All language subtitles for Dicktown s01e01_English

JOHN: All right, Zeb.
Hand it over.

ZEB: No.

But I just proved that case
belongs to my client.

Did you, though?

Zeb, when are you gonna
cover these tubs, bro?

'Cause this water
is really disgusting.

Okay, David.
Yes, I did prove it.

‐The heat of the car engine...
‐ZEB: Right, right, right.

The fact that starlings aren't
native to the United States.

‐The egg timer.
‐ZEB: Yeah, yeah.

‐We just went through this.
‐I guess you got me.

Right, thank you.
Hand it over.

‐Nah.
‐(groans)

Okay, David.
You're up.

Gimmie.

You touch me, you die.

Okay, Zeb.
Get ready.

I'm about to touch you.

ZEB: Oh, God!

Well, Zeb, looks like
you're all wet.

Oh, my God.

I fucking zinged you
Super Friends style.

Let's go.

Oh, fuck you, man!

I hope you get ass crabs
from my stank‐ass tub water!

(dramatic music)

♪♪ ♪♪

DAVID: You know what, man?
I'm offended.

JOHN: What?

I was trying not
to say anything,

but you did it
again back there.

You said my client and really
you should say our client.

What?
No, it's my client.

And also I don't like how you

still call it
Hunchman Investigations.

‐Ah, ten and two, David!
‐That name sucks.

‐It's my name.
‐Well, it stinks.

What would you call it?

I would call it, like,

Best Friends
Crime Solvers, LLC.

‐(laughs)
‐That's a dope name.

All of those words
are inaccurate,

including LLC, by the way.

‐I am incorporated.
‐Oh, my God.

You sound like PBS right now.
No one gives a shit.

David, look,
I'm a detective.

I've been a detective
my whole life.

I know.

I've been helping you
your whole life.

Helping‐‐how have you
been helping me?

Oh, my God!

By keeping you busy and, like,
drumming up business.

(school bell rings)

And this proves that the real

thief of the class hamster

was David Purfoy.

‐Shut up, nerd.
‐(grunts)

(school bell rings)

And so the great
bubble gum swindle

could only have been pulled off
by David Purfoy.

‐Eat floor, narc.
‐Hey!

(school bell rings)

(sighs)

Need I point out
that the only person

who would bother to melt down

the tae kwon do team's trophy

to make it into a bong
is David Purfoy?

(coughing)

‐Someone else shove him.
‐Hey!

(school bell rings)

You feed off me to survive.

You're like one of those
little birds that lives

on the back of a rhinoceros
eating bugs.

You're talking about
the oxpecker bird?

DAVID: (laughing)
Yeah!

That's so perfect!
You're the oxpecker!

‐I'm not the oxpecker.
‐You're a little oxpecker.

No, you‐‐you're the oxpecker.
I'm the rhinoceros.

‐You work for me.
‐I'm the rhinoceros, man.

‐You're crazy.
‐How is that?

‐Whose car is this?
‐Oh.

DAVID: Whose Fiero
are you sitting in?

JOHN: It's your Fiero.

I can tell because you wrote
your name in Wite‐Out

on the glove compartment.

(rock music)

(doorbell rings)

You knows, sometimes I think
you only think of me as, like,

your muscle.

Yeah, well, I don't wanna
hurt your feelings, David,

but that's right,
you're muscle.

‐Wow.
‐That's what I need you for.

DAVID: Okay.

I mean, Dicktown's
a rougher place.

We're not teenagers anymore.

Uh, crime‐solving
is completely different now.

‐Did you get it?
‐Hi, Tucker.

Yeah, we got it.

(sniffs)

It smells like swimmer's farts.

So what's in that case, anyway?

Next week's AP History exam.

(scoffs)

Well, I'm glad I could help

further the cause of justice.

‐Why did Zeb want them?
‐I don't know.

Some people just want
to watch the world burn.

Also, he had another buyer
at Small Mouth Poly Prep.

Oh, my God.
Those snobs.

We used to call them
Small Dick Probably Pervs.

‐Get it?
‐Yeah.

Anyway, Tucker, about our fee?

Right.
Cash flow problem.

I gotta sell these
before I can pay you.

Oh, come on, Tucker.

I gotta make
house boat payments.

You haven't returned
the drone I rented you.

‐Well, it's in the shop.
‐It's not our fault, Tucker.

Timothy tried
to make love to it.

TUCKER: Who's Timothy?

JOHN: My parents' labradoodle.

I told you not
to tell him about that!

Yeah, the best I can do
right now

is hook you up
with another job.

A kid at school's
being bullied online.

Hmm, a real person
who needs actual help.

‐Yes, and she can pay.
‐Fine.

Forget about the drone
and we're square.

‐It's a deal, detectives.
‐Ah, see?

He said "detectives,"
plural.

He's talking to me
like I'm just his muscle.

That's not fair.

He also needs you
to drive him around

because he doesn't have
a license,

and people actually like you.

Everyone thinks he's a weirdo
'cause he works for teenagers.

‐(laughs)
‐Oh, Jesus, Tucker.

Hey, it's your brand.

Lean into it.

MONICA: I'm the president
of the school cosplay club.

We specialize
in gender/race‐fluid cosplay

from the Pre‐Crisis
DC Universe.

I'm writing that down
to Google that later.

Don't worry, David.
I‐I've got it.

Go on.

We post photos

to an invite‐only
Instagram account,

but two weeks ago,
someone hacked our password

and all these trolls started
spamming our feed with abuse.

Uh‐huh, and what did you do
to provoke them?

‐Whoa, David.
‐What?

Victim‐blame much?

Whoa, John.
Virtue‐signal much?

Enough with the PBS words.

The answer is,
I did provoke them.

I cosplayed as Aquaman.

I don't get it.
Everyone loves Aquaman.

Apparently this troll army
feels I de‐centered

the white male
Atlantis experience,

which I totally did

and they wish
they could handle it.

You know, honestly, Monica,

it sounds like
you're on top of this.

Oh, I am.
We talked to Instagram.

They're shutting it all down,
but there's a ring leader.

Oh, who's the ring leader?

I'm going to assume
it's a cis white male.

His handle
is AltRightPepeMilkman.

Someone's leaning
into his brand.

I just wanna know who he is.

I don't cosplay with a mask

and I don't respect
anyone who does.

Understood.

With great cosplay comes
great responsibility.

We'll find this guy.

Wait, so who are you
cosplayed as right now?

‐David!
‐What?

She's Mon‐El of Daxam.

I don't know
who the fuck that is.

Superboy discovered him.
He thought he was his cousin.

I don't read comic books about
Superboy and his little cousin.

He discovered him on a‐‐
on a Monday,

so he called him "Mon‐El,"
but it turned out‐‐

‐Are you serious?
‐This is true.

Same powers.
Same powers.

From the Legion
of Super‐Heroes.

I don't know what that is, man.

Monica, we'll talk
to you later.

It was really nice to meet you.

We have to go now.

Long live the legion.

Long live the legion.

Heavenly Father,
please forgive these nerds.

Kryptonians are vulnerable
to Kryptonite.

I don't give a shit!

The Daxamites are vulnerable
to lead.

DAVID: I don't care.
Let's go.

(dramatic music)

Oh, yes.
Cyber sleuthing.

Just like the '90s promised.

I'm hunting a bully using only
my wits and fast typing skills,

just like a young
David Strathairn in Sneakers.

Now, I've cross‐referenced
the frequent users

of every Aquaman fan site
I could find.

There are 24,000 candidates.

Seems overwhelming, right?

But look what happens
when I filter for those

who use the words "men's"
and "rights."

‐Damn it!
‐What?

‐This is too freaking hard.
‐What are you doing?

I'm bullying people
on twitter.com,

but it's not the same
because when you describe

giving someone a wedgie,
they think you're being sexy.

Proud White 420 69?

Since when has that
been your Twitter handle?

Since I got a code name
for this sting operation.

How does this help
our case, David?

Okay, I wanted to see if being
a total asshole would help me

make friends with racists
on the Internet.

What, so you think if you're
obnoxious and racist enough,

AltRightPepeMilkman's
just gonna magically

reach out to you?

(phone chimes)
Boom.

‐He literally just DM'ed me.
‐Wow.

"Your tweets are right.
Dicktown sucks.

Vaping rules.
Men have been pussified."

See, he fell into
my honey hate trap.

Is that what he said?
Interesting.

All right,
I'm gonna write him back.

"Hey, do you want to meet up
and talk about Vikings

and tiki torches?"
Send.

David, you didn't need
to send that.

Why not?

We already have everything
we need to track him down.

(tense music)

♪♪ ♪♪

Why are we staking out
a vape shop?

Because based on his tweets,

our suspect has EKOVT.

What's that?

Extensive knowledge
of vaping technology.

‐Exactly.
‐So why this vape shop?

David?

Because he kept talking
about Dicktown

in his messages to me

and anyone else would
call it Richardsville,

so, cogito, ergo sum,
he's local.

I searched Yelp
for every vape shop

within a 5‐mile radius.

It turns out
there are 73 of them,

which is a number
that surprised me, frankly,

but, of them all,

only one has a single
five‐star review.

Yeah, look at this.
Look at this.

"High and Mighty Vape Shop
is righteous,

especially if you want
a little 88 with your 420."

‐Right.
‐Mm‐hmm.

So, 420, it's street slang
for marijuana.

Yes, I know.

And H is the eighth letter
of the alphabet.

88 equals HH
equals "Heil Hitler."

Yes, and Hitler
was a really famous Nazi.

I know that as well.

(in German accent)
Und now we wait.

(giggling)

(in German accent)
And maybe later ve vape.

Oh‐‐oh,
I see what you did there.

Wow, Dad jokes.
That's...oh, God.

(tense music)

♪♪ Vape shop stakeout,
we're living the dream ♪♪

David‐‐David, stop singing.

‐Oh, my God, look.
‐What?

Dude, look at that guy
and his stupid vest.

JOHN: Yes.

DAVID: He's like,
"Oh, I'm late

"for my old‐timey
hot air balloon ride.

It's 1844."

He does seem
surprisingly natty.

Oh, my God.
Is that Charlie?

Do you know him?

He graduated
a couple years ago.

Huge stoner.
He used to be a sloth.

‐Mm.
‐Uh‐huh.

♪♪ ♪♪

‐He works there?
‐Double hmm.

Well, I hope y'all like
fancy mustard,

because it is on
like Grey Poupon.

♪♪ ♪♪

(doorbell chimes)

Charlie?
You look so dapper.

(chuckles)
Monica!

‐I didn't know you vaped.
‐I don't.

‐What you reading?
‐Oh, uh, nothing.

Charlie, are you
AltRightPepeMilkman?

Am I‐I'm sorry, who?

(chuckles)
You know.

The fearless leader

of the anti‐black
Aquawoman resistance.

Um, I'm afraid I don't know
what you mean.

Come on, Charlie.

We were in Godspell together.

All right, Monica!
Fine!

I'm done hiding!

I have a right to exist!

I won't be erased,

the way you erased the proud

white male heritage
of Atlantis!

Oh, Charlie.
What happened to you?

Oh, I graduated.

I saw what life is really like.
(clears throat)

There was a time
in this country

when a white man who didn't
want to go to college

would be handed a great job
working in a coal mine

or a fax machine factory.

That's all gone.
(grunts)

And look at me.

Probably genius‐level IQ
working as the night manager

at Dicktown's
smallest vape shop

in a Jew feminist
SJW world where...

(grunts)

A young white boy
can go on social media

and see a black woman Aquaman

and learn that he might not
grow up to be the hero

of every single story!

That's not a world
I can believe in!

And I will fight
with everything I've got‐‐

(farts)
Oh, God!

ALL: Whoa!

What is that smell, dude?

‐Is that what I think it is?
‐Dude.

Fine, I'll tell you.

My mother tried to make me take

my diarrhea medicine
this morning.

‐And?
‐I reject feminism.

I said no.

And?

And now I have diarrhea.
Big deal.

I'm catching a different kind
of vapor all of a sudden.

‐Oh, snap!
‐Thank you.

You know I'm right, Monica.

The races are different.

The genders are different.

You're dressed as Supergirl,
not Superman.

Actually, I'm dressed
as Superman,

who is himself cross‐dressing
as Supergirl.

‐(groans)
‐My cosplay is the future.

Your cosplay is the past.

BOTH: Nice.

Monica, he admitted harassment.

‐Want me to call 911?
‐No.

It's too pathetic.
Let's go.

Pathetic?

You're the one who's too PC
to have diarrhea!

All right, good luck
with your vikings

and your tiki torches,
ya dipshit.

Hey, wait a second.

You're Proud White 420 69,
aren't you?

You're funny!
You want to hang out?

I'm not trying to hang out
with the racist

who can't make a proper BM.

Face it.
You're just like me.

You know the strong
should dominate the weak.

I don't believe that at all,
you weakling.

Hey!

(doorbell chimes)

Well, Charlie released
the security footage

of you shoving him.

Oh, my God.
Am I in trouble now?

There's already a 10,000‐word
think‐piece on The Atlantic

about whether it's okay
to bully Nazis.

You know, today's the day
I really leaned into my brand.

Which is what?

Muscle.
It's all I'm good at.

That's not all, David.

I mean, you're‐‐
you're likable.

Uh‐huh.

I'm gonna crash here
tonight, dude.

What?
No.

‐I'm crashing here.
‐Go to your parents' house.

I can't go home.

My parents are having
a fondue party.

It gets too sexy.

Oh, you need to get
your own place.

I know,
so pay me some more money.

I'll get the AeroBed.