All language subtitles for DeMarcus.Family.Rules.S01E01.720p.NF.WEBRip.x264-GalaxyTV_Subtitles01.ENG

Wait.
I didn't know you were coming today.

Thought you were coming Wednesday.

-Haven't you seen it on iCloud?
-God, Jay,

I've got so much to do.
I can't even handle this.

I've gotta go to my sister's.
Gotta go to JOANN Fabrics,

gotta go over--
Run errands, take the kids around.

Take 'em to plays, take Madeline,

make sure she has the bow.
Take her to gymnastics

so she can go straight from gymnastics
over to theater.

I don't have time to deal with this.

Now, let's put our phones down
and really just...

Jay, I have got stuff to do!

-...hold each other--
-Stop it!

I don't cock my head like that.
I have many neck problems.

You're breaking character.

-Stay in character.
-[sighs]

Why haven't you tried sex?
Usually it's what you want.

Oh, that's-- We're flipping over
to what you want me to say?

-Now, what would you like to say to me?
-[laughs]

Why am I making those faces?

I don't know. It's just...

I don't have enough hair to swing around.

-I'm not slinging my hair.
-I know. It's someone else's.

[gasps] Jay!

[Barry and Jay laughing]

[upbeat music playing]

I'm Jay DeMarcus,
one third of Rascal Flatts.

I'm Allison DeMarcus.

I'm a former Miss Tennessee,
Miss Tennessee Teen USA,

and Miss Tennessee USA.

Triple crown.

Thank you.

[Jay] We're the odd couple.

-You snore! Put your head rest up.
-[Allison] I do not snore.

-What are you doing in that shirt?
-We were gonna have friends over.

She's wearing a dress.

Embarrassing.
She looks like she's going to church.

We're very different
in our parenting styles.

Look, here's Monday Tuesday, Wednesday,

Thursday, Friday...
Where are your Saturday shoes?

She's very, very rigid and enjoys
a very strict schedule.

I was raised with rules.

And I was raised
to keep your private parts covered up.

[Allison sighs]

But we have two wonderful kids.

I don't want to do this!

This is heavy!

Our family is very crazy.

Yeah.

My dad's in a band.

-[interviewer] What does your mommy do?
-She... uh...

[Dylan] Um...

My mom's famous for texting,

and wears the crown perfectly.

[Allison] Madeline is definitely my child.

She's shyer, she loves to read

and then
she had a little brother come along.

-My pancake.
-[Allison] Dylan!

Dylan! Dylan!

Dylan! Dylan, uh-uh!

Don't flip her, Dylan!

Dylan!

Remember that he bought
a motorcycle off the "Buy 1-Click"?

A real life motorcycle.

We started putting handcuffs on him

so he can get used
to the feel of 'em.

Dylan, don't tear his head off.

[Allison] Jay's gone a lot on tour,

so I'm trying
to keep everything together.

We need all the help we can get.

[Allison] Oh, my gosh.
Your child's in the trunk.

Like our house is Grand Central.

-Gown! Gown! That is perfect.
-Or a swimsuit.

-Absolutely not.
-[man] Or a swimsuit.

-Everybody passes through here.
-We have an open door policy.

I want everybody to feel like
they can just walk in. It's part of it.

Would you move your ass
out of the way?

Is it too early for vodka?

Hello, Allie?

Allie!

-Stop calling her Allison.
-What do you want me to call her?

-Mommy.
-Well, she's old enough to be my mom.

Yeah.

[both laughing]

[Jay] A toast to family.

-I love you.
-Cheers.

[Amy] Cheers. We love you.

[all] Cheers!

Everybody just thinks
because I'm a beauty queen--

World-renowned, Grammy award-winning,
very good-looking musician...

...that everything's perfect,
but let me assure you,

we get plenty of things wrong.

One of us does.

Oh.

[guests laughing, screaming]

[Jay] We make the rules up
as we go along.

[car horns beeping]

-Whoa! Hey! Guys, you forgot the--
-[Dylan] We're leaving Daddy.

You've got to be kidding me.

["I'm Coming Home"
by Marc Robillard playing]

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ My bags are packed ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ No there's no turning back ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ 'Cause it's been too long ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

♪ Back where I belong ♪

♪ I'm coming home ♪

-[Jay] Hey, baby.
-[Allison] Hey.

What's going on?

Um, I'm just trying to get
some of this, uh, pageant stuff done.

Got to meet my sister
in a little bit.

Put that down for just a second.

I've got stuff to do.
I've got to mail these.

You got things
you're in the middle of,

I haven't been here in three months.

-I mean--
-Can we spend some time together?

Well, here we are.

But you know how long it's been
since I've been alone with you?

There's rooms left
I haven't seen you naked in.

I've been on the road in some form
or fashion since I was 15 years old,

and so it's always nice to come back home
at the end of a long tour

and settle into being back
into the family again.

The problem is,
is that when I try to settle in,

everybody's been trucking
down the train track by themselves,

it's hard to find a place to jump on.

I love spending time with Jay,

but somebody's got to keep
the train on the tracks.

I just want to spend some time with you.
That's all.

Come here.

-[door closes]
-[Miss Jane] Alison Leigh!

Allison Leigh Alderson DeMarcus!

Oh, my God.

Yes, ma'am. We're in here.

It can be really tough to live in here

and expect to have
any privacy whatsoever.

That's the truth.

-It is kind of the truth.
-I can't shit anywhere in this house.

Someone will find you.

They will and we have...

thirteen bathrooms.

Not that many.

Ten.

-My feet are hurting. Thank you.
-Time to change. You're welcome.

Time to change. [Miss Jane laughs]

My mom is a firecracker.
She's little but she's loud.

What in God's name is going on?
Is that your purse?

No, this is my tote bag
and he always carries my shoes.

He's my assistant.

Started off making me carry
a God-awful Michael Kors bag.

At least this one's a Gucci.

Oh, my Lord.

Chris is the Blanche to my mom's Sofia.

He is really the son that she never had

-before she gets--
-Golden Girls!

That's what you're talkin' about.

-You didn't remember it?
-I couldn't.

-I just now remembered it.
-Okay.

What happened
to your hair, honey?

-[Chris] Your hair's too flat.
-I haven't zhuhed since 7 a.m. Hello!

I've been trying to zhuh
since they walked in.

-Goodness. No, no, no.
-No, no, no.

No.

Allie, I brought these papers, uh,
for my investments.

You know, you're my finance major.

This finance major doesn't even know
what a budget is.

Well, I don't either but--

Somebody told me you went
to a Willie Nelson concert?

Well, you know,
the bank was selling the tickets.

You barely come to see me play!

Well, you're not Willie.

You know...
You know my name is Mary Jane.

-[laughs] Whoo! Whoo!
-[Jay] Did you get a contact high?

-I've gotta go meet Amy.
-You've gotta go now too?

Yeah, I've gotta go.
I've got to go meet my sister right now.

You can't leave me with these people.

-What do you mean, "These people?"
-Hello?

I think our house is busy all the time
because her family lives so close,

and they don't have any boundaries.
[laughs]

Right?

-[Allison] Good luck.
-You may be head of the family,

but Allison's the neck
that controls us all.

[Miss Jane laughs]

I can't disagree with you there.

["Big & Loud" by Nick Nolan playing]

♪ Excuse me while I stop and stare ♪

♪ But you're full of thrills
And poofed-up hair ♪

♪ Look here, girl
I like your style ♪

-[Ava laughs]
-[Dylan] I'm open!

-[Madeline] You're not!
-Don't you do a double dribble!

-It's my ball.
-No, it isn't.

Yes, it is! That's a triple dribble.

[Madeline laughs]

-Alright.
-[children squeal]

Oh!

-Yes!
-[Madeline groans]

Every time I'm on the road
and I come back,

it's like my children have aged years.

Literally,  they're different people

from the time that I leave the road
to the time I get back,

and I miss them being that size.

I don't know how old they are.

[chuckles]

Hey, show me what you're doing.

Um, we're, uh, tap dancing mice
and we're gonna be in Duloc's army.

Let me see some of it.

[Ava chuckles nervously]

Nobody cares about the play.

Our daughter Maddie and our niece Ava
are in the musical together.

I offered help because there's nobody
better suited to help them perform.

Starting positions. Come on.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Okay, you guys aren't together on that.

Let's do it again.

Let's take it from the top.
Five, six, seven, eight.

All right...

First move was off.
You know I'm a performer, right?

-You know you're not a theater person.
-I've been in theater before, Maddie.

Dad, I don't think that's true.

You-- You've never been in theater.

Yes, I have. I starred
in Bye Bye Birdie in high school.

[laughs]

I didn't know Dad felt so strongly
about musicals.

I know that he knows
how to do shows and all, but not plays.

-Yeah.
-He never really acted out something.

When he tried to do the splits one time,

he literally screamed like a girl

'cause this part got all...

Eck!

Listen to me, look.

That was pretty good,

but we're gonna need
more sessions together,

to get really great.

-Does that sound like a plan?
-How many sessions?

-Three or four more session, tops.
-How much we getting paid here?

Like a hundy an hour?

I didn't mention any money, Ava.
Nobody's getting paid.

No, we need pay.

-I feel like we should get toys.
-I feel like you're all little criminals.

You're hustling people.

Daddy, this is you and then this is money,
and you're like this.

-Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.
-You're eating up all the money?

-No, you!
-Dad, you eat up all the money.

That's your mommy
you're talking about.

Ha ha!

You put the money down your throat.
That's why you have that gut.

[Dylan chuckles]

[upbeat pop music playing]

It's so crazy we're even having lunch.
I mean, I feel like

-we don't get to do this very often.
-Right, and...

I don't eat anything
that's not sent via Postmates.

[laughs]

-I'm the older sister.
-Much older.

Not that much older.

Less than two years.

-Oh, thank you!
-Do we need more time to look over

-or do we know what we'd like?
-She'll have a Valium,

half of an avocado with a side of air.

[Amy laughs]

I think most people are surprised
to find out that we are related.

You look great, but you always do.

Every time you walk out.
It's annoying.

Do you know?
How do you have friends?

Like, I don't understand.
Allison won the genetic lottery.

-[chuckles]
-She's five ten

and never gains any weight.

I just haven't eaten a carb
since I turned 40.

That's so annoying,

-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

Oh, wow, that looks so--

That's a lot. Thank you.

So, Jay just got home
'cause they're done for the year.

Jay wants a welcome wagon, a ticker parade

-when he walks in the door.
-Confetti guns.

So he's like,
"When are we doing this?

-When are we doing that?"
-Oh, my gosh.

He's a little needy.

When James comes off the road,
and he's been gone

a whole lot, we're in a rhythm.

It's really actually nice
that we're both married to musicians.

James Otto is my husband
and he is a singer/songwriter.

We were dating for a long time,
before Allison and Jay met,

and just as we were about
to get engaged and get married...

Little Miss One-Upper over here,
"Surprise!

We're getting married,

-even though we've only know each other...
-That was Jay!

-...for five minutes."
-That was Jay.

He's always gonna try
to steal the show.

When he comes in,
it just interrupts everything.

Dumping 14 days of laundry
right in the back door.

You clean up the kitchen
4,000 more times than you do normally

-'cause I'd only use a paper plate.
-You have to be patient.

Send him to play golf.
He loves to golf or...

suggest he gets over to that record label
and starts amping things up.

-Right?
-At least, golf lasts all day.

[laughs]

♪ Like cornbread and butter ♪

♪ Sweet tea and ice ♪

♪ I was made to meet her ♪

♪ She was made to be mine ♪

♪ Match made in heaven ♪

♪ Like gas pumpin' rubber ♪

♪ Yeah, we go together ♪

♪ Like cornbread and butter ♪

Babe, you've already turned it down
for the night?

Yeah.

It's time to wind it down.

[sighs] Well, Lord have mercy.

Do we have to put those pillows
every night?

-Where else we put them?
-It's a pain

to always put 'em on the floor

and they end up right in the same spot.

Sometimes you forget
how comfy this bed is.

This is amazing.

-I do not think that this bed is amazing.
-What? Why not?

It has a fault line running
through the middle.

It's just so you can adjust
your individual head height here

and get some rest.

Scoot on over here. Come here, baby.

Alison becoming a mother has been
wonderful to watch

over the last few years
and how she loves those kids.

She takes care
of every single little detail.

every part of their life.

It's awesome to be
in a relationship with somebody

that you already love to begin with

but then find more reasons to love
because of the way that they are

toward the human beings
that you've brought onto the planet.

Sweet.
Did you make that up off the cuff?

Yeah.

-Nice work.
-I'm really good off the cuff.

-Terrible.
-You want it raised up more?

-No! You're gonna flip me out of here.
-You said you couldn't get comfortable.

Let me help you.

-[motor hums]
-And you raise it up just like that, see?

Right there. See, look here.

-[motor hums]
-I can raise up with you.

Jay, we are like geriatrics
in this bed.

Who sleeps like this?

I do. I-I'm gonna watch Falcon Crest
just like this.

You-- You are 87.

I'm not sleeping like this.

Wait, stop. You're pushing a button
at the same time.

-It's not going to work.
-I can't feel my feet anymore.

All right, that's good right there.

-Not really.
-[groans]

Hey.

What?

You think we could have another baby?
I mean, seriously.

-No.
-Have you thought about it?

No, I've not thought about it.

I have not thought about it all.
We have so much going on.

Yes, you're home right now, but it's not
like you're gonna be all the time.

And then, when you're gone,

I'm the one who's gonna be
up with them,

and it's so much fun for you, but--

Two words: "Night nurse."

You can't just count on that.

I mean, I can barely get everybody here

to all the places that they need to be.

But I love our babies
and someday they're gonna be grown

and out of the house and too old
for us to hold anymore.

Dylan already weighs 800 pounds.

He's a nut buster for sure.

[chuckles]

I'll think about it,
but I really do like to sleep,

and we're finally at a point
where we can sleep.

I know. Can we at least practice tonight?

You were just talking
about having another baby.

You think I'm in the mood?

Jay always picks the wrong times.
It's--

Let me know when the right time is.

Apparently I've never stumbled onto that,

and every time I make a move,
it's the wrong time.

-Well...
-When we're driving, it's the wrong time.

-Driving?
-When you're in the grocery store,

-it's the wrong time.
-Who's banging in the freezer section

-in the grocery?
-We could.

-Night, baby.
-Good night.

[motor hums]

[Allison] Babe, seriously, good night.

[upbeat country music playing]

[percolating coffee gurgles]

Hello! Allie?

-Hey!
-Oh, my gosh.

-What are you doing?
-I have...

like, 400 costumes over here for the play,

and I've got to do something with these
and make them look better.

We've got to go to the fabric store,
like, yesterday.

That's for you.
That's just for next weekend.

Wow.

I think Amy and I are very similar.
We like to go to movies.

-We like to eat. We love mani and pedis.
-Football.

It's fantastic.

If you want me to, I can help you.

It's not like Allison's spending
any time with me. So...

I've made it really clear
to only see the boyfriend

while I'm on the road.

[laughs]

I feel like it's disrespectful to start
seeing him when I'm back home, so...

You know?

We obviously know Allison very well,
the two of us do,

-so we can share things about her.
-Right. We can...

commiserate, if you will.

In all seriousness,

I'm trying to find ways
to, like, carve out some time for us.

So I've been coming up with some ideas
to maybe surprise her a little bit.

I know. I already know
what you're gonna say.

Did you just wake up out of a coma?

-Yeah. I've been on the road.
-What is happening?

Allison hates surprises.

This is not new news.

Just hoping that, um...

Pavlov's dog over here
is gonna catch on, like, any day now.

What about this? What about this?
Holly has a bed and breakfast--

-No! No!
-It's in the country.

-Does it have room service?
-Uh...

-And a spa?
-DoorDash or something like that.

-Next.
-How about this idea?

We could have a private intimate dinner
on the General Jackson Riverboat.

You're gonna put her on a boat
because she hates water? Like--

You don't know you're on a boat.
Big boat. A riverboat.

[laughs]

And she--

[laughing continues]

Oh, my God, Jay, that sounds so desperate.
I'm so sorry.

This is the saddest moment of your...

[laughs]

The only surprise that's okay with Allison

either sparkles or dangles.

Well, I got a surprise that dangles.

-Oh, my God, Jay.
-Sparkles too, on occasions.

That is not okay.
You cannot say that to me.

Just saying.

[upbeat country music playing]

-Hi!
-Paige!

-How are you all doing? Oh, my gosh.
-Good! So good!

You look amazing!

-You look so fabulous.
-So festive.

I'm a cheeseburger away
from the plus-size section.

-Oh, my God.
-Come on over here.

Get this party started.

[Allison] Paige and I have been friends
for 15 years.

She's the queen of bling.

You know, she's really the very, very best
at anything you need for the stage.

What about this?
Coming over the back?

That brings the whole situation
up a notch.

It's a moment! It's a moment.

Her personality is as big as her hair.

-It's not as big as her mouth.
-[chuckles]

We're going to come out there
in full regalia.

Glamour, rhinestones, glitter...

Drama.

[sighs] My middle name.
Well, that's what my mother says.

I know what you need.

I'll be back.
I got something I wanna show you.

How are things going with Jay?

It's fine.

I ran into him this morning
at the house,

and I just feel like he's struggling.

He kind of said that he was trying
to get some alone time with you.

What if you just calendared
a little bit of time

that's just for him?

Wait.

Is he planning something?

He just said he was trying
to come up with

some ways
you could spend time together.

I am not going to be surprised
by him again

because, you know,
his surprises are the worst.

For some reason Jay still thinks,
after being with me for 17 years,

that I like surprises.

-You don't.
-No matter how many times I tell him.

"I don't like surprises.
I don't like surprises.

I don't like surprises.

-Please don't surprise me."
-I know.

Surprise!

Yes!

-My word.
-Look at this turquoise!

-Let me see.
-What y'all talking about?

-I heard something about Jay.
-Yes, he's trying to do these surprises

'cause now he's home,
he wants all this attention...

Wait a minute. So you're pissed off

that your husband's gonna
do something for you?

-[Amy] See?
-I'm not pissed.

Now, look here. A man is like a cactus.

You throw a bit of water on them
every now and then, they're fine.

But if you don't water it,
it's gonna look frumpy.

You know what I'm saying here?

I do and a cactus is always trying
to poke you.

-Let's get back to this.
-[Amy laughs]

♪ I know I know I know
What I should do ♪

♪ And I know I know I know
Better than you ♪

♪ Better than you
Better than you ♪

[girls beatboxing]

-Girls, pay attention.
-Yeah, pay attention, girls.

Attention.
We gotta get this right.

We're gonna do a little
"Ba-Ba Black Sheep."

♪ Ba ba... ♪

♪... black sheep
Have you any wool ♪

♪ Yes sir, yes sir
Three bags full ♪

-[vocalizes]
-♪ One for-- ♪

[both laughing]

-Come on. Take this seriously.
-[girls giggling]

Maybe if you didn't do this?

[Dylan laughs]

Do me a favor real quick.
Take a deep breath in.

-[girls inhale]
-[Jay exhales]

Let it out.

Take a deep breath in,
blow it out and... relax.

-Now we're just getting into exercises.
-Watch it!

Daddy's just gone crazy.

Sometimes I like spending time
with my dad.

Sometimes he takes a lot overboard.

All he needs to do is
stay out of people's businesses.

[Jay] Okay, guys.

♪ Mommy made me mash my M&Ms
Oh my ♪

Now do it.

♪ Mommy made me mash my M&Ms
Oh my ♪

-[Dylan] Too pitchy, people.
-Guys--

We're gonna do it again.
Just a sec. Hey!

-How's it going?
-What are y'all doing?

We're just in here-- We're, uh...

just working the girls out a little bit
for the musical.

-You guys have been having fun?
-No.

-No, we're tired.
-We're hungry.

Have you not had fun
being down here?

No.

-No?
-I've had nothing to do.

Everybody... Everybody take five, okay?

[Allison]
We actually don't need five.

-We've gotta go to bed.
-l--

-Bed time!
-You actually want to go to bed?

First time in his life
the kid's wanted to go to bed.

I'm just trying to help them.
That's all I'm trying to do.

-We're gonna be good.
-Listen...

Can I ask you something?

-I guess.
-Will you keep

Friday afternoon open,
just for a little bit?

I would love to,
but I have a lot going on.

How about Saturday?
Saturday night's good.

I don't have anything going on either.

You don't, but we do, babe.

So we'll just--

-We'll have to find a time--
-Sunday!

Sunday's open too.
We could go after church.

We've got a lot going on.
I can't remember--

We can find something.

You can find a day
to carve out for me.

Yeah. We'll talk about it later.

I gotta get these kids into bed.

Freakin' Amy. Nick?

I think my sister-in-law Amy sold me out.

There is the whole northern hemisphere
of Canada.

And then there's your sister's mouth.

And if you were to see photos of them
side-by-side,

hers might be a little larger.

Everything that I ask her
to keep a secret,

she always cracks.

Nick, do you want to do something with me?

No.

[guitar rock playing]

Hey.

-Hi.
-What are you doing?

-Just trying to relax.
-I brought you a spray tan.

I thought you might want
a beverage.

Thanks.

I haven't seen you in that tub in forever.

I love that you've lit the candles.

You've set it up for us so nice.
It's great.

This is for me.

Mm.

Babe, seriously, I feel like every time
I come back home

that I have to reintroduce myself
to you guys.

Because I'm out there,
I get out of the rhythm of our house,

out of being away from our kids
and I feel like I miss out on so much.

But here's the deal.

I have to figure out how to be by myself
and how to operate by myself.

Then when you come home,

there's a bit of a transition period
where it's like,

"Oh, wait, he's here."

We'll... We'll get there.

We'll figure it out. We always do.

I'm getting in there.

-No, you're not getting in here.
-Yeah.

This bathtub is too small.
You're not getting in here.

I'm getting in.
You'd better scoot over.

-No, you're not!
-Yes! Relax a little bit.

I am-- I was relaxed, actually.
I'm not now, but I was.

This is a way for us to reconnect

and really find some connection.

-Two shall become one.
-Not enough room.

That's what we're gonna do.

-There's not enough room in here.
-Oh, Daddy's gettin' in!

-You made a mistake--
-Oh, this feels so great.

[moans]

-No, this is my bath!
-Whoo!

Hey, watch that hand.

Must have been your own.
You're used to that.

Somebody's got to do it.

[Allison] I love your intentions, Jay.

It speaks volumes
about our relationship

that I still want to touch you
and be close to you.

-I'm being serious.
-No, I know. I'm glad!

I still want to get with you.

Make hot sweet chili.

-Can't wait for the kids to hear this.
-With jalapenos on top.

-That's great.
-Come over here and give me a kiss.

-All right, babes.
-Come here.

[kissing]

[Jay whispering] I love you.

[Dylan clears throat]

-That's disgusting.
-[Jay] Buddy, go to bed!

Mommy and Daddy were having, like,
a date in a bathtub.

It was really weird
and it was really romantic.

Mommy grabs Daddy's cheeks and goes...

[kissing sounds]

...and that weird noise
comes out of their mouths.

[kissing sounds]

That's disgusting! Oh, my gosh!

I don't even want to talk about this
anymore, Miss Tessa.

You're supposed to be in bed.

-I wanna get in.
-[Jay] No, go to bed right now!

Daddy's not even--

That is a spray tan.
You know you can't drink that.

-That's just for Moms.
-You need to go to bed.

By the way, you got bubbles in your hair.

I know.

Daddy's trying to get more bubbles
in his hair, if you know what I'm saying.

Stop, Dylan! Give me a kiss and go to bed.

No.

Give me a kiss. Go. I love you.
Night-night, bud.

Seriously, it's time to go now. Go to bed.

[Allison] Night-night.

That was a surprise.

Baby!

Jay, just promise me

no more surprises.

Oh, baby, we're just getting started.

-Hi.
-Come on in.

-Daddy, can we please get a dog?
-I think Mom would poop a brick.

-He's licking his nut sack.
-You would too if you could.

It's a DeMarcus road trip.

-[Dylan yells]
-[Ava screams]

Stop or somebody's going out the window!

-Camping's fun... with a chainsaw!
-[Ava screams]

I'll cut you to pieces!

[girls screaming]

[Jay cackles]

I can't wait to see it.

["Do It Our Way"
by Andrew Nicholas Love playing]

♪ We'll soar
Above it all ♪

♪ Whatever it takes ♪

♪ We'll do it our way
Our way now ♪

♪ Hey ♪