Original subtitles

EMCEE: Now, from mystical lands

where he learned the magic arts from wizards and seers,

folks, please welcome to the Hocus Pocus Palace stage,

The Astounding Bewildero.

[BEWILDERO GRUNTS]

Oh, these are heavier than I thought.

-[GROANS] -[AUDIENCE APPLAUSE]

Thank you!

I am The Astounding Bewildero.

And I... Bewilder you!

Bewilder you!

-[SCREAMS] -[BIRD SQUAWKING]

Help, help, help!

Ta-da!

And now I'd like to bring out my lovely assistant, Susan.

You got a smudge. [SLURPS]

Mom, stop!

And now I, The Astounding Bewildero,

shall pull from this very hat, a rabbit.

A rabbit... Where's the...

It appears the rabbit refuses to leave the mystical realms

from whence it whences...

-[BIRD SQUAWKING] -[SUSAN SCREAMS]

The shredding talons, the symbol of peace hurts the flesh!

Ta-da!

[RUMBLING]

Um...

A-ha!

The rabbit must have left the mystical realms the wrong way,

and entered this box.

The exits aren't clearly marked in mystical realms.

Ta... Da...

-[GROWLS] -[SCREAMS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

Scooby-Dooby-Doo!

FRED: This is so cool.

I've been dying to go to the Hocus Pocus Palace

for as long as I can remember.

So, like...

We're going, on purpose,

to a scary castle, on purpose...

To watch supernatural acts performed, on purpose,

but this time, we're paying money to do it?

What could go wrong?

It's fun.

I've been fascinated by magic since I was a boy.

Every trick is like a mini mystery to solve.

I don't know Fred, magic seems kind of silly.

Really?

Do you think, this is silly?

[ALL SCREAMING]

ALL: Fred vanished!

[ALL SCREAMING]

Ta-da!

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[THUDS]

Now who's silly?

You hid under the dashboard.

[SPEAKS SOFTLY] Magic.

SCOOBY-DOO: We almost died. SHAGGY: On purpose.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Here we are,

the Hocus Pocus Palace.

Yes, here we are, all by ourselves.

FRED: Hmm...

I heard it was usually packed during the new member audition week.

So it's skating today, Daphne?

That's how I roll.

[CREAKS]

Cool!

SAUL TWINKLESHINE: [ON PA] Welcome to the Hocus Pocus Palace.

[SCREAMS]

Please continue into the main room if you can...

Like how? There's no door.

We're trapped here forever.

As you can see, gaining entrance will take all your cunning and guile.

-All of your... -Found it!

Brain power and... Oh come on, seriously!

It's Saul Twinkleshine.

This is the owner of the Hocus Pocus Palace.

He was one of the greatest stage magicians of all time.

"Was"? Watch this.

[GASPS]

That was amazing!

Right. Excuse me, Mr...

Twinkleshine, but why is the Hocus Pocus Palace so empty?

Yeah, I thought it was new member audition week.

It is. There's a ridiculous rumor that a mutant rabbit has been attacking the magicians.

BOTH: "Rabbit"?

Sounds like a mystery to me.

All I know is, most of the Palace's members have been scared away,

and only a couple of new magicians are willing to audition.

The Palace won't survive without a strong membership.

Well, it's a good thing I'm here to audition.

Oh, great!

Jokey Jody, our resident comic magician will show you to your room.

BOTH: "Comic magician"?

Yes, I also do birthday parties and weddings.

[HONKS]

Do what to them?

Uh, guys, we'll catch up with you.

Scoob and I wanna make some food vanish.

Food is an illusion.

This way to the elevator.

What elevator?

That's the question, which way is up...

And which way is down?

-The closer you... -Found it!

Dang it!

Hi, welcome to Hex Mex, are you members?

Uh, no...

[FLY BUZZING]

How about, yes?

This is actually better Scoob,

like we won't get the usual complaints when people see us eat in public.

I just hope a waiter eventually shows up.

Hey, calm down. We can share a menu until they bring another one.

What menu?

[GROWLING]

Like, who ordered the rabbit?

Send it back!

[GROWLS]

[SHAGGY SCREAMS]

Okay Fred, so, what's this plan of yours?

FRED: You'll see.

[GRUNTS]

Uh, maybe I should've waited on skates

for a more rolling-friendly environment.

[SIGHS] What else have I got here?

Do you think this is a good place to learn Portuguese?

Sure, qual e esse livro?

What's that book?

It's a history of the Hocus Pocus Palace.

Legend says this place was originally home to a magician named Magus Fa,

who studied the black forbidden arts.

And also raised bunnies on the side.

Fa even tried to summon a spirit from the beyond

and place it into one of his rabbits, Mr. Wiggly.

The spirit turned out to be a malevolent demon,

and Mr. Wiggly was transformed into a horrible creature

that haunts the palace to this day.

You had me at "Mr. Wiggly".

So, I... Missed a lot of that, actually.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Ta-da! [ECHOING]

For the love of all that is good in this world, what have you done to yourself?

This is our plan.

How'd you get your eyeliner so perfect?

Oh, I lined it with a pencil first, then I traced that with a liquid liner and...

BOTH: Ahhh! Mutant rabbit!

You saw him?

BOTH: Ahhh! Mutant Fred!

Guys, we've got to stop this mutant rabbit and save the Hocus Pocus Palace.

That's why we're going undercover as an auditioning magician...

And his entourage.

So you just happened to have that outfit

and this isn't an attempt to live out some elaborate magician fantasy?

[SCOFFS] That's absurd! It's for the mystery.

[SCOFFS] Elaborate magician fantasy, please.

So I'm the edgy, but classically trained magician,

Freddy or Not.

In my past,

there's a tragedy involving my most famous trick

which I refuse to perform anymore or even talk about.

This creates conflict with Velma my manager,

who was being groomed to take over her controlling father's real estate empire, but...

Here, it'll be easier for you to just study your backstories I've prepared.

-Cool, so I'm your stage assistant? -Yes. [ECHOES]

You've been offered a lot of money by my arch nemesis, The Great Gorgonzolo,

to learn the secret of my most famous trick.

-On roller skates. -Done.

-[KNOCKING ON DOOR] -[CREAKING]

I wonder who that is.

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS ANGRILY]

[ALL SCREAMING]

Run!

And/or roll.

[ALL SCREAMING]

Split up!

Hold it. Like you always get to go in the direction the monster does not go.

This time, Scoob and I want to go in that direction.

-Fine, we'll switch. -[SHAGGY HESITATING]

-Not so fast. -You agreed to that awfully quickly,

which means that you must know that the monster's gonna follow us in that direction.

-Makes sense... -No, it doesn't!

Shaggy, Scooby, just pick a direction.

-If only it were that simple. -But it's not.

-Yes it is. -Clearly you must have known that by so readily agreeing

to switch with us, we would change our minds to go back

to the original direction we were gonna go.

An obvious mistake.

Therefore we should go with our original-original instinct

which is to go in the direction you were gonna go.

One might have thought.

Because you'd know that the most prudent course of action was to not follow

our instincts and follow the direction that we were gonna go

that you were gonna go that we were gonna go.

[PANTING]

-We wanna go that way. -[GROWLS]

[ALL SCREAMING]

[GROWLS]

But my logic was so impeccable.

I stopped listening.

[RATTLING]

[GROWLS]

[SIGHS] There you are. Tasha, right?

Huh?

You must be my new second assistant. This is my first assistant, Nina.

We need to get you into costume.

I'd say size 22, extra furry.

SCOOBY-DOO: Twenty-two, in your dreams.

Perfecto, okay. Let's do this.

Okay Tasha, let's start with the famous "sawing the assistant in half" trick.

And now...

What are you doing?

Well, it's an illusion, Nina. See...

[SCREAMS]

Nina, come back! It's just a trick.

[GROWLS]

Huh?

[GROWLS ANGRILY]

I think we lost him.

Man, these skates didn't even give me an advantage when being chased.

What was I thinking?

I wouldn't even know where to begin.

Hey, this is Saul Twinkleshine's office.

[CHIMES]

Hmm...

Is this Saul as a child?

Yeah, they said he practiced in the mirror incessantly.

Perfecting illusions, that to this day, no one can explain.

Yeah, well, we'll see about that.

Huh, it looks like he's behind on his mortgage payments for this place.

It couldn't be a worse time for all the dues-paying members to be scared away.

Wow, you know you're in a rough spot when a mutant rabbit

just adds insult to injury. [CRASHES]

Strange, they list the owner of the Hocus Pocus Palace as "Greg Twinkleshine".

Maybe "Saul Twinkleshine" is his stage name.

So he changed his first name? Makes sense.

Who'd want to see the amazing illusions of Greg Twinkleshine?

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

Hey, where's Saul? Who are you guys?

Why aren't you wearing a shirt?

-I'm Johnny Cobra. -[HISSES]

The bad-boy of magic.

Hi, I'm Freddy or Not.

The occasionally not perfectly behaved boy of magic.

Are you here for the auditions too?

[SCOFFS] Auditions are for birthday magicians wearing eyeliner.

I'm here to crush human minds with my street magic.

Street magic?

That's not real magic.

I am sick of you sparkly losers saying that.

I dove into a swimming pool filled with fire ants.

[SCOFFS] That's called bad luck.

I stood on the highest windowsill of a skyscraper for two weeks.

That's being indecisive.

I was run over by a garbage truck.

-How's "not looking both ways" real magic? -Guys, please.

I think we can all agree that no magic is real magic.

BOTH: Oh, yeah?

VELMA: You palmed the quarter.

Card was marked, deck wasn't shuffled.

Your tooth was already loose, same-sided coin.

You dislocated your shoulder, the first frog was fake.

Contact lenses, that's not the same pair of underwear.

[FRED AND JOHNNY PANTING]

-Like there you guys are. -Where's his shirt?

Hey, you're Johnny Cobra.

Like I once saw you hang upside down in a tank of non-fat milk for three days.

I've always wanted to ask you this...

Why?

-Freddy or Not. -Yes, that's me.

You're on next.

Oh, really. [CHUCKLING]

-How's my eyeliner? -How would I know?

Okay gang, it's magic time!

Welcome to member auditions.

First to the stage is a young magician who may be new to magic,

but magic is not new to him.

-What? -I give you...

Wait... How did he do that?

Freddy or Not.

Hi, I am Freddy or Not.

And I ask you to imagine, the unimaginable.

As you can see, I am completely tied up with ascots.

Once I enter this ice-cold water, I'll have but two minutes of air in my lungs.

And now, Daphne will slowly lower me to my almost certain doom!

[SCREAMS]

[GRUNTS]

-Like, does Fred know what he's doing? -Oh, this is an old trick.

[MUTANT RABBIT GROWLS]

Something's wrong.

[GROWLS]

MAN: ♪ Well it's out of control as I was figuring out

♪ That I'm alive little baby, yeah

♪ Or maybe someone else is singing whose gonna last, yeah, yeah

♪ I've got my pants tied walking down the broken glass

♪ He's singing who's gonna last, yeah, yeah

♪ It's gonna show, oh!

♪ Who's gonna last yeah, yeah

♪ Got my pants tied walking down the broken glass

♪ I'm singing who's gonna last, yeah, yeah

♪ It's gonna show, oh

♪ Why, I think I'm out of control ♪

[TIMER DINGS]

[GASPS]

Ta... Da...

Great, we lost another dozen members because of you meddling kids.

Whoa, hey, hey. I think it's a little early to be throwing "meddling kids" around.

You, Freddy or Not, are the first magician to be banned from the Hocus Pocus Palace.

[GRUMBLES]

I don't believe it...

He called me a magician!

I saw him vanish and reappear across the room with my own eyes.

And my own brain can't make my own mouth explain how he did it.

It's an anatomical coup d'etat.

Okay, I'm just gonna flat-out say it.

Roller skates was a bad idea.

Portuguese would have been such a beautiful lilting language to complain in.

I said this was a horrible idea from the start.

So like, I'm actually feeling pretty good

about myself right now.

We called it.

I'm sorry, gang.

I got so caught up in being Freddy or Not, the elaborately back-storied magician,

that I completely lost sight of being Freddy Jones, the solver of mysteries.

No, as long as I'm owning the lameness of wearing

roller skates to a magician's club,

we've all gotta face the fact that this is as lame as we've ever gotten.

Fred's bummed because frosting his hair, putting on eyeliner

and doing stage magic made him forget to solve a mystery.

-Lame! -I'm so ashamed.

Velma Dinkley is wigging out because a guy named

Saul Twinkleshine tricked her with his magic.

Double lame.

Why is that twice as lame as Fred's?

Shaggy and Scooby were the most level-headed and reasonable of all of us...

-[SCREAMS] -[THUDS]

Lame. Anyone have an extra wheel?

"An extra wheel"!

Fred, that's it! That explains everything.

I'm feeling our lameness melt away.

We have to get back on that stage.

How? You've been banished like Scoob and I from cruise-ship buffets.

This isn't over!

I may have been banished... But Velma hasn't.

SAUL TWINKLESHINE: And now, the final audition.

Please welcome...

Velma, the Mathgician.

Thank you.

The number nine, ladies and gentlemen...

Now it's a six! What happened?

Yes, I, Velma the Mathgician

just made three whole numbers disappear.

[GROWLS]

[GROWLS ANGRILY]

And now it's time for us to vanish.

Over here, gang!

Huh?

[GROWLS]

Let's see you escape from...

Yeah, that might have been a little too easy.

[GROWLS]

You actually caught the mutant rabbit.

No, who we caught is actually...

ALL: Saul Twinkleshine!

ALL: But Saul Twinkleshine is standing right there!

ALL: What's going on? Are my eyes deceiving me

or is this the greatest magic trick ever?

Not the greatest trick ever, the oldest.

This Saul Twinkleshine is actually...

ALL: Another Saul Twinkleshine!

How many Saul Twinkleshines can there possibly be?

No, this is Greg Twinkleshine,

Saul's identical twin brother.

They've kept him hidden from the public all these years,

for the sake of their magic career.

I noticed in the photo of Saul that his reflection was not a perfect mirror image.

That's because it wasn't one child looking in a mirror,

it was twins in an empty frame.

That was the hook to the act.

Saul could seemingly make himself vanish and reappear anywhere.

Their success allowed them to buy the Hocus Pocus Palace,

but they realized running a magic club wasn't an easy trick.

After losing money for years, they knew they had to sell it.

Enter, the mutant rabbit.

Legally, Saul and Greg weren't allowed to sell the property

as long as members were paying their dues.

So they decided to use the old legend of Mr. Wiggly

to scare off all the remaining members.

Now, we've officially meddled. Go for it.

This is beyond meddling, you've ruined our lives, for what?

Who cares if we close the club?

I do.

Because as long as someone is forced to keep

the Hocus Pocus Palace open against their will,

the dream of Freddy or Not can live on.

Actually, I saved up enough from my comedy act to buy the place.

Oh! Wow, okay...

Cuff 'em and take 'em away.

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

Ta-da!

OFFICER: Please, stop that.

Officers, hold on.

I'm just happy to know, in the end, no one was able to trick Velma Dinkley.

Oh, yeah?

Ta-da!

-What? -I'm walking home in bunny feet.

-Some mysteries are not meant to be... -Found it!

[GROANS]