Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

[Jay] Dylan, let's go.

Hit some balls. Show Mr. Danny what you been working on.

Oh-oh.

-That-- That sometimes counts as one. -One!

[Dylan] But it doesn't right now.

[Danny] Don't swing so hard.

-[Jay] There we go. -There you go!

Yeah!

[Jay] Daddy's turn.

[Danny] Beautiful.

But it's in the bunker.

You should try again.

That wasn't bad.

Try it again.

[Dylan] Wait! No, no!

Oh!

That's trash.

-Really? -Yeah, that's trash.

You're crossing out some rules here.

Number one: Never wear messy jeans.

-These-- -Number two: Tuck your shirt in.

-These-- -Number three:

Don't have your hair like that.

Can I ask you something? Did I do anything right?

No.

-[phone rings] -Uh-oh.

Hey!

-Babe! -What's goin' on?

I'm... l heard from the school.

I'm calling to see if you have Dylan. What's happening? Where are you?

I-I don't have Dylan. I'm here playing golf with Danny.

I'm tuning my game up before the tournament.

Is he in the car with you? Is that who's driving?

Uh, no. No, he's in the...

Hey, Mom!

What's he doing? It's the middle of a school day.

Jay, are you kidding me ? Dylan, are you driving?

-Yeah. -No.

He's not legal. He's seven!

I'm getting another call. Gotta go.

[cackles]

[Jay] We're going to get in big trouble.

-[Dylan] You really need to book a hotel. -Oh, boy.

♪ I been running from the law ♪

♪ Look at them flashin' lights ♪

♪ I been running from the law ♪

♪ Running ♪

♪ From the law ♪

Shh.

[whispering] Listen. Go put your clubs down, okay?

I'm gonna shut the door.

-Don't-- Dylan, look at me. -[Allison] Hello!

Busted.

[Allison] Babe? Dylan?

I hear you.

My mom is Miss Queen of the House.

-She lays down the rules. -She doesn't want us to break them.

Our dad lets us stay up late. He lets us watch TV.

Our dad doesn't really have that many rules,

except for not to annoy him.

[Dylan] Hello.

[Allison] Hi, baby.

Dylan, what have you been doing today?

Daddy was the one fibbing.

He picked me up from school.

Bud, you got to stay in school.

-You can't get behind. -I mean it was in the afternoon.

You know what I'm saying.

All right, Dylan, I need you to go take a shower.

-It's late. -Bye-bye, guys.

-Thank you, Dylan. -Bye-bye.

Really neat to hang out with you. I've been trying to bond.

I wanted to take him out for a father-and-son afternoon.

So we went and we played a couple of holes.

Nothing wrong with taking him out of school,

'cause the kid's in third grade.

-He's actually in first. -Well, whatever he's in.

He's in one of the younger grades and they don't learn much

in the younger grades.

He was in school half a day. Got him out at lunch time.

-That's great. -The guys are coming in this weekend.

D.B's coming in. Jonathan's gonna be here. Rob Riggle's gonna be here.

I know, but every time you get around these guys

you act like you're in the first grade.

Name one time when we ever got outta hand.

We do not have enough time for me to get started with those stories,

and there are books of them.

I've got a group of guys that have been friends for a long time.

When we're in the same city, which is very rare,

we like to hang out.

We do get a little loose and cut up some. No harm.

-A small ounce of self-control-- -[Dylan] You're gonna get drunk!

See? Even Dylan knows.

We don't just drink when all of us are together.

What do you do then?

We... We talk about serious things, about emotions and feelings.

-Of course you do. -Well, we're artistic people

-and we have feelings. -Right.

I've got my meeting this weekend so all those people cannot come over here

-because I have everybody coming. -What meeting are you talking about?

Our pageant meeting.

-The pageant? -Yeah.

We just got past the pageant a couple of months ago,

and now you're already on everybody's asses

to get back together and start planning again.

We have 255 days until the next one.

255? Do you hear yourself?

Give them a bit of a breather.

Not only was I a state title holder,

but my mom and I direct the pageant now,

so it does require a lot of our time.

The pageant is the other man in her life. They're a match made in heaven.

Babe.

I'm trying to get things done. I'm organized.

I have to keep everything on the tracks. There are people involved,

things have to happen and I'm the one that has to facilitate it.

I love you so much,

but this is part of the issue of you being wound so tight all the time.

Have you not learned by now

that all of your planning drives people a little nuts?

-What are you talking about? -What am--?

Camping, birthday party, Thanksgiving.

All of those events were huge successes, thank you very much.

So maybe you're forgetting that they were because someone planned everything.

Please go take a shower.

I need to make sure Dylan's had a shower…

-Look at you. -...Madeline's finished her homework,

and since you got Dylan out of school, you can do his homework with him.

You're a third world country dictator...

-[laughs] -...is what you are.

That's what you are.

I'm doing it looking great. I'll take that as a compliment.

It's not.

You can take it however you want, but it's not.

[snickers]

[instrumental music playing]

-[Miss Jane] Allison? -Hello!

-Hi! -[Chris, Miss Jane] Hello.

-What's going on, everybody? -I've got Chris carrying my shoes.

I'm so glad. I'm happy to hear it.

-I've got Mickey carrying... -Ooh! Hi, doll.

....all kinds of treats.

-We want him to come... -Looks good.

...before us so we can have munchies.

That's what I told him. I said, "Get yourself in here,

so we can get it all set up here."

Is it too early for vodka?

Surely it's five o'clock somewhere.

-We can justify it, right? -[Miss Jane] Thank you.

Chris has been involved in pageants with us for 20 years.

I appreciate that he genuinely loves hanging out with my mom.

They have a great relationship.

He's sweet to her. He's good to her.

Takes real talent, right there.

[Amy] Hello, Allie?

Hi! Well, look at you! Early bird.

-Sit over here between the blues. -Was I supposed to prepare something?

Look at all this. What-- What in the hell are we doing here

-80 months before the pageant? -[Miss Jane] We're not--

We're not gonna talk about the pageant. I'm over the pageant.

Time out, guys.

We should just go on and tell her what we're doing here today.

I... I have an agenda already planned for us.

[Amy] That's great.

But what you don't understand is that this... is an intervention.

I've been trying to back away, to try to, like, I don't know,

set some boundaries? Maybe think about something other than

-your pageant. -I'm trying to get it organized

so when everything gets really crazy, we'll already have these things done,

'cause once we get to June, everybody's gonna go,

"Okay, where's this? Where is that? Do you have this?"

I love you, but this last pageant

-has caused me to drink. -[laughs]

Honestly, I'm just not ready to start planning a pageant again.

I feel like we just finished.

This year has to be bigger. It's got to be better than last year

-and if I'm gonna start building this... -[sighs]

..growing this into a national program,

we gotta start now.

But we're not all like you.

We don't all have to start planning so far in advance.

Have you forgotten what happened in Jackson?

Sometimes you just have to dial the control part down a little bit.

Have you met me?

[Chris] What in the hell?

This is kind of exciting, like an unveiling of a Mona Lisa.

-[Miss Jane] What is that? -[Allison] We need a visual here...

Good Lord.

...because there are things we need to be working on.

[Chris] What in the hell?

But who's going to do all that?

Yeah, where's everybody-- Oh, there they are.

[Miss Jane] Yay!

-[Amy] Everyone's responsibilities. -[MJ] A good picture of me!

So everybody has exactly what they're gonna be working on right here.

Chris, you're gonna be in charge of tote bags and t-shirts and paperwork.

-Paperwork? -Amy, right now, I've got you in charge of

ad page checks, photography, then all the signs...

This is some serial killer stuff like I've never seen before.

I'm just-- I'm having like... twitches.

[Paige] Hello!

Who is it?

[Paige] I am here by request!

-How's everybody doing? -[Amy sighs]

I'm gonna need another one.

♪ Ride a pickup truck to the county line ♪

♪ And the gear in the back Colt .45 ♪

♪ Four wheel drive Raise it up to the sky ♪

♪ The bigger the truck The sweeter the ride ♪

Oh, right in the sand, I think. Yep.

Right in the, uh...

-That's in the sand right there. See it? -Yes, I saw it go in the sand.

I didn't know if you saw it. You can see if from here.

It's not your best shot.

Nope.

-Like everything else. It's off. -What else is off?

What are you talking about?

I just can't get Allison to have some fun with me and relax.

I hear you on that. You gotta remember she's on a routine.

She's got her schedule.

I can't get her to sit down and have a cocktail with me.

You know what I mean? We would sit down in the hot tub

-and have a glass of wine? -Yeah.

That doesn't happen anymore.

If you can't have wine in a hot tub, you got a problem.

What does she like?

[sighs]

She likes... She likes to plan.

There's always something going on at the pageant,

but I don't know how to bedazzle and how to use a hot glue gun.

Hot glue gun? You gotta learn how to do that.

Have you used a glue gun a bunch?

I've never used one, but I feel like

if I was presented with the opportunity, I'd kill it.

The other night I jumped in the bathtub with her.

She had candles lit.

-What are you doing? -I don't know.

-You lost your mind? -She set the mood.

She would have said, "Jay, come and join me."

If she didn't say that, you were not invited.

It was only gonna take me a minute and a half.

That might be why you didn't get invited.

-Nice. -All right.

She stays so stressed out and wound so tight.

I feel like I'm eating one giant poop sandwich.

That's... an awful visual. That's a really bad visual.

That's what it tastes like and feels like.

I don't know what a poop sandwich tastes of--

If I were to imagine what a poop sandwich would taste like...

Stop saying "poop sandwich," painting that picture in my mind

'cause now, I still gotta lot of golf to play.

I don't wanna think about poop sandwiches--

I just want you to know how bad it's gotten.

-Apparently it's poop-sandwich bad. -It is.

-Have you ever done the, uh, naked dance? -Only on the tour bus by myself.

That's not doing anybody any good.

Stand at the foot of the bed and do a naked dance.

-Has it worked? Have you done it? -Not at all.

Let me know how it goes, I'm dying to know.

[upbeat music playing]

Let's get on to this other agenda about the scoring, please.

-[Chris] What's wrong with the scoring? - First of all,

talent is weighted more than anything else--

[Miss Jane] It's important.

It's 35%! I have a proposal.

Interview. Let's bump that up to at least be equal with talent.

-Can we agree with that? -No.

The scoring system is what everybody disagrees about the most,

and here you are bringing it up and wanting to talk about it,

the very person who said they did not want to be here.

I don't want to be here,

but since I am, we might as well be productive

and talk about something that I think is the most important aspect.

When you watch highlight reels on TV,

what's the thing they always show? Evening gowns.

I just want somebody that's pretty,

that's going to get your attention when she walks in a room.

That's why I think her swimsuit is the most important in all the categories.

-What if somebody does fire batons? -If they do, I'm crowning her.

-I love a good twirler. -I love a twirler.

-I love a good baton twirler. -All right, currently talent is 35%.

Interview is 30%.

Evening gown is 15. Swimsuits, 15...

-And it ought to be at least 50. -Chris!

This is why I hate meetings. Everybody's running around in circles,

arguing, we're not gonna get anything done.

-Exactly my point. -Nothing gets resolved.

That's why we have to start now.

This proves my point.

What if we make this 20...

-and this ten? -No!

I would much rather have a bad singer

-than a bad body. -Here's what the public wants.

They want glamour, beauty. They want to see a swimsuit competition.

-Yes. -They want to see a twirl,

and a swirl.

This is why a gown is important!

Oh my gosh! There she is!

Her outfit from Miss Tennessee, 1999.

Here comes the red shimmy dress.

-It's out of the closet again. -What's wrong with that?

I just thought that by now it would be, like, under glass in a museum somewhere,

-like in your basement. -That's not really a bad idea.

Twirl it!

Work it. You look fabulous, Allison.

I came over here for all of us to give you an intervention.

And here we are, like, all worked up, sucked into your game again.

And don't you love it?

Does your mom love pageants more than anything else?

Yes.

What's on my face right now is when she got crowned Miss Tennessee.

[laughs] You weren't even alive.

-She's like... -[harp strumming]

[Paige] For the love of rhinestones,

can we make the evening gown percentage more?

-No! -[Chris] Swimsuits.

Evening gown!

-[Chris] Swimsuits! -Evening gown! Evening gown!

No!

♪ I said I'm leaving ♪

♪ Today's the day I hit the road ♪

♪ Now I'm gonna cut loose ♪

[men speaking loudly, indistinct]

[laughing]

Houston is hot though. They put 53 up last week.

[in pinched voice] Houston has a fantastic team.

[in pinched voice] We've got our hands full. Houston's gigantic.

-[Jay in pinched voice] They hung 53-- -That's how I talked.

Thank you.

And which one is this?

This one is Blanton's.

Blanton's.

Blanton's.

So Rob, I've known for years. We met at a golf tournament.

Jonathan I met years ago at a charity event.

Great actor known for That Thing You Do!

Jeff and I became friends through Rob,

and then D.B. Sweeney I've known for longer than the other guys.

Just really deep thinking guys that give a lot of great life advice.

That's exactly how I would describe them. "Deep thinking."

Minus the "deep,"

and also, minus the "thinking."

Jay, how long have you been back from the road?

I've been back for about um...

Just... just a few weeks, but we literally had no time together whatsoever.

I've had a little trouble reconnecting since I've been back home.

You know, Jeff and I were talking about this earlier and we have a theory.

Maybe some of the trouble you're experiencing with Allie is

the fact that you're wearing her clothes.

[men laughing]

-[Rob] Take that blouse off. -[Jay chuckles]

-Good point. Take the blouse off. -[D.B.] Good place to start.

-This is a golf shirt. -It ain't a man's golf shirt.

[all laughing]

I hate you. I don't know why I invite you here.

His friends are kind of weird because they're so old.

They're like 87.

I have no clue how old they are, but they're probably as old as my granny.

When you first started dating, was it ever just spontaneous,

and wild or has she always been very regimented and very planned?

She was pretty planned and pretty, like, regimented,

but used to fly by the seat of her pants more easily.

What if I whisk her away to Mexico, down to the beach?

-That's a terrible idea. -Why?

It's a lot of travel. Stressful. You're gonna fight.

Once you get down the beach, take your shirt off,

people are gonna throw spears in your side.

[snickers] What?

[men laughing]

Someone had to say it, Jay.

I've gained a couple of road pounds but I'm not big.

If that's what you have to say to yourself.

I don't know what they're talking about.

I looked in the mirror, I did not see a fat person.

[Jay] Okay, I'll take my shirt off.

I don't know if we're set up lighting-wise, but I'll do it right now.

Thank you, babe. That's so good.

-I'm just saying. -Yeah, no need to overshare.

You gotta come up with one simple thing you can do.

Remind her of the good old days, of the fun.

[Rob] Exactly.

What's it going to be, fat boy?

[all laughing]

[Jay] Can I get another drink?

Gown! Gown! Gown! Gown!

Or a swimsuit?

-Absolutely not! -[Chris] Or a swimsuit!

-Crystals and chiffon. -[Chris] Putting a girl in a swimsuit,

-is always, always-- -No, absolutely not!

-[arguing loudly] -[phone rings]

[Chris] It's Jay. It's Jay.

-[Amy] Who is it? -Hello?

[Ray] Hello?

-Hi! -What are you-- What are you doing?

-Don't you love girls in swimsuits? -Don't ask him that. He's straight.

-[Amy] Your wife has lost her mind. -[Chris] Save us.

Wait, you're doing what?

You-you guys are already throwing a party,

so I'm gonna bring-- I was gonna bring the guys anyway.

There's no party. We're having a meeting right now.

-See you in a minute. -Oh my gosh.

We have got to solve female empowerment now.

I need everyone to be empowered to clean this place up

because these guys are coming!

When I'm having guests over, I want to entertain,

and get out nice things.

I want them to use a monogram napkin and I want it to look pretty.

They're themed. The black ones for the kitchen,

the brown ones for this room.

Drunk men are extremely concerned about monogram napkins.

They should be.

[Jay] Babe, what's going on? What's going on?

-Hi, Jay-Jay. -Hey!

-What are you doing? -[Rob] Hello!

[Miss Jane] Great, the whole crew's here. Whoo!

I didn't know everybody would be here.

-You look so pretty. -How are you doing?

-It's just a casual evening. -[Amy] Oh, my gosh. Hi!

Hi! What's up?

The one thing I didn't want was for you to bring everybody here.

You know that I love for you to hang out with your friends,

but the key word was go "out" with your friends.

Baby, you fell in love with me because I was a fun guy.

I used to bring the party to you.

What did I do this time?

Brought the party to you.

What's fun for you is not always fun for me.

Remember camping?

-That was-- You had a great time. -Sleeping outside in a tent?

Yes, it was awesome.

You didn't sleep outside in a tent,

but told everybody it was gonna be so fun.

Now you're splitting hairs.

[sighs]

-Babe, y'all smell great! -Thank you so much.

Rob and I played golf earlier.

And Rob, what else did y'all do?

We, uh... What did Jay say?

He said you played golf but what else?

This is good bread. Better than most bread.

[Amy laughs]

How much did y'all drink today?

-Babe, let me see your eyes. -It smells like a distillery in here.

These boys are drunker than Chris during the on-stage question category

of the pageant.

I watched Jay make a ham sandwich in his mouth.

[mustard sputters loudly]

[groans]

Jay?

-[Jeff] Hello! -[Rob] How's it going?

-Rob, this is my mom. -Hi. It's so nice to meet you.

Come on. Get it in there. There you go.

-This is my friend, Rob. -My friend, Chris.

It's an all-you-can-eat buffet!

I'm embarrassed that you have on white pants and it's after Labor Day.

-[Miss Jane] Miami Vice over here. -[indistinct conversation]

I mean...

That golf blouse is the ugliest thing I've seen in my life.

[men laughing]

[Jay] I think that Allison,

when she's in a place to where she's not in control

of every single thing, it makes her uncomfortable.

Everything doesn't have to be planned out to the T all the time because guess what?

Life doesn't come neatly packaged in a bow.

Show everyone that way, please.

What is all of this right here?

This is what we're here having a meeting about

till you all so rudely interrupted us but…

[Rob] There's stuff on the back!

[Jay] Let me see it.

[woman gasps]

-[Jay] Sorry. -[Allison] Seriously?

-Sorry. -Babe, look I'm--

I'm sorry.

-Babe? -Sorry.

-Put it down. -Turn it.

I really didn't need anybody to do any of this. Please?

-If you swing around... -I'm--

[Jay] Hold on!

[guests moan]

It's all good. Don't worry.

We were not making any progress.

If you can't beat 'em, you might as well join 'em.

-[sighs] -They came at just the right time.

[Amy] Don't look so nervous.

Are you ready?

♪ Hey now, gather round Everybody look here ♪

♪ Hey now, gather round Everybody look here ♪

Amy...

♪ Look here, gather round ♪

Seriously?

♪ Everybody stand down Gather round, look here, look here ♪

♪ Sick party going down here ♪

♪ Gather round ♪

[Jay playing piano]

[music ends]

[guests cheering]

Yes!

[glass shattering]

[guests] Oh!

-[man] Hey! -[man 2] Hey! It's your party now!

[guests clamoring]

♪ Hey now, gather round ♪

♪ Give me the broken glass Give me your broken glass ♪

♪ Give me the broken glass Give me... ♪

-[Amy] Mazel! -Now look here!

I think Jay's in big trouble.

Shit has hit the fan, you better find an umbrella.

[Jay] Allie?

Baby?

Baby, where did you go?

-Allie? -What? I'm here.

-Everybody's wondering where you went! -I'm right here.

All of a sudden, everybody wants to sit down

on all of my things that I prepared and put together for this meeting,

jump over my vision board... I mean, babe, come on.

I feel like if the roles were reversed, you'd be very upset about this.

This all is really important to me.

Maybe there is a little bit

of over-the-top-ness with what you're doing here.

The living room is completely full of pageant stuff.

We can't even move in there.

I didn't know you were coming.

-I understand. -And you act like it's just so trivial

-and nobody cares. -No.

-The problem... -What are you doing?

-That it's important to me. -Wait!

You've got guests. Sit down.

Let me talk to you.

I was just trying to explain that this is important to me.

Now, you know, every married couple has problems.

You're real rigid. You... You make your schedule out,

and you're just kind of fly by the seat of your pants.

"Think we'll have some golf today" or "I'll call my buddies over.

-Let's come over and have a drink." -This is getting one-sided now--

-It is because she's my daughter. -Okay.

You've got to have a balance between the two of you.

Let's get up and you need to get back out there where your friends are,

and just don't do that again.

-I promise I'll be there in just a second. -You can take your time.

-Thank you. -Get out that red dress. I'm tired of it.

I understand exactly what you're saying. I'm sorry.

I just don't want you to make me feel like everything that I do is so silly.

It's important to me

because it's something that I do with my mom and my sister,

that I used to do with my dad.

I mean, I try and support every single thing that you do.

Fantasy Football.

-God knows you spend a lot of time there. -Let's-- Ease up.

-Metal detecting? -I understand.

Maybe they need a little pause

between the ending of the pageant this year

and the beginning of the pageant for the next year.

Just a little window.

Just cut loose and have a little bit of fun.

These guys are a lot of fun.

Listen, I get it. I understand.

I know I need to loosen up and not worry about the rules all the time.

I just wish that I'd had some time to plan

-for everybody to come over. -Oh, my God. Planned spontaneity?

-Yeah. -We've learned nothing here.

Apparently, we still have a lot of work to do.

Yes, you do.

"We" meaning "you."

♪ That's you and me ♪

♪ What a beautiful melody ♪

I love you, and I love that dress too.

Thank you.

You look like a Christmas tree.

-It's the only one I've worn repeatedly... -I know.

-...my whole life. -Everybody knows.

-I know. -We've been reminded.

I know.

-I love you. -I love you.

-Let's go. Come on. -All right.

[Jay playing piano]

It's time to perform. You ain't got that dress on for nothing.

-Do your thing. -I can't perform like this!

♪ She likes attention likes to shimmy In her little red dress ♪

♪ She likes to move ♪

♪ She likes to groove ♪

♪ Oh my girl is shakin' in her boobies ♪

♪ Shakin' in her boobies ♪

♪ With them tassels on ♪

♪ Shakin' in her boobies ♪

♪ With them tassels on ♪

-[glass shatters] -[guests cheering]

["Do It Our Way" by Andrew Nicholas Love playing]

♪ We'll soar Above it all ♪

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

♪ We'll do it our way ♪

♪ Our way now ♪

♪ Hey ♪