Original subtitles

[birds chirping]

Tell me about what this is. Is this an "All About Me" board?

Yeah, it's for school.

What'd you put down if you did one for me?

-You are 47 years old. -Mm-mm. You don't need to talk about...

that part of it. Well, what are my hobbies?

Well, your hobbies are singing...

-Uh-huh. -...and, um, drink stuff.

Uh, cocktails.

[laughs]

Are you excited for fall break coming up?

-Yeah. -Me too. What do you want to do?

Go to Bora Bora.

-What? Bora Bora? -Yup.

-Do you know what Bora Bora is? -Maddy!

No, Mommy just showed me last night.

-Hi, Avie. -Hey, Ava-bear.

[Ava] What are you working on?

-Um, school project. -[Amy] Morning!

Hi, Jay-Jay.

-Hi. -How is it going?

-Hi, Maddy-boo. -Hi.

-What are you doing? -Maddy's "All About Me" board.

Oh! Well, happy Fall break. Do some homework, Madeline.

She said she wanted it out of the way.

We didn't really make any plans.

[Jay] We should do something fun this year.

-Like what? -Skiing, Colorado.

Yes!

I don't think Mommy would like any outdoor...

What else could we do? I like the skiing and white water rafting.

-That's outdoorsy. -Camping!

-[Amy] It's not a bad idea. -Not a bad idea.

I'm not sure we're gonna get Allie on board.

[Jay] If we're united, she'd get on board.

-Maddy, would you go camping? -No.

I'd have to sleep on the ground and there's no air conditioned,

and it's gross.

Ew! I'm having second thoughts about this trip.

It was your idea!

♪ Everyone can sing along ♪

♪ It's good to go Oh, don't you know ♪

♪ I love you so ♪

-What's happening? -[Amy] Hey!

-Hi. -[Jay] How are you?

They're being mean to you.

They say you never let them do anything that they want.

-Thanks, guys. Appreciate the love. -[Amy] No, no, no.

That's not what happened.

-That's... -How are you?

-That's not accurate. -That's--

That's not what happened Thank you for that hug.

You're welcome.

-Allison can be a lot of fun... -If she wants to be.

...when she's around people she likes.

But giving up control... I... I don't know.

That's a whole other issue.

Asking her to give up control is like asking

Dolly Parton to sleep on her stomach.

[laughs]

-It's impossible. -[snickering] True.

[Allison] Look at this. Girl power!

-How beautiful. -[Amy] I love it.

We were thinking we'd go camping.

-Camping? -That board looks fantastic.

-[Amy] Fall break's coming up. -[Allison] Yeah.

-You never let us plan anything. -That's a good point.

It's going to be great to get outside in the fresh air.

[Jay] I didn't grow up going camping.

I wanna take my kids camping, I want to experience that together,

and maybe show our kids

that something else exists besides the comforts of a hotel room

and... Egyptian cotton.

This isn't actually a vacation.

It is a vacation.

No, it is a relocation, not a vacation.

I don't know what you're talking about. We're not gonna live there.

Camping gets us outdoors.

It gets the whole family involved in the trip,

and you're not just reliant on room service and massages.

You actually have to get up and move around and do shit.

The most outdoorsy thing that Jay does

is sit outside on the patio and watch football with a drink in his hand

and, like, worry about his hair blowing in the wind.

I don't know what he thinks he knows about camping.

You have no bathrooms, no air conditioning...

I'll dig a hole to go into,

and you throw dirt on the top of it.

-Allison... -Mother took me to Brownie camp

and I had to use the bathroom in the yard,

and I did not go back.

I went too, that was a horrible experience.

That's not the same thing as camping.

But here's the thing.

You've never been camping. You've never been camping.

I... I've trained with Navy SEALs.

Jay, that was for, like, two hours

-for a movie scene. -Mm-mm.

That is not like you've lived with them and do the things that Navy SEALs...

-I've been camping. -They taught me a lot.

In hair and makeup?

I think this all sounds good and well,

but if I don't make the plans, it's not gonna get done.

Let us make some plans.

Okay. Tick-tock guys. I can't wait to hear how that goes.

♪ Hey hey You can take him away ♪

♪ Because I don't much care For a city boy ♪

♪ I like blue jeans And a Jim Beam ♪

♪ You need a country man ♪

Babe, what is all of this?

Just getting ready to go camping.

-Oh, my God. -What is-- What is that?

They're a couple things I didn't wanna fold.

God. I got everything you need here in your bug-out bag.

I've got knives, I've got a machete in here.

These backpacks are so heavy. It's like we're going to Afghanistan.

I can't even pick that up. I'm not a wimpy girl.

-Gonna put this on your back. -Looks heavier than Dylan!

Put your arm through, you're going to be good.

-Babe! -Yeah, that's good.

Then... Then we buckle this here.

Jay, you're-- I'm literally about to fall over.

I got you.

-Okay, lean against the truck here. -Jay!

-Okay, you're good. -No, I'm not good!

I'm throwing in everything I can think of that we'll need on a camping trip.

I don't want you to have to wipe your rear end with leaves.

I've got everything that I think would make you comfortable

in an outdoor situation.

[Mickey] Hey, y'all. Here's some of the food.

-Oh! Great! -[Jay] What?

Look at this beautiful basket I got.

-[Allison] I love it! -With all this pâté.

Mickey's not a classically trained chef,

but he can cook the shit out of anything.

-We can't use a picnic basket! -[Mickey] Ain't that beautiful?

-We talked about this! -We didn't talk about jack shit!

Now, he gets real flustered, so I do need him popping xannies like Tic Tacs,

but if I have to be planning something at the last minute,

I gotta have Mickey in my back pocket to make it all happen.

-What is this? -You ought to see the stuff I've got you.

Y'all are gonna love this.

-God. -[Allison] What else?

Let me show you.

Babe, look, I got a nice blanket for you to wrap up in.

-I know you like to snuggle. -I...

-Not really. -[Jay] Gonna be great.

You've gotta start packing this up.

Mom and Chris are supposed to come. There's...

-no way that my mom's... -What?

-...gonna sleep in those bags. -Mom and Chris?

What the hell? You didn't tell me mom and Chris were coming.

I felt like if I was going, they were going.

They're never going to survive camping.

We're not going to survive camping for that matter.

[Mickey] Here's more stuff.

-[Jay] What in God's name stinks? -Cheese...

Because it's good cheese.

Have you never eaten good cheese, honey?

Mickey... Oh my God.

Throw this in there, too, would you?

I'm not-- I'm not touching that. Dylan cannot be within four feet of that.

Dylan's not gonna use this.

-[door slams] -We're going to use it to chop--

-We're gonna to use it to chop firewood. -Here's the stuff for the s'mores.

You got your chocolate, your fluffernutter...

Mickey, you cannot make s'mores

-with fluffernutter. -You don't know what you're talking about.

Let me just show you, Jay. This is how simple this is.

Even you can do this.

You take one cracker.

It's gonna fall off over a fire.

[Mickey] Just give me one minute.

You take some of this, then you just spread that on there...

let me get my chocolate out.

-That's not chocolate, that's a brick. -Yes, but that's what it's for.

-What is your problem? -Does that look like a s'more you'd eat?

-Yes, there you go. It's wonderful. -Look at that.

It looks like you need a chainsaw to cut it.

You haven't opened your mouth that wide in decades.

I have TMJ.

You're just being a really ungrateful jerk!

You can't put a stick through this!

-Bye! -[Jay] Oh, my God.

I gotta tell you, we need to rethink the Mickey situation.

He tells us to fuck off

-every time we're with him. -[laughs]

[upbeat music playing]

[Miss Jane] Can you see Allison out here at the campground?

I mean, she don't like to get dirty.

I'm gonna tell you:

They can sleep in the dirt in a tent, but we are camping in style.

Absolutely.

-I have you, back there, a queen-size bed. -I saw the cooler.

-I have the cooler. -Got my Diet Coke.

We are not going to be roughing it at all.

You know, although you and I are not looking forward to this camping,

it's good that Allison is trying

to be spontaneous and do things that she's not used to doing.

Allison, spontaneous?

Allison's got a plan on how to make a plan.

I know that she does.

I'm glad that Amy was involved with the whole project...

The whole camping-- 'Cause sometimes, you know,

Amy feels like she's in Allison's shadow.

-You know what? -What?

-If I drive really really slow... -Yes.

...we'll delay the inevitable of having to set up camp.

[groans] I kinda dread it. Do you?

-So, let's go slow, yes? -Go slow. Go very slow.

-Get a clap for going slow? -Yay!

Look at these cute stores! Wait a minute.

[Chris] I think this would be perfect to take a little break...

-Okay. -…and see just what we might feel.

These ladies are having a nice time on the porch.

[country music playing]

[birds singing]

-[Allison] It's so pretty here. -[Jay] There's James' truck.

[Dylan] What?

[Madeline] What is this?

-[Jay] Can't be the place. -[Madeline] I thought there was camping.

[Allison] This is where we are. Come on, let's go.

-What in the world is this? -What are you talking about?

Is this the right place? What-- What is this?

Did you know about this?

This is a house.

Babe, it's like a cabin, it's rustic. Look how cute it is.

Like something out of a Norman Rockwell painting.

At least there's a swing.

-Hey, guys. Hey, Dylan. -What's going on, y'all?

-Hi, baby! -What is this?

I worried you weren't gonna find it.

-This isn't a campground. -I'm so glad to see you.

-Hi, guys. -What's going on, everybody?

-This is beautiful. -How cute is this right now?

I love it.

Amy, we said we were gonna go camping. Build a fire…

-Who are you married to? -Calm down.

-Yeah! -Thought she was going to go camping?

She called and said, "The only way I'm going camping

is if I sleep inside."

And she said, "Figure it out."

And actually, I love it. Wait till you go inside.

Come on... G.I. Jay.

-Lieutenant DeMarcus. -Where'd you come from, Afghanistan?

I didn't come here to be made fun of.

Gosh, you're, like, ready for the end days.

I didn't know we were going to the Gap and buying a new wardrobe.

I can't believe this, Amy.

This is so bad.

This is so cute.

It's perfect.

Oh, my God.

-Refrigerators, a dishwasher? -Yes.

A chandelier?

[Allison] It's a rustic one, it's fine.

Marriage is about compromise. We're compromising.

You get your camping trip,

and I don't have to sleep outside.

It's a cabin.

Yes. Not camping.

So, you have to sleep in a tent for it to be camping?

Yes.

That doesn't make sense. Why would you sleep outside?

We need to go outside. Get started on the campsite.

-Let's go. -We'll get settled.

-Let's go, Dylan. Amy, you're coming. -We'll see.

-[Jay] Let's go. -[Maddie] Bye.

-[Allison] Bye. -Do you love it?

-Yeah! -Girls' night!

-Yay! -This is adorable.

Just keep that room open for me.

[Allison] I got you.

-[Jay] James. What's up? -Just getting her started.

This is what I'm talking about.

This looks like a campsite, right?

-Dylan, grab a corner of that? -I don't know what a corner is.

[James] There. Perfect.

We wanna put our door that way. This is our door.

You want to put your door to the outside of the camp circle.

No. Dylan, no, you want to put it to the inside.

Gonna teach you how to survive off the land a bit, Dyl.

You did this growing up in Washington didn't you?

Sure did, buddy. This was the family pastime.

Never done much of it.

I couldn't tell.

Look, man. Maybe camping ain't your bag, dude.

-What are you talking about? -Don't wanna say you suck at it, but

-you're not good. -You might as well have said I suck at it.

Well, you did try to almost take your fingers off with the ax.

-I've almost got it. -[James] Okay. Good luck.

I know how to use an ax.

I've seen people that are better at it.

Next question.

[both laughing]

I just-- I'm just having trouble

finding out where the...

snaps go.

Dylan, why don't you come here for a second?

-Come on to my side. -Yeah.

This thing doesn't act like it.

-Yeah! -What's going on with yours over there?

-I got it, I got it. Yup. -You sure?

I think you may have done everything wrong.

Here's the thing. When you're going camping,

anybody can buy a tent that you can push a button

and the thing pops up by itself.

So I thought it'd be great to go get some authentic World War II-era tents

to put together

because it's part of the whole experience

and I start putting this together--

They don't come with instructions.

You have to figure out everything on your own.

Why does Uncle James look so much better than you?

[Jay] What is he? Paul Bunyan?

I mean, my God, give me something here.

How about you pull up a chair and...

Let's watch him struggle.

[James snickers]

Oh, yeah.

-Hey, fellas. -[James] What's going on, ladies?

[Amy] How's it going?

[James] Don't know about there, this is great.

Me and uncle did this, and my dad did that.

Why do you have an ax next to your hands?

I need those hands to make a living for us, please.

That blade going to your head worries me.

Our dad does not know anything about the outdoors or camping.

He brought an ax...

to set up his tent.

It was like he was gonna chop his head off on purpose.

[groans]

-[Allison] Is this what SEALs taught you? -[Jay] Yeah, I learned this.

[James] I got room for everybody.

[Amy] Did you hear from Mom?

Haven't heard from her. Have you?

[Amy] I haven't heard from her. She better be on her way.

[Jay] I got to tell you, if you'll get down and try it.

Um, babe, we're going to leave you to it.

Guys, I think we need to go in and start working on dinner.

There's a great fire pit at the cabin.

-We'll see y'all there. -Gonna start getting it ready.

What are you talking about a fire pit? We're doing a fire here.

Great job, Daddy. You're awesome.

[mimicking] "Great job, Daddy. You're awesome."

♪ Before the sun goes down ♪

♪ I'm gonna be in a margarita town ♪

♪ I wanna buy everybody a round ♪

[Chris] I am so glad we are here, that you let me stop

and we are not at that godforsaken campground.

-The place is a cute little place. -I love it.

Don't look, but there's a girl behind you.

Her hair is pulled so tight up on her head

that it's squeezing her brain. She's got a vein--

I said, don't look!

-It's true! -I told you.

[Miss Jane laughs]

[Chris] Mm...

He is choking me to death in that shirt. Hey, hey. What's your name?

-Ryan. -Hi, Ryan.

You're smothering me to death in that shirt.

-Too tight? -At least one button.

[Miss Jane] Sir? In the ball cap.

Don't put your hands on her leg and rub up and down her leg.

with all of us in here watching.

I think y'all are cute.

-She seems to like you. -I do.

-[Miss Jane] You're a lucky guy. -I'd like him.

[group laughing]

Guys, I brought some little nibbles here for everyone.

-[James] Yeah! -Oh, yum!

[James] You know what I like. Looks delicious.

-Where's Jay? -He's still working on that campfire.

-[Amy] Still? -I hope there's a fire marshal around.

-I'm gonna get everybody cocktails. -[James laughs]

Bless his heart.

-Hey. -Hey.

You need some help?

I'm a professional. [laughs]

[Amy] You know,

Jay is still all the way out there, by the campsite.

He's frustrated.

He's the one that's about this family time.

And he's the only one missing out on all of it.

So, just talk to him.

Convince him to come up here and hang out with us a bit.

Take him a cocktail,

tell him you appreciate everything that he's doing for us.

So, lie to him?

-Yes. -Okay.

-All right. -A hundred percent.

He's been like the freaking Pink Panther all day.

Babe?

-Yeah. -This all looks so good!

-It's coming together. -Babe, it looks great.

-Well... -Look, you got a campfire here.

-You brought me a drink? -Yeah. I'm proud of you, babe.

I just can't believe all this. You've been working like a maniac.

I don't know that I really love seeing you with an ax.

That's slightly scary and aggressive,

but why don't you come with us?

The kids are there, having fun, they have games like cornhole.

Look, it doesn't matter if we're in a cabin or in a tent,

if we're down here or up there. Come on, babe.

I got the cheese and stuff that Mickey sent.

-Come on. -I don't wanna eat that cheese.

-Don't eat the cheese, babe. -Smells like shit.

It does. It smells horrible.

Allison can...

give me a look or smile or a touch,

and in an instant can change everything around me.

And that's what I love about her so much.

I gave you a good drink.

I don't know why you're leaving it, that's wasteful.

And she'll also bring me alcohol.

That's a big key to getting shit turned around.

Somebody's had their mouth on that.

I had a couple slugs on the way down here, babe.

It's been a long day, but really fun.

[Dylan] Won't there be hot dogs--

We've all kinds of food. Gonna be great.

-[Amy] Hey, guys. -[Jay] Hey.

-Look who made it. -[Jay] What's going on?

I got your daddy so he could come hang out with us.

-You all right? -I've just been trying to build

-the campsite. -How's it going?

-We missed you. -I wonder how it's going.

Thanks for the help, bud.

-Are y'all eating that crap Mickey sent? -Yeah, it's really good.

Help yourself.

-Cheese isn't bad. -Mickey knows what he's doing.

We're going to eat well tonight.

Steaks will be ready in eight and a half hours.

It might take a minute.

Oh, whoa! Where's your mom and Chris?

I haven't been able to find them. I went to the top of the hill

-and got one bar of service earlier. -What?

and I started searching and tracking

her phone and she wasn't even like on the route here.

-Did you talk to her? -Is she driving herself?

-She's with Chris. -[Jay] Babe.

It's okay.

What you do is go back to the top of the hill,

and then call Mickey.

-[James] Why call Mickey? -He's an Uber driver.

Mickey drives an Uber.

He's very serious about it.

If you ride with him, write a good review.

[chuckles] Okay.

[ring tone]

-Mickey? -Hey, Allison.

-What's up? -Mickey, I need you to do me a huge favor.

We're out here in the middle of nowhere and I cannot find my mother.

Allison, I'm not your mother's keeper.

[Allison panting]

-Hello? -Paige?

My gosh, what's going on? I can barely hear you.

I'm in the middle of nowhere, so--

-[disconnect beep] -[Allison groans]

So, I'm going to drop a pin and tell you where her location is.

[Mickey] I don't like to drive at night.

-Meet Mickey, got to find my mother. -[Paige] Where do I meet Mickey?

[Mickey] I am not riving around with Paige.

-She's a pain in the ass. -I know.

-Call and figure it out. -[Paige] Gosh. Bye.

Bye.

Oh, God!

-[Allison sighs] -[Jay] Who wants s'mores?

-[Ava] Me! -Me.

[Dylan] Yeah.

[Allison] Maddy, throw me some chocolate.

-These are chocolate bricks. -Biggest I've ever seen.

-[Dylan coughs] -[James] Chocolate caught fire.

-Let me tend to the fire. -I have one more of these here.

-[Dylan] Burning my eyes! -I gotta get a lot of wieners!

That's really good.

I'm happy that we're hanging out, having a good time,

but I still want you out of your comfort zone

-and spend the night with me in the tent. -Outside?

Yes, it's still outside.

No one set the tent up in the cabin.

[sighs] It would've been a really good idea though.

You should've done that.

A toast to family. I love you guys.

-Thank you for coming out. -[Amy] Cheers. We love you.

Cheers.

[Paige] Why am I sitting in the back?

It's Uber policy.

You're not an Uber tonight, we're doing a favor for Allison.

Because of insurance reasons, and I don't wanna look at your ass.

And I'm mad enough, I can spit a goddamn bucket of nails.

Speaking of spitting, can you spit some heat out of there?

I'm driving the fucking car right now.

-I'm hot, I'm irritable. -[groans]

and I will have this air conditioner up till some ice flies out of it.

Don't have a wreck.

You're about as bad as the case of damn hemorrhoids.

[navigator voice] Destination is on the right.

Oh, praise be.

-[Mickey] Look at this. Brother. -[Paige] She's got to be in here.

-I don't know. -Hey, you got the child locks on!

-Let's see what's going on. -[Mickey] Come.

[group] Cheers!

[Chris] Drink up!

-Yes! -[Miss Jane] Here they are.

[Chris] Yay!

What in the world!

How did you find us?

Allison DeMarcus has got a tracker on her iPhone.

You're supposed to be at the campsite, you're supposed to be driving her!

How many of those have you had?

-Too many. I'm gonna drive that Winnebago. -No.

Neither one of you are driving a Winnebago.

This is not National Lampoon's. Let's go.

-Let's go, y'all. -Let's go. We gotta go.

All right.

Let's wrap it up. Let's go.

-[Miss Jane] Bye-bye! -[Chris] Bye, Kathy. Goodbye, Ryan, Emily.

[Paige] You can't even walk. Don't fall down on your ass.

-[Allison] Hey, guys. -What's going on?

[Allison] Okay, good news. I found Mimi.

Chris took a hard left.

-Oh, really? Who's surprised? -[Jay] Oh.

I don't think they'll be here tonight, they'll make it in the morning.

-Glad they found her, good grief. -What's going on? What are y'all doing?

I was just about to tell the story of a blond woman...

-[Dylan] Oh, this is gonna be good! -...who drove out

to the middle of the woods.

She decided it would be a great idea to stay alone

-in the cabin... -[yawns]

by herself.

Little did she know that a man

broke in...

-with a chainsaw! [yells] -[Amy shrieks]

Slashed her to pieces!

-[Madeline screams] -[Jay cackling]

-I love this story! -[children crying]

-[Allison] Have you lost your mind? -[Jay] No.

I'm on the road a bunch.

So I think it's fun to go do things with my kids.

My philosophy is, kids grow up way too fast.

You've got to create lifelong, lasting memories for them,

those special moments, literally like a camping trip.

You sleep by a fire, you rough it for a little bit,

and make memories you create that last a lifetime.

Babe, what are you doing,

bringing chainsaws around Dylan?

-[James laughs] -This is not going to be good.

This is exactly why you need to stay in the tent with me tonight.

That was not the way to sell that, dude.

Thank you! That was quite possibly the worst way.

I was trying to come up with a creative way.

Just one night. Try it out.

-[Amy] Come on. -You're gonna have fun.

Give it a shot, you're already here.

I'll stay in the tent with you tonight.

-I give her 15 minutes. -[laughs]

Listen, I will stay in the tent.

But the first time I hear some type of animal, see anything furry,

feel anything crawling around...

or a hand touching me,

-I'm out of here. -Oh, great.

-And on that note, I think it's bedtime. -[yawns]

-Yeah. -[James] Let's call it a night.

Sounds good. Let's go.

[Amy] See y'all.

-Night-night, everybody. -[Jay] Good night.

-You go in first. -[Amy] You and Maddy get to snug together.

-Good night, y'all. -[Jay] There we go.

[Allison] There's not even a floor in here!

[Jay] It's the economy version.

[Allison] Babe, you've lost your mind.

[crickets chirping]

[birds singing]

What the-- [Miss Jane screams]

Oh my gosh! Don't spill that in the car.

This is an Uber car.

-[Chris] There they are. -[Mickey] There they are.

-[car horn honking] -[Miss Jane] My.

Look at all of this.

Can you believe they stayed here?

Jesus, take the wheel.

What in the hell was y'all thinking coming all the way out here?

What in the world...

What is that smell?

I need to know what happened and why no one was here yesterday.

I was laid up at a damn bar!

I wasn't in the bar for very long.

Chris, you took my mom to a bar?

-[Miss Jane] He made me go. -We needed...

[Paige] You needed wine.

I needed wine, too. Why would I come damn camping like this?

-You look like a streetwalker. -[Miss Jane gasps]

[Amy] Where's Jay?

[Mickey] Allison! You're the one that sleeps with him!

What'd you do?

Once a month when the Amex bill comes in.

-Okay-- [laughs] -Jay!

[Paige] I don't see anybody there.

-Jay! -[Paige gasps]

What are y'all doing making all this racket?

Have you had a shower?

This place is pretty cool.

She was right about it. It's a whole lot better.

You can take those World War II tents

and shove 'em up somebody's ass.

-Wait. You were not in the tent? -No.

Gotta figure out what's going on with you.

I'd sworn you swallowed a buzzard or something last night with...

[snorting loudly]

I couldn't get a wink's sleep. So, I came up here,

dozed off and I just woke up, put on a pot of coffee.

Now, I'm gonna chop you up with a chainsaw.

Stop it. Nothing to be upset about.

-You got wine. -Do you have a refill?

I do.

[Dylan] I'm going to need a refill of chill pills.

I can't believe he did this. That's ridiculous.

[Jay] Paige, did you mug Cher and take her coat?

Shut the hell up.

["Do It Our Way" by Andrew Nicholas Love playing]

♪ We'll soar above it all ♪

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

♪ We'll do it our way ♪

♪ Our way now ♪

♪ Hey ♪