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1
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Development on the rubbish.
2
00:00:38,200 --> 00:00:39,820
Has it finally been collected?
3
00:00:39,900 --> 00:00:41,259
No. Sort of the opposite.
4
00:00:41,260 --> 00:00:45,099
I think people are now leaving their
own rubbish on top of our rubbish.
5
00:00:45,100 --> 00:00:47,180
Or to put it another way,
we've set up a free tip.
6
00:00:47,320 --> 00:00:50,060
Still, let's not dwell on that.
We can just dwell very near to it.
7
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:53,259
I have decided to make
a treat of dinner for us all...
8
00:00:53,260 --> 00:00:56,140
no effort or expense spared.
I mean, the butcher still refuses
9
00:00:56,200 --> 00:00:59,019
to serve us meat so when you boil it
down it's basically mole and gravy.
10
00:00:59,020 --> 00:01:01,240
I don't mind it.
And I've invited a guest over.
11
00:01:02,220 --> 00:01:03,640
Who? Miss Trimble.
12
00:01:08,760 --> 00:01:11,019
Not Miss Trimble the leper?
She doesn't have leprosy.
13
00:01:11,020 --> 00:01:13,419
You are talking
about Miss Trimble the leper.
14
00:01:13,420 --> 00:01:14,839
Can you not call her that?
15
00:01:14,840 --> 00:01:16,760
Can we establish which
Miss Trimble is coming?
16
00:01:21,480 --> 00:01:23,180
Miss Trimble the leper, but...
George! No!
17
00:01:23,240 --> 00:01:25,579
She doesn't literally
have leprosy, does she?
18
00:01:25,580 --> 00:01:27,979
Yes, she does, George. She's called
Miss Trimble "the leper".
19
00:01:27,980 --> 00:01:30,360
That's just what people call
her, Bert, because she keeps
20
00:01:30,420 --> 00:01:32,599
herself to herself and I think
she used to be a bit spotty.
21
00:01:32,600 --> 00:01:35,220
George, it's really obvious
what's happened here.
22
00:01:35,240 --> 00:01:36,779
You've read about lepers
in the Bible,
23
00:01:36,780 --> 00:01:38,539
and you've found out there's
a real leper
24
00:01:38,540 --> 00:01:40,060
in the village,
you've got excited...
25
00:01:40,140 --> 00:01:42,999
Not even going to let you
finish. That is what's happened.
26
00:01:43,000 --> 00:01:45,900
She's really nice. Give her a chance.
You think everyone's nice.
27
00:01:46,060 --> 00:01:48,460
No, I don't. Tell me one person who
you don't think is nice.
28
00:01:50,500 --> 00:01:51,940
Herod.
29
00:01:52,280 --> 00:01:54,679
Herod? I just don't want us
to not have any friends.
30
00:01:54,680 --> 00:01:57,719
Fine! Yes! I want proper,
respectable friends.
31
00:01:57,720 --> 00:01:59,479
Not lepers, sissies, and Bert.
32
00:01:59,480 --> 00:02:02,060
Well that's the league
you're in now, Sonny Boy.
33
00:02:02,140 --> 00:02:03,340
Tonight's going to be grand.
34
00:02:03,500 --> 00:02:06,059
She's a lovely person, she can talk
the hind legs off a donkey,
35
00:02:06,060 --> 00:02:07,620
she's single... Bert?
36
00:02:07,820 --> 00:02:09,239
That's so not how it works, George.
37
00:02:09,240 --> 00:02:10,500
How does it work then?
38
00:02:12,440 --> 00:02:14,539
Oh, no, that is pretty much how it
works, to be honest.
39
00:02:14,540 --> 00:02:16,360
Quite excited about meeting her now.
40
00:02:16,420 --> 00:02:18,220
De-dum, de-dum, de-dum, de-dum.
41
00:02:25,000 --> 00:02:28,140
I was sure I had a few vegetables
left that hadn't been vandalised.
42
00:02:28,300 --> 00:02:31,000
Vandalised.
You can't vandalise food, George.
43
00:02:31,040 --> 00:02:33,560
Shit-head. Or should
I say you can... Your cooking!
44
00:02:33,640 --> 00:02:36,140
I was hoping to serve
my mole in a nest of local leaves,
45
00:02:36,280 --> 00:02:37,860
but... I mean, look at it.
46
00:02:37,980 --> 00:02:41,239
Please - condemn me, stone me, but
leave my kitchen garden out of it.
47
00:02:41,240 --> 00:02:43,639
This would be a perfect time
to cancel the whole dinner.
48
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:46,839
I'm not cancelling the dinner.
Oh, come to your senses, George.
49
00:02:46,840 --> 00:02:49,879
We cannot go running cap-in-hand
to the village leper. That's death.
50
00:02:49,880 --> 00:02:53,079
Is it? Social death. Right, well.
That's a considerable climb-down.
51
00:02:53,080 --> 00:02:55,180
Might be death. Depends how
many of her boils we breathe in.
52
00:02:55,340 --> 00:02:57,559
Bert, I promise you she's
disease-free.
53
00:02:57,560 --> 00:03:00,439
It's just vicious tittle-tattle.
Does that set your mind at rest?
54
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:03,140
Well, sort of, George, but she's
still a weirdo nobody likes.
55
00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:05,239
Better if she had leprosy,
at least it wouldn't
56
00:03:05,240 --> 00:03:07,499
be just her personality that makes
everyone avoid her.
57
00:03:07,500 --> 00:03:09,719
Don't say that. Trimble had
good words for you, Cecil.
58
00:03:09,720 --> 00:03:12,620
And even for you, Bert. What do you
mean "even"? Do you mean especially?
59
00:03:12,760 --> 00:03:14,920
At least make sure we've
exhausted all alternatives.
60
00:03:14,980 --> 00:03:16,440
Fine. What are the alternatives?
61
00:03:17,560 --> 00:03:21,099
Miss Atkinson?
Hates us. Genuinely. Hates us.
62
00:03:21,100 --> 00:03:22,360
Elsie Hargreaves.
63
00:03:22,540 --> 00:03:25,739
Seriously? Shall we invite the
Princess of Wales while we're at it?
64
00:03:25,740 --> 00:03:28,460
I could imagine Gladys having
a sister who lives in the village.
65
00:03:28,540 --> 00:03:30,700
Maybe invite her, if she exists?
66
00:03:30,860 --> 00:03:33,080
I bet Gladys's sister'd be quite
up for it, actually.
67
00:03:33,240 --> 00:03:35,800
Probably have quite a sort of
"no holds barred" sort of attitude.
68
00:03:35,940 --> 00:03:38,800
Before we resort to the realm of
people who may or may not exist,
69
00:03:38,820 --> 00:03:41,060
shall we stick to
Miss Trimble who is at least real?
70
00:03:41,160 --> 00:03:44,299
God. Maybe. If nothing else I'll be
able to get some ammo on her for
71
00:03:44,300 --> 00:03:45,800
when the lads get back.
72
00:03:45,940 --> 00:03:47,020
Get back from where?
73
00:03:55,820 --> 00:03:58,360
That should just about do it.
74
00:03:58,520 --> 00:04:00,459
What's "Porc Velours"?
That's French.
75
00:04:00,460 --> 00:04:03,000
You know how I like to add a certain
poise to proceedings.
76
00:04:03,160 --> 00:04:06,180
What does it mean? "Velvet pig".
77
00:04:06,420 --> 00:04:08,599
What's... The mole.
78
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:11,479
Here we go then. The last supper...
79
00:04:11,480 --> 00:04:13,260
of our lives as self-respecting
individuals.
80
00:04:13,420 --> 00:04:15,480
Cecil, please be civil.
I ask for very little in this world.
81
00:04:15,660 --> 00:04:19,020
Wedding with a woman who's life
you're destroying, end of World War.
82
00:04:19,180 --> 00:04:22,040
Well, from my end, I really can't
wait to see her now.
83
00:04:22,220 --> 00:04:25,400
The freak show thing is a really
good idea, George.
84
00:04:38,380 --> 00:04:41,099
I am surprised she's not here yet.
Legs probably fell off.
85
00:04:41,100 --> 00:04:43,960
I'll pretend I didn't hear that.
She'll be here any minute.
86
00:04:43,980 --> 00:04:46,220
She's probably just...
Re-attaching her ears. Cecil.
87
00:04:59,320 --> 00:05:01,399
Ooh! Who wants to see my bruise?
88
00:05:01,400 --> 00:05:04,139
Crossword first, then the bruise?
Yeah, save the bruise.
89
00:05:04,140 --> 00:05:06,680
We'll look at the bruise
if she's not here in 20 minutes.
90
00:05:09,080 --> 00:05:11,960
It will have faded by then.
91
00:05:16,780 --> 00:05:20,619
Is she standing us up?
Is that what's happening?
92
00:05:20,620 --> 00:05:23,000
That's a shame.
I was looking forward to seeing it.
93
00:05:23,120 --> 00:05:26,379
I'm sorry, George.
You put in so much effort.
94
00:05:26,380 --> 00:05:29,260
I did really, but... I won't have
this. I will not have it.
95
00:05:29,420 --> 00:05:31,960
Cecil Mowbray does not get
stood up by a leper.
96
00:05:32,140 --> 00:05:35,479
George? Maybe. Bert? Probably, yes.
97
00:05:35,480 --> 00:05:37,419
Ain't that the truth.
But this is a Mowbray.
98
00:05:37,420 --> 00:05:39,799
Four generations of pipes run
under this village,
99
00:05:39,800 --> 00:05:43,179
each with a great big M on them, and
do you know what that M stands for?
100
00:05:43,180 --> 00:05:44,600
Man-fish. Merman!
101
00:05:45,900 --> 00:05:47,979
Mowbray. Obviously. Yeah, Mowbray.
102
00:05:47,980 --> 00:05:50,840
Sorry, I'm going round there.
She's been completely out of order.
103
00:05:50,920 --> 00:05:52,299
Oh, just leave it, Cecil.
104
00:05:52,300 --> 00:05:54,699
I mean, who the
hell does she think she is?
105
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:56,919
She should be begging to come to
an event like this.
106
00:05:56,920 --> 00:05:59,180
She should be begging.
107
00:05:59,320 --> 00:06:02,220
I'm going to join you, Cec.
Desperate to get a glimpse.
108
00:06:02,300 --> 00:06:06,860
Oh, Winky, would you like to come?
No thanks, George, we're not being seen together in public, remember?
109
00:06:06,920 --> 00:06:08,239
I thought you were
relaxing that rule.
110
00:06:08,240 --> 00:06:09,320
No, George, tightening.
111
00:06:09,460 --> 00:06:11,000
Oh, sorry. No problem.
112
00:06:17,260 --> 00:06:19,660
I'm sorry. I couldn't find your
house. I drew you a map.
113
00:06:19,800 --> 00:06:22,859
Yeah, I couldn't read your writing.
The map only had pictures on it.
114
00:06:22,860 --> 00:06:23,920
I thought it was writing.
115
00:06:23,960 --> 00:06:26,060
People don't write in pictures.
116
00:06:26,200 --> 00:06:27,819
The Chinese do.
You know I'm not Chinese.
117
00:06:27,820 --> 00:06:31,659
All right, let me, George. Now look,
we know you've had an illness.
118
00:06:31,660 --> 00:06:32,740
What illness?
119
00:06:32,940 --> 00:06:34,680
Your leprosy.
120
00:06:34,760 --> 00:06:36,919
Oh right, yeah.
121
00:06:36,920 --> 00:06:40,600
So, have you got leprosy? Because
we thought that was just a rumour.
122
00:06:40,760 --> 00:06:43,640
Well. I mean, it comes
and it goes to a certain extent.
123
00:06:43,820 --> 00:06:46,060
I'm just really sorry it meant
I couldn't come to your party.
124
00:06:46,200 --> 00:06:48,759
It wouldn't normally matter,
but George did prepare a mole.
125
00:06:48,760 --> 00:06:50,859
You mean a meal? I mean both.
126
00:06:50,860 --> 00:06:55,159
Well, it's my loss.
So shall we just leave it there?
127
00:06:55,160 --> 00:06:57,240
Because we've all got things to do.
128
00:06:57,320 --> 00:06:59,959
Sorry, are you brushing us off?
129
00:06:59,960 --> 00:07:03,479
No. You don't brush us off,
we brush you off.
130
00:07:03,480 --> 00:07:06,060
Right, just for that,
you are coming to dinner.
131
00:07:06,220 --> 00:07:09,559
I didn't want to.
Some honesty at last. And why not?
132
00:07:09,560 --> 00:07:12,439
Because your name is mud in this
village, all right?
133
00:07:12,440 --> 00:07:15,820
I can't afford to compromise my
reputation by being seen with you.
134
00:07:15,960 --> 00:07:18,040
Your reputation? Sorry.
135
00:07:18,220 --> 00:07:20,440
You are a woman who is rumoured,
and bear in mind I am simply
136
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:23,500
reporting a fact here, and I think
the accusation is incredibly unfair,
137
00:07:23,660 --> 00:07:26,859
a woman who is rumoured to have been
impregnated by her own son.
138
00:07:26,860 --> 00:07:29,099
Yeah, and I've got webbed-feet and
a tail as well.
139
00:07:29,100 --> 00:07:31,019
And you think you're too
good for us?
140
00:07:31,020 --> 00:07:33,260
I don't want to start putting
it in those terms.
141
00:07:33,420 --> 00:07:36,759
No, let's put it in those terms.
You're obviously England's prize...
142
00:07:36,760 --> 00:07:38,220
partridge.
143
00:07:42,220 --> 00:07:44,619
I'm not leaving here
until we get a yes!
144
00:07:44,620 --> 00:07:47,499
Shh. Keep your voice down.
Fine, I'll come to dinner.
145
00:07:47,500 --> 00:07:50,700
Not tonight. You've drawn enough
attention to me as it is.
146
00:07:50,840 --> 00:07:51,980
I'll come tomorrow.
147
00:07:53,900 --> 00:07:54,860
Yes! Yes!
148
00:07:57,100 --> 00:07:59,660
The leper's coming over!
The leper's coming over!
149
00:08:02,840 --> 00:08:07,640
We're back in the game!
150
00:08:17,240 --> 00:08:20,299
"Upon arrival, greet your guests
warmly but not cloyingly.
151
00:08:20,300 --> 00:08:23,159
"An excessively enthusiastic
reception will be off-putting
152
00:08:23,160 --> 00:08:25,240
"and result in an undesirable
change of atmosphere."
153
00:08:25,420 --> 00:08:26,520
What's the book, Cecil?
154
00:08:26,680 --> 00:08:29,100
Brannigans Etiquette Reader.
I was raised on this.
155
00:08:29,240 --> 00:08:32,620
Full of classics. "If a guest
engages you in conversation,
156
00:08:32,760 --> 00:08:34,380
"reply audibly and intelligibly,
157
00:08:34,520 --> 00:08:36,919
"and in the language in which you
were addressed."
158
00:08:36,920 --> 00:08:38,219
Absolutely copper-bottomed.
159
00:08:38,220 --> 00:08:40,139
I bet this is why I'm having
to have this bath.
160
00:08:40,140 --> 00:08:42,380
Some rule written down in that book.
161
00:08:42,540 --> 00:08:43,980
It's not Bert.
162
00:08:44,140 --> 00:08:45,220
Why am I having it then?
163
00:08:45,400 --> 00:08:46,840
Some things are deeper than words.
164
00:08:46,860 --> 00:08:48,440
When was the last time you
washed, Bert?
165
00:08:48,620 --> 00:08:50,519
It depends. What's the weather
been like recently?
166
00:08:50,520 --> 00:08:53,260
Rain doesn't count as washing, Bert.
Have you scrubbed?
167
00:08:53,340 --> 00:08:55,499
Yes. Have you? I don't need to.
168
00:08:55,500 --> 00:08:57,900
You do need to, Bert, just...
I'll scrub my skin off.
169
00:08:57,980 --> 00:08:59,180
You won't scrub your skin off.
170
00:08:59,340 --> 00:09:03,020
The flannel only removes the dirt,
not the skin. How could that be?
171
00:09:03,160 --> 00:09:05,399
I promise you. I wash my face with
it every day, Bert.
172
00:09:05,400 --> 00:09:07,160
Too far, George. "Every day",
indeed.
173
00:09:07,300 --> 00:09:10,519
I still don't understand why I'm
even having this bath.
174
00:09:10,520 --> 00:09:11,799
Washing for a leper?
175
00:09:11,800 --> 00:09:14,039
It's like wearing cologne to a zoo,
eh, Cecil?
176
00:09:14,040 --> 00:09:15,980
I actually find that extremely
offensive, Bert.
177
00:09:16,140 --> 00:09:18,679
It's shameful the way that
Miss Valery Trimble has been
178
00:09:18,680 --> 00:09:21,080
ostracised by this village.
Now hold on, Cecil...
179
00:09:21,160 --> 00:09:23,319
Yes, I know I made some
comments yesterday, George,
180
00:09:23,320 --> 00:09:25,899
which perhaps you didn't really
take in the correct spirit,
181
00:09:25,900 --> 00:09:28,120
but I've always quietly thought
we should know her.
182
00:09:28,280 --> 00:09:30,539
And loudly said, "we shouldn't".
All right, George.
183
00:09:30,540 --> 00:09:32,940
I've slept on it
and now I have a new opinion.
184
00:09:33,080 --> 00:09:34,860
Trimble's the first
rung on the ladder.
185
00:09:35,000 --> 00:09:37,419
Get her on board, then move on to
the really big players.
186
00:09:37,420 --> 00:09:39,319
Your Irish woman.
Your girl with the snake.
187
00:09:39,320 --> 00:09:40,919
Soon, we're dining with the
simpleton
188
00:09:40,920 --> 00:09:42,360
who's brother's wife's sister is
189
00:09:42,520 --> 00:09:44,140
under-secretary of the Morris
Dancers.
190
00:09:44,240 --> 00:09:45,739
We could be right
back on the map here.
191
00:09:45,740 --> 00:09:47,640
Oh, God,
please let tonight be a success.
192
00:09:47,660 --> 00:09:49,740
I've got the fear now, George.
It's all right, Cecil.
193
00:09:49,900 --> 00:09:52,061
I can't do this. We haven't got
any of the right stuff.
194
00:09:52,120 --> 00:09:54,199
I'm worried now. I'm not on song.
I need to be on song.
195
00:09:54,200 --> 00:09:55,980
Cecil, calm down. I'm serious,
George.
196
00:09:56,120 --> 00:09:57,880
I've lost my swagger. I feel
ugly and fat.
197
00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:01,100
All right, Cecil. Deep breaths now.
It's going to be all right.
198
00:10:01,400 --> 00:10:03,639
It's just pre-match nerves.
It's going to be fine.
199
00:10:03,640 --> 00:10:06,699
You're right, you're right,
the host is like a general,
200
00:10:06,700 --> 00:10:08,440
calamities reveal his genius.
201
00:10:12,420 --> 00:10:16,039
She wouldn't stand us
up again, would she?
202
00:10:16,040 --> 00:10:18,580
This fucking leper's really
starting to get on my tits.
203
00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:26,853
You said you were coming over!
204
00:10:26,997 --> 00:10:29,137
I mean, does language not mean
anything any more?
205
00:10:29,205 --> 00:10:31,445
Should we all just start
talking gobbledegook?
206
00:10:31,456 --> 00:10:34,776
Oh, hello, maggy beggy lig bog.
Buggy fong mig-wag.
207
00:10:36,336 --> 00:10:37,716
Is this about the meal?
208
00:10:37,795 --> 00:10:40,175
What Cecil is asking is
why did you say last night that
209
00:10:40,267 --> 00:10:42,047
you would be there if you had no
intention?
210
00:10:42,218 --> 00:10:43,998
I was trying to get rid of you.
211
00:10:44,038 --> 00:10:45,957
I didn't think you'd suffer
the shame of coming again.
212
00:10:45,958 --> 00:10:48,098
Shame is pretty much meat
and wine to us, young lady,
213
00:10:48,158 --> 00:10:49,418
so you've underestimated us there.
214
00:10:49,498 --> 00:10:51,658
Oh, no, look, your hand's fallen
off.
215
00:10:51,949 --> 00:10:54,009
Breached! We're in!
216
00:10:54,209 --> 00:10:56,609
Checkmate. Cecil!
217
00:10:56,749 --> 00:10:59,628
Oh, shit.
Right. Bring her to dinner.
218
00:10:59,629 --> 00:11:01,549
What? Grab her
and bring her to our dinner.
219
00:11:01,729 --> 00:11:03,849
If she won't come willingly,
we're going to have to...
220
00:11:06,269 --> 00:11:07,949
We're not kidnapping Miss Trimble.
221
00:11:08,129 --> 00:11:10,668
Always there to pour
piss on the party.
222
00:11:10,669 --> 00:11:12,608
One decent blow to the noggin
should do it. Bert?
223
00:11:12,609 --> 00:11:15,469
One step ahead of you there, Cecil.
Always wanted to do this.
224
00:11:15,549 --> 00:11:17,409
Tap the head, time for bed.
225
00:11:17,489 --> 00:11:18,469
Ow! Ooh, sorry. That hurt!
226
00:11:18,529 --> 00:11:21,228
Yeah, sorry, just bear with me.
Um, Cecil, what's happened?
227
00:11:21,229 --> 00:11:22,829
Why has she not gone unconscious?
228
00:11:23,009 --> 00:11:24,889
You have to hit her much harder.
Much harder.
229
00:11:25,089 --> 00:11:27,290
All right, I think the problem is
that when I do that...
230
00:11:27,349 --> 00:11:29,069
Ow! Sorry. Bert, you need to hit her
231
00:11:29,089 --> 00:11:30,508
so hard on the head that she blacks
out.
232
00:11:30,509 --> 00:11:32,928
I'm literally just knocking her
out with the bottle now.
233
00:11:32,929 --> 00:11:36,288
That's the general idea, old chum.
All right. I'm going to.
234
00:11:36,289 --> 00:11:39,308
Ow. Sorry. You never told me
I'd have to do it this hard.
235
00:11:39,309 --> 00:11:41,728
Well you do, Bert. This is real now.
Do you want to be a man or not?
236
00:11:41,729 --> 00:11:44,449
Because this is the price.
All right, Cecil, don't shout.
237
00:11:44,589 --> 00:11:47,008
"Lord, give your daughter
strength to endure these..."
238
00:11:47,009 --> 00:11:49,849
Shut up, George. I can't.
I can't do it. I'm sorry, Cecil.
239
00:11:50,049 --> 00:11:52,609
Come on, Bert. You can do it.
Stop saying that! You can though.
240
00:11:52,769 --> 00:11:55,309
Stop saying that I can when I can't.
Can you all just be quiet?
241
00:11:55,469 --> 00:11:57,489
Bert, do it now. Just one big hit
and it'll all be over.
242
00:11:57,549 --> 00:11:59,328
I've let you both down.
Just leave me here.
243
00:11:59,329 --> 00:12:01,189
You want her to come to the
cottage, don't you?
244
00:12:01,249 --> 00:12:03,648
You want us to take her home?
Everything's going wrong.
245
00:12:03,649 --> 00:12:06,849
Pull yourself together, Bert.
Take this bottle away from me.
246
00:12:06,929 --> 00:12:08,129
Pull yourself together, man.
247
00:12:08,269 --> 00:12:10,348
I'll come to the dinner.
I'll come to the dinner.
248
00:12:10,349 --> 00:12:13,389
I'll come to the dinner.
I'll COME TO THE DINNER!
249
00:12:17,229 --> 00:12:19,148
Thank you.
250
00:12:19,149 --> 00:12:22,349
I promise you're going
to have the time of your life. Amen.
251
00:12:24,769 --> 00:12:27,109
Back in the bad old days, the
villagers used my garden as a tip.
252
00:12:27,169 --> 00:12:29,248
Would you mind not calling them
the bad old days?
253
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:32,268
That's our current life you're
referring to, the bad present days.
254
00:12:32,269 --> 00:12:34,689
Have you thought about how
you're going to get rid of it?
255
00:12:34,769 --> 00:12:38,369
That's the sort of thought process I can
look forward to now, another classic,
256
00:12:38,529 --> 00:12:40,608
to put alongside "How do
I feed three men on a penny a day?"
257
00:12:40,609 --> 00:12:43,009
and "How do I get my fiancee to make
eye contact with me?"
258
00:12:44,589 --> 00:12:47,309
My advice is to act quickly,
before the...
259
00:12:47,489 --> 00:12:50,609
well, there's no way of sugaring this
pill - before the swarms of rats arrive.
260
00:12:50,689 --> 00:12:52,689
All right, let's knock that
exchange on the head now.
261
00:12:52,769 --> 00:12:54,489
We don't want that image
hanging over us.
262
00:12:54,669 --> 00:12:58,348
We're now in the main body
of the dinner party, so welcome.
263
00:12:58,349 --> 00:13:00,609
Please take a seat.
- Hello Valery.
264
00:13:00,769 --> 00:13:04,289
Oh, Winky. Did they kidnap you as
well? Yes, they did.
265
00:13:04,429 --> 00:13:07,488
Not really, Winky. She's my fiancee.
266
00:13:07,489 --> 00:13:09,388
Poor you.
I take each day as it comes.
267
00:13:09,389 --> 00:13:11,969
George should be coming round now
with the starters.
268
00:13:12,129 --> 00:13:14,688
Meanwhile please focus on me
for the beginning of the badinage.
269
00:13:14,689 --> 00:13:16,769
Now then. Did any funny stories
happen
270
00:13:16,929 --> 00:13:19,130
during my excursion with the
Campbell family in Margate?
271
00:13:19,149 --> 00:13:22,369
They certainly did. We'll begin with
Stanley. Does he have any teeth?
272
00:13:22,609 --> 00:13:23,809
He does not. How do I vex him?
273
00:13:23,969 --> 00:13:25,549
Why, with vinegar in the water jug.
274
00:13:27,249 --> 00:13:28,529
I don't understand.
275
00:13:28,569 --> 00:13:30,529
He has false teeth in a cup
by his bed.
276
00:13:30,689 --> 00:13:33,408
He fills the cup with water from a
jug. Cecil put vinegar in.
277
00:13:33,409 --> 00:13:35,429
So when he put his teeth in, he got
vinegar in his mouth.
278
00:13:35,489 --> 00:13:36,749
I think that's everything.
279
00:13:38,529 --> 00:13:40,768
OK, don't worry about that.
That was just froth, really.
280
00:13:40,769 --> 00:13:42,828
Let's get into something of more
substance.
281
00:13:42,829 --> 00:13:45,729
George would you like to lead
a discussion into the worrying
282
00:13:45,889 --> 00:13:48,729
problem of church reform?
Oh, God, Cecil, not that.
283
00:13:48,929 --> 00:13:51,149
We're sticking to the plan, Bert.
Have you planned this?
284
00:13:51,209 --> 00:13:53,209
There's no point in trying to
explain a complicated
285
00:13:53,249 --> 00:13:55,148
theological issue in five minutes,
Cecil.
286
00:13:55,149 --> 00:13:58,209
Yes, I know, George,
but remember what we...
287
00:13:58,269 --> 00:14:01,349
What was it you were saying earlier about
"If we don't reform the church..."?
288
00:14:01,389 --> 00:14:04,108
I was saying, if we don't
reform the church we might as well
289
00:14:04,109 --> 00:14:07,949
appoint dogs and cats as vicars and
have the ceremonies in a brothel.
290
00:14:09,569 --> 00:14:11,929
Or Catholicism, as I call it.
291
00:14:14,749 --> 00:14:16,448
Uh-huh.
292
00:14:16,449 --> 00:14:19,789
Oh, come on, that's witty.
293
00:14:19,809 --> 00:14:23,169
That's top stuff. Wow.
294
00:14:24,589 --> 00:14:28,108
All right. Not a problem. Hadn't
intended to bring this out so early,
295
00:14:28,109 --> 00:14:31,148
it's dessert fare really, but,
Bert, break open the blue vault.
296
00:14:31,149 --> 00:14:33,949
I thought I wasn't to tell any of
those stories. Change of plan.
297
00:14:34,009 --> 00:14:36,829
Ladies, if you're of a nervous
disposition, you'd better leave now.
298
00:14:36,989 --> 00:14:39,629
Otherwise prepare to taste true
pleasure in the company
299
00:14:39,709 --> 00:14:40,748
of these three libertines.
300
00:14:40,749 --> 00:14:42,988
Basically, I was in a pissing
competition...
301
00:14:42,989 --> 00:14:45,889
I don't want to hear about that.
Right. You're being difficult now.
302
00:14:45,949 --> 00:14:47,808
You're putting up barriers
to having fun.
303
00:14:47,809 --> 00:14:50,349
I don't want to hear
a story about urine.
304
00:14:50,509 --> 00:14:52,429
Yes, when you put it like that,
obviously...
305
00:14:52,509 --> 00:14:55,969
but, you know, that's a fun story.
306
00:14:56,129 --> 00:14:59,168
If it was midnight, that would
go down an absolute storm.
307
00:14:59,169 --> 00:15:00,129
Imagine it's midnight.
308
00:15:00,229 --> 00:15:02,029
There's a lot of imagining
involved here.
309
00:15:02,209 --> 00:15:04,529
Imagine it's midnight,
imagine you haven't been abducted.
310
00:15:06,029 --> 00:15:06,829
Oh, no.
311
00:15:08,189 --> 00:15:09,708
- What is it?
- Cecil?
312
00:15:09,709 --> 00:15:11,729
I bloody well invited bloody
Agnes round, didn't I?
313
00:15:11,809 --> 00:15:13,228
Well, why have you done that?
314
00:15:13,229 --> 00:15:15,109
I wanted to show off that we had
the leper over.
315
00:15:15,169 --> 00:15:16,448
If you've got it, flaunt it.
316
00:15:16,449 --> 00:15:18,349
I wanted her to see that
we've made a friend.
317
00:15:18,429 --> 00:15:22,689
Unfortunately, old Trimbo here's
turned nasty haven't you, you bad dog?
318
00:15:22,849 --> 00:15:24,209
Cecil, I can hear you're in
there.
319
00:15:24,269 --> 00:15:26,688
It's a long shot, but
when my sister comes in you wouldn't
320
00:15:26,689 --> 00:15:29,069
consider pretending to
enjoy our company, would you?
321
00:15:29,149 --> 00:15:30,969
Doesn't seem very likely. I see.
322
00:15:31,129 --> 00:15:34,189
In that case, we've... don't really
know how to sell this...
323
00:15:34,349 --> 00:15:36,269
We've got a lovely pantry,
with plenty of room.
324
00:15:36,289 --> 00:15:37,849
Are you at all attracted by the idea
325
00:15:38,029 --> 00:15:39,648
of fucking off into the pantry
for a mo?
326
00:15:39,649 --> 00:15:42,209
I'm not going to voluntarily go
and sit in your pantry.
327
00:15:42,249 --> 00:15:45,489
If you want me to be in the pantry, you're
going to have to put me in the pantry.
328
00:15:45,549 --> 00:15:48,108
You heard the lady, Bert.
Done it before, I'll do it again.
329
00:15:48,109 --> 00:15:49,408
Cecil! Bet you're wishing
330
00:15:49,409 --> 00:15:51,648
you'd never invited me round now,
aren't you.
331
00:15:51,649 --> 00:15:53,569
You're being antisocial
and uncooperative.
332
00:15:53,709 --> 00:15:55,969
Oh, I'm sorry for being
an uncooperative hostage.
333
00:15:56,129 --> 00:15:57,888
Have your other hostages been
more amenable?
334
00:15:57,889 --> 00:16:00,428
- They've been less sarcastic.
- What's taking so long?
335
00:16:00,429 --> 00:16:02,988
- Would you mind if I went
as well? Why do you want to go?
336
00:16:02,989 --> 00:16:04,609
I told Agnes I've stopped
coming round.
337
00:16:04,769 --> 00:16:07,308
That's a bit much. No, you're staying
out here, Winky.
338
00:16:07,309 --> 00:16:09,408
I'm going to stand up to Agnes on
that.
339
00:16:09,409 --> 00:16:11,329
She's gone, George.
Shall I get her out?
340
00:16:11,389 --> 00:16:13,088
Nah, leave her.
341
00:16:13,089 --> 00:16:14,369
Thanks, Georgie.
342
00:16:14,509 --> 00:16:15,969
Oh, Miss Trimble, I just
want to say,
343
00:16:16,109 --> 00:16:17,868
I'm sorry things have
escalated this way.
344
00:16:17,869 --> 00:16:20,289
I hope we can salvage
this and still be friends, one day.
345
00:16:20,389 --> 00:16:22,208
I prefer it here to be honest.
346
00:16:22,209 --> 00:16:24,829
There's rat poison to wash away the
taste of those vol-au-vents.
347
00:16:24,889 --> 00:16:27,629
They were exquisite and that
is demented. You're dead to me.
348
00:16:27,709 --> 00:16:28,769
Shhhhhh.
349
00:16:31,629 --> 00:16:33,069
Your garden's full of rubbish.
350
00:16:33,149 --> 00:16:35,589
Agnes, what a pleasure.
Why have you dragged me here, Cecil?
351
00:16:35,629 --> 00:16:38,509
Just to rub my nose in the fact that
you spend all day dossing?
352
00:16:38,689 --> 00:16:43,649
No, you're here because I want to
give you this... cup... back.
353
00:16:43,729 --> 00:16:45,389
I think we borrowed it a while ago.
354
00:16:45,469 --> 00:16:47,648
I've never seen that before.
Have you not? My mistake.
355
00:16:47,649 --> 00:16:49,728
How long do I have to stay
in here?
356
00:16:49,729 --> 00:16:52,609
Anyway, thanks for coming. Bye then.
Who was that? That was Winky.
357
00:16:52,749 --> 00:16:55,009
- It didn't sound like Winky.
- It is me, here I am.
358
00:16:55,069 --> 00:16:57,709
Why's Winky locked in the pantry?
359
00:16:57,729 --> 00:16:59,488
Because I've been bad.
360
00:16:59,489 --> 00:17:01,229
- Great answer.
361
00:17:01,409 --> 00:17:04,428
You pervert, George Wright. God only
knows what goes through your mind.
362
00:17:04,429 --> 00:17:07,468
I'm contacting Hesta
and the Parish Council to let them
363
00:17:07,469 --> 00:17:09,888
know you're imprisoning
a woman against her will.
364
00:17:09,889 --> 00:17:11,149
Two women.
365
00:17:11,329 --> 00:17:12,449
What?
366
00:17:12,489 --> 00:17:14,309
Two women,
if you're going. I'm also in here.
367
00:17:14,369 --> 00:17:15,649
- Who are you?
- Winky again.
368
00:17:16,769 --> 00:17:17,869
No, it's not.
369
00:17:18,029 --> 00:17:19,469
That was me as well.
370
00:17:19,629 --> 00:17:21,569
No, it wasn't. Me also.
371
00:17:21,689 --> 00:17:23,149
This is ridiculous.
372
00:17:23,329 --> 00:17:24,609
I repeat, ridiculous.
373
00:17:24,689 --> 00:17:26,529
Let it go now, Winky. OK.
374
00:17:26,609 --> 00:17:28,449
- Who else is in there?
- Miss Trimble.
375
00:17:28,609 --> 00:17:29,569
Who?
376
00:17:29,729 --> 00:17:30,669
Miss Trimble.
377
00:17:35,309 --> 00:17:36,769
The village leper.
378
00:17:37,569 --> 00:17:39,789
Oh.
Can you let me out of here, please?
379
00:17:39,949 --> 00:17:43,009
I'm going to make sure everyone
knows about this.
380
00:17:43,149 --> 00:17:45,869
It's OK. It's over.
In for a penny. What?
381
00:17:45,949 --> 00:17:48,769
Cecil! You bastard!
382
00:17:48,909 --> 00:17:50,688
Already can't remember why
I did that.
383
00:17:50,689 --> 00:17:53,089
At one swoop you've considerably
worsened matters.
384
00:17:53,249 --> 00:17:55,949
- What do I do now?
- Let me out, you little shit!
385
00:17:56,109 --> 00:17:57,408
Um, if I let you out, you're not
386
00:17:57,409 --> 00:17:59,328
going to say anything to anyone,
are you?
387
00:17:59,329 --> 00:18:01,728
Of course I'm going to say
something to everyone.
388
00:18:01,729 --> 00:18:03,648
- Not a good bargaining tactic,
Agnes. Unlucky.
389
00:18:03,649 --> 00:18:05,469
Just out of interest,
what's your long game?
390
00:18:05,529 --> 00:18:08,289
Presumably you're not going to leave
her in there until she dies,
391
00:18:08,349 --> 00:18:10,348
so, given that she will be coming
out at some point,
392
00:18:10,349 --> 00:18:12,289
every second this
goes on, the worse it gets.
393
00:18:12,449 --> 00:18:14,029
I know that, George. I just...
394
00:18:14,209 --> 00:18:16,109
Cecil, I'm not shitting you,
let me out now.
395
00:18:16,289 --> 00:18:19,488
There's no amount of time you could
leave her in there that would result
396
00:18:19,489 --> 00:18:21,469
in a better outcome than just letting
her out now.
397
00:18:21,529 --> 00:18:23,649
But if I let her out now,
it will definitely be bad.
398
00:18:23,789 --> 00:18:27,009
I agree. It's bad both ways, Cecil.
It's one of those.
399
00:18:27,089 --> 00:18:29,069
It is one of those.
400
00:18:29,149 --> 00:18:31,329
Just... Just... give me a minute.
401
00:18:32,749 --> 00:18:34,048
Open the door!
402
00:18:34,049 --> 00:18:37,249
You're not going to win this one,
Cecil. Hang on. Let me think.
403
00:18:38,929 --> 00:18:41,569
What are you thinking about?
404
00:18:41,729 --> 00:18:43,489
Thinking about the past.
405
00:18:49,569 --> 00:18:52,589
"After dinner, cigars and liqueurs
are served to the gentlemen,
406
00:18:52,669 --> 00:18:55,808
"coffee, Apollinaris, or other
sparkling waters to the ladies.
407
00:18:55,809 --> 00:18:58,688
"It is also sensible to have
recourse to a light entertainment,
408
00:18:58,689 --> 00:19:01,408
"in case your guests wish to
continue socialising.
409
00:19:01,409 --> 00:19:03,789
"Current fashions are for bridge
or stargazing.
410
00:19:03,969 --> 00:19:06,629
"No matter how you choose to
finish your evening, if you have
411
00:19:06,849 --> 00:19:09,388
"followed our guidelines, your party
is sure to be the highlight of the
412
00:19:09,389 --> 00:19:10,528
"season and the subject of
413
00:19:10,529 --> 00:19:13,409
"favourable discussion for several
weekends."
414
00:19:13,549 --> 00:19:15,788
I'm still in here, you know.
That was me!
415
00:19:15,789 --> 00:19:18,209
We're not doing that any more, Winky.
35494
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