Original subtitles

Haggle? No, I mean, it seems like four dollars

is appropriate for one pickle.

Yeah, unless you got a coupon.

Ew!

Also, you bring back jar when you finish.

-He reclaims his jars. He reclaims his jars.

-Wow.

There is nothing wrong with used jar.

They same after many, many use.

Amen to that!

-Amen. -Amen.

You are religious.

Amen! Well, thank you so much. Have a good day.

Don't forget bring back jar.

Or I will find you, and I will do

terrible violence.

You know what? You should do a post on him.

Oh. Yeah. How could I not?

Hey, man, how's it going?

Yeah, not fantastic.

I found out I gotta basically throw away

the app I was working on,

and start again from scratch.

-Bummer. -Yeah. Big bummer.

But I'll think of something.

It's about the smell.

You know is good.

Pickles should smell like vomit.

Excuse me, what is that?

It's a blog post about that old-timey pickle guy

over on Bedford.

Oh, yeah. I heard about that guy.

It's crazy, right? Look, here, check it out.

Herschel's jars have no label,

and his product doesn't even have a name.

But he just might be the most authentic

artisanal pickler in all of Williamsburg.

And his accent is cute AF.

Hello.

Aww! Oh, my God!

So he uses, like, repurposed pickle jars,

cucumbers, salt and rainwater, and that's it.

Time to invest right now, right?

Is this a popular blog?

This video's got like a million views,

so people are loving this pickle guy.

Maybe we should sell those here.

Picklebacks, pickle shots. That's cool, right?

Looks cool.

I know.

Herschel, your pickles are the hottest thing in Brooklyn.

How does it feel to be such a runaway success?

Ben Greenbaum, you see me now on your television box.

Well, I become huge success.

Soon I buy back Cossack billboard

and I prove you are stupid.

You are stupidest person I ever seen in my life.

Wow, that Ben guy really sounds stupid.

...genius compared to you.

Okay. Not sure who Ben is.

Herschel, I understand your pickles are made

with rainwater.

-Rainwater, yes. -Yes.

Rainwater from gutters.

Nutrients from roof come off into jar.

There's bird droppings in there?

All sorts of animal parts in here.

Little essence of animal feet.

Could you pull over, please?

Hello. Health Department?

I'd like to file a complaint.

-There you go. You take pickle.

-Gratitude.

Are you Herschel Greenbaum?

Yes, 14 dollar for pickle.

Ten dollar extra if you want telephone photograph

with the Herschel.

Get in line.

Listen, you're gonna have to shut this down immediately.

Why shut down?

Because you've got dozens of flagrant health violations.

You can't just take food out of a garbage can

and sell it to people.

-That's insane. -But is all-natural. Is vegan.

No benzoate. No preservative.

You're lucky no one has died.

You owe $12,000 in taxes, fees and fines.

Till then, you are shut down.

Ew. Guys.

Eighty-six the pickles. They're made out of garbage.

Nope.

Oh, my God.

-CHRISTIAN: Herschel, we heard the terrible news.

-KEVIN: Yeah, what happened?

I was shut down by evil woman.

They tell me I have to "bring things up to code."

I do not know how to do this all by myself.

-You could scale up the business, right?

-True.

-Maybe hire some workers. -That's good.

Cannot afford workers.

You could get interns!

Yes.

"Interns"?

Yeah, they're unpaid workers.

Unpaid workers.

Right. You compensate them in education and experience.

Like slave?

No, no, no. That's not what I mean.

That's a little bit of an oversimplification.

Now, listen, Herschel. You run a small,

ethically conscious...

Next.

Mr. Greenbaum, I would just like to thank you in advance

for considering me for this internship.

My name is Clara. I am a rising senior at NYU.

I have a 4.2 GPA. I am president

of the Asian Cinema Club--

Show me your teeth.

Yes.

Herschel is back!

Gloves, here you go. Everyone needs gloves.

That's the regulation.

Like the beard tucked in. That's important!

All right. Let's get this up to code, people.

Just pickling. No talking.

No!

No, no, no!

CLARA: Almost there. Keep it up!

All right!

This is what we're reaching for, everybody.

This is the dream.

This is the goal.

Perfect jar of pickle.

Go.

Hey there!

Yes!

Yes, yes, yeah!

Thank you.

Yeah!

Move it, move it!

Hurry! Hurry up!

It says your deed on the lot is paid in full.

Cut it down.

Herschel win! Yeah!

This is the beginning. Right? You heard it here first, folks.

Benjamin Greenbaum is gonna change the world.

That's what you're gonna do.

Yeah, thank you. I appreciate it.

We know it. We know it.

Oh, yeah. Bill Gates, move over.

-Move over, Bill Gates. -Watch out, Bill.

Ben Greenbaum's got your number.

I appreciate it. Thank you, guys.

And we know you're gonna do such great things.

Great things. -And speaking of...

Guys.

-It's just a little... -A little something.

Oh, my God.

It's an investment. An investment

in your new company.

-We wanted to get in on the ground floor.

-Yes, absolutely. Bottom.

My company doesn't even have a name yet, so I think

it's a little premature.

Come on! You'll think of something.

You could just call it "Mom and Dad."

You're so creative, inventive.

"Mom and Dad." I like that--

I have done it.

I have restored honor to family and conquered the Cossacks.

Congrats.

Now I have some free time on my hands,

so I have good news.

Herschel is back.

I have decided I would come back

to be with you.

Not for me. I am fine. Very stable.

Not ups and downs. Herschel feel very happy

all the time.

Oh, yeah?

But for Ben, I figure maybe I come back and I help you.

You have no wife, no children, no friends, and now no job.

You need help!

Herschel will help. Do not worry.

Go away, Herschel. I don't want you here.

Okay?

Just please leave my apartment.

But I am only family you have left.

You need Herschel.

Without Herschel, you'll be all alone.

No one to fix broken life.

My life isn't broken, Herschel.

I'm fine. I'm completely happy.

The only problem I have right now, honestly, is you.

Just please go!

If you do not realize you need Herschel,

you are stupider than Polish person.

And they are the stupidest.

How's your Twitter presence these days, Herschel?

What is Twitter?

"What is Twitter?" You don't know what Twitter is?

Big, powerful pickle magnate like you doesn't know

what Twitter is?

I might know what it is by other word.

Well, maybe tell me what it is. Clarify.

Twitter, you know, it's a marketplace of ideas

where the world's best and brightest come

to share their opinions

in a very measured and reasonable manner. Twitter.

I will do Twitter.

You probably think you can but it's very complicated.

I don't think you'll get it.

-I can do anything. -I don't think you can.

-Can you do Twitter? -Oh, I can do Twitter.

If you can do Twitter, I can do Twitter.

In order to do Twitter really well,

you gotta be raw and uncensored

and share your completely unfettered opinions.

I don't think you'll be good at that.

-I will do Twitter! -Really? I don't know.

You watch me, Ben! I will do Twitter.

I will do Twitter better than anyone has ever

done Twitter.

Well, I'll believe it when I see it, Herschel.

You will see it. And you will believe it.

Well, have at it, my friend!

Watch.

Sir, some people hire a publicity team to help.

No help.

I will be Twitter and nothing can stop me now.

Now read me back my dictation.

Okay.

"Wheelchair people,

-my pickles are so good... -Yes.

...it will make you forget Hashem has cursed you."

Hashem has cursed their legs but not their mouths.

They can eat pickle.

-Is good. -Okay.

-Send to Twitter. -Sending.

"We sell to all peoples

even woman, unless they are menses,

in which case, stay in tent."

Stay in tent.

Next Twitter.

-"Attention, sodomites." -Yes.

"Hashem will smite you for your sin!

You will burn in flames for your crimes against God.

Buy my pickles."

Perfect to send.

Very good.

Yep.

Oh, lots of customers today.

Those are not customers. Those are protesters.

You're disgusting, man!

How dare you?

"Protesters"?

Down with Herschel!

Down with Herschel!

Down with Herschel!

Down with Herschel!

Sir, as grateful as I am to you

for this educational opportunity,

I am afraid that I can no longer

continue this endeavor in good conscience.

Thank you for the college credit.

Clara!

Down with Herschel! Down with Herschel!

You traitor!

After everything I do for you!

I'm sorry.

Down with Herschel!

Go away! Go away!

Who is Herschel Greenbaum?

And what is he selling?

Is it pickles?

Or is it hate?

Greenbaum's tweets are so outrageous,

they seem almost designed to cause offense.

You're insane!

He's drawing protests and boycotts.

But maybe that's the point.

Some view him as a hateful bigot

with rage in his heart.

Others see him as a defender of free speech,

a clever provocateur testing the limits

of the First Amendment.

Look, I get it. He's saying

some controversial things

but he's religious, so I believe him.

He's what we need right now.

Everybody in the mainstream media's like,

"Herschel's this terrible person."

I think they got it all wrong.

He's playing chess. Everybody else

is playing checkers.

Tonight, we'll find out who

Herschel Greenbaum really is

from the man himself, Herschel Greenbaum.

Tell me, Herschel. How do you respond

to those who have called your belief system abhorrent?

I would tell these people

I do not understand what this word means.

So, what you're saying is when it comes to online speech

you don't understand restrictions.

I am saying I do not understand

what is happening.

I do not understand...

what is happening...

with this whole thing.

What is happening

with this whole thing?

With our culture, our country, our way of life?

This is a question Herschel Greenbaum

for better or worse, is determined to ask.

What is happening?

What is happening right now?

I really wish somebody would tell me

what is happening.

Indeed.

Herschel, you have captivated the imagination,

the hearts and minds of the entire world

with your passion and your truth.

Buy my pickle. Buy my pickle. Buy my pickle.

We will.

Okay, be that as it may

your stance on gender roles is so regressive

that it would effectively limit women to a life of servitude.

Exactly, servitude. Woman like to serve.

She has little hands for serving things to people

in very nice, graceful way.

Women have nipples to serve milk to people.

Woman have hole in lower body to produce babies.

In other words, serve babies out of hole in body.

Yeah. Yeah!

Woman like serve! Yes!

Incredibly offensive.

-Someone is menses. -No.

That debate is certainly settled.

Let's throw it to the audience for questions.

You, sir.

Herschel, wow. It's amazing to talk to you.

What an honor.

Honor to be here.

I was wondering how you felt about the taxes

that are crushing small businesses.

I'm glad you ask.

You tax Herschel, Herschel will do

violence to you.

Yes, terrible violence!

Miss.

Herschel, have you considered running for office?

I would like office.

I would like big office.

I would like biggest office in America!

Huge office!

Oh, how about you? In the back.

Yes, the shapely young woman in the back row. Cannot see.

Yes, thank you. Hello. Thank you.

I was wondering what your thoughts are

on Christian prayer in public schools.

Yes, thank you.

Oh, simple question. Easy to answer.

I don't think I'm saying anything controversial

when I say everybody know Jesus Christ mother

was prostitute.

-And she invent story

of Christianity

to cover up fact that she prostitute.

So if you believe in Jesus,

you are stupid idiot.

You suck, Herschel! I'm gonna get you!

We interrupt your

regularly scheduled program

to bring you this special report.

Herschel Greenbaum the time-traveling immigrant

who captured America's hearts and minds

has fallen hard from grace.

The public outcry against his bigotry

is spreading throughout the country.

He's been condemned by leaders on the left and right.

And that's not all.

Authorities are apparently calling for his deportation.

Due to an outdated filing system

at the Ellis Island storage facility,

his paperwork cannot be located.

Therefore, his citizenship has been revoked.

If you have information about the whereabouts

of the fugitive illegal alien Herschel Greenbaum,

please call the tip hotline below.

I just feel bad for this guy at this point.

Look, I don't see how Herschel

can come back from this one, folks.

Everyone has deserted him. He's alone in the world.

His life is in ruins.

And the only person he has to blame for all of it,

I'm sorry,

is Herschel Greenbaum.

The hell?

Dude.

Dude!

Stop!

Herschel, what the hell, man? What are you doing?

These Christians, they try to kill me.

They're not trying to kill you, Herschel.

They just wanna send you back to Schlupsk.

Is worse! I never go back to Schlupsk.

Everything me and Sarah sacrificed

to come here is for nothing.

Well, I don't know what to tell you, man.

I can't do anything for you.

There is something.

You must smuggle Herschel away from American authorities.

What?

I have accepted I have new fate.

I will move to Canada,

become icicle man.

I will trade beaver for fire.

It's not ideal. But this is what must happen.

I'm terribly sorry this is happening to you

and that everyone's turned on you

because you've said truly despicable things.

But I'm not gonna risk getting arrested again

to help you.

Is not help.

Is trade.

"Trade"?

I know you do not like Herschel.

I know you think your life better

before Herschel.

You take me to Canada,

you never have to see me again.

All right.

Ten miles to Canada, no roads, no checkpoints.

Just walk from here.

This will work.

Very good.

We stay warm together.

Thank you.

There's the border.

We made it.

Oh, shit. Someone's coming. Here.

Come on. Here, come on, come on.

This way, this way.

Stop. Stop!

Looks like they're just taking a break or something.

So we'll just chill here till they're gone.

You do not mind?

No, I don't mind.

-Is there a lot of woods in Schlupsk?

-Forest.

-What's the difference? -Wolves.

Oh, wow.

Sarah loved to chase wolf.

She would club them with stick,

hit them with rock, kill them.

Very good time.

She sounds pretty amazing.

I wish I could have met her.

Although, maybe it's for the best that I didn't.

Why you say this?

I'm probably not, like,

the best-case scenario for what the family's become.

She probably wouldn't be too psyched to,

you know, to see who I am.

Not so sure.

Perhaps once I live in Canada,

you come to visit Herschel.

You know, maybe--

-Maybe you don't have to go to Canada.

-What do you mean?

I mean, now that I think about it,

you know, maybe we just haven't exhausted all of our options.

You don't have to go hide in Canada for the rest

of your life.

We'll fix this, and in the meantime,

you can stay with me. We'll figure it out.

You do not want this.

What do you mean?

You try to get rid of Herschel.

Take Herschel to middle of wilderness

to take Herschel to Canada.

You hate Herschel.

I'm just gonna tell you this, man.

I'm the one who called the Health Department on you.

I got you shut down. That was me.

And that's not all I did.

I told you to go on Twitter,

knowing you would say despicable things.

You always do.

And I did that to sabotage your business.

Is this it?

No. After the Twitter thing didn't destroy you,

I attended the debate you were having.

I went to the back row and I disguised my voice

and I asked the question about Christian prayer in school.

I knew exactly what you were gonna say.

I'm so sorry, Herschel.

It was wrong. I shouldn't have done it.

I caused this whole thing to happen. Do you forgive me?

-Wait. -You are traitor

to your family!

You are not Jew!

Hey! Hey, you! Stop right there!

232, requesting backup.

Where'd he go?

I think it's that pickle guy from the news.

Come on.

Herschel Greenbaum!

We know you're out there.

Where is this guy?

Hello there, dudes.

Who are you?

I am Ben Greenbaum.

Where's Herschel Greenbaum?

Herschel is back there.

You better get him before he escapes.

I'm on it.

-All right. You're free to go. -Found him!

Thanks.

All right, get up.

All right, we got him.

We got a positive ID on Herschel Greenbaum.

-You have the right to remain silent.

What?

Anything you say can and will be used against you

in a court of law.

And now, breaking news.

This is Susan O'Malley standing inside the Manhattan Federal

Courthouse

for what has been labeled one of the most bizarre trials

of the century.

Herschel Greenbaum has been deemed

a persona non grata on American soil.

His deportation trial got off to a strange start

as his lawyer put forth a truly unexpected defense,

that Herschel Greenbaum was not,

in fact, actually Herschel Greenbaum.

This is Ben Greenbaum.

This is Herschel

who switched places with him because as you can see

Herschel Greenbaum has a beard

whereas my client, Ben, has no beard.

I object, Your Honor.

What precedent are we setting here?

That the defendant isn't actually the defendant?

Well, then, maybe Charles Manson

wasn't actually Charles Manson.

Let me try something really fast.

So I'm me, I'm me, the guy you know.

Is this a new guy?

With that, I move to dismiss the defense's entire case.

Granted.

Court adjourned.

Herschel was quickly put on a ship

back to Eastern Europe

returning to his home country of Schlupsk.

And with that, America can finally rest easy.

The abomination known as Herschel Greenbaum

will never wreak havoc on our great land ever again.

Back to you, Jim.

Oh, Sarah.

"Boop. Bop."

Excuse me, do you speak English?

No?

Excuse me. Hi.

Do you guys speak English? No? No?

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello.

Excuse me?

Excuse me, hi.

I need help. I'm very cold.

Do you know where maybe they'll help me?

Do you know where I could go for some help?

Thank you.

I only speak English. I'm sorry.

You are Jew?

Yeah.

We are need ten Jew men for make minyan

for Kaddish.

Prayer for dead.

I don't know the words to the prayers. I'm sorry--

Is fine!

Amen.

Amen.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I've...

I've lost some people.

Who?

My parents.

Hello.

Is Herschel.

Yeah, I figured that out.

Alexa tell me how to fly here.

I am truly sorry for doing violence to you.

And getting you deported to Schlupsk.

I was wrong.

It's okay.

Is not okay.

I was wrong about you.

I thought you did not care about family.

But now I see with your Boop Bops,

you were just trying to honor family.

This is why you do not sell Boop Bops

and you sit alone all day.

Not because you are coward.

You not sell Boop Bops

because you are afraid to let down family.

But you do not.

I never met mother or father,

but they would be proud.

Sarah would be proud.

I am very proud.

You make my vow come true.

You are everything I hoped family would become.

Thank you.

Thank you.

All right. Come.

I would like to show you some place.

This place is really nice.

I really get it.

It's very special place.

This was Sarah's favorite place.

She had good taste.

She would be very happy to know you see this place.

I'm glad I got to see it.

You know, I had an idea the other day.

What? What is idea?

Promise not to laugh?

I promise.

Okay, so people love your pickles.

-They do. It's true. -Can't get enough of 'em.

It's the brine. It make people go crazy.

And, you know, I'm good with the internet,

good at building websites, things like that.

So I thought maybe I can build a website,

we sell your pickles to people all around the world.

Family business.

Yeah. Family business.

You can pickle more things than cucumbers these days.

You can pickle watermelon. You can pickle strawberries.

They pickle fruit these days?

Oh, yeah. You thought they were milking a lot?

Wait till you hear what they're pickling.

Just when I think I figure it out,

you throw a pickled watermelon at me. I'm like, "Oof!"

It's a crazy world out there, man.

Many people still hate Herschel very much.

That is true.

I say many terrible things. And if one thing true

in America,

once you say terrible things, you will never be success.

That is not true. At all.

Oh, that's great news.

Still, we should make some apologies.

All I know is that whatever we do next,

we should do it together.

Together?

Yeah.

Together.

Do you wanna pray?

You do not mind?

I don't mind.

Amen.

Amen.

I like her very much.

-Barbra Streisand? -Yes.

This her name? Barbra Streisand.

-Babs. -Babs.

-She very pretty. -Oh, yeah.

She is Jew.

Oh, yes.

She is a Jew.

Very much Jew.

Very attractive trait,

dress like boy to go to yeshiva.

I've always said that.

She little Jew boy. She dress like little Jew boy.

But little Jew woman underneath there.

I like this film very much.

You're really coloring it in a new way.

It's very naughty.

It is super naughty the way you describe it. Yeah.

She is married. -She is.

One day.