Original subtitles

This place is amazing. Do you have Gymkata?

No, that one's always out.

(groans) Karate meets pommel horse.

That's one of the most bad‐ass movies ever made.

I know. I totally want to reboot one.

What about Quest for Fire?

That's the first tape I ever rented.

Yes, directed by Jean‐Jacques Annaud.

You know the Paleolithic caveman language in that movie

was invented by novelist Anthony Burgess?

Did he invent Rae Dawn Chong's breasts, too?

Because they were speaking my language.

Can we get to my case, please? My shift's ending soon.

Right. Sorry. You were saying?

You guys know Fowler's Drugs, right?

Oldest soda fountain in the state, established 1922.

And it's never been hotter.

Really? A soda fountain?

Yeah, David. Everything is retro now.

Just like this place.

People crave the authenticity

of VHS and vinyl records.

It's a yearning for a more innocent time.

So I've been fucking a guy who works there.

‐Okay. Uh‐huh. ‐Oh, I see.

‐Here we go. ‐His name's Kurt.

He works the fountain.

We started hanging out and hooking up,

but I got careless, and now I'm afraid I might be‐‐

‐Pregnant. ‐Pregnant.

What? No.

Dating.

Wait. Aren't you?

‐(scoffs) I hope not. ‐Why do you think you might be?

One, we made eye contact during sex.

Oh, come on, Meg.

Two, we got high and went to Splash Force water park.

KIDS: Splash Force!

Oh, you went to Splash Force together?

You're definitely gonna test positive for dating.

Yeah, and probably cryptosporidium as well.

Wait, what's that?

It's a well‐known waterborne disease.

Damn it.

Can't you just ask him what's going on?

No. Then he'll think I'm interested

in knowing our status.

But that's literally exactly

what you're interested in knowing.

But if he thinks I want to know if he thinks we're dating,

he'll think it's because I want him

to think I want to date him, and I don't.

‐Okay, I'm lost. ‐No, I‐‐I get it, Meg.

You can't let him even begin to think you might care about him,

because then you'll be trapped forever.

David has been divorced three times.

‐What up? ‐I know it sounds mean.

But I go to college in the fall.

I have to focus.

Oh, really? What are you gonna study?

Filmmaking.

I'm gonna direct incredibly violent action films

starring women.

Ooh. An all‐female Gymkata.

That would be hot.

I know, right? Kurt's just a junior.

I don't need some boyfriend back home

sending me sentimental dick pics all the time.

No, I can appreciate why you would not want that.

So, uh, how can we help you?

I'm going to Fowler's tonight to see him.

I want you to watch us together

and tell me what you think.

In other words,

black ops relationship status sitrep,

DEFCON level nine.

‐What? ‐Translation?

‐We're taking the job. ‐We're taking the job.

(dramatic music)

Maybe I just don't know what dating means

to teenagers anymore.

You know what?

I'll look it up on the Urban Dictionary.

‐No! No, no, no, no, bro. ‐Yeah. D‐A‐T‐I‐N‐G.

Do not do that. No.

‐Oh, my God. ‐It's a weird sex thing, right?

There isn't enough lube on Earth to make that possible.

Yo, Slender Man.

‐Yes? ‐Are you Kurt?

‐Uh‐huh. ‐Oh.

Are you dating Meg Yakima?

‐No. ‐Wait, no?

‐Meg? ‐Yes.

‐No. ‐Oh.

Boom! Case closed.

We will take two egg creams,

and not the Urban Dictionary kind.

‐Hey, guys. ‐Meg!

You better hook us up with some money,

because we have solved your mystery.

‐Hey, Oliver. ‐Hey, Meg.

Wait, Oliver?

I thought you said you were Kurt.

I am.

Oh, your name is Oliver,

but you are curt.

‐Also literal. ‐Ugh. Mind games.

But you said your guy worked the fountain.

Not this fountain.

Come on.

(gasps) Is this a speakeasy?

Asparagus, catheter, bravo, fondue.

Yes, it's a speakeasy.

See, David? Everything old is new again.

‐It's retro. ‐Totally.

These things haven't been cools since, like, 2007.

(bumping electronic music)

Wowie‐magowie.

This is kind of bumpin'.

There he is.

Wait, so your dude is a topless dancer?

He's very body positive.

‐Damn. ‐Yeah.

I'd deconstruct that text. No homo.

Mm‐hmm.

I'm gonna go say hi.

You guys post up and tell me what you see.

Ugh.

This is the thing that gets me, David.

When we were growing up,

it was so cut and dry.

You were either dating or not.

And if you had sex, you immediately died of AIDS.

Ah. And that is why you've never had sex, right?

Shut up! David, you know

I just broke up with Elaine.

Oh, right, the fake lady from Greensboro?

No, David, the very real district attorney

with whom I had sex several times.

‐Uh‐huh. ‐Before she realized

it was depressing to date a guy

who lived on a broken‐down houseboat.

But houseboats are, like, the coolest thing in the world.

Well, it may surprise you to learn

that accomplished lady district attorneys

do not agree with you.

Uh‐huh, see, this is why

I don't mess with those LDAs.

The point is, why were we even dating?

Why did we even use the term "break up"?

Why couldn't we just have sex

while listening to Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me?

Whoa. You really did that?

Every week, and twice on pledge drives.

Well, well, my favorite detectives

have discovered Fowler's.

‐What up, Tucker? ‐We don't have your money.

No worries.

I'm on the tail end

of a three‐day ayahuasca journey.

It's finals week,

so I won't remember I ever saw you here.

Also, I love you. Who got you in?

Uh, Meg Yakima. You know her?

(laughs) Yes.

An incredible filmmaker.

So we're watching her

thunder‐tongue that dude over there,

and we're trying to figure out

if he thinks they're dating.

Oh, yeah, Kurt. I've seen them together.

Yeah, so, look, Tucker, we don't what dating

even means anymore.

So maybe you could talk to him and, you know, suss things out.

‐Suss. ‐Suss.

Suss. Suss.

Okay, you know what? Maybe not.

Sure, I'll do it. Be right back.

You know, sometimes I miss drugs.

Me too.

Okay, Kurt went to the break room

to reapply his body glitter. What do you think?

Well, you were on your phones

the whole time you were kissing,

so my working hypothesis is you're strangers with benefits.

Is that a thing?

But look what he was sending me this whole time.

‐DAVID: Whoa! ‐A‐ha.

‐DAVID: All right, Kurt. ‐I see.

He's written an E. E. Cummings‐style poem

on his Norton Anthology,

which is definitely not abridged.

‐Cummings. Unbelievable. ‐I know.

That's some pretty solid wordplay for a dick pic, right?

‐He's in AP English. ‐Hmm.

"Dearest Meg,

you turn your boyfriend's lowercase into uppercase."

John, that could be symbolism.

Do you think so, David?

Yeah, literary symbolism or penis symbolism.

Yeah, I got it.

He thinks he's my boyfriend, right?

Yep, and actually, you might be the first person

to ever have a topless dancer

sincerely fall in love with them.

‐Respect.

But Meg, why do you need to know if you're dating or not?

Why put labels on things?

You're young. Go to college.

Enjoy the ambiguity of having multiple sex partners.

Gross! Who are you, my dad?

I'm back!

‐Greetings, Meg. ‐Hey, Tucker.

Meg, I need to tell you.

I was in the break room,

and I spent some time talking with Kurt

and then some time making out with him.

You're out here tripping balls,

and you still seduced someone in, like, two minutes.

Tucker, I honor you.

Namaste.

I can taste my eyes.

But this is good, Meg,

because if Kurt's cheating on you with Tucker,

there's no way he thinks you guys are dating, right?

Wrong. He totally thinks you're dating.

He's SSP/HNM.

Same‐sex polyamorous/ heteronormative monogamous.

Ugh. That is so cliche. How could I be so stupid?

I never should've gone down that waterslide.

Ugh. So what do you want us to do now?

Hey, Meg.

Hey, Tucker.

Okay, what‐‐what are we? Chopped liver?

Hey.

What? Oh, oh.

Sorry. I didn't even see you there.

‐Oh, wow. ‐Damn.

Okay. Cold.

Meg, can we talk in private?

Go ahead.

Anything you have to say,

you can say in front of my two middle‐aged friends.

Oh, are they still here?

BOTH: Hi.

The thing is, I'm breaking up with you.

No, you're not. We were never dating.

I'm pretty sure we were.

Waterslides don't lie.

KIDS: Splash Force!

In any case, I'm moving to LA.

After playing Portal with Tucker's body,

I got a text.

Warner Brothers wants me to direct

an all‐female Gymkata reboot.

Excuse me?

They saw some of my Snapchat videos and were impressed.

But it's an all‐female reboot, and you're a man.

I know.

They said a woman director is too risky.

You're a high school junior!

I think they just wanted a bold, edgy new vision.

‐(growls) ‐Don't be mad at me.

I didn't ask for this.

They just offered it to me without me doing anything.

Yo, Meg, do you need a pommel horse?

Deploy.

Whoa. What are you doing?

(grunting)

Gymkata!

‐(grunts) ‐(all gasp)

Gymkata. Gymnastics meets karate.

ALL: Gymkata! Gymnastics meets karate!

‐Weird. ‐This is the greatest place

in the world right about now.

‐(sirens wailing) ‐Everybody, leave.

‐Cops. ‐(all clamoring)

Well, David, it seems our job is done.

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐Ooh!

I'll give you a ride home.

Car is just over there inside that crystal rainbow.

Uh, how about we call you a cab instead?

Sure.

Thanks. I appreciate your help.

Hey, Meg, as your pommel horse, can I ask you one favor?

Wow. Quest for Fire on VHS. Thanks, man.

No problem, buddy.

You know, I was gonna get Gymkata,

but Meg said by the time their copy was back in stock,

we'd be dead.

‐David? ‐What's up?

Why do Rae Dawn Chong's breasts have human mouths?

Uh, Tucker sold me a quantity of drugs

and I put them in our sodie pops.

A‐ha.

Well, I'm not not enjoying this.

(distorted) It's fun, right?

(retches)

I'm out of here.

‐David. ‐Yeah?

I just made up a new language. You want hear the first word?

Speak.

(gibbering)

Oh, oh, I know this language.

(both gibbering)

‐Oh, David. ‐Huh?

You just ended a sentence with a preposition.