Original subtitles

Hello!

Someone in the bathroom at 2:00 A.M.?

Rogie gonna take a peek-a-poo.

Samuels, if I know one thing about business,

it's that I've been in this business for a long business.

[ Gulps ]

Don't look at me!

Hayley? In a business suit?

But you're the lazy hippie gal, and Samuels,

he's -- he's sporting equipment, right?

I-I guess what I'm trying to say is tell me more.

Okay. When I was a child,

I had a life-changing moment on the bus.

Who hasn't had a life-changing moment on the bus?

It's where I found out I like apricots.

On that bus, I saw a businesswoman.

She was so put together and confident.

I wanted to be just like her.

But then when I went to buy my first business suit...

[ Laughs ]

Oh, honey!

You're not a businesswoman.

You're my cute, little Hayley.

[ Laughs ]

That mocking laughter -- it made me feel like

I could never do anything that mattered.

I guess that's why I am who I am.

Sucks, bro.

I've never shared my business dreams with anyone else.

Well, I'm glad you shared them with me.

And I, for one, think you should chase your dreams.

Oh.

Oh!

♪♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

♪ I got a feelin' that it's gonna be a wonderful day ♪

♪ The sun in the sky has a smile on his face ♪

♪ And he's shinin' a salute to the American race ♪

♪ Oh, boy, it's swell to say ♪

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

Aah!

♪ Good morning, U.S.A.

[ Inhales sharply, exhales sharply ]

"The hardest part of any journey is the first step."

Jared Goff.

Aah! [ Grunting ]

[ Inhales sharply, exhales sharply ]

Ah!

Mom, I'm gonna chase my dream.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, my God!

I dare you to go outside like that!

Greg will lose his mind!

[ Laughs ] Mom!

Oh. Seriously, honey, this isn't you.

You like to smoke weed and wear a headband.

You're an institution in this town,

like the abandoned grain silo

the meth heads tried to turn into a rocket.

You're stuck in the past, Mom!

Women can work!

In fact, some of the meth heads were women.

And they got that silo 60 feet in the air

before it exploded.

I know women can work.

I love all of America's badass She-E-Os.

That babe, Mary Barra, is the CEO of General Motors.

Ginni Rometty's sexy ass runs the hell out of IBM.

And don't even get me started with Marillyn Hewson,

President of Lockheed Martin.

You can just tell she [bleep]

Hayley, I have no problem with your little sandwich job.

Just leave the business to the business-ers.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going for a swim.

Everyone's always forgetting, but we have a pool.

I need to talk to Dr. Penguin.

I'm Lou Babba Doo, business guru.

I'm renting Dr. P's office

while he's dead or still at Sundance.

I can't remember all the stories.

My trainer got me to go Keto.

I love it. Never had more energy.

[ Gulps ]

More about me -- I have my blood recycled every month.

I microdose acid every day.

My watch has a shark tooth on it.

I macrodose acid every day.

And I sleep upside-down like a bat!

You're a... businessman?

Smart to be cautious.

There are a lot of charlatans out there.

Let me show you my stuff.

♪♪

Business.

♪♪

I did that to open a trade show in Shanghai.

Got a four-minute ovation.

Really ate into the five minutes

I had to introduce the president

of Arrogant Mountain Rubber Duck Company.

Now, I hear you got some business moves yourself.

Let's hear it. Okay.

Get the hell out of my office!

I need time to process this!

Wowee-zowee!

You got the stuff!

Go to this address.

My dear friend Helen is the head of human resources

at a Fortune 500 company.

Just tell her Lou Babba Doo sent you.

Lou Babba Doo?

That guy's the worst!

He cat-sat for me for two nights.

He told me my cat died,

and now I see him with it on Instagram.

I texted him about it, and he says that's what I get

for spending a weekend in Tucson.

Sorry about that.

I'm just here for a job opening.

We don't have any openings.

That's weird.

Lou basically promised there would be --

[ Woman gasps ] Suck it, Ken!

Screw you, Shannon!

None of you stupid jerks deserve a genius

like Rufus P. Melonballer sorting your mail!

Whew! Windy.

I'm quitting this job, and I'm gonna kill myself!

I know a lot of you feel the same!

Who's jumping out this window with me?

[ Keyboards clacking, indistinct talking ]

Oh, so, it's like that, huh?

Adios, being alive!

Jerry jerks off under his desk.

I think we might have an opening.

[ Glass shatters ]

Whew! It's really windy out there.

[ Indistinct talking on TV ]

Who's the veiny ball sack?

Uh, that's Cousin Rogu.

He's from Denver.

Guys, guys, guys!

I don't want to blow your minds, but I just realized

I'm an adult.

I can have a party whenever I want.

♪♪

Cool idea.

Oh, man, I haven't partied in so long.

All I've been doing is drinking and smoking

while listening to loud music with others.

Hold on, guys. Are we really doing this?

Are we throwing a party?

Not just any party.

I, Stan Smith, vow to throw the greatest party ever.

Oh, yeah.

Ah, now I can hear that mile-high accent.

Roger! Great news! I got the job!

I had such an awesome day in the mailroom.

It was Karen's birthday and they got her a cake

and we all ate some!

Even the boss!

And they say if I work hard,

I can move up to junior executive someday!

Oh, wow!

You're still wearing that?

[ Laughs ]

Yeah. You know why I'm wearing it?

Because I got a job.

In business.

Oh, honey.

If that's what you think is gonna make you happy...

I am happy!

You're the one who's sad!

You make fun of people following their dreams

because you've never made anything of your life.

[ Laughs ]

Now, that's funny!

[ Laughs ]

Well, I think it's funny that you think that's funny.

[ Laughs ]

[ Both laughing ]

[ Laughter ]

Great job, Hayley. You know what?

Why don't you do cart duty today?

Oh, and take the new girl with you.

New girl?

It's me, Francine!

Wazza-a-a-a-p!

Wazza-a-a-a-a--

I got her the job.

--a-a-a-p!

Mom, what are you doing here?

Well, you said I never made anything of my life.

Mom, I didn't mean -- No, you were right.

This seems like a fun goof.

Is that okay?

Or are you afraid that I'm gonna out-business your stank ass?

Oh, I'm not afraid.

[ Gasping, gurgling ]

What's everyone doing?

Everyone's prepping for tomorrow's big pitch meeting.

Once a year, anyone in the company

can pitch an idea directly to the CEO.

The person who does the best becomes a junior executive!

JuniorJunior executive... executive...

Look at me! I'm in your shirt now!

Okay, I just need one good idea.

Why is thinking so hard?!

Aw, if this is too stressful,

I think there's another pitch meeting in a year or so.

Don't you have an idea to work on?

I honed my idea in the john earlier.

I'm ready to pitch.

Moonwalk.

[ Sighs ]

I couldn't help but overhear your convo

during my cryotherapy sesh.

Now, for this big meeting, you don't have any ideas?

Well, I do have one idea.

It came to me one day at the grocery --

Blah, blah, blah, blah! Doesn't matter what the idea is.

You just have to pitch it with confidence.

Hi-yah!

Punch through this.

If you can conquer wood, nothing can stop you.

Aah! Damn, I do feel good!

Ohh, thanks, Roger!

Roger?

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

[ Both scream ]

Aah! Aah!

Aah! Aah!

Aah!

You feel confident now?

I do!

If only I could feel this way around my mom.

She has this amazing ability to destroy my confidence.

That's a superpower all moms have.

To beat her, you have to knock her off her game,

get in her head before the big pitch.

I know just the thing.

Good.

And so, that's my idea -- a wishing stick.

Maybe now everyone understands my bumper sticker,

"Gone Wishin'."

Oh.

That went really well!

Did you eat fish recently?

What? Why?

Never mind. Good luck up there.

Francine: Why did she ask me if I ate fish?

Do I have fish in my teeth?

Do I... smell like a fish?

Stop, Francine!

Just focus on your fish -- eh, pitch!

[ Inhales deeply ]

Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish, fish,

fish, fish, fish, fish... fish.

Hey, why don't you take a break?

We can all see you're... floundering.

[ Laughter ]

I'm passing out rolls of duct tape.

Gents, I'm gonna need you to tape down your hogs.

This pitch is guaranteed to give you all monster boners

that literally rip through your pants,

and I can't have that interruption.

[ Tape ripping ]

You're all eating spaghetti and meatballs wrong!

For years, we've taken ground beef "strings"

and mashed them into a sad ball.

And spaghetti!

Spaghetti starts as a ball!

It loves being a ball.

But what do we do?

We bash it, smash it,

and force it against its will to be strings.

Why are we doing this?

Spaghetti wants to be a ball, and meat wants to be strings.

Well, today we stop the insanity.

I present to you

Meatghetti and Spag-Balls!

[ Tape ripping, thudding ]

For the past hundred years,

this company has solely manufactured medical equipment.

But what the hell? Let's do this!

Third floor, stop making those baby pacemakers.

You're making Spag-Balls now!

Whoo-hoo! Spag-Balls!

Just a couple things to make it feel

like a real executive's office.

♪♪

They're gonna take me so serious.

[ Knock on door ]

Oh, hey, Francine.

Look at you, working the cart!

The design team needs your final approval

on the Meatghetti and Spag-Balls packaging.

Tell them to smell my balls!

Kidding. Executive humor.

Francine: Oh, that's a nasty thought, Francine.

Are you gonna be that nasty?

Damn, you are.

Hmm.

I wonder if I could...

Whee!

Announcer: Sick and tired of eating the same boring-ass food every day?

This shit sucks.

I want a divorce.

Well, we can't fix your marriage,

but we can fix your dinner.

New Meatghetti and Spag-Balls, from Wagner Wright Medi--

We interrupt this commercial for an emergency announcement.

A million packages

of Meatghetti and Spag-Balls are being recalled.

The undercooked pasta is expanding in people's stomachs

and causing big problems.

Ew. Yuck. These people are gross.

[ TV clicks ]

Uh-oh, meat-sghettios?

Guys, we've been planning this party in relative obscurity

for two weeks straight, and I'm exhausted.

Oh, my God, me, too.

I was up at 4:00 A.M. doing the ice sculpture.

Well, the guests aren't arriving for a few hours.

We could maybe take a little nap.

- A nap? - What a perfect idea.

A short sleep.

[ Snoring ]

Wait, I need to do my insulin real quick.

I can't quite reach my thing.

My insulin thing.

Guys?

[ Straining ] Guys?

Oh, boy.

Here come the tingles.

Once again, I'm so sorry

that you got demoted back to the mailroom.

[ Snickers ] - Wait a second.

You're the one who messed with the packaging.

Yeah, and I celebrated by eating

three people's lunches from the fridge!

You jerk.

You messed with me fish-- first.

[ Both grunting ]

Fighting? In the hallway?

In this company, there's only one place where we fight.

[ Cheers ]

Thunderdome.

Oh. I saw this room from the tubes.

[ Cheers ]

Oh-ho, I can't wait to get you in the Thunderdome.

Turn your face into Meatghetti.

Well, I'm gonna slap you around

like one of your undercooked Spag-Balls.

They're only undercooked because you sabotaged me.

Why do you always undercut my dreams

of being a businesswoman? [ Body thuds ]

I brought those highlighters from home.

[ Cheers ]

Oh, yeah! One man stands triumphant!

I sabotaged you because you were doing something

I was never allowed to do.

That you were never allowed to do?

What are you talking about?

It may come as a surprise to you,

but you're not the only girl with a dream.

Tax advice from a 5-year-old!

$1!

It's deductible!

[ Chuckling ]

[ Laughs ]

You think you could be a businesswoman?

[ Laughs ]

So you were just doing to me what your mom did to you?

I hated it when my mom did that, and then I did it to you.

I'm so sorry I tore you down.

Instead of tearing her down, you should've been building her up.

- What? - It's classic Shine Theory,

a term Ann Friedman coined.

Along with businesswoman Aminatou Sow

to describe a concerted effort to collaborate with

rather than compete against other people,

but in particular other women.

It's all based on the simple premise that,

"I don't shine if you don't shine."

Shine Theory is recognizing that true confidence is infectious!

And if someone is tearing you down

or targeting you as competition,

it's often because they are lacking in confidence

or support themselves!

Oh, my God. It me.

It's okay, Mom.

Come here.

[ Spectators booing ]

All who enter Thunderdome must battle.

[ Electricity crackling ]

Oh. So different dress code down here in the ol' T-Dome.

Something tells me that big fork isn't for a giant salad.

Run!

♪♪

[ Clank, electricity powers down ]

They cut the power. We're stuck.

I know.

Ugh, this totally reminds me of the end of the "Trolls" movie

when all the trolls get caught in that big cauldron,

and it was like all was lost for them.

I know this isn't the exact same situation.

It's okay. How did they get out?

I don't know. I was too scared. I turned it off.

I assume they were boiled to death.

[ Grunts ] What the hell?

We slept through our party.

Wow, we must've been really tired.

Snot's still sleeping.

He looks so peaceful.

It's the blue tint to his skin.

Reminds me of the ocean.

Check it out, Tuttle's Madewell jeans.

He only wears these to the most special occasions.

But why would he leave them here?

[ Sniffs ] Oh, there's --

there's a lot of shit in these.

I-I think I solved the mystery.

Ooh.

[ Cellphone chimes ]

Hey, we're trending on social media.

- Alright. - Mm-hmm.

- Chug. - Whoa.

- Danuta? - Hey. Oh, boy.

- Wow. - Get it, Snot's Mom.

Guys, do you know what this means?

It means that I, Stan Smith, threw the greatest party ever.

- Alright, Mr. S. - Huzzah. - Yay.

- Way to go, Dad. - Whoo!

We truly are living in windy times.

[ Pounding on elevator door ] Man: Let us in!

Man #2: You thought you could get away from us?

We're businessmen!

Hey, Mom, I feel bad I ruined your pitch.

Before we die in here,

why don't you tell me your big idea?

It's stupid, and a million people

probably already thought of this, but...

clothes for teeth.

Clothing... for teeth?

Yeah. Little outfits that you could wear on your teeth.

You hate it.

No, Mom, it's the final frontier of fashion.

It's crazy, but I suddenly feel like my teeth are naked.

That's how I've felt my whole life.

If we ever get out of here, we got to promise

we'll start making clothes for teeth.

[ Man grunts ] Any last words?

- Clothes for teeth? - Clothes for teeth?

I'm listening.

Before Clothes For Teeth, people would ask,

"Do I have anything in my teeth?"

Now they ask, "Do I not have anything in my teeth?"

You're never fully dressed without a smile,

but is your smile fully dressed?

Not until now, with Clothes For Teeth.

Say goodbye to closin' your mouth.

Say hello to clothes in your mouth.

[ Ting! ]

[ Ting! ]

Yoo thee?

Dis is the funull fwonteer of vashon.

Yoo thaid it, Franthine.

Thakoo for washing.

Announcer: That's Clothes For Teeth.

Abailable ebbeyber.

Bye-bye! See you soon!