Original subtitles

[happy music playing]

[doorbell rings]

Oh, God.

-Here we go. -[doorbell rings]

I'm coming.

Glitter, unicorns, rainbows.

Holy crap.

A lot of sugar right there.

God, that's heavy.

-How's it going? -What's going on?

-Got a few packages for you there. -Okay.

-I'll take these, grab the clipboard. -Awesome. Thank you.

Okay.

-Thanks, man. -Got a few more coming.

-[man 2] Hey. -How you doing?

-That's heavy. -Oh, boy.

A couple of these...

A couple more.

-Thanks. -Got them?

-Appreciate it. -Oh, couple more coming.

You guys ha--

Okay.

-You got it all right? -Yeah, got it.

-Thanks. -We got more.

-Is that it, guys? -You got more back there.

I had two cups of coffee, gonna have to poop soon.

[man] We're gonna have to do this quicker.

♪ Try me ♪

♪ 'Cause I might be the one You're looking for ♪

♪ Try me ♪

♪ 'Cause love just may be Knocking at your door ♪

[Jay] God Almighty.

I'm gonna shift the table over and then put the two smaller,

-dining tables right here. -[Paige] God.

-Hi, babe. -Hi.

-Come here. -Look at him.

I know.

-Ain't he precious? -Hi, buddy.

-Hey, Jay. -How are you?

-Just trying to make it. -Look at my man Zach here.

-[Allison] Yes. -This is adorable.

They're real adorable until about 3:00 a.m.

I miss this size so much.

-Just-- It goes by so quick. -The nights don't.

Look at Madeline over there, how little she was.

-It wasn't that long ago. -I know.

When she arrived here in the world, she had your hair from 2004.

Can you believe it?

That's what made you fall in love with me. Right?

Oh!

He's covering his eyes. He doesn't wanna see all this

all over table and counter.

At the party, we're gonna decorate gingerbread houses.

How many kids are coming?

Four.

Every year, Madeline gets so excited about her birthday party--

One year, we had a guy show up out of nowhere with a truckload of trees,

and turned the whole living room into a forest.

He didn't come out of nowhere, he came from the nursery.

I'd rented a hundred trees and a hundred bushes

so that everything would feel like you were in the forest.

We still have birds flying around in the house.

-They didn't bring in birds. -They did.

Someone let a bird in.

No, no, those were authentic birds for the authentic forest

that my wife has built for an 8-year-old's birthday party.

She was five.

Whatever the birthday was.

Why even have a party? I don't see the point.

You gotta celebrate, have fun.

I'm not gonna have a birthday party for my kids.

You're not gonna have a party? You need to have a party.

Paige's twins are miracle babies.

And they're about to turn one,

and I'm just so happy for her that they're here.

They went through so much to have these children.

Our babies are miracle babies, too.

We had them without having sex.

I don't know, I'm not having a kid's birthday party.

-They don't even remember it. -You do.

I'm making all this stuff, y'all. It's not that expensive.

That's the most ridiculous thing you've ever said. "Not that expensive."

I know better than that. I'm gonna make a deal with you.

Can I use this pad?

[Paige] I'm not having a birthday 'cause all my friends, everybody I know,

they're grandmas.

I'm old as dirt!

[Allison] It does not matter. The first birthday

is really about you celebrating making it through their first year.

Here's the budget for the party.

-Okay? -[Allison] Babe...

If you don't stick to a budget, I'm gonna put limits on the cards.

[gasps] Shh!

I had a friend,

and her husband did that to her, put those limits.

-That's what I'm gonna do. -She found a new husband.

See?

Did she not have sex with him either?

Oh, ha ha. Jay, would you please, like,

watch the touchy subjects with the children, please.

-[Jay] Bye-bye. -Listen.

There are two "F" words in life that are really bad, Delta Paige.

One of them's "frugal."

[gasps]

[country music playing]

[Jay] Baby?

Hey, baby?

Yes?

What is that you're rubbing on your face?

It is a GloPRO.

What does it do?

Stimulates co-- What are you talking about?

Look at your eyes.

It's like, reflecting.

"Apply generously," it said.

Well, job well done, babe.

-Hey. -Hey.

I really did love holding those babies today.

You held those babies for, like, two minutes and you left.

It was long enough though to realize that I miss hanging out with our babies.

Having baby babies.

-Uh, is that rolling pen on your face? -Mm-hmm. Basically.

I have missed so much

being gone on the road with our babies,

that I honestly...

I wouldn't mind having another baby.

We have talked about this before.

-Well-- -We're too old for that.

I don't think it'd be that big of a deal.

I don't.

I think that you've lost your mind.

I'm not the one wearing a Pomeranian on my feet.

I'm just trying to keep my feet warm.

Will you do me a favor and at least

think about having a baby maybe?

Babe, if you're trying to turn me on, talking about having another child

is really not a great idea.

Can't a man have both? A baby and some sweet, sweet loving?

-Is that too much to ask? -Yes, it is.

Okay.

["I'm Free" by Carlton Hayes & Martha Bean playing]

♪ 'Cause I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, yeah ♪

♪ Now I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, I'm free, yeah ♪

-Hi! -Oh, hey.

Look at you here, like, ten minutes early for the pick-up.

Somehow, I make it on time everyday to places

and I don't get any credit.

-Always late. -Should we say hi to Izzy?

-I brought her for pet day. -Yes.

-Hi. -Hi, Izzy.

-What's going on? -Say, "Hi, Aunt Allie."

How's the party coming?

Jay is off on me about how much it all cost

and all this stuff.

-[laughs] -I mean, please.

-Oh, my gosh, Jay. -He's met Mother.

There is no reason to start now

-with a birthday party budget. -And then last night, Jay springs on me

that we should have another child.

Oh, my God!

Thank you.

-I mean, I told him I'm too old for that. -I cannot--

-Yes, so old. -Waking up in the middle of the night...

You cannot do this again. [laughs]

So, he has-- He's just not thinking about that.

I can't even get the two kids from point A to point B.

And he's gone...

and you're doing it by yourself.

Let's nip this thing in the bud, okay?

I think you should put Jay through the gauntlet.

You should hand the kids over to him for a week.

Wake up to bedtime.

Jay would never survive.

"Jay, can you go pick Madeline up from dance?

-Take Dylan--" -"Where does she dance?

-I don't know how to get here." -"Can you take the kids to school?"

"I don't even know where to park.

Which driveway? There are nine. I don't even know how to get there."

I think Jay wants to have another baby

-'cause he thinks he's getting old. -He thinks

as they age, they're not gonna think we're cool anymore...

-He's worried about that. -Mh-hm.

-And Jay-- -He thinks that they think he's cool now?

Well, they do still now.

If we put him through the wringer,

this isn't gonna last more than a day.

-Let's go get the girls. Tick-tock. -All right.

[cheery music playing]

[Jay chuckles]

What in the world?

You've got to be kidding me.

Look at this.

What are you doing?

There's ten times more stuff here than there was yesterday.

It's just all coming together. What do you mean?

How many cakes do we need?

Everybody's gotta decorate a cake.

[Jay] Everybody gets a cake

on top of the cake she gets for her birthday?

-They were two for one. -Who are these kids? Do I know them?

One child, she has diabetes.

Okay, so she doesn't even eat this shit.

-Oh, my God. -We could take one of these cakes back.

And then, we've got one with a nut allergy.

Have you had your nut allergy checked out lately?

It seemed to come on right after we had Dylan.

-Just saying. -I have too much to do this week.

Which reminds me,

I'm gonna need some help from you this week.

I've got to go to the cake place,

but the bakery's only open super early. I need you to take the kids to school.

I can do that. Just lay out their clothes.

I don't have time to lay out clothes. Then you'll grab them from school.

W-W-Wait a minute, what time do they get out of school?

Three-- Three something? 3:15?

Three o'clock.

Then you'll run Madeline to dance.

While she's there, Dylan will be at flag football, he has tournament...

They closed West Porch off...

You have to grab them, I've gotta go meet my mom...

She has ballet first, then hip-hop, then tap.

They're not that far, but since it's high traffic time...

I would get to the hook-up line 2:30

because those moms...

I don't know why people get in line at like two o'clock.

All right. I'll do the best I can do.

-[doorbell rings] -You'll be fine.

Will you run to the door and grab that?

Oh, my God.

[sighs] Babe!

Yeah?

Where do you want the giant rainbow candy arch?

["Highway 10" by Travis Howard playing]

♪ In a big blue pickup truck ♪

♪ Going to town Headed east on Highway 10 ♪

[Madeline] Why were you late picking me up?

I wasn't that late picking you up. It was like 4 minutes.

You're supposed to pick him up early so you can pick me up on time.

Well, who--? Who knows to do that?

-I don't know how to do that. -You should.

How was soccer? Is that where I picked you up from?

Or-- Or flag football?

Do you not know the difference? When I have shin guards on,

that means I go to soccer.

I didn't know. Haven't played in a long time.

What are you doing back there?

Eating a snack.

-You're gonna ruin your dinner. -You didn't pack me anything for lunch.

Lord, yes, I did, and you chose not to eat it.

Well, you gave me something that I couldn't even eat.

You put the peanut butter on the PB and J.

[Maddie] Can't have peanut butter, there's allergies at school.

What's with these nut allergies?

I'm sorry, buddy.

Mommy didn't give real specific instructions.

[Dylan] It's not her responsibility to tell you everything.

If you wanna get used to taking care of us,

you need to get used to our daily routine.

Let me ask you something.

-[Maddie] Yeah. -[Dylan] Yep.

Would you guys like another baby brother?

I would like a baby sister, not brother.

-[Jay] You want-- -I want a brother.

Little brothers are just annoying.

-Brother! -No. No. Brothers...

Brother!

I think we should try to talk Mommy into having another baby, okay?

-She can't have another baby. -Why?

'Cause she's, like, just too old.

What?

What happens when you get old?

You should ask somebody that's old.

I'm asking somebody that's old right now.

Thank you, Dylan.

Hi, guys, my name is Jay.

[chuckles]

[Maddie and Dylan] ♪ Daddy's old ♪

Thanks, guys.

♪ Daddy's pissing his pants ♪

[cheery country music playing]

[Paige] Hope these are free samples.

-We are here to pick up a birthday cake. -Okay.

It is a candy theme, and we cannot wait to see it.

-Yes. Let me go get that for you, okay? -Okay, thanks.

Look how much you've done for this party.

I'm serious. I believe this party costs more than my wedding.

No. But we couldn't have a Candyland with one piece of candy.

I need the whole Willy Wonka factory.

Think we should get some of those and decorate those?

-How much are those a piece? -$4.50.

-4 dollars, 50 cents? -Yes, ma'am.

-What did you think they were? Pesos? -Why not just go to Walmart

and get those cookies on a row, cut them up?

Not doing that for this party. It's gotta be cuter than that.

Spending all this money over the top on cookies and cakes and candies.

This is ridiculous.

Ma'am, what's this flavor?

-That is the coconut palm. -Coconut?

-Anybody allergic to coconut? -I'm sure. We just don't know it yet.

Jay told me I had a nut allergy.

-[laughs] -I swear he did.

He's been trying to talk me into having another baby.

Why not?

"Why not?"

You got the money to have another baby. You're younger than me.

It's like going to the gynecologist.

You stick your legs in the air, you feel a sting,

it's over before you know it.

I'm serious.

But you still have to parent the child the rest of your life.

I can't go through that. It took us so long to have Madeline.

I swear, every single time I had to take an IUI and then we got back:

"You're not pregnant."

That emotional roller coaster.

I just remember being on that, and it was horrible.

Absolutely horrible.

I hated the shots, I hated the way that I felt.

I didn't feel like it was my own body. You went through egg retrieval.

One of the most painful things ever.

But the whole point is, I would not have done it

if you hadn't told me to do it.

You sent me back to the doctor and I got two babies.

I would not have went through this.

I love you, Paigey. You needed to do it.

I know this is difficult for Paige.

She went through her own battle with infertility, miscarriages.

She's been through the depths.

So, all the more reason to celebrate.

That's why I think that having a party is so important

because it took us three years to have Madeline,

and we felt so excited to be parents

that I've just always tried to celebrate big.

The last time that my whole family was actually together

was at her sixth birthday party.

And my dad felt horrible. And he dragged himself there.

And those are the last pictures I have of my dad with my babies.

You needed to be a mother.

You needed that.

I have two children, I don't need another baby.

I'm already trying to raise Jay. He's my third child already.

So, I've got three. I don't need another baby.

You can do a party on whatever scale,

but celebrate them 'cause you're lucky to have them

and you're lucky to have your mom and dad, and they're healthy.

Your dad comes to your house and helps you do stuff.

I think I need to order pizza, bake a cake and turn my phone to portrait mode.

[laughs]

[cheery music playing]

[cheery music deflates]

What in the--?

Hey. You guys...

Have you seen where Mommy put all the decorations for the party?

What are y'all doing?

I'm doing my homework.

What kind of homework you got, buddy? Let me see.

-Eight times eight. -You know what eight times eight is?

-Sixty-four. -Sixty-four.

-Is it? -[both] Yeah.

-Siri, what is eight times eight? -Is this how you do all your homework?

It's 64.

-Told you. -All right.

-See, I'm smart. -Simple math, guys.

[Dylan] I need help with this.

The sum of the positive number is four

and the sum of the square is 28.

-What are the two numbers? -Oh, gosh.

Four and 28? Four...

Um... What are you, Heisenberg over there?

Sounds like too confusing of a problem.

Okay, then answer this.

-Okay. -Vera and Vicky are sisters.

Vera is four and Vicky is 13 years old.

What age will her sister be when Vicky is twice as old as Vera?

Let me tell you about school these days.

No one can understand what anybody's being taught anymore.

They've got newfangled ways of teaching kids how to do stuff.

I learned one way how to do it

and all of a sudden, I feel like I'm the dumb one.

Twenty-seven.

-No. -That's what it is.

I feel like you're-- You're just guessing.

No, I'm not guessing. It's 27.

Daddy's the fun guy.

Just not the type of guy who knows how to do math like Mommy.

Let x represent the number of weeks and y represent the total--

No, I'm not doing that.

Daddy doesn't know 'cause he went to school so long ago,

and he didn't even finish his whole year of college.

[Jay] I heard that!

[both laughing]

[Jay] I'm gonna go in here

-and fix your lunch. -[Maddie] Good.

-I don't think I will. -Won't get help!

I thought Dad would be a lot smarter.

["Big & Loud" by Nick Nolan playing]

♪ I love you ♪

♪ Big and loud ♪

-All right, I got some mac and cheese. -Wrong brand.

Gotta eat broccoli. I'm gonna broil it.

-[Maddie] No, Daddy! -[Dylan] No!

You have to eat vegetables.

[Dylan] Ew!

Let's not scream. Daddy's head's hurting.

-Okay? -Your head's always hurting.

-Sure does. -I know, I live with your mom.

-[James] Hello! -[Maddie] Hi.

[Dylan] Hey, Ava.

[James] What's going on? Whoa!

Willy Wonka threw up in here. What's going on?

[Jay] Right? Nice, huh?

Dude, this is impossible, man.

Running all over hell and creation to every activity they have.

-Yeah. -I'm about ready to jump off a bridge.

I feel I've aged 5 years in the last days,

-running with these kids. -You do have new grays.

That-- Now, that's hurtful. You shouldn't say that.

They've bitched about every single thing.

Don't cut your finger off, Mr. Bass Player.

You don't need a knife, it's a box.

Are y'all messing up our decorations?

Guys, what's happening?

I'm trying to make dinner here for them.

Nobody wants to eat anything.

I got macaroni and cheese. They don't like this brand of nuggets.

I've been running since early this morning.

Oh! Welcome to the party.

I am not surprised that Jay was completely tapped out when we showed back up.

I did think it would take one more day.

It's like a world record.

You got this.

You're killing it.

Great job there.

[Amy laughs]

[Jay] You know? You do all this.

Clean up, too.

Seriously? You can't make some broccoli?

I don't feel like making broccoli,

gluten-free chicken tenders, making a baby.

-I don't feel like making anything. -Make me a cocktail while you're there.

-Come down. -I'm coming.

[Jay] Night, night.

I thought you wanted to make a baby.

[cheery country music playing]

[Paige] Mickey, get that there.

-[Mickey] I'm trying! -Hurry.

I'm going as fast as I can.

At what-- When do we need to put the chicken in?

Well, not till about 30 minutes before they're ready to eat.

[Paige] You need to stay organized.

-I am organized. -Organized, my ass!

Well, no, not your ass. Your mouth.

For whatever reason, guess I lost my mind,

I have decided to ask Mickey and Paige

if they would both help me with the party.

[Paige] Stop trying to act like a queen!

[Mickey] I'm gonna be a queen in a minute.

[Allison] Between those two,

they will always combust when they're together.

Why I thought this was a good idea, I do not know.

We've got to get all that stuff plated.

-We'll get it all done. -Mickey, that's the doorbell.

-Go get the doorbell. -Oh, hell!

-Get in there and get it, Mickey. -I'm moving, sister.

-What is it, Mickey? -It's just more stuff.

-[Paige] Gosh! -[Allison] What's in there?

-Oh, my gosh. Okay. -This is more stuff than the county fair.

They go in specific spots now.

-Don't start throwing balloons. -Oh, Lord.

That's not what this is about. It's about specific places.

I tell you...

Look how cute all this looks!

-He's got two or three more trips. -How much stuff have you got?

I pay a quarter a piece for those, don't throw those away.

Well, I-- Heaven forbid.

She'll spend $2,500 on a damn pair of shoes.

She's worried about a balloon here.

You put the chairs on the wrong end.

-This one's Madeline's. -Honey...

[Paige] Are we supposed to wear these while we get ready?

No. Put those back! I've steamed them.

Those are for the girls.

Mickey, you didn't finish the suckers!

[Mickey] Listen, if I hear my name said one more time,

I am about to spit some nails.

[doorbell rings]

Hey, I'm Cookie G.

Hi.

-Come on in. -Thank you, sir.

Every party, my wife hires... characters.

They're probably right around the corner.

[Jay] Kids love it, I don't get it.

This giant gingerbread man staying in character and voice the whole time...

Where are the kids at?

...and it was creepy.

[doorbell rings]

[Allison] Madeline, your friends are here!

-[kids] Happy birthday! -[Maddie] Hi!

[Allison] Yay!

-Hi, guys. You look so cute. -Hi.

-Say "candy." -[all] Candy!

Yay! Who's ready to go and do some fun activities?

[kids] Me!

[Allison] That looks precious, Ava. Whoa!

-Dylan, what's yours gonna be? -Hi, girls.

Dylan, what are you making, buddy?

Don't dump all the sprinkles out.

It's diminishing returns now, bud. Diminishing returns.

-[James] Well, hello. -[Ava] Hi, Dad.

-What's going on? -[Allison] Hi!

[character] Hi, kids. It's Cookie G!

-How are you? -The hell is that?

-Cookie G. -Cookie G?

How you doing, buddy? Hi!

What up, G?

-Oooh! -[girl] We love you.

Oh, yeah?

♪ Happy birthday to you ♪

-Yay! -[Jay] I love you so much.

-I love you, too. -Happy birthday.

I will say, to see how excited she is,

with all of her friends and the smile on her face...

it makes it all worth it.

-Like, how much? -Easy.

Y'all are artists.

I understand now a little more why she goes all out.

Yeah, look at the results.

-It's amazing. -It's pretty incredible.

-[kids laughing] -[Amy laughing]

I mean, it's over-the-top,

but in the best possible way.

-We won't be finished cleaning by January. -[laughs]

[Cookie G.] Wait, no! Don't bite the cookie!

[Jay] Dylan, don't tear his head off!

["Do It Our Way" by Andrew Nicholas Love playing]

♪ We'll soar ♪

♪ Above it all ♪

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

♪ We'll do it our way Our way now ♪

♪ Hey! ♪