Original subtitles

JOHN: David, what are you doing?

DAVID: Shut up. Dude, just shut up.

Just wait.

Ahh...

ahh‐ahh...

Oh, no, you're doing that thing.

It's not working. You know, back in the day,

if you held a slice of cafeteria pizza like this,

everything would slide off into your mouth like a mudslide.

It was delicious.

The gastronomy club petitioned them

to use better tomato paste.

Oh, there you go.

Sustained activism is the key to social progress.

Well, you ruined pizza chugging.

Congratulations.

Okay, look, we're not technically

supposed to be on school property at all,

so let's get down to it.

How can we help you?

Have y'all ever heard of Party Pines?

Kids party there on the weekend.

Oh, yes.

Yes, we're familiar with Party Pines.

‐Really? ‐What are your names again?

‐He's Colin. ‐She's Phoebe.

All right, Phoebe and Colin,

I'ma put y'all up on some history.

I tapped the first‐ever keg at Party Pines.

Me and my bros founded that place.

It's like going up to Christopher Columbus

and saying, "Oh, have you heard about this place?

"It's really great. It's called America.

I think you would like it." He's like,

"Yeah, I know all about it. I'm the one who invented it."

‐Why that acc‐‐ ‐'Cause he's Italian.

‐Oh, God. ‐Yeah.

So you're Christopher Columbus?

Yeah, if he did upside‐down beer bongs

on a sick‐ass tire swing he built himself.

So you're okay having the blood of genocide on your hands?

Uh, it rules, obviously.

I got a holiday out of it.

‐Okay, that's‐‐ ‐I win.

‐All right, Howard Zinn, let's, uh,

let's move on to their case, please.

Anyway,

something strange is happening at Party Pines.

(twig snaps)

For the last few weeks,

there's been a thing in the woods.

COLIN: Just standing there watching us.

Not to creep‐shame, but it's kind of creepy.

(gasps) Dude, I wonder if it's the lurker of Party Pines.

Do you remember him?

I wouldn't remember the lurker of Party Pines,

because I was never invited to Party Pines.

Who's the lurker of Party Pines?

Back when we were in high school,

he was this weirdo who hid in the woods

and just watched us.

(twig snaps)

And we all thought maybe he was, like,

an escaped lunatic from the Dicktown Lunatic Asylum,

'cause that's where they kept all the lunatics.

But that was, like, 50 years ago.

You think it's the same guy?

No, he would be dead by now, of course,

but perhaps it's his ghost.

Whatever it is, we want it to leave us alone.

Kids shouldn't have to look over their shoulders

when they're partying illegally in the woods.

(door opens)

MAN: Hey.

‐Oh, dude. ‐MAN: Hey, you.

‐We gotta go, we gotta go. ‐We'll see you tomorrow night.

Hey, My Two Dads, get out of here.

Thanks for the pizza.

(dramatic music)

Man, I didn't know you believed in ghosts.

I don't believe in ghosts.

You just said it could be a ghost.

David, you have friends, and you have good hair,

but I have something even better.

Yeah, I know, a houseboat.

An analytical mind.

‐Oh. ‐I don't believe in ghosts.

I'm a skeptic.

However, I do need money to pay for the houseboat,

and therefore,

why not pose as ghost hunters...

‐Oh, snap. ‐In order to get more work?

Damn, I love your analytical mind,

your hot, throbbing analytical mind.

It explodes, and I get thoughts all over my face,

and I go crazy.

Oh, no thank you.

(rock music)

Tucker, we need supplies.

TUCKER (over phone): They sell adult diapers at CVS.

Very funny. We're coming over.

TUCKER (over phone): No, you already owe me $500.

Plus, I'm not home.

DAVID: He is totally lying.

Plus, you still haven't returned my binoculars.

Okay, that part's true.

Ghost hunting gear?

Do you even believe in paranormal stuff?

What‐‐what does it matter what I "believe."

Does anything matter?

Mm, your rejection of bourgeois labels is hot.

I thought it was existential nihilism.

I'm still aroused. Here, take these goggles.

All right, well, what do these do?

Help you see at night, genius.

That's why they're called night vision goggles.

Okay, okay, I didn't know what kind of goggles they were.

‐I'm sorry. ‐(laughs)

I thought maybe they were micro‐penis goggles

for looking at your micro‐penis.

‐Guys, guys, okay. ‐'Cause it's so tiny,

you need goggles to see it.

Okay, what else do you have, Tucker?

Uh, you can say this old graphing calculator

is an EMF meter.

What's EMF?

BOTH: Electromagnetic frequency.

‐DAVID: What? ‐Duh.

‐Ugh, these nerds. ‐Okay, keep it coming, Tucker.

What else? ‐I guess you could tape

this old Xbox to a bike helmet.

Well, that sounds perfect.

That will actually look kind of cool.

All right, and we'll need the walkie‐talkies.

Okay, you already owe me five, so that comes to $800.

‐Oh, David. ‐Yeah, right.

How about $200

and we don't tell your parents about all this?

No way.

Tucker, my dad will kill me.

Mine too.

(ominous music)

‐(inhales) Mmm, Party Pines. ‐(groans)

It's good to be back.

Yes, Party Pines.

You know, you said we never invited you here,

but we totally did, man.

Oh, that's right. You did invite me once

to solve the mystery of the wrong bong.

No, this is your bong, Taylor.

Dude, if that was my bong, I'd be high right now,

and if I was high, I'd be paranoid, but I'm not.

That proves somebody snuck up in here and replaced it

with an exact replica, man.

Taylor, it literally has your name on it.

Duh, that's because it's an exact replica.

That's the level of mastermind that we're dealing with.

(sighs)

Don't sigh. It's rude.

Ahh!

‐Still an open case, buddy. ‐No, it isn't.

(ominous music)

Hey, y'all. What's up?

Uh, where is the keg?

Keg? What are you, cops?

They're too old to be cops.

Whoa, cool graphing calculator.

This is an EMF meter, bruh. We're ghost hunters.

That's right.

If anyone has issues with ghosts or demons,

Hunchman Paranormal Investigations can help.

Where did you get those beers?

Beer?

Beer impairs your mental activity, dude.

This is Super Soylent.

It has cognition‐enhancing nutrients.

Really?

Even folate coenzymes?

Wait, hold on.

You're drinking to get smart?

You're supposed to drink to get dumb.

Dude, something's not right.

Huh? Wait.

What the...

What happened to my Party Pines?

Welcome to Party Pines 2.0.

Wait a minute.

‐This looks like a TED Talk. ‐What's that?

Oh, it's an annual conference of thought leaders...

‐Boring, boring. ‐That meets in Vancouver

to present and discuss issues of the day in technology,

entertainment, and design. ‐Boring!

We call it Cognitive Campfire Talks.

We've disrupted the partying paradigm.

We get buzzed on ideas.

‐And Adderall. ‐But mostly ideas.

Oh, where was this when I was in school?

We're all about leveraging knowledge

to improve our chances in today's zero‐sum economy.

That sounds fun as shit.

We're about to start tonight's program.

Okay, guys, cognitive campfire is starting.

May's up first, game theory for beginners.

(dramatic music)

Well, that sounds really interesting.

I could use a refresher on game theory.

So you better go stand guard now.

Oh, right.

Come on, let's go secure the perimeter

so these nerds can make out with each other's brains.

(ominous music)

(groans)

These woods are definitely creepier than I remember.

Do you see anything? Over.

Breaker one‐nine, that is a negative.

I see nothing.

Okay, like a said before,

please say "over" to end your transmission, okay?

‐Over. ‐Got it.

Over.

Thank you, over.

‐DAVID: You're welcome, penis. ‐(groans)

You know, I wonder if they put their lectures on YouTube.

I should probably check out... (gasps)

David.

Oh, my God, David, the mystery man.

What do I do? David, what do I do?

DAVID: You can start by saying "over."

This isn't funny. Over.

He's coming for me.

David, help me. Over.

(breathing heavily)

He was so close. I felt his evil.

What do I do? What do I do?

Use your analytical mind.

Right, I can do this.

Target left the clearing at 9:30

traveling approximately five miles per hour.

You started running at 9:31.

If you run 30 degrees to the east

at 5.25 miles per hour, you'll cut him off at the creek

at 9:34 p. m., over.

I'm on it, over.

In conclusion, the key to game theory is...

(all gasp)

Hi‐ho, nerds.

Look who we got.

Now they'll see who this

non‐ghost mystery man really is.

‐DAVID: Cam Smith. ‐JOHN: Exactly.

Cam Smith.

I'm sorry. I've never heard of him.

Yeah, me neither, actually. Who's Cam Smith?

Uh, he's the starting center

on your high school basketball team,

the Junior Tobaccaneers.

What, you guys don't support the Junior Tobacs?

All sports cause concussions.

Ugh, why were you hiding in the woods?

Well, I heard about these cool lectures,

well, I‐‐I knew they'd never invite me,

because I'm a jock.

But nerds are cooler than jocks now.

I know.

The whole world is swirling down a toilet of madness.

You're welcome to join our circle of influencers, Cam.

‐Really? ‐What?

No. What are you doing?

You've built this beautiful intellectual oasis,

and you're gonna let jocks in?

Jocks will ruin it.

Just like they ruined the Beastie Boys.

But we're intersectional.

We'd love to hear the jock perspective.

Oh, the whole world is swirling down a toilet of madness.

Thanks for your help, guys.

Wait, I'm sorry. I've got‐‐

I've got to say one thing before we go.

All you nerds, listen up.

This is your final lecture for the night.

Party Pines is special, you idiots.

Generations of Dicktown kids have goofed off right here.

This is a sacred space for acting stupid.

That's why he named it Party Pines.

And you nerds are defiling it with free lectures.

What is this, Snapchat Epidemiology?

What the fuck is that?

It's shameful, son, is what it is.

I'm embarrassed to be a Dicktown High alumni.

Thank you. Good night.

Alumnus.

What did you say?

You're embarrassed to be an alumnus.

"Alumni" is plural.

‐Oh, he's right, actually. ‐Ooh.

You keep acting smart,

I'll burn this whole fucking forest to the ground.

John, let's go.

Great lecture series, everyone.

Thanks.

Well, to our first non‐paranormal

paranormal case.

And to the spirit of Party Pines, RIP.

Oh, David.

Oh, that's gonna leak into the living room.

‐I'm pouring one out ‐All right.

I guess I'll go get a towel and clean up your mess.

‐Okay. ‐Ugh.

(light jazzy music)

Hey, I'm sorry we never invited you to Party Pines.

JOHN: It's fine.

Just we didn't like you very much.

JOHN: Well, I appreciate your honesty, I guess.

DAVID: Hey, wouldn't it be weird

if the lurker of Party Pines was still out there somewhere?

I'm sorry, what?

DAVID: I said, wouldn't it be effed up

if the lurker of Party Pines

was still alive out there somewhere?

Oh, David, that is a mystery

that will never be solved.

What?

That is a mystery that will never be solved.

Wait, what?

That is a mystery that will never be solved.

DAVID: Dude, I can't hear you. What are you saying?

It's a mystery that will never be solved.

DAVID: I still can't hear you. What are you saying?

Nothing!