853
‐Uh‐huh.
‐All right?
323
00:10:17,918 --> 00:10:19,688
Okay,
apology accepted,
324
00:10:19,753 --> 00:10:22,723
if what you're saying
is you need me.
325
00:10:22,789 --> 00:10:23,889
‐I need‐‐
‐Just say it, man.
326
00:10:23,957 --> 00:10:24,987
Just say it.
Why's it gotta be so hard?
327
00:10:25,058 --> 00:10:26,228
Don't even think about it.
Just say it.
328
00:10:26,292 --> 00:10:29,362
You need...
329
00:10:29,429 --> 00:10:32,199
Need...a new refrigerator.
330
00:10:32,265 --> 00:10:34,295
So I can stuff all this
hot honeyed ham in it.
331
00:10:34,367 --> 00:10:35,467
Ugh, vomit.
332
00:10:35,536 --> 00:10:37,766
‐My hot honeyed ham, homey.
‐Disgusting. Yeah.
333
00:10:37,838 --> 00:10:39,608
‐Euphemism taken.
‐Take it.
334
00:10:39,673 --> 00:10:41,173
Take all that euphemism.
23854
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