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1
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? Hosannah in Excelcis
2
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? E'en so here below, below,
let steeple bells be swungen
3
00:00:36,980 --> 00:00:38,820
? And I-o, i-o, i-o... ?
4
00:00:38,828 --> 00:00:40,888
Bert, what are you doing?
5
00:00:41,068 --> 00:00:42,987
Oh, sorry! Sometimes I like to sing
Christmas songs
6
00:00:42,988 --> 00:00:45,367
when it's not even Christmas.
No, not that.
7
00:00:45,368 --> 00:00:46,568
What are you wearing?
8
00:00:46,828 --> 00:00:48,727
Just my house dress.
What's that?
9
00:00:48,728 --> 00:00:50,667
It's a dress to change into
when I come home.
10
00:00:50,668 --> 00:00:52,087
Not an explanation.
11
00:00:52,088 --> 00:00:54,807
If it's jealousy at work here,
I bought you one each as well.
12
00:00:54,808 --> 00:00:56,587
Where are all these dresses
coming from?
13
00:00:56,588 --> 00:00:58,327
All right, I'll tell you the story.
14
00:00:58,328 --> 00:01:01,847
I did go to the gents' outfitters
to look for some non-dresses.
15
00:01:01,848 --> 00:01:04,048
Some clothes.
But they've been shut up,
16
00:01:04,068 --> 00:01:07,288
so I went to Frocks By Fiona instead
and, word to the wise,
17
00:01:07,448 --> 00:01:09,867
they've got some genuinely
innovative pieces in there.
18
00:01:09,868 --> 00:01:11,288
Are you wearing make-up?
19
00:01:11,468 --> 00:01:13,548
Oh, my God. Spanish inquisition.
20
00:01:13,688 --> 00:01:15,948
How much have you got on?
Not very much. Right.
21
00:01:16,108 --> 00:01:18,007
People aren't really wearing
a lot of make-up at the moment.
22
00:01:18,008 --> 00:01:20,688
So you're not wearing very much, but
only because it's not fashionable
23
00:01:20,728 --> 00:01:22,987
to wear very much. Oh, yeah. If it
was fashionable, I'd slather it on.
24
00:01:22,988 --> 00:01:25,208
I'm definitely a more is
more kind of guy.
25
00:01:33,388 --> 00:01:35,768
This quiz has lost a certain
something since the men left.
26
00:01:35,928 --> 00:01:37,628
It used to be brilliant.
Now it's just...
27
00:01:37,708 --> 00:01:40,587
What's the best way to cheer up a
friend whose relationship has ended?
28
00:01:40,588 --> 00:01:42,028
This sort of thing.
29
00:01:42,148 --> 00:01:44,427
Anything for that, George?
I'm on terrible form.
30
00:01:44,428 --> 00:01:47,408
I'm not going to be winning any
prizes for answering pub quiz questions, that's for sure.
31
00:01:47,448 --> 00:01:50,188
Question six - share an experience,
however small.
32
00:01:50,348 --> 00:01:51,788
And what do we put for that?
33
00:01:51,948 --> 00:01:53,868
I don't know,
it's not even a question.
34
00:01:53,948 --> 00:01:55,528
Time to sprinkle my tinkle.
35
00:02:04,248 --> 00:02:05,928
Oh, sorry.
36
00:02:05,988 --> 00:02:07,768
Don't you want to use the toilet?
37
00:02:07,948 --> 00:02:10,788
Yeah, but...
There's one free there.
38
00:02:10,868 --> 00:02:12,268
Thank you.
39
00:02:12,428 --> 00:02:14,987
That's... fine.
40
00:02:14,988 --> 00:02:18,507
Yeah, so, as I was saying, my left
one is bigger than my right one.
41
00:02:18,508 --> 00:02:19,788
Do you wear a special bra?
42
00:02:19,948 --> 00:02:22,348
No, I just pad it out with tissue.
In fact...
43
00:02:23,548 --> 00:02:24,568
Can I pinch a square?
44
00:02:33,228 --> 00:02:34,487
What's up, Cecil?
45
00:02:34,488 --> 00:02:37,707
The men's toilets were out of order.
They're being used for storage.
46
00:02:37,708 --> 00:02:38,827
Storage of what?
47
00:02:38,828 --> 00:02:40,907
The billiards table mainly.
Well, let's get that back out.
48
00:02:40,908 --> 00:02:42,507
I think that might be a bit tactless.
49
00:02:42,508 --> 00:02:44,248
What, because it would
disrupt the quiz?
50
00:02:44,268 --> 00:02:46,648
No, because of the memories
of the men who used to play
51
00:02:46,808 --> 00:02:48,748
billiards around it,
many of whom are now dead.
52
00:02:48,828 --> 00:02:50,347
Yeah, dead from embarrassment.
53
00:02:50,348 --> 00:02:52,728
Bottom of the
inter-village league 1913.
54
00:02:52,808 --> 00:02:55,148
The lads had an absolute shocker.
55
00:03:00,588 --> 00:03:03,928
So I went into the ladies
and there were some ladies in there.
56
00:03:04,088 --> 00:03:06,988
So I went to leave,
but they didn't seem to mind.
57
00:03:07,048 --> 00:03:09,068
And then they started
talking about their bodies,
58
00:03:09,148 --> 00:03:10,668
as though I wasn't even there.
59
00:03:10,828 --> 00:03:12,268
I'm going to try.
60
00:03:13,448 --> 00:03:17,527
George. George.
Question four - nutmeg.
61
00:03:17,528 --> 00:03:19,767
Nutmeg, of course!
You grate it on top.
62
00:03:19,768 --> 00:03:21,688
George, I don't approve of cheating.
63
00:03:21,868 --> 00:03:24,728
It's not cheating, I knew that,
I just hadn't written it down.
64
00:03:26,368 --> 00:03:28,747
I thought you said we were allowed
to do whatever we wanted?
65
00:03:28,748 --> 00:03:30,668
I didn't say that.
It was that man there!
66
00:03:30,748 --> 00:03:32,108
We should probably go.
67
00:03:40,268 --> 00:03:43,927
I love our home. Home from home.
The Home Secretary.
68
00:03:43,928 --> 00:03:46,028
It's funny to think without
the war the three of us
69
00:03:46,188 --> 00:03:47,767
would never have been
brought together.
70
00:03:47,768 --> 00:03:49,768
Cecil wouldn't have
been chucked out of his house,
71
00:03:49,908 --> 00:03:52,188
and Cecil wouldn't have been
reclassified as an cripple.
72
00:03:52,248 --> 00:03:53,068
They're both me.
73
00:03:53,108 --> 00:03:55,728
Oh, Christ, I think the Headmaster
is paying us one of his visits.
74
00:03:55,768 --> 00:03:57,388
What? No! Shh.
75
00:04:00,428 --> 00:04:03,448
Hello, Headmaster.
This is a bad place.
76
00:04:03,628 --> 00:04:04,747
Would you like to come in?
77
00:04:04,748 --> 00:04:06,827
Me? Set foot in here?
78
00:04:06,828 --> 00:04:09,228
Not if you don't want to.
All right, I will.
79
00:04:09,388 --> 00:04:11,307
You men not having another drink?
80
00:04:11,308 --> 00:04:12,408
It's only Tuesday.
81
00:04:12,568 --> 00:04:16,087
Ladies and gentlemen, may I present
George, the human calendar.
82
00:04:16,088 --> 00:04:17,867
Always knows what day it is.
83
00:04:17,868 --> 00:04:18,967
That's not a bad thing, Bert.
84
00:04:18,968 --> 00:04:20,907
It's not a good thing.
It is a good thing.
85
00:04:20,908 --> 00:04:25,228
Jesus. You're not all here are you?
The full set.
86
00:04:25,308 --> 00:04:26,728
I'm just off to bed actually.
87
00:04:26,968 --> 00:04:31,288
Stay now you're here. What have
you got to get up for anyway?
88
00:04:31,468 --> 00:04:33,868
Fair point.
That's right, linger.
89
00:04:33,928 --> 00:04:36,707
Suffer me to see you.
90
00:04:36,708 --> 00:04:39,127
Look at this dump.
91
00:04:39,128 --> 00:04:42,168
I feel better already,
thinking about how you all live.
92
00:04:42,328 --> 00:04:43,627
In each others' pockets.
93
00:04:43,628 --> 00:04:48,268
Broken souls, broken men,
bad people.
94
00:04:48,328 --> 00:04:51,448
It makes me rather gay.
95
00:04:51,608 --> 00:04:53,188
One for the road, George,
96
00:04:53,368 --> 00:04:56,428
then I'll be out of your way.
97
00:05:00,568 --> 00:05:02,487
And that's the thing
about Hindus,
98
00:05:02,488 --> 00:05:05,687
they walk from right to left,
no matter what direction you
99
00:05:05,688 --> 00:05:08,727
wanted to go in the first place,
and that's why they can't, for the
100
00:05:08,728 --> 00:05:13,448
life of them, establish any kind
of internal infrastructure.
101
00:05:13,508 --> 00:05:15,287
Does that answer your question?
102
00:05:15,288 --> 00:05:16,587
I didn't ask a question.
103
00:05:16,588 --> 00:05:20,888
Well, I must say
I feel in much better fettle.
104
00:05:21,048 --> 00:05:23,127
There's nothing like the
shock to the system you
105
00:05:23,128 --> 00:05:25,387
get coming into
a hovel like this.
106
00:05:25,388 --> 00:05:26,967
You've done me a service.
107
00:05:26,968 --> 00:05:29,708
Good night, you miserable creatures.
108
00:05:29,848 --> 00:05:31,068
Good night, Headmaster.
109
00:05:31,108 --> 00:05:34,028
By the way, just wanted to
double-check you've remembered about my strike tomorrow.
110
00:05:34,108 --> 00:05:35,128
What strike?
111
00:05:35,288 --> 00:05:38,748
I'm going on a day's strike in protest at the
withdrawal of German from the curriculum.
112
00:05:38,808 --> 00:05:40,887
I did drop you a note.
Is that what it was?
113
00:05:40,888 --> 00:05:42,987
I didn't understand a word of it.
114
00:05:42,988 --> 00:05:45,048
I thought it would be amusing to
write it in German.
115
00:05:46,328 --> 00:05:50,028
Well, that's taken the shine off
what was shaping up to be a very
116
00:05:50,168 --> 00:05:51,628
nice little evening.
117
00:05:51,728 --> 00:05:53,547
Oh, don't let George get to you.
118
00:05:53,548 --> 00:05:55,248
Let me tell you
something about George.
119
00:05:55,288 --> 00:05:59,128
According to his fiancee,
he once got blown over by some wind.
120
00:06:01,768 --> 00:06:05,047
What a travesty of a man.
121
00:06:05,048 --> 00:06:09,847
It's true. It's true. Do you know
what his favourite food is?
122
00:06:09,848 --> 00:06:12,588
It's mackerel.
123
00:06:12,748 --> 00:06:17,208
Well, that makes
absolutely perfect sense!
124
00:06:17,288 --> 00:06:19,468
Bert, what are you doing?
125
00:06:20,728 --> 00:06:22,888
What's your name, soldier?
Soldier, of all things.
126
00:06:23,128 --> 00:06:26,828
It's Bert.
Fancy a taste of the chalk, Bert?
127
00:06:26,908 --> 00:06:28,107
Have you got some on you?
128
00:06:28,108 --> 00:06:30,968
I mean would you like to be
a teacher? It's easy.
129
00:06:31,128 --> 00:06:32,427
I'll do it.
130
00:06:32,428 --> 00:06:33,867
I'm not convinced by you.
131
00:06:33,868 --> 00:06:36,747
Why not?
Why does nobody believe in me?
132
00:06:36,748 --> 00:06:38,188
Will you do it?
Love to.
133
00:06:38,328 --> 00:06:41,208
And the irony is you led me
right to him.
134
00:06:41,288 --> 00:06:43,447
The main irony is he can't add up.
135
00:06:43,448 --> 00:06:44,908
What a terrible evening.
136
00:06:47,048 --> 00:06:48,747
Well, didn't follow any of that.
137
00:06:48,748 --> 00:06:50,488
Hope he didn't leave on my account.
138
00:06:50,508 --> 00:06:53,028
No. You've just agreed to cover
George's work tomorrow.
139
00:06:53,108 --> 00:06:54,327
Hmmm, interesting.
140
00:06:54,328 --> 00:06:56,087
What was it you did again,
George - boxer, was it?
141
00:06:56,088 --> 00:06:57,528
Teacher.
Boxing teacher?
142
00:06:57,708 --> 00:06:59,468
Maths teacher.
Where have I got boxing from?
143
00:06:59,608 --> 00:07:00,268
I don't know.
144
00:07:03,148 --> 00:07:04,747
Why have you bought tinned liver?
145
00:07:04,748 --> 00:07:06,188
It was the only thing
she would sell me.
146
00:07:06,268 --> 00:07:09,068
This has a best before date of 1901.
147
00:07:09,228 --> 00:07:11,608
Ladies first.
Oh, thank you.
148
00:07:15,268 --> 00:07:16,888
Did you hear that?
What?
149
00:07:16,968 --> 00:07:18,468
She said, "Ladies first."
150
00:07:18,568 --> 00:07:19,948
Oh, right. Ha.
151
00:07:20,008 --> 00:07:22,008
There's something
going on in this village.
152
00:07:22,188 --> 00:07:24,888
It's almost like men
and women are... not equal,
153
00:07:24,968 --> 00:07:26,348
that would be ridiculous, but...
154
00:07:26,508 --> 00:07:29,068
it's like they don't know I'm a man.
Is that it?
155
00:07:29,228 --> 00:07:30,948
Have they forgotten that I'm a man?
156
00:07:31,108 --> 00:07:34,168
Oh, dear, Cecil. You've really
got your knickers in a twist.
157
00:07:34,328 --> 00:07:37,688
I don't wear knickers. I'm a boy.
158
00:07:50,388 --> 00:07:52,728
Ah! Ladies, can I help?
159
00:07:52,908 --> 00:07:54,988
That's all right.
We're almost finished now is all.
160
00:07:55,028 --> 00:07:58,187
Also, it's pretty tough on account
of it being traditionally man's work.
161
00:07:58,188 --> 00:07:59,448
I wish we were men!
162
00:07:59,608 --> 00:08:02,348
You're better off out of it,
sweetheart! Thanks though!
163
00:08:02,508 --> 00:08:04,748
So... are you saying...?
164
00:08:04,908 --> 00:08:09,068
Cos the thing is,
to a certain extent, I am a man.
165
00:08:10,348 --> 00:08:13,707
Oh right, yeah, I get that.
Well, what's the difference really?
166
00:08:13,708 --> 00:08:17,527
Men, women. We're all, in a
sort of human sense, women.
167
00:08:17,528 --> 00:08:18,827
We're all women?
168
00:08:18,828 --> 00:08:21,548
Oh, no, I just meant in the
sense of 'womankind...
169
00:08:21,688 --> 00:08:23,288
Anyway, thanks for the offer.
170
00:08:24,888 --> 00:08:27,468
Ooooh, I like your shoes.
Thanks.
171
00:08:30,988 --> 00:08:35,368
My name is Bert Walpole
and I have some things to teach you.
172
00:08:35,508 --> 00:08:37,527
You want my opinion,
you're wasting your time here.
173
00:08:37,528 --> 00:08:41,868
My dad used to say, if you want some money,
marry a rich old whore and slit her throat.
174
00:08:43,468 --> 00:08:46,007
You're giving her 8 out of 10?
You're giving Neelands an eight?
175
00:08:46,008 --> 00:08:47,607
I don't know what you see in her.
176
00:08:47,608 --> 00:08:50,008
These two are not
even in the same league.
177
00:08:50,088 --> 00:08:51,307
Who's got the whisky?
178
00:08:51,308 --> 00:08:55,788
Birthmark, have you had all of that?
Jesus, show a bit of restraint.
179
00:08:55,848 --> 00:08:59,308
Kidding, I'd do the same
in your shoes. Prop him back up.
180
00:09:03,768 --> 00:09:05,547
Ragged a Duchess once.
181
00:09:05,548 --> 00:09:07,948
They do not screw like
the rest of us.
182
00:09:08,028 --> 00:09:09,048
He knows what I mean.
183
00:09:12,588 --> 00:09:18,348
Is this a more acceptable
noise level, Mrs Littlefair?!
184
00:09:19,908 --> 00:09:22,168
How long's that been?
Is that nearly the end of the day?
185
00:09:22,248 --> 00:09:24,648
It's only ten past nine, Bert.
186
00:09:24,708 --> 00:09:25,548
Bloody hell.
187
00:09:32,388 --> 00:09:34,328
Cecil, you old bollocks!
188
00:09:34,508 --> 00:09:36,267
Constance? What are you doing here?
189
00:09:36,268 --> 00:09:37,548
I'm over from town.
190
00:09:37,688 --> 00:09:40,748
Mum's expanding the delivery route
and I'm covering my brother's round.
191
00:09:40,828 --> 00:09:42,028
How's it going?
192
00:09:42,108 --> 00:09:43,467
Not great.
193
00:09:43,468 --> 00:09:46,507
They're making me wee sitting down
and calling me ladies first. Why?
194
00:09:46,508 --> 00:09:49,047
I dunno.
I guess cos I'm not in the army.
195
00:09:49,048 --> 00:09:51,108
But you've got flat feet.
So what's the issue?
196
00:09:51,288 --> 00:09:54,348
People don't realise how serious
an affliction it is. I know!
197
00:09:54,508 --> 00:09:56,248
An army pack weighs 80 pounds.
198
00:09:56,328 --> 00:09:59,628
Broken arches can't spread the weight
evenly without crippling pain.
199
00:09:59,788 --> 00:10:01,227
Yes, thank you!
200
00:10:01,228 --> 00:10:05,068
Your feet become so sore and
swollen, they can't fit into the boot.
201
00:10:05,128 --> 00:10:06,027
Bloody right!
202
00:10:06,028 --> 00:10:09,208
God, I wouldn't be seen with you
if I thought you were a shirker.
203
00:10:09,388 --> 00:10:11,528
I hate those bastards.
204
00:10:11,668 --> 00:10:13,847
George Wright for example.
205
00:10:13,848 --> 00:10:16,887
You have to take an absolutely firm
line with creatures like that.
206
00:10:16,888 --> 00:10:18,828
They should be locked in a cell
with a cannibal
207
00:10:18,988 --> 00:10:23,128
and when the cannibal eats them, he
should be knighted or made an MBE.
208
00:10:23,288 --> 00:10:26,647
Constance, may I say something?
209
00:10:26,648 --> 00:10:29,547
What you just said has
really moved me.
210
00:10:29,548 --> 00:10:30,968
Good to see you, Cecil.
211
00:10:31,128 --> 00:10:33,828
Nice to spend some time
with a man for a change.
212
00:10:33,908 --> 00:10:35,788
I'll have to make the most of you.
213
00:10:59,230 --> 00:11:00,850
Oh, boy. What a day.
214
00:11:00,892 --> 00:11:02,031
Such a long day.
215
00:11:02,032 --> 00:11:04,212
So long, I thought it was never
going to end. Absolutely.
216
00:11:04,252 --> 00:11:06,492
It was the longest day of my life.
Hey, Winky.
217
00:11:06,672 --> 00:11:07,452
Schnarf!
218
00:11:09,712 --> 00:11:11,471
Schnarf!
Bad!
219
00:11:11,472 --> 00:11:13,071
What's this?
Don't ask.
220
00:11:13,072 --> 00:11:15,931
Go on. She'll tell you about
it later, George.
221
00:11:15,932 --> 00:11:18,192
I wish he was in every day.
222
00:11:18,352 --> 00:11:20,312
Sorry, I think we're both
just a little bit giddy.
223
00:11:20,352 --> 00:11:21,392
Too much time together.
224
00:11:21,472 --> 00:11:23,132
Practically inside her.
225
00:11:24,232 --> 00:11:26,932
I must admit it does tickle me
to see my betrothed laugh so much...
226
00:11:26,972 --> 00:11:29,232
In a second, I'll have to do
Dr Wigglebum.
227
00:11:29,392 --> 00:11:31,952
No, don't. I'm going to get a drink.
228
00:11:31,972 --> 00:11:34,432
Don't you dare. Women shouldn't have
to get their own drinks.
229
00:11:34,512 --> 00:11:36,592
They should be pampered.
230
00:11:36,672 --> 00:11:38,352
Bert. What?
231
00:11:38,492 --> 00:11:39,931
Can you not kiss my fiancee, please?
232
00:11:39,932 --> 00:11:42,332
I could just as easily say,
can you not kiss my colleague.
233
00:11:42,492 --> 00:11:44,251
That's not a rule in quite
the same way.
234
00:11:44,252 --> 00:11:46,331
Also I didn't kiss her.
Can't get near her.
235
00:11:46,332 --> 00:11:49,072
Yeah. Sorry.
I won't kiss her in front of you.
236
00:11:51,372 --> 00:11:53,691
And I'll assume you won't kiss
her behind my back either.
237
00:11:53,692 --> 00:11:54,652
Assume away.
238
00:11:54,732 --> 00:11:56,432
Cecil?
239
00:11:56,592 --> 00:11:58,991
What's that, a girl?
The first rumble of adolescence.
240
00:11:58,992 --> 00:12:00,292
Shut up, Bert.
241
00:12:02,952 --> 00:12:04,352
Thought this must be your house,
242
00:12:04,432 --> 00:12:06,032
it says Fat Ugly Cripple
above the door.
243
00:12:07,792 --> 00:12:11,131
So, I've ended up staying with
my aunt and going back tomorrow.
244
00:12:11,132 --> 00:12:13,551
I expect you must be busy
this evening... Not in any way.
245
00:12:13,552 --> 00:12:16,052
You must have lots of your own
things to be getting on with though.
246
00:12:16,092 --> 00:12:18,352
Nothing. Nothing in my life.
Apart from you.
247
00:12:18,432 --> 00:12:19,412
Apart from you coming round.
248
00:12:19,452 --> 00:12:20,731
'Be a bit keener.'
249
00:12:20,732 --> 00:12:22,971
And look, you've got people over,
I'm going to go.
250
00:12:22,972 --> 00:12:24,271
Really nice to see you.
251
00:12:24,272 --> 00:12:27,312
Cecil, are you not going to
invite your guest in?
252
00:12:27,472 --> 00:12:28,572
What are they doing here?
253
00:12:28,752 --> 00:12:31,311
Yes. What it is...
254
00:12:31,312 --> 00:12:34,971
They are staying here so that I can
talk them into joining the army.
255
00:12:34,972 --> 00:12:38,492
Like beating my head
against a brick wall.
256
00:12:38,512 --> 00:12:40,252
Do you three spend
a lot of time together?
257
00:12:40,272 --> 00:12:42,512
None. I literally only come to
this house to sleep.
258
00:12:42,652 --> 00:12:45,012
So every night? Sounds like a lot
when you put it like that.
259
00:12:45,052 --> 00:12:46,651
I suppose it must be
every night though.
260
00:12:46,652 --> 00:12:48,592
It's every other night.
261
00:12:48,652 --> 00:12:50,491
A lot of the time I don't
bother to come home,
262
00:12:50,492 --> 00:12:52,012
so actually I rarely bump into them.
263
00:12:52,072 --> 00:12:54,191
This is really the first time
we've spent together in ages.
264
00:12:54,192 --> 00:12:55,951
Good to see them, actually.
I mean, not good.
265
00:12:55,952 --> 00:12:59,672
Bad. But unusual to see them.
My, how they grow.
266
00:12:59,852 --> 00:13:01,852
Well, perhaps I better
come back at another time.
267
00:13:01,932 --> 00:13:04,592
No, no, stay. These two were
just going to the pub.
268
00:13:04,632 --> 00:13:06,811
On laundry night? I'd love to hear
how that works, Cecil.
269
00:13:06,812 --> 00:13:09,192
Fine. You two stay here if the
thought of a couple of hours
270
00:13:09,392 --> 00:13:11,591
in a warm pub is really so
impossible to bear.
271
00:13:11,592 --> 00:13:12,572
We'll go to the pub.
272
00:13:14,012 --> 00:13:15,292
Wait for us.
273
00:13:15,372 --> 00:13:16,571
Where are you going?
274
00:13:16,572 --> 00:13:18,811
Pub.
You just made it sound quite nice.
275
00:13:18,812 --> 00:13:21,312
Right, this is a separate trip.
We do not recognize it.
276
00:13:21,352 --> 00:13:23,472
Stay a minimum of 20 paces
back at all times,
277
00:13:23,612 --> 00:13:26,832
and do not engage with us socially
at any point during the evening.
278
00:13:28,732 --> 00:13:32,272
Hello, watch your wallets, folks.
You pubbing it tonight, Dribbler?
279
00:13:32,432 --> 00:13:34,992
Damn hell right, I am.
It's going to be biblical.
280
00:13:35,152 --> 00:13:36,112
See you later.
281
00:13:36,192 --> 00:13:37,691
You'd make a good father, Bert.
282
00:13:37,692 --> 00:13:40,052
Oh, slow down, Winky, I don't
think we've got to that stage yet.
283
00:13:40,112 --> 00:13:41,212
Oh, no!
284
00:13:41,392 --> 00:13:43,472
Although, hypothetically, I think
you and I would actually have
285
00:13:43,612 --> 00:13:45,392
really beautiful children.
Well, if they had your eyes...
286
00:13:45,552 --> 00:13:47,631
And your body... Okey-dokey.
Just going to drop my bag off.
287
00:13:47,632 --> 00:13:50,671
All right, my love, I'll wait for
you here. Back in a tick!
288
00:13:50,672 --> 00:13:52,112
I'll be waiting too.
289
00:13:55,292 --> 00:13:57,232
Bert, there's something I feel
I must raise.
290
00:13:57,392 --> 00:14:01,031
I love our moments, George. Ever
thought about growing a moustache?
291
00:14:01,032 --> 00:14:02,351
Possibly.
292
00:14:02,352 --> 00:14:03,912
I'd be happy to supervise it
if you wanted.
293
00:14:04,032 --> 00:14:06,331
All right. I didn't...
What do you mean supervise?
294
00:14:06,332 --> 00:14:07,792
You'd be the boss, George.
I'd follow your lead.
295
00:14:07,932 --> 00:14:10,812
Right. Well, we'll look into that,
but in the meantime there is something else.
296
00:14:10,972 --> 00:14:13,212
You're hoping that I might
about-turn on the old Winky offensive?
297
00:14:13,372 --> 00:14:15,631
If possible. George, don't say
another word about it.
298
00:14:15,632 --> 00:14:17,552
You're a good friend of mine.
Thanks.
299
00:14:17,692 --> 00:14:20,251
So you are going to
lay off her then?
300
00:14:20,252 --> 00:14:21,852
No can do, I'm afraid, old toss.
301
00:14:22,032 --> 00:14:23,771
But you just said you would.
302
00:14:23,772 --> 00:14:25,712
No, I said don't say another
word about it
303
00:14:25,852 --> 00:14:28,613
because tedium doesn't even cover it
and you're a good friend of mine,
304
00:14:28,752 --> 00:14:30,432
that's just an irrelevant fact,
at the end.
305
00:14:30,512 --> 00:14:32,592
Adding a fact on at the end -
doesn't cost anything.
306
00:14:32,752 --> 00:14:34,671
Almonds are a member
of the peach family.
307
00:14:34,672 --> 00:14:37,691
Please, Bert, I love Winky so much,
and I've wanted her to be my
308
00:14:37,692 --> 00:14:40,892
wife for four and a half years and
now it's finally happening and I'll
309
00:14:41,052 --> 00:14:43,952
take care of her and we're going to
live a quiet, happy life together.
310
00:14:44,112 --> 00:14:46,512
I'm going to buy five Dobermans
and they'll all sleep in the bed with me,
311
00:14:46,672 --> 00:14:49,232
we've both got plans for the future,
George. At least what I'm doing's original.
312
00:14:49,372 --> 00:14:52,752
Please, don't be facetious,
this is my life. All right, look.
313
00:14:52,912 --> 00:14:54,552
I'm not very good at
matters of the heart.
314
00:14:54,652 --> 00:14:55,772
The thing is...
315
00:14:57,232 --> 00:15:01,551
It's so difficult to express myself.
Bear with me. Take your time.
316
00:15:01,552 --> 00:15:03,932
OK. I've... bloody hell.
317
00:15:05,692 --> 00:15:08,751
I've wanted Winky to be my wife
for four and half years now.
318
00:15:08,752 --> 00:15:10,992
Bert! And, you know,
it's finally happening.
319
00:15:11,152 --> 00:15:13,051
You can't just
steal my emotions, Bert.
320
00:15:13,052 --> 00:15:15,752
Why not? You must have stolen yours
from somewhere!
321
00:15:15,952 --> 00:15:16,912
Hi, love. Hi, sweetie.
322
00:15:39,292 --> 00:15:41,211
Oh, this looks promising.
323
00:15:41,212 --> 00:15:42,352
Tell me why you're miserable
324
00:15:42,492 --> 00:15:44,271
and whatever else terrible is
happening to you.
325
00:15:44,272 --> 00:15:46,492
Winky's receiving sustained
attacks from Bert
326
00:15:46,652 --> 00:15:48,591
and I'm powerless to defend her.
Oh, God.
327
00:15:48,592 --> 00:15:49,752
You see what happens, George?
328
00:15:49,872 --> 00:15:51,932
You've given her a taste for the
dark stuff and now she needs ever
329
00:15:52,092 --> 00:15:53,552
greater quantities of it to keep her
satisfied.
330
00:15:53,712 --> 00:15:56,111
I suppose I did rather give her
a taste for the dark stuff.
331
00:15:56,112 --> 00:15:57,691
Well. This situation is going
to be reversed.
332
00:15:57,692 --> 00:15:59,611
I will not have her
slip into the pit.
333
00:15:59,612 --> 00:16:01,392
Thanks for not considering me
the pit.
334
00:16:01,532 --> 00:16:04,112
Bert's the bottom of the pit.
You're a little seat carved into the side of the pit.
335
00:16:04,272 --> 00:16:05,552
Doesn't sound too bad.
It is bad.
336
00:16:05,692 --> 00:16:08,252
Depends what the pit's like.
It's a bad pit.
337
00:16:11,152 --> 00:16:15,292
Well, this is nice. Something new.
338
00:16:15,452 --> 00:16:17,371
Speaking of introducing
Winky to new things,
339
00:16:17,372 --> 00:16:19,771
why don't you tell
her your views on marriage, Bert?
340
00:16:19,772 --> 00:16:21,691
Oh, glad you've asked.
341
00:16:21,692 --> 00:16:25,232
I know the past 10,000 years have
not been kind to this idea,
342
00:16:25,372 --> 00:16:28,013
but it is my belief that the wife
should be buried alive along with
343
00:16:28,112 --> 00:16:32,432
the husband when he dies so that he
may keep her in the next world.
344
00:16:38,652 --> 00:16:40,112
Too easy.
345
00:16:44,592 --> 00:16:46,032
Here you are, my love.
346
00:16:46,112 --> 00:16:47,611
Go on then, Cecil, I'll treat ya.
347
00:16:47,612 --> 00:16:48,731
No, I'll get it.
348
00:16:48,732 --> 00:16:52,492
Keep quiet, I'm doing you a favour!
Buy yourself something nice.
349
00:16:52,632 --> 00:16:54,032
What's happening?
350
00:16:54,192 --> 00:16:56,091
It's just a bill, Cecil.
You've still got a cock.
351
00:16:56,092 --> 00:16:58,252
Yes. I certainly have.
352
00:16:58,392 --> 00:16:59,852
Excuse me.
353
00:16:59,912 --> 00:17:01,851
You've forgotten your handbag.
354
00:17:01,852 --> 00:17:02,992
It's not my handbag.
355
00:17:03,132 --> 00:17:04,431
It's mine.
356
00:17:04,432 --> 00:17:06,992
It's NOT my handbag.
357
00:17:08,192 --> 00:17:10,651
I've had just about enough of this.
358
00:17:10,652 --> 00:17:14,352
Right. Order! Order, pub!!
359
00:17:14,512 --> 00:17:16,591
I am a man!
360
00:17:16,592 --> 00:17:17,692
And I'm going to prove it to you.
361
00:17:17,872 --> 00:17:19,473
That statement never leads
anywhere good.
362
00:17:19,632 --> 00:17:22,971
I want you to challenge me to assert
my manhood in some way, physical
363
00:17:22,972 --> 00:17:26,331
or violent if necessary, dangerous
and frightening if possible.
364
00:17:26,332 --> 00:17:29,231
What can Cecil do, ladies and
gentlemen? Cut your head off.
365
00:17:29,232 --> 00:17:31,631
Not doing that, obviously.
I like the thought though.
366
00:17:31,632 --> 00:17:33,232
Fly out of the pub.
367
00:17:34,352 --> 00:17:36,411
OK, you're mucking around now.
Go back in time.
368
00:17:36,412 --> 00:17:38,992
All right, Nellie, don't subvert it.
369
00:17:39,152 --> 00:17:43,632
I was thinking more steal Frew's
village sign or like... eat five worms?
370
00:17:43,792 --> 00:17:46,492
Something like that? Anyone?
371
00:17:48,352 --> 00:17:50,032
Hello?
372
00:17:50,192 --> 00:17:51,772
You?
373
00:17:51,932 --> 00:17:56,432
Oh, sorry, I'm not involved in this,
I'm not actually from this village.
374
00:17:56,572 --> 00:17:58,512
I'm just staying
here on my way to Lincoln.
375
00:17:58,652 --> 00:17:59,812
OK, you can still contribute.
376
00:17:59,932 --> 00:18:01,872
Yeah, sorry, I don't know
what you're doing.
377
00:18:01,932 --> 00:18:03,451
Sorry, sorry everyone.
378
00:18:03,452 --> 00:18:05,531
I'm just staying
here on my way to Lincoln.
379
00:18:05,532 --> 00:18:06,992
Climb into a field with a bull!
380
00:18:07,072 --> 00:18:08,271
Yes. Thank you. I'll do it.
381
00:18:08,272 --> 00:18:10,812
Sleep in a grave. OK.
Get a tattoo.
382
00:18:10,972 --> 00:18:13,231
Right, there are three now.
So which one am I going to do?
383
00:18:13,232 --> 00:18:15,951
Lincoln, what do you think?
384
00:18:15,952 --> 00:18:17,211
What do I think about what?
385
00:18:17,212 --> 00:18:18,991
Which of the three
options should I do?
386
00:18:18,992 --> 00:18:20,112
What are the options?
387
00:18:20,192 --> 00:18:22,331
Oh, my God. Get a tattoo...
388
00:18:22,332 --> 00:18:23,312
Yeah, that one.
389
00:18:23,472 --> 00:18:25,392
Do you want to hear the other
options? No, the first one.
390
00:18:25,552 --> 00:18:26,972
Not bothered. Tattoo.
391
00:18:29,872 --> 00:18:32,092
Another drink for our tattoo artist!
392
00:18:36,092 --> 00:18:39,472
She's already pretty drunk.
Does she really need another one?
393
00:18:39,632 --> 00:18:42,351
You won't regret this, Cecil,
no-one ever regrets tattoos.
394
00:18:42,352 --> 00:18:44,391
Right, let's do this. Gladys?
395
00:18:44,392 --> 00:18:46,092
Um, is that knife clean?
396
00:18:46,152 --> 00:18:47,632
It's self-cleaning.
397
00:18:47,792 --> 00:18:48,652
Expose the flesh.
398
00:18:48,692 --> 00:18:52,431
I do two designs.
Pair of hairy balls or a thistle.
399
00:18:52,432 --> 00:18:53,691
I'll have the thistle, please.
400
00:18:53,692 --> 00:18:55,131
I don't do the thistle any more.
401
00:18:55,132 --> 00:18:58,191
Bloody piss-taking Scots
taking the Michael.
402
00:18:58,192 --> 00:18:59,452
Where's your ink?
403
00:18:59,532 --> 00:19:00,591
Where's your ink, mate?
404
00:19:00,592 --> 00:19:03,072
Um. Is there anyone else who
could do this?
405
00:19:03,312 --> 00:19:04,672
Do you want to try
and get the knife off her?
406
00:19:04,732 --> 00:19:07,292
Come on! This is doing my head in!!
407
00:19:07,472 --> 00:19:10,012
Can we just fucking get on with it?!
408
00:19:11,252 --> 00:19:12,692
Not too late to pull
out of it, mate.
409
00:19:12,752 --> 00:19:14,491
No, I'm not pulling out of it,
George.
410
00:19:14,492 --> 00:19:18,192
For the blood. Get me something
bigger. Get me the yard.
411
00:19:21,692 --> 00:19:24,432
No, I am pulling out of it.
You're right. I'm a woman.
412
00:19:24,592 --> 00:19:27,152
Definitely. I'm a delicate,
vulnerable, long-haired,
413
00:19:27,312 --> 00:19:28,432
pregnant woman.
414
00:19:28,512 --> 00:19:29,692
My kind of girl.
415
00:19:35,632 --> 00:19:37,051
Hello, Constance.
416
00:19:37,052 --> 00:19:38,991
You are a man. Thank you.
417
00:19:38,992 --> 00:19:40,712
Thank you for coming
round here to say that.
418
00:19:40,732 --> 00:19:43,272
And I know that you would have
signed up...
419
00:19:43,452 --> 00:19:45,332
What are you doing? I need to get
something from my bike.
420
00:19:45,392 --> 00:19:46,652
Bert, stop! Let me past!
421
00:19:46,672 --> 00:19:48,571
Do you hear me, Cecil? No. What?
422
00:19:48,572 --> 00:19:49,532
Not you.
423
00:19:49,612 --> 00:19:50,972
Get out of the way.
424
00:19:50,992 --> 00:19:52,911
It doesn't matter what
people think of you.
425
00:19:52,912 --> 00:19:55,612
What make you a man is how you
conduct yourself,
426
00:19:55,792 --> 00:19:58,011
how you present
yourself to the world.
427
00:19:58,012 --> 00:19:59,151
I need to get
something from my bicycle basket.
428
00:19:59,152 --> 00:20:01,072
That's what make you a man.
429
00:20:01,232 --> 00:20:02,812
Thank you.
430
00:20:04,112 --> 00:20:06,672
No, it's not there in the end.
Where is it then?
431
00:20:06,832 --> 00:20:09,052
Oh, it's by the coats.
432
00:20:09,072 --> 00:20:11,532
Bird brain. The register was by the
coats, headmaster.
433
00:20:11,592 --> 00:20:14,412
I'm surprised you can find
anything in this chaos.
434
00:20:14,472 --> 00:20:17,552
Oh, dear, oh, dear, oh, dear.
Clement was in school today.
435
00:20:17,632 --> 00:20:18,811
Didn't make it home, eh?
436
00:20:18,812 --> 00:20:20,912
We've all lost pupils every
now and again.
437
00:20:21,052 --> 00:20:23,791
What are we going to tell
the parents? Quicksand.
438
00:20:23,792 --> 00:20:25,212
We go with quicksand.
439
00:20:25,392 --> 00:20:27,152
Always quicksand.
440
00:20:28,192 --> 00:20:30,672
Do you play whist? Because...
441
00:20:30,752 --> 00:20:31,791
No. Farewell.
442
00:20:31,792 --> 00:20:34,493
You know, 50 years ago there were
dragons in England.
443
00:20:34,671 --> 00:20:36,661
You know that, boy?
You know what I mean?
35410
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